Naked Capture The Flag

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast.

Hey Dave, real quick before you start, I wanna say thank you to everybody that helped this podcast happen this year.

Finally, some appreciation for me.

Let me start out with Ella, who's been a great addition this year.

Joe, cut this.

And I love seeing you every week, you have a great smile, you bring just so much. I gotta tell you, man, you just have one of the funniest personalities out of anybody in the group.

Joe, you know how to cut this, right?

Joe.

Can I keep this one?

No, cut this.

Joe, you put up with all the edits, you just do such a great job, you always have a smile on your face and you're always looking out for the team.

Joe, I swear to God, if you don't cut this one. And, uh, this is the one that needs Taylor and Natalie aren't here.

Also just want to shout out to them too. Tay is great.

Natalie and Joe, get ready to cut back right here because it's probably coming towards me now.

Yeah, Jay, go for it.

And that's basically it. That's all I wanted to say. That's everybody, I think.

And what about your co-host? You hurry up, man.

This is a long intro.

You suck, man.

All right, roll the intro music.

So my puzzle sold out. Out completely.

No, it didn't.

Yes, it did.

Oh, and also, John Legend's leaving Chrissy Teigen for me.

I wanted to mention that.

No, is that fucking crazy?

It's sold out already.

Sold out.

100,000 of those puzzles sold. 100,000 puzzles sold, Jay.

If—

Jay, if you fucking—

if I was in high school and you're like, yeah, you're gonna sell 100,000 puzzles when you're in your mid-20s, I'd be like, are you fucking high?

That's all they told you? Wouldn't know how, but you're like, I'm gonna get into the puzzle making boys.

I'm gonna get into making toys. Yeah, so that's how many fucking puzzles sold, which is fucking ridiculous.

Crazy.

Yeah.

And so basically the puzzle, for those of you guys who don't know, I'm selling a puzzle, well I was selling a puzzle, that once you make it, it's a QR code and you win anywhere from 25 cents to $100,000. You're always a winner, but you know, most people are gonna win 25 cents. Jason, you were actually the first person to finish the puzzle other than ourselves. You're the first person to finish it, and you're the first person to scan it. And Jason won. How much did you win? Go ahead.

I won $10.

Jason won 10 fucking bucks, which I was—

I like lost my mind because there's—

I think there's a 5% chance of you winning more than 25 cents.

Like, those are the odds.

And that's pretty crazy that one of my friends had fucking $10 in their thing. But the funny part is Jason didn't even complete the puzzle on his own. You hired someone to do it.

I went to the Puzzle Master.

Yeah.

And there's a person that puts together puzzles. And how much does that cost you?

It cost me $400.

Oh my fuck.

Wait, how did it cost you $400? So she charged me per hour, per puzzle.

She said, I'll do it for $400. I said, okay, I'll pay you $300 to do it. And she's really great. Her name's Karen Puzzle.

She's a YouTuber.

Yeah, sweet, sweet gal. And I went and dropped the puzzle off and I was like, I was like, hey, I was like, it's really hard. You know, I was like, from my car, because we're like social distancing, I was like, hey, I just want to let you know, it's like really hard. Like no one's been able to do it. Like 14 people have tried in my friend group. Yeah, she was like, okay, yeah, no, I'll, I'll, I think I can do it. I'll get it done.

Wow.

She did it in 6 hours.

6 fucking hours. That's pretty good.

She told me how to do puzzles. She taught me a little bit about it. You're supposed to separate all the pieces. Um, so all the pieces that look alike, you separate, you know, and put them together.

Oh yeah.

She taught me a little bit about it. I did the edges.

Well, good. The edges is the easiest part. And that cost you $400.

Yeah.

Made $10 back.

I made $10 back. I got the puzzle for free.

So you're technically only down $390.

Yeah. And I got to see you smile.

Priceless.

But no, that's great that that sold out. I'm trying to think of anything good happened to me this week.

You got the puzzle done. I got the— yeah.

Are you gonna do another one?

Another puzzle?

Mm.

I think like the next thing— first I wanna make sure that these puzzles, like everything goes smoothly. And I fucking beg you, if you bought one of these puzzles, please for the love of fuck, complete the puzzle. Complete it, 'cause I asked, I asked the puzzle people and I was like, I was like, hey, if no one solves it in like, I mean if no one wins $100,000 in like a month, can we like redo the QR codes so like the next person will win it? And they're like, we can't do that 'cause that's illegal. And we don't even know, we don't know where the $100,000 puzzle is because that would be illegal. So if a person gets it and they don't put it together and it's sitting in their fucking living room, it's going to be just $100,000 sitting in their bookshelf.

So if you bought one, please, for the love of God, please, please put it together because I do not want $100,000 just sitting somewhere randomly and no one claiming it.

You're always so funny like that.

Yeah.

Like you just told a great story and I was like genuinely happy for you. And then in my mind I compartmentalized it and I was like, oh, Great. Dave had a win. And then you kept talking and I was like, oh shit, it's not over.

Yeah.

If no one completes the puzzle, which is quite likely.

Yeah.

