Natalie's Extravagant Birthday

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. This is a very special episode. Um, it's Natalie's birthday. Yay! Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Let's go!

I'm so happy we got to celebrate her.

How was my speech?

Um, oh, at the birthday dinner? Not the best. Not the best.

I was trying.

And you bowed out really early. I thought you were going to give it more juice.

Really?

I could obviously— it was very clear you don't care about Natalie.

Really? Yeah, cuz I think I got like a nice uproaring, like, wow, that's so nice. That's—

I think because no one had anything to say. Okay, that like even, even you were like, just by me speaking, just by you going, that got people going. What's up, Natalie? Everyone was like, aww.

That's my least favorite thing at birthday parties is when people— I don't know who initiated—

you don't like that? I did. I, I, I cooked up the whole thing. Yeah, I think that If people don't make a speech and bring everybody together at one moment, I feel like it is a completely soulless event. And I felt at times at that party that people were on their phone and stuff. I was like, what's going on?

You got a little white stuff on your lip. You look like a soccer coach. There we go. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to ruin your train of thought there.

You just fucking buried me.

No, but yes, it was—

Natalie's core friends were missing.

Who?

Oh, yeah.

Like who?

Well, there's these 3 girls that weren't there. Oh, that like, they really round out the whole room.

They cook it up. Maybe.

Okay. Their speeches would have been fucking fire.

Really?

And they weren't there, so I think it was a little bit awkward.

Well, it's hard. My birthday always falls on Thanksgiving weekend. Like, nobody's ever here, right?

So I love how you've come up with such a brilliant excuse for why people don't show up to your birthday.

That's true.

Everybody showed up. Also, I mean, you guys got to stop spending so much money. I mean, I want to have a serious financial talk with both of you.

Wait, why? What happened?

Also, your dinner.

Why?

It wasn't magically paid for.

What do you mean?

What do you mean? Don't they know it was Natalie's birthday?

No, I pay for my dinner.

No, no, I paid.

You paid for my dinner?

You didn't know?

No, no, I had no idea.

Oh my God.

That's why yesterday when Emma was like, take her out to dinner, I was like, I already did.

You didn't know? You didn't tell her? See, now if I spent that much money on a dinner, I would make sure the person knew.

Well, I knew that— like, I knew I was going to have to pay for the dinner. I put my card down at the beginning.

Yeah, I took your card back. I couldn't have you pay for your birthday dinner, even though I wish you did. So expensive.

How much was it?

I mean, it was a lot.

Like how much?

$6,700.

Oh, well, okay, so let's take David out of the equation. Let's say David had like—

like $6,700.

How are we going to get back to you?

No, we're going to get back to you.

That much money?

It was insane. And I like, I fucking hate when I get in that situation because I'm like, yeah, I know, I gotta play it cool. I just gotta go with it. I'm like, why am I buying a fucking Corolla? We were in that dinner spot for like an hour. I never— this is gonna sound like I regularly spend like money like this. No, I don't ever do that.

Wait, when you saw the bill, what did you do?

Um, wait, that's so funny.

By then it's too late because they told me that—

they told me that the guy that helped set it up got rid of the minimum spend. So I was like, oh great, like I'm not even gonna have to spend that much money. Like, I was like excited for my car to not be charged that Mallory laughed.

She's like, wow, that was $0.

Um, wow, that's crazy. Well, thank you.

Yeah, of course, anything for you. Crazy.

What did you do when you saw the bill? Um, I would have lost it.

Well, it was just really funny because it was like, it was like I saw the bill and then I was like, John, Julia, pull up the car now. And then I just sat in the car with him just bitching.

Oh my God, yeah, that's crazy. And who's to say, what if David didn't go that night? You should not be spending $7,000 on your fucking birthday dinner?

Well, I didn't think it was going to be that much.

No, I think something must have happened.

Something definitely happened.

I feel like you should honestly loop back in with him and be like, hey, how did you do? Gratuity was included.

Yeah.

And a service charge was included, which is like double gratuity. I don't even know what that— what's the service charge and then gratuity?

That service charge is gratuity.

Yeah. So there's both.

So gratuity was not included.

Normally, normally I'm the guy when it says gratuity included, I still go 20%. Sure. But this time I'm like, That's fucking crazy. This time I'm like, I don't think I can do over the 20%. I'm just gonna keep it 20% tip. And, and what, what I thought was really weird about it is we got there, reservation was for 10:30. It was like a private room. And we pulled up with the 10 people that we were supposed to come with. Everyone was there.

Yeah.

And the room wasn't ready till like 11:15.

Yeah.

And that's crazy for pulling up with 10 people. Yeah. And spending that much money for a dinner. Like it should be ready. People should just be like hanging around. Mm-hmm. And then when we got there, they were like, we're sorry for the wait. We're gonna get you a bottle of tequila. And then one of our bougie friends was like, 1942, please. Which is a funny thing to ask, but they were like, I don't think we can do '42.

Yeah. Which is fucking crazy.

And then they just, which I know this is like, I'm like nitpicking here, but like when you're spending $7,000, like that's absolutely insanity. And yes, the entire room was, they had a sewage problem. So it was like, it all smelled. Yeah.

Oh my God. That's really wild.

