Giving My Student a Massage

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. Jason calls me Captain Autistic now. What the fuck is up with that?

Because we were recording and he's like, you want to restart it so we know what we're at?

How's that autistic?

Huh?

How's that autistic?

Well, with that and then the other day with the headphones and then the way you yell at everybody.

Because we've been recording for 4 minutes and we We weren't actually recording. I never did the intro. So I was like, can you restart the podcast so I could see the time? Joke's on you. So I know exactly when we're at 45 minutes.

We're at 4:57.

Okay. You didn't reset it?

I did. I pressed it, but it just started re-recording on the same project. He just paused.

He didn't reset it. Son of a bitch.

Yeah.

You really are turning into like grumpy old man. Really? Yeah.

When is the last— Natalie asked a great question. What did you ask?

When is the last time you genuinely have taken a full day off of your phone, completely offline? Have you ever?

No porn.

Yeah, no porn.

No porn. Oh my God. I mean, I guess I just got OnlyFans yesterday.

Shut up.

Yeah, you're on there?

Yeah, yeah. No, I got like— I got it like to like look.

Yeah, you've never gone on before?

No, I've gone on it once, uh, because Ilya used to like go on it. Ilya hasn't gone on in like 2, 3 years, which is like a really big deal for him. Yeah, but I got it. Yeah, I got it yesterday. Again, I used Alex's credit card. I know I'm an adult, but for some reason it I feel so weird putting my own credit card information in on that website. So I use my friend's credit card.

The accounts will not judge you. They don't care.

How much you spend?

Uh, $170.

Shut the fuck up.

You spent $170?

Yeah, that's Alex's money.

On what?

Yeah, I pay him back, obviously. This fucking girl, man, it was just— everything was titled wrong. It was all clickbait.

It was not put together properly.

I just was, yeah, I've never been on it. So I was like trying to figure it out.

You're just like fully investing. You're diving in.

I mean, it is a fuck. It's fucking crazy, man.

How many pictures do you get for $170?

Yeah, what did you get?

So like, I bought like—

That's insane. This is so crazy.

Don't tell us the story like headlines. I don't wanna know the headlines. I just wanna know what was the content.

No, dude, the fucking headlines are disgusting.

Ew.

Yeah, no, no, no. I mean, it's like porn titles. But it's like, no, actually not that disgusting.

It's like, I'm a nurse and I'm here to help you.

You know, it's like, Stuff like that. It's not like super XXX.

Was she a nurse?

I paid— she was a nurse.

Was it in a doctor's set or was it in her house?

Uh, in her house. No, she didn't go like all out vlog for it.

She didn't rent a set.

No, I also don't like when that's like the vibe because it's like a bit.

You're the one clicking on a nurse video.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm the problem. Um, no, I paid for one, for one picture.

Oh God.

For one set, I paid $50.

What?

Who is this woman?

It doesn't matter. That's not what I'm saying.

That's not what the thing is.

No, but it's okay. Sorry.

But Irina, calm.

It's $50 and it was 4 slides of photos. And I was just like, what?

4?

It's completely a carousel of 4 photos.

Yeah.

Wow. $50.

$50.

I could not believe it. But I bought it because it was $50. Like, I bought it because it was the most expensive option.

Oh yeah.

On her page. I was like, this has got to be like the craziest fucking shit of all time.

This is insane. Was it?

Yeah. It's so crazy. And it's like, there is no one to— I know, I love how people love being like, girls are being slutty and doing this. There's nobody to blame other than men, for sure. Like, I was fucking knee-deep in that shit, spending my— like, like, have I talked about this? Like, when Karuna gets a comment like, yeah, but all that money's from showing your boobs, it's like, no, all that money's from you, commenter, being horny. That's where all that money's from. Like, it has nothing— you know, I don't know, it's like 10 times more shame on you for the guy.

I gotta get on this shit, man.

Was it full, uh, was the girl nude? Uh, or barely?

No, no, not, not even, right?

It wasn't nude.

No, but that's how she was titling it. She was like, oh my god, well, because all the titles are like so misleading. It's like, I'm showing it all today. Yeah, but it's like, and then I'll even— I can't believe I fall for this shit, but some of them will be like, I can't believe OnlyFans isn't taking this down. And I'm like, and I click on it because I'm in my head, I'm like Obviously this is clickbait, but like, what is she possibly saying that she's like trying to convince you that OnlyFans would take down?

Um, but yeah, so we had this girl over.

I'm gonna put it in the next vlog, so I don't want to spoil it, but we had this girl over who like makes a lot of money on OnlyFans. Whatever, long story short, um, Natalie is like completely inspired. Yeah, by this platform. Yeah, she's like, I'm, I'm gonna sign up for it.

What's it gonna be like when your manager's on OnlyFans making more money than you?

I would—

I don't know. I told her this, I, I said, I said, go ahead, do OnlyFans, but like you need You need to hire a new manager. I learned a new phrase the other day from a fellow YouTuber. And I was telling everybody, I was telling him how much I pay everyone. And I told him about a certain person that I pay and he goes, whoa, that's way too much if they're not only 1,000% focusing on you. He says, when I hire someone, especially for that amount of money, I want their shower thoughts. And I thought that was a really interesting thing. Shower thoughts.

