Hooking Up With the Same Girl

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason comes here after a long day and complains about his wife's new boyfriend. Maybe that was too personal.

This is the place to do it, isn't it? That's why we started this. David hates when I talk about myself.

I roll the intro, Bruce. All right, what's up guys? We're back on Views. It's me and Jason. Jason and I, we're here. We've had a long week, a really long week.

It's only Wednesday, but we're back.

We did a lot. First thing I want to touch up on right away, like straight out of the gate, no homo by the way, you think I'm good-looking?

Yeah, thank you. Um, why would you preface it with no homo unless that's what you were gonna say?

I was hanging out with younger kids and they would say that after everything they said.

No homo.

Yeah, your kids are crazy.

My kids are saying no homo out there?

Yeah, Charlie asked for a bag of Skittles and she's like, no homo. I don't know what that means, but, but here, here are your Skittles. Um, recently I was thinking about, uh, about comedy as a whole. Well, look how like— look how quickly I got into it. Oh, but by the way guys, I know a lot of you guys are sketched out and you guys are like, where are the ads? Don't worry, they're coming. We got 3 right in the middle of the show for you.

It's 3 hot ads coming for you guys. I know you're worried about— I know they're worried about it, David. Thank you for Putting the audience at ease.

That's the only reason the people—

what is going on? How is David gonna get his pool? What? There's 2 minutes of the show, there's no ad at the top of the show. What? That's the listener at home. How is David gonna get the Lamborghini? How will he get the second car that runs on gas so he doesn't have to go to the supercharger for 3 hours twice a week?

How will David finish his movie theater room if there's no ad at the top of the show? No, but what I was thinking about earlier is how different comedy is from being a musician. I know it's like, yeah, no shit, dumbass. But like, like when you're a musician, this is what I hate about comedy is when I'm like, when someone pisses me off, like, yeah, I can make fun of them, but I can't, like, I can't make it look cool. You know what I mean? Unless I'm like Mope. Like if someone pisses me off and I'm a rapper, yeah, I can make a dope-ass diss track and everyone would be like, that's dope.

Yeah.

But in comedy, you can't really channel anger into like your craft. And that's what I hate about it. Does that make sense?

Uh, yeah, but you can—

I guess I do it with you a lot.

You can, you can send somebody up, like, you know, like the way John Oliver like makes fun of Trump or something. I know, but there's something similar, isn't it? Isn't that similar to a diss track?

It is, but there's something, there's something less like dope about it than like me just getting on a mic and spitting fat beats. Like, yo, Jason is a fat ass.

It's less cool.

He's a stupid-ass bitch.

You don't want—

that sounds dope. But if I go like, knock knock, um, who's there? Jason is.

Jason is who?

Jason is a stupid-ass bitch, right?

I get that. I, I know what you're saying.

You're like, I don't get behind that one. You're right. You're like, now that you put it into a more personal vibe, I'm kind of starting to dig it.

David, I don't know why you came to attack me, tell me that I was a stupid-ass bitch, um, so quickly.

I have, I have a story about our friend Brandon Cavillo. You may know part of the story. Um, Brandon surprisingly ended up having sex the other day. Okay, I swear to my life.

How do you know that?

I, I know a lot of things.

He told you?

No, I was sitting outside the window planning my next prank.

Outside his window?

Yeah.

Shut up.

No, I'm kidding. He told me, and, and then I found out who the girl was. Yeah, and it turns out Dom has slept with her.

Oh yes.

Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, Eskimo Brothers.

Eskimo Brothers.

Yeah.

And Brandon and Brandon didn't think this was a big deal.

Uh-huh.

And then I'm like, dude, did you know what you just did? You just slept with the lion's, like, you know. Yeah, Dom is our friend who gets a lot of girls, and you don't sleep— you don't sleep with friends' friends, or you don't—

might have some sexual diseases in his past.

He's had chlamydia twice, which is amazing. The— our friend Dom has had chlamydia once, and then he got rid of it, and then he went back to the same girl and And I don't know, maybe when he was explaining to her that she has chlamydia, he got turned on and had sex with her again. That's the only way I would imagine it. But he got chlamydia twice.

And, um, I don't know why he keeps getting rid of it at this point. He should just stick with it. It should just be a thing. But, um, but yeah, it's really, it's really gross. And Brandon has chlamydia.

The girl's lovely.

The girl's lovely.

Yeah.

Oh, but this isn't the girl that has chlamydia.

No, I know, but the girl that they both had sex with is a lovely girl.

There's something about—

cute.

There's something about—

smart.

I would never— if I was single, I would never hook up with a girl that my friend has hooked up with.

