Confronting Man Who Broke Into My Home

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I talk about ways that he can get back together with his ex-wife.

Well, I feel as if the ski mask idea is—

Just breaking into the house?

It's too much. I like it, I like it, I know it would grab her attention, but it's too much. Do you think so?

Yeah, I don't think she's gonna appreciate the ski mask.

Because again—

Because you want to surprise her with the skiing vacation that way, right?

Exactly. Well, that's what I'm worried about.

Is maybe it's not the best way to surprise her with the ski mask.

Yeah, yeah, it's like, I'm gonna kill you, we're going to the mountains.

Um, what's up guys, welcome back to Views. Um, no ad today. I don't know where the hell MeUndies went. MeUndies just left. NatureBox, maybe the last thing we said kind of offended them, they may have dipped. Oh, fuck you, MeUndies.

Oh, yay. I don't think that's the way it was explained to us at all on the phone call. I don't know why you're coming out like hot like this.

They're just taking a break. They're just like, yeah, we just don't have an ad Man, chill.

Yeah, they're ad buys. They like us a lot, actually.

I know, I was just kidding.

Okay, good.

Jason's like, cut it out, stop, don't do this.

We need this. We need MeUndies.

But no ads today.

I like MeUndies and NatureBox because I actually like the stuff.

I know, and it's a bummer when we don't have ads because it's usually just something we can talk about.

And it kills a good 4 minutes.

Yeah.

I'm willing to stretch an ad to 8 minutes, and even David will be like, all right, all right, that's enough. But I'm willing to go MeUndies.

I'm willing to talk about MeUndies right now, even though they're not paying us. All right, guys, roll the intro music.

That was the intro music by Bruce Wegner. Yeah, he's, uh, he's this guy who made up with him this week. I was gonna say he hates Jason, but you made up with him this week.

Came to my house one day while you were not there. Okay, knocked on the door. Yeah, and he said, fuck you, turd.

I think you made up with him.

I think that's a step in the right direction. It's a lot nicer than he said.

I was, I was just sitting here before we started the podcast I guess, with Jason, and he sends his recent YouTube video to some girl or to someone through texting.

And I'm Snoopy and I'm always curious.

So I'm like, you are Snoopy. Yeah, so the stupidest.

And nothing goes by you. Nothing.

Yeah, so I'm—

so he sends this video to this girl and I'm like, who'd you just send your YouTube video to? And he's like, oh, just this girl. And I'm like, what was, what was the point of it?

And she's like, well, earlier she texted me 'What you up to?' And I said, 'Nothing, just editing my video.' And she responded, 'Ooh, I'd love to see it when you're done.' So he hasn't texted this girl back in like 8 hours and just decided to send her the video because he's finished with it. Like, that's how literal Jason is when he's texting.

Yeah, I like being literal. I like following up with what I say I'm gonna do. It keeps me sane.

'Hey, how you doing? Training for a marathon.' 'Ooh, I'd love to hear your results when you're done.' Texts her back in 5 months.

'Ah, finished 36. Could've done Better.

You asked.

I know, but it's just funny that that's how you communicate with her.

What was I supposed to say?

You should have texted her back right away, be like, yeah, that'd be dope.

I did.

I'll send it to you.

I did.

I said, okay, I will, with an exclamation point.

I know, but you had to be like, what about you? What are you up to?

I should have said that just now.

Yeah.

What are you up to?

No, you're good. You're good. We'll do it another time. We'll do it another time.

My house got broken into. Yeah.

Which is probably going to be the title of this podcast.

So I want to dive right into it.

All right.

Look what's going on with you right now.

I don't know.

Are you nervous about something?

Yeah, I think, I think your feet are just smelling so much.

My feet don't look like they were, uh, dipped in fucking, uh, scum water.

What?

Your, your hands look like you're like, you're drenched.

Yeah, I'm drenched.

I don't, I don't know what's going on.

I just have anxiety.

Sick.

Yeah.

Oh, you get anxiety?

Everyone gets anxiety.

I don't think you did. I—

well, I don't.

Okay.

Anyway, my house got broken into recently.

Yes.

Um, I made a vlog about it.

Um, so I mean, a lot of people were texting us at 3 in the morning. I think you need to come over, which alarmed Scott and I, like, oh great, what's gonna happen to us?

First I texted the group chat and I'm like, I think there's someone in my house.

You know, when bad shit happens to you now, like, no one's gonna believe you.

What do you mean?

