Her First Date (Caught on Air)

What's up guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where a lot of you guys have been telling me to rage bait Jason. Jay, do you even— do you know what rage baiting means?

That's when you're really mad and you're jerking off, right?

No, it's when— actually, it probably is. Yes, I rage bit constantly. Yeah, um, no, rage bait is like when you give somebody— when you bait somebody into getting angry. Yeah, obviously I'm not starting the podcast telling people that I'm gonna jerk you off today.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so So rage bait. So that is my goal. And I'm letting you know now because you have a bipolar personality and if I do it mid-podcast, I don't want you to lash out on me like forever.

Oh, so it's coming at some point in the podcast.

At some point. At some point you're going to rage bait me. I'm going to say something that's going to get under your skin.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm ready for it.

Okay. And guess what? Only like 5 more, 4 more months till August.

I know. And no more Nat.

No more Nat. Natalie's leaving to Chicago in 4 or 5 months, guys. So August, if you're trying to, if you're thinking of a time time to take a break from the podcast, it's right now. Take the next 4 months off, and then when you come back in August, you're gonna feel rejuvenated, and it's just gonna be me and Jay sitting here.

No, I would say August is going to be dry.

You think?

Yeah, yeah, we should plan a trip. We should go somewhere so we have something to talk about.

Come to Chicago.

Wait, what do you mean? Natalie, please stay out of this. Just give us, give us 5 minutes on our own, okay?

I'll go to Chi-Town.

I don't know if I want to go. I can't go. I can't go to Chi-Town with Natalie because Natalie, Natalie doesn't prioritize me. So if I, if I, if I end up going there, I know she'll abandon me and hang out with her boring friends.

I will hang out with my friends for sure.

Do you think your friends are boring?

I think a lot of them, yes.

Wow.

I mean, they know that. They know that.

I felt weird saying that.

Why would they be boring?

Because they're just like—

They're all married.

They're like married. They're all settled down.

And you can't be fun when you're married.

Some of them are fun.

Let's see how many people we can alienate on the podcast.

Was that the rage bait?

That was the rage bait. I'm rage baiting our audience.

Just because your friends don't have 50 Cent coming to the house to play a 3 songs.

No, you know what I mean? You're always making it a money thing. It's not.

I didn't say it was a money thing. That's a clout thing.

No, they like to go to bed at like 8 PM and they go to work and they do their thing.

And also, like, I just call them boring, even though, like, I think last podcast I talked about how I actually want to be boring for the rest of my life.

Right.

So I have no room to judge other people on how fun they are. And boring is cool. There's nothing better than boring friends.

Right. Because they're very— anything you do, they're really impressed. Like, if you order like 2 things of pancakes, they're like, whoa. Yeah, let's go.

Yeah, I guess that is nice to have, but that's not even what I'm saying. I'm just saying, like, it's just, like, really relaxing. This is gonna sound like I'm making it up and I'm trying this new thing to, like, yeah, to attract a girlfriend into my life. I have genuinely, genuinely, genuinely, genuinely have decided I'm, I'm in— I'm not fit for a woman in my life currently. And, and, and, and, okay, but I'm being deadass about this. I'm being deadass about this.

No, we definitely believe you, bro. No one's contesting this.

No, but you know how I've always been, like, asking it, asking for it, right? Yeah, I can't do it anymore. I've been You haven't been on one date. That's exactly what it is.

What do you mean you can't do it anymore?

You haven't done anything. That's what it is. You hit the nail on the head.

Okay.

So the last couple of days I've been asked more so than ever to do a lot of activities with my friends. Like I had one of my friends reach out like, hey, I'm going to the Kendrick Lamar concert. I have these great seats. There's like 10 of us going. It's like, and all everybody's very hot going to this thing. And then I was asked to go to another thing and I'm just like, I'm so sorry. Like I would just, I'd just rather be at home. I have no desire to do any activity. Jay, you couldn't hit me with a single activity that I would want to do.

Is it a box?

Like, or is it front row seats? It's even better than a box.

Oh yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. Jay, there is not a single— like, Heath will be like, you want to go to the track and race cars? I'm like, no.

But you like that kind of thing.

But I know, but I don't. There's nothing more that I love than staying at home. And I don't even— it doesn't even come from like, you're a depressed thing. I'm just like, I'm very just like old.

You're content.

And I'm just like, I just want to be home.

Wow.

That's like such a cop-out.

No. And it's not fit for— like, I will not be an entertaining date for a girl. And I feel really bad. Like, it's like— and I can't help it. I really, really can't help it. I just can't. You would.

You would. If the person you really like, the person you'd bring on the charm. You're very charming.

I don't know. I don't know. Maybe there's a chance that if I meet somebody, I'll, like, be reignited to do, like, the simplest of activities. But, like, That's why you have to go to the Kendrick Lamar concert. But Jay, I can't be bothered to do that. I can't go to anything fun because I genuinely, I feel like I've been able to do so many fun things. I just, I don't really want to.

I don't want to.

There's an old saying, you know, you got to—

I love old sayings.

You got to keep the light on in the lighthouse. That means like going out. And so when the boats go by, they'll see you.

Okay, I feel that. But I feel like I am keeping the light on at the lighthouse, but I'm just staying at the lighthouse.

Not playing—

There's no better way to keep the light on than being physically at the house.

No. In other words, you go to the Kendrick Lamar show, there's women there, you meet one of them, one of them goes, "My friend Ashley would love you. You would love my friend Ashley." That's how it happens.

