Mom Spies On Kids

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. On today's podcast we have Natalie here, we have Jason and Natalie's mom, yo, AKA Jason's love affair. I don't know what's going on between those two. Yeah, well, Jason's like, Jason's like, yep, I don't know either. Every time, every time you two are in a room together, it's like sparks flying.

Listen, she's a very attractive lady. I, uh, I know that she lives in a trailer by choice and I respect that.

Okay, let's clear this up.

Not just trailer. David, she doesn't live in a trailer. It's a trailer by choice.

Okay, okay, so you live in a trailer?

I did live in an RV.

Okay, but Jason likes to pick at you and say it's a trailer.

I'm just kidding around. I've seen your trailer one time. We were in the—

pretty dope, isn't it?

Hey, yeah, it's really good. She wouldn't let me film it.

She said—

before you guys bond anymore—

what?

Before we start the California fires with all these sparks flying, sure, let's roll the intro music. Cool, thank you. So Natalie's mom, you want to introduce yourself real quick before we start?

Hi, I'm Natalie's mom.

Okay, what are you eating? Like, you have something in your mouth and it's freaking me out. What do you have in your mouth?

Molly?

Is that acid? What is that?

My mother, contrary to the belief in this room, my mother is not on fucking drugs 24/7, okay? David's favorite jokes are gen crack jokes. He loves to make jokes about how you're on crack.

I never Never bring up the trailer ever. I never brought up the trailer.

Just the crack. Just the crack.

The crack, I will stand by those jokes. That is 100% me. I love making jokes about you being on crack.

She doesn't do crack. She just parks her trailer next to people who do crack. Right? And that's when you heard the gunshots in New Orleans.

That was in New Orleans.

Yeah, maybe don't park the fucking trailer in the bad part of New Orleans.

Did I tell you about the night that I woke up?

Yeah, you told me.

Yeah, and there was people doing crack, or not crack, it was Coke, I guess.

But, um, like, literally, I just made the motion for Natalie's mom to bring the mic closer to her mouth and was like, I was telling her to suck dick.

Oh, Natalie's mom just pretended the mic was a dick. Natalie just goes, relax, Mom, you gotta get rid of the Jolly Rancher. Yeah, I don't know what—

number one, it doesn't sound good, and number two, it looks like you're fucking stoned.

You look so scary.

Yeah, here, give it to me.

Oh, he's gonna put it in his mouth.

Give me the Jolly Rancher. No, give me your acid-laced Jolly Rancher.

No.

What is that?

She won't give it up. Well, this is a real window into Natalie right now.

So I don't have a coughing attack.

You know, it's funny, my mom and I sat in the car the other day as I picked her up yesterday from LAX, and she was like, you know, I don't know why you turned out the way you did. Like, is it me? And I was like, hmm, Mom, you guys are so similar.

Did I really say that?

Yeah, we were talking about, you know, why I turned out the way I am and what the causes are, because everybody turns out the way they are because of something that happened.

Like, you guys are always bickering.

You think they're similar?

I think that's—

I think they're polar opposites. Really? Yes.

No, I think they are the exact same. Really? I think Natalie's literally turning into her mother.

Natalie's like, well, we all turn into our mothers eventually, supposedly.

Yeah, Natalie's like almost there. Natalie's 3 crack pipes from me.

Okay, do you think David will turn into his mother?

No, he's already turning into his father. You are.

Oh, wow. I'm like my dad. Is it because I whistle a lot?

His dad's really cool, though.

You mean Mr. King of Slovakia?

That's really cool.

I think you don't think my dad's cool?

Cooler than David?

You don't think my dad's cool?

On paper, Paolo's way cooler.

On paper, my dad's cool. To me, he's not because he's my dad. But on paper, he is a cool dad, right?

No, he's like, really cool.

Way better than you do.

Yeah, he dresses good. He exercises, he bikes, he's into photography. Yeah, he like got to this country while the rest of us just were lucky to be born here.

Sure. I agree. He's cool. Tell me more about your relationship with Natalie. Listen, this isn't a podcast for minds.

I'm sorry, I'm shy.

No, you're okay.

You're really—

we're just talking.

I know, I know, I know. Um, I mean, like, that's so open-ended.

It is open-ended. Let me be a little bit more specific.

Yes, please.

Natalie, what was your— what was your thought process when Natalie said she was moving to LA?

