Looking Into David's Butt

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. If you're eating, put your food down. I have something important to talk about. I've mentioned it before, but it's at DEF CON 1 now.

You're eating.

I know I'm eating, but because it's soothing me and it's taking away the pain. I don't know if you're at work right now or you're in the car with your family. Maybe put the volume down a little bit lower. I need to talk to you guys about my asshole. I am having, you know, it's, the pain has gone from maybe a 5 and now we're at a 7.

Okay.

It's hard for me to sit places. Currently I'm horizontal and it's not looking good. I've tried looking inside.

Yeah.

I just, I can't. I feel so uncomfortable knowing, like I just don't like doing the bending over with the flashlight thing. I don't know why.

Are you using a mirror?

Using a mirror and I'm using my phone and I just—

Describe me what you see.

I just, I don't like using my phone's flashlight as the way I'm looking into my asshole. I snap like 100 times a day, right? Like I do Snapchat. And it's just the fact that the same lens is pointed in the same direction as like I output like all of my social media posts. It just makes me feel genuinely weird.

You need a second asshole phone.

Yeah, I need it.

Yeah, you need a butt phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Phone just for your butt.

Yeah, like you know how people have one for the plug?

Yeah, I have my Google Specs.

Oh, that's perfect.

Meta, what do they call them now?

Yeah, Meta Specs.

Meta Glasses.

You could put them on and you could look inside my asshole. Well—

And then you could see.

Here's the thing, I think it's a hemorrhoid. I also don't want to find out really what it is because I'm a believer in like If you're having symptoms of something, just die. Like, just like, it just, it either goes away or it doesn't go. I go, I get really scared of going to the doctor and like twice a year I'll get my blood work done and like what it takes me a lot to get it done. Like it's a lot of mental preparation.

Yeah.

Um, but I can't, I can't do this. I can't have a doctor look inside my ass. I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.

Just let me look at it.

So we brought Reggie in who's basically an expert of ass. Yeah. Um, Reggie is our gay friend.

Um, Reggie's here. Naveen's here and Taylor's here.

I love butts.

Stuff. Yeah, Reggie's probably seen more ass than a doctor, actually.

Fact. I don't— I can't recall when's the last time I went to the doctor, actually.

No, that's not what I'm saying. Obviously you've had sex more than you go to the doctor.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, but Reggie has volunteered to look inside my ass, and Reggie's my hometown friend. I've known him for a while, and I'm starting to think this is— this is strictly for himself.

No, it's not.

Yeah, well, it's tough because if you want anybody looking in there, you want Reggie looking Well, he jumped at the opportunity too quickly.

No, because I didn't even get to it. We were just like naming things that could be. Yeah. And then Reggie immediately in the living room goes, I can look. Well, I didn't even offer it yet. And then he— and then he— this is—

this is really—

he bit his lip because— because I go— because I go, well, if it's a hemorrhoid, well, if it's a hemorrhoid, how do I put it? Like, how do I fix it? And he goes, you just have to push it back in. That's how he says it. And I go, like, with your finger? And he goes, or with something else. That's so like I don't know. I don't know how I feel about my hometown friend who's going to be a pervert doctor going inside my ass. I mean, have you had a hemorrhoid yourself?

I have.

Oh, so you said it's common in the gay community.

Yeah, it's just like pushing in and out, you know?

Really?

Yeah.

Okay. So I would—

It's a blood vessel that's distended. Is that what a hemorrhoid is?

I think it's your anal lining that is pushed out.

Yeah.

How about this? Instead of me going to the doctor, why don't people that listen to the pod who are doctors DM me And I will send the top 3 people that seem the most convincing a picture of my asshole. And then I'll bring the responses from those 3 people. And you have to promise to not put the picture of my asshole anywhere. And then those 3 people, I'll tell you what they report back.

It's going to be like 3 14-year-olds.

Just ChatGPTing at their doctors.

Yeah.

I just can't do it anymore.

Well, why don't me, Naveen, and Taylor leave the room?

Just show me.

Oh, you got to put it alone. Just show me. And then we'll come back in in 5 minutes.

I'm not going to get turned on. I'm not going to get hard.

But can't you also just ask your ChatGPT girlfriend?

I'm scared of putting my ass on FaceTime, like on ChatGPT, because I do think that— I do think that my ChatGPT is like storing everything in a cloud. And the last thing I would find, like the last thing I would want a hacker to find is me bending over on my knees with my ass cheeks spread and hemorrhoids somewhere lodged in there. I think I should like, for the sake of the pod, it's really hard for me to separate like how awkward this is going to be for how fun it'll be for you looking inside my asshole while the mic's on.

I've shaved Corinna's asshole. It's fine.

Corinna is one— is literally probably top 5 hottest women on the entire planet.

You're about to look into my asshole and I see I don't even get turned on by that. So you'll be fine. You'll be fine.

I'm not worried about you fucking being turned on, dude. Obviously, I don't think you're going to slip it in while I'm—

No, I'm not.