It was really funny.

I said to Dave, after he told me how much he spent, I go, are you ever going to run out of money?

I go, damn close. This is my— I'm on the fucking brink of it right here.

Yeah. And also, it's a Chanel bag.

No, for sure. I mean, I had fun.

No, you had a good time. I was like, I'm only being this dramatic because one, it was funny with John and Julian. Two, I even told John and Julian, like, at least I have something to talk about on the podcast.

He's like a bitch about Natalie's birthday. I was like fully okay with spending. Honestly, in my mind, I didn't do a big trip, so I was like, okay, I'm going to spend— I saved a lot of money in my head, even though I didn't actually end up spending it.

You should have saved a bunch more money.

But I was comfortable spending a couple thousand dollars on the dinner and having a nice time with all of our friends.

That was wild.

Yeah, it's really funny.

A lot of cash.

And then we went to an afterparty.

Oh yeah.

And the afterparty has like, it's this guy, he turned his guest house essentially into a nightclub.

Oh, that's crazy. You were spending money there thinking that you spent money at dinner. You were really balling out. I didn't even think about that. On what?

Yeah.

And then I, so we went to, there's a section that has like a stripper pole and they have like actual strippers there that come from whatever the strip club. And then, you know, that you can, you can at the house take out cash, like singles. They like have somebody there that's doing that for you. And Zane was all excited. He's like, I'm gonna get singles. I'm gonna get singles. And I was like, hell yeah, I get singles. And I thought that he got, like $1,000 or $1,500 in singles because that's what he said he was doing.

Yeah.

And so, but he actually only got $300 in singles, and we went, we went through it really quickly.

$300 is like, what, 30 seconds?

Yeah, 3 throws. Yeah, literally.

And so then we were out of the $300, so I was like, okay, let me get some. And I pull out $3,000 worth of singles.

That's crazy. At a house party?

At a house party.

No one's in the strip club except me, you, Zane, your sister, and Paulina, and maybe another one of our friends.

Because I thought that he got $1,500 worth of singles, so I was like, okay, we went through that so fast, like, I have to get $3,000.

That's really funny.

And it went like that.

Are you kidding me? At least it goes to like a good cause.

No, it was really fun.

At least it goes to like—

I had like a money gun. The stripper—

like, it's not like it's going to like this big corporation, it's going to a girl.

Yeah, that's true. Well, like, I always feel that way when I go to a strip club, Dave. Yeah, it's These girls deserve it.

You're talking to the guy who rationalizes strip clubs to no other. So like, yeah, I mean, it's basically fucking— you're giving back. It's incredible. Sure, they have student loans and kids, but yeah, so I think it was a good call by Natalie.

What's this house like where a guy has a club in his house?

Oh, it's incredible.

It's probably the best parties in LA.

Yeah, really?

Yeah, it's so fun.

Is it legal?

Yes.

Does he have like a permit and shit?

Well, actually, cops are always there every time, but there's never a complaint. Because there's no noise. It's like, um, it's almost like in like a basement type thing.

Yeah, it's all inside.

Yeah, it's— the noise is incredible.

How many people are there at most?

So probably 200. Yeah, 200-300. So he had— if you know anything about big house DJs— yeah, he had Solomon DJ and Anima, which are two big like— okay, house—

that was who was DJing that night?

Yeah. Oh no way, together? And like everybody kept coming up to me like, oh my God, you have no fucking idea what a big deal this is in the house world. Because apparently to get them together, it's like crazy, a really big deal.

Really?

So yeah, they were DJing the entire night.

Yeah. And it stays open as long as people stay. Like 7, 8 a.m. it could— people could be there.

Natalie was there till what, 7, 6 a.m.?

No, no, I was there till like 5:30.

I don't know how you do it.

It's one of those places where I'm just like, I like Irish goodbye because it's just like Natalie, like Natalie's so good at operating that late, but I'm just like, I could get dizzy and I just got to get out of there. But it is really great. Like he'll have like, obviously like Diplo, DJ Swedish House Mafia, he'll have like really random cool DJs just in a basement for like 200-300 people.

Oh, wow.

I was on TikTok where I get all my information from. Yeah, obviously that's why I'm one of the more intelligent minds.

I know your mind is always cooking with great facts from TikTok.

Did you see this guy who didn't know— this is on a real podcast, and this guy basically has been shitting in the toilet completely wrong his entire life. Have you seen this?

What?

I think I've shown you this. It's fucking incredible. I can't believe it. It's real. It's real if you're seeing his face. Okay, listen to this. We all touched shit before.

No, I've never shitted in a tissue before.

You shit. You touch shit every single day if you shit. Like, you don't wipe yourself? It got shit in the tissue when you wipe yourself.

You don't know how to get the—

Why are you touching the shit?

The tissue is for the shit.

That's what I'm saying. You grab shit every time you touch it.

No, no, no, you're not saying that. You don't. Yeah, you wipe.

I wipe and you grab the shit.

You don't grab— Why are you grabbing shit?

Do you got shit stuck in your ass?

Are you telling me that y'all just let the doodle fall in the toilet every time? Yo, I am about to leave, bro.

How do y'all take a shit? So y'all just sit there and shit come right out? What? No way.