Like if some 8-year-old who loves you got the puzzle and was just like, I don't know, just decides to play Call of Duty all through Christmas break.

I hate puzzles. Or they like, they lose a piece.

Oh, I lost a piece.

Yeah.

Puzzle Master finished it and she called me and she's like, I have everything but one piece. And I was like, what?

How'd you find it?

I searched my house forever. It was in the dishwasher.

Shut the fuck up.

No, I am not. Deadass, it was in the dishwasher.

Why was it?

Why were you on top of my tabletop and the dishwasher was like kind of open and one piece fell in there?

Dude, that's what I'm fucking saying.

Like, what if someone has a— I don't know. I'm—

that's what I'm really worried about for when these puzzles are done.

I'm going to— it's going to be like a weight lifted off my shoulder when someone wins this $100K because I'm going to go, thank God someone fucking had it. But up until then, we're not out of the woods yet. Someone has to win.

So that's what I'm excited for.

I was thinking about like when I moved here, I used to live with 4 roommates, which means we had 2 bedrooms. So I shared a bedroom with one of my roommates. And I remember my high school crush came to visit once. I don't wanna say her name, but she came to visit me once and I shared a room with one person. Like there's 2 beds in one room. So I slept and I could see him sleeping. Their beds were right next to each other. And one day it was like midday, we were just like, I was on my phone in bed laying down and he was laying in his bed and we were just on our phones, whatever, having fun.

And she walks in and she's super pretty, like one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen.

And she lays right on top of him and she's like cuddling with him. And I'm like, I knew I didn't have a chance with her because like, she's just like, she's just like pretty. Like, I didn't mind it.

Like, I didn't even feel jealous. I was like, wow, he's lucky. Like, I wasn't even like, I wish it was me. I was just like, yeah, he's a lucky dude.

And, and then she like got under the covers with him and it was really cute. And then, and then she was like hugging him and he was looking at me like, what the fuck is going on? And the next— I can't believe I never told the story. She winks at me, she gives me a wink, and she goes under the covers and she gives him a blowjob.

Oh, isn't that fucking insane?

In front of you?

In front of me.

Did you watch?

I—

he just— he kept giving me— I watched, but there was nothing to see because it was under the covers. And the funny part is, is, yes, I did. I remember he finished and I remember the covers.

The covers were really thin.

It was like a— it wasn't like an actual blanket. It was just like a little white linen piece, like a sheet. So like you could see like all the movement that was happening underneath the sheet. And I remember him looking at me like this was totally uncalled for.

They've never hooked up before. And he was so confused, but he was just like, I'm down for this. And he was just looking at me and he was like, what the fuck is going on?

And I was just fucking—

I was just in shock. But I had the biggest smile on my face because I was like, whatever, man. This is the closest I'll get. This is fucking sick.

But like, huh?

Are they drunk?

No, bro, this is like midday, like 2 in the afternoon. Nobody's drunk. She was just— she's just like, like, like a free spirit like that. She was just like feeling like, I'm going to do this because I think it'll be funny and I can.

And she did it. And I thought it was fucking so sick. It's so badass. And I was like, what the fuck is going on?

Holy shit.

He was like sitting in his bed rooting. He's like, yeah, yeah.

And the way she went and like gave him a blowjob is like, listen, I hate to make this about myself, but I genuinely felt like she was putting on a show for me.

She probably—

she probably— I mean, she definitely, like, got off on the fact that you were sitting there watching her and you were like, you know, little dorky Dobrik.

Yeah. No, it was exhilarating. Like, I mean, it was the best experience of my life. I'm telling you, she locked eyes with me, which she's never done.

I know you've told me this story like 4 or 5 times.

I would just tell you about this fucking wink. And then she winked at me and I knew it was go time.

But yeah, that was a moment I was thinking about.

I was also thinking about another moment I was at. I was just reminiscing on my experience with women. Um, there's another girl I had a crush on and we were at Mike Lindsay's house, my hometown friend. And, uh, I, I really liked her and, and there was this mosquito spray, uh, that everyone was putting on cuz Midwest, there's so many mosquitoes. And I decided to like spray everybody with it cuz I was just the jokester, just running around spraying people with the mosquito repellent.

I actually know this story.

You know the story? Yeah. And I sprayed her so much that, um, that she started coughing and she had like a serious cough attack. And turns out she needed her inhaler, but she didn't have it. So she started choking and gasping for air. So we had to call the ambulance. Oh my God.

And she was put in the back of the ambulance and rushed to the hospital. What the fuck? During like—

She had like chronic asthma.

She had like chronic— Yeah, during like a barbecue.

And I'm fucking sobbing. I'm sobbing. I'm like, I cannot believe this is happening to the girl I liked. Like, what the fuck did I do? Like, I was just trying to be flirty and stupid. And like, everybody's like, it's gonna be okay, Dave. It's gonna be okay, Dave. I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

Freaking out. Yeah. So that's what happened.

Now, what do you remember about this story?

I just remember you telling me, and I just remember because you're such a fucking dork. Yeah, that happened.

Yeah, I felt really bad for her. But, and I remember like I texted her this long text after that and it was like, and it ended with, and it ended with like, like, now I realize every time I see an ambulance, it's somebody's loved one in there.