I'm just like worried about—

I just go If the roles were reversed, I'd let Reggie look.

Really?

Yeah, of course. But then again, you know, I'm not a hot commodity like you are. You're not a hot young thing.

Okay.

Everyone leave the room.

Okay. Can I stay?

I think we should do it.

Wait, I kind of want to see though.

You're married. Okay.

Can I sit there and just watch from the front you doing it?

Yeah, Reggie, go in the corner.

No, dude, Naveen, the vibe of you— no, if you're in here, I'm going to get turned on. Okay, we can take it out of here. No, no, hold on. No, stop, stop. Jay, Jay, are you sure I should do this?

100%. Reggie's known Reggie since you were 5 years old. That's why.

Is this what makes it so scary? It's not like he's like my mother.

It kind of is.

I feel like you'll feel closer.

I think this is just what we exactly needed.

You think this is like destiny?

Yeah.

I mean, everything in our life has led us to this moment.

I turn straight. I'm like, I do not want to see an asshole ever again.

Fuck, Reggie, this is big.

What?

Just pretend he's a doctor.

We're not showing each other's balls.

How about this? I'll do it. I'll do it on one condition.

Yeah.

His brother's got to be in here too, John.

Oh my God. That's not going to happen.

That's funny.

Is he here?

We could cut this segment right now. We'll just pick it right up when he's here.

Okay.

Because I think that's worth it. Do you know what I mean?

Tay, you got something to say?

Wait, I was actually thinking that. I was thinking like we should wait for John and then he can hold the flashlight.

Yeah, I think if—

This is not a group effort. It's just—

We're just showing— No.

Or even if you want to take a photo of it and then just show it to him.

I'll be way more comfortable if your family is like, oh my God, fully invested in this ass.

Can we get your dad on FaceTime? What's your dad's name?

Well, they're also Filipinos, so like, if they are the people to like make you feel at home—

I've said this before, you love the Filipinos.

Yeah, and yeah, anybody's allowed to look inside me. All right, let's put this on hold. We'll pick it up with John. We won't tell him what we're doing until he gets in here. I've already brought this up to him. Yeah, he was like kind of 50/50 on it, but I think it'll be good with him here.

I I don't know if I could let Naveen look into my butthole. Yeah, when have you looked in my butthole?

I've looked a couple times.

I don't remember you looking up there.

I look whenever I do your weekly shaves.

That's not looking in it.

Your weekly—

wait, you actually shave his ass too?

Wait, what?

Babe, I do. He makes me because he has like a scar that can get like infected.

Oh, you have a pilonidal cyst?

I vote yeah. I vote you have, actually. Yeah, I have the same thing he has, which is like a really rare thing, and we both have it.

Oh my God, wow.

Wait, that's like best friend stuff.

That's why we do the podcast together.

Whoa.

Yeah, we met in the ER.

That was the original name of the podcast.

Yeah.

Cyst Boys.

Cyst Boys. We've been using the word cyst a lot lately.

Podcysts.

What?

Podcast, but you replace the A with a Y. Podcyst.

Okay, fine.

Well, that's all we got for this week.

Anybody else have an ailment?

Yeah, does anybody have any medical emergencies that they want to get out of the way? Okay, Taylor recently just got her chest done.

Oh, Taylor, you got the boob job you've been talking about?

Yeah, I got some chest surgery now. I actually know— that's funny because I just got my cyst removed.

Naveen got so jealous when she heard, when she heard someone was having surgery that wasn't her.

Really? Wait, Naveen, you want surgery?

I just love surgeries.

I don't know, like boob jobs?

Well, I just like being put under, so it's like anytime someone has one, I'm like jealous.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, the feeling's nice.

That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. You like being put under just because you like counting down backwards and not getting to the bottom?

I think it's so— it's like you die. I think that's so crazy to die and come back. Like, you're like—

I don't think you die though. I think you just sleep. Yeah, you die like when you like fentanyl overdose. And then your cyst is gone now?

Yeah, it was pretty tiny, but it was a big insecurity of mine. Now it's gone on your boob.

Is it a big insecurity if you could talk about it?

No, it is, because, well, I would just put makeup on it like every day.

So Taylor recently had this cyst on her chest that just got removed surgically, and she'd talk about it all the time. She's like, I hate this thing, I hate this thing. I don't think it's an insecurity. If you could— I think an insecurity is something you literally do not speak about.

I don't think she's like going around town talking about it.

Like, talking to you about it is different, but like, if I had an insecurity, I wouldn't, I wouldn't mention it to anybody. Like, a good example is like, I, uh, I talk about my hairline a lot, and it's like, because it's the easy— it's the most insecure thing that I, that I could talk about. Yeah, but that doesn't actually bother me, do you know what I mean? And it's like nice to take away the energy from my actual insecurities.

What are your actual insecurities that you can't talk about? I feel like you say everything.