Like, you're pretty young, you're very young, and like nothing bad's happened to you yet, but like when crisis come to you now—

But it's not like—

Your friends are gonna be like, "Yeah, right, David." But it's not like I fake this break-in. You're like, "There's a bear on top of me. There's an alligator that bit my leg." We were like, "Uh-huh." No, I know you didn't fake it. That's the thing.

Oh, 'cause you're saying everyone was— all our friends came up to me. Literally, I got so many—

The closest of your friends.

Yeah, like the friends that just, you know—

Josh Peck.

That see me every day. They're like, "Come on, tell me the truth.

Was that fake?" Yeah.

And it was so confusing to me. I'm like, "No, it wasn't fake." I just didn't understand the argument there.

It would have cost you $70,000 to fake that.

It would have literally cost me.

So, I would have been prepared with better jokes if it was an $80,000 gig, because an ambulance came. I didn't even show up, but the fire truck was there. I was in the back, and there were like 4 or 5 police cars. No, I got broken into, and it was— I wouldn't say broken into.

Who sends in the fire truck always? It seems like an unnecessary send. Most times.

Well, just to put out— just to turn on the hose.

Just spray him down?

No, it was kind of like— it's a dirty Dom joke. He's like, you know why they call me the fireman?

Why?

Because I turn on the hose. It didn't land. Okay, let's go.

No, I get it. It landed.

No, but okay, so I came home. It was late. It was like 2 AM. It was like 1:45, and I see a light on. And the second, like, I walk by the office, the light is on in there. I assume Alex is home, he's doing something. But there's clothes all around my house and they're not mine, and it smells awful. And then I look into the office and it's this maybe Mexican man, um, just laying on the couch, just completely asleep, just passed out in my clothes. It's insane. And like, it's— that's the scariest moment. There's, there's not like— it's—

it was—

imagine like a scary movie, like when you're watching and you cover your eyes and then something pops out. Then you uncover your eyes because it's already like, you know, it's happened, you're in the moment. So like, that's what happened. The only scary part of being broken into was that immediate reaction. It's like, holy shit, this guy's in my house, I'm staring at him right now, what's gonna happen? But like, you get over it and like literally like 20 seconds, because you're like, okay, he's asleep. I've made some noise. I've walked around. I clicked my camera on immediately, and I thought—

good for you—

I thought he was gonna think it was like a gun I was cocking, and I thought he was gonna pull something out of his back and just shoot me in the face, which didn't happen. Um, but, but no, it, it turned out—

then what did you do exactly? Because I know what I would have done in that moment. I, I would have left the house.

Yeah, I went, I went to the kitchen, and I, I tried to set up my camera. I tried filming an intro.

Yeah.

But I couldn't because I kept looking over. So I called the police. I'm like, the right thing is to call the police.

You filmed an intro before you called the police?

I tried, but I couldn't. And I called the police. And I'm like, there's someone in my house. Please come. And they're like, OK, on. And I hung up, put my phone down. Oh, because I needed to either call the— I assumed that I was going to be with the police for a really long time. So I wanted to get that over with because I wanted to use my flashlight. Lighten up my face because I didn't want to turn on the lights in my house because that would have gotten really intense and the video wouldn't have been as good because it would have been during the— the lights would have been on, no one would have even been scared.

Oh my God.

But yeah.

I'm getting such a picture of how messed up we all are right now.

But yeah, then I just did an intro like there's someone in my house and obviously this guy wasn't going to murder me and I knew this.

You did a reaction video.

I did a reaction video.

Yeah, I played the Try Not to Laugh challenge with him. We had a Q&A.

I really, really badly— if I would have known my— the main reason I ended up calling the police in the first place is because I couldn't see what was in my bedroom. In my bedroom, my bedroom door was cracked open a little bit and it was really dark inside. And just the first thing I thought of is, okay, well, if you're gonna break into my house to sleep here, why would you not sleep on my bed in my master bedroom? And I'm like, okay, well, there must be— there must be 4 other people in the room, like, just sleeping on my bed, just like a big group of them.

Yeah.

So that's why I didn't like just mess with him. That's what— like, if I would have known it was just him, like, I could easily— I was easily able to tell that this guy was passed out, that he was like on some kind of drugs. He's not here just taking a random nap. And like, I would have— it would have been very fun to go up to him.

He's just taking a random nap.

I know, but not like sober. Like, it wasn't like, okay, it's time for a nap. Let me find a house and I'll kill someone if they walk in. I could tell that he was just drunk. There was alcohol all over the place. And if I would have had, if I would have known that it was just him, I would have loved to set up a tripod.