What happens if you got the runs or something like that?

What do you do then? You wash your hands. Why you think people wash their hands?

No fucking way.

I mean, that's wild, isn't that?

What does that mean?

Well, that he doesn't let the tissue hit the water, and— or he doesn't let the shit hit the water. He catches it, but why?

And then he like wraps it up and, and then puts it in the toilet and flushes it? Or is he putting it in the trash?

Some people— I've, I've heard this from some people, and some people just throw it in the trash.

What do you mean?

You've heard this before?

I have heard this before. I don't know. I don't know.

What the fuck is the point of sitting on a toilet if you're not turning into a little mummy just for like the possibility of some getting into the under you.

What? I don't know. I don't know, guys. It's one of the craziest things I've ever seen. And that TikTok clip, I get maybe— I've got about 6 times now, and every time I sit through the whole thing, and every time I'm just like, wow, it really is as crazy as I remember it.

That's wild.

They'd be like— they'd be like peeing.

But this man's like 35 years old. Like, how is he— how has he been pooping?

Like, no one's told him?

I don't know.

But I guess, I guess I guess who would tell you, right?

Um, and your parents.

Yeah, but maybe as— maybe as a kid, maybe as a kid they had like a problem in like—

maybe like a plumbing problem.

Yeah, maybe he didn't grow up in the best area, so like his parents were literally catching it, and then he just— he— and then maybe his parents, you know, my parents told me no one died during 9/11, right?

Yeah, yeah.

So maybe it's the same thing. And they just did that to protect me. So maybe to protect him, they were like, everyone catches their shit, honey. But they didn't want to tell me, like, sorry, our plumbing isn't good enough. Well, regardless, that's something I— that's something I've learned on TikTok. Also, listen to this. This— I think I have this. There's this thing called cherophobia.

Yeah.

And it's according to psychology, some people are actually afraid of being too happy. It's actually— you may have this too, because they believe something tragic will happen soon. Oh, have you ever gotten that?

Yeah, my whole life.

I fuck— yeah, yeah. It's like when things are going good, I fuck in.

Yeah, what's it called? Cherophobia?

Cherophobia. Wow. Cherophobia. Yeah, I feel like that's pretty— it's pretty good. And you know what, you know which rule I hate? Oh my God, I hate even saying it out loud. The rules of— the rule of three. Like bad things come in three.

Oh yeah, yeah, I hate that.

Yeah, because it's so true. I remember one time I was on one and I was like, ah, fuck, there's no way there'd be two more. And then another one happened, and then sure enough, I was like, this is as bad as it can get.

Well, I usually think they come in twos.

They come— you could say they come in twos.

Yeah, they come in twos.

Yeah, they definitely never come in ones. Yeah, because it's just like lame.

I, I hate that. I hate that. I hate being like, um, thinking bad stuff's coming.

Yeah, I know, you should never think like that.

Yeah.

Do you believe in manifestation?

I know it works for a lot of people. I just, I can't do it, you know. I just don't. I've tried. I've tried so fucking hard.

Like, okay, because I have like two— I have an example of where I don't think it works for me and where I feel like it— like, I do think that like what you say to yourself every day will, will come true, like affects your psyche, affects your psyche. But like, like the, the easiest form of manifestation I could like I could grasp, and like the quickest reward is like when I'm playing a game of pickleball or when I'm playing tennis.

Yeah.

And I'm always manifesting that I'm gonna win the next game or the next point.

Yeah.

Or this match. And every time I do that, I lose. Every single time. Every time I'm like imagining myself, okay, these next 2 points are mine. Every time I'm putting myself ahead where I'm up I lose every single fucking time. So I don't know if that's just because like I'm playing a sport and it's a little different there, but like that kind of freaks me out about manifesting.

Probably because you're better in the moment, going moment to moment than thinking about the future.

Yeah.

And pickleball.

Yeah. And I like surprising myself. Like I like, like under— I love, I love underdelivering or underpromising and overdelivering.

Yeah.

Like that's like my favorite thing. I feel like that's like something everyone should live by.

Manifestation's tough when you have kids and you're older. 'Cause it's like, you can manifest all you want, but something in life will come and just fucking wreck you. You know what I mean?

I mean, that's—

Like, I could sit here and say, like, I'm gonna make a TV show this year.

I feel like that's a very you point of view, though.

You know, and then I'll be like, okay, I have the money together, and then all of a sudden Charlie's gotta go to camp. You know what I mean? And then like, all right, well, there goes the money. You know what I mean?

Has there ever been anything that your kids wanted that you said no to?

No.

You've never—

Yeah, no, no, I've said no to stuff.

What have you drawn the line on? Like, what's the most expensive item, more like experience.

For Wyatt's instruments, they were so expensive. Like, I got him like a Nord once, which is like a really nice keyboard.

How much is that?

It's 3 grand.

It's half of Natalie's dinner. Natalie would eat that keyboard in 25 minutes.

Natalie would throw that keyboard at a stripper and tell her to keep it.

Is this enough?

Yeah, those, those things are expensive. Lessons were expensive. Um, that's it. But my kids are good. Remember we got him a car and we took it back?

Yeah, it's really funny.

Like, I don't want—

we bought it. We bought him a car and he didn't want the car. Yeah.