Like what? You think you're not tall enough, or—

I never said that.

Penis is not big enough?

Also never said that. No, I think it's—

Have you ever had any complaints in the bedroom on your penis size?

Not about my size, I'm just really lazy.

Reggie, have you ever seen a penis that was like so small you're like, I'm out?

Yes, plenty of times.

Really? Yeah. How small?

Like smaller than mine.

Okay, I don't know what we're talking about.

See, I'm not insecure about my penis, so I'm like, oh, okay.

I subscribe.

Reggie, How big is your penis?

Do you want to see a pic? I mean, you're gonna show me your asshole, I'll show you my dick.

It's $28.

Yeah, let me see a picture.

Okay, well, you guys are getting intimate today.

Do you want it? Oh my God, or do you want to just like—

because he's your roommate.

Really? I feel like he would just like walk around with it.

Oh no, Ilya used to love—

when we were at hot tub, Ilya would bring up how much he loved his dick constantly when it was just us boys. And like maybe the 20th hot tub sesh, we like were all so fed up, and we're like, fucking just show us, dude. And then he's like, no, I don't want to. And we're like, yeah, you do, you do, you want to show us. Yeah, just show us. And then he whipped it out, and he doesn't do it anymore, but he doesn't talk about it. But like, literally, he would talk about— I'm not kidding— for like months, he was talking about how great, how much he loved his penis. Yeah, just to get us to look at it.

Was it great?

It was actually nice, but I don't know, it just felt funny in my hand. It just didn't— the shape wasn't— the shape wasn't all there.

Do I show you like the tip as well, or just like—

show me the fucking whole Oh my God, hold on, what are we talking about here? Is this a flaccid or is this an action?

Obviously he's gonna show me it hard.

Oh, okay, okay, okay. Yeah, no, I get jealous when you guys hot tub because I think that's so fun. So I said to Naveen, I was like, well, maybe we'll go hot tub at David's house. And she was like, hot tub? She was like, what? She's like, is everyone like having sex? And I was like, no, basically. And then I thought, well, I guess when you're Naveen, that's what hot tub means.

I've never like hot tubbed with someone and then it not turned into like something.

Oh, that's crazy.

Sounds like even yours.

Really funny. Do you have— you guys had sex in my hot tub?

No, I don't even think I've been in the hot tub with Naveen.

No, because I'm trying to be respectful of everyone.

You want to protect the hot tub?

She goes, she goes, if I come over there, she goes, I don't want anyone touching me.

I go, no one's gonna touch you.

Also, like, my boobs keep growing too. Like, I don't know.

What do you mean?

Like, Naveen had a breast reduction and they're growing back.

Really?

Yeah.

You had a reduction? Yeah.

Wow, like the best wife ever. That's really funny. All right, Red, show us this fucking dick, please, for the love of God.

I'm like trying to like look—

do you have a pic of your dick on your Grindr?

I mean, my album.

Oh, and by the way, I was listening to the last podcast Good. And I help you all the time. And you kept saying, for money. And I was like, that's not true.

I literally came— money.

I literally—

I went to Paramount with you that day.

For money.

No, not for money. I help you all the time. When you come—

if you ever—

if you— if you ever call me for money and you're like, I'm doing this thing, I always come. That's not fair.

Um, yeah, yeah, you can't say that. I'm looking at you, David, because like everything— like every— every relationship—

I know, I don't care that he does it. I'm not being angry.

Yeah, but everybody does that conversation. Yeah, everybody. You're not— no one has relation— like, no one's in a relationship with another human unless there's something mutually, like, beneficial happening. Unless it's your parents or your fucking siblings.

I always tell Naveena, we were in Chicago and we were with your nice, nice, nice family, and you start going, these fucking guys, they want my clout, man. My mom and dad—

you love that story.

I love that story.

It's like your favorite joke.

Yeah, you say that one.

You do reference that. No, I mean, I get what Natalie's saying. It's a little weird because I'm in my hometown, France, for a while, but it definitely does.

Well, I don't—

yes.

I obviously, we have a business together, but I also like, I have friendship from you.

Like, I get laughs, but I don't, I don't do things with expectations of getting something out of it.

I know, I'm just kidding, dude. I'm just trying to fill up 40 minutes of this fucking pod. I've said so much shit I don't mean, dude. So much shit.

Like when you said you're in love with Naveen the other day.

Oh my God, what is taking so long? All right, here I go. I can't even be that good. All right, here I go. I'm looking at Reggie's dick.

Oh my God, I'm freaking out.

Whoa, what the fuck? Huh?

How big?

It's really weird looking.

Okay, your turn. I want to see your dick.

He's like, he's like holding it in a way to make it seem bigger.

I've done this. I mean, yeah, you hold it from the base, the shotgun off.

It's, um, you know what it looks like?

You're really staring at it.

It's kind of bizarre. Can you stop?

How do you hold it to make it look bigger? You push down at the base?