No fucking way. Oh yeah, well, she was, uh, she had one more year of college to go. She came back. I tell the story all the time. It was junior year before senior year. She came out to visit you. You just bought this house, and, um, they came out to help you decorate and stuff. And, uh, so she came back and she's like, Mom, I got some news. And I'm like, okay, what? And she's like, I want to move out to LA. I'm like, okay, cool. And she's like, no, like now. And I'm like, I don't think so.

Is that what I said? I was like, right now, let's do it.

Sounds like somebody was in love.

She wanted— you wanted to—

I was really eager. I feel like I always paint this story like David had to beg me and drag me out here, and I went home and I was like, Mom, let's go.

Natalie paints it like I've dragged her to LA.

So we came up with like a really good plan that you would come and visit way too much.

I thought you were the one person in the vlog squad that was happy when I came to visit.

I was like, when you come So happy when you know we're happy to have you. Finally someone my age around.

Really?

We're happy to have you. Should we just preview the conversations we had leading up to these dates where I was like, hey Dave, my mom's coming to town again, and he was like, oh fuck, Natalie, are you serious?

Timeout, timeout. When anybody says their mother's coming, I go, are you fucking serious?

Yeah, that's true.

But then when your mom gets here, I have literally no problem with her. I think she's really funny, especially your mom.

We all get along pretty good, huh? She's pretty— I said we all get along pretty good.

Yeah, we get along really well. The time I remember like the most is, um It was like you were here like 4 months ago. Yeah, we all got high and that was like—

No, we didn't.

Oh yeah, we did it. No, we got high and we rarely get high, but Natalie's mom was in town.

Hi, this is Megan, David's publicist. Really quick, David did not get high.

Oh, we were high with you. Sorry, I'm not painting you in the best light. Since Natalie's mom was in town, we decided to whip out the drugs.

I mean, I'm a crackhead, you know.

No, but we got high and it was— I don't know what was going on, but it was like I was sitting on the couch and you two were in the kitchen, and it was— I've never laughed so hard in my life. I don't know what the fuck was going on. And I couldn't even repeat the jokes because I know they're not funny anymore.

Yeah, it's very hard to be there.

There was like a really funny joke.

We were all standing around the island just dying of laughter for like 20 minutes straight. At least it felt like 20 minutes. Yeah, I don't remember what happened. There was probably nothing that happened. We all just— I think we all just made eye contact and thought it was funny.

Yeah, but yeah. So I— we have a real star in our midst.

Oh my god, what?

We have a real star.

What happened?

Amazing. Someone very close to us is huge on the internet. Oh, huge on Twitter, actually. Oh, Natalie. Natalie's tweets— look at these fucking tweets. 25,000 likes, 50,000 likes. David, I wanted to read you a tweet from Natalie. Oh God, that got 50,000 likes. Are you ready? Yeah, I want to snuggle up and watch a movie. 50,000 likes.

I don't know, she wants to snuggle up and watch a movie. That's pretty good.

My New Year's resolution is to not eat an Oreo every time I walk into the kitchen.

That one's pretty funny.

That's pretty good because that is very Natalie accurate.

Yeah, like that. Do people brush their teeth in the shower?

That one was about Dave.

Is that normal?

Listen, listen. Yes, people brush their teeth in the shower. Where do you guys brush your teeth?

I brush it in the sink, in the mirror, in the sink.

You guys don't brush it in the shower? I do. I do everything in the shower.

No, I was actually genuinely surprised. I genuinely thought you were one of the only humans in the world that did that, because I think it's fucking disgusting. Like, who leaves their toothbrush in the shower to get wet and mold and bacteria and all that shit growing on it that's in the corners of your shower? It's gross.

A. B.

Half the responses on that tweet were people that were just like, you're crazy. Of course I brush my teeth in the shower.

All right, so simple. I shave in the shower.

Okay, that's normal.

A lot of people—

yeah, I mean, a lot of people shave in the shower. Shaving in the shower and brushing your teeth and putting that toothbrush that has bacteria and stuff from the corners of your shower into your mouth—

I think you're— you have umbrage with the fact that he leaves the toothbrush in there.

Well, no, I leave the toothbrush in there, but I put the toothbrush leaning on the toothpaste so it's not actually touching anything.

I think I've walked into your shower, I see the toothbrush, sometimes it's on the floor.