And then every time we'd see each other, every time I'd be with her, every time I'm with Michael too, and there's an ambulance passing by, Michael turned to me and be like, That's someone's loved one, you know? So, so yeah, there's that. It's a moment I thought of.

What about— should we talk about like some of our like firsts? Like the first time we got drunk or something? Like, you know, first time we got drunk.

Sure.

Peppermint schnapps. Natalie. Natalie, you just sounded like you were at like a lame bonfire. Natalie just sounds like she's at like a lame party and she's trying to get everybody riled up.

I'm trying to—

like she just invited people over for her birthday and everyone's like not feeling it.

And they're like, and they're like, we were going to We're gonna go.

And she's like, two truths and a lie icebreakers, guys.

All right, Nat, talk about one of your firsts.

Start with something.

Yeah, Nat, how'd you lose your virginity? What's the story behind that?

Um, you're the one that wanted to talk about first.

I said getting drunk, not my virginity.

Oh, it's the same thing.

I mean, no, not really. Like, you drunk at all? Um, no.

So how did it go? What happened? Why are you being so weird about this?

Because it was— because I— it was like technically my first, but I like kind of don't count it because it wasn't like— it wasn't like I was having like romantic sex with somebody. It was just like, it just happened because it happened, and it was just like an oops.

And then like, we were like, oh my God, you like tripped and you're like, what do you mean you fell into me?

Like the weirdest way to describe sex.

Oops.

I think I know what you mean.

Okay, okay, let me just explain. I was at summer camp, okay? And I used to go to sleepaway camp in New Hampshire, and like it was co-ed, whatever. So like girls and guys would always hook up like after hours.

And you lost your virginity to a guy in camp?

Yeah, but like, I don't really count it.

Okay, I count it. I'm like, upset.

Okay. Are you okay?

It means a lot to me.

You never told me about this.

I don't even like count it because it's just stupid.

The camp that they sent you away to.

Imagine this.

Your mom didn't want to pay.

Yes.

Okay.

I sound like—

I sound like there's only one.

I sound like we talked about this when we were younger and you like promised me that you didn't have sex with this guy. And now I'm finding out and I'm like, you wait, you did what with him?

All right. Anyways, your virginity. Well, what happened? There.

Okay, so there's this guy from Venezuela that came to camp, and he spoke like very broken English or whatever, but he was really cute, played soccer. I played soccer. It was, you know, all these little things falling together. So the guys and my girlfriends, literally behind my back, were being like, we need to get this guy, we need him to— we need this guy to hook up with, with Natalie. We need him to hook up with Natalie so Natalie has a hookup for the summer, because I was like the goal. I was like not into it, I just like didn't care. But the Mount Katahdin trip happened, and we all go together for like 4 or 5 days, and we're doing this big trip.

You camp out on the mountain in, you take showers, it makes you horny too, right?

Exactly.

I don't know, I made that up. Is that true?

No, I just—

Elevation.

So on the last night, we decided we were going to play naked capture the flag, the boys and the girls.

Okay, wow, you just dropped that on us pretty— okay. And naked capture the flag?

Yeah, it's a whole like— but it's a weird thing that like, I got the flag!

That's not the flag.

Yeah, it's dark, right?

It's dark, so you can't really see.

You can't really see. That's the whole thing. It's like, oh, we're naked, but you can't really see, you know. We were supposed to do that. We were supposed to have our naked capture the flag, but a bear during the day came onto our campsite, a black bear, and it tore our tents apart. We went to the river to shower that day, and we came back and our tents were torn apart. Our food was just everywhere because we made the mistake of leaving out food in the middle of a fucking mountain. So our trip got canceled for our safety. We had to leave, and we were all bummed because we're like, fuck, we can't play naked capture the flag. And so we, we got back to camp. It was like a 6-hour drive. We got back to camp at like 1 in the morning, and we're like, we we have to play, we have to play. So like our counselors, they let us— they like let us get dropped off in the far, far fields. And this was supposed to be the moment, like my girlfriends and the guys were planning like, oh, after capture the flag, Natalie and this guy are gonna go hook up. And that moment happened. I was like, thank Jesus Lord, like I don't have to go hook up with this guy, whatever. Played the game, whatever, game was over. And him and I like were naked. One, and we met.

Hold on, bro, she's about to get in the juicy part.

Wait, what?

Him and I were naked and all of our friends are like, okay, like this is like, yeah, this is the time. So they all left, and it was just him and I in the middle of this, like, get the fuck out of here.

I've never heard this shit out of a movie. Natalie, what the fuck?

You and him are just naked on this field?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Making this up?

Damn, dude. Natalie was born soccer.

No, this sounds like way hotter, like nicer than it was.

You belong to the field, Natalie.

It was so awkward. And like, and we were like standing up naked. Like, like, it's not like, it's not like we were like laying in bed, like naturally, you know, whatever. We were standing up naked and we started like making out or whatever. And then he like— I don't like— this is kind of gross, actually. Don't really want to talk about this.

Oh my God, you've come this far.

