First Late Night Appearance

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast. You know what I was thinking about?

What, Dave?

You think it's possible for somebody that's really good at podcasting to record a 45-minute podcast in 20 minutes?

No, man, not unless you're Elon Musk.

Why don't you not think that's possible? Like, if you talk really fast and then in editing you slow it down times 2, do you think you'll be able to make a 45-minute podcast in 20 minutes?

You got somewhere to be?

No, but let's fucking go right now. Let's go really fast.

Okay, you better start the podcast.

Jason's ugly.

David's not sexy.

Dude, this is a good start. All right, roll intro music. Hey guys, so this is Views Podcast. I'm David, that's Jason. We're a comedy troupe here out in Los Angeles.

What's up? Been a comedy troupe for a while now. I'm 46, David's 23. Where are we with this podcast in terms of your, you know, likes and dislikes?

Of like how much I like it? Yeah. I don't know. I'm kind of for it. I really— I do still think it's a waste of time.

People come to me on the street.

No, the podcast is interesting. It's because Jason and I, like, talk so much and we're always recording stuff. So, like, the podcast is the only thing in my life that feels like work, which is crazy to think, right? Because people are like, a podcast feels like work. And I know, I know that sounds insane, but I love making videos so much that, like, this is the thing that, like, just doesn't feel like, right? But I, I do.

Do you listen? I listen to the podcasts, you know.

I've never listened to one.

You've never listened to one?

No.

Oh, I go back and I listen to all the good little parts.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh yeah, all the time. I haven't heard a podcast that's not mine, I don't think.

Really?

Like, I haven't heard my own podcast and I haven't listened to another podcast. Hey, you want to see like snippets of Joe Rogan?

Hey, you want to go into business together?

For what?

I want to go on Shark Tank. That's my goal this year, get on Shark Tank.

What's your idea?

Oh, my ex-wife has this idea. Marnie, she— I thought it was pretty good. It's called Head Foam.

Head Foam.

And it's basically like, it's a thing you put on your head to listen to podcasts while you go to sleep. Cuz you know when you put like little earbuds in, they hurt your ears? They hurt your ears. Yeah.

Oh, so something that like wraps around your head?

Yeah, and like is padded by your ear.

Yeah, I think they actually have that.

No, there's no way they have it.

Let me look.

No, I looked it up. I couldn't find anything.

Here's literally a picture of it. They literally have exactly what you said.

What's it called though?

They're called Sleep Head Foam.

Let me see.

That's so fucking crazy. It's literally exactly—

of course they have everything.

It's That's exactly what you said, right? Like, look at it.

Yeah, that's it. That's literally as I envisioned it.

It's like the same color too, right?

$19.99? That was gonna charge like $45. Back to the drawing board. Hey, I just want to go on Shark Tank. That's it, man. I'm just so into it right now. I want to— I don't go on there and I want to have a pitch. I want to say, hello, sharks. I just want to say hello, sharks.

I know, I really want to go on Shark Tank too.

I love when the pitch is really rehearsed and they're really nervous. That's my favorite. Hey, we were in the bar the other day. David caught on fire.

Oh shit.

It's pretty fun.

Yeah, that was crazy. So I just got done doing Jimmy Fallon. Yeah, this will be my vlog, so if you guys hear my vlog, pretend like it's the first time. And I was laying back on the bar, like on the bar there's a candle there.

Yeah.

And all of a sudden I fucking smell like something's burning, and like I was like, what is going on? And then I look behind me and my coat is literally like in flames, like behind me, in flames. And I turn to Jason, I'm like, Jason, I'm on fire. And Jason looks at me and goes, yeah, you are. And I go, no, no, no, I fucking caught flames. So I took the jacket off and we had to fucking stomp it out in the bar. And then the people came over the bar and like, what's going on? And yeah, that's crazy. I've never— that is crazy to me that that candle was in that spot. Yeah, when we start— when I started leaning on the wall, I looked at the candle and I was like, that's weird. Like, if I had longer hair, I'd definitely catch fire right now.

And for some reason, in a New York City club packed with people too, such a fire hazard.

So dangerous. Yeah, so dangerous.

Yeah.

And fucking, I caught on fire.

So David, you're on Jimmy Fallon this week. I was very proud of you. I was in the audience, I watched the whole thing. David got off stage, he was, was nervous about his performance, but everyone thought he was really good.

Yeah, that was really nerve-wracking.

How was it?

I wasn't even thinking about it that much.

Yeah.