I mean, it's a little bit like dictatory, but—

No, but like for being creative, like, nah, it's not dictatory. If you're paying somebody like over $250,000 a year, like you want them to be like breathing what you're doing.

No, for sure.

That's not a job that you're just like, that you want them clocking in and out of. You want them like ideating when they get home.

Trying to figure which employee is not giving you shower thoughts because it's John. He's thinking about cheeseburgers.

But Natalie, Natalie's like now pretty gung-ho about like doing the whole OnlyFans.

I just think it's crazy. Like, it's so—

that's why I bring up shower thoughts, because I'm like, I'm like, yeah, you can go do it, go do it. You'll be super wealthy and like, we'll hang out all the time. But like, I don't want you also managing me.

I just don't know. Like, I don't think that Well, one, I actually genuinely love my job, so I don't really want to give it up, but it is a lot of work. Like, if I could just passively make 10 times more than I'm making now, like, why wouldn't I do that? You know, that's the constant debate that I have in my head.

Is it a lot of work to post photos every day?

No, no, no. I'm saying my work with David.

Oh, oh, oh.

Posting photos of myself is incredibly easy.

She does that currently now.

Right. For free.

Yeah. I don't know how she does it, but, but Yeah, I don't know. I feel like—

What do you think?

Well, there's—

you're also like, your mindset has always been like— it's unfortunate there is a stigma around it, right? There's a stigma around OnlyFans.

Well, I don't think I would do OnlyFans. I think I would do something like a Pass. It's like, I don't—

dude, it's the same shit, bro. It's just a different title. Same shit.

Yeah, but I'm— you're not like— I'm not spreading my legs and having sex.

You don't have to. You don't spread your legs and have sex on OnlyFans, for the love of God. There's people on OnlyFans that have cooking channels.

No, I know, I know that, but I'm just saying, like, you're just—

you're literally just like You're stereotyping all of OnlyFans.

It's not what it is.

No, but I'm saying that like really high earners on OnlyFans are doing stuff like that. Like they are.

Maybe. I mean, I don't think like Cardi B is like doing the nastiest thing. I think Cardi B's being like Cardi B. Yeah. Like, I don't know. I don't, who's like the highest? Like Tyga's really, I think Tyga's actually having sex though. Probably.

I read somewhere that Tyga makes like $30, $40 million a year. Yeah, just alone.

Like makes more than his music.

Yeah.

Wow.

Isn't that incredible?

Wow.

So yeah, I don't know. Yeah.

All right. So you're saying just like, fuck the haters, fuck the stigma.

What I was getting to, I do think fuck the stigma, but I think you are very like, you have two sides to you. You're like, you really are like divergent when it comes to like how you want to live your life. You're very LA-centric just because you're born here, but your roots are—

I wasn't born here.

Sorry, sorry. Because you've lived here, but you're very grounded in your Vernon Hills, Chicago suburbs ways. So it's like there's two sides of you battling, like free the nipple or go back home and race or button up and work.

And it's unfortunately it's two different—

it's as of now it's two different things. Like you can't have that Chicago suburbia lifestyle most likely with the stigma of what is like posting a lot of nudes. It's a little bit different sometimes. Sometimes.

Well, that's why I'm like maybe doing a past or something is better because there's less of a stigma.

Sure.

Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I say go for it. I've always said this. If I was a fucking chick, yeah, 100%, I'm doing OnlyFans. No shame. There's no shame in that. Just fucking let it out. We were born naked.

Well, I don't want to let it out. It's not like I don't want to do that.

Don't let it out.

But you're just like, do what you got to do.

What do you think the downside of it is?

Of doing OnlyFans?

Yeah.

$10 million.

I think the only downside is like people saying stuff like kind of what I just said really loosely.

Sure.

Is like, well, what if you want to get married one day? Like, that is the only— but it's only people saying it. I don't even think it actually applies in real life. Like, I don't think— like, I don't think that— like, like, there— I think there's a moment where Karina was like, I want to stop, whatever, because like, I want to like find someone. Like, Karina, like, I don't think that fucking matters. Like, right?

Like, like, yeah, like, your soulmate is your soulmate.

Yeah, like, I think you're gonna find someone to love you for I think so. Whoever you are, I don't think it's a big deal.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, maybe I'm just like so like knee-deep in this fucking LA thing and like, and like, uh, it depends on who you're looking for, like who you're willing to be in a relationship.

Like, I don't know.

I just don't know, dude. That's not true. That's not— I don't, I don't look at any— I don't look at anybody from those places.

I just think that, but once you like want to settle down, I mean, obviously this is me coming from my own perspective in place, but once you want to like settle down and like, my concern is like, I am old. Like, I do want to have a family. I do want to get married, like, pretty soon, right? I mean, I wanted to already kind of be there already, but I'm not. But like, what's my— okay, we're on mommy's yacht in 10 years, and my kids are gonna be like, Mommy, how'd we get this yacht?

And I'd be like, oh, uh, fuck that. I don't think it's like that.

But they won't— they like— I don't know what they—

it's not like that because your kids love you. So anyway, anyways, you could be on death row.

I don't know.

It's not like that.

I just wouldn't want other people.