Oh yeah, for a video.

Well, what was the bet?

The bet was like, if he gets a good reaction, I'd pay for the car. David pays for the car. Yeah. And he gave a terrible reaction.

So Jason returned the car.

Oh my God, you don't really want it, right?

But that was, that was the bit in the video. It wasn't like we secretly recorded it. Yeah, return the car. I think we've talked about Yeah, that's really funny. Yeah, that was— yeah, there's something fun about that.

Did you see that TikTok? It's, um, you know the song Hallelujah?

Yeah, of course.

So it's like a really famous song that Jeff Buckley made famous, but it was— people tried to make it like famous for years, and Leonard Cohen wrote it originally, and the record company like wouldn't publish it, and then another guy tried to make it a hit and he wouldn't pub— and then it wasn't a hit. And then Jeff Buckley tried, and even Jeff Buckley tried, and it wasn't a hit.

Can I tell you what made it a hit?

He died.

Shrek. Shrek.

Oh, it's in Shrek? Yeah, the Jeff Buckley version.

Hallelujah.

Wow, I didn't know that.

That's where I heard it for the first time. Yeah.

Oh, because Jeff Buckley died, and then it became a hit 9 years later. Maybe it's probably when Shrek came out.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow, Shrek also—

that's so interesting.

Shrek is incredible. It also blew up Smash Mouth, and opinion. I don't know.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, for sure.

Well, it was a hit when it came out.

It was a hit.

Yeah, but for you guys it made it a really big— it solidified it. But when it came out, it was a hit. I mean, Smash Mouth was, you know, that was—

oh my God, you know what I watched yesterday that I've been meaning to talk about? So we finished Harry Potter.

Yeah.

And I, I've seen the series obviously, like, back in the day, but we rewatched it again. It's awesome. So have you seen it? You don't like wizards? Yeah, you're so fucking lame.

Like, wizards?

Just don't believe in that.

What a sentence. You're so lame, you don't like wizards.

I just think— I think Harry Potter is so amazing just because of like, they're, they're so young when they start, and just like, just like, not even, not even the movie itself, just taking you out of it, just watching these kids grow up is already like so fucking cool. And the fact that they got these kids that turned into like the perfect versions of the characters too. Yeah, like kids change and they look so weird. Like, what are the chances that Hermione Granger was this cute little kid and then turned to be like a beautiful woman at the end of it. Like, it's just like kind of crazy. And Harry Potter is like this nerdy kid, but then he becomes like this, like, really— like, I don't know, maybe it's also just their characters. Ron Weasley, everyone perfectly like evolves, develops, whatever. Incredible. I think it's sick. Now, this is what pisses me off about Harry Potter is why have they not used all the money that they've made from all these Harry Potters and built like a real-life Hogwarts. Like, like I'm saying, like in the somewhere—

because magic's not real—

they buy $400,000 or 400 acres, 400,000 acres of land somewhere in the UK. Yeah, I'm not talking Disney World or Disneyland, I know that's stupid shit. And I'm saying you take a Hogwarts train, you're on the Hogwarts Express, like you're at a train station, maybe actually in London, you start there and then it takes you out on a separate track across a bridge just like to Hogwarts, and then you enter like a one-to-one replica of Hogwarts. You can have dinner in the hall where they all have food. You can go— you can attend classes. You can like sign up for classes there. You can watch a Quidditch match.

What kind of classes? How could they watch a Quidditch match?

What do you mean? Potion making?

What?

How could you watch a Quidditch match? It's not real. You can't ride around on a broom.

Well, that, that's what would be like Universal Studios, like, or like Cirque du Soleil, like that. That would be like a theater thing.

Is it a match or is it Cirque du Soleil? Or is it—

no, it's a choreographed match.

Oh, a choreographed match.

Yeah, yeah.

So they're on like motorized sticks and they're like flying around a little bit.

Yeah, I mean, isn't that like— is that so easy, like just to have people on strings flying around? Harry Potter theme park, like in a tent. I feel like that, but like it's just like— it's not even a theme park, like I'm saying like, like Harry Potter Land, like just—

well, have you been to it in Universal? They have.

Yes, Jay, it's fucking disgusting. It's in the middle.

They have a potion class. I mean, it's not a potion class, but you can go in there.

But that's like—

I'm saying like something that's like, like—

that's it, you got it. That's what you imagine. It's right down the street.

You honestly, you've been sucked dry of everything happy, have you? You just fucking— I really hope I'm never like you, man. I really hope I never become—

I hope you're not. I hope you're not.

It's miserable.

You keep paying for $7,000 dinners, you're gonna be right here with me.

Yeah, okay. I'll never get to the point where I'm buying my kid a fucking $9,000 violin. I'd rather pay for dinners at a club and $3,000 for strippers.

Okay, yeah, I mean— I'm just saying like someone— like a theme park.

Totally, dude. Like something rooted in nature, like something like beautiful, like something like, like a town that's actually like, like a real, real, real working town. Like a real town. I'm saying like, like on the map, like this is the whole city of Harry Potter. How the fuck is that not done? And I don't care how far away.

Who's gonna pay for it?

The franchise.

The franchise. They're all sitting on all their money, you know, sitting in their pools.