And then I have to fucking go meet Ashley somewhere.

Yeah, you can't give up. You've gotta keep continuing your life.

And you know what? The more people you meet, the more hands you shake.

The more COVID you get.

The more COVID you get, genuinely. The more you can get sick. That was my biggest fear being at the SNAC convention. I was at the SNAC convention in Indiana this weekend, and I was meeting so many people, I'm like, I get sick. That's all I could think about. I'm like, if I was just at home, I wouldn't get sick. Like, I just like think of the most pessimistic things. But yeah, I love being at home is what I'm trying to say.

I think that you should just have some more get-togethers here at the house so people can just come here and you can meet people here.

That's like some stupid Gatsby shit though, no? Like, just like I don't go out and I don't leave my house, I'm just upstairs.

You're gonna leave the house. You're just in a funk right now because you did a lot of traveling. This is the thing that you need to be a little more self-aware about, because your like behavior patterns or the things you're interested in, like this week you're not interested in it, but next week you're gonna be like, you're You're not gonna fucking go out with me?

This is fucking crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do have some really like—

Like you swing back and forth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I will say there was this really interesting thing. What?

Well, this is another example of this. David and I, like 2 weeks ago, we are high on life. We're planning this European summer vacation.

Yes, fun.

And we're like, oh, we're gonna go here, we're gonna do this, we're gonna do that, we're gonna whatever, we're gonna get a place here for 4 weeks, you know, whatever. And then yesterday he's like, you know what, I just don't think I wanna travel anymore. I think I just wanna be home. I think that we shouldn't do it. And I'm like, you're so insane.

Well, it's because I went to New York and like, I do my thing where like, when I travel, I like wake up at 4, wait for the night to hit, go out, and then I repeat again. And it just, and it just sends me into like the worst, like, this is no way to travel.

Yeah, don't do that.

Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. So I have a bad taste, bad taste in my mouth from doing that recently.

Yeah, we got up at 10 AM, we go out, we go to a museum, we We go out, we do the day in New York.

You got to schedule activities. You got to actually make an itinerary.

You pulled the plug on the European vacation?

Temporarily. Yeah. I was like, I can't travel.

I was pissed. I was like, okay, well, I'll see you later.

I love it here. I hate being away from my hometown friends. I feel like they text in the group chat and they go, let's get on COD. You know how fucking jealous that makes me? I don't care if I'm standing next to Tom Cruise. You're dropping in Verdansk without me? And I know they're doing it to piss me off, too. I know they can easily start a fucking group chat, and I know they know I'm busy.

Right.

But they're doing it to rub it in my fucking face. Right. And I can't be anywhere else. There was this girl I saw. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend. But I was in New York. It was— this is when it was like 3 a.m. The clubs were closing. I was standing outside and she like stormed out of the club. She was really upset and I was like, oh, bad news. Something's happening here. And then this guy ran after her and he was like, whoa. And they were just like in a tiffy. Tizzy?

Yeah.

Tooty?

A tooty? A tizzy?

Tizzy.

Tizzy. And then they went to the car. It was like a 20-second thing. And then 2 days later, I'm going to eat at a restaurant. We're waiting to be seated. And she's the— she's the girl working the stand, like, at the restaurant. And she's like, a table for 8 or whatever. I'm like, yes, yes, yes. And I'm like, were you really stressed out 2 nights ago? And she's like, yes. And I'm like, were you in a fight with someone outside of— outside of this club? And she's like, yes. And I was like, how did that go? She goes, that's a long story, but how the fuck do you know that?

Who are you?

That was really bizarre. And I was like, oh my God, yeah, I was there and I saw that you were really stressed out. Oh my God, damn, that was really, really bizarre. But then I found out that that was her boyfriend. I was like, was your boyfriend? She's like, yes. I was like, got it, well, good luck.

Did you feel like being in New York that you would have an easier time like finding love?

Yes, if I was anyone but myself in my, in my weird mental state, yes. Natalie, you should totally move to New York Fuck Chicago. New York is a fucking video game.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, dude, I was driving. We were driving to dinner and there was this guy that just walked right by our cab. This is not even a cool story for New York because this is the most basic thing. But he's like, we were just driving, we were stuck in traffic, and you just hear a guy pass by and he goes, I am a slave to entertainment. I am a robot. And he's just, he's talking to somebody on the phone. And I'm like, wow, that's fucking, this is the craziest That is just New York in a nutshell. Everybody's so different.

It's great. You can yell there.

You could do fucking anything.

You can do anything. No one cares.

No one cares. But also everybody cares. That's why they're in New York.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But nobody really cares.

Nobody really cares.

Yeah.

You can film there.

But Natalie, you should definitely move though. That is the place to find.

Why are you telling her to go? She needs to be here with you.

Oh, right. Fuck.

I mean, like, I don't, you know.

What do you mean you don't? Like, don't you need to be here day to day?

No, I don't do anything day to day. I just sit here and talk to him, which I could do on the phone.

No, but she doesn't understand the power of like being next to me.

No.

Oh, no, no. That's how I mean. I mean like how much it like turns me on to like do bits, like to like come up with things. Like if I'm not like shooting the shit with her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like I'm just dead.

You get it all from that.

Yeah. Like from like from our interactions, like so many more things stem than when I'm just like just at home by myself.

Sure, sure, sure.

