Does Size Matter

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast. Jason's letting me talk the majority of the time.

That's every week.

Excuse me?

I actually did a graph with some MIT scientists and we looked at the podcast over the last 2 years.

What does MIT stand for?

My It's Tight. Learning is tight.

My tight learning here.

Yeah.

All right, roll the intro music. I'm David. That's Jason's Abuse Podcast.

What's up, guys?

We talk about a whole bunch of things here.

We're here with our respective assistants.

What were you thinking about?

I was thinking the other day, I was seeing today, I was like, you know, we were here this morning with our assistants and I looked over at Natalie, gorgeous, really pretty, smart.

Yeah.

And then I looked over at my assistant, Dima, not so easy on the eyes. I thought, well, I fucked up here, but Dima's doing a hell of a job. He's no beauty queen winner, but he's doing a good job.

Oh, that's sweet.

Yeah.

Earlier, speaking of beauty queens, earlier you were telling me that— who is this guy apparently had sex with 20,000 people?

Oh yeah. Well, Wilt Chamberlain, the story according to his book, he was a basketball player in the '60s and '70s and probably one of the best of all time. 7 feet tall.

Yeah.

And he won a lot of championships for the Lakers too.

Sure.

He was a winner. 20,000 women he bedded.

He said he had sex with 20,000 women.

20,000 women. Yeah. It's so funny talking to you guys. It's literally like I came from another planet sometimes. Like, I brought up Wilt Chamberlain today and everybody in the room was like, duh, what? What are you talking about?

I mean, how old is he?

And then they go, and then when I say something that you guys don't understand, you get frustrated and you get insecure and you go, okay, boomer.

I've heard of Wilt Chamberlain, but how do you have sex with 20,000 people?

Well, I know, I kind of don't believe it either, Dave, but let's do the math on it.

'Cause you do 20,000 divided by 365, that's 54 years. That means for 54 years, he had sex with one girl a day. That's crazy.

So it's easy.

He's probably counting like he had sex with multiple people at one time.

Yeah.

So you're telling me there was days where he had sex with like 4 or 5 girls?

I would think so. I would think like, as you're the best basketball player in the world in the 1960s when no one had phones to like talk or anything, yeah, you take home 3 girls a night.

Were there even 20,000 women around in the '60s? Like, that's a pretty fucking insane number. And they must have all known each other, right? Like they must— it must have been like, oh, hey, it was great sleeping with you. Can you give me your friend's number? And there must have just been like that. Yeah, it couldn't have— like 20,000 is— that's a, that's a big number.

Well, like 3 in the morning, 3 at night, that's 6 in a day. So that you could probably—

I love how you're talking about it like you could do it. Well, it's obvious. It's exactly how I do it.

No, I'm thinking if I'm Wilt Chamberlain with a giant cock and, you know, no one said metabolism—

no one said he's a big penis.

Wilt Chamberlain?

Yeah.

Wilt Chamberlain doesn't have a big penis. The guy's 7'1". Oh, I mean, he must. I mean, that'd be a shame if he had a tiny cock. That'd be really funny. That'd be really— if he had a Jonas-sized penis.

Oh yeah, that would be—

that's good. How big is your penis, Dave?

You really want to know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just tell me.

Okay.

Have you measured it?

Of course, everyone's measured their penis.

Okay, where do you come out at?

Pretty long.

Give me flaccid and then give me erect.

Okay, deal.

It's 7 inches flaccid, 4 inches erect. It actually goes down.

Yeah. When I get hard, it just like shrivels up into a big oval.

Yeah. Who here? Who here has seen David's penis? Anybody? Okay.

Heath, Dima, Heath, Dima.

How big is David's penis?

Put your hand down.

I did not have my hand up.

I just raised my hand for the joke.

I haven't seen his dick.

Natalie, what's the biggest penis you ever saw?

Let's, let's ask a more appropriate question.

Okay.

Does size matter?

Oh, wow.

I thought it was just going to be straight up. No, no way. But she's really thinking about this.

Well, it depends. Like, I don't like it. No, I mean, not really.

It has to be over a certain height, but then you're good.

I mean, it's just not about the size of the boat.

It's about the motion of the ocean. Right, guys?

David's doing standup at Cobb's Comedy Club this weekend.

Well, no, that's like an actual thing.

No. Nat, have you ever been unsatisfied in bed? Have you ever had sex with someone you're like, never again?

No, because I haven't had sex with that many people.

Okay, fair enough. Really?

I'd say 45 is a lot of people, Natalie.

Yeah, you fucking wish I had sex with 45 people.

Yeah, I wish. That would turn me on.

I certainly do not wish.

Oh, Natalie's having sex with more people than I—

David, be honest. Do you have any cameras in Natalie's room?

That has nothing to do with the conversation right now.

That is literally my greatest fear, that my room is mic'd and cam'd at all times.

Did you know every time I go to random parties, check the air vents for cameras.

Oh, do you really?

Yeah, I always do. You do the same thing? I always think there's a camera that, like, I always think there's gonna be some party we're gonna go to and there's just some guy recording everybody's dick, and I always check the air vents.