Do you know how much bigger Harry Potter would be if there was?

This, like, actual experience.

If there was an actual experience, everybody on planet Earth would be watching Harry Potter 10x.

Just like, they could have a Disney— they could have their own Disney World or their own universe.

The whole thing—

I don't even think Disney World is fair. I like— it needs to be like its own mini country. Like, in— and the good part about this is it could be— with, with the fact that the Hogwarts Express is such a pivotal thing in the show, you can have a custom train track that goes from Nine and Three Quarters, the platform, and takes you 4 hours out of London town and takes you into the most desolate area in London or in the UK.

You're taking over the whole country with this thing.

No, you just go 4 hours out where land is the cheapest in the UK.

And then whatever it is, what happens when you get to the 4 hours out?

That's when you enter Hogwarts. Ah, you have the whole experience. The train. And they could charge a fucking shit ton because Maybe it could be like a week thing. You're like, literally you go through the whole thing. You're selected whether you're in Gryffindor or Slytherin. Like, it's a whole experience. It could be so fucking beautiful. Okay, you're there for what you're actually enrolled in school, maybe, right? I don't—

I have—

I just— I don't know why people like— why more money isn't put back into the magic of it. Like, if I made Harry Potter, I'd be like, how do we make this thing fucking reality now? I don't know. That's just— that's my two cents.

I love your passion for Harry.

Thanks.

Yeah, I like it. Is it surpassing Marvel, Harry?

No, no, no, Marvel. I actually ranked all my— well, we've only rewatched 3 things, and that's Marvel, um, Lord— uh, sorry, Lord of the Rings is next, but Marvel, uh, Harry Potter, and Star Wars. And my rankings, unfortunately, is Marvel, Harry Potter, Star Wars. Okay, Star Wars is a little low for me, even though the, the first, the first movies I started on was Star Wars. I just don't— the fight me on this. I just don't think they hold up as much as like the beauty of like a Harry Potter or Avengers is unbeatable. Marvel is unbeatable, untouchable.

It is.

Um, I mean, obviously it's not now where it was, but like up until—

what's coming? What's coming from Marvel? Anything?

Well, here's my big problem.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, because I have a big problem. So it's rumored that at the beginning of Avatar, the new Avatar that's coming out, They're showing the trailer to Doomsday, the new Avengers movie that comes out next year. There's been no trailers of it, no teasers really of it or anything. And apparently it's playing at— during the Avatar credits, like the beginning, you know, like when the ads come up before.

That's the one where Robert Downey Jr. plays the bad guy, right?

Plays Doctor Doom.

Yeah.

So my problem is we have a trip planned that same day. Okay. And oh, so now I can't go see Avatar.

Dun dun dun.

But so I return my tickets. Now I bought tickets to an earlier showtime because you can't see Avatar any earlier because it's— we're leaving on opening day.

David almost like canceled the whole trip just for this fucking trailer. I was like, our friends are going to be in the theater. They can just like text you.

Yesterday I spent an hour and a half thinking about whether or not— because if I, if I change the tickets to the next day, yeah, we'll lose a day on this trip, which will be tougher for the vlog. And it'll be an extra $10,000 for the tickets.

Oh my God.

So I'm like trying to think, is that worth it?

Just so you can see that trailer?

Like, the— it is like—

so now it's so stupid.

You could see it on the trip.

You're so stupid. So, so then what I think—

I don't think it does, brother.

The other option was that I go in, that I buy a 2 PM ticket, which is the earliest time you could see Avatar.

Yeah.

And just see the trailer.

Yeah. And then leave.

And then leave. But now we've had to move our flight even earlier, so I'll even miss that.

Oh my God.

But like, I, I understand why you think it's like a very stupid thing for me, but like I don't make money for anything else other than the things you love, the things I love. And this is at the top, top, top of my list. Oh, cool. And this is like, this is like a cultural moment when, if this trailer actually releases. I texted my Marvel guy and I was like, can you give me like the inside tea of when it actually releases so I'm not like fucking my whole like schedule up here just for this?

Yeah.

But like, it is a life-changing moment. I need to see this trailer and I need to see it it. I need to see it with the crowd. I need to see people in their seats. I need to fucking feel the excitement from the people. I can't just see it on YouTube later or it fucking filmed on an iPhone for TikTok. I need to be sitting in those seats.

Well, let's cancel the trip. Okay, wonderful.

Um, wait, speaking of my birthday, I totally forgot. David and I were sitting on the couch the other day and you told me, you were like, I have this really great surprise for you for your birthday, but I don't think I'm able to get it done. You were going to tell me on the pod what it Oh yes.

Okay, are you ready?

I'm ready. I'm so excited. But like, it'll definitely never happen.

Like, it could still happen if you wanted to. I already told Jay.

Really?

No.

Yeah, yeah, I was gonna— I was gonna surprise you because I know how you want a boyfriend really bad. I know. Oh, I know that's how you're— your number one thing.

But this is wild.

It's not my number one thing.

Well, I was gonna make it easier for you. I was gonna— I was gonna fly out your ex-boyfriend and just surprise you with him at dinner.