Like, I'm not thinking of work when I'm playing pickleball all day and she's not here. So yes, that will suffer like crazy.

And no pod.

And no podcast. Congratulations, listeners.

Well, I don't even—

you're gonna get a good month of podcast. Hey, I'm gonna get that Natalie-free pod you guys have been waiting for.

I love Natalie on the pod.

No, no, I like—

I just kind of accidentally showed up here, but I think it's necessary to have a girl here. Yeah, I mean, that's what I think, but I don't know.

I'd love to get a girl on the pod. Matt, can you reach out?

Yeah, I'll try to find someone. Who are these men that are all shirtless and hanging out outside?

Dude, you get so horny so easily.

I'm just confused. Like, it's noon.

There's just fucking people playing.

Do girls get horny by a shirtless guy?

Yes, for sure.

What?

Oh yeah.

Do you get horny by a shirtless woman?

Yeah, but men are pigs, you know. What do you think of tattoos? I don't think they're so great.

Yeah, that depends where the tattoos are. I think tramp stamps are so hot.

I like low-key feel like I match with this guy on Raya, who is this man?

Okay, fuck it. Can you just bring him on the podcast so we can just talk to him?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

Okay, you fucked yourself because I'm gonna go grab him.

Wait, why?

Is he attractive?

I don't know. I can't tell.

Okay, time out.

There's a hot guy playing pickleball outside right now. Natalie keeps looking at him, keeps asking, who are these guys? None of us seem to care because they're just random guys. Random people are always here, but for some reason today Natalie is like—

there are not 4 random shirtless men playing pickleball.

Which one's the hottest one? Tell me right now.

I'm waiting for him to turn around. I don't think any of them are—

which one's the hot one?

I don't know.

Now just be honest.

Alex is the hottest.

You think?

Well, he has the best body.

Well, which one?

No, I think it's the brunette.

Yeah, the brunette. Yeah.

Okay, but I can't get a— he can't— can you turn this way?

There he is.

Look now, look now. There he is.

Jake, throw on this mic here.

No, no, no, I'm kidding. I'm scared.

Shut up. We're gonna set you up. This is what you need. This is what you need.

No, I actually don't like him like that.

Shut up.

Wait, I'm nervous that I like— Natalie, do I know this person?

Sit there.

Put your hair down. Look like a slut.

No, I don't want this.

I don't want this.

Wait, what?

Just kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Wait, wait, what did you say? Say it again.

I'm gonna throw up on you.

What did you just say? What did you just say? What did you just say?

I think I know him.

Louder, I can't hear shit.

I think I know him, dummy.

Where did you meet? Where did you meet?

Oh my God, no, I can't do this.

He's coming in. Jay, Jay, the mic the second he walks in. Second he walks in because now he's nervous.

No.

Why did he say no? Wait, why would he not want to be on the pod? We'll keep him anonymous.

I think I know him. Is that right? And he is in music. I know Alex makes music.

He said he's not into podcasts.

I hate podcasts too. What do you mean? He's just— it's, it's a phone call.

That's what I said when he told me that. I said, good call.

Wait, wait, can we call him on the pickleball court? Yeah, he can stay out there on the phone. We'll just put the phone here. We don't— we should wait till they stop playing again.

Oh, he's really good at— good at pickleball.

Yeah, right.

He's better than David.

Jay, he could definitely see us staring at him No, nah, he's way down. What do you mean he's way down? It's a pickleball court, dude. It's not— this isn't an arena.

I don't think he can see me.

You're 14 feet away from him, dude. What are you talking about?

Well, he's down the end and he's focused on the ball.

Matt, you're really into this, this guy.

Well, because I'm just confused, like, how this man ended up here.

That's such a typical woman thing. But I'm like, just confused, like, why is he here?

Wait, let me check my right.

Hold on. Dude, Natalie wants to fucking find this man.

I think it is funny too.

Natalie, if he came in right right now, like a little sweaty from pickleball, and he was like, Natalie, I need to have sex with you right now. What would you say? What?

I'd be like, excuse you?

Wait, really? You'd say excuse you?

Um, have you ever had sex like that, Dave?

Yeah.

Someone's just like, hey, let's have sex right now.

I told you, that was my— the best sex I've ever had in my life.

I don't remember.

In Chicago. Um, well, you asked me. Come on, dude, you do— you fucking remember anything I tell you?

Block it all out. Well, I kind of—

I kind of remember.

What was the story again?

I was at a club and this girl came out— came up to me, was like, look, can we have sex?

Yes, yes, yes.

And I was like, oh my God, hello?

Yes.

Who do you think knows more about us, each other, or our audience that listens to these podcasts? Because I feel like, yeah, I feel like we, we don't remember our own stories.

I have a question for you guys. Yeah, how often do you—

twice a day.

I'm scared for you on that answer. Um, no, how often are you guys having wet dreams?

Um, Never.

Never.

I've never had one wet dream in my entire life.

Maybe because you guys are both getting laid pretty often.

Okay, Natalie.

I mean, even if—

first of all, that's probably the nicest thing you ever said to me, so thank you. Really? Yeah. You never like compliment me like in the bedroom.

I didn't say you were doing a good job. I just said you were doing it.

That's good too. I'll take that. No, I'm a horrible— I'm horrible at climax.

What's the longest you ever lasted?

That's my problem. This is just forever.

Oh, it goes forever?

Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah.

Climax.