Right.

And, or just like held the camera like and sat right by him and been like, hey, and waited. Like just been like a little smartass. Like be like, hey, what's up? You know, like when like a 3-year-old like figures out something.

Hey, what's up?

How you doing? Busted.

But, um, you're on my YouTube channel.

You're on my YouTube channel. And, and like I, and then, and then I had the option to press charges when the police came and I didn't want to go to court and he wasn't, how long did it take the police to come? Um, like solid 8 minutes.

That's pretty good.

It's very good. And, um, yeah, and I didn't want to press any charges because I didn't want to go to court.

What'd you say? Uh, there's an intruder in my house. There's a guy.

Yeah, I said there's a guy in my house. I mean, it sounded like— it sounded scary. I'm like, there's a guy in my house, please come send people. And I hung up.

That was it?

That was it.

I hung up and stayed on the phone with them.

Well, no, I gave him my address and I hung up because you didn't want to wake him. I needed to shoot, and I knew she would be— and I wanted to call Liza to show her, right?

Because I know Liza wouldn't believe me, and so I wanted to show her.

Um, no, but—

and what did she say? Get out of the house?

Yeah, she was like, just be careful. Um, I, I— yeah, yeah. But I mean, it was, it was overall, it was such a crazy experience being broken into. It was so surreal. And it was—

is it hard to come home here now?

The, uh, the scary part about coming home is always the, like, the initial thing, like the initial fear of there being something in. But after I check it out and there's no one here, I'm good. I was scared that it was gonna— that he was maybe gonna watch it and he was gonna come back. I showed Liza, I showed Liza, and she felt really bad for him. Yeah, which shows what kind of a person she is, you know? Yeah, weak. No, she just has like a heart like that where she like— she's like, oh, he's— there's obviously something wrong with him, like, you know, he's mentally not stable. Like, that's, you know, because I was gonna use him as my thumbnail, like his face in the medical chair. And he's like— she's like, I don't know if that's the right thing to do because you could— he just— you could see like that he's completely not there, right? And like, I understand that, but like at the same time, he broke into my house, you know what I mean? Like, he owes me.

He owes me a YouTube video.

Like, I'm not sending him to jail.

Like, you don't know if he owes you anything.

Yeah, but like there's some kind of punishment, right? And this punishment, I chose public embarrassment, right?

Right.

That's what it was.

That's fair.

And I didn't send him to jail because, well, one, because I didn't want to go to court, and two, because that would be just really messed up.

I think so. Yeah, I'm glad you didn't send him to jail.

And then actually the next morning I was driving out over to edit the video— actually, 2, 3 mornings away— over, uh, 2, 3 mornings after, I was driving over to your place to edit a video, and he was sitting, uh, maybe a quarter of a mile away from my house, just on the Walgreens. Yeah, he's at the Walgreens. Just sitting on the ground. Why didn't I stop and talk to him? Yeah, because I needed to edit the video and I knew it wasn't going to go in that, that video. It would have had to been a separate video, right? But if I see him again, I'm gonna, I'm gonna stop and I'm gonna do a little fun Q&A.

You've been looking for him, right? We looked for him yesterday.

We looked for him yesterday because he wanted to do a question and answer, and then we wanted to give him $1,000, but we figured that that may just make him want to come back. Um, but yeah, so that's my break-in story. It was fun. Break— being broken into was great. We went to Vegas recently. Yeah, um, Jason brought Coke.

I did. I brought Coke on the plane.

Huh?

I did.

Are we allowed to talk about it?

Talk about what?

The Coke you brought.

I didn't bring any Coke. What are you talking about?

So we're not— so you don't want to talk about it?

The Coke you did, you mean?

Yeah, the Coke we all did.

Oh, the Coke we all did.

Jason had— so this is the only reason I'm bringing this up is because we're walking from the fight We're walking from the fight back to our hotel with pot.

I had pot in my pocket.

Oh yeah, he had—

so he had coke in his pocket.

Don't send me down the river.

Yeah, okay, we all, we all had coke in our pocket.

No, Jason had pot in his pocket and we're walking by, um, walking by like a bunch of dogs. They're like bomb sniffing dogs. Jason just completely 90-degree angles and walks completely away from the dogs. And David was the only one who caught it and no one notices It's so funny because we're all walking one direction, all of a sudden we're all heading the complete opposite direction because Jason saw these dogs and I start laughing my ass off and Jason's like, stop laughing.