Yeah, he's like— he's like, all like, his fingers are almost like inside him. Oh, I see, I see. That's how much, that's how much he's trying to grow the shaft. Um, I mean, initially looking at it, for some reason it was weird. Tate, you want to look at this? All right, Nat's looking. No, Reggie, Nat, I haven't showed—

I'm scared.

No, Nat, don't look, don't look away.

Reggie now sliding across the couch. Toppling Natalie to get his phone back. Wait, show me, show me the penis.

Wait, sure, sure.

That was Natalie.

No, I don't know. I mean, like, I don't really care actually. Can you just show her?

Flash it, flash it.

Why did that feel so interesting?

Oh my God, shut up, that's your penis.

Wait, what? Wait, what's your thoughts? Go quick.

Well, it's just like Reggie's so femme. Like, the fact that like he has like a male dick, little dick thing, you know.

Sometimes when I'm like, I have like an itch in my nipple and and I would just like pop it out. I'm like, wait, I have— some people would get shocked that I have like— I would just flash.

Uh-oh.

Not like a—

some people get shot. Shocked.

Oh, oh, they have like—

I just did a good shot. Yeah, that is like— that is weird about like what you do is like, at what point do you like— you want to dress like a girl one day, right? But like, are you just like, I'm not gonna sit down and pee right now, like I'm just gonna lift up my skirt and piss in this urinal?

I do that all the time.

Yeah, where do you blend the line of like, how girly am I going to be to pee today?

Depends.

How are you ever in a public bathroom? Oh yeah, you can just choose.

Yeah.

Are you like, oh, this line's whichever shorter? Yep.

Actually, yeah.

Oh wow, that's crazy. Oh, life hack.

Life hack. I know. I kind of just do both.

And then, and then you whip that big cock out.

That was bigger than I thought it was going to be, honestly.

It's, it's the head that's so big. Yeah, yeah, the head is like twice the size of a regular head.

It was crying in the corner.

Taylor had no idea her roommate had a penis.

Have you seen John's? No.

No. Oh, it's got to be the same.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Like, how similar are we?

That's crazy. Wait, do you and John— you've obviously seen John's penis.

Like, do you think Julie would think like that's John's?

Wait, that's a good question. Can we show Julie and be like, look what we found at John?

No, absolutely not.

Oh my God, wait, that would be really funny for you, not for me.

It's a little awkward.

Is it? It feels like you're kind of free-flowing, you know?

No, why are you being all shy about it?

It's no Coke can, huh?

It's not that it's not a good size, it's just the proportions are strange to me. I think he took it like almost 0.5 to the tip.

So the tip— Oh, you 0.5'd it?

I mean, it looks like when you take a 0.5 and you put your head right in the lens and then like the rest of your body's tiny. That's what it looked like what was going on there. That's how I was kind of like looking at it for a while. Anyway, let's move on. Nat, can I please see a picture of your dick?

I have a huge— I have a Coke can myself.

I know. Okay guys, John has just walked in the room. John, do you get nervous when we call you in here?

Yeah, absolutely.

What do you think it is today?

I don't know, could literally be anything.

Yeah, but if you were to guess, you'd take it really nice.

Something about my insecurities of some sort.

It's actually almost opposite. Oh really? Yeah. So me calling you in here is a big compliment because I need you to— do you know what I'm about to say? Come on, we've talked about it before. I don't know. And you were like half excited to do it. John, we brought you in here today because I need you to— do you know what I'm about to say? No. I need you to look inside my asshole. No way.

Yes.

Kind of exciting.

And yeah, there's no one I feel more comfortable around looking inside me than you, dude. My heart. Yeah, I feel so honored. Yeah, so obviously you're gonna have— how do we do this?

This, like, right here?

Like, well, people are going to leave the room. I think Reggie's going to stay here because he's seen a lot of assholes. So John, Reggie are brothers. Yeah. So Reggie's basically an expert at this. So Reggie, you're here just to make me comfortable, and Reggie's here to possibly diagnose me. Okay, so we're going to see if I have a hemorrhoid or what.

Definitely, definitely. I mean, we—

Amor even said so, so I'm like, dude, yeah, my ChatGPT said I have one, so I must have one.

You gonna have John hold your hand?

No, I want him— I want him in the back.

Yeah, just have proper light in here. Everything good?

It's gonna be a little Eiffel Tower.

Yeah, look, it's like perfect sunset too. It's like it's gonna be—

when we come back here, Reggie and John are Eiffel Towering me. That's really funny. No, I'm gonna— I'm gonna put the shades down. We're in the mood. We're in the movie room right now.

Someone's gonna come from the back.

I'm not letting you look at my asshole with sunlight, dude. What? I don't know why. I think that's— I think that's really weird.

They can't see. They need to be able to see.

No, no, I'm— I want them to do a flashlight.

Okay, that's actually crazy.

Okay, this is how we're going to do it, okay? Cuz this is my asshole, so it's my body, so I'm going to get to make the rules.