Oh, really? Yeah, it's interesting.

Yeah, you and I are different like that because you, you're trying to hook up with my girlfriend constantly.

So I mean, I have— I mean, oh, I mean, you knew that.

Well, yeah, I just thought we're gonna pretend.

I thought we were talking. We're all working to say it on the podcast. Yeah, take this out.

Okay. No, but I would, I would never, and especially I would never sleep after I have a hard time sleeping, or like, I have a hard time sitting on Dom's bed because I know of his past diseases.

Yeah, yeah, but you're not germophobic in anything.

You know what Dom was doing the other day? My friend Dima, who's visiting from home, cut his hand. Yeah, and Dom— and Dom pulls out— Dom pulls out a, like, a dish rag. He pulls out like a dish rag from his closet to give to Dima so he can wrap it around his hand and And guess what? I take the dishrag and I find out that there's cum all over it.

How do you know? How did you know?

And I—

how do you know it was cum? It could have been anything.

Yeah, why? But I know what Dom's cum tastes like, so it was definitely— regardless, regardless, what I'm trying to say is Dom's disgusting, and Brandon had sex with a girl that he's had sex with, which just doesn't make any sense to me. Anyway, Brandon, Brandon goes to me and he goes, okay dude, I know I messed up. Please don't tell. Please don't tell Dom about the entire world on your podcast. Yeah, please. Or don't tell the entire world. And, and then the next day we see Dom. Alex somehow forgets that Brandon told us not to tell anybody. And Alex goes, yo Dom, guess who Brandon had sex with? And, and Dom's like, who? And I'm like, Alex, shut up. And then, and then Alex is like, oh shit. And I'm like, okay, Dom. Since the cat's out of the bag, we're not gonna tell you the girl's name, but next time you and Brandon are in the same room, we're gonna tell you to make it really uncomfortable.

Right.

And then fast forward, fast forward 3 nights later, we're going to USC. It's, um, it's me and Brandon. We're hanging out. It's me, Brandon, Alex, Corinna. There's a couple other of us. And then, and then Dom walks to the group with the girl that Brandon's been having sex with.

Yeah.

And we just start cracking up. And Dom looks at us and he goes, what, what's going on? And Dom's like, oh my God, is this the girl? And Brandon, Brandon, oh my God, poor dude. His face is just, it's red as a tomato. And he's just like, I do not wanna be here right now. And yeah, that's how they found out that they all knew that they were having sex with each other.

What was life for the girl?

Oh, and you want to know how it ended up that night? The night was kind of awkward, Brandon. So Brandon, even though, even though she came with Dom, right, she came with Dom, right? Brandon ended up like walking around with her at the party the entire time. Yeah, like the entire time he was walking around with her, like hanging out like they were dating. And Brandon, Brandon had another girl at USC that he was talking to, but he couldn't talk to her because he was scared he would make this girl mad, right? You know, the girl that Dom and him have had sex with. And at the end of the night, we're all going home. Brandon gets in my car, and then the girl gets in her car and drives Dom home. Wow. And Brandon just like, just like looks back at her and he's just like, huh, okay. And then the entire car ride, Brandon does his famous— he does his famous speech where he goes, I don't even care. It doesn't bother me at all. I don't care. We're just like, Brandon, shut up. You care. It's a problem. But poor Brandon. I feel really bad for him. But you know what I don't feel bad for? People that listen to Spotify. Oh, because if you love this podcast, did you know that you can listen to it on Spotify while enjoying your favorite tunes? It's easy. Just look for the podcast section with the browse tab on your mobile device or search for your favorite shows. To find more podcasts, head to Spotify.com/podcast. That's amazing. That's Spotify.

It's dope. I, um, I listen to Spotify. All kinds of podcasts come up there now.

Great. He messed it up. He called it Spoti-Kai.

Huh?

You almost called it Spoti-Kai.

No, that's what the cool people call it. Um, like, uh, in Echo Park. Yeah, they call it Highland Park where I hang out and I braid armpit hair. That's, um, it's called Scotify.

Now you made up the name again.

That's actually an even cooler— that's a subset of Highland Park. It's called Wendell Park, and no one even actually— I haven't even started yet. Okay, actually, the warehouse— one more time, there's, um, 7 people that formed a commune.

Okay, and I'm actually at spotify.com/podcast. Spotify, please don't take away our money.

Spotify is dope, and I have Spotify.

It's dope. We're sorry.

I post Spotify tweets all the time, or I used to.

Okay, enough about that.

Hey, Charlie won, uh, student body president today. Or no, class student council president. Today.

That's amazing.

In her class.

I'm so proud of your 7-year-old daughter.