Okay, you're on the field.

So we're on the field where he— we're like making out or whatever, and he like lifts me up. I'm like on him or something. And he—

you guys are still having sex standing?

No, we haven't had sex yet.

You're straddling him.

He picks me up. And so— and then And then whatever. So then we started laying down and then he was like laying on top of me and like, I was, I was like nervous and super scared. And so he like, this is why it's like kind of gross, but he like put a stick inside me.

A stick?

No, a dick.

No, a dick, bro.

Ella, you thought he put a stick inside her?

He's from Venezuela.

They're horny.

They're horny.

Let me rephrase that.

She said it was gross. I thought she meant—

Yeah, why is that gross? That's what sex is.

He put his penis inside you.

I know, I know, I know.

Okay, and then what happened? Did you go—

Because it was just so awkward and like so uncomfortable.

And like, yeah, you're 16.

It's not supposed to be beautiful.

I know.

Like the worst. It's like losing your virginity is like a horror show sometimes.

Okay. And then what happened?

And did you guys—

did it last more than 10 seconds?

No, no, no. He like, he like put it in one time and then I was just like weirded out and like we were making out and then we just— he just walked me back to my bunk and that was it.

He walked you back naked?

Yeah.

Were you holding his hand back or did you hold his penis?

How did you walk with him back to the cabin?

I can't breathe.

Where you're just like, I found this boy in the woods.

This is so weird.

I have made him mine.

I won the game.

This entire— yeah, it's like the Hunger Games. You're covered in blood. I've done it! Dude, that's fucking—

that's crazy.

How have I never heard that story?

I don't know.

I've never relived and recounted that story like I just did.

You had—

you lost your virginity in the middle of a field during capture the flag.

That's pretty good.

I love how this all started.

Hey guys, let's talk about the first time we got drunk.

Or something first.

Yeah.

What superhero you think you would want to get if you could get it right now? If they get a franchise going and it's David Dobrik starring, which superhero?

Iron Man's son.

Iron Man's son?

He's called— well, he's not Iron Man's son, but he's like Iron— he's like a kid that like takes over Iron Man. His name's—

tell me, tell me, because I don't know anything about comic books. What happens in the story?

I'm not too familiar with like exactly how the story works, but I think the kid's kind of been in the movies. He's, he's one of— have you seen Iron Man 3?

Sure, I've seen them all.

Well, he's, he's the kid. Remember when Iron Man, he, he flies like a small town? There's this kid that helps him out.

Yes.

You let a little kid— of course, that little kid turns out to become Iron Lad.

Ah, right.

I think that's how it goes.

That's pretty sick.

So that's the kid I'd want to play.

Different backstory, kind of humble beginnings. Yeah, Iron Man just passed it down to you.

He doesn't— I think he like creates his own suit. Because Iron Man gifted him this whole fucking studio and gave him this whole shop where he can create his own things. And I think he becomes Iron Lad and like when he's in his like 20s and like, that's what I would love to play, bro.

I just got chills right now.

Why?

I just got chills that like someone at Marvel like hears this podcast and is like, yeah, okay, you know what? It's just fucking crazy enough to work. You imagine?

That's the goal. Marvel, if anybody at Marvel— listen, guys, if you have parents that work at Marvel, say I will work my ass off.

Let me read one of those DMs I get all the time. I will work for you for free for the next 90 days. And if I don't prove myself, if I don't prove myself, please DM Robert Downey Jr.

right now and send that. Yeah, I will work for you for the next 90 days, bro.

I would fucking— and I would drop everything I'm doing to really, to really kill it.

I will, I will travel to Singapore and become whatever it is.

Hang on.

I will get one with the character.

Hang on. You know what they're going to tell you?

What?

You're gonna get it. Have to get a trainer, and you're gonna have to get—

that's my favorite part.

Oh yeah, your trainer. You fired 4 trainers here.

No, I didn't fire, they quit because they quit because you don't show up. Yeah, but Jade, that was my favorite part because now I'd have like a goal and I'd be forced to do it. I'd be forced, and I can't— I'm not gonna let other people down. Like, that's the one thing I hate doing is letting people down.

No more burritos. Yeah, no more tacos.

Yeah, no, I don't know what that means.

Well, you have to have a different diet. You know, these guys, they're going crazy. Kamau Nanjiani, like, he became a superhero.

He was—

he was—

he was a comedian and he got ripped. But, you know, he had like a special—

I know, Jay, but like, I'm not going to fucking— you think I'm just going to fucking—

bro, if Marvel fucking comes to me and they're like, yo, you're going to fucking play Iron Man, I'd be like, yeah, I'll fucking give up whatever.

No more COD.

I don't give a fuck, bro. If you told me I have to live in an igloo for the next 3 years, I fucking live in an igloo. I'd commit to that shit. I think it's— I think superheroes are so fucking— I'm so like infatuated with it. Like, just Robert Downey Jr. especially. Like, I know he's my favorite Iron Man, but like, but like, why they're so cool to me is because they're not real, but they are real. Like, when Robert Downey Jr. like appears at like a hospital, or he's like at a school and there's little kids there, there's no such thing as superheroes, but they are in movies, and Robert Downey Jr. is the closest thing you can get to a superhero.