It's just— yeah, it's not even fun.

Interesting.

It's just like, how does that work? It ends like, should we just stop? Oh my gosh. Um, it's not a lot, but yes, that's— that is how it happened because I grew up So scared of it. Okay. And I think I programmed my brain for it to never happen. And I just can't. I can't. I have finished once early.

Yeah.

And I was, and I did the whole, this never happens. And to this day, it's never happened. That was the only time that that's happened.

Yeah.

But yeah, normally it's just like, I really have to fucking really have to lock in and I have to help myself out. If I'm going to be honest.

Sorry. A couple of fingers in a couple of places.

Oh, my God, you have your fingers.

Two hands in my ass. Whoa.

Yeah, I knew you were doing some weird shit up there.

Yeah.

That's why you have all those toys for Snapchat anyways.

Because I'm having wet dreams. Like.

Are you being serious? You're having wet dreams?

Yeah.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What? We need Ilya in here for this. I didn't know. This is gonna be.

Yeah.

The horniest conversation of all time. Wait, wait, you're having wet dreams?

Yeah, isn't that crazy?

Wait, I think it is crazy for your age.

For my age? What does that mean?

Like, you're pretty mature. Like, I feel like, don't you grow out of wet dreams? Like, is that not like a thing?

No, like sex dream?

Wait, no, no, no. A wet dream is where you cum when you wake up.

Oh, it's just pissing the bed.

Just pissing shit. Oh my God.

Another wet dream.

Wait, what did you think a wet dream was?

I just thought you were having sex. You're having sex in your dreams. Oh no, that is what a wet dream is.

No, it's—

I think, I think of it as what Dave said, but that's just a sex dream.

Yeah, you're just having dreams about it. Yeah, I think he's just horny, dude. I'm telling you, ever since we've sat down to record this podcast and these 4 shirtless guys are playing pickleball in the back, Natalie has been on a little mission here. She keeps looking over there. The only thing she's mentioned so far is this wet dream she's having because I think she's currently in one.

Are they famous people in the dreams or people you know?

Like people I know, like my friends.

Like, how close are these friends?

Like, super close.

How many followers do they have?

How many Iron Man statues are in their living room?

Wait, wait, wait.

Are you actually having wet dreams about your close friends?

Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Wait, are you fucking like one of my close friends?

People you know? Yeah, it's people in my life that I live with. No, no, deadass. Yeah, I don't think so.

Maybe deadass.

Don't lie.

Don't—

I've had, I've had a lot. Like, I don't— I can't just like—

you've just fucked every guy you've ever seen? You're just having dreams about— wait, how is that possible? Who are you having wet dreams about? Be honest. In our friend group, it's not like I'm not having the wet—

like, it's not like I wake up out of the wet dream like, oh my God, that was so hot and sexy.

All right, let me restart.

Whoever— like, I don't know, whoever's in my purview.

Who's ever in your line of sight. Okay, let's start here. Have you had a wet dream about Jason?

Yeah, every night.

Have you had a wet dream about me?

No, no, don't smirk and smile like you fucking want me to. Um, no, I haven't. I don't think—

I mean, maybe it's not saying I don't think. That is such a fucking cop-out.

If I did, it wasn't memorable.

I'm just saying that sounds like actually you had a wet dream about me.

I mean, I'm sure I have.

I don't know, that chalks up to the experience you would have with me in real life. This time, but it did happen.

I think it is sort of my calling card.

That is how I've been described as before. So yes, that was me. Okay, so it's about our friends. And is this because this isn't even because you're craving them?

This is because, yeah, I have no desire for them when I wake up. But in the dream, it's very intense.

Wow. Okay, hold on. The pickleball guys are done. Can you get Alex? Just get Alex. Hey, why wouldn't your friend want to be on the pod? I don't know.

I actually don't know him. I just met him today. He just doesn't like podcasts.

Natalie thought he was hot. Oh, damn it. Yeah, it has nothing to do—

go grab him, go grab him.

Hey, come on in. Oh, maybe I think it's over there. No, you didn't, and we're not saying your name or anything, so you're just a voice. Sorry, did you guys take my wallet? No, no, no, no, no, no. I'll give him the mic.

No, no, no, looking for this?

No, no, we were— you were just playing pickleball out there, and our friend Natalie was like, he's really hot, and she kept getting distracted while we were podcasting, and I was like, first of all, shut the fuck up, Natalie, making all this jealous. And second of all, let's just bring him in and talk to him. So, Nat, if you have something to say to him.

What do you guys want to know?

No, I don't have anything to say.

Uh-oh, she's nervous.

Natalie's been having a lot of wet dreams.

Oh, that was the second thing after we were done.

I have a wet dream as a girl?

No, I, I didn't, I didn't know the definition of it.

We just explained it to her because I was like, Natalie, you know, that's like when you wake up and you cum. And she's like, oh. No, I thought she's just—

what did you—

she just pissed herself. That's what we said too.

This is not going my way right now.

Yeah, she's just been having sex in her dreams, which I guess is kind of semi-wet dream.

With friends.

With friends, like in her close circle.

Okay, this is not like information that needed to be here.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

This is why you guys brought me in.

Well, we just wanted to— are you single? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Oh, okay.

Hell yeah.

Then hell yeah, shoot your shot.

Amazing. No, I thought that I recognized you from somewhere.

I've definitely like seen you on Riot. I mean, the Sherman Oaks Raya community, it's pretty close. I'm committed to fostering an intimate community.