She's 8. You should know that, you fucking asshole. She's the most important thing in my life.

I know, I know. She's good.

Then Wyatt.

She, she won.

Her, then him.

What did your son win?

He forgot his violin. We were just sitting at yogurt and I was like, I'm so proud of you for winning, um, class president. That is so amazing. And then he goes, are you proud of me for forgetting my violin today? Wait, I have a great story. So So he's very forgetful.

Uh-huh.

She's, she's, she's very on it.

She—

you're—

you are Wyatt, and yes, and your ex-wife is your daughter.

Exactly to a T. My daughter's so smart, so on it.

Like, does Wyatt know what's coming for him?

Great handwriting.

A big beating in his life.

I hope not. That's what we're doing with this podcast. So when you listen to this podcast, you're gonna prevent my son from having a beating. Hopefully he'll have a trust fund one day so he won't get a beating.

Yes, shout out to Spotify.

Yeah, shout out for helping Wyatt, because she'll be fine. She's gonna do fine.

But my son, not so much.

Son, we worry about. Yeah, but he's good. He's really good at guitar. He's just different. So anyways, I wasn't good at guitar.

He's just— he's just different. You know that's not a good thing to say.

Different meaning stupid. He's not. He gets good grades. Poor guy. He's just spacing.

Poor guy's in the next room right now, but luckily you buy him like 10 bags of candy at night, so he's completely distracted. Yeah, you are. All right, what's the story?

So the story is, I, um, he just forgets stuff. And now he's been forgetting— if you forget your gym clothes 5 times in one day in one year, you fail.

Wow.

So he's already forgot it twice, you know, and it's October.

It's been like 2 months.

Well, same thing with the violin.

Wow.

Forget your violin, you know, 4 times, you fail. And so, uh, so I get a call. I drop him off. I gotta call at 8:05. I don't have my violin. So I'm like, okay, oh God. All right, so I go to my ex-wife's house, I get the violin, and then I go over the house. Now I can't bring the violin to the office because they'll mark it late.

Yeah, so, so you have to sneak it in the school.

So we have a spot where we leave things. I leave the gym clothes. Okay, so the gym clothes I can stuff under the fence. We have a spot that we know of, and I take a photo and I'm like, there's where it is. And, uh, so he's like, how are you gonna get the violin?

You threw it over the fence.

How are you gonna get the violin over the fence? I go, I go, like, don't worry about it, I guess. So I go, I get to the car, and I'm like, all right, I'm gonna need rope. I'm gonna have put rope, and I'm gonna put the—

shut up—

I'm gonna shimmy the violin down the other side of the fence. The other side of the fence. Yeah. So, um, so, and I'm vlogging this. I have my phone with me. I don't have my camera, but I started vlogging.

Of course.

So I'm like, all right guys, what's up, blah blah blah blah blah. And I don't know if I'll put this in the vlog. And then, and then I go I go, all right, this is what a good dad— I'm trying to be a good dad, whatever. And so there's some Starbucks bags, there's twine on the Starbucks bags, you know, like a fancy bag has like two loops that are twine.

Yeah.

Okay, so I take those, I'm doing like a real MacGyver thing, which is—

it's amazing, you're capable of so much and I have no idea.

Well, yeah, I'm tying twines together.

You're nothing like your son.

Nothing like myself. No, and in that moment I'm thinking I'm fucking doing this. Do you know what I mean? Like, I'm using my brain. I'm really impressed with myself. I'll show you the video later. And I'm like, look at this, I'm fucking doing this. I've got 4 pieces of twine, I've got a long thing like I'm in prison. Then I take a phone cord because it's not long enough. Okay, a cell phone cord. Yeah, and I tie that and I tie it really tight. Now I have fashioned a really long rope.

It's so— this is like the kind of ropes where like someone's breaking out of prison and they like, they like climb down it.

Yes. Yeah, okay, very strong. Yeah, and I'm bragging on camera.

I didn't have more string, so I took the strings from the violin, I clipped them off, and I tied the violin to the strings.

So then I set the camera up on my car to show me— to show off how I'm gonna shimmy it down.

But you forgot to put your car in park.

Close. That would have been the other thing I would have done. David, I throw the file— I have it all on camera, I'll show it to you. I throw the violin up It just fucking breaks like instantly. No, the violin, it crashes 25 feet— not 25 feet, let's say it's a 15-foot fence. Yeah, whatever.

Did you kill a cat in the process?

No, the violin's making noise. And then all the doors are open because it's hot. Kids come out in a And I just took off. And then I texted him. I said, it's there, it's there.

Also there is 3 packs of super glue. Wow, it's amazing. So like father, like son.