We also have, like, we have very, like, I think our ideology is very, like, leaning towards one direction right now. Like, I know, I know some people listening to this, Harry Styles, especially from the Midwest, or maybe like anywhere else, would be like, what the fuck are these guys saying? Do you know what I mean?

Like, in what way? Sure.

Well, like, I feel like this is like a pretty—

that's just how it's how we feel.

It's like a polarizing conversation. Like, I'm really curious what people would think about this. Like, yeah, how much it affects— like, I think wherever you are in the world, this is a completely different viewpoint.

You're not going to marry a preacher for sure.

Not—

nope.

I don't know. But yeah, well, I do support your journey.

Really?

Didn't you have an OnlyFans at one point? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, did you really?

No.

Oh, oh, I thought he did.

No, I think he joked about it or whatever.

I joked about— why would I do that? To be embarrassed and make no money? I can do that without being on OnlyFans.

There's definitely a market for you out there.

I don't think so.

Really?

I can't do that.

If you go to heaven, right?

Yeah.

And you get to kind of like set up your next life or whatever.

Yeah.

You're going to re-up as a man or are you going to go woman? You really got to think outside the box here because it's like, it is really hard to not say you're going to re-up as a man.

Yeah.

Would you run it back as a man or woman? Natalie, I know your answer.

I love being a man.

I love it. You like being a man?

It's so good. It's so great.

Okay.

It's just so easy.

I couldn't—

like, when I see Naveen getting ready and it's taking a while and she's like choosing outfits and putting so much into it.

But don't they like kind of like that? Like, I think a girl can like decide whether or not she wants to.

It looks stressful to be a girl. It looks really stressful.

It is pretty stressful.

Yeah, but like, don't like— don't like girls— like, it's a pain in the ass, but like girls like that.

Sure, they like to look pretty once they get there.

And if they don't want to do it, like, don't they just not do it? Do you know what I mean?

I mean, I dress like a complete slob and it's fine.

Yeah, but like, you could do that as a girl, but you would just be a slobby girl.

I don't know. Yeah, I guess. I just feel girls feel more pressure. Hey, I thought of something the other day that was interesting. Like, you know, the whole bathroom thing. Like, you know, like, what bathroom can you use, how you identify. I'm all for anybody using any bathroom. Okay. Okay, like, I'm very liberal in that way. You know, like if you identify as a woman, go use the women's bathroom, that's great. But I did have a thought the other day, which was I was going to the bathroom and I was going to do number 2, and I passed a woman and I was like, "Oh, like if I went into the bathroom right now and I identified as a woman, like that's gonna be a fuck— I'm gonna blow that bathroom up." Do you know what I mean?

Like you don't think women shit like that?

I don't think so. Not like me. You know what I mean?

Oh, really?

Yeah, so that was just something I never thought of.

You honestly haven't—

Again, use any bathroom you want.

That's—

you haven't— you haven't lived with Natalie.

You've never smelt her poop.

What? Dude, what do you—

you probably go in there and sniff it after, like Jonah's skit.

Okay, so what is it?

Is that where Jonah gets all his skit ideas from?

Wait, what is that? We had to have Tony the plumber come by every week because of me.

Dude, you had 18 million people in and out of that house every single day.

Natalie, just me and you that lived in that house.

No, I understand we lived there, but there was 20 people there every day filming, every day, all day, taking shits, putting their tampons in the drain, doing all the things.

I will say, I think the biggest shit The worst pooper in the house is actually probably Zane. He doesn't even live.

For sure. Zane shits himself as he's walking.

Wait, that is really interesting about Zane.

Openly.

Zane has like this like whole method.

He farts on command.

Well, he could do that. It was crazy. We were filming. We were filming. I was doing like a voiceover for a vlog and Zane was sitting next to me while I edit. And I was like, I need a fart sound for this.

You got one?

He's like, yeah.

And he just lets it out.

Crazy.

How's that fucking possible?

I don't know.

Yes, I got it.

Do you use it?

How is it? No, I never used it, but I just could not believe it. I'm like, how the fuck did you just do that? Literally out of nothing. It's a true thing. But Zane has this thing where he comes over to work out, he takes his pre-workout, and he's in the bathroom for 30, 40 minutes. And it's really funny. And it's during rush hour of the house. He's in that bathroom because I've knocked on that door. I've knocked on the bathroom 30+ times and Zane's like, yeah. He's always, always using that thing. So that is pretty impressive. At what age did your mom stop wiping your butt? It's a good question.

I mean, I was probably like wiping my ass at 2, dude.

Same. Yeah.

No, you were wiping your own ass maybe at 13, 14.

Um, it's a big step when you get to go in there by yourself.

No, it was probably—

it was really late.

It was like 7, 8, or 9 or something. Yeah, it's really embarrassing.

Well, you're already in school.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It was embarrassing.

Did you ever have— I don't know why, but my friend—

oh yeah.

Are you serious? Are you just— I just didn't want to completely talk over you.

You told Natalie to bring more to the podcast.

I did.

I didn't want to lose my train of thought here about this poop story.

No, I'm going on poop.

Oh, okay. Sorry, sorry. I didn't know. I thought you're gonna change the topic.

Go.