It's never on the floor. Oh, you're looking at the wrong one. I have toothbrushes that aren't the ones that are putting in my mouth.

What do you do with those toothbrushes, Dave?

I call those ass brushes. Anyway, back to Natalie's eating habits. Today we were in the car and we were on our way to a meeting, and I very seriously turned to her and she was crunching on a taco, and I go, "Do you ever stop eating?" And like mid-bite, with a little bit of cheese out of her mouth, she just goes—

That's when he fell in love.

She goes, "Are you being serious right now? Am I being attacked?" And I was like, yeah, I feel like you're— she is always munching on something. And it's like, and like, I don't care, but I don't know why it bothers me so much now. Like, when it's always like— the only time I ever see a sense of urgency is when her corn dogs are about to burn. Like, that's, that's, that's when, that's when Natalie like all of a sudden wakes up like she fucking has a job to do. And she goes, oh my God, oh my God, not the corn dogs! Like, I never see her like hustle.

Or when Joe eats the last brownie, bro.

2 minutes ago she was flipping out because Joe ate the last brownie. Yeah.

And I fucking nearly ripped his throat out.

Who goes into someone's house? Who walks in to someone's place, their sacred place, where they keep the things that are special to them, and they eat the last brownie?

Sure. Yeah, that was exactly—

that was what she said.

That was Natalie 5 minutes before we started this podcast.

Joe, what were you thinking eating Natalie's last brownie?

Normally the last brownie goes to waste around here, so I—

That's not true. That is never— that will never ever be the case in a house that I live in.

Natalie, I think he did you a favor. I'm not saying because you shouldn't be eating brownies, But if someone ate my last brownie, I'd be like, thank you, Lord. I should never eat those brownies. I would love for people to come into my house and eat my sweets.

A literal psycho.

You're a psycho.

Don't say that I'm a psycho.

Your mom's a psycho. I'm just pointing fingers.

No, I just think it's actually a little crazy, Joe. You're looking dead in the eyes right now.

They were made yesterday. They were stale. It wasn't even that good.

They were not stale. You throw that puppy in the microwave, you put a nice little cold scoop of vanilla ice cream on it, and it's good to go.

No.

No, we were gonna get new brownies tonight anyway. I was clearing it out.

No, you know what's weird about that?

You already had two though, right?

Yeah, but if there's anything in the house, it's the last thing, especially if you never take the last one.

But maybe he looked at it like, oh, that's the last one, it's old and gross.

Natalie's interesting. She'll eat food from like a couple weeks back.

Okay, that's, that's a little extreme.

No, it's not, it's not. There'll be bread and the bread will be moldy and she'll just shut up. She'll pick the mold off So the bread doesn't go to waste. It's kind of, it's kind of admirable. Like, it's kind of like, oh, this is so sweet.

Well, Jen's very like that. She's— you're very conscientious about—

conscientious.

Yes. Saving things.

Yeah. That is really nice about Natalie, is that like—

I don't think she picks the mold off and eats the bread.

She's done it once. You've done it once.

Maybe there was like a little speck or something.

Yeah, that's, that's, that's pushing it for me.

And then there's you.

Uh-oh.

That like eats one grape and then the rest are no good.

No, no, that's not true. The, the one thing I can't do is I can't— I finished the, uh, like, if I have an orange juice container, I could never drink the bottom part of the orange juice container because it's like all the pulp. That's like one of my weird things.

Okay, cool. Let's move on.

Jason, I know Natalie likes food because every time I'm planning to have dinner with my kids, now they go, oh, where? Dinner?

It's so crazy.

Where are we going?

Where are we going?

Natalie and I could be in a, like, genuinely, like, brutal fight where we're not talking to each other the entire day, and then she hears that I'm going to Jonah's house for kebab and she'll perk up forget, like, and like nothing ever happened. It's very interesting what food does to her. It's kind of cool.

Has she always been into food? Did you used to cook a lot for her?

Absolutely.

Oh, what would you make her?

Um, I don't know, we did a lot of diverse—

that sounds like you never made her anything.

Actually, I'm cooking on Saturday. I meant to tell you that you're welcome to come over.

What are you gonna make?

Bummer, Jason and I are going to be out of town Saturday.

Um, that's fine, you weren't invited.

I'll be an alter ego.

I just invite Jason.