It's like father, like son. You know, they told me that he had, um, I went for a meeting once and, um, they said, oh, you have, your son has focusing issues. And we were, we went to go talk about his focusing issues.

And you're like, what?

And I remember in the meeting I, I drifted off the entire time. I was like, I have no— so he's like, do you know what you need to do now? You need to have him sign these papers. And I was like, huh, I have no idea. I had no idea what to do. So that's me.

Um, speaking of focusing issues, you, you just— we just told you about Adderall and how Adderall is like a thing that you can do.

I know, I missed out on your Adderall generation.

We, um, I actually— Adderall was a big thing in my school. It was, it was for like, for like the cooler kids would do it during like finals. Yeah, they'd pop it in because it really helps you out. It helps you focus. If anybody's listening right now, go ahead and try Adderall. Try our link at adderall.com/views. I'm kidding. If you, uh, Adderall— Adderall is not legal if you're not prescribed it. But, um, but yeah, it used to be a big thing. And one day, uh, we learned about the placebo effect in science class. You know what the placebo effect is?

I do.

It's where you— it's where you're handed something, where you're given something and your body is convinced that it is what it is. And it's not. So my friend was going to take his final, and right before final started, I told him, I'm like, hey, you want an Adderall? And I took a bunch of my Claritin pills and I put them in a little baggie to make it look super suspicious. And he's like, yeah, fuck yeah, I would love an Adderall. And he took, took the, um, he took the, he took the Claritin.

You're testing this on people?

Yeah, it was a Claritin. It was, it was for allergies. And I'm like, dude, don't take it. Don't take it because it'll kick in quick. And I'm like, don't take it till you get to class. So he waits, he waits till class, he waits to go to class. He looks at me, he like gives me like a wink like he's about to do it. Yeah, pops it in his mouth. I give him the thumbs up. I'm like, oh yeah, you're killing it. And then after the test, he comes out of the classroom, I come out of the classroom, and I'm like, dude, how was it? And he's like, I'm gonna be honest with you, man, I didn't, I didn't feel anything. But 20 minutes in, holy shit, it hit me like a rock. I'm like, dude, it was Claritin. And he's like, what? But yeah, but he thought that he was literally on Adderall.

And have you ever taken one?

I have, I have taken Adderall, yes.

For a test? No, just for fun, just for kicks. What happens?

It's, um, you just get really focused. You want to build stuff, you want to— you just want to— you want to get stuff done. So if you have a bunch of papers, you're just like, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. You sing that, you hum that song, and then you end up in an insane asylum if you take too many at once. But, but yeah, that's the story of my drug-dealing days.

I want to try one.

Go ahead.

I don't know where to get it.

Well, you— let me compare it to something you're used to. Adderall's a lot like coke.

Is it like cocaine?

Yes.

How so?

Well, well, when you're on coke, I would imagine you probably know this better. It's everything.

Don't incriminate me, not yourself, you little shit.

No, I'm kidding. It's just, it's the same type of drug. It's a, I don't know what the word is. It's an upper.

Opiate.

Opiate, whatever. My name's Jeff. But yeah, that's my story about the placebo effect. But earlier yesterday, we were all hanging out. This is my favorite thing. We were all hanging out and hold on, before I get into what we were doing hanging out, Do it. Can I just tell everybody this, this, um, situation I have?

Oh yeah, you really should let everybody know about this because this is serious.

Yeah, this is really serious, guys. I'm just gonna start out with a question. Are you guys hiring? Do you know where to post your job to find the best candidates? Because with ZipRecruiter, you can post your job to 100+ job sites with just one click. Then their powerful technology efficiency matches the right people to your job. Better than anyone else.

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That's ziprecruiter.com/nash. One more time, try it for free. Go to ziprecruiter.com/nash.

Love ZipRecruiter, but ZipRecruiter, please start listening to our podcast and understand that I am very bummed out that the promo code is Jason's last name and not mine.

And ZipRecruiter also know that when you do listen to the podcast and change it to Dobrik, I then will be the bummed out one.

Yes. So combine it and maybe make the promo code Dash.

So maybe go this weekend and think about it a little when you're going to your friend's cabin in the woods and just like, you know, just be fair. That's all.

Thank you, ZipRecruiter.

Do something fair.

That's ziprecruiter.com/nash. Okay. Back to my story that I was saying. So we were all hanging out. And Matt King, who's a very intelligent young man, says to all of us— you were there, so I'm not gonna pretend like you weren't— but says to all of us, he's like, I have a psychopath test.

Yes.