Everyone's dick?

Do you put a piece of tape over your laptop camera?

No, I'm not that type of guy.

Okay, so you check vents everywhere you go, but when you jack off to porn, you're okay with a hacker just coming in seeing it?

Sure. I've been doing magic and I love it.

I'll be honest with you, they're not good magic tricks.

I mean, they're pretty good.

No, they're not, Jason.

You just—

you stop watching him. It's not magic.

I know, but it's kind of like with Wyatt when you're like, he does something that's like not great, but you want it to feel like it's great.

So you lie.

Yeah. So you just go, oh, it's awesome.

David is a grown-ass man.

You're a grown-ass man.

You know what, David? No more of that from now on, brother. Let me tell you something. With 2020, listen up, brother. In 2020, things are gonna change, okay? Natalie and I are gonna be fucking double-teaming your ass. That came out wrong. No, I'm telling you, brother, you're gonna— you're in for a rude awakening this January 2020. It's gonna start right after Christmas. Natalie and I are gonna fucking double-team your ass. I don't care if that sounds gross. We're gonna be ganging up on you. We're gonna take it. Natalie, we're not taking any more shit. Let me first stop saying the word double-team. But, but yeah, Natalie and I are fucking ganging up on your ass.

Really?

And you know what? It will get physical, brother. Brother. It can get physical. Like today when you sat around on the fucking couch and you wasted the whole goddamn day today. I was so angry at you.

I was showing you magic tricks.

Oh my God, these fucking magic tricks. Guys, listen, this is Jason on the mic now. This fucking guy learned some magic tricks from David Blaine, who's amazing, amazing magician. And now that's all David does is he does these magic tricks and he has Taylor plant the fucking cards all over. Like yesterday, he was doing this magic trick and then all of a sudden my phone rings and it's Taylor and she goes, ace of spades. Like that. And it was my card, but he like somehow had Taylor fucking call me. It's crazy. Tell me about Natalie's birthday. I missed it. I was— Yeah, I was taking care of my kids.

Natalie's birthday for the last 3 weeks.

Yeah. You guys are wiped.

Yeah, she's just been— she's been celebrating a lot. Zane ended up dislocating his elbow.

Oh my God. No way.

It was really funny. So he fell from Mike's shoulders. And we had to go to the hospital and we got to the hospital and he was like sitting in the room, like they were getting ready to do X-rays. And I'd look over and there's nurses giggling at a video of Zane falling on Insta Stories. And it was really funny 'cause none of them acknowledged that they knew who Zane was or anything. But it was just funny to watch them like watch Insta Stories of him being a drunk mess as they're about to basically operate on the guy.

But yeah. Did they go to like give him morphine and you're like, no, he's pretty fucked up, he's good.

They gave him a lot of drugs.

They did.

He was really fucked up when he got there because he was drunk when he got there. So they were like, have you done any drugs? Because they have to ask him, right? And he was like, yes. And I was like, no, he hasn't. And she's like, what drugs have you done, sir? And he goes, all of them. And I go, he hasn't done any drugs. And then like, she had to confirm with me if I was lying or if I was like trying to watch his back. I was like, no, he's fucking— he just— he drinks a lot. He doesn't do any drugs. And so yeah, it was a mess. And then we got home at 7 a.m. the next day. 7 AM we got from, from the hospital.

Then Natalie, how was your birthday? What was your favorite part?

My favorite part was David got me a brand new car.

Oh, the Bronco?

Yes, my dream car. Yeah, yep, I've wanted that. My mom and I used to like fight over who was gonna get it first, and she was actually here when, when I got it, and she started crying. Not because she was so excited, but she was like, damn it, Natalie, you got it first.

You know what I was thinking about the other day?

How stupid you are?

No, I was thinking about like how gross it is to rap, like how, how people rap about sex. Oh, and like sex is like a pretty weird thing. Like, okay, like when I think of sex, I think of like, I don't know why, but my head always goes to like dogs fucking, like dogs having sex, and like how just like funny and weird it looks, right?

Okay.

But it's so weird that like we've made it such a normal thing for like rappers to rap about sex, like it's like this cool thing, right? Do you know what I mean? Even though it's like this like pretty like animal-like beast-like thing to do, right? To have sex. Like, it's like you're humping another human. Like, it's like actually really fucking weird and looks really stupid.

We talk about sex on the podcast or in the vlogs. It's no different.

No, I know, but I just find it so interesting that like, that like it's kind of like, like sex is as glorified as it is because it really is like a weird fucking thing to do.

Like, it's like, are you taking a vow of celibacy again?

But yes. Yeah, I'm never having sex. So the other, the other day we were in Chicago.

Yeah.

And we got a security guard just to help us go with like day-by-day type of stuff.

Sure.

And, and then And then we found another security guard that we found through a friend, and he was more trustworthy because he's used them before. So we had to call the original security guard back and be like, hey, we found somebody. Thank you though, but we're going to go with him. And then that security guard got so mad, he called and he double-checked where we were going. And he's like, you guys are going to Dave Buster's, right? And we were like, yeah. And he posted on his Facebook my assistant's phone number and said, I'm having a meet and greet at that Dave Buster's. Wow. And everyone should come there at 7 PM. So he did the exact opposite of what we were hiring him to do. And that fucking insane. Well, man, it was scary.