Natalie's like, I definitely saw him on Raya, but I know we didn't match, so I don't want him to think that I like studied him even though we didn't match.

Because I remember, yeah, looking at your profile or something, I don't know, whatever. And then I saw you, well, and I was like, how is Alex randomly friends with this guy that I've randomly seen on Raya? Anyways, put two and two together. And then, yeah.

Wow. Now this would be— if I was in your shoes, I would be fucking shitting myself. I'd be having one of your wet dreams right now.

Wait, did you not swipe on me on Raya?

I don't know. I don't know.

There's no way you didn't if you remember him this well. Unless you got to the fourth pick and you were like, maybe I—

Are you guys connected and you don't know it? Like maybe you both swiped and didn't know.

No, I just looked and I was like, I don't know.

Did you swipe on— I mean, I don't want to put you on the spot.

I think I did, lowkey.

Whoa. This is amazing. Ooh. Okay. Well, that's all we need. Now we can unpack this with Natalie. Thanks for coming on.

That's all. That's it.

I mean, well, what kind of woman are you looking for?

Yeah, just a salt of the earth woman. Wait, could you imagine?

What about salty?

Yes, that's her.

Loves to go out.

How old are you?

31.

Dude, Nat, this is like perfect. How old are you?

31?

20? 21?

No, 31.

Oh no, I was like, Jesus. No, I'm 28.

Okay, that's like good. No, 31 to 28 is like almost perfect.

Classic Hollywood manipulative age gap.

Yeah, that's really good. And then, okay, wow. Yeah. Do you do any sports?

I'm 30. What do you mean?

Well, what do you— what do you—

I play high school soccer.

Well, what are your—

pickleball?

Okay. What are your hobbies? Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies.

I mean, I make music for a living, so probably that's like the main one. But yeah, I also don't understand how audio equipment works. But I don't know. I just do outside shit.

Natalie's an outdoors girl. She was in college. She was studying Plants.

Environmental science.

Environmental science.

That's very outdoorsy.

Where if you were to take Natalie on a first date, I don't know if you're a first date kind of guy, if you go on dates or if you—

I mean, how do you avoid it? You just get to the second date?

Well, I'm just usually like a go for like a car ride type of guy. I'm not really like a location, like restaurant kind of guy.

Really?

Yeah.

I'm more of a working out type of guy.

Really?

Like I like restaurants a lot. So that's, I mean, that's probably one of my hobbies, like going to new restaurants.

So, oh my gosh, we have so much in common.

I'd say like, this isn't like my move necessarily, but like Anna Jack Down the Street is pretty good.

Oh, the Thai place. I've never been.

Wow.

Okay.

It's pretty fire.

And your last relationship, was it a long time ago or like 2 years ago? It's perfect. He's like, he's ready. This wouldn't be a rebound. This would be a serious thing. Are you looking to be in a relationship or not? Really?

I don't really know. I'm like, I live by myself and I'm like pretty content and like, I like, you know, I don't really want to like, I don't want to fuck anything up, you know? I'm pretty happy right now, but you know, I'm open to it.

Do it.

Okay, same, same. Amen.

Okay, cool. Yeah, I don't know what to say because I don't want to ruin this.

I don't know what to say either.

Natalie, how did you know he was in music?

Because I've definitely looked at his—

No, she's— Yeah, she definitely knows him. Yeah.

And, and did you— Mystery man, did you really forget your wallet?

No, I really do.

I still haven't found it.

I don't know where it is.

My friends are waiting outside and I drove them all here because that is the move.

I don't even know why you guys wanted me on this podcast. You guys were like, yo, can you be on this podcast? And I was like, nah, I'm good. Oh yeah, I don't want to be on a podcast.

You're probably scared of just telling the fucking Natalie's really into him. Um, all right, you're good, you're good. Thank you so much for doing that.

Thanks for coming in.

Natalie.

Christian.

Well, if you guys— all right, you guys want to exchange info or is that too much? Sure.

Yeah.

Wow. Hell yeah.

Look at you, you love the matchmaker. You're such a little teenage girl. You are such a little age girl dating.

I've never been this nervous in my life. Oh, fuck.

You love it. You love to connect people. Wow. Get a charge off of it.

I was— I feel like Natalie should have been talking more, and I didn't know what to say anymore.

Well, you went right to the pickleball court, right? Yeah. Maybe for the second part of the podcast, we'll look for the wallet.

We'll see how much money he has in there. Oh, a black card! Bye. Thank you. Thank you.

Maybe we should help him find his wallet.

I'm scared.

Good job.

He's very handsome.

Yeah, Natalie, very—

he's still here.

Why are you—

he's got crazy eyes.

Very handsome. He's right out here.

You're hot, dude.

Wait, Nat, how did you feel about that?

I'm really nervous.

Tay's laughing in the back. Um, that was not bad. Now you did— he goes for Tay. He's like, I'll help you find the wallet.

Mr. Pretty Blue Eyes.

Who gets credit for that, David or Alex?

Um, Alex.

Okay.

Oh really?

Nice job.

Oh, I think it's a mix. I think it's a mix.

You sealed the deal.

Well, I started the deal, lost the deal, Alex brought it back, Natalie sealed it, to be honest.

Natalie, you're real good. You played nice and cool.

Wait, you played it really cool even though you didn't say much. You didn't seem like you were panicking.