I love that. I, I was like, no one will know that this is what I'm doing. And then of course I hear you and I was like, ah, and I, I didn't even try to deny it. I was just like, just stop, stop it.

Just stop.

Um, yeah, that was super fun. We got on a private plane.

I lost a lot of money.

I lost $3,000, which is super awesome.

Sea Geek took us there.

Amazing company.

They didn't ask for a plug in this podcast.

Fucking give them a plug, dude.

Jesus Christ, what do you want? I'm just saying that's really generous.

Oh, whatever. Sea Geek, Sea Geek, Sea Geek, Sea Geek.

Stop it.

Um, I lost $3,000 gambling.

Yeah, David kept making me take money out of the— my account. And then I have a limit on my account and you act like I'm— like I'm fucking up somehow.

When Jason can't get more money on the account, I start like a bad addict I'm like, Jason, what the fuck?

Yeah, then you're like, go stand in a line. You're like, go stand in that line. It's like a really long line. See if you can get cash out that way.

It's—

I gave you $700.

He gave me $700, and then I lost it because I was playing this game where you can double your money or you lose all of it, and I lost it. So I'm like, screw it, Jason, go get me $1,400. Yeah, so Jason got me the $1,400.

Did I get you 7?

You got me like $700, and then Casey got me more.

Right.

And I lost that. So now I was down— I was down, you know, $2,100.

Jesus Christ.

So, um, Scott gave me $100 and I played blackjack with it and I made $600. So now I had like $800 in total. Casey took some more money out for me. I owe Casey money. And then I went and I gambled all that and I lost it.

So how much were you down?

I'm down a little over $3,000. Um, Jason, We were in Vegas, and Jason was watching some footage of Hurricane Houston.

Oh yeah.

Hurricane Harvey, I don't know. And Jason was making some jokes about it on the television.

We were—

They're not bad jokes.

No, yeah, go ahead. You tell yours, and then I'll tell mine.

No, go ahead.

No, we were in Vegas all weekend. We weren't really looking at the news. We had heard there was a storm that was pretty bad. I had heard there was a hurricane, but I didn't know it was that bad. So then we're waiting to get on the plane back, and there's— the sound is on in the cafe. No, the TV's on in the cafe. There's no sound, and there's a woman in the field and a guy, a news anchor, talking to her. And, you know, she's out somewhere, and there's just a bunch of water behind her.

And it's just a bunch of water behind her, and Zane and Jason are cracking jokes about the water and how her yoga and her Pilates class is probably gonna be canceled and stuff like that.

And how she's gonna get fat.

Because, because she can't get to her Pilates class, right? Right.

Yeah. And so we made some jokes and it was pretty fun. I thought it was pretty funny. And then I went back on Monday and started editing and I got all screwed up because I went to Elton's, um, our friend was like staying at a dog shelter. And so that like took a lot of my days. When I started editing, I was way behind because I had so much footage from Las Vegas. And it got to that part and it just made me laugh and it was like the funniest thing I had in the whole vlog. And I was like, huh, I was like, oh, that's— I guess that could be misconstrued because it's Houston.

Long story short, he put it in the vlog and a couple hours later he got a bunch of bad comments from it.

The next morning I woke up and he pulled the vlog.

Yeah, and that's funny because last time I talked to Jason, he said that I shouldn't give a crap about comments because I'm a comedian. Yeah, and it doesn't matter what other people say.

I know, but that's different.

That was a different—

that was different. Well, because this is what I thought, said to myself. I woke up, I saw the comments, I was pissed off. I was like, that's not what I meant. I didn't mean to make fun of the people in Houston. And I was like— and then, you know, some of the comments defended me, like, oh yeah, obviously he's making fun of like stupid white girls or whatever. And they did— they just kept pouring in. And then I thought to myself, well, I thought about like my comedic my idols, or not my idols, or people that I admire in comedy, like, like, like, like Jon Stewart or whoever, Stephen Colbert. And I'm like, though, they wouldn't, they wouldn't make that joke. So I was like, all right, I better pull it.

Fair enough.

That was what I thought.

So it's a real, um, real hypocritical move there by Jason Nash. That's, uh, well, tell me about it.

Why do you think it's hypocritical?

That's one for being—

I think it's different.

I don't think it's different because I think it's kind of like me making a Me making a joke about Seth eating watermelon. Seth is our black friend. And then people say, "You don't know what black people go through. You're not allowed to make jokes like that. That's fucked up." And when I wasn't meaning to offend people that have actually gone through some hard shit.