That's fucked up. Wait, there's a thing where you can buy a brownie platter that you can only make brownies that have edges. I thought everyone hates the edges.

Everyone loves edges. No one likes the middle.

Are you being fucking—

That's not true.

No, that is true.

Like the edges, and some people like them.

You like that? What do you like?

No, I mean, I'll eat any brownie any of the week.

You're a bad person to ask. Joe, you like the edges?

That's why I ate that brownie before, because it was an edge. It's the best part.

What, bro? There's— the edges are so hard and gross.

I hate to agree I agree with David on anything but middle, boy. Yeah, of course.

Middle's nice and moist.

That's why it's a brownie, not a chocolate chip cookie, you fucking weirdo.

It's the crust. You want the crust on the side.

Not on a brownie. It gets all burnt. Then it becomes brownie brittle.

Yeah.

And that's just fucking dumb.

That sounds delicious.

Brownie brittle out of a bag from Walgreens? No, thank you.

I have a thing for what you like. It's called fucking Cocoa Puffs. If you want chewy chocolate, that's what you got to eat. Fucking crunchy chocolate.

What if you put ice cream in the brownie? Well, then the end sucks.

No, you get it. You get the crunch in there.

No, no, you want it.

This is why I laugh.

Hey, let me read an ad to figure this out.

Hey, I met your boyfriend. We're in Chicago. Yeah, yeah. What's his name? Jerry. Can I ask you a question? Oh gosh, Jerry's a little bit younger than you, right? Like a lot of bit younger.

Uh, 7 years younger. Okay, okay.

Rock the cradle.

We call her Jenny from the Block.

Damn. Dating a younger guy, I think that's great. Is that— did you always date younger guys?

I dated 28-year-olds from the time I was 21, and I kept getting older, but they all kept staying 28.

Wow.

Wow.

So I was 21 when I met Nally's dad, and he was 28.

Would you date David?

No, you wouldn't date me?

No.

Why?

We don't have time. There's not enough time in this podcast to—

he married my mom, you know.

I know.

Might move on to you. No.

This next segment of the podcast is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's where we give our editor friend 25 seconds to say and do whatever he does.

Go, Joe. Okay, you can do this, man. Are you sure? You got this. You got this. Come on, slap me in the face.

Joe, 15 seconds.

David, please, one more time.

Listen, listen, there's a reason why the teeny weeny was so great when you used to do it.

Why was that?

Because it was just completely awful, and yet David still liked it somehow. So, okay, that's all you have to do. Okay, guys, guys, in one teeny weeny batch, please.

I have such a good one.

No, you— where is— what's up, weenies? What's What's up, weenies?

Welcome back to another—

Joe, Joe, time's over.

Have a good one. Have a good one. I promise, Joe, it's not going to make anyone feel bad.

This isn't going to— this isn't going to make you feel good. This isn't going to make you happy in any way. I am cutting that segment of the podcast forever.

No, you're not. Is that why you brought me here? To end it?

Just made the executive decision. It's done.

No, it's not.

It's—

bro, wait a minute. You're not just going to cut Joe like that. You can't. Maybe this was the best weenie yet. You don't know that. And you're not willing to turn that stone over?

Hey, dumb fuck, I listened to it.

Hey, don't talk to Natalie's mom like that.

I'm talking to you.

We're dating. I'm sorry, Jen, that's so rude. Hey, you know what was funny? When we were watching The Bachelor last week, we made the same observation, which was that how crazy The Bachelor is.

Yeah, bro, I don't get that fucking show at all. And, and I was getting so angry at Natalie for liking it.

But wait, this is, this is why it's crazy, right? No other— on the show, the guy goes and he makes out with 6 different girls, has sex with all of them, and, and the entire country's like, oh yeah, it's fine. No, it's so crazy.

But it's not, it's not—

he doesn't have sex because if we have— we have a friend talking about?

He doesn't have sex with all of them.

Oh yes, they do. They go to— at the end of the show, that he has sex with, like, when it gets down to the 3 of them, they all have sex.

That's in the show. Imagine what he's doing. He probably has all those girls' numbers, and every night he has a new girl over. There's no way.

What are you talking about, like, on the actual season or after this show is over?

During the show.

During the show.

During the show.

When they're all—

they don't have phones on the show.

The point is—

what do you mean they don't have phones on the show? What are you talking about?