Yeah.

So when a kid is looking at him, he's very much the embodiment of a real superhero. Oh yeah. Like, when he's— when a kid's having that interaction with him, like, that's like That's like such an empowering thing for a kid to like be a part of, to like have a conversation with someone they look up to. And like, I love the feeling of like what these actors and what these characters create for other kids. And I think that's like so fucking priceless. Just like that, the fact that like Robert Downey can like, or like Chris Evans can walk into a room and could like literally fucking light like these little kids' eyes up because of like how much they look up to these people. Like that, like that means the world. That'd be so cool to be able to do.

He brings like, he transcends the role. Like he just, he brings something a life that doesn't exist, right?

I think, I think that's so sick.

Did you see this TikToker, Jake Coleman? He got really famous doing one TikTok, but then they took the sound away, so now his page is just— oh, she's no sound. Yeah, pretty funny. You know the sound that's like, uh, you want a potty? What'd you say?

Oh, they took that away?

Yeah, mine's gone too. I did it too. Pretty bumming. Okay, are you still mad? Are you still mad about, uh, not being mentioned in the intro. It's just a gag, bro. You're obviously the main beef here.

Okay, so that is clear.

Dave, do you want me to say it? Because I will. You know what, this is the thing about you.

No, I'm kidding.

This is the thing about you. Everybody thinks David's got this easy life. It's not true.

It's fucking hard out here for a pimp.

It is.

It's tough.

Yeah, so I'll say it, Dave. You're fucking—

you're great.

You're amazing.

You know that. Okay, now he's checked out. He's tuning out now. He's picking his ears.

You act like you want all these compliments and stuff, but then when people give them to you— Yes, you are. So yeah, last night I sent him this like long, really nice text.

Oh, the worst. Don't ever do that.

Didn't get anything yet last night.

You sent me a text last night?

Yes.

What? That's fucked up.

Oh, and you didn't respond?

Oh, deadass. I literally—

Deadass.

I had no idea.

I thanked you for my gift and then I sent him this long text What did it end with? All these things.

Wait, what?

So fucked up, man.

Wait, you know what's crazy is long texts are my favorite in the world, and that's why I sent them to you and you didn't even acknowledge it. Wait, Ella, you didn't— I'm literally looking at our phone. You didn't text me anything.

Oh my God, you did!

Wow, you must be operating at such an insane rate that you did.

And I know he wasn't— I knew he was awake because he was fucking streaming.

The person who bought you a gift, you know why I had—

well, you know why I didn't get it. Because I have all the assistants on do not disturb. What the fuck?

Great way to run a business, man.

I just get so bothered when they're always asking me to do shit and I'm just like, I'm trying to have you do your job.

Yeah.

Oh man, that's so fucked up.

Ella, my bad. Ella, I totally missed this text and it is fucking long. Oh my God.

No, don't read it.

I can't read it because it's like really cute and sweet and like it's not supposed to be.

Here we go.

Oh, I'm so sorry. These are my— I'm not going to read it now. I'm going to read it in like 9 hours when I'm like alone in bed because that's when I love them the most.

I'm such a big fan of long texts. I do hate compliments in person.

Like, that is— that's 100% true.

Like, I hate that.

Like, I think they're like, it's really hard to sit through.

But that's why it's so hard to like make you feel bad about anything, better about anything, because like when you're down, like we're like, but Dave, like, come on, you're doing all this shit and you hate that part. But like, I'm not going to like put you down. I want to put you up and you like won't accept it. You're like, no, this fucking sucks. And you're like, okay, I don't want to. You can't. There's no winning.

It's—

yeah, because it's like hard to talk me up because I just feel like a little kid.

Like, I don't know.

Yeah, I just try not to interact with you.

Well, we have a podcast, so that kind of, that kind of makes it a lot tougher on you. But, but yeah, no, I'm sorry.

I didn't—

hey, what happened with the rap song?

Oh, oh, oh, can we talk about that? About what?

Me and Ilya wanted to write write a love song for you, but it turned into more of a diss song. And lyrically, it was phenomenal.

I can read some of the lines if you'd like.

Yeah, read some of the lines right now. One second.

Joe and Ilya came to me and they said, hey, we're writing a diss track for David. And I said, okay, that's— well, that's— that's hard to do. And— and then we started writing it. They also offered me a part of their protein company, uh, there, to— they think to get me to write it. Then they made me sit there and type everything the first day, and I was like And they're talking about percentages of what they're giving away to the writer. They're giving nothing to me, by the way, and I'm sitting there fucking typing the whole day.

What do you mean giving to the writer?

I don't know, like they were gonna have to have a meeting and they were arguing like, don't give too much percentage away for the song, don't give the Spotify rights, only the YouTube rights.

You thought this diss track was gonna be that big when you were talking about Spotify rights?

I knew it wasn't gonna be big, so I was just like, I didn't fucking say anything. Uh, and then, and then as we started to write it, I was like, ooh, this is, this is, this is tough, this is mean. Yeah, yeah, it's tough to write a diss track.