But then when I got there and when I was in my green room and the TV was on and And that's when like the Jimmy Fallon intro played, you know, like how he's walking around New York City and like, and it goes, tonight's guest, David Dobrik. So fucking crazy to see. So crazy. And that's when it got like really, like really real. Like I started tearing up. It seemed like I was in a movie. Like, you know, like I hate describing it this way, but it literally felt like a fucking dream. It felt like I was a character in a movie and the character in the movie fell asleep and had a dream about being on Jimmy Fallon. Like that's exactly what it felt like. It was crazy. And then, yeah, and then Martin Short went on before me, and then I was waiting backstage to go on next, right after him. And I don't know if I made this up. I don't know if he said this, or I think he said this to me. He said something to me as he walked off stage, and I'm pretty sure it was this, or maybe I just completely just fabricated this. He walked off and he pats me on the back and he goes, "Knock 'em dead, kid." It was the most cliché thing to say. It was so great. And I was— and that's made me 10 times nervous. I was like, holy fuck, it's literally— and then it's so crazy because when you're on, like, when you're on the show and like the cameras are on you, like, I always get in my head and like, I'm like, he's interviewing me or whatever, right? And then I'm like, if I start— like, in my head I'm thinking like, if I stop talking right now, like, it's going to be on television. Like, they're not just going to cut that out. Like, if I just freeze right now, yeah, like, it will— like, everyone's watching me. Like, do you have that moment? Like, when you're ever doing anything?

Never been on late night TV, but yeah.

Yeah. But like, do you ever have that moment? Like, when you're in front of cameras, you're like, if I stop right now, like at the Teen Choice Awards, I thought about it the entire time. I was like, if I just stop talking, right, it's just gonna be awkward.

Yeah, yeah.

And that's all I could think about sitting next to Jimmy. I was like, this is all up to me here. Like, if I just stop talking, it's over. I don't know. Regardless, I had fun. Jimmy's the fucking nicest human being.

He seemed to like really, um, I don't know, really like you. You guys are like good together. You're both kind of goofy, you know?

Yeah, I don't know.

You're like, you're like, you're like younger version of him.

Everyone always says that, that like every time I— every time— no, every time I collab with a celebrity, they're like, that person really liked you. But I'm like, I like—

well, you're a likable— you're a likable dude.

I know, but bro, like, what, bro? Like, what is he going to seem like? He doesn't like me, you know what I mean? Like, his job is to interview and talk to people. Like, he's not going to— he's not going to seem like he doesn't like me.

No, but what he did do was like, he definitely like gave you respect, which is like really nice.

He was like, 100%—

you started out, you came out, and it was like, I don't know what happened, I can't remember, but I remember one of the first things he said was like and you have 15 million followers on YouTube. And everybody cheered, which was like really nice of him to say. And then he brought up the thing how you married my mom, and that was cool because it was like you could tell that as a comedian, like he respected that bit in itself, the fact that you married somebody. He was very cool.

And backstage he was really, really nice, which I appreciate.

That's awesome. I need hip replacement surgery.

I heard, man. Congrats.

Thanks, man. Yeah, it's a great accomplishment. Every 46-year-old wants to have that. Yeah.

What kind are you getting?

I'm getting a Jaguar. Jaguar.

Jaguar.

I was looking at the Mercedes. It's a little too expensive, but I like the Jaguars. It's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what is it? What does a new hip entail? So, like, will you be able to kick harder or will it just bring you up to par? You know what I mean?

Just up to par.

Okay.

You know, I've been limping for the last few months.

I have noticed.

Yeah.

So it doesn't—

it doesn't— been great about it, too. You don't bring it up too much.

Never.

Yeah, because it does bother me. Like I told you one time, I don't bring it up to you, huh?

Natalie and I always snicker about it on the side.

Oh, what do you say?

Look at him. Just that.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

I was buried alive 2 weeks ago, bro. You know what the doc told me? Huh? He goes, hey, maybe you'll be buried alive anymore and your hip will feel better.

Um, did you tell him you got buried alive?

Yeah, you know, he saw it. He goes, I know the kind of stuff you're doing. And I go, whoa, what do you mean? He goes, uh, in the backyard, surprising your friend at the picnic.

Yeah, we buried Jason in my backyard the other day. Um, but okay, so you're getting a new hip, which Which is actually pretty sad, but I'm trying to make up.

Well, they, you know, I've been limping a lot and it's been bumming me out. Like when I just even see people, they're like, you're limping. Like, what's wrong? And then you have to explain.

Oh, that's the worst.

The worst.

My friend, my friend who has a staph infection.

Yeah.

Who got one. He's my age and he limps. Right. Alex, my friend from my hometown. And that's the worst is having to explain it to every single person.

The worst.

Dude, what's wrong? You're limping. And it's like, especially when we go out, it's like, I don't have to go, oh, I got a staph infection. And then, and then, you know what I mean? It's the same conversation over and over again.

It's the worst. So anyway, so then they get me in there and I'm like, my hips bother me, and they take an X-ray and the guy's like, oh, and you could just clearly see. So on your hip there's like basically like rubber in the socket. I don't know what— it's not rubber, but it's, it's, it's basically a rubber thing that allows your hip to— so I'm missing half of mine. So he's like, yeah, that's not good. He's like, you're gonna need surgery. He's like, there is one thing we could try, it's really expensive, we could try stem cells. And he's like, and I think he— you have a— you're a good candidate for that. So then yesterday they shot me. I was prepped for like 2 weeks for these shots. I had some other shots done, some PRP. They shot my own blood in my ass, like 6 different shots.

Sorry, this is a little bit sidetracked, but have you ever got that shot in your ass that like you can't walk? I don't know if it's like a shot for the flu or I don't know what it is. Penicillin.

Penicillin shot.

Is it a penicillin shot?