Yeah, I'm really good at like calm composure.

Did you see how nervous I got?

Dude, I thought—

Well, 'cause you were like really, I mean, you were holding down the fort. You were like taking control of the conversation.

I felt like you were flirting more than that.

Well, I didn't know why no one was talking and I hate silence. So I was like really freaking out.

Yeah.

And I was freaking out 'cause initially he felt 50/50 on coming on the podcast. Yeah.

Like he didn't wanna be on the podcast.

I was like 0/100.

And you haven't finished in years, so.

Yeah. And I haven't came in years. This is my first time coming. I came mid-conversation. This usually never happens.

Oh my God.

Ew. Wow, so would you consider— would you go on that date with him?

I think so, yeah.

Wait, what did you— what did you— what did just happen? What happened? Did you guys exchange information?

He just got my Instagram information.

I'm a fucking idiot. Cool. Are you in love with Nelly? Are you gonna have a wet dream tonight about this guy?

I don't know, maybe.

Wow, good for you.

Um, yeah, I don't know. I think that went well, right?

Yeah, he has good taste in restaurants.

Yeah, that's true.

I like that he, you know, was like Likes to go out to eat.

I also, you know what I like? We didn't get that many questions in because I was nervous and I was doing a really bad job. Um, but I did like that he, when I asked him, he's like, are you looking for a girlfriend? He's like, I don't know, maybe. Like, I like the, like, I like that he's not like fishing for it like me. He's just, he's just sort of like, if it comes, it comes. He's secure. He lives by himself. He doesn't want to fuck up his own happiness.

Yes.

Which is big. That's a green flag for for, I'm in a good spot, I don't need anybody right now. And that's actually when you can use somebody, when you don't need anyone else.

Yeah. Whoa, David, dropping knowledge.

Yeah, that's very good, Natalie. This is—

so why don't you take your own advice and fuck him? No, stop looking.

No, I've already told you I'm done.

You're done.

Um, but yes, remember 2 days ago when you told us he was done?

No, I'm sticking to this. I'm being serious. That's why I've canceled our trips to Europe. Because I don't even— yes, I have no desire to look. I don't—

you can go to Europe without like a pursuit of—

nope. Everything in my life I have ever done has been in the pursuit of love, and I'm canceling everything and I'm just gonna sit at home and I'm gonna wait till I hear a beautiful voice on Warzone, Call of Duty. And if I hear a girl that sounds sexy enough, I'm gonna be like, what's your Instagram? I'm gonna fly you out from whatever country you live in.

You suck at this game, pussy.

Sheila?

Sheila?

Is that you?

Um, no, but my friend from high school met his current girlfriend he's been dating for 2 years on this game called Valorant. They started talking and he flew out to meet her. I think she lived in Canada and they've been going at it ever since. So there is a possibility I could find someone on Call of Duty.

Gee, how do you hook up with somebody on Call of Duty?

Well, you have to do it in real life. You can't—

Yeah, but I mean, what's the beginning process? Like, hey, great, great job in the lobby.

The fact that you even know the term lobby is fucking insane.

Same. Wait, what? What? I wonder even how that comes about. Have you ever picked up a girl on there, Alex?

No, I—

well, when you hear—

probably such a rare case.

When you hear a girl on COD, every girl sounds hot. Okay, so it's really tough. Okay, girls just sound—

and every guy in the lobby just goes, girl, girl, girl.

Like the most misogynistic— every guy either goes really misogynistic or super horny. It's like, it's not a safe place for a woman on Call of Duty.

What do they say? What do they say?

Say? I mean, it's that everyone goes, girl, girl, girl, or they go, go back to the fucking kitchen, make us a sandwich, bitch. It's like, it's one or the other. Like, you're either sipping over the girl or you're like, there's no room for girls in this lobby. Yeah, it's a very dangerous place. I'm proud of you, Nat.

Really? Did I do well? I was like, I really panicked and then I tried to just reel it back in the moment, you know? You should be like, oh, it's chill. Like, I don't even, I don't even care about you.

You played it so chill. —well, and so did he—where both, both of you guys looked like you guys didn't even care.

Yeah, Natalie doesn't need the help. Why don't you help your other friends, Alex?

Yeah, I'm literally running his Hinge. Taylor's cat just DM'd me. I posted a— I posted a video of Taylor making me food, and Taylor's cat Theodore DM'd me saying, so that's what she does at work. I have a feeling Taylor's running this account. Okay, sorry. All right. Yeah. How did you meet? How did you meet those guys?

Just a friend of a friend.

Do you ever let people think that you own the house? No, no.

What? No.

He asked me if I ever let people think I own the house.

It's a great place, Alex. Only girls.

Well, yeah, we all pitch in.

I have a story that could spice this up a little bit. Alita can tell it better if you want to have her on.

Alita, we had to call you because Alex— well, you set this up.

I feel like I know where this is going.

Wait, am I talking into the mic?

Oh my God, I know where this is going. So we went to Zouk. Yes. Oh, I'm waiting for it to connect with Natalie. Yes, yes, yes. Okay, so I've been making jokes about Alex and Natalie hooking up for a really long time now.

Oh, there it is. Okay, I got it.

For like 3 or 4 months. And then we were out together getting drunk at the club, Jay. Yeah. And Alita, who's our mutual friend, was like to Alex, hey Al, I think if you have any chance to hook up with Natalie, tonight's your night, right? Is that what she said? I don't remember.