Read some lines.

Okay, okay, this is Joe's— this is Joe's part. This is a story about a little Slovak selling fucking puzzles and doing TikTok. Used to get 10 million views overnight filming Zane drunk and Scott in a fight. This would be me. I would go, yo, Joe, haven't you been in some of David's vids? And he goes, yeah, he gave me a Corvette. He gave me— he gave away Corvette, but my reaction was shit. And then he goes, he goes, come over and edit, Joe, it'll be real quick. 5 hours later, bitch, suck my dick.

Yo, um, that's really—

well, let's talk about this because this is really interesting. The day I gave you the Corvette.

Oh, that was the best day of my life.

So Joe— so for some reason there's like ongoing joke between me and Joe that he can't ever get into my vlogs.

I don't know how it happened, but it's like— I don't know, Jake, can you explain it better?

Yeah, you don't like Joe. You don't like him in the videos.

Joe is—

and I've said this, and I say this behind his back all the time— I think Joe's one one of the funniest people ever, and he sits next to me and edits every vlog with me. I'll be editing and he'll be right there, and I'll be like, Joe, do you think this is good? And he'll be like, no, and then he'll give me something, he'll be like, cut this out, but cool, that's a good idea.

But when it comes to being in the videos, for some reason it's just never happened.

And there was this one moment where I was like, okay, I'm gonna buy my editor friend Joe a Corvette. This is gonna be this real special moment and really exciting.

And the worst part is, is the reason I was like so scared to get him this Corvette—

the reason I didn't want to give him is because he sits with me and edits every video, so he knows how much I analyze a reaction, right? So like, he knows— he like— like, I don't want anybody to know this, and I almost only want to talk about on the podcast, but like, I like— like, when I get a reaction, like, and I'm editing the reaction, like, I'm analyzing like every moment of it. I'm like, like, I'm cutting like at the perfect time they look away, or like they're their eye contact changes or like something like that. So it's like, it's like very structured the way I cut together a reaction because I want to make it super emotional. And for that reason, I was like, I'm scared to give Joe something because I don't want him to fucking overthink it. And like, I want him to just like accept the gift and have like a good time. And I was so scared that like when, when I gave him this Corvette, he's gonna be like, oh fuck, it's me, I'm on the vlog now, this is my vlog, time to get a good reaction, here I go, here I go.

Go.

And Joe, what happened when I surprised you with the Corvette? Like, honestly, be honest. Maybe, maybe you weren't freaking out about the reaction. How was it?

It was awful because I like— there's like behind the vlog, in the moment you're like all pumped, but then like I also think about you like, okay, how are we cutting this together? And like, where's the end point? Where's the out point?

I don't care if you give me a bad reaction, I just care if it's a forced reaction. Yeah, like that's my least favorite thing is when someone plays it up for the camera, right? Like, I just want like That's why I was nervous about surprising you too.

Mine was good.

No, yours was good.

I was excited.

No, no, Jay, but listen, I was scared that you were gonna like play it up for the camera, but you like played it perfectly. You were like, when I gave you the Tesla key, you were like, well, it's about time. Like that was your reaction, and that was so perfect. And I hate when I surprise people and they think that they have to give me this big reaction for the camera. And that's what I was scared that Joe was gonna think he had to give me.

I remember thinking that when you gave it to me, but then when I saw that it— what the car was, it— that took over into this pure, like, fucking crazy enjoyment. And I was like, it was the exact car I wanted. And I was like, oh my fucking God, I was like crazy.

Yeah.

So anyway, we gave him the car and Joe was finally in a vlog. And I just didn't like the rest of the video. Like, I just didn't like how— and I— and every vlog I love, every vlog of mine I'm completely in love with, right? Like, like day one. I know, like, some vlogs just you know, they— the first vlogs are definitely different than the, than the rest, but I still like them for what they are, right? And they progressively got better and better. But like, this one vlog stuck out to me like a sore thumb.

I don't know what it was, and Joe knew that.

And then I get a call from SeekGeek.

It was Joe's face.

Joe was in it.

I got a call from SeekGeek and they were like, hey man, we don't like this vlog. And the main reason I didn't like the vlog is because I did something new with the ad read., and it was like, it was like Ian from Seek Geek was like drunk in it.

Yeah.

And Ian was like, you know what, maybe it's not the best idea that I, that I'm drunk in this video. And I was like, you're right, it doesn't look that good, it didn't look that entertaining. And Joe's face, and I was just like, I'll just pull it.

And Ian was like, what?

Because like, I won't pull a vlog for fucking anything, right? Like, if a brand will call me and be like, we, we're gonna pull this brand deal out if you— yeah, I would be like, I don't give a fuck. Like, I don't, I don't need to get paid. Like, this— my vlogs are my babies. Like, I'll fucking do whatever for it.

But this is the one vlog where I was like, yeah, I'll just take it down. And Ian from Seek Geek was like, what?

Like, you're just gonna— I was like, yeah, I'm just gonna take it down. And that's it. And I removed it and took the Corvette back, and that's the end. No, Joe still has the Corvette.