That's fucking nuts.

Natalie, who's smarter, me or you? Who do you think is smarter? I think you're— Thank you. That's all. Idiot. What'd you say? Huh?

What'd you say? I said you're the smartest.

Dave, who got better? Who got better grades in high school?

In high school, we probably got the same.

We probably got the same grades. Yeah. A's and B's. Granted, I also cheated off Natalie on most of the tests, so that's why I had similar Stats. I don't know. I would say Natalie's more organized than me. That's where she wins. But like, what are you better at? I'm just sweeter. I'm nicer. I'm better to hang out with.

I'm a good friend. That has nothing to do with being smart. Let Natalie answer. What do you think David's good at in a smart way?

Well, let me say that about you first. You're very organized. You stay on task. You're very good at time managing. Because I don't know how you fit all those naps and all those meals into such a busy day. That's not the case. Okay, go. What am I better at?

Um, hey, you're good at, you know, being creative. That's not smart. Oh, we're still— we're still on intellectual.

Yeah, that's definitely that. I think that's smart, being creative.

You're innovative.

Oh, thank you.

Ooh, what a nice compliment. Wow. That's— that is the way I would describe myself if I had to.

Have you guys been being nice to each other lately?

Yeah, a lot. Like, really nice.

Why'd you get so defensive?

We're covering up some bad shit going on over here.

Fight at the Langham.

Did you? Oh my God, we did.

Would you have a fight?

I remember, like, barely.

We got in a fight because I was like, Natalie, I wish you were nicer to me when you were drunk. And then I'm not saying like nice, like it hurts my feelings. Yeah, I was just saying like, I just like, I would like the sweet Natalie sober back, you know? Like, now she should be sweet sometimes when she's sober.

I have so much fun with everybody when I'm drunk.

This is what she was saying when she's drunk too. It's like, yeah, I understand you have a lot of fun, but every time you're with me, it's like fucking the demons come out of you.

I don't think that's true at all. That's what you do to me. Really? You're nice to fucking everybody but me.

Oh, maybe she's projecting.

Maybe. So essentially, Natalie— you want Natalie to be nice to you when she's drunk? Yeah, I want Natalie to be nice to her because she seems to be nice to everybody when she's drunk, but she's not nice to you.

I think she like takes it out on me.

Do you get jealous that Natalie's off the clock and having fun with everybody and you're like, that's my Natalie? No.

Maybe some issues there? No, never. Because I— you know what happens is like, I'm like, oh, Natalie's having so much fun. And like, I, I have like the best interactions with people when they're drunk, right? And then I go over to Natalie, I'm like, oh, maybe Natalie's in a good mood too because everyone's in such a good mood. And then I talk to Natalie and she's like, whoa, What? And I'm like, and I'm like, Natalie, hello?

She's like, what do you want?

I think I'm like, Natalie, Natalie, chill, it's fine. I just want to know if you want to keep going out or you want to go back home.

She's like, don't talk to me right now. There's no way that there's, there's no way.

Sound like exactly.

I think I know what's going on here. She's probably like, she's probably expecting you to maybe say something like, go get me fucking 8,000 ping pong balls. This is literally turning into therapy, right? And, and, and so maybe she does like jump down your throat and you're, you're coming as as a friend because your roles are not delineated at all. It's very confusing. It's very blurry.

It's very confusing to be coworkers and also be friends.

Yeah.

There's very— I would not recommend it.

I will not agree with that. I think that the issue—

This is my last year. Way to go, Natalie. We're all out of a job. Right. Just be nice when you're drunk. Jesus.

This is the argument that I made that night too, is that I feel like I don't even talk to David when I'm drunk because I know that you're sober filming, doing whatever you're doing, and that you don't want to be bothered by whatever the hell I'm drunkenly doing.

Oh no, I think it's funny. I love being bothered by when Zane's drunk. I think it's the funniest thing. I love—

you said Zane's drunk, not when Natalie's drunk.

Exactly.

No, I know. Yeah, that's not what she's saying.

Yeah, because Zane's nice when he's drunk. Like, I like— I love drunk people.

I just—

I just find it's nicer. Are you not nice to David when you're drunk?

I don't— I mean, obviously I'm drunk, so I don't know.

But regardless, Natalie, I'm—

I'm— you think I'm a bitch? I do this thing when I—

I think you're the bestest girl ever, and I'm so happy to have you a part of the team.

And And what? Get on your knee now.

I'm not in love with you. I know you'd love that, but I'm not into you and I never will be. I'm actually into Jason.

Oh, so I went to buy Natalie's birthday gift the other day and I went in the store and I recognized the woman from behind the counter. She was in like my favorite TV show of all time and she's really, really, really funny and she's working retail and it was really depressing. Wow. And then I felt bad because I was like, I know you. She was like, oh no, no, you don't, you don't know me. And I was like, no. I'm like, oh. And then I said the show. She was like, it's me, it's me. But then it wasn't like too bad because I told her how much, how funny she was. She was like, you really made my day, thank you so much. I still felt bad because I was like, that's how hard it is to be an actor. That's like when Charlie wants to say she wants to be an actress, my daughter.