I thought she was saying like, I think Natalie's trying to fuck you.

I know that's how you definitely That's how I translated it. Yeah. Yeah. So what, Alita, what did you say?

I think I was like, oh, Alec, what's going on with Natalie? I do. I think she might be down. Right. It started like, it was like little by little. What did you know?

How did you respond to that? You were like, oh, okay. So tonight I should go for it. No, no, no.

I told her what you said previously that like you've been trying to do this for like 8 months. Yeah. And for a while it was like getting me, like I was very awkward around Natalie. I told you, motherfucker.

I told David.

Oh yeah, bro, I know for sure. Hold on, Aaliyah, I gotta call you back. Yeah, that's so weird that you said that because I was making these jokes and then Natalie pulled me to the side and Natalie was like, hey, can you chill with those jokes because Alex is starting to take them like seriously or he's being really awkward about it. Yes, because you fucking— it's easy to get in my head, so that's why I didn't want to say anything because obviously you're going to just pounce on it even more. And so I'm like, fuck, I can't say anything. And I was like, and I was like, Natalie, Obviously he's not gonna fucking go for you. We've been friends forever. No, no, that'd be like incestual. And then, and then Alita told me this story in New York. Alita was like, yeah, I told Alex to go for Natalie and Alex was kind of like into it. And he was like, yeah, okay, I guess I'll try. And this is how Alita told me it. Okay. And in New York I'm like, wait, Alex said that he'd actually be down to go for Natalie?

What are you talking about?

Me like that in my seat? And I literally started like, I couldn't breathe because I was just like, no, no, no, that's not possible. That's not possible. This is just a joke.

This is just a joke.

It was like all turning on me. And Alita and Mikayla and all like the girls I was with, they were like, why is this such a big deal? What's going on? I'm like, because we're all best friends from our hometown. This is like, in my head, this is as incest as it gets. Like, like literally illegal in my head, right? Like, that's why me and Natalie would never work. That's why Natalie and any of us would never work. Yeah. And I was like panicking. I was like, no way Alex would go for her. No way. Alex knows better.

Alex knows better than that. Knows better? What are you talking about? You're the only— no offense, this is not like to inflate my own ego, but you're the only person in this friend group that has said that they will never touch me ever in a million years. Everybody else either has or says that they would.

Everybody else has fucked me. Wait, wait, wait. Okay, Al. Okay, sorry. I guess you're right. Like Natalie's very attractive, but no, you know, you wouldn't hook up with her. No. Okay. Because there was one moment we asked you how many shots it would take to hook up with Natalie and you said one. Yes. And then I thought about it for 4 months and I'm like, no, it's fucking weird shit. Okay. So you're regretting that's where the joke stemmed, right? That's why I started giving you shit. Right. Come on.

Like, let's be— if I was— if Alex and I went out drinking— Natalie's getting offended.

Natalie's getting offended. Natalie's like, okay, go finish.

No, I don't even want to finish. No, just say it.

Sorry, because I cut you off. Say it.

Has Alex been in your dreams?

If Alex and I went out, had a night, were drinking, whatever, and we came back and I put a move on him, I'm sure Alex would reciprocate. Why would he not? Why would— there's literally no—

It depends how aggressive you are.

If it's like, whoa, goddamn, she's got I got in the picture, I'm fucked. Oh, the mystery man.

I mean, that is true. Yeah, there's no— I mean, Alex, yeah, right? I'm sure if I—

David, are you stupid?

It would have to be so like blatantly obvious.

Yes, I would have to be like, let's go upstairs right now, or just start making out with you or something.

Even if she had me like upstairs in the bedroom, whatever, she would have to like fucking grab my balls. Like, I don't think—

yeah, it's not that fucking hard. If I wanted to make out or do something with Alex, I would Do it, do it.

What is going on?

I think that what really is bothering you is that you just wouldn't want to lose Natalie in that way. That's the deep thing here.

No, I don't think things— I don't think about things like that. No, no, you sure? I've actually lost one of my best friends. Yeah, well, probably just because we are living in different places, but to hooking up. Yeah, but I still don't look at things like that.

You hooked up with somebody and now you're not friends anymore? Anymore. Now we are. Yeah, but not as much.

Well, that's just because we don't live next to each other. Actually, there was for a year where we didn't talk as much, but now we talk a lot. Yeah, so I don't know. So Natalie, you're saying that Alex would for sure fuck you if you put a move on him, and Alex is standing right here 5 feet away from you, and you're saying this straight into his eyes. Al, you— what do you think about this?

Al, why would he not? Like, I don't— I don't— like, I'm not saying this because I'm the hottest person in the world. I'm just saying, like, we're like a guy and a girl. If we thought— if we wanted to, like, do something with each other, like, you just do it. Like, who cares, you know? Like, it just— it happens.

How?

I care, I have feelings.

I mean, the reason why we wouldn't is because there is like such a strong friendship there and you don't want to ruin that, per se.

Let's let Alex speak. Alex, would you— if Natalie grabbed your balls and you guys are under that circumstance, if she grabs— if she grabs you, she pulls a move on you and it's very direct, would you have sex with her? Yeah. I don't know about like full-on. Holy—

I don't know about full-on, just half. Holy shit.

I don't No.

Holy fuck.

What would you do?

A week?

What?