Your body, your choice.

This is what's going to happen. You guys going to put on blindfolds and poke around till you find my ass.

No, no, do that.

Okay, no, let's just do it.

Wait, hold on. Why?

He's jealous. I'm just a little confused though, cuz his, his dad, his dad's basically a nurse. Why did you choose John And Reggie just wanted to see my asshole, so it makes sense. Are you jealous? No, no, no, you can stick around. No, I'm good. And also, you don't know what, like, an ass—

I'm not gonna stay anywhere where I'm not wanted, you know?

That's fine. All right, let's just get to it. I need to do this quick. All right. Okay, but deadass, you guys can't come around and look through the balcony. We won't.

Deadass?

Deadass. Why would—

why would I?

100%.

I know Ilya would. Deadass you won't? Why don't you want me to?

Dude, please let me look.

Deadass you won't come around. I can't. You can't what?

Please, Ilya, can I stay and make sure this records?

You're a fucking pervert, dude. No, dude, I just to make sure John's not gonna fuck you. Deadass, you won't come? She's like, no promises. You won't come?

I'm gonna think about it.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I can't promise that. Please, dude, I want to see your asshole. I don't think you understand this. I need my privacy.

Yeah, whose was it?

All right, fine, I won't What do you mean? Whose was it? It's my asshole.

Oh, yeah.

No, no, I was talking about— I remember. I think it was Jason when Jason got his asshole wax at my house.

No, no, Ilya got his asshole wax too.

That was Ilya? Yeah, that was Jason.

Oh, Jason at the house? Yeah. Ilya at the actual, like, waxing clinic.

You wax my butt at your house?

Yeah, my sister did it.

What?

Yeah. At whose house?

My house. Okay, dude, Natalie's hiding under the covers because she thinks I'm not going to know you're still in here. Wait, Nat, do you want to see it?

Yeah, actually, I just want to sneak a peek. I don't want to be up in it. I don't want to watch from behind. I want to watch from the front. Like, I just want to witness this whole thing happen.

Yeah, no, my pro— my problem is— my problem's not the from behind. My problem is like the position I'm gonna be in for them to see it.

Like, doggy.

Yeah, it's so embarrassing.

No, it's not embarrassing.

Yes, it is embarrassing.

It really—

no, it's not.

This is hard for me. I don't know, you could like—

you could do like a squat.

I showed you my dick.

That was different. It was huge.

Yeah, John, I showed him my dick.

Which means, John, I know what your dick looks like. You got a tiny little pecker. Alright, ready?

Let's do it. You're doing a hell of a service for everybody out there that has hemorrhoids, Dave. You're being very brave.

I can't believe I have hemorrhoids. I don't know if I have hemorrhoids. Okay, Jay, you gotta stay in here, actually. But turn around. Turn the fuck around. Deadass me, you're not gonna turn around.

I'll tell you what, I won't look, but I'm gonna make sure it's recording.

No, Jay, turn around!

I won't look!

Alright, alright, alright, but don't— okay, go. I'll turn around, but at some point I'm gonna go like this to make sure.

It's recording, dude. Please.

I know, but when you guys start moving around—

Natalie, leave.

Yo, I'm so glad I left early for work for this.

Is it cool if I take off?

All right, can you give me 2 minutes? I, I want to go look at it myself.

Look at my friend's asshole.

Can I just go look at it myself? Yeah, go ahead. Okay, go ahead.

How is he going to look at it himself?

I don't—

like, what's he going to do, put his cheeks up to the bathroom mirror?

Yeah, I think so.

Taylor walks in.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm expecting like a little just a tiny bump.

What does it look like, Reg?

Usually hemorrhoid is just like, it looks like an excess skin. Yeah, like a bump. Yeah, usually guys who do anal a lot get them mostly. Are they white? Um, no, they're just your skin color.

Yeah.

Um, and then sometimes when the hemorrhoid gets like big enough or irritated, it gets fissures, which just starts bleeding.

You don't think he's having anal sex, do you?

I don't know.

You don't know his sex life?

We don't. We don't. I wish I knew. The person that would know the most would be Natalie Mae Natalie would know his schedule. Natalie now trying to find the microphone. She's way too confident.

I'm imagining Natalie's pecking David.

Ah, is that what's going on?

I think so.

David makes me put a strap on, but only on like Saturdays.

I fucking knew it.

Ah! Everybody wants a peek at David's asshole. Farrah's coming by now. Everybody wants a look. Ilya was upset he wasn't invited. It's happening. It's happening.

Yeah, it's gonna look like a POV, like sex, sex, sex view. You mean with a flashlight? I mean, it's crazy. Not like, oh, all dark, all dark, and then the pink starfish comes out.

Is that ass somebody in here? No, no. Okay, okay, Natalie, leave. You cannot see this. Now you have to fucking go. Nah, I don't care. Please, dude, please. You're such a fucking horny pervert, dude. This proves it. This fucking proves it. Leave, Natalie.