But yeah, it was, it was really funny because it's like, it's like this, like, only like the super fans will know that there was a moment that Joe got a Corvette.

Before it got deleted.

Wait, so that was the only video that you've ever taken down?

I've taken down 2 videos before, but not for the reason that I just didn't like it.

Has Joe been in any other vlogs, or was that the only one?

David made me eat Jason's toenail once.

Yeah, I saw that. That was fucking disgusting.

We loved it.

I thought it was one of my favorite videos, but David tells me no one liked it.

Yeah, bro, no. When we were editing it, we were dying laughing. We thought they were so funny because it was Jason's disgusting-ass toenail, and I was like, Joe, what was—

what was I gonna give you to A brand new 80D camera, which I needed.

Okay, so I was gonna give Joe a new camera to eat the toenail, and like, it was like a gross sharp toenail, like really disgusting.

Jason, you— I don't know how you were growing these things. And it was so—

it was so disgusting that Joe had to go wash it in the sink.

So he washed it in the sink, but as he was washing it, he dropped it down the drain. And the best part is, when he dropped it down the drain, we're like well, we can't let this bit go. So we had to hire a plumber, and the plumber had to come and open up the sink so we could pull out the toenail so Joe can eat it. And this is all in the vlog. We were fucking dying. We fucking loved it. And then I posted the vlog where he ate the toenail, and people were like, yo, the comments were like, the comments are like, yo, yo, this is not cool, this is disgusting. That was the— that was like the other moment Joe was in the vlog.

So I think, I think that like scared me from Joe for a little bit.

Both times Joe's been in the videos were not good.

Yeah, both times it has tanked. But, but yeah, Joe eating the toenails, one of my favorite moments that was very underappreciated in the videos.

Speaking of Secret Santas, we did our Secret Santa here last night.

How did it go? What did everybody get?

By the way, I have my gift for you.

That's sick, Elle.

Oh, should I turn around? It's your new gift.

Wow, does it fit?

That's the only color they had.

I love this color. Is this a gag?

No, it feels like a gag.

I'll be 100% honest, I love the jacket.

Really?

Il got me a Nike poofy jacket. The style of it I absolutely love. I love Nike.

Nike's one of the cool brands that an older guy can wear and no one's gonna give him shit for it.

It's Nike.

Nike's sick.

And it looks cool, right? Are you fucking with me?

I know there's—

I think there's something coming.

I want to let the listeners in.

I want to let the listeners know that the color of the jacket is, is, um, is—

I don't know if you've ever seen when a baby has diarrhea.

I mean, ill.

I'm—

take it away, Dave.

I'm completely mind-blown You literally chose the ugliest color in existence. I mean, I think there's not an uglier color that exists.

I hate to put this down, but you agree there is no color in the world that would be worse than this jacket, which is— which sucks because the jacket is fucking dope.

Yeah, it's a dope jacket.

Oh my God.

No, if I'm being honest, I was at the Nike store and I wanted to get you like a cool poofy jacket like that.

Were there other colors?

No, that was the only color. And I was like, fuck.

Let me, let me go in and look in the mirror.

Maybe I'm wrong.

I think you guys are putting too much weight on this color. I think, I think it doesn't look that bad.

Nope, it's terrible. Like, I'm trying to love it.

No, it's— Jay, it's the—

I thought it was a gag. I thought you guys were waiting for me to be like, I love it, and then you all were gonna go, haha, you assholes!

And the color is so off.

It looks like baby diarrhea. Ew, I feel bad. I'm I love it. I love that you bought me something and I love the actual style of it.

Maybe it looks cool when you gouge your eyeballs out.

If you close one eye and squint with the other, it's kind of cool.

My favorite is Jason's usually so positive about things and his reaction when he turned around and saw the jacket and he looked back at me, you could tell he like looked back at me to like check to see if it was a joke or not.

I totally did.

Honestly, I thought that the jacket itself like carried more weight than the color and I was like, maybe You know what I mean?

Guys, please don't think I'm being like an asshole and not being appreciative of this gift. If you saw it, like, I just have to be honest. I have to be honest because if I say that I love it, then everyone's gonna be like, you're so full of shit.

I'm glad that you said you don't like it because it's returnable.

This, this takes a lot of pressure off the gift that I'm gonna get you now, which is great.

Dave, can we talk about a subject?

It's a bit of a sore subject here, but I already know you're gonna say—

did you hear that Ariana Grande is engaged?

I know, I know.

I literally didn't want to talk about on the podcast. Best.

I just didn't want it.

You're really bummed out about it.

You should have seen him at the fucking pizza tasting today, bro. Right, but Jay, this is my big day, right? This is my big day at the pizza tasting. I finally, after a month of trying pizza, okay, yeah, we finally fucking go to pizza tasting, and right before the fucking pies are brought out and David tries his pizza, Natalie goes, did you know that Ariana Grande is engaged? David freezes. He freezes, and like for the next Next 30 minutes, we lose him. I'm like, the fucking pies are out there just sitting there. I'm like, dude, come on.

I know it bums me out. I will say, I will say this.

I will comment on this topic even though it is like, it bums me out.