I'm just like, fucking crazy to be an actor.

You can have fucking— this woman, David, is 10 times funnier than you or me or fucking Natalie put together. Really? She's like golden and she's fucking—

she must be pretty funny, Natalie.

You know what I read the other day? The actor from Aladdin hasn't received an audition since his role in Aladdin.

Okay, and you told me that. Now why is that? Is it because the movie didn't do well or is it because—

no, the movie did great. It was a billion dollar movie.

Is that the movie?

I understand they said he had mediocre acting, so it was really hard for him to find a job after that.

Yeah, but that doesn't stop a ton of other people who are mediocre actors and get paid crazy money. Yeah, there's tons of mediocre actors out there. If you're in a blockbuster movie, you have a name and you should be able to carry a lot of weight.

What I'm trying to say is acting is not like— acting is like, that scares me so much. Like, you could be on a high for like a season of a show and then it's all gone. You got to start all over again. You got to start auditioning.

Oh, I did it, man. I would— I like, I would like book a pilot And then like all my friends, the same thing. Like we'd book pilots and be like, this is it, man. This is it. We're making $25,000 a week. And then of course, like the pilot gets made and it doesn't get picked up.

What was your biggest paycheck acting?

Probably like $25,000 for a pilot.

Oh, for one?

For one? Yeah. But then it didn't go.

Yeah, but that's crazy. It's nice. That's a lot of money.

Yeah, it was really nice.

Did you think that you were hitting it big?

Yeah, every time. And I was also younger then and stupid. So I'm like, this is it.

How many pilots do people book that don't actually turn into real TV shows?

People, people book a pilot every single year that don't burn TV shows.

When I was a kid, I didn't know what pilot meant, and I used to like look at new episodes of TV shows, and I just thought it was a coincidence that all the first episodes were named Pilot. And I thought it had something to do with like an actual like air traffic pilot.

Like, oh, that's funny. Why is the first episode always about the airport? Um, yeah, and that the network has a list of people that they go to too. So they're just— they constantly cast the same people, especially in like comedy, which was what I was trying to do. Yeah, so like if you look at a guy like the guy from like Big Bang Theory, um, who won all the Emmys, um, I can't remember his name, but he was like on their list for like a long time. Like, this guy's something. And finally got on a show that hit. What's the most embarrassing thing that's happened here since you've been working with David?

Well, this— Natalie caught me jerking off.

No, she didn't. Yeah. No, she didn't. Yeah. No way.

I don't believe you. David, like, hides in the corner of his bathroom and locks it.

Well, you would know exactly where I jerk off. In the corner of the bathroom.

That's weird. How do you know that? Got the cameras in there now. In your bathroom?

You got the cameras. I'm always scared getting caught masturbating by Natalie. That's like my biggest fear. Like, I'd rather have my parents walk in 30 times over and over, but like Natalie catching me jerking off, that's really going to—

that's really going to fucking—

that really bother you? Yeah, dude, do you know I caught Jason jerking off once?

Here we go.

No. Oh my God, it was fucking great. Jason was in his room. He didn't know I was in the living room of his own house, and I FaceTimed him. And right when I got off FaceTime, like, I wanted to go in there and like prank him and be like, I'm here. And I, and I, I just— I didn't even knock and just busted through the door. And he goes, he goes, uh, David, what are you doing here? He said it like that.

He's gonna—

couldn't afford a lock.

Oh my God, David, what are you doing What are you doing here? And immediately I'm like, oh, he's masturbating. I didn't see anything, but I'm like, I saw him cover up.

And the way he said it, I was like, I didn't cover up, he's jacking off. No, no, I didn't cover up. I was on the phone with you a second ago. Yeah, I was masturbating before you called, but once you called, I didn't go back to jacking off.

You picked up his phone call in the middle of—

hey man, we gotta make the fucking videos. So anyway, someone's gotta pay the rent.

I left his room. I didn't bring it up. Until the next day. Why didn't you? Because it was so awkward. It was awkward. And then the next day we were all sitting around in our living room and I had nothing to vlog, so I go, I have something funny to talk about. And Jason goes, ah, fuck, I know what you're about to bring up, even though we still haven't talked about it. And I was like, I caught Jason masturbating the other day. And he goes, damn it. Yeah, it is. It's really embarrassing to catch someone masturbating.

Well, it's like your vulnerable moment.

It's like the most vulnerable moment in the world, right? To be having like a time to yourself like that and you're alone. Yeah, it's tough, especially hard when you do it 4 times a day. There's a lot more risk in that.

I can't relate to that.

That's where I go.

Yeah. Well, Dave, I've got my Christmas list and I'm ready to give it to you.

You're checking it twice?

Like, what you want? I want a, uh, a lunch. I only have one thing on my list this year, and it is a just a nice lunch.

Just got a big time limit on it because, you know, he's gonna get in there, order his food, swallow it down in one gulp.