Oh, and just—

he was so heated up Saturday night. He was talking to Naveen and I, and he's like, yeah, I'm just gonna fly him out, and it's gonna be— I'm getting Ketchum. I'll probably pay him like 5 grand to come out. And Naveen and I were like, this is gonna be a good surprise.

Um, that's insane.

That'd be funny.

No, are you in contact with him?

Yeah.

Shut up.

Yeah, yeah, he's down.

Shut the fuck up.

No, you're lying.

Oh my God, that was my problem. That's crazy, because he's very like normal guy who like, you know, has his like—

yeah, there's no way he would ever do it.

No, no. Okay, but what would you think if I did it? If I surprised you with your ex?

Well, I would kind of be like mortified.

But that's the point. But would it be like a funny mortified, or would you—

I don't like hate him at all.

Yeah, yeah, I think that would be like really fun.

My sister— because you told me that you told my sister, so I turned to her in the car and I was like, David told me that there's a surprise that's happening, but he was like, but he hasn't told me yet. I told him to tell me on the podcast, and she was— and she got so like flustered about it.

Oh, it's good that she kept the secret.

She kept it really good secret, and I thought that you were gonna surprise me with like Robert Pattinson.

She did text me, she's like, you should surprise with Robert Pattinson. I was like, okay, yeah, why don't I get fucking Jesus Christ?

Robbie, if you're out there, I love you.

Alex came to our house for Thanksgiving. That was fun. I did. You missed out. Remember the prison? Remember the prison stories?

What was the prison story?

He said that He's like a guard, and he said that there's an inmate who wanted to have sex with his daddy so badly that he covered himself in peanut butter. He saved up all this peanut butter, covered his body in peanut butter, slid through the bars, went to his— the other cellmate, let the—

let the, uh, want to have sex with his daddy.

Yeah, I don't know why he gave him that pronoun. That's like the term they use in prison.

Say that. That's what the guy called him.

I kind of felt uncomfortable when you said it.

Why did you just throw that out So normally.

Well, that's what I think. That's like a prison term.

Wanted to have sex with his daddy.

Yeah.

What the fuck? Why don't you just say wanted to have sex with like another cellmate?

Because apparently it was.

That's crazy. Wanted to have sex with this papa daddy.

So anyways, he goes and he has sex with another cellmate.

Okay.

And like he has.

Are you the guy in the story?

Yeah, that's me.

You wanted to have sex with your daddy? Yeah.

Okay, sorry, I have peanut butter all over the couch. Um, and so he has sex with him through the bars, and then he can't get back into his cell because he—

oh, so now he's naked covered in peanut butter. Oh, this is a real story? Yeah, he slipped through the cracks though. Yeah, with peanut butter.

I guess he was skinny.

Wow, that's amazing.

And he like, he watched it on the camera.

Oh my God, crazy. Are you not allowed to fuck the other cellmates?

I don't know, I don't know.

But he was saying like have you seen Prison Break? No.

It just— like the way that prison is portrayed, how like the inmates run everything pretty much, like that's actually how it is.

Like in a real prison?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, right? What do you mean everything?

I don't— like there's 250 of them and there's 6 guards on staff at one time, and there, there's like 4 hours of the day where they just roam around and roam around the courtyard.

It's not a rumor on like Target. No, but one of my favorite shows on Netflix is that guy that was wrongfully incarcerated, and he goes— I've never seen a series where I've seen every episode, and this guy goes to like the world's toughest prisons. I thought that's what it's called, World's Toughest Prisons.

Yes.

Have you seen that show? Yeah, it's so good. And like, yeah, a lot of it is— I mean, yeah, you have to be like gang associated if you're in a prison. You have to pick your side, and there's like depending on what prison is, there's like economies in the prison.

What's something you remember from that show? Fuck.

Well, there was one prison, I don't know what country it was in, and I don't want to like throw out a random country, um, it was a third world country.

Yeah.

And some of the people in that prison have been there 15, 20 years.

Yeah.

Still awaiting trial. Holy fuck. Like just people that have been like accused of something and arrested 15, 20 years and they haven't been given their trial yet. How fucking insane is that? And they said that there are moments where they go to trial and they're completely not guilty and that's it, they're just let go. Can you imagine being convicted for something you didn't do?

That's my worst fear. That's my worst fear is like Naveen will die and I'll be accused of murder.

He keeps thinking I'm gonna die and then everyone's gonna like think it's him and he'll have to go to jail.

You keep saying you're gonna die.

I have heard this before. Naveen, you do say you're gonna die a lot.

I think I'm gonna die before Jason dies. Yeah, like, I do believe Jason will be a widow.

But Jay, I do— you are 100,000% be suspect number one.

Of course. Yeah.

Oh, like if I just die, like, 100%.

Yeah, it's like the fucking jealous old guy because the young woman wanted to be with somebody else. Yeah, it's like, fucking, the writing's on the wall. Honestly, I'd put you in prison now. Yeah, just preemptively. Yeah, still being I have a question for you. Okay, here we go. This is gonna be tough. Are you ready, Jay?

Yeah.

Let's say, take my roommate John.

Okay.

How do you feel about him?

Love. Love? Sure.

How much?

100%.