Do you stand by the joke? That's all it is. I don't stand by the joke anymore.

I don't either because I just get scared of the comments. And you didn't stand by the joke either.

But I don't stand by the joke because it just—

I understand, I understand what you're saying, you know, but I'm glad you got a taste of what the comments can do.

Yeah, it sucked. Yeah, the video is doing really good. Yeah, and I lost money on it, and I was so— and I'm so mad. I was like, I was mad at myself. I was like, I was gonna call Liza too and have her watch it because she was from Houston, and I didn't.

You're gonna call Liza and have her comment to make, to make it all okay?

Liza, please cover this up for me.

Cover this up.

Move this over, please.

She comments It is okay.

Everyone goes, yeah!

And we live in it. We— you, you and I are— I can only speak for myself— we live in a bubble doing these videos. They're just like, they take up so much time, and you don't turn on the TV during the day because you're editing. And then the next thing, my next feeling was like, but then I gave a bunch of money today. I gave $110 today to the rec— this is what it is, huh?

What a show-off.

Yeah, that's right, I'm gonna show off a little bit. That's right, I'll fucking flex my muscles after too, and you make you look at it, little bitch.

A little bit.

So I gave—

that's the guy who donated money to Hurricane Dan Harvey, a straight-up jackass.

I texted $10 and then I PayPal another $100. I gave $110. Then I get comments on Twitter, why are you using Red Cross? Like tons. Apparently Red Cross didn't give all the money from Haiti. It's like you could do nothing right.

You can't.

It's awful. Yeah, I was so mad. Like, like, why even—

why are you using Red Cross, you fucking idiot?

Yeah, like, I don't know.

That's really funny.

So now I'm Now I've got to go take down today's video with the Red Cross stuff in it and re-upload it. All right, fair enough.

Jason can't win. What was the— what was the first time you were in love like?

First time I was in love?

Yeah, can you remember?

I see I had a girlfriend in high school. I don't know if I was in love with her. I guess I was.

What was the first girl to break your heart?

Oh, I had this new— this girl named Shannon in, uh, college. And when I was in college, I had all these great friends and we had most amazing college life. Everything was perfect for us. And, and then we knew everybody on campus. And this one girl, I was so in love with her, she just didn't think I was so great.

Really?

Yeah, she didn't laugh at my jokes. You know, I was funny. I was considered one of the funniest people in the group, right?

Really?

Yes, I was.

Did you ask the group?

Oh, I didn't have to. They were always in stitches.

It was just unanimous. Yeah, like if I went up to that group and I'd be like, who's the funniest?

They'd point to you.

We were all really funny, but whatever.

You're like, ah, come to think of it.

Mac was pretty, pretty great. But, but, but yeah, she, and she just did.

So you were in love with a girl that, that she had absolutely no feelings for you?

I was in love with a girl who didn't like me.

That kind of seems like a thing that's like, that's kind of followed you to this age.

Yeah, you like a lot of girls that don't like you back.

Definitely the one girl that I was in love with as an adult. Yeah, I have had that twice at least.

Yeah, and now it's your ex-wife.

You say, "We were driving yesterday and I got a call from my ex-wife, who's been very nice to me lately." Very nice. Things have been going well. And I'm like talking to her, we're making jokes.

Jason's making jokes.

She was too.

Doubt it.

Oh yeah, she's got a great sense of humor.

Oh, there you go.

And a great ass on her. She's got a question for you. And then I hang up the phone because, guys, all we do is ride around. This is how my day is. He calls me up, I come over, he's like, let's shoot. I get in the Tesla, I drive around. Occasionally I bring out my camera so I can get some footage, and then he doesn't say much the entire time. You don't get going until about 6, and that's when I have to go get my kids.

Regardless, he hangs up the phone and I'm like, Jason, what was that?

And he's like, what? I'm like, are you trying to get back together with your ex?

And he's like, nah, why would you say that?

And he does—

I love your impression.

He does this whole like, why do you say that naggy Jason Nash thing.

And like, I'm nagging? You're the one that's nagging me. I had a simple call.

And sometimes, sometimes when he thinks it's so ridiculous, I'll see his fingers fidget to like turn on the camera and I'll just hear the click. I'm like, here it goes.

Um, but no, Jason, Jason was hands down flirting with his wife and I think it's very cute. Because it's kind of maintaining like a solid relationship, and I totally stand by it. But at the same time, I'd appreciate it if Jason just fessed up to it and just owned up to still being in love with his ex-wife.