I am changing the topic, motherfucker. Fuck you. Oh dude, fuck. Um, no, when I was like in kindergarten, we had these bathrooms that— yes, there was two toilets in the bathroom.

Oh yeah.

And you would go in with a buddy Wait, what? Yeah, I also— I went to like a Catholic, like, I don't know if that's like a weird thing. You never had that?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Like, there would be one— there'd be in this— there'd be one—

it would be a one stall with two toilets.

Yeah, be a room, like a bathroom, and there was two toilets straight across.

Are you sure it wasn't like—

my kids had that in preschool.

What? Yeah, it's called go with a buddy.

I don't know what it's called, but I always thought it was so weird. It's called everybody go to the bathroom at the same time.

Oh, that's fucking really strange. What I thought—

on the toilet across from the other kid.

What I thought you're going to bring up is the, the fact that in our elementary school our bathrooms were in our classroom.

Yeah, that would— that is kind of crazy.

How the fuck? Like, I cannot believe—

well, but you're so young, they don't want the kids wandering, getting lost or whatever, right?

I don't know.

I don't know, dude. Elementary school, like, you're pretty old. Like, like, I—

you're 8, dude. You're 8 in third grade.

I'm talking like The 4th or 5th grade. I felt like I was pretty conscious.

The 4th and 5th grade, we did not have bathrooms in our classrooms.

What are you talking about? That is exactly when we had them. Ms. Park's class, I had it in there. I tell my favorite story of this girl I had a crush on who went to go use the bathroom. This was in a podcast maybe years, years ago.

Oh, and then she shit and then you walked in?

No, worse, worse. She went to the bathroom, she came out, And then she went to go sit back down and I was just like looking at her just because I was like, my eyes were just wandering. And she put her fingers in her butt and she smelled them and then she ran back into the bathroom.

Oh, I didn't like that.

I didn't like that. Like anybody that went to go pee, you could hear the water hitting the—

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you wouldn't go in there because you'd be— you feel like people make fun of you or something? Did you hear people pee?

I'm just super pee shy. I can't even pee. Like, I'll go into bathrooms now and if like, it's like The urinals are all next to— dude, I went into— we were at a club the other day and cocaine's really prevalent in Los Angeles. You see more people do blow than smoke cigarettes by like 5x, right? Cocaine is like a beer here. I don't even know how to explain it. It's everywhere. But it was really funny. I walked into— it was like a nice restaurant. There was two urinals. There's a divider on the urinal. And the guy was peeing next to his buddy and he put the cocaine on top of the divider and did it off of it as he was peeing.

Oh my God.

I came in, he's like, hey Dave. And I go, hi, sorry to interrupt. He's like, you want some? I'm like, I'm so good, thank you. Which is really funny. And I was like, I asked him, I was like, is that not like gross? Like doing it off of there? And he goes, no, I wiped it down with an alcohol swab.

This guy, he came fucking prepared.

This is like a routine to him. He took an alcohol swab and wiped down the bathroom.

You know he's having dinner there like once or twice a week too.

I know he knows that place inside and out. But yeah, that's funny. That's the scariest part about LA is like, that's like the craziest part about adulting. When's like, when's it, when, when, when have you ever done like a crazy drug, Jay, that like you like came across as you were getting older?

Just the party drugs.

Like what?

Like ecstasy, molly, acid. What else have I done? I did meth once.

Oh my God. What are you talking about?

Yeah.

On accident.

Wait, how do you just do meth once?

Someone, someone like, we were about to do cocaine and we started to pivot. And then I was like, the guy was like, my friend was like, were you a big cokehead as a kid? No, no, not at all.

Okay, so wait, paint this picture, brother.

So he was like, he was like, he was like, everyone does meth because they were doing coke. Well, no, he was like, he's like, oh, you want to do some coke? And I was like, yeah, sure. And then like I got over there and he was like, He's like, oh, don't have any coke. He's like, I have this meth. And I was like, oh, that's not the same. And he's like, that's good, it's good. Don't worry about it. So I was like, okay, so I'll try it. I tried it. Fucking A, man. Fucking hell. I was up for fucking 24 hours.

Wait, what happened?

I was at Earth Cafe at like fucking 5:30 AM or 6:00 AM, whenever it opened, just like feeling great, but couldn't sleep for like 2 days. And my other friend who did it—

Wait, were you like hallucinating? I'm so confused.

No, you're—

You're just like, you're just like, I don't know what meth is really.

Alert.

Yeah, you're just like, you can do anything. I thought when you're on meth, climb a fucking tree.

I guess that's what our meth heads like. Crazy.

I thought that. I thought you like hallucinate and you're also like leaned over and like kind of not.

Well, yeah, that's, that's the end of meth. This is the one time only that I did it. Yeah.

So even on the first—

years later.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

So, I mean, I think it, I think it stops working.

It stops working.

You got to do more and more and more and then you're fucked. Yeah, I mean, I don't recommend it, but yeah, it was, uh, it was wild.

How are you with your, like, kids drinking and, like, smoking and things?

Drinking? They can do whatever they want. I don't care.

Really? Yeah. Did you ever have to have a talk with them?

I mean, yeah, I'm just like, don't, don't drink.