And I had all that done when I was like 2. I had all that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I was like, I was like 4.

Okay.

Yeah, I got it. And I couldn't vlog that day. I couldn't vlog that day, but I was at my grandma's in Slovakia. Really? And I got the shot and I was just like, I was laying on my stomach with my ass just like hanging in the air, like it was just fucking beat and I needed to air it out. No, it was. Yeah, that was like one of the most painful shots. Sorry, man. I don't mean to take away from you.

I know you don't give a fuck. It's fine.

Yo, you know, your hip surgery reminds me when I was 2, when I told David I needed hip surgery.

All he said was, how long are you going to be out for? So anyways, yeah, that sounds like a good thing.

Like, you know what I mean?

No, it doesn't, David. No, I can't run. I can't jog anymore. I'm gonna be a fat fuck for the rest of my life. You know, it's the only way I lose weight is when I would like jog.

Here's the thing, why I think it's a good thing is because you have a problem and now you have identified the solution.

Okay, well, that's a good way to think.

And we've already all known about your problem that you limp, right? So now you tell me you need hip surgery. It's almost like going, hey Dave, they found a cure.

I mean, we'll see. So anyways, they shot these stem cells in, you know, it's— I'll know in a month. If it takes or not. So it's supposed to like grow— it's, uh, it's, uh, in baby umbilical cords.

But you said the chances of you not getting hip surgery is like 80 to 20, right?

It's 80/20. I'm gonna not need it.

I'm proud of you.

I told them, I said, I don't expect this to work at all. And he was like, come on, man, you have a cool doctor, huh?

Do you have a cool doctor?

Yeah, really cool. He's the best. He lets me film. He's like, you want to vlog this? I was like, really? He's like, yeah, turn it on.

Is he okay with being on camera? Yeah, really?

Yeah, he loves it. Actually, he gave me the shots the first time.

If you want to vlog this, and then, uh, Doc, you sure this is open heart surgery?

Go for it. But they gave me the shots the first time, and he's like— and I didn't film it. He's like, you should have filmed. I was like, I didn't want to. I didn't know whether to ask. And then I came back the next day, and I walked in, and everybody in the office was like, oh, today's the big day! Today's a big day! And I'm like, why? Because I'm getting stem cells? There's no— Garrett's gonna be on camera. He's really nervous. He's been preparing all day to be in your vlog.

Wow, that's awesome.

Yeah.

Is the vlog up now?

No, no, it hasn't been edited yet. I shot some of that. He's also talking about giving me testosterone. He's going to put a testosterone cube in my ass.

Testosterone cube?

Yeah.

Why is everything in your ass?

I don't know. It's a good question.

I had to call a therapist the other day.

Oh, yeah, I heard.

Yeah. My mom was like, call this therapist, tell her about everything you're going through. I was like, what? What are you talking about?

Where is this therapist?

I don't know.

BetterHelp?

My mom knows her. I have no idea. But she was like, tell her about all your traumas. And I was like, what? I was like, I've never experienced a trauma. Like, I would have— I would have called, like, the therapist if I was going through trauma. And she's like, no, you definitely— you've definitely experienced a trauma. There's no way you turned out the way you did without trauma. And I was like, I was like, are you being serious right now? And she was being dead serious on the phone. Like, that wasn't a joke. She's like, no, we need to find out what happened. And I was like, what are you talking about, what happened? So I was on therapy. I was on the phone with the therapist for like 45 minutes. I was listing literally everything that happened to me that I can remember.

Would have paid top dollar to hear that call.

Oh my God.

It's—

dude, I can tell you right now.

Tell me, tell me, tell me everything.

Please, please.

What was the therapist like?

She was super chill. She was just like, just nice. Tell me everything that happened. And I was like, I was like, honestly, like, honestly, nothing happened that's that traumatic. Like, my grandpa passed away and like, and then she was like, when did he pass away? Were you close? I was like, I guess. I mean, not really. And then I don't know, I just told her things. I was like, my— I got pantsed once when I was like 8 years old. My dad pantsed me on a baseball field and he pulled my underwear down with it. But it was just my mom and my dad that saw. So it was more traumatic for my parents than it was for me. So like, and that was like the worst thing I could come up with.

What did the therapist say after you said you got pantsed? Did she try to make any connections here?

Yeah. She was like, how embarrassed were you? I don't know. It's not— it's not real. I don't know. And it almost—

it's not real, David. It is 100% real. No, bro. Psychotherapy, traumatic incidents, things that—

no, every— everything I said, everything I said, everything I said, she was like, and then how did you feel afterwards? I was like, I don't know, I fucking cried for a little bit. I was— and then I forgot about it.

Now I see this here. It's Tough Guy David. Ladies and gentlemen of The Views podcast, let me introduce who's here tonight. It's David the Tough Guy. No, it's David that won't go near his emotions.

Fucking no.

Yes. No, David, I would totally open up. No, but you can't. You can do a lot of things. I have been very—

I'm not discrediting therapy. I'm not discrediting therapy at all. I think therapy is so important for a lot of people.

Sure.

I think I probably need therapy just to talk through things.

Right.