And we're just like, hell yeah, lay it on us, let's do it. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna say the question so the, so the people listening can answer for themselves before I give the answers out loud. So this is the question. There's a girl, she's at her mom's funeral. Her mom's passed away, and at this funeral she meets this guy. She falls in love with the guy, completely head over heels, loves him so, so much. And then a couple days go by, maybe a week or two, and the girl kills her sister. Why does she kill her sister? Now we're going to give you guys the next 3 seconds to process this.

And I'm going to sing Black Eyed Peas. Let's get it started in sort of a classical tone.

Jason, let's sing Black Eyed Peas until you—

let's get it started. Let's get it started in here and running, running.

Okay. All right. So this is the answer. Okay. This is the answer. I— okay, I don't know how to—

well, I can say that I know what— how I answered.

Jason answered it in a way where most likely most of you answered it and said maybe because the sister had an affair with the guy she met.

I feel like that— that's— I've heard this before. I've heard that's like probably the most popular answer.

That's probably the most popular answer, where the— where the girl had an affair with the guy— or sorry, where the sister had the affair with the guy that she met, so she killed her sister because of it. I—

what were some other answers that we got? Because we asked a bunch of people.

It was all about affairs, right? It was just mostly about affairs, or someone was jealous.

Didn't Alex say something bizarre?

Alex, Alex didn't understand what the question was. Alex was like, yeah, she probably just bought a cute dog or something.

Yeah.

But yeah, and I answered it. I answered it. I answered it the quickest. It was, it was honestly, it felt like it was a no-brainer at the time. I said it was because, because the sister wanted to meet the guy again. And by— sorry, but the girl wanted to meet the guy again. So by killing her sister, he would show up at the next funeral. And Brandon looked at me like he just saw a ghost. He's like, do you remember?

We all did.

You guys all did. But Matt was like, oh my god, oh my god, David, you're a psychopath, you're a psychopath. So we, so we ended up— and like, like, keep in mind, like, I know there's, I know there's like It's, it's very popular nowadays to brand yourself as a psychopath or sociopath. Like, it's like, it's like, oh look, I'm so cool, like I'm a psychopath, you know what I mean? Like, and I wasn't trying to do it when I answered this question.

I don't know why, is that so popular?

It's like, but like there's a lot of, there's a lot of personalities out there and I would be one of those sometimes, but I'm kind of over the stage.

No one wants to be labeled that.

I know, but you want to be like different, you want to be the center of attention, so you make, you'd give a psychopath answer. Like I've been in situations where I know that some friends would answer in a way, right, that just paints him as a psychopath. But when I answered it, I can honestly say that I— it came to my head in a millisecond. Like, it was, it was so obvious to me because it just made sense. Because, because the whole— the, the funeral has nothing to do with her sister cheating on a guy, so it just wouldn't make sense in the riddle. So I'm just like, okay, the funeral's connected to the situation, so that must mean that she's gonna see him again if there's another funeral.

And the question that really, I guess, that you should ask yourself as an audience member is, David, you know, is he a psychopath or is he just highly intelligent? That's really the question that I'm wondering sitting across from him now as he holds a microphone that could easily choke my throat at any moment if he decided to.

No, but when I thought of the answer of the of the funeral, I, I'm like, I know this is a psychopath answer. Like in my head I'm like, this is, this is the psychopath answer.

Why'd you say it?

Because then I spent the next 7, 10 seconds, I'm like, I'm gonna find, I'm gonna find the right answer that everyone says. And there wasn't one. Like, I, like when people said the cheating thing, I'm like, that's a little far-fetched. I just didn't understand how they got to that conclusion. Killing a, killing a person isn't far-fetched to get To get them back to your funeral?

Why would he come to the funeral?

Because the family— it's a— it's a— it's a family member. It's a family member.

Not necessarily.

Well, I mean, it's a— sorry, not a family member. It's a friend of the family, right? So there's a chance that he— I mean, there's a really—

I think it's even more far-fetched to say, I don't know, I'm gonna kill somebody to meet them again.

Regardless, it— we— then we spent the next 30 minutes calling all our friends, like every friend that we thought would possibly be a psychopath, you know, from Gabby, Alex, Liza, to, I mean, everybody. Everybody.

Yeah, and everybody passed, and everybody—

nobody said—

everybody but one person. Hmm.

Yeah, but I don't, I don't know.

I truly believe that, you know, I don't think you're a psychopath, and we have a test here.

Jason pulled up a psychopath test, and you guys can play along with this.

This is gonna be fun. David didn't want to do this because he thinks it's boring, but I think you guys are gonna love this. I'm already loving it. Go for it. Even, even some of the questions are so interesting just to see how you answer. And you can't lie because I'm gonna tell— I'm gonna say if it's true or not.