Did your parents talk to you like that, Natalie, or no?

Um, yeah, my mom, my mom was insane when I was a kid, and I wasn't not doing anything. I mean, I did, I did drink.

She was, like, insane, like she wanted you to do things?

No, no, no. My mom's childhood was so fucking batshit crazy that, like, she just assumed that I was gonna be doing like fucking whatever drugs and shit in Vernon Hills. And I wasn't like— that wasn't a thing at all. We would like sometimes we'd sneak, you know, like Malibu or something, you know, and like drinking that.

Oh, you all love Malibu.

The popular kids loved Malibu because it doesn't taste like alcohol, you know, it's like easy to drink. So it's like, oh, I don't think people drink it anymore.

Oh my God, that is such like a fucking core memory that I was never a part of. I always thought I was. That Malibu was actually probably the first alcohol I tasted too. That, dude, that's what I loved about Vernon Hills is like, shit, they're like, you feel like you're a fucking drug kingpin when you're doing like one little bad thing, especially when you're like younger, like, like going to buy weed in Vernon. I mean, obviously this is, we were also kids, so it actually was bad, but there was no better feeling than like, like, okay, I have the, like, tonight I'm gonna get weed.

We all got it from the same person too.

Like I always used to say, like, I didn't smoke a lot in high school. I maybe smoked like 3 or 4 times, like my entire—

You like painted yourself like when we were in high school, David was like, yeah, I smoke weed.

Well, because I was always around it. I only did it 3 or 4 times, but like, and I was the first to want to go buy weed. I love the process of it. I love the sneakiness of it. I love the exchange of a $20 crisp bill for something in a tiny Ziploc bag.

For some reason, that was my favorite part because it was so mischievous. And my favorite part was when we'd get the weed and we'd open the little bag and you'd go, no matter how it smelled, you'd go, "Yeah, smell this," you know? And you give it to your friend to smell, and like, it always smelled good because it's like your first time ever smelling weed. It's not like you're some connoisseur of marijuana, but like, that was just so exciting as like a kid. And then The little times I did smoke is like going into like just going into like a cul-de-sac and or like, like especially because it was cold outside. So like the windows started like frosting up and stuff like that.

Yeah.

And then smoking in like a neighborhood and like getting more and more. I love getting paranoid when I'm high for some reason. I just like because I know it's not real, but I just love it. Like, I love being stressed and being like, oh, what's going on? I just love that feeling. And that would happen so much when I was in cars because I was like, oh my God, like every headlight was an enemy. Every headlight was like a cop or private investigator or the FBI coming to get me.

Did you have friends that could drive high and some that couldn't? Like, I couldn't drive high, but I had a friend named Jeff. Yeah, friends that would just—

that is crazy.

And I'd be like, are you sure?

Are you sure?

He's like, bro, I am so good. And he'd go everywhere. He could go anywhere. He could drive 4 hours.

Yeah.

And I couldn't operate a car.

What's crazy to think— oh my God, this totally unlocks something for me. I remember fully believing that driving high is not illegal. I think the people I was with, I was fully convinced that you're allowed to legally drive high because it's not alcohol. So I remember I would get into cars with people that were driving high, and I remember I drove high once, and I was like— and I remember thinking to myself, I'm like, this should be illegal.

This is really difficult.

It is illegal, but there's no way for them to really take you to jail.

No, it's a 100% illegal. Yeah, it's like a— it's— yeah, it's just as bad, if not even worse. Yeah, it's really bad.

Do you ever, like— like, when I'm— if I'm like high, or if I just smoked weed or whatever, I don't know why, I like can't explain it, what the feeling is. Like, I can't explain to you what it's like to be high.

What does that make sense?

No, it just feels like you just smoked, like, whatever that sentence is.

I don't know, maybe talking about being high is like sending me into a high.

Send that— say that again.

Like, when—

like, you can't explain it, but why do you want to explain it?

Because, okay, like, for example, like, when I'll, like, think about this, I'll, like, psych myself out. I'll be— I'll be high and I'll be like— I'll wake up the next day obviously not high or something, and I'll think to myself, like, oh, I wonder what I was like. I wonder if I was, like, crazy when I was high. I wonder if I looked weird or whatever. And I always think when I'm high, I'm like, I should film myself so I can look tomorrow morning and see if I am in fact being a weirdo. But I stopped myself from filming myself because I'm like, oh, I don't want to psych myself out. Oh, like, what if this is all just a part of it? I can't film myself because I'm never supposed to know what it's like for me to be high.

Oh, so you think— that's crazy. That's how you think?

Yeah, that is a little—

I have something like that, but that's totally normal. Yeah, I have something like that with— I'll, I'll record myself high and think it's so funny, and then I watch it the next day and I'm like, I'm like, oh, I don't, I don't know.

I feel like—

oh my God, I feel like there's been a lot of good moments where like I have gotten high and I've recorded and it kind of holds Really? I mean, nothing better.

Funny.

Hi. For some reason, talking about this reminds me of our high school teacher. I don't want to say his name, but he was one of the better-looking teachers. He taught geography. Do you remember who I'm talking about?

Hell yeah, I do.

And every time he would teach, he'd put his cock on everyone's desk.