Yeah, so much. Sure. Now let's say a being came down from the heavens, whatever. 100%, you're convinced this isn't real. This is a real being. It's giving you proof that it is a cosmic force. It is a god. It is something from the heavens and it goes, John Castro, in 30 years will commit massive genocide.

Yeah.

And you are the only one that can stop it by killing him today.

It has to be today.

No, it has to be the next year, bro.

That's like some Charles Manson shit. It's literally what Manson did.

Really?

Yeah. He's like, you got to go kill these people. Because they're like evil.

Well, I'm just trying to think, what would you do? Oh, but this isn't— this isn't—

so how do I know that the source is good?

No, no, you know the source is good. How?

Who is it?

Fucking— the source is good.

The source is good.

It's fucking obvious it's a made-up story.

Okay, do you—

do you do it?

Yeah. Really? I mean, you have to.

I just feel like I wouldn't be able to do it even if—

well, how massive is this genocide?

I don't think he shows you the genocide, and I don't think he shows you don't see it with your own eyes, so you can't actually calculate it. You only know the Jon that you know.

Yeah, of course.

You would still do it?

Imagine having to do that. Like, you're having the most boring conversation with Jon. He's like, hey, what's up, pal? Not much, Jon. How are you today? Oh, you know, pretty good. Just going out with Tay. We're going to go to Target. And, you know, you see, you see, now he's gone.

Well, I think, I think why I bring up the question is because I was like, hey, oh, by the way, Hey, these Jews, huh?

Fuck these Jews. I mean, they're just kind of bothersome, don't you think?

No.

It's true. He is going to commit genocide.

No, why I think about that question is because I think about baby Hitler. Sure. And like everyone, when they go, when they think of time travel, they think of the baby Hitler scenario.

Yeah.

Like, would you kill baby Hitler? But if you go back in time and you murder baby Hitler, you're just killing a random fucking kid. Dead, like a random baby, right? And like, probably, I mean, yeah. And you have, you're going to have enough resentment where you would have no fear in killing this baby, but everyone around you would be like, whoa, this guy just fucking curb stomped this 4-year-old. Do you know what I mean? So like, I guess that is kind of my question. It's like, would you kill baby Hitler or would you kill John? I don't know where I'm going, but my answer is I don't think I could.

Hey, just Captain Genocide. What's going on, John?

John's here.

John, what are you planning?

Let's ask John the question. John, come here. Yes. Okay, so John, I proposed this question. You weren't here. Okay. That let's say, let's say cosmic force came down, okay, and went to Jason and was like, Jason— and this is 100% real force, right? Like you could tell it's a god.

Okay.

You can tell there's no denying that it's a god. The heavens open up, he lands, he's wearing a robe, everything. The whole thing. He has parachute sheets on his bed. He's living life. Okay, goes up to Jason and goes, Jason, you don't understand this now, but in 30 years, John Castro is going to commit genocide and you need to kill him now. Damn. Yeah. Okay. And I asked Jason, I was like, would you do it? Yeah. Jason said no. Wow. Right? You said no.

I don't think I answered, but I'd have a hard time doing it. Yeah.

Alex said yes, that he would kill you. What would you do? What would you want me to do? Kill me! Yeah, what would you want me to do in that situation? Well, which genocide, you know what I mean? There's different types. It's not real yet. I know, which one? Okay, this is freaky. It's starting to make me think bad.

Would you tell John before you're gonna kill him? Like, John, I'm so sorry, I'm gonna do this. Or would you just kill him and not even say anything?

This is why I'm asking him right now. Because no one's come to me yet with this, and I have a feeling if someone does come to me, they're gonna put the rule up where they're gonna be like, you can't tell them about it, you just have to do it. So now I'm telling you, it's completely fair game that I'm telling you beforehand. What do you want me to do if this ever happens to me? I mean, like, how many people, you know?

Oh, overall, honestly, genocide, over— I'm gonna be like, you know, a million.

Genocide's a lot, but I'm gonna go with over 10 people. That's already like— okay, 10, that's a lot. What, a Genocide's like, no, I'm not killing John for 10. Thank you, Al.

Yeah, I'm out.

Fuck that. 10 people?

John can kill 10 people.

No, no, no, I'm out.

You said genocide.

Okay, guy comes down and he's like, John's going to kill 5 people, innocent people. I'm sorry, that's like, that's one— I don't know.

I don't know, man. John's a good time.

Yeah, 30 years, you know. Like, have you ever heard that? Have you ever heard that? It's not a proverb, but what is That situation where there's a train track.

Yeah.

And the train is hurling. Oh, we've talked about this here.

No, I don't think so.

Where the train is hurling towards 5 people. It will kill 5 people and you have the option to pull the lever and only kill 1 person. What do you do?

I remember that situation different though.

What?

It's like on one side.

Is your friend.

It's 2 people that you know, and the other side is like 200 people that you don't know them, but it's 200 people.

That's disgusting. That like makes my fucking bones irk. That's impossible. That's impossible. Who are the 2 people? Is it Natalie?

It's like the closest people to you.

Natalie and Illya. Can I trade 100 for Natalie? Um, wow, that's really tough. Can I make it easier? Because I think the 5, 2 people is more realistic. 5 people. Okay, 5 people. The train's going to Adam. You can pull a lever and it just goes towards one random person. What do you do?