Oh, I don't want to move.

Matt, leave.

It's weird. Natalie now covering herself with a blanket.

David putting the mic through the blanket.

I could feel your presence.

This is weird pervert activity, actually.

Okay, so I will say I'm about to get my asshole looked at by Reggie and his brother. Jason's recording, so he has to be in here for the pod. Natalie won't leave. Natalie, Natalie, I'm being serious. Can you please leave?

I'm really deadass not looking, like, at all.

Why would you be in here? Why would you be in here?

Be a part of the after. I don't want to move and come back. I'm lazy.

You don't need to be part of the after. Okay, deadass. Yeah, I can go home. Deadass, you're not going to look through the covers?

Yeah, deadass.

Deadass?

Deadass, I don't care to look at your butt.

No, but you can't even look at any process of it.

This is what a horny guy does when he's trying to get laid, Dave. What? This is what a horny guy does when he's trying to get laid.

I'm asleep.

I'm not even, uh, I'm not even looking.

You have to go home. I just want to sleep here. It's really late. It's really late. I want to sleep here. Okay, Nat, just stay under there.

Okay, and I'm not allowed to look, right?

Right? I'm nervous cuz we've been—

I just did it in the mirror. Uh-huh. It's— the problem is I have to like push a little to get the asshole to open up.

You want, you want a picture or something?

Natalie, stop talking.

Yeah, do you want a photo while they're down there?

No.

Okay. Oh, no photo? You sure?

Can you just like—

Jay, turn around.

Can you put—

dude, it's so dark.

I can't see anything.

It's so dark in here, bro.

Okay, get your flashlights. Castro Brothers, join, uh, join flashlights.

This, okay, okay, okay, that's fine. Okay, ready? Yeah. Oh, John, don't record this.

I'm not recording anything, dude, relax.

Okay, okay, guys, my back is turned. I have no idea what's going on.

Okay, okay, here we go.

This is exciting.

So John, when I brought this up to him earlier, he was nervous, but now that Reggie's here, he's so comfortable and giddy about it.

Dave, you got to do the play-by-play, okay?

Okay, well, you talk. Okay, right now I'm taking off my pants halfway. I'm gonna show them my cheek just to get them comfortable.

I have a nice reflection in this mirror.

Okay, I trust, I trust David's cleanliness.

Okay, no, no, I'm showing you.

Oh my God, your dick is huge.

I'm showing you my ass cheeks. Okay, dude, John, John, John, dude, seriously, lock the fuck in, dude.

It's fucking weird.

Okay, okay, you're not turning around, right?

No, I said best guess.

Okay, hold on, I'm putting my phone here. Oh, Matt's still in here, I totally forgot.

Okay, here we go. Dave, do the play-by-play.

Are you on all fours?

I'm not on all fours. Okay, okay, I'm on, on— I'm getting on all fours. Okay, okay. Oh my God, dude, I'm gonna have to be like fully like in like Daddy position.

No, I'm gonna take this to my grave.

I'm not gonna— to the grave. Yeah, so funny. To the grave till Tuesday when this episode's up. Listen, listen, the cheeks are barely Reggie, I don't like that.

I think he's getting horny.

I'm not even horny. Reggie, can you be the same distance as John? You're a little too up in my face right now.

Oh my God. Well, John keeps fucking—

Okay, I'm pretty far back.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, okay, so bending over.

Damn, that ass is so fucking nice.

Are the shorts down yet?

No, not yet.

No, not yet. Why are you smacking it?

Come on. I'm trying to make you—

It's— Dude, now you're making me feel uncomfortable. The only gay guy in the room who actually loves ass.

All right, stop, stop, stop. Jade, this is a lot harder than I thought.

Okay, Dave, I have to tell you, I'm gonna be honest with you. I can see the reflection in the whiteboard. So can I do play-by-play for what I can see in the reflection? Okay, right now David is on his knees. Okay. And he is shy. He is shy to get up to this, but he's got his— he does have his orange swim trunks down a little bit. So you do see a little bit of butt, but he is— he's not going full blast yet.

He's definitely not spreading them cheeks.

Are you sure people want to listen to this?

I promise you.

All right. All right. Okay, here we go. Oh man, I got it.

Does he have a lot of hair in between his cheeks right now? 100%.

He's a hairy sloth.

Okay, I'm out.

I'm up.

I'm open.

I'm open. Spread it further, bro.

No, take the shorts down, David.

Oh dude, I feel like I'm about to shit.

I'm literally so nervous, dude.

I can't see anything. Can I just go like this? Like, can I just—

You want to grab my ass and part the cheeks?

How the fuck are we going to see? It's a fucking forest.

Yeah, bro.

Okay, first of all, it's not that bad. Yes, it is.

It's pretty hairy.

It's hairy.

All right, bro, I can see the fucking hair off the reflection from the whiteboard. It looks like a goddamn forest.