Yeah. I mean, that's a really dramatic way of saying that.

I know, but I think that's— we have to call a spade a spade.

He would just put one leg up on the desk in front of everybody.

In front of you. And he wouldn't It wasn't like doing it like in a perverted way at all. Like, do it to men and like, he just like, it was a weird like habitual pose that he would like strike in the middle of him lecturing. The only people that were fucked was the front row. Yeah, the front row of kids were going to get the balls in their mouth.

Tucked in shirt, khaki pants.

Yep, khaki pants, tight belt, tight belt, tight little khaki pants, tight package.

Uh, yeah, you saw the package.

Was he a good looking guy?

Yeah, yeah, super attractive, athletic.

Yeah, yeah. And I think like, yeah, if you were a girl in the class, was that like— what was it from your perspective? Because it was just funny for me, but like, were girls like, oh my God, it's so fucking hot? Or do you not think like that at that time?

Um, no, I think people, people would, but people thought— the girls thought it was weird.

Yeah, that was so funny. Yeah, but like, but he, he like, just to preface, he wasn't doing it in a weird way, but yeah, the way he would stand is he'd like he'd put his leg up on your chair or desk or something. Not all the way up on your desk, but like on like one of the bars under the desk.

Yeah.

Yeah. And then he'd like, and then you're going to like a lunge almost. Yeah. And then you're, yeah, it'd be like a lunge.

He's stretching.

Yeah. Like a stretch. And then his crotch would be in direct eyeline of the students.

And you just had to take it for like 20 seconds.

And he would like, he would, he would like thrust back and forth.

He'd like rock.

Like as he, yeah, he'd rock.

Sorry.

Thrust is not the right word. But like, he'd be like looking for his thoughts. He'd be teaching about, teaching teaching us about like the Middle East or like Dubai.

Yeah.

And he'd be like, yeah, Dubai is incredible. And he's fucking your face at the same time.

Um, but that was—

that's definitely one of my favorite— one of my favorite teachers. And then we do— there are so many people. Did you have pivotal teachers?

Uh, no.

What?

I just didn't. Like, like, like who?

Like, you don't remember like teachers that like changed your life?

I didn't have a teacher that changed my life.

No way.

What the fuck is that? What does that even mean?

I just didn't. There wasn't anyone that I really connected with that was just like amazing.

How is that possible?

That's crazy. I have so many.

I have so many.

Great.

It's almost to the point where like every teacher has taught me like some, like Slumdog Millionaire type shit. Like I've taken one thing from like every teacher. Like I like, I mean, I fucking, you know, I go nonstop about the stupid shit, but yeah. Well, who is, who is yours? Like who's somebody that you like pulled from?

I don't know if I like pulled from myself, but just Like I had one teacher in 6th grade. She was the language arts teacher. And this is the time where I was like super teacher's petty and like I would do book reports or whatever and everybody else I feel like would make— we had it together, the curly hair.

Okay, sure. Raw thing.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah. And she was just like, so like I always wanted to go above and beyond for like these projects or whatever, but like people like David would make me feel like a fucking idiot, you know? Like, why are you trying so hard? And she would always be like, she would always like encourage me and like she kept the kids. I had a— I was the last one to report one day on this, on Greece. I did a project on Greece. I remember this project for the rest of my life and I used actually a Taylor Swift song in my— I made this whole slideshow presentation for this project and it was going over. The bell had already rung.

You got copyrighted.

But I, but I hadn't finished my presentation. I still had to show this fucking slideshow that I made.

Right.

And everybody was trying to leave and she made everybody sit there and sit through the slideshow that I made so that I could finish my presentation. And it was things like that. She just always was really encouraging of me and so positive.

Yeah. Because she understood both sides of it. Yeah.

Here's an example.

Mr. Matush was one of my favorite teachers. I liked him. I didn't take necessarily—

why I loved him so much, he'd bike to school every day. He was very passionate about being at school. It's a middle school. So he'd He'd ride his bike and I lived right by this middle school at the time. So like anytime I'd ride by, even if it was 8:00 PM, I'd see his little bike parked right outside his window.

And I was like, oh, Mr. Matush.

He was always, always the last one to leave. And like he taught digital film.

Mm-hmm.

Which like was like a big deal to me cuz like that's kind of what I wanted, what I went out, what I wanted to get into.

And it was a big thing that he showed me that was like really like important to me. And he showed us, he really liked The Fray.

The band.

The band.

Yeah.

And he'd play us music videos from The Fray. And for some reason that was like, it's so ingrained in me that like, that's helped me like create videos because of how he was like, he's like, this is what the song is portraying and this is why this band is doing such a good job. And this is like when OK Go was big with the treadmills, the treadmill dances. And that same class was— there was a moment I sat next to this kid named David and he was in the back of the class with me. And he was talking to like a friend. And I've told this before, but this is the moment I found out that masturbating is more than just a joke.

I always thought people would always throw around the word masturbate or jerk off like as a joke in school, and I didn't know people actually did it. And they were talking to each other and they were like, what do you jerk off to? Blah, blah, blah. And then they turned to me and they're like, what do you masturbate to, David? And I laughed because I thought they were just like fucking with me. I was like, obviously I don't masturbate.