I—

she's the mother of your kids.

I am.

You are?

I'm in love with her. Why don't we finally broke it down right now?

Why don't we call her right now and say what? And tell her how you feel?

You want— you want to?

Baby, I love you so much.

What would she do?

I'm almost thinking about doing it just so we'd have some good content. That would really, really be be fucked up. What do you think to do?

What do you think she would say if you called her and you said, I'm in love with you? I'm in love with you.

First of all, she'd say, am I on the podcast? I don't want to be on the podcast because I know she'd hear you in the background.

You say something nice to her and you're like, am I on a YouTube video?

I have to work, David. You don't understand. You're so young. You don't understand what it's like to have to like, you know, massage relationships.

I understand. I, I understand that you're in love with her and that's okay.

We don't—

and my mother's not dead either. Please stop saying that. We're on the plane, we're on the private plane that SeatGeek got us, and we're flying, and I thought, oh, this would be cool, I'll call my mom. Yeah, she'd probably never been on a private plane, she'd think it was cool, and she was with all her friends.

Poor woman passed away before private planes were invented.

We get on, I get her on the phone, David pulls out his— I get her on FaceTime, David pulls out the camera. We can't really hear anything because Scott's blasting Portugal and the Man for the 80th time, and And, uh, and then, but what my mom can hear is David go, hey, I thought you were dead. No, my mother was like, no, she was shocked. Her face— what did you say?

I said, I said, oh my God, are we able to talk to her because we're closer to heaven?

Yeah, that's what you said. You didn't even use it in the vlog.

I know, because I just, I felt bad.

You're reacting—

no, that's not why you didn't use it, it's because the sound was bad. Yeah, yeah, I know you.

No, and you, you actually reacted pretty bad because you told me that that your mom has heard the joke that I think she's dead before. Yeah. Oh, she has, okay.

She has.

I didn't wanna just lay it on, for a second I thought that that was the first time she's heard it and I felt really bad.

Oh no, it's okay.

No, no, no, but yeah.

And then I was like, pilot, take us higher so we can meet his parents.

Oh, that's why you didn't use it, 'cause it wasn't frame right. I remember you showed it to me.

It didn't make sense in the montage. But yeah, his mom's not dead. It's a huge ongoing joke I love.

It's really gonna suck when she does pass away.

Oh, it's gonna be awful. She's my life.

Yeah, she's the best. She was the best.

Let's— want to get into it? Okay, sure. I was born in a small town.

You know, you had an awful dad apparently. So your dad— you see your dad wake up?

Yeah, my dad was rough.

Your dad was rough, but your mom was like the nice one.

She was so nice.

Did your mom ever cheat on your dad?

I don't know. I don't think so.

Do you want to get her on the phone and ask?

Do you?

No, then we'd have to get on the private plane again and fly really high just to get a— just to get that connection.

Um, I liked how— I liked how, um, fast dinner was.

Oh my God, yeah, it was really fast.

Oh yeah. Hey, um, have you ever, uh, I know, I know. No, I wanted to ask you something. I want to ask you something.

What?

How long have you wanted to be a YouTuber? How long have I wanted to be a YouTuber? When did you want to be a YouTuber?

That's a fun question.

Yeah, thanks. I thought of it myself.

There was like an awkward pause because I told Jason, I'm like, Jason, midway through the podcast, I'm gonna point to you and I want you to ask me how long I've wanted to be a YouTuber because I want to talk about it, but I want I want to make it seem natural. And the entire conversation that we were just having about his mom, I was pointing to Jason and he was like, what are you doing?

You put it once and I kind of had— no, I put it a couple times.

I pointed a couple times.

Some recall problems.

And it just hit and he's like, oh yeah, how long did you want to be a YouTuber for?

Um, no, I actually wanted to— I actually wanted to talk about how long I wanted to be a YouTuber for because because when I was a kid, being a YouTuber was like a really, really big thing.

I got some gum in my arm.

Yeah, I didn't want to bring it up because it was so distracting. Jason has a gum on his armpit hair and he's been playing with it this entire podcast.

But I'm so sorry, David, I didn't mean to distract you because—

but I didn't want to bring it up because I didn't want to— I didn't I don't want people to be very confused at home. It's hard to explain because it's hard to explain because how the fuck do you get gum attached to your armpit?

Well, it's warm. I'm warm. I run hot. And so I roll my sleeves up.

Oh, okay.

Let me explain it.