And yeah, you know what, now I didn't want to fucking do it. You're right.

I think lunch is a, is a reasonable request. Lunch, I, I think lunch is always a good idea. Dinners I don't like.

Lunches are good. You cancel dinners, I know. That's why I'm asking for lunch.

Yeah, I'll do lunches with you. I think lunch is like get things moving. Yeah, I agree. But dinners, dinners can sometimes put a stop to things.

Well, I— now when I eat, I just pass out, so I can't even have dinner anymore.

Yeah, yeah, right.

Oh, Natalie, come on.

Sorry. Yeah, right, you fat ass. There's no fucking way you're skipping dinner.

Now, if you were like gonna die tomorrow and I got your last meal, what would it be? How would you spend your last day eating?

Um, I'd call my mom. Okay. And I'd have her make me my favorite meal. What's your favorite meal? Um, she makes like Parmesan potatoes and skirt steak. Her skirt steak's really good.

Oh, skirt steak's my favorite.

Oh yeah, I tried it the other day. Smelled like fish.

You remember that? I remember that, but that's because you're a freaking weirdo.

I came in, I was like, what is this fish-smelling thing? And then she goes, well, because my steak. And I go, oh, oh, it smells great. And then I tried it.

And then, no, you were like, fuck this, it smells like fish, Jen. She was like, I never liked you, David.

What does your mother think of David?

David, she loves me.

No, she doesn't. She doesn't like David.

She says, Natalie, I know you're there to pay the bills and I respect that, but get the fuck out of there as soon as you can.

Come live with me in my trailer.

All right, come on, Jay. She doesn't like you either, motherfucker.

We all know it's not a trailer.

Yeah, it's a trailer by choice.

It's a trailer.

She doesn't even live in it.

She has her home.

Hold on, let me see. Yeah, it's on wheels.

Come live with me in my—

no, hold on, that's an actual—

come live with me in my trailer by choice. Yeah, there we go. Trailer by choice.

What a great line. Now, if you could be any animal—

I'm fucking lying because I'm a bitch.

Is that what you're about to say?

If you were a lion, would you take David's arm off?

If Natalie was a lion, I'd be an elephant and I'd just stomp on her head.

I don't know, I think a lion could take it.

No fucking way could a lion take down an elephant.

With their friends they can.

With their—

Natalie doesn't have any friends. Going back to the 2020 Hulkamania, brother. Double team right here.

No, even two lions can take down one elephant.

Yes. No, you got it enough.

Two lions can take down a giraffe, let alone an elephant. Yes, they could.

Nope.

Have you ever seen a wild video?

Wildlife video?

I see wild videos. I love improv. Four times a day I see wild videos. We had two different jokes going there. Oh yeah, Jason. By the way, guys, Jason's joke was wild and out. Also killer joke. Thanks, bro.

Yeah, this is better. This is better.

I'll give it to you. I brought it back to something earlier in the conversation.

Yeah, it was nice.

You know me.

Send it. Um, David now has two Christmas trees in his house right now. Just to give you an idea what's going on at Clickbait Manor, uh, there's two Christmas trees here. The one I bought him that was fake, which he declared was shit in the car today. He's like, we rode by a Christmas tree shop and I was like, oh, the Christmas tree shop. He's like, oh, let's get a, let's get a tree. I'm like, yeah, I got you a tree. He's like, no, not that fucking shit, a real tree. Which I get, like, real trees are nice, but Artificial trees are pretty good for what they are, and I was able to get it in November. I don't know.

November 2nd. This may sound like a very stupid question. Okay. What's better for the environment, a real tree or an artificial tree?

An artificial tree. Yeah, I think an artificial tree.

You think? All that plastic? Oh, but you have to— you have to reuse it.

That's the whole point of an artificial tree.

You pack it up and you reuse it.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, I forgot people reuse those trees.

Trees.

My parents throw it out every year. I've never— this is—

I've never—

the artificial tree— I've never had an artificial tree. You haven't? No. My parents, every time like someone would have an artificial tree— yeah, my parents would be like, look down on those people.

Yeah, yeah, mine too.

Yeah, like my parents— it's not Christmasy at all.

It makes a lot of sense why they hate my mother. We had an artificial tree.

Oh yeah, there's something so amazing about a real tree. I think Christmas trees should be year-round. I wanted to make this decision earlier. I think Christmas lights should be around, but go Christmas lights should definitely be here, at least the yellow ones, like the white yellow ones. Yeah, not like green and red, that's weird. But like Christmas lights are beautiful. But I think the Christmas tree makes everything feel so much more homier, like crazy.

Well, you know what that is? It's just greenery. It's just like plants. It's just a giant plant in your house.

You need more plants in your life.

Yeah, if you had like more plants, I feel like it would—

Yeah, but plants, Natalie, you know, you're just creating more work for yourself by saying this will make it feel like I live in a jungle.

We put plants in like a couple months ago, and they're all dead.