I'm not a loser.

Yeah, yeah.

That's like a loser thing to do.

Like you're jerking off?

Like you're a loser.

And I was like, I don't do that.

I love the How to Save a Life playing behind you.

How to save a life.

What do you mean you don't masturbate, Dave? Step 1, you say you need to talk.

So yeah, so that was—

Dave gets on his bike.

That was awesome.

Where did I go wrong? I lost some breath somewhere along the way. Throws the bike over.

Yeah.

Kicks the curb.

So like, that was like, that was like another moment. And it was just like, and every teacher just had like its own, their own specific way.

Every teacher was passionate.

That's what I think our school had. Every teacher absolutely loved what they did.

And if they didn't love what they did, they loved just hanging out with the students and like conversating on a level that was like kid, like that was like so friend level.

Like, when you talk to your teachers, a lot of them were very much like they were your peers rather than like these—

Oh, that's so funny. Maybe that's your age difference. Maybe people got a little more forward-thinking with like teachers and kids by the time you were in high school. But when I was in high school, it was like the old ways. It was like, shut the fuck up, don't fucking do anything, just fucking get through this class, turn your fucking work in, don't fucking look at me, don't talk, don't move. It was like that. No, I just think they were miserable.

Our teachers were very young.

No, I think— I think, yeah, I think our school was very young, very Our school was 7, 8 years old when we joined. Teachers were young.

Yeah.

So there you go.

There was like a camaraderie between the teachers too.

I'm sure.

And everything was new. Like we had new technology.

Like my teachers were fucking 80. They were fucking 70 years old.

Oh, bad history.

No, never.

Not one.

Yeah, not one.

Not one. I think our oldest was probably your age right now, Jay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was our oldest teacher at the time, which is kind of actually crazy to think about.

Yeah.

Now, yeah, no, that really did help out a lot.

It's kind of crazy to think about.

That's why like every class was lit. Even like fucking autos was like, every class, like, our autos teacher always, like, we watched Fast and Furious. That was like a big thing.

What did you do in auto class? I need to know.

Nothing.

Okay. Besides wash Fast and furious, what did you do? It's an. You must have done something.

You're there for three months or six months, partner up, and fortunately you work on a car. Yeah.

Okay.

There's one car that like the fucking really auto geeks work on. And then the other things, you're like taking apart, like small parts of an engine.

Yeah.

And luckily, if there was a class size of 20, there were at least 5 students that actually wanted to be there to learn about cars. Everyone else was there because they knew it was a fuck-off class in school. And you would partner up. Every team would most likely have one kid that actually cared about autos, and they would do 100% of the work. And in my group, it was this guy named Jordan, and he did everything. Really?

Everything, everything, everything, everything he did.

And we just—

you just sit there and you just copy. I mean, like, I cannot explain to you—

I cheated everything, everything, everything, everything, everything. Cheated through every single moment of high school, like some cartel-level cheating, Jake.

I know, you know, I know, I know, I know. You did it better than anyone, didn't you?

And then Mr.

Howitt was a very pivotal moment for both me and Allie. That's where we got to kind of know each other.

Yeah, that was like where like He like started comedy for me, like in some retrospect.

What did he do?

He was like kind of like an out-of-the-box, like kind of funny, wacky teacher.

So on every desk in his classroom, instead of having the classroom lights on, he went to a garage sale and he bought random lamps. So like random lamps were on every desk, had a different kind of lamp on it from a garage sale.

And we turned the lights out in the class.

Yeah.

So it was all powered just by those lamps.

And it's like, you don't really think Setting the mood.

It's not that intimate because there was 30 lamps in the classroom.

Well, it's almost like a comedy club. They have little lamps on the table.

And yeah, but it was like powerful. Like, yeah, the whole room was fucking lit up. You have 30 lamps in a room.

I don't care how it's pretty bright.

Yeah, yeah. No, the room was bright.

Okay. Just to be goofy.

No, it was just like a quirky guy. Everything he did was like really quirky.

Everything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had this whole thing how he wanted to— he wants— so his classroom was very, very special.

Shaped— it was shaped in a in a U-shape so that he was in the center and we were all like in the round. Yeah, it was round.

His room was built different because it was the only classroom that we had these pods in school. So like the 6th grade had a pod, 7th grade had a pod, 8th grade had a pod, basically like a wing, a wing building.

Right.

And his classroom was the only one that connected two different hallways. You could walk through his classroom, get to the other, get to the other wing of the school. It was really weird. So a lot of people would use his classroom just to cut through. And he'd give shit to people that would cut through. And every time you cut through, you'd have to go, "Sorry, Mr. Howitt." You'd apologize 'cause you were just trying to get to the other thing 'cause you were late. And he always had this idea, he wanted to put a door stomp on the ground so every time you stepped on it, it would power the lights in his room. 'Cause he would get so much foot traffic that he thought that he got enough where he didn't have to waste electricity. And he'd be able to like supply the power just into his classroom through the foot traffic. So that's the type of shit he would do. He was incredible.

Yeah, he was.

And then we had a teacher named, you know, and then we had a teacher who tried to sleep with a bunch of the students, which is weird, but she was a girl. So like all the guys were like into her. Come on. Who? Natalie for Fox?