You're warm and you melted the gum because you usually keep it under your armpits. What the fuck are you going to say?

I'm going to explain it.

Literally for the past 18 minutes in this podcast. There has been gum under Jason's armpit that he's been playing with, and I've had to ignore it because I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to drag attention to such a stupid, stupid thing.

It hurts.

It's straight-up gum, and it's pulling his arm and his, like, chest closer together because it's just a long— How did you get that? How did you get that? How did you get that attached there?

Okay, well, like I said, I run a little hot. And I roll my sleeves up. Uh-huh. And take a picture. I roll my sleeves up. Now, you know, I chew that Nicorette, but I don't want to chew gum.

So you—

I don't want to chew gum on the audio, right? That's not good.

So you put the gum into your armpit.

Yeah.

Just instead of chewing it.

Well, no, no. I was holding the gum while you started talking. And then I was a little tired, so the gum, I put the gum, I kind of just, I think I rested my hand there. And then right around minute 2 of the show, I was like, oh shit, my arms are stuck. Yeah. And then I started pulling it out and there's still some in there.

Jason, you cannot be serious.

I'm dead serious, dude.

You can't make this stuff up. Like, this is who Jason is. He was— yeah, anyway, pretty great.

As I was saying, yeah, well, how long you want to be a YouTuber, man?

Um, I've been wanting to be a YouTuber for quite a while.

In my school, all we would talk about in class would be wanting to be YouTubers.

Yeah.

And like how much money we would make because we'd watch YouTubers and we'd see how much money they were making, all the cars they were buying, the houses they were buying.

Yeah.

And like it was, it was a topic.

Who were some of the ones that you would admire?

The FaZe guys. We'd watch the FaZe guys a lot.

Is the FaZe guys the same as FaZe Bank?

Yeah, it's the FaZe guys now. Those guys? Yeah, we'd watch those guys.

Those the same guys?

A lot of video game guys.

Okay.

All we would do is video game guys. And they were buying these huge houses, these nice cars. They would be giving away Xboxes every time. It was nuts. So we always were like, oh my God, it'd be amazing to be like them. So I bought an HD PVR, which is like to record your video game play. So I wanted to become a video game player, like on the, you know, on YouTube. Like I want to be a commentator. And I was very good at video games. I was playing Call of Duty, and for the first week it was out, I was number 42 in the world.

What does that mean, a commentator? Like, you, you crack jokes while you play?

Yeah, like I play and I just talk about the gameplay and I talk about my life, kind of like a podcast but with like video games.

Got it.

Under it. Um, and yeah, and I was, I was very kick-ass at like, I was really good at Call of Duty.

Yeah, you were like 38th?

42.

Yeah, at my peak, at my peak.

Good, good.

And, um, and I couldn't get the PVR to work, so I couldn't record my gameplay. And I think that was like my best like thing that's ever happened to me, because I know that if I would have started YouTube that way, I would have just continue to go on YouTube that way, and I would have never like gotten to meet everyone I know now, you know what I mean? Right. And it didn't work, like it just didn't. It was broken because I bought off Craigslist and it just wasn't working, so I just gave it up completely.

Well, you have a great ability of looking at things the right way.

What do you mean?

The other day when I said, oh, I lost all this, I lost this brand deal, I lost all this money.

Jason recently lost in total of $90,000, $95,000 of brand deals, and I didn't go gambling. And I was trying to explain to him that— he sees it this way too, but I was like, look at the bright side. You don't have to post for all those brands. So you don't have to annoy your followers with posts for McDonald's, Burger King, and all week.

But you don't have to go to the bank and deposit an $80,000 and a $15,000 check.

And you don't have to buy lunch for your kids.

Yeah. No problem. We don't have to be bothered to go to a restaurant. We'll just go to the trash can.

And you don't have to put your kids through college. Not at all, because you can't.

And I don't have to look at them with respect in their eyes.

There's no need for that. There's honestly no room for respect in a relationship like that anyways.

But, um, but yeah, I was always too lazy to start YouTube, right? Because I was just like, I can't do it, I can't do it. And then Vine came along, and Vine was like that lazy man's YouTube. And I mean, the first 2 Vines I made, I was like, this is it.

It.

I was like, I am, I am doing it and I'm gonna do it. Like, I took it very seriously and I, and I very well knew what it was going to be.

Yeah.

Like, I'm like— and I wasn't, I wasn't posting consistently, but at this point you're a junior? Yeah, I'm like, I'm like a sophomore, junior in high school. And I'm like, and I'm just, I'm getting into Vine.