Okay, I'm not gonna—

I'm gonna be honest. I'm honest about you. I don't think you're a psychopath. I really don't.

Thank you.

I think you're weirdo, but most—

I think you're a piece of shit.

Most would— here's the first question. Most would describe me, you, as charming and nonchalant. I can turn my charm on and off like a faucet. David, would you say not me, this describes me somewhat, this is definitely me? Shit, don't even fucking question it. It's number 3. When you meet people in person, it's— you have this like set thing that like turns on, and it works on everybody.

But like, I can turn it off. You're right, you're right.

I turn it on and off like nobody's business.

I didn't want to sound like a douche, but yeah, I especially, especially lately, I've been getting into this weird thing where where I, I'm having a hard time talking to people and I just don't turn it on.

Why?

Because I'm just scared of wasting my energy.

Oh.

And I'm like, I'm like, I like, I, I'll hang out with somebody new and I'm not vlogging and I'm just like super mellow because I don't want to waste energy that I can take away from the vlog.

You're very good at ending conversations.

Yeah.

Oh my God, when you talk like, we remember we saw that guy at the light last night and you were like, all right man, well we'll see you around, I guess.

That wasn't like the most clever word choice. You're really good at, you're really good at under Conversations. Remember when we were at Wendy's yesterday and you said bye?

I, I drone things on. Here we go, question number 2. Okay. I do what I want when I want, the moment the impulse strikes me, regardless of others want me— regardless of what others who want. Not me. This describes me somewhat. This is definitely me.

No, this describes me somewhat.

Okay, hang on a second. Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. I do what I want when I want, the moment the impulse strikes me, regardless of what others want.

I— that's someone.

Someway.

Because if we're deciding to go get food or something, I'm super— I always care about what other people want. No. Yes, I do.

No, you never go eat what I want to eat.

Oh, I'll fight to the death for it.

But then, well, you never ever bend or say like, yeah, you know what, Jason, let's, let's go do what you want to get. You never—

fuck, Jason, you're different. We have a different relationship.

But like, why am I different?

I just know you too well. So like, I can, I can— it's just like with my best friends, you know?

That's not true. I won't name names, but there's definitely people that you bend for. Okay, so that's bullshit. And I don't even know what we're talking about anymore. But if Alex wanted to go to fucking Olive Garden, you'll bend for him.

Yeah, cuz I love Olive Garden.

Well, yeah, you do love—

next question.

The— regardless of what— hold on. Regardless of what others want. Yeah, you are considerate of people.

No, no, somewhat. Yes, I am.

That's okay. Somewhat, I'll give it to you. If someone goes— if something goes wrong or turns out badly, it's not my fault. Not me. Describes me somewhat. Definitely me.

Describes me somewhat. A lot of times I'll try not to make it my fault, but a lot of times I'll own up to it. I'm scared if I keep answering these somewhat, you're not gonna get a good answer.

It's fine. I would agree with somewhat. You do own up to stuff. I've gotten into legal— like today you owned up to that thing. I've gotten into legal or criminal trouble as an adult, not just speeding or parking ticket. Yeah, you're an illegal immigrant. This is me, definitely. No, not me.

No, I haven't. If I haven't gotten any trouble, if I were to get into legal trouble, I would have lost my DACA card and I wouldn't be it. Because did you know that 100% people with that, 100% of people that are DACA card holders, yeah, or don't, don't commit any crimes because they can't. Because if you commit a crime, you get it taken away.

You're done.

Yeah, which is something I read. I could have just made that up.

So did you freak out when you got that speeding ticket? Yeah, you must have.

Because if I would have went to jail, I would have gotten that taken away.

Yeah, and you still drive too fast.

That's why I never hold your fucking driving fast.

Yeah, don't, don't, don't start holding my Coke. Why would I give you my Coke? Why would I ever give you my Coke?

What would that be? Next question. How many more?

There's only 14 more.

Are you serious?

No. I'm easily the best at what I do, bar none. Nobody could ever take my place. Whoa, this is definitely me. I do whatever I feel like doing. I don't care what others think, or even if it's illegal. No, that's not you.

That's not me.

Every person for themselves. I don't see the point in feeling sorry for other people and have no desire to help others.

That's not true.

Don't Definitely me.

That's not true.

Okay, you tell me.

Somewhat.

Uh, every person for themselves. That's you.

Yes.

I don't see the point in feeling sorry for other people. That's definitely you.

That's not me, dude. Think about—

you don't feel—

well, think about our friends. Think about— think about who we're friends with and how, like, how I feel sorry for them a lot. Think about this. I don't want to say names.