But I don't— I don't have any traumas. Like, I've been very lucky where I don't have anything that, like, has completely fucked the path of my entire life up. Like, I don't have a moment that, like, I'm like, living in fear of, like—

What about, what about being put on the airplane when you were 5 to come to this country?

That was terrifying, but I was 5. What do you fucking mean?

And you don't think that was traumatic for you?

What does that mean? See, what you're doing right now is like, you're like almost trying to talk— you're almost trying to convince me that it was traumatic. I never think about it.

Oh, I guarantee you, I guarantee you anyone who lives in a weird-ass country like Slovakia—

Oh, fuck you.

No, it's a fine country.

Let—

but, and it's all you know. And then to just be put on an airplane and then to come to America and be like, what the fuck is this, in the middle of Chicago? It's traumatic.

Jason's talking about when I was 6, my parents already lived in America and I flew over by myself to meet them. But I never refer to that story as anything but cool. The only reason I ever tell that story now is because I think it was cool that I flew here by myself. There's not an ounce of traumatic experience I have from that moment.

Like, I have so many traumatic experiences from—

okay, give me one.

Okay, one time I was at school, I ripped my pants. I came home, I got— my father was picking me up from school and he hit me in the fucking face because I had ripped my pants. Traumatic. Took me 4 years to shake that. Another time I looked at my father's Playboys and he caught me, hit me, like fucking really traumatic shit like that. Like all kinds of stuff. The landlord coming to my mother's house and being like, you guys need to be out tomorrow. Having to leave in the middle of the night, go sleep at my aunt's house. Just shit like that. We all have traumatic moments that shape us.

And, and okay, maybe, maybe I think traumatic is such a heavy word. Yeah, I have a bunch of those, but that's not traumatic. Okay, but like traumatic, traumatic is like someone's getting fucking stabbed 15 times in front of me.

That's not— as a child, little things are very traumatic.

Oh well, when I think getting pantsed is traumatic, I think of like a war veteran, like having PTSD. Like, that's traumatic to me.

Yeah, but you have to remember, as a child— a child, anything is traumatic. If you raise your voice in front of a child, that's traumatic.

I mean, sure, I have a million of those stories.

The other day I got into a fight with Marnie on the phone.

Yeah.

Okay, she wanted me to call a friend to get them to do something, and I was like, no, I'm not going to do it. And she had asked a bunch of times, and I, I always just say whatever to Marnie. I'm always just like, yes, yes. Like, we get along really good. We haven't had a fight in a while. And I was on the phone and I raised my voice. I said, no. I said, absolutely not. I'm not doing it and stop pushing it like that. And Charlie heard the thing and she started crying. She heard me. And then I got off the phone and I was like, I'm so sorry you heard that. I wasn't like unhinged. I wasn't like, so don't fucking tell me. It wasn't like that.

Oh, okay.

No, not at all. But she started crying.

I get it.

And even that little thing right there was traumatic. Yeah, that's traumatic for her to hear, just hearing us fight.

Okay, well, I wish someone explained that to me. Going into this what traumatic is.

Well, what did your mother say?

I don't know, bro. It's obvious you're in the war when I think— and you have to talk to these terrorists about being in Vietnam. You've definitely been in the war, Mom. I haven't been in the war.

No, no, you have. It must have been tough in Saigon with your troops and the napalm.

No, I don't know. I just— I really imagined it like traumatic. I think of like, like a robber came in and tied up my family and threatened to kill us one by one. Like, that's what I think is traumatic. Like shit you see on Criminal Minds.

Oh, okay.

That's what I was looking for. I was like, that's never happened to me.

Oh, okay. Someone should have explained to the definition.

Yeah, like, sure, I've cried a couple of times over shit.

Okay, well, now that you know the definition, do you have any traumatic moments?

Yeah, there's a couple of traumatic moments, I guess.

But I want to share them here on this podcast.

No, I mean, there was one time, one time my dad and I got into a fight Yeah. And he got really mad and he threw a garbage bin, like a garbage on the floor. Like a garbage bin on the floor.

Yeah.

And it, like, cracked.

Yeah.

I think I got physical at the time too. Like, I pushed him and stuff.

Sure.

Which is, like, pretty big no-no to do with your parents.

For sure.

Yeah.

Traumatic.

Yeah. But that, that was not like, like it was bad for, like, a week. It was pretty awkward for a couple of days, but, like, we got over it and, like, I got over it. Like, I don't ever— I don't hold that moment over anybody's head.

But this amazing drive that you have, right? Yeah, this, this like— but you have like an insane drive. Like you, you will shoot the vlog until 5 in the morning.

Okay.

Like all that stuff. Have you ever tried to like think about where that comes from?

Yeah. Really wanting to do this. What do you mean? Like, I don't know.

Did something happen as a child? Like seeing your parents struggle?

I feel like when it comes to drive, I'm pretty biased because I have a pretty— I have a pretty fucking cool job. So, you know, put me working in the back room at FedEx and let's see if I have drive then. You know what I mean? I have drive because I'm fucking lucky enough to literally have the coolest job in the world. I don't think there is a job better than what I'm doing currently.

No, I don't think so. I think if you worked at FedEx, you'd do really well at FedEx.