Remember when you guys put the— put the selfie wall, the Polaroid on the wall? Yes, that was the fucking best. Natalie took all these Polaroids of people, and they were like really great photos, and they were like lying around the house. And then one day she decided to like make like a wall of like Polaroids, collage wall photos. As I was watching her doing it, I'm like, Dave's gonna fucking hate this. They were just Polaroids on a wall.

He took one step out of his room and he was like, what the fuck? This is what you've been doing for the past 2 hours?

I just died laughing when I saw them, and they spent a lot of time on it. Yeah, and they were trying to be helpful and it just didn't work.

Yeah, oh well, whatever.

Yeah, what are you gonna do? Cut that one out.

Where are you guys— where are you gonna be on Christmas, Dave?

I'm probably gonna be back home.

Yeah, but what are you gonna be doing?

You're gonna be filming?

You will be. You will be back home. Okay, I'll be back home. He won't.

I will. I will.

What are you gonna be doing?

Spreading Christmas joy. You're right. Hey, I have a new house. I've offered you to come see it a bunch. Fucking ignore me every time.

No, I said I'm down. I just need to be in the right mood for it.

What kind of mood is that?

I have nothing better to do. No, I will go see it.

I'm— now, you were nice yesterday. You're like, I'm down for that. But then today came and went because you sat around doing magic tricks all day.

You know why? And I'll be honest with you, like, why I've been sitting around all day. I would love to know. And this is— this is the only time I'm ever gonna say it because I never want to say this out loud again.

I felt a little under— everybody hear that? David never wants to say this out loud ever again.

Okay, Natalie, don't make me yell at you like I did at the Langham. No, I don't. I was feeling under the weather today, but I didn't want to— I didn't want to verbalize it. I didn't want to say it out loud. Yeah, cuz you knew I'd walk right out the door. No, because— no, because I knew then I'd then I'd be like, in my head, be like, oh, I'm gonna—

like, if I knew, if I say it out loud, next time please verbalize it so I can go on with my day.

Our manager Jack Reed is here.

What's up, Jack?

Guys, how are you? Say your catchphrase so people know who you are.

My man.

My man. That's his catchphrase.

That's it.

We're here. Right before David was about to present for the AMAs, I got a text from him with the script, and he was supposed to say the—

and by script, it was, it was 2 lines.

Lines.

Like, I didn't have any serious dialogue in this presentation.

It's like 12 words. Yeah. And the word— the last 3 words were 'the incomparable Kesha.' And David had texted me saying, all freaking out about whether he should say the word 'incomparable.' So my script said 'incomparable,' and the way 'incomparable' spelled is it's set—

it's 'incomparable.' Like, that's how it's spelled out, but it's read 'incomparable.' And I'm like, I cannot— I cannot do this and fuck this up. This is my first time presenting. So when we got— when we got, like, right before I started presenting, like, you meet with the producers and they're like, do you want to— do you want change anything about your script? And I was like, yeah, absolutely. I had no idea I was gonna be able to do this. Can I change incomparable to incredible? And they're like, yeah, totally, it's totally fine. And I was making such a big fucking deal out of it. Like, I was in my Uber on the way over there and I kept going, incomparable, incomparable, incomparable, incomparable. I was so fucking nervous about one word. And, and I was like, I was like, they're not gonna let me change it because I feel like Kesha wants to be called incomparable. Like, I feel like she's not gonna want it. Sure, she's not gonna want to be called incredible.

This came from the Kesha people. She must be called them comparable.

Yeah, because I mean, like, I'm like, Kesha's more than incredible. Like, she's gonna want like a cooler word, like incomparable. Yeah. So I was like, they're not gonna let me fucking change it, but they let me change it. So I want to give a quick shout out to the incomparable and incredible Kesha. What's up, Kesha? What's up, Kesha? Thank you for, for letting me change the words so I could have an easier time. It's so funny because like, I think I brought this up on the other podcast, but it's, it's so crazy how like I made such a big deal out of my two lines Like, I'm like shitting bricks, like, to present these two lines on television when there's like Lizzo, Billie Eilish, and all these who have like these choreographed huge set pieces where they're singing these ballads.

Yeah.

And all I have to do is go, here's Kesha. But I'm like fucking shaking in the back. But everyone else there has like these fucking huge roles they're playing.

I know. I was so nervous.

Is that the most nervous you've been?

Um, no, not the most. When I was— when I hosted the Teen Choice Awards, Teen Choice, you were most nervous. I mean, that's crazy. I can't believe they let me fucking host the show just like that. Like, that's pretty crazy. And I almost was too scared. I almost said no.

I know, there's like a— no, I'll be honest, out of 2019, that was like a big point where I was like, fuck, David's really going for this. I was like—

because remember, we were iffy.

Yeah, we really were.

We weren't like—

I remember I was in New York, I was sitting outside Casey's office, and we were on the phone for like 30, 40 minutes, like like, do I do this? Do I do this? And like, I really wanted to do it, but I was super scared to say yes. And I'm so, so, so fucking glad I did it because it was one of the best experiences—

agreed—

I think I ever had in my entire life. Like, looking back at it, it was a lot of fun.

Yeah, I was like, I was very proud that you did.