That's fair. Okay, okay, I got you. You're right, I'll give you that one. I don't see the point— I read it wrong. I don't see the point in feeling sorry for other people. I read it sort of like, yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, do somewhat. Yeah, and have no desire to help everyone listening to this is like, this guy's a fucking dick.

Me?

No, no, me.

Oh, I've gotten into legal or criminal trouble when I was a teenager. No, no, I have no problem or concern in lying in order to get what I want.

That's somewhat. It depends who I'm lying to and what I'm lying about.

Yeah, it's a somewhat. Live in the moment. I live in the moment is what I say. The future will take care of itself. And learning from your past is pointless.

I don't think that's true.

I don't think that's you.

Yeah, I don't, I don't like making mistakes twice.

No, you definitely learn from your mistakes. I never feel remorse, shame, or guilt about something I've said or done.

Remorse, shame, or guilt? I have. Yes, I have a couple of times. These aren't, these are not looking like I'm a psychopath.

These look like I'm a regular human being. And I, and I, and you, you do feel remorse. You feel, you say you're sorry.

I, I, I, I have. Okay, let's finish the test and I'm going to say what I think.

I don't see the point. We're answering that one is not me. Yeah, because you don't really feel guilt though, do you?

No.

And you don't feel shame?

Somewhat.

All right, we'll do somewhat. I don't see the point in taking on responsibilities of any kind. They just weigh you down.

That's pretty close, but I do have a lot of responsibilities. I feel that way, but I still take them on. Do you know what I mean?

I think they mean like responsibilities like other people, not like your house and your mortgage.

I've taken on a lot of people. I would say somewhat.

You want to say not me or somewhat?

Somewhat.

Okay, and the answer, your score is— David's a dumbass psychopath. Oh, you scored a total of 10. Hang on a second, I shall read it. Okay, you answered the quiz consistent with people who would not generally be considered a psychopath by research methods currently used to quickly screen for psychopathy in the population. David Dobrik, you are not a psychopath.

That's amazing.

Common myth. While many people believe that psychopathy is more prevalent among CEOs and Wall Street bankers, this is not— this is a myth not supported by any research.

Liza a lot calls me a sociopath.

Congratulations for not being a psychopath.

Liza a lot calls me a sociopath, and that's something I would go with. A sociopath is, I think, more up my sleeves. Yeah, I'm definitely not a psychopath just because I know I'm not. I think, uh, murderous human being.

Every YouTuber is a sociopath.

But you know, you know what's great about, about YouTube and about podcasting and everything is laying down, because getting a good night's rest, because that's the best. You gotta— I discovered new, um, linen at brooklinen.com, and oh my God, do I love these sheets. Brooklinen was founded in April 2014 by husband and wife team Vicky and Rich Fuller.

I have the sheets on my bed, you know.

Yes, I know. You've stained them, but they are there. Vicky and Rich pull up on the philosophy that people deserve simple, beautiful home essentials without the luxury price.

Yes, Brooklinen cuts out unnecessary markups and manufacturing waste in order to offer exquisite designs and exceptional savings across their collection. David, these sheets are amazing. They're so nice, they sent them to me.

I've never slept with Jason more nights than after he got these sheets. Brooklinen is the fastest growing bedding brand in the world. Because people love these products. Their sheets have over 12,000 5-star reviews.

They have versatile colors and patterns that you can mix and match to effortlessly complement any decor.

This is luxury bedding underpriced. You have to try these sheets today. Sorry, I got the hiccups.

I love my Brooklinen sheets. Try these sheets. I know you'll love them too.

Brooklinen.com has an exclusive offer just for our listeners.

Yes, get $20 off and free shipping when you use the promo code views@brooklinen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com. In fact, David, yeah, in fact, I'd like you to read this.

In fact, Brooklinen is so confident that you'll love your new sheets that they offer a risk-free 60-night satisfaction guarantee and a lifetime warranty on all their sheets and comforters.

If— yeah, it's amazing.

There's no reason not to give these sheets a try.

The only way to get $20 off and free shipping is to use the promo code views at brooklinen.com. That's B-R-O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com, promo code views.

Brooklinen, these are the best sheets ever.

Totally the best sheets.

Damn, whoever wrote that made me sound like it's a good writer. Dope-ass dude. Yo, shout out to Brooklinen coming on the podcast. If you guys are regular listeners, you know that these are new.

I thought they just sent me some sheets for fun. No, I didn't know they were going to be an advertiser.

No, it was the full-on thing. And you love the sheets?

They're amazing on my body. I mean, on my old body.

You just wear them as like a ghost. You look like a ghost.

I want to wear them.

Wow.

I want to— I wish Brooklyn had made cargo shorts.