I don't know. Well, yes, the answer is yes, I would. But I think—

I'd fucking kill it.

I'd fucking destroy it.

I love when Ilya says that David has a friend, Ilya, and if you ask him anything, he'll be like, I might fucking kill it, hands down. No problem. Yeah, anything I put my mind to, I'd kill it. In that Chicago accent.

That's my friend Ilya. No, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't—

but I don't think— I don't think my drive is because of something traumatic. I've always been like that.

Traumatic moments? What about with like girls and stuff? What about— I, for instance, like I've always tried to make the connection from those Playboys for like me and sex and girls. I'm like, did that trigger something in my mind? Like, oh, sex is bad.

Huh. I don't know.

I've never been able to really uncover it.

I guess all I could think about is When I think of like my first thoughts of sex is when my friend brought over— I was— we were sitting in my digital film class and we were in the back and my friend showed me his phone and he was watching porn with like 3 other kids. And it's just like, it's like out of a movie. Like, I'm just like, what are you guys doing? And he's just like, we're watching porn. I was like, you can't be doing that. And I was like fucking so nervous. That same friend actually jerked off in my 5th grade class. In the middle of science class, he jerked off and he finished on his hand and he showed us. And that's fucking disgusting. I think it's like 7th grade, I don't know what it was, but how fucking disgusting is that? That was the same friend. Maybe that was like my first sexually traumatic experience, just fucking witnessing that friend.

Interesting.

There's a guy, we went camping once, I think I told the story, but, um, he, um, in the middle of the night, it was— we stayed there for like 2 nights in the middle of the night. I don't know. I don't know how old we were. I think it was 8th grade again, or 7th grade. And in the middle of the night, he would scream out. There was a— it was a room full of bunk beds, no teachers, just kids in a cabin, all 8th graders, and like 16 kids. And the bunk beds were right next to each other. It was just one big room. And in the middle of the night, when everyone was sleeping, he'd scream, midnight service! And he'd— yeah, and he'd get naked or in his underwear, and he'd run into everybody's bunk and he'd like hump them, and it was fucking hysterical until he came to your bunk. Like, it was great because you were like, you were like, you're laughing at everybody. You're like, oh fuck, he's fun. Look at Pat, look at Pat getting humped by Felipe. But then, but then Felipe would come to your bunk and you'd be like, fuck, no, no, no. And like, you know, you'd have all the boys like laughing hysterically, and then he came over and the boys would be like, get the fuck off me, the fuck are you doing? And then he'd leave And then they'd slowly go, okay, there he goes again. So yeah, no, that was, that was a fun moment.

I've heard that story before and it warrants a second telling. Yeah, that is fun.

It is a really fun story. I remember when I first found out the F-word was bad. Oh my God, I was standing in line. I think I was in the second grade, right? And, and one kid said it in front of me and I'd never heard of it before. And I asked the people in the back, like the people standing behind me, I was like, what did he say? Because the teachers were coming over. I was like, what did he say? What did he say? And they were like, he said a bad word. And I was like, what did he— what, what word is it? And he— and then the guy goes, it rhymes with luck. And I was like, okay. I was like, duck, suck, buck, truck, fuck. And I said fuck. And they go, oh, that's when I found out fuck was bad. That was, that was fucking— and I remember that so vividly.

So how did you fill out the 45 minutes of what? Of this, this phone call you had to have?

Oh yeah, I don't know.

I'm surprised you even agreed to it.

Yeah, my mom really wanted me to do it. I just did it.

How did you feel? How did you leave it with her? Call you back sometime?

Yeah, she was just like, if you think of anything else, email me. And I was like, okay, maybe after this podcast I can tell her about the time I got humped at camp. Maybe, maybe that was the moment she was looking for. Maybe it was. Okay. Oh yeah, now that I think of it, midnight service. That was it. That's what, that's what makes me so determined to to be a good YouTuber is because I was humped at camp. I went to Ohio State, like a college show, like I do college Q&As. And later that night we went out to, to like a party and we got, we got to like a frat house. This is my fucking favorite thing in the world is like getting turned on at frat parties. Like, I've told you about this. We got to a frat party and one of the frat guys, like all the other guys are like excited. They're like, yeah, let's go, let's party, David. Let's fucking do something crazy. And then one frat guy walks up and he goes, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Who do you know here? Literally, it's fucking out of a movie, man. How do they— why do they all say the same fucking line?

Yeah.

And I was like, I don't know. We were just in— we were just in the area. And he goes, he goes, where are you from? And I go, L.A. And he goes, dip. I go, what? He goes, dip. Get out. Dip. Get out of here. And then we fucking turn around and left. How fucking crazy is that? Dip. Get out of here.

I mean, the whole setup is, is, yeah, you know, that's what's going to happen. They've been told not to let anyone in.

I know.

And they have their orders from their older frat brothers.

I know.

So. And yet you still keep going back. It's the best getting turned down.

It's the fucking best because there's something you go to a bank, you know, give me money and they're like, no, interesting about frat guys is they don't realize that they're being crazy. Like my closest friend Alex, the guy who limps. Yeah, right. He's a frat guy. And like, I'll explain to him, I'll be like, you know, frat guys are sometimes crazy. Like the way you guys follow rules, like, is not even like It's not admirable at all. It's just kind of weird. It's almost like—

it's like the military.