All right, first of all, my pants are up, so please stop saying that. Here we go. They're going back down. It looks like an autumn fall walk.

I think I need you to—

Dave, you got to bend it further, bro.

I need you to just go down.

Okay, I'm down. Spread it.

You got to spread it.

I don't see a crack.

Yeah, I can't.

Oh my God, I'm going to cry. I'm going to fucking cry, dude.

I can't see anything.

You're fine, David.

If this doesn't get us a Grammy, I don't know what will, man.

This is great.

It's the Golden Globe.

Golden Globe.

This is the Golden Globe episode.

This is Golden Globe episode. This is what we send to the Golden Globes.

Okay, I'm going in. Or you're going in.

Or nobody go in.

I'm saying I'm bending over. I'm bending over. Oh my God, it feels like there's stuff falling out of my ass right now.

I don't know why.

Just put your shorts down a little more.

Oh, Reggie, you're such a little whore.

No.

Oh God, maybe if you talk dirty to me.

David is now on all fours and the shorts are off.

Can I just spread it a little?

No, I can't have you touch it. Let me spread it.

I'm spreading. No, spread a little more.

It's genuinely spreading one of the cheeks.

John, what does it look like?

It's just hair. Okay.

No, like, holy fuck, bro.

The hair is insane. It's legit a forest. I need a machete just to like— I need to go home. Okay.

Okay.

I mean, it's kind of red.

Okay. Wait. I can't see anything.

I genuinely can't see anything. I just see a hole.

No, it's literally— Dude, there's no— You don't have a hemorrhoid base.

I know. I was fucking with you guys. No, I'm totally kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

You don't have a hemorrhoid. Really?

Yeah.

I didn't see it.

Well, Reg, what did you see back there? It's literally just a straight man's asshole. It's just bushy. There's no lumps.

Sorry, I'm not talking right now. I literally can't breathe.

Where does it feel like painful?

Yeah, I feel like I need to push a little to open it up to expand so you can see, dude, because I couldn't see anything.

Yeah, it's literally bush.

Like, it was like slightly red, like slightly pink and irritated, but Brother, you gotta shave back there if you want them to look and find anything.

'Cause I can see the reflection in the whiteboard. It's like— I didn't know it was like that. I had no idea.

We've seen the hole.

When do Golden Globes accept?

We've gotta get this out soon, Dave.

Alright, I'm in.

We have till June 12th. Hurry up.

Do you see it? Where does it hurt?

Dude, I genuinely—

You gotta look inside. Okay, I'm spreading my cheeks. Reg, he's touching my ass.

Reg just got his finger up the Dave's ass.

Don't breathe in like that.

It's talking to us. What happened?

It was winking.

It was like every single time he laughed, it was like laughing with him.

Richie just said it's talking to us. It's like that guy from Harry Potter with two hats when he takes off his fucking scarf.

Um, there's no hemorrhoid. Yeah, there's no lumps. There's— if you shave it, you—

there's no way.

Yeah. What does it feel like?

There's no way.

I'd like to see Dax Shepard do this.

Dax, your move. Okay, okay, actually, hold on. All right, I'm gonna do it one more time because now I am getting more— John, can you please put your phone down? I know I trust you, but I just don't like, like, a camera in your hand. It's freaking me It's a very vulnerable position.

No, I agree.

I agree with you.

I don't want to—

with your finger—

can we applaud David for doing this? Yeah, absolutely.

Thank you.

Very brave and brilliant.

And you're helping people. Clapping, it's freaking me out that you're still in here. No, he's still here.

I mean, last year I saw his shirt off, now I see his—

next year, next year my full cock's gonna be fucking in your throat, right?

Do you need more light?

One more, one more, one more. Turn away, Jay, turn away.

I am, I am.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, okay. Where does it feel? Where do you feel pain?

Inside.

Any pain?

No.

You sure? There's not— there's like no like visible—

no, there is like—

I see like white. No, those are like his hair follicles. You think so?

Yeah, toilet paper.

Okay, so I'm good.

You're good. You don't— you don't have a hemorrhoid.

Did you make this up so Reggie— because you wanted Reggie to look in your ass?

No, that'd be ridiculous. Wow.

Okay, honestly, All right.

I can't imagine people driving their car and then listening to this.

This is insane. Or worse, eating their dinner.

Yeah.

Or with their loved ones.

Dude, you got to put a warning of some sort.

Please, please, please. If you have somebody that's never listened to this podcast, send them this one and just tell them we're a medical-focused podcast and this is typically what we do. Wow. Okay. I mean, Nat, you want to see it at this point? If it's all good. All right, here, go in there. Yeah, yeah, give Nat the mic. Give Nat the mic. No, grab it so you can talk at least.

Now we're—

I was in there for a long time. How'd it feel? Um, like under the blankets.

All right, now real quick, come look.

Come here. Reggie giving David a clean bill of health here on the Asshole Diaries.