They don't have a phone on the show. They're not allowed to have phones when they're— while they're on the show. For that like 5, 6 weeks, whatever, that they're filming, they're not allowed to have cell phones.

The part that's like really bizarre about it, how this dude is making out with like 15 different girls and he's literally building like serious relationships.

And in real life— and the point is, in real life, if a guy were to do that, if a friend of yours, a friend of ours were to do that, that is so disgusting.

And yet every week, yeah, like every woman watches that show like, yeah, like if I went on a date with a girl tonight and then I went out with a girl tomorrow night, the girl tonight found out about the girl tomorrow night, it'd be fucking— it'd be hell on earth.

But in The Bachelor, it's fucking whore city. It's literally a brothel.

Yes, it is.

So it's a brothel on TV. On TV.

It's just— it is very— it's very interesting.

It is very provocative, and I didn't originally— it didn't originate that way.

I do like it. I'm not saying I love it. I love it.

Let me say it's one of my favorite shows.

Probably the best show on TV.

But yeah, well, especially for the reason because it is so like fucking crazy. Yeah, like, like this dude is literally hooking up with 16 girls, and it's like the craziest part is like the girls will come back and they'll all be talking and they'll be like, hope we find our Prince Charming here, when they're all after the same fucking guy. Like, that's so crazy.

It's crazy to me. It's crazy to me that they even form like friendships or bonds within themselves when they're all going for the same man and wanting to get the same thing. I'm just like, how are you friends with that person? Like, I'd be like, fuck no, get out of my face.

And then let's say I ended up winning the show.

You'd be that person on the show.

I would love to see the kind of person I would be on a show.

You just told us. You just told us what kind of person you'd be. I'm here for David and no one else.

No, listen, and then let's say I won the show, right? Out of all the guys, the girl chooses me.

Yeah, we—

and then we're living happily ever after. 2 months in— fuck it, 2 weeks into our marriage, I'm gonna be like, yo, what the fuck were you doing taking so long? What were you doing? Why didn't you just— you were fucking— you're making out with Lindsay? You took her to the boat and not me? Like, I'd be— I'd be fucking livid. Oh yeah, and I'd be watching these episodes back, it'd be like, what the fuck?

Well, that's why the majority of those relationships don't actually work out. There's like only 3 in the history of The Bachelor franchise that people are actually in successful relationships.

Sure. Follow-up question, um, could I be The Bachelor? Is that— is there any way I can do that? Um, if that's what you're trying to do, I would love to be on that show. I think it'd be so fun.

Obviously it's fun. It's everyone's dream, right? Maybe not everyone's dream.

No, so full of it.

I'm not even saying like, oh, I'd love to hook up with 35 women. I'm just saying I think it's just— it's like the most fun idea of like, I love people finding relationships. Like, I love that idea, and I think it's just so funny. And there's so many—

Jen looking for her phone now. She's getting a call. Is something happening? Did someone steal the trailer? Is the alarm going off on the trailer?

Do you have like internet connection, or is it only when you pull up to like library or like a public Wi-Fi spot that you have Wi-Fi?

Um, nope, I have, um, cellular data.

That's so interesting. Okay, how about this? We actually haven't even figured this out. Why did you choose to move into a trailer?

Um, okay, so we keep calling it a trailer. It's an RV, which it's actually Class A because I'm a classy gal.

I can, I can tell you, she— you wanted to travel the country is really why you're taking places.

Yep. Yeah. Um, I graduated in 2013 from college.

Okay.

With my degree in environmental studies. Very proud of that moment. Okay. And I realized that I had never been to a national park, so my goal was to go to all of them, go to as many national parks as I could.

That is really fun.

Wow.

Taylor just walked in with pizza. Natalie's radar shot up and she goes, did you hear her on the mic? She goes, wait, what is that? Like a dog, like someone just, someone just brought like a bomb-sniffing dog, like someone just walked in with like a low-key explosive. She's like, what's going on? There's something in here.

Okay, I have a problem. I admit it. Is this my intervention? Like, I feel like you guys are telling me I have an issue.

Your intervention would be catered if it was up to you.

Good one.

Hey, did you hear about this Houston Astros controversy?

No, what's happening? Okay, so they're cheating, right?

Yeah, in 2017 they won the World Series.

Oh shit.