Yeah, like there's nothing like cool about it. It's just like kind of gross and scary.

It's kind of just really exclusive.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he doesn't get it. He was like, what are you talking about? I've been— I've been his friend forever. And I was like— and, and he's like getting offended that I'm like talking about fraternities in that way. He's like, what the fuck are you saying, David? And I was like, wow, you drank the Kool-Aid too.

I remember when I moved into college, um, we were all talking, sitting around talking about— and all the frats came around and they were like, do you want to come tomorrow? Come to so-and-so and so-and-so. And I remember the two friends that I made, we made this like fucking decision like, fuck that, like we don't need fucking bot friends, we're gonna chill and be ourselves. And we were like, yeah man. And then my roommate, he was this guy from Ohio, and he was like, I'm joining the frat. He's like, you're crazy. He's like, the fucking best parties. He's like, it's the best parties, you guys are gonna miss out, you're gonna be fucking losers sitting here. So we were like, yeah, yeah, okay, that's cool, whatever. And so then I hung out with my friends, like smoked pot. I had these two really good friends We just hung out. I'm still friends with them now. Jeff, my friend Jeff, lives down the street. And I remember he came back and he was fucking— had fucking just shit all over him and piss all over him. And he was just like—

the guy that went to the frat?

Yeah. And then he was my roommate freshman year. Then they would come get him in the middle of the night. They hazed the fuck out of him.

What would they do to haze him?

They— I remember he came home like covered in shit once. I don't remember what else they did to him, but he was just like fucking brutalized for like a week.

I've heard of like different hazing, the worst. Have you heard of like the elephant walk?

No. What's that?

You don't know? The elephant walk is where you have, like, all the freshmen get on the floor. They're naked.

Yeah.

And they grab each other's penises and they're on— they're on four. They're on their hands and knees and they're grabbing each other's penises and they're walking like in a circle, basically. And they're like all attached.

What do frats do now if they— because they can't do any of that stuff anymore.

I don't get it. I never got the, hey, touch that dude's dick. Like, I didn't understand that, that premise. Like, it's a very weird concept. I get it, though. I get like, I get like it makes you closer, right? Like if you've been through a traumatic experience, like, you know, like the elephant walk. But, but it is very, it's a very weird thing. But there's definitely— those frats are definitely cool in their own way. But there's some dudes that are in frats that are just like—

we've had some good frat parties that we've gone to.

100%.

Yeah.

But it's just there's some specific guys in some specific places that are like overdosing on confidence. Yeah, it's just a little bit. It's a little bit too much. Todd's here. Todd, say hi.

Hi, guys.

We were at a nightclub and we were playing Heads Up. You know that game that you play with your phone? It's a catchphrase, basically. And one of the things was like, it was like a movie. It was like, I don't know, it was like Wolf of Wall Street or something.

It was Johnny Cash movie.

It was a Johnny Cash Walk the Line. And Todd was really excited when he got the answer and started fucking jumping up and down and just ripped ass. And the entire fucking— our entire section just completely cleared out. Because he farted so hard at the nightclub. And, you know, I know it's Todd. I know it's Todd. Of course you know it's Todd, because one, it smells— there's a very specific smell to it. And Todd is like— like he was smiling the entire time. And then when he lets out the fart, he looks at you like an insecure, like, kid who just, like, accidentally spilled paint all over the couch. And then he, like, goes back to smiling. And I called out Todd on farting and he was really embarrassed.

Yeah. What happened?

I slowly started walking away, like, around the table. And then he called me out.

It's so weird when you fart. Why do you— how can you not control your farts?

I was holding it for a while and I was jumping up and down.

Sure.

And so it kind of just like squirted out.

You get— is there any kind of passive aggressiveness going on when you fart?

Do you do that on purpose? You do that on purpose to fuck with people?

The fart?

Yeah.

Not all the time.

Sometimes.

Because sometimes it's weird. It's like the farts are walking out of your asshole. Like, normally you can— normally people can, like, close the door and make sure they don't stay in. But you just have like— it's like wedged open, like there's something going on.

Yeah. And sometimes, you know, I'll walk and fart. I'll crop this a little bit.

Just—

that's fine. But when we're at a table at a club, it's a little bit confusing.

Todd's farts are so potent that there's no doubt whose fart it is. Exactly.

That's exactly what it is.

They're so memorable. And I actually look forward to them. I used to really dislike them.

Yeah.

And now when he farts, I'm like, it's like going home.

Yeah.

Like, yes. Like, this is impressive. I don't love the smell.

It's a nostalgic smell for you, but I feel safe.

Yeah, exactly.

Guys, Corinne is here. She's Todd's ex-girlfriend.

Really funny hanging out with the two of them in New York.

Oh my God, it's the best.

What a blast.

Oh, like they have, they have so much like built-up anger.

They have so much built-up history.

History. Yeah, they have so much history that everything's funny and a new thing comes out every day. And Corinna says something and Todd goes, this is why I fucking hated dating.