Speaking of being proud, do you think— I was thinking about this earlier— oh sure, who do you think— well, you, you brought up something earlier. You think I should get you a car? I didn't say it like that. You did.

I just said I saw a recent vlog where Natalie got another car.

Sure.

And so Natalie now has two cars in the driveway. I saw. And so I'm just wondering, one's a Mercedes, which is great. So that's like her day-to-day car. Yeah, it's like her CVS.

You think there's too many?

Well, yeah, because now— so she just— she almost has a secondary car.

Yeah.

And then I guess me, you know, who's been working with you for like 5, 6 years.

Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, maybe.

I don't know.

It just sort of seems like— you want Jack?

I don't know. You know, I don't know.

I don't know. Audi A6. No, but okay, explain. Who do you think— well, Jay, you, in your unbiased opinion.

Yeah.

Who do you think should get who a car first? Should I get Jack a car or should Jack get me a car?

Well, that's tough because you make way more money than Jack, so I don't think Jack can afford to buy you a car. Great.

Okay.

And equal, equal value to him. So like me buying him a car maybe is like him buying me like a motorcycle or something.

I don't know. Okay.

And I'll say this though, it's more about like other people kind of like— because to me, I know like David's savvy and he's doing— he's a great video, got a lot of views. So it's like he's not doing it to spite me, right? But at the same time, I get all these DMs and texts like, yo bro, like where's your car at?

Yeah.

And I've gotten one DM like that.

No, no, no, I mean 8 or 9.

And I'm like, yeah, it's coming, it's coming, you know. Jason, who do you think deserves— does Jack deserve one car or does Natalie deserve her second car?

Natalie deserves 8 or 9 cars, okay, for just dealing with him every day. You know, you pop in here, Jack, you pop in for a little bit and then you leave.

Jack, you're here once a month.

We won't see you for another month here.

Yeah, well, I asked to be on more, but David always says—

what does Jack do when Natalie's here? What do you mean? Well, go into the whole thing where you're talking about Natalie's working hard and Jackson. I remember it. My fucking God. You know what?

We're losing. You know what? I think I need to go sleep. I'm not having a good day. I think I got up too early the last two mornings. Really?

Yeah.

I don't have it anymore. I might be out. I might be done. I can't remember what that bit was. Guys, I'm feeling a little down today.

Yeah.

What's wrong? Because I'm just—

Are you bummed out that you messed up that meeting?

Yeah, I feel pretty bad about it. Is that what it is? We had a meeting just now and I wasn't good in the meeting, but I just haven't been sleeping much.

Jason had a serious cough attack during our meeting. Yeah, big meeting. And he left with about 20 people. With 20 people in my living room.

It's not 20 people! It keeps getting bigger and bigger every time you tell the story.

Okay, it was like, it was like 14.

You know what hurts the most?

What?

When you laugh at me, it doesn't hurt at all. When Demon makes fun of me, it doesn't hurt. When Natalie laughs, oh my God, it hurts so bad. It hurts so bad. I don't know why. Because she doesn't laugh that much. She doesn't think things are that funny in general. Yeah, but when I fuck something up and Natalie goes, Jason fucked up like that, oh, Jason hurts the most.

Jason's bringing this up because right after the meeting I go, Natalie, dude, how about Jason fucking up that entire meeting? And Natalie almost spit out the burrito she was working on. She literally almost spit it out because she's like, yes, 100%.

I guess I pitched a TikTok idea that wasn't good. I mean, I don't know.

Jason during the meeting pitches I hate it.

I hate it here. I've got up twice the last 2 mornings to do bits really early.

I hate it here.

No, I'm just out of it today. Okay.

And then we made fun of him for pitching the TikTok idea, and now he's a little bit out of it. Jay, you're fine.

We appreciate you. What if I start crying right now?

I wouldn't be surprised.

It's like, leave that in.

Oh, man, this podcast. I'm telling you, that's another problem. This podcast. This fucking getting on me, man. It's getting, getting hard to make this fucking podcast. Really? It really is.

This one was like— this one was really breezy.

You don't do anything. You just sit there and talk. You don't fucking go in the back with Dima and argue about shit.

We have a— we have Scott here as one of the guests on our podcast. Scott is one of our closest friends. Interesting friends. Our least interesting friend. No, not true at all. Scott's been on tour for the last, what, 30, 40 days? Uh, yeah, about 40 days. How many, how many days, how many cities did you do? We did 30 cities. 30 cities.

It's—

he went— he was on a bus for 30 different cities, like in a row. He wasn't home for 30 cities. He did this entire thing, this entire tour.

You gotta understand, Scott's life is, is pretty great. He's got a great girlfriend, he's in shape, he goes to the gym every day, he eats right. Yeah, that's a lot.

It's a lot giving that up. Yeah, 30 to 40 days. And, and I'm curious, I like getting into the financials of things. And so Scott told us how much he made from this tour, and I'm— I don't know, you do want to— do you want to say how much you made? Sure.

Well, I can tell you what I was estimated to make. Okay. It was about $70,000 for doing a, you know, the full tour would be like what I was supposed to make.