And now some guy who was like a player on the team, he's not on the team anymore, he's being interviewed he starts talking about the World Series. He goes, well, you know, we stole signs. We, you know, basically cheated. Yeah, we cheated.

Oh wow.

And, uh, and they had this really elaborate sign stealing thing. And now, um, and now that manager of the Astros is now the manager of the Red Sox, and he's gonna get fired. You know what I mean by stealing signs, right? Yeah, like they know, like a catcher will give you like a 1, and 2 is fastball. Yeah, 3 is curve or whatever.

Yeah.

So the, the players would have a thing on their chest that would buzz. So the guy would steal the sign and they'd be like, okay, it's a fastball. And then they'd be like, so they'd know a fastball is coming.

Yeah, they'd buzz them in like it was like Morse code or something.

Right.

It's crazy.

Is this confirmed or is it still a rumor? You're just going to— yeah, it's confirmed.

No, I think, I think it's pretty confirmed.

It just goes, yeah, I'm going to go with confirmed on this one, Dave.

Interesting story.

I said news stories. Why does—

I mean, why does it matter?

It's cheating, I guess.

I, I know, but you know what, I know what you mean. Like, why does that matter, right?

Because, uh, because you should be able to do whatever you can to—

like, yeah, why is that cheating?

What are you talking about?

Well, tell me.

You're stealing a sign.

So what?

That's like—

if I can figure out what you're gonna do, you're using fucking electronics.

That's what I'm saying.

Oh, right, the electronics part.

You're right. Yeah, what are you talking about?

But, but if I could—

so the person that was—

oh yeah, the electronics, that's the big— you're right, that's the worst part of it.

If the person that was stealing a sign was from their team and they just translated, like they understood what the other team was doing, or is it somebody from that actual team was telling this team?

No, it's like, it's like David's up at bat and I'm pitching, right?

Yeah, they translated the signs and then they fed it to the guy.

No, no, Jen's the catcher, I'm the pitcher, right?

You guys are on the same team.

We're on the same team. Speaking of signs, I think it's a sign that you're here tonight.

Put your— take your hand off. Why do we care so much about what other people do? So you guys are the older people, right? And Natalie and I are the younger people. So I want to, I want to, I want to ask you some questions and I want to see how we each view everything.

Okay.

Okay. Why do we care so much about what other people do? Natalie and I are in two different generations than you guys are, right?

Sure.

Correct.

What is the difference between our generation, your generation?

There's no difference. All the same. Everybody's the same. You're just in your 20s. Okay, we're in our 40s, and I really do believe that. I don't think—

and when people go like, okay, so this is one difference, is your generation is super pessimistic.

No, I'm not pessimistic. I'm telling you, it's the truth.

It's bullshit when an older generation goes, this generation, oh my god, I can't believe it.

It's not at all. It's just that that's the way people are when they're young. They're out there hungry. They're trying to do things in a different way.

It was a completely young generation.

Yeah, but, but now we have different— like, we have different tools to fuel a generation. Like, we have technology.

Sure, it's more pronounced now because of like technology.

Okay, how about this? Let me form the question better for you boomers. How is— how is— what is the difference between where you guys are at now and where we are at currently?

I mean, I'm ready to die, and you guys are doing great.

You have your whole life in front of you and I think though that Jason and I are not your atypical, um, boomer.

You guys are like the cool dads, um, cool mom and dad.

We're pretty cool.

You guys are like on the cooler side for sure.

I think we're pretty typical. I think everybody our age is trying to cling to either youth.

I'm just riding that wave.

Do a podcast with a 14-year-old.

I'm 20.

Okay, you might have a point.

You might be clinging a little harder than me, but no, I mean, I think it's a good question, David.

I mean, what have you guys learned that we haven't learned yet?

I think the two of you specifically have not learned the value of—

feels like my dad talking to me—

family and time and quality time. I think the two of you, the value of family time.

I disagree.

I disagree too.

Well, I disagree for Natalie because she definitely—

because she's superior to David in every single way possible.

No, because our new intern I've instilled it in her.

No, you haven't, Jen. Let me tell you something, you failed in a major fucking way. She is the most— she is so cold. Anytime I bring up Wyatt and Charlie and I need to go in the night, is that your— the brownie's going off?

That's actually my gratitude alarm.

Okay, so— oh my God, let's talk about gratitude. So Jen's alarm just went off. It And how often does this alarm go off?