Sure. And not for the fact that like I thought I would marry her one day, but like I wish I could have met her one day so I could have been like, you know what, maybe we wouldn't have vibed, but I've never met her, so I don't know. You know what I mean?

Like, I'm still like, I'm still in my head where I'm like, maybe we could have been one day.

But like, the one thing I will say is the guy that she's dating I really—

I've only seen pictures, but I really, really, really like them together. So, like, I know it's—

Megha trained him for this response.

I know.

I'm being serious. That's what I said. I said that at the pizza place. Like, I really genuinely just— I think, I think she found like a really good guy and I think— and she found like a normal guy and I think this is going to be sick.

So shout out to healthy, very healthy David.

I'm moving on.

But yeah, Ella just brought up—

I didn't want to talk about it because I curled up in a ball. It actually bums me out. I don't know why, for what reason, but it does.

And I wish her the best.

Dave, you're gonna want a statement from you on Ariana's engagement.

Yeah, no, I don't know.

But yes, yeah, hey, the better man won.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

There's plenty of fish in the sea.

Not like that.

You're right, she's like a beautiful dolphin. No, yeah, I was there at the pizza place and, and the guy who like owns the pizza shop, he's like, well, listen, man, sometimes you miss the bus and you just have to catch the next one.

And I was like, she's not a bus.

I just got an email that says Jason's jacket. That's the subject of the email. What? They go, the jacket you got Jason is fine. David and Jason just have bad fashion. Jason is too old to understand it's a nice color and David is too much of a dork.

Have we talked on the podcast? I mean, you've used every other outlet. Ilya is looking for a girlfriend. So just to preface this, I bet Ilya the other night he was like, oh, you know, I don't want a girlfriend. I could get one if I wanted to. And I was like, no fucking way.

Oh, he said that?

Yeah.

Oh, I think I'm gonna preface this by saying I said, okay, Ill, there's no fucking way you're gonna just find a girlfriend, you know, I'm gonna give you 7 days. And he's like, bet, bet. And then he goes on his Instagram and I go, that's already cheating. Yeah, you didn't give me any rules. No, I did, bro. I said, I said you can't fucking use your Instagram.

Where am I gonna find a fucking girlfriend during the pandemic?

Okay, but I'm saying, okay, he's using his Instagram, okay, that's fair. Last night we're sitting here and he just goes he goes, I don't actually want a girlfriend. And I'm like, no, you can't put that in.

Yes.

And then I'm like, what the fuck do you mean? And he's like, I don't think I'm ever gonna be in love. And like goes into this whole thing.

I'm like, okay, bro, it's called being a fucking Libra. Have you ever heard of that?

You're so fucking lame.

I'm just saying, bro, you're so like what it is. I'm telling you, bro, it is. Yes, you fucking change our minds all the goddamn time.

Okay, first of all, that's a Gemini. Libra aside, whatever whatever you are. Um, I think you are—

you're so easily like— you fall into love so easily, and you're— you are genuinely a simp.

And I think—

I am not a simp.

Yes, you are.

Last time I simped?

You simp all the time.

Oh, well, tell me the last time.

Tell me. What do you mean?

Tell me the last time I said—

I don't know.

Go ahead.

You simp a lot over people.

Like, yeah, over people in general, but not over girls.

I, I simp over you.

I simp over Joe, over Jason.

No, you simp over girls.

No, dude, you're wrong.

You're wrong.

I said for everybody.

I'm not coming to his defense, but I actually came to the conclusion last night that he's not a simp. He's actually a fuckboy. No.

Yeah. No, he's a fuckboy simp.

Okay.

No, no, no.

Fair enough.

No, he is a fuckboy. That you simp to everybody. You're simp to every—

like, if we're having people over, which we don't do anymore, which is why I don't have any examples. Right. But when we have people over and there's like a girl there, he— for the next 2, 3 days, it will be all about that girl.

Right.

Or if Corinne is here and this will be like— like, it'll be—

it'll happen in like it'll happen so quickly, right?

It'll be from one girl to the next, but he'll give everything he has to that one.

But then he's a fuckboy because after 3 days he's like, okay, I'm over it.

Yeah, he's a fuckboy simp. That's what you are.

Yeah, I agree. Jesus Christ, that's what you are.

You literally painted me in the worst possible picture.

It's not that bad.

It's like simp is like kind of a good thing, but then we added the worst thing. It's like, how could you be both?

But yeah, you're a fuckboy simp, but I think you're gonna find one You're gonna— you just need to find one person that you can focus all your simping on, right? And once you have that person—

he doesn't want to find that.

And can I also add, I hate the word simp. From the moment it was started, from the moment I heard it, I thought it was such a juvenile, stupid word.

I hate when kids use it, but like, it just describes Ilya so perfectly that I cannot use any other word. And, and you will never catch me using simp in another term other than with Ilya.

All right guys, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you guys for listening, and I want to wish you guys a Merry Christmas. Or whatever you're celebrating. Happy Hanukkah.

Happy Christmas, guys. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanzaa.

Everything. Have a good time, and I hope I hear from you guys soon. All right, see you guys. My name's Jeff.