Yeah.

Oh, who?

I didn't know that was like real. I thought you guys all wanted to sleep with her.

Yes, but she was down. That was the thing.

Oh, wait.

Yeah, she got in trouble. Yeah.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

Jesus Christ.

Somebody—

I'm thinking about it.

She didn't sleep with anybody, but she'd like hold people.

Like, she would put you in detention, like just one boy in detention, and then like do weird massage. That— it was weird.

Really? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, she's—

did she get fired?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, from complaints?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. I don't know who complained though, because like everyone was kind of in on the joke.

No, I think people complained.

Really?

Yeah, bro.

Oh, because I remember like kids would come back and brag and be like, yeah, she fucking massaged me today. I guess I was on like a different side of it.

Interesting to be in detention and get massaged.

Yeah.

So weird.

Oh my God. There was one teacher I felt so bad.

And she would take your phone too, so you couldn't like contact anybody or do anything.

Were you in this math class with me? Her name started with an M. I don't want to say it, but we were so bad. I feel really bad. We were such a bad class where we made her cry.

Yeah, I was not a part of that.

Were you there? She just got so stressed. We weren't like calling her names or anything. But she couldn't get the classroom to shut up, that she just like started crying and she left. She was like younger.

What'd you do?

We felt really fucking bad. No one was being mean to her, but it was like, you know, like when like kids are having side conversations and they're throwing shit at each other. Like just no one was like respecting her authority in that moment. And yeah, and she left crying.

Did she come back?

She did come back.

Like 5 minutes later?

Yeah. I also feel like, like I always think like it was my teachers that were so great and pivotal. But I also think I also got lucky with the class we were in because even Mr. Killinger, who I talk about a lot on this podcast, who was one of my Hall of Fame teachers, one of my favorites.

Sure.

Even he came to our high school reunion a year ago because he said that our class is the one that he remembers the most. And that's a lot of teachers that I've met, even through middle school. And a lot of the teachers reference our class as something they remember. So I don't know. I always think that I have this, like, I can't tell if I'm the crazy one and that I just remember everything so well and I'm so obsessed with it, or if it truly was incredible for everybody involved. But we took Emma and Eden to walk through Vernon Hills. Emma and Eden are from Australia. They're our friends. And we showed them, like, this is our middle. Every time I'm in Vernon Hills, I do a full tour for whoever it is. And Mike, who lives there, who's my best friend, has been through this tour 10 times. And I get so passionate about it. Like to the water fountain. I go, I had my first— I had— I peed my pants here from the police. Or I had my first kiss in this gazebo. Someone wrote some nasty things about me in this, like, train.

Yeah.

Um, but yeah, I showed her, like, where we lived, and she's like, this is the perfect childhood. And I was like, are you just saying that because, like, that's what I want to hear? Or, like, you actually believe that? She's like, no, no, no. Like, if I was to think of a perfect childhood, yes, this is how I would conjure up this town.

It's pretty idyllic. Yeah.

Do you think that too, or am I crazy?

Yeah, no, no, it is. It's a very, like, Midwestern experience.

It's very cliché Midwestern, but it's also like the setup that we specifically had that all 5 of us that are still currently hometown friends were just living in that close proximity where I could just look out my window and see David's home and like wave to him.

Like, ride your bike anywhere.

Ride your bike anywhere. And like, we weren't like— we were very fortunate where we weren't like lower class, but we definitely weren't anything above.

Of— but the town is rich. That school is— there's money in that school.

Yeah, totally.

We were—

yeah, yeah, you might have not had a lot of money, but no, that's someone in that town.

We were—

we were—

yes, it was interesting because it was very much like we were the small fish in this big, big pond, and we were like surrounded by all these like really wealthy people, but we were lower middle class.

Yeah.

But, um, well, it's like a choice suburb too. It's like you could work in the city and then—

no, Jay, I'm telling you, I highly recommend people move to Vernon Hills.

I know, the more we talk about it right now, I'm like, oh my God, we should all back, all become teachers, and all live in Greg's Landing on a cul-de-sac.

You do have good food.

We have everything.

Everything.

You have a lot of stuff there.

Everything.

You— there's, there's—

yeah, anything you need is there.

Everything you need.

Yeah.

The only thing that they don't have—

yeah— is like, you won't see Justin Bieber at like the local club. That's the only thing, because like there are no local clubs. That's the only thing we don't have, right? Everything else, we have it. And we don't have a beach, but we have a lake. Like, yeah, whatever. All right guys, that's all the time we have. You guys got a real nostalgia special.

Yeah.

Um, thank you guys for listening. Let us know how you feel about Natalie starting her OnlyFans.

Please. Yeah.

Um, let me know if you've ever found Jason's. I think he's lying to me. I know he's had an OnlyFans.

What are you saying?

I feel like you've had one.

Don't you think you would know if I had an OnlyFans?

No, because I feel like I would—

you think— did you think everyone would send it to you?

I would want to like block that.

When I, when I mess up the podcast, people DM me. 500 people DM you. Don't you think if I had an OnlyFans, someone would be like, oh, you got an OnlyFans?

Yeah, you're right, you're right.

All right guys, thank you. We'll see you for the next Views podcast.