They said do 2 podcasts a week, and here we are breaking the friend group and tearing it apart. I don't like—

I like— that's like so— that's pretty normal. It's pretty—

what would you do, David, if Natalie grabbed my balls? Yeah, I'd punch her in the jaw. Yeah, right. Are you kidding me? No way. No, I'd just grab her by the neck and I'd push her back. Really? What are you on, fucking meth? I don't know. You think I have to stoop so low? Natalie, a lot closer.

Yeah. David and I's friendship is so different than my friendship with anybody else.

Yeah, I can smell her when she walks in. I know her scent. Right. Like better than I know anybody. It's so distinct.

Well, my mom always says, and my mom's never wrong, that Natalie and David will end up together. There's times that I think that. Yeah, wait, what do you think? Yeah, you think that?

I think if it's like a, if they're not married by 40 type of thing, like there's a chance. I say 35.

Brother, she's all yours. Natalie, grab his balls. Alex, grab her tits and fuck her.

First of all, when you say that, it makes me feel like like you don't think that I'm a nice match for somebody.

No, I think it's the incest thing. No, wait, what?

I do. I literally hype you up to all the guys we see, but I'm just— I just feel like Alex is like one of our brothers. It's like weird that you're like pursuing him with your little fucking horny antics. I'm not. You've been weirdly horny lately. It's freaking me out. No, we're having like a role reversal going on here. Usually I'm the horny guy, and Natalie's for sure adopted the horny traits.

Alex, no more pickleball with guys shirtless out there, please.

At least not at noon on a Wednesday.

Okay, you know that's when Natalie's horniest mid-work week, mid-work day, mid-podcast.

Hey guys, can you actually keep your shirts on? They're in there doing a podcast. Natalie's horny as hell.

Which one's Natalie? She's the one fucking slapping over there. She's the one drooling behind the screen over there.

Wait, how did this come about? She was like looking out the window distracted and you're like, what are you doing?

I made a joke in the living room. I was like, why are there 4 shirtless men playing pickleball on a Wednesday at noon? Okay.

And then so normal to play pickleball at that time. What?

No, it's not. It's like, there's— David, there's never been 4 men playing pickleball at noon on a Wednesday. Okay, fair, fair, fair. And then I looked out and I looked at the guy and I was like, I recognize him from somewhere. And then I like couldn't put my finger on it. And then I was like, oh, I think maybe it was Raya. I don't know. And then, yeah.

Jay, you don't have anything to add on this? I don't know.

I think people hook up all the time. I mean, there's friend groups and people see people and they hook up and then they start dating somebody else I mean, you had something when they grew up together, though.

To be honest, like, the fact that you and I have never done anything is like pretty insane. No, oh, don't fucking—

don't, don't turn your fucking— yeah, why isn't that—

that is the truth.

Turn your bean on me here.

Also, you have to, you have to remember, like, you're right, and that's because of me, not because of you.

Don't point your titties at me.

Your, your idea of— you may think it's incestual, but Alex may not feel that may not feel that way.

The main reason why I'm sure David and I would have like kissed or somewhere along the way at some point, it's just because we have a professional relationship that like, yeah, that never happened.

That boundary was never broken. Dumb. You think just because we make money together I don't want to have sex with you? No, I'm—

first of all, I'm not even—

I don't have sex with you because I think you're gross. Okay, whatever.

I think you're fucking disgusting too.

Great, so let's fucking draw the line there.

I'm just saying, yes, right now in this moment it's not happening, but I'm just saying like, stop talking like it's ever gonna happen. No, I'm saying in the past Dummy.

Past, present, future multiverse anywhere. Oh my God, it's not happening. It's not happening. And it shouldn't happen in this friend group. I hate to draw the line, but like, Al, it's fine. It's not going to happen. We're family here, okay? We're going to be okay. Don't want anything to get ruined here by people fucking. Okay, Ilias tried with Natalie. That was fine. That was like weird. Yeah, why did he get to do it? Yeah, okay, whatever.

Wait, what happened?

He made out with her and then like, oh, cut over.

Fine, if, if, if people— if you guys suddenly need to experiment by fucking each other, let's just get it out of the way this weekend. That is super dumb. I put on an event. You sell tickets. What? Best friends fought for the first and final time. You will see Natalie and Alice go at it. Tag team in John Castro. And when they're done, Ilya Fedorovich gets one last chance at love. Will he make it through the bushy, bushy bush? Ew.

So I guess what happened here was you made a lot of jokes and it backfired on you.

Yeah, I think I got to keep my mouth shut. Or something's gotta get shut. That's it, I'm ending this topic. Actually, maybe ending this podcast. I'm going back to zero a week, I think, on the podcast after this. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. I think it's about time we ended here. Go take some showers, reflect on what we've said. Go have some dreams. Go have some dreams with Natalie, Alex, whatever you gotta do, whatever messages you gotta send.

Wish Jason a happy birthday. Wish what?

Friday. Yeah, Friday.

When? Friday.

Oh, oh, never mind.

We'll do that next podcast. It'll be over.

Yeah, you should do it now. The buildup is happening.

All right, go wish Jason a happy birthday.

A big, big party this weekend. This Friday, big party. You gonna be there, Al? Saturday. What's Saturday? Saturday we're having a party with a big— bigger party. Yeah, yeah, I'm there.

Saturday.

It's a big deal. You know what's great? You invite people places, they, they get excited. Amazing.

Um, welcome to Earth, and we'll see you guys next podcast episode on Tuesday. See you guys later. This has been Views.