So the full tour would have gotten you 70 grand? Because you have to keep in mind you have to pay for everybody all the crew, all the people that are in the band, like everybody, the hotels, the travel, the gas.

It's extremely expensive. Like even just doing like the bus itself was— is like $50,000 because you're paying for gas, you're paying for the driver, you're paying for renting the bus, you're paying for hotels for 10 crew members. So whenever we stop and like if we have an off day, we would get hotels.

Yeah.

So that we can poop because you can't poop on the bus. So $70,000 was your expected to earn and somehow I ended up making -$175,000 about.

That is fucking insane. That's ridiculous. It makes it— okay, it makes no sense to me because, well, first off, I went to one of Scott's shows and it was really, really, really great. It's a lot better. Like, I mean, I don't even want to compare it to when he started because it just doesn't make sense.

But do you remember the first show was— I did Sad Song at your first podcast show.

I remember forgetting the lyrics.

I didn't know anything. I had never rehearsed. I'd never Like, I read those lyrics off of a piece of paper when I was rapping it.

Like, yeah, I literally, I literally want to like fucking start a GoFundMe. That is ridiculous. And not only that, you were, you were sick the entire tour because tour, tour is such hard work. I wish people understood it. And just the fact that somehow the budgeting didn't work out and you lost $175,000 is the most insane story to me. You texted us that and my fucking jaw hit the floor.

It's, it's crazy. Imagine someone like— I'm lucky. I'm very lucky that I had enough money in my account to where, like, I didn't go negative overall after this tour. Like, I could be homeless right now if I went on this tour thinking I was going to make money and lost a bunch of it.

Yeah, you're very lucky.

It's insane. Like, I didn't think that this was a gamble. I thought that what I was projected to make would be what I was going to make.

Moral of the story is Scott's a great dude. Dude, go listen to his music. Go check out his songs. Serious, serious dope songs. And there's a lot of improvement. I— go listen to his like first song and then go listen to the shit he's putting out now. It's really, really, really, really fucking— where can people find the music? Uh, we'll cut this out.

Just type in Scotty Sire anywhere.

All right, well, thanks Scott for joining us for that part of the podcast.

Thanks for having me. Thanks for letting me share how much money that I don't have.

That is the craziest story I think I'll You want to collab on merch again? Sure. Everybody knows that I'm the oldest guy here. True. And I might not be able to live much longer. Who knows? I could go any day. Yeah. So I thought it would be smart if we do some co-host auditions in case I go.

Okay, so who vibes with me the most?

Yeah, who— we're gonna see who vibes with you the most. You get, uh, you get 30 seconds to vibe with David. Todd, go. And go and do like, welcome back to Views.

Yeah, go ahead. What's up guys, welcome back to Views. I'm here with one of my friends who's slept with the majority of my other friends.

Hey David, you know what, maybe I have. What do you have to say about it, huh?

I think we're vibing great already, Todd.

I think, you know, I think I just do it for, for you. I do it for you and your content so you can talk about it and you can make fun of me. You can ask him, that's right, how great I am in bed.

That's why, that's why I fuck with it hardcore. I also should say, Todd, he's one of my closest friends. He is the biggest thickest fingers you will ever see in your entire life. Even grabbing the mic, I'm scared he's gonna crush the mic because his fingers are so big.

I am pretty tense right now because I'm a little nervous. I'm kidding, I'm not. I'm grabbing the mic every time. I just want to say something about David's— that's pretty good. He has the nicest ass in the group besides Natalie. Thank you. What a nice thing to say.

Natalie just threw up.

Oh, here we go. Here's tryout number 2, Carly and Contro.

This is kind What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. I'm here with one of my friends who looks like she's 17, even though she's 42.

Hello, Carly.

How are you?

Hey, what about my fingers?

You have probably the smallest fingers in the world.

Okay, thanks. Is that my time?

No, no, you got to vibe back. We vibing. No, no, she's quoting TikTok.

We don't have to do this.

No. Could you imagine? Like, that's how I record the podcast with you. You're like, why do we have to record a podcast? We already have good conversations.

Why are you talking to me about this again?

Well, Carly, you have to— usually you have to insult me back because Jason would give an insult back after I insult him.

You're too funny. That's pretty good. Too funny, it hurts my stomach.

I think I'm gonna keep her.

Thank you, Carly.

That's how you do it, Jason.

All right, that was Carly Contra. Here's audition number 3, Natalie Meridwina.

What's up, guys?

Welcome to View— whatever, David, no one gives a fuck.

Goodbye. I like that one the least, Jason. Door number 3 is my least favorite.

Can I take mine back? I got kind of nervous and I said pretty—

some regretful things. What did you compliment?

Natalie's butt? Yeah, that was just out of left field.

I don't mean that. No. Natalie, how did you feel about Todd complimenting your butt?

Thank you, Todd. I really appreciate it.

You're right, she is nice to everybody but you.

All right, well guys, that's all the time we have for— all right guys, well that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. It's been of Views podcast. Um, go buy Jason's merch, go check out my merch, go check out our Instagrams. Um, we'll see you guys soon. My name is Jeff.

Go check out Todd's Instagram, it's lit. Thank you, Jason.