Yeah.

And then Corinna goes, you suck too, Todd. Corinna, you told me a funny story that your dad—

I want to tell it good. My dad tells it the best.

You told it great.

So So I've known my stepmom. My stepmom's been in my life for like since I was 2. My stepmom went to my dad and was like, have you seen my lotion? And he's like, no, I haven't seen your lotion. Like, what are you talking about? She's like, I've been looking all over for it. I don't know where it is. And then she's like, you know, he's like, actually, now that I think about it, the boys, my brothers, are at the age where they're probably using the lotion, jerking off.

Jason.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

And, uh, she's like, oh, okay, okay. Like, and he goes, why don't you get a nice bottle go for yourself and get like some shitty stuff just to put on the back of the toilet so that they have something that's like not your nice— yeah, whatever. So she's like, puts the, you know, shitty stuff on the back toilet. And, um, a couple weeks go by and one day she's like, Jared— that's my dad's name— she's like, Jared, have you seen my tanning lotion? He's like, no, like I haven't seen your tanning lotion. Day carries on and he notices my brother's hands and he's like, I think I know where your tanning lotion went. She's like, where? And he's like, go out Go look out in the living room. And she looks at my brother's hands and they're just like black.

That's the worst.

She goes to my dad, she goes, if that's what his hands look like, what does his penis look like?

That's so gross. Could you imagine being fucking caught like that?

Yeah.

You were telling us the other day that Todd, when you guys dated, you and Todd and your relatives would get along really well.

It was fun.

My family actually really liked Todd. My dad was drunk out of his mind, like, yeah, he's a great guy. Just give him a chance.

Yeah. Todd seems like a guy.

Like, my dad was like blacked out. They were like, dry humping each other, like grinding on each other on the dance floor.

Your dad, your dad was saying, watching people together, it was like fucking crazy. Your dad was saying, give Todd a chance.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Your mother used to give me shit for getting blackout drunk.

It's no big deal.

No, he doesn't really, like, drink like that that often, but they were like fucking damn near dry humping each other, my dad and Todd.

That's amazing. Well, now that both of you are here together, do you guys have anything to confess? Confess to each other that maybe you did during the relationship? Like, maybe you, like, you jerked off on her pillow when she she was in the bathroom or something weird like that.

Um, nothing to confess, but an embarrassing story would be I left a skid mark on her sheets.

Oh boy.

When she was—

You denied that.

Keeps coming up.

You denied it.

I thought we discussed this, Todd.

You have it. Like, Todd's asshole is crazy.

Like, left a skid mark on my bed and I was like, Todd, did you leave a skid mark on my bed? And he denied it.

And what was the—

how was it a skid mark? You're gonna tell a beautiful girl that?

I'm like, how the fuck else is there just a shit stain on my white bed?

How big was the shit?

Next time, bro, say it's on the memes.

Like 6 inches?

No, but it was just like, I knew it was him. Like, I don't even know why I asked, because I was just like, how else would there just be like a big shit stain?

Did you smell it? Like, how did you— how did you—

yeah, I think I eventually smelled it because I was like, what is it? I need to know. And it was like shit.

I'm like, you denied that there was—

I don't remember denying it. I just remember her telling me—

no, I think you denied it for a while, and then Yeah.

Yeah.

He was naked.

Were you guys having sex?

I was naked.

Were you guys having sex or were you just sliding off the bed?

I think we had sex and I slid off the bed.

That's pretty fucking crazy.

That's embarrassing.

What is with your butthole?

Actually, it's fine now.

No, it's not.

When I eat— no, you know what happened? You took me to fucking Qdoba.

We went to Qdoba. I watched the Chipotle. Chipotle was closed.

I'm lactose intolerant after, like, eating that fucking Qdoba. I was shitting my pants all day.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, we went to a Mexican restaurant and fucking Todd was like not feeling it after. He had like the worst stomachache.

We stopped by this bar to like—

you're definitely lactose intolerant.

I think so, yeah, to check out this bar. We're gonna go after, after whatever David was doing, and it was the shittiest, dingiest bar. And I run upstairs and this toilet is like half the size of a normal toilet and there's like no door to the bathroom. So I'm just fucking— I just pull my pants down and Full diarrhea.

Oh my God. And the entire trip, the entire trip, Natalie comes up to me and she goes, Todd has been trying to convince me that this Mexican food is fucking up my stomach when I know it's not. And he's the only one that's having diarrhea right now. I was like, kept coming up to all of us and being like, you're feeling it too, right? You're feeling it too? Like, it's fucking with your insides too? It's like, no, Todd. And Todd would have to go, like, when we got to our hotel room, he'd have to go change his pants and like shower his undercarriage because it was just so It got so moist down there.

Undercarriage.

Well, I don't know. I didn't know how to make it like that.

I was the right word.

I know, but it's like kind of like he's showered.

It's very ladylike. His undercarriage.

Yeah.

By the way, I was just like messing around, trying to be sarcastic, trying to distract myself from the pain I was going through. Like, hey, how's your stomach? Is it fucked up too from that shitty Mexican food?

Sure. No, I understand.