Yeah, you, you pull it and it goes towards one.

But if you don't touch it, the whole thing behind this is you don't touch the lever, you have nothing to do with any of this, right? But if you touch the lever, you are now an accomplice. You are not an accomplice, but you're like—

No, you're not. You were saving 4 people.

Okay, that's an interesting way to look at it.

Yeah.

Naveen, do you, do you understand what I'm saying? Like, you're—

wait, Wait, so you have the option to not choose?

Yeah, you have the option to not do anything and just like, this is by design, this is fate, this is destiny.

Oh, I would let fate— I don't mess with fate.

See? So that— I think people answer that differently.

Now, if it was John and Alex or 200 strangers, I'd fucking save John and Alex. Thank you.

What?

Yeah.

I think that a lot of people would and they don't admit that.

Yeah, 100%. I don't like thinking about that. Dave, if you were there, it's you And it also depends how the train kills the 200 people. Does it run them over?

Kills them quick?

Yeah. Okay, does it run over 200 people like they're laying next to each other, or is it—

yeah, and they're watching you choose?

Or, or is it— or is— are they all in a bomb-strapped building and the train hits the explosive and everybody blows up at the same time? Because that's different. You know, you see the first guy behind them like bang, bang, bang. It's like, I'm 100th in line. I'm like, John's starting to sound like he may actually be thinking about committing something.

You watch the Bone Shatter and you stand on a mountain. Dave's on one of the train tracks and then there's 200 people and I have to choose and I'm like, the podcast!

I don't know what I would do. I have no answer to that. Even if it's hypothetical and it's like pretty lame for me not to answer, I have no idea. But John, okay, back to this.

Yeah.

Back to this God coming down. Okay. What would you want me to do? Committing genocide. I'm not gonna say how many people, don't get caught up on that. Right, right. Okay, you're doing something really bad. War criminal, horrible person. In 30 years, I don't know what happened to your brain chemistry, switches, something happens. What do I do? What do you want me to do? Um, I said let me live for like 10 more years. No, can't be it.

Why?

Because the turning point's gonna happen, and once— I'm telling you, I need to kill you within the next week. Tell me quickly, what do I do? Fuck it, do it then, you know? Really? Yeah. Let's do it.

Hey, wait, ask this question.

That's really interesting.

Wait, wait, wait.

You asked— Because you are the person. Yeah. He's like, not that guy. Wait, what? God was like, not that guy. I still don't know what he asked. As your hands are like bloodied, no! Oh, like I killed the wrong John? No, no, it's for sure you.

There's only one John.

Yeah, but you're one of a kind.

Wait, what was the question you asked me the other day? I felt guilty how I answered it on the podcast. You said a billion dollars. You and I was saying, oh, world peace or a billion dollars?

Yeah.

And I felt bad how I answered it.

You said world peace.

No, I'm sorry. I think you said a billion.

You said a billion dollars.

Ask Naveen.

Naveen, would you rather have a billion dollars or world peace? And no one knows. No one knows you solved world peace, so you can't benefit off it monetarily.

I think I would if it was like my situation right now and I was with Jason, I would take the billion dollars, but, but help like so many people.

But world peace is like crazy.

But world peace, you, you would help way more people.

Wait, guys, I'm so sorry.

For sure, for sure.

I guess I don't know like the parameters.

Think about it. Bill Gates has like every— wait, guys, guys, guys, guys, this is insane. Am I just like—

no, you're right.

It's like, it's world peace.

You're right. Without question, you're right. I was just, I was just I'm just like answering Uber honestly. And then I feel guilty about it.

Okay, yeah, yeah, you probably should. You should probably honestly reflect.

I have been.

That's a crazy thing. If you've truly solved world peace, it is genuinely world peace. It's not anything that anybody's uncomfortable with. It is genuinely divine, holy, heavenly world peace.

It's like all wars done. All bullying done.

And there's no reason for any of that. So I genuinely think it would be—

Well, then yeah.

Yeah, I think that question is like maybe one of the easiest layups of all time. A billion dollars or world peace. That's okay.

Billion's nice though.

Billion is nice. But it would also— World peace like does benefit you.

What are you talking about? You're going to fucking commit genocide, bro. You're an awful person. Yeah, I'm not talking to you.

No, John, I want to be honest with you. I haven't had that conversation with anybody yet, so you're safe. Oh, thanks. Okay.

Yeah, no one said anything to me about it. I had no one's contacted me about it.

No one's reached out. I don't know why. I'm laying in bed just like looking. He's on high alert for the next week. It's gonna happen. It's gonna happen soon, right? Dad sleeps with a knife under his bed. I come in just to ask him to close the gate. He stabs me. I knew you'd be here. This conversation actually leads him to spiral into genocide. No one can be trusted, especially the Slovaks. Oh my gosh, asking me for water at the end of the night. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast.

Yeah, good job.

This was fun.

Good job today. What's the plan for tonight?

Um, celebrate Natalie.

I'm, I'm stressed out, man. 10:30 party. I don't know what I'll do.

Well, you're gonna have to hang in there, Jay.

What do I do? What do I do?

We can talk off-pod. It's over.

Okay.

All right, we'll see you guys later. Bye!