She has one. She has one at 9:00 AM, 9:20, another one at 9:20, another one at 9:40, 9:50, 10:30.

They're called— yeah, it's called— it's called the gratitude alarm. Well, you have a bunch of alarms. Can I read your alarms?

Sure.

At 9:00 AM, she's a rise and shine. At 9:20, she is a garbage. Then 9:20, she's recycle. 9:40, she has AM tonic, shake and bake. 9:50, water the plants. 10:30. Toto. What does Toto mean? To-do.

Go through her to-do list.

12 PM, stretch. 12 PM again, teeth and face. You have all these alarms just constantly ringing every single fucking day. Are you fucking serious?

Are you kidding?

Every day.

And then at 2 PM she has one that says box dance. What is that?

Shadow box or dance?

You know, shadow box.

Because usually I'm sitting at a computer working or whatever and it just, it's just like to get up.

Jay, this one's good. At 4:44 PM she has one that says make a wish. So every day you make a wish?

That's the time I was born, 4:44. So every day I make a wish and I express my gratitude, having another— being blessed.

You and Jason are completely different humans.

Oh my God, I would strangle you if we were dating. If that alarm was going off every hour, I'd be like, shut the fucking alarm off, Jen!

Just Jason at 4:40 PM. Oh, you know what I wish? You know what I wish? I wish you'd drive this trailer straight off the Grand fucking Canyon. That's what I wish.

I wish you'd go on fucking Vibrate, Jen.

How many times does your phone like ding and bing?

Never. I don't have it on dings. I have it on silence.

You have it on silent.

Okay, and then at 9 PM she has gratitude, which is right now it's 9 PM. What are you thankful for?

I am thankful that I got out of the Chicago cold weather, because we got had a cold front coming through. And then I'm here in LA with my daughter spending that quality family time.

Um, I heard, I heard some stories where you would, where you would spy on Natalie when she was out with boys, where you would— is this true, Natalie?

Yeah, very true.

That was once in junior high.

Okay, what happened?

My mother, just to preface, was a very— she disciplined me hardcore. She was very strict about different rules and like my privileges and things like that, and I had to earn— like, I really had to earn everything that I, that I wanted to do or whatever.

It was strict. But explain yourself, mother. Go for it, please. Okay, so this is what I was talking about last night.

Oh my fucking God, another gratitude!

How fucking thankful are you?

Because you guys took my phone and hit the wrong button.

Oh, we hit it, we hit it.

So now we gotta say what we're grateful for.

Um, okay, back to you stalking your daughter.

So somebody had a party in high school. So it was wintertime, and, um, you know, everybody has basements and the kids all hung out in the basements, whatever. And I knew something was up with this party because— oh, I dropped her off and there was this weird car with like all these like lights and stuff, look kind of like a typical like stoner car.

Yeah, they had weird like green lights and fogged windows.

You were suspicious that they were— that they were doing like drinking?

And yeah, and this is probably like junior year.

My mom stopped— she dropped me off, and she didn't actually drop me off. She stuck around and she was staking out the party. And sure enough, this guy gets out of the car with a handle of alcohol and sneaks around to the back of my friend's house and goes through the little window that goes into the basement. And we're all— all the kids were down there, and we were just, you know, exchanging the money for the handles of alcohol. And like, we were drinking in her basement, and she was having a big party.

Oh wow.

Yeah. And so, and then literally 20 minutes after I got dropped off, air quotes, my friend's mom gets a phone call.

You fucking snitch.

No, before that, so I didn't— I just saw the guy, didn't follow him to the back or whatever, but then he left. And then I, you know, went around in the snow to the back of the house, and I saw the alcohol out the window, and I was like creeping up to the window, and I was gonna actually take the bottles, take them with me, and be like, haha. I was about to like go, somebody opened the window and like reached out to grab it, and I was like, oh, like, you know, like, like trying to like tiptoe away.

Like, what were you gaining out of that situation?

Okay, so you missed the alcohol, bust the party, and then you called—

she says walk in there and bust it.

Yeah.

You want to know the reason why?

Because she couldn't find the door.

No, the reason why I didn't bust it was because I would have— it would have been Natalie's mom, and everybody would have hated Natalie. I didn't want to— that's good—

didn't want to, um Well, no worries, everyone found out it was Natalie's mom anyway.