Oh my God, I'm scared. I don't really like—

All right, maybe we shouldn't. Maybe the bit's already done, right? If like we keep going back into it, it's like, what are they doing? Yeah, it's like David's got to finish. You gotta get in here! Alright, alright, no more, no more. The bit's done, the bit's done. Okay, but diagnosis? No hemorrhoids. No hemorrhoids.

What did you see? Did you see anything? What's causing this pain?

It looked like a normal hole to me, and then there's just a lot of—

it looks just like a lot of hair. John, what'd you see?

I saw a forest, dude. That was crazy.

But you didn't see anything wrong, John?

No, I didn't see anything wrong.

How would you know though? You've never looked into an asshole before.

Right, like the next step would honestly be like putting on a glove and like like stuffing.

Okay, John, no, we're not fisting him.

I'm not— John's like, Reggie's like, we're not putting on gloves, John. We're going in there, we're raw-dogging it.

Like, I mean, I genuinely could not see anything.

Okay, because of the hair. Yeah, yeah. Well, you really should shave it.

Are you sure?

Can I tell you something too? Yeah. Um, you know, when I— my cyst, like, if I don't shave back there, yeah, it gets irritated. Okay, okay. And from what I could see in the reflection of the whiteboard Yeah, I mean, that's insane. Yeah, it's like you only have hair there. Have you— I mean, look like a tire going over your cheeks. Oh, like a, like a rubber tire.

Like it was like— don't mess with the Zohan. Yeah, he's got the bush.

Yeah, yeah, don't mess with the Dober. You've got that Slovakian— Slovakian astronaut.

They call it the High Tatras.

Yeah, we just use one of the—

right now that I'm really comfortable, maybe you should look at it again, and this time I really pop it out. It's in there, Reg.

You feel the lump inside?

No, I don't know.

Okay, I wonder if Bigfoot has this problem.

Bigfoot— the problem with Bigfoot is he doesn't have many Bigfoot friends to look in there, and the only reflection he can use is the river. So that's like— and that's already like a little disoriented, right, when you're looking through the river's point of view? Yeah, because Bigfoot says, here, it's weird that you just grabbed my ass cheek and now you're hitting your vape. It's just like, go wash your hands or something.

I literally did this. Yeah, not— I wasn't grabbing it and getting in there.

I don't know, dude, it felt kind of hot because Reggie's got some long nails, so I was like— I was imagining fucking some crazy things. That's why I was down there for so long. Wow. Um, all right guys, I got— I think I'm gonna go see medical professionals now. Um, all right guys, well, that's all the time we have for this podcast.

I mean, what?

Genuinely, this— obviously we shouldn't put anything else into the podcast. That has anything to do with an asshole. Like, this is the asshole podcast and that's it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. I don't know how long it is. Even if it's fucking 12 minutes. Thank you, everybody who came on. My doctor Reggie, his assistant John. Yeah. Jason for chaperoning and for watching the whiteboard reflection. Amazing.

I'll never forget that.

Yeah. Listen, Golden Globes, we post 2 times a week and this is our official submission. I mean, like, literally lighten up a little. You're going to give it to Rogan, who's intelligent and highbrow and talks about aliens. No, give it to us, the real common folk down here. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. You guys want to plug anything?

My ass.

Yeah, I'm posting David's ass on my OnlyFans.

I actually took a picture of it.

Go check out Reggie's OnlyFans if you want to see another ass hole. Reggie Daddy. Reggie Daddy. All right, thank you, John. Also, I want to mention, um, just for the people listening, this is like— can this be our little secret? So like, and I don't mean that like obviously we're putting it out, but like when you see me on the street, I'm with a random group of people that definitely don't listen to the pod, or I'm just with anybody in general, don't Don't say anything about my potential hemorrhoid or anything about my asshole, please. Like, this is one of those episodes that if we had a Patreon would go on there or would go behind layers and layers of paywalls. So, so just, just for the sake of me, I mean, you could wink at me and be like, hey, congrats on not having one. You could give me one of those, but just don't bring it up because I don't have to explain this whole situation to random people that are, that I'm hanging out with. Okay, that's it. Thank you. Regardless, thanks for everybody that watched. Thanks for everybody that listened. Sorry, not watched. Well, watch, John, Reggie, and Jason.

The real winners here, John and Reggie.

Yeah. And let us know if you want us to upload a Patreon episode where you actually see inside my asshole.

Let us know if you want more content like this.

Well, yeah.

Whose asshole is next, Dave?

I think that's it. I think we peaked here.

You think so? I think so.

Yeah.

I wanted to get in on the fun.

I can't imagine Jason's asshole.

I can't imagine. I feel like he's just been doing this so long, it's, it's not even like a, like a circle. It's just like a droopy, saggy, like eye drop. Yeah, just, just like corroded. Like it's like it's been set in toxic waste.

I poop 3 times a day.

All right, enough.

It's awful. God.

All right, wrap it up.

We'll see you guys soon.