You know, I went to the Bahamas for my birthday with my boyfriend and boyfriend, each one. And I like to gamble a lot. So my boyfriend, his best friend, his girlfriend all went up to a bar in the hotel and I went and gambled. And they were drinking and we had just eaten like a really big dinner, like a lot of seafood, everything like that. I go back to the room, they come up to me and they're like, like, I need to tell you something. And I'm like, oh God, like— and he goes, I was upstairs and I felt like I had to shit really bad. And so I was like, you know, I'm just gonna go back to the hotel room because I'm like comfortable, like, you know, shitting the hotel room. And he said, I got off the elevator and it was either I'm shitting my pants or I'm shitting in the stairwell. And I shit in the stairwell. And I'm like, no, you didn't. Like, you didn't shit in the stairwell of this fucking nice-ass hotel we got. Like, we paid literally like thousands for this room. No, there's no way. And the— this, right, mind you, right next to the stairwell was my mom's room. He was like— I was literally contemplating like banging on the door and like shitting there. He's like, because the hallway was so long to our room.

Your boyfriend shat in— in—

listen, listen, Karina, what is with you and all the men in your life?

I don't know, they have to shit everywhere.

So, so he's like The hallways are really long. We're all the way at the end of the hallway, and he's like, so he's like, I had to make a decision. It was like literally one of those shits where you're literally shitting your pants or you have to go right there and then. So he was like, I went in the stairwell and I shit. And he was telling me the story, and I'm like, no, you didn't. Like, you— there's no way you shit in the stairwell. Like, this is like something in a movie. Like, this just didn't happen. So he's like, so I still have my vlog camera. So he took me and our other friends, and we go, and lo and behold, there's a fucking huge shit in the fucking stairwell. And I'm like freaking out. I'm like, we're gonna get kicked out. Like, there's cameras, there's cameras all over this hotel. Like, you have to clean this up. Like, we're gonna get kicked out. And he's like, I can't clean it up. Like, I'll puke. Like, I can't do it, I can't do it. And I made the decision to clean up his shit. I was like, I can't. Like, I, I just can't. Like, it was in the state.

Like, for you, Corinna, you cleaned up your boyfriend's shit in a hotel.

Dude, I—

you know, you would think you would be like, oh, I'd rather it be cold than warm, right? You would think that. It was the— it was like cold mushy, and I was like, I wish it was warm. I wish it would have been warm.

You did what with this shit? How could you? I left it on your bed and you got mad. You're handling it.

I really lost a good one, huh?

She cleaned it. Wow, Karina, you got some serious points for cleaning up your—

yeah, I—

yeah, and shit there was really— it was something else. I didn't believe him though. Like, when he was like, I shit in the stairwell, I was like, there's no way. Like, how did you not make it?

Where did you put the poop after you clean it up? Just in the toilet?

Oh, well, that— oh, there's— that's the next part.

Where did you scoop it into? A bag?

Well, it was like cleaning up dog shit like I normally do with Carl. I scooped it up, I put it in a bag. Well, mind you, it smells in there because there's shit that's been in there for the last 30 minutes. We lock ourselves in the stairwell Oh, with the bag. Carrying a bag of shit down the stairwell.

Human shit.

Like carrying it through the hotel, like trying to find a trash can to stick it in. We finally, like, got off on a certain floor because that was unlocked. And then, like, the next day we're having a good conversation with this guy in the elevator and he gets off on that floor and we're just like, I wonder if, like, that fucking floor smells like fucking—

Well, Corinna, that, that's probably the coolest thing you've ever done.

Yeah, I took a shit in the bathroom this morning.

Oh, did he yell at you?

No, he wasn't home yet.

The other day we were at Stout. I thought this was really funny. The other day we were at Stout and there was like 6 of us and that's like a pretty decent-sized restaurant. And someone ordered us drinks. They ordered all of us a beer and we're like, who did this? Like, we want to thank them because, you know, there's a lot of us. You bought 6 of us beer. It costs a lot of money. So we want to say thank you. But she was like, it's an anonymous person. We don't want to tell you. They don't want to be— they don't be named. So we went back and we wanted to send them a beer back. But then she's like, then you're going to know who sent it if I deliver beers to them. So we bought the entire restaurant beers and people were in there. It was full.

It was full.

Yeah, it was like a full day. So like probably 40 to 50. Yeah, 40 to 50.

They all drank the beers. Were they all confused?

They were all confused. And it was really cool because for a moment everyone like held up their beers and they were all like, thank you, anonymous people. And like, we held up our beers too, like, saying thank you. And then the guy who bought us the beer came up to us and goes, you motherfuckers one-upped me. Yeah, it was— that was a really fun time. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you guys for listening. This has been a Views podcast. I'm David. That's Jason. Jason, anything to plug real quick? Go.

My Instagram.

Yeah, Corinna's Instagram is really great. Go check it out.

Thank you, guys. Everyone comment on Corinna's Instagram saying thank you for cleaning up the shit. Just give her a little bit of a thing just because you cleaned up your boyfriend's shit. You deserve it.

Thank you so much.

All right, we'll see you guys later. This has been a Views podcast. My name is Jeff. Bye.