Why?

Because who else's mother would do that shit? Nobody's mom.

Because the mother— I just ended up calling the mother just saying, look, I know you're having a party and I just want you to know that I know for a fact there's alcohol down there. Oh man, it's your issue to deal with. And she's like—

so she knew this was the party house, we went there every single weekend.

She knew, but she played it off like, oh, I'll take care of it right away, and I didn't know. And at the anyhow, the only way anybody would have known that it was me would have been if that mom had told her daughter who did it, which is like breaking parent.

And then kids found out, Natalie, that was your mom.

Yeah, but my mom was like up to that shit every weekend, so they were just like, oh yeah, there's Natalie's mom, here she goes again.

Oh boy. What did you think when Natalie asked me to the dance? Did you think she was making a mistake or was it a great idea? This was, I think, junior year.

Okay.

I don't fucking know.

It's freshman year.

I have the worst memory.

Like, when you go to make a decision, you always run it by Natalie.

Yeah.

So when Natalie goes to make a decision, she always runs it by me.

Oh, okay.

We had a conversation about her asking you, and, and, uh, we did.

I don't remember that.

Oh my God, I never knew this.

So, um, well, she— it was turnabout. It was the first turnabout, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was the first dance where the girl asked the boy.

Yeah, that's the boy.

And I didn't want to be the only girl that didn't go to the dance.

She didn't want to go to the dance.

Sorry, I mean, I love David so much.

Well, no, she wanted to go to the dance, but she she was— she wasn't like low-hanging fruit. She didn't have a boyfriend. She wasn't, you know, boy crazy, you know, whatever. And, um, this other guy— I was like, what about David? Like, you guys are really good friends.

And oh, so you brought up the idea?

I might have.

Okay. And then how did she react?

She was nervous, you know, asking a boy. And then we had— then we were coming up with how to ask you because we had to do it in some, you know, goofy way.

Wow.

And, uh, and somewhere we have a video of Actually, I want to find out where the fuck is it. It's in the storage unit. Remember, I live in a trailer.

She left you to go dance with everybody else.

Only dance I've ever been to was the dance with Natalie. It was the worst. Oh my god, I can't tell you.

Why didn't— why didn't you ask someone to prom?

I don't care. I hated it. Even going back, everyone was always like, oh, you're gonna—

you're gonna love school. I don't believe this.

I know, I know it doesn't match up, but I just don't like that. Like, I don't like dressing up. I never liked it. The reason I hated dances, like the ultimate reason I hated dances was because all the parents would come together and take pictures of the kids before they would go out to the dance. And that part fucking terrified me, of me being dressed up and my dad being a photographer, knowing that my dad would be at all the shoots, like, photographing all these kids. Oh, that's why it fucking, like, terrified me. So I was like, I'm not going to any dance. And everyone was always like, you're gonna be really bummed out you're missing prom. Like, this is, like, a life-changing thing. I was like, no, no, no. I've never— I've never opted out of something in high school that I've regretted. Biggest things that I, I heard growing up is 'You're gonna regret this. You're gonna regret this. You're gonna regret this.' There's not a single thing that I didn't do or did do in high school that I regret. I have zero regrets.

Sure, I believe that. I believe you. But, but this was— you didn't like the way you looked?

No, I didn't. All dressed up like just now? Like, I don't like dressing up now. I just, I, I just get so uncomfortable.

Great. You go to, you go to fancy things all the time. You get dressed up.

I know, but I don't like dressing up. Natalie, Natalie knows what.

So it's because your dad was a photographer too?

No, I just didn't like— I just didn't like dances. I just— there was like so much pressure on it that I was just like, I was just like, I'd rather not have to do that. So I just didn't do it. Like, I was like, I was scared of everything. Like, I was scared of like the interaction, like the dancing with a girl. I was like, oh my God, that's like every step of the way of a dance for me was like just like, like just I was just completely anxious. I was like, why do it if I don't want to do it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Regardless, I went to dance with Natalie and it was the best day of my life. Oh, just kidding.

David loves to wrap up podcast stories with Regardless. Regardless.

Regardless. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you to Natalie's mom. Thank you to Natalie's mom's daughter. And thank you to Natalie's mom's future husband, Jason Nash. Thank you guys for all being here. It has been a great podcast. We'll see you guys soon. My name is Jeff.

Bye.