Yeah, 100%. Brooklyn, and if you could start making cargo shorts, that'd be amazing. They're—

yeah, no, Brooklyn, they're nice and cool is what they are.

Thanks for joining us on the podcast. Thanks for— thanks for being a part of it. This is amazing, David.

I want to thank you for just letting me in your life. I want to take this moment right now, if I could have the next 25 minutes, just to talk about what's been going on for the last year in my life and the changes that you've made and helped me grow as a person. The other day I was having a glass of water and I had a half a glass and I said to myself, I think I'm gonna have some more.

Wow.

And before I met you, I don't— I don't know if I would have thought I deserved that second half glass of water. My favorite gag is when I'm talking to you or Scott and you try to leave the room, and did you realize that I'm not done talking? Yeah. And then you have to come back.

I wish— I wish this was in our podcast. I would have been out the door by now.

Kristen did it today.

Oh, she did?

Yeah. And I don't know, she totally didn't even know she did it. Like I said, uh, so, so you, oh, you, you, you came up my desk in the window and you just flipped me off like out of nowhere.

Yeah.

And I laughed. I thought it was really funny. I also spilled my salad.

Yeah.

And then Link came over, the dog's dog. Yeah. And started eating the salad.

Yeah. Okay.

And you know how Link is. Link, she just like, she's a puppy. Like she doesn't stop. You tell her no, she just keeps coming, right? Yeah. Your face right now, you're so bored with the story. That's how Kristen was. So I tried to tell the story to Kristen. I was like, oh, David came over and flipped me off and then the salad flew out and she just walked away. Like she didn't realize I was talking to her. She thought I was talking to Scott. Uh-huh. But the way it looked was she was just like, fuck this. I'm not sticking around for this bullshit.

No, I mean, I really try to stick around for your stories as most as I can, and I'm sorry I bum you out sometimes by leaving, but it's okay. They suck. No, no, but guys, that's all the time we have for the podcast.

Come see us live on October 21st in San Francisco.

I'm sorry we ended the podcast on such a shitty note.

What are you talking about?

I'm just kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Oh my God, it was a good story. Too tired. I can't take David's jokes. I was eating Cracker Jacks before the show tonight, and David came up and he's like— which is so un-David to say. You never say stuff like this. You go, hey, you, you, you're gonna be a fat ass eating this shit. You never get— no, you said, you said you're never gonna get in shape this way, and you don't care about being in shape at all. Yeah, that's like something you don't care about at all.

I can tell when Jason's in like a bad mood or he's tired. Well, when he's tired is because he responded to that and he went Oh, come on, I've had a long day. And I'm like, dude, it was a joke. Chill. So yeah, he's, he's had a long day. So let's, let's be nice to make sure to go on Twitter.

Can we just go get a nice meal? I have an idea.

Yeah, shut up. That's—

let's go get a nice meal.

Jason's favorite thing is to offer up nice meals that we never go to. But guys, we have a live podcast in San Francisco. October what?

October 21st, 3 PM.

Go buy tickets.

You can be underage, but you have to bring a parent.

Yeah, yeah, or you can just sneak in.

Or yeah, don't even—

you don't have to pay for it. If you can sneak in, then sneak in.

And honestly, we don't even swear. We swear on here, but when we do it live, we keep it.

Oh, we swear a little bit.

Did we? Yeah, I tried not to, especially with all those— just, you know, if there's kids there. I saw some kids in the audience. You know, I'm a dad.

You saw the kids in the audience? What do you mean? You saw everyone that came?

Yeah, I saw some kids in there.

But yeah, guys, make sure to go by Bring your mom.

Maybe she's single. Let me know.

Don't bring your mom. Jason's been hooking up with too many people's moms. There's too many people that are having new siblings.

No, but maybe I could be your stepdad.

Go buy the merch. This is, this is the part of the podcast where we plug everything we have. Go buy our merch. Go buy Jason's merch, please.

That'd be great.

Please, I beg you.

No, no, no. My merch is doing great.

Tweet us suggestions for hosts on the show, or for hosts.

Jason's like, yes.

Jason's like, what? Hosts, new hosts.

Hey, listen, I got plenty of other 21-year-old influencers I can jump to as well.

Okay, what would you do? What would you do if you were no longer my co-host?

Um, start a show with Brandon.

Oh, he already has his own show.

Move in on Ryan Brannon's show, I guess.

Just go to someone else.

If you got rid of me— yeah, tomorrow. If you got rid of me tomorrow, first I'd burn your house down.

All right guys, that's all the time we have. Make sure you guys like and subscribe, tweet me @davidoberk. And tweet at Jason and Ash. My name is Jeff.

Bye-bye.