Wow. Yeah, it blows my mind. You were 16?

I was 16.

You're 21 now.

So you were 5 years ago, you were 53. Sorry, you get really bummed out with these old jokes recently. It's getting to you, huh? You want to talk to someone about it?

I'll talk to you about it.

Um, no, but Jason—

no, Jason was very young 5 years ago. He was 39.

Yeah, that was great. 39 was great.

That's crazy that you started social media and I'm like, that's so crazy. Could you imagine as a 39-year-old thinking a guy who I'm spending— who I'm going to be spending a lot of my days with is finishing up his freshman orientation right now?

Like, how ridiculous is that to think?

You were a 39-year-old man with 6-year-old kids.

Yeah, living life.

You, you were married, everything was going dandy, and then you're like, not really, not really. And then you're like, in 6 years it's all going to be in the and I'm gonna be hanging out with a freshman.

Yeah, I don't know what to tell you. This is it.

I think it's amazing.

You know, people would want to fucking kill to be me.

Yes.

Okay. Yeah, I'm fucking living the life, David.

No, I think—

don't you start for a second.

I think we both got very lucky to find each other.

Thanks, man.

No, I think, I think it's, I think it's really cool.

He moves far, far away from me. He just shifted in his Barca lounge.

I'm like, that comment was too nice. I'm gonna sit back here now.

No, no, but I think it's really dope that you're approaching the end of your time and I'm kind of just kicking into gear.

I think it's cool how we can cross paths and I can squeeze the juice out of you for your last couple of years here on earth.

I can't wait till something bad happens to you.

I'm gonna die first.

I know I'm gonna die first.

And people are gonna go back to this podcast and they're gonna be like, oh my God, he called it. I'm gonna die first.

I have that footage of you saying how you're gonna die.

Oh my God, I'm gonna die.

I saved it.

It's gonna be— it's gonna be in some freak accident.

No, you're not. No, you're not. This is what's gonna happen.

Okay, you know how I'm gonna die?

No, no, I know what's gonna happen with you. Okay, you're a little unstable right now.

Okay, okay.

But I'm hoping, yeah, that you stay alive enough, maybe for the next 18 months. I see you calming down a little bit.

Maybe for the next—

you're becoming a little more rational. A little bit.

Okay. I'm hoping I'll still make it. I'll— listen, if you're scared about putting your kids through college, I'll be here for that.

Yeah, please just stay around until they go to college. So 10 years?

No, no, I'll be— I'll be—

just don't crash your car.

That's my biggest fear, is crashing my car.

No, don't be ashamed. And the worst part of our day, we're fucking driving, we're going by a sidewalk full of people, so 500 people, and I don't know what you're doing. You're like recording a mixtape.

No, no, My biggest fear about crashing my car is I know I'm not gonna die in it because the safety features are insane, but I know that someone else can get hurt, and that's why I have toned my driving down, and I try not to be like, yeah, complete psychopath, because it's— yeah, I know, like I always say, this is my biggest fear is taking someone else's life.

And like, chill out, man, you got it all.

Thank you.

You got a nice girlfriend.

I do, dude. I saw Liza today.

Got a really cool You got—

I got what?

What?

What'd you say?

Got a really cool co-host.

For what?

For the show.

Oh, this podcast?

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay. Holy shit. Okay, well, that's all the time we have for today. I'm gonna go drown myself.

No, no, no.

I do. I have a cool co-host. Why are you looking at me like that?

I'm waiting for you to say something.

No, I have a cool co-host.

I'm very happy that I get to do this show with Jason. Thank you. You mean a lot to me. Um, please go buy our merch. It's gonna be— I'm gonna, uh, you get 10% off with the promo code VIEWS.

Yeah, the t-shirt will, um, is— will be mailed out on September 4th, I am told.

Oh yeah, the two t-shirts you can buy on— it's— they're great t-shirts.

I have one, I wear it all the time.

50% of the money goes to Jason.

Yeah.

Which then I come back and take the 70—

I take 70% of that 50%. Yes.

Right. Yeah, yeah. And then on top of that, I come in and then he pays the rent for my Well, yeah, I mean, I want to just because you're busy.

No, but go buy the shirts.

Go buy the Too Much Scotty shirts. They're 20% off right now. When you guys— when you guys go buy the merch, it really helps out. And Jason, it really excites Jason.

It's exciting to think of that there would be some, some money since I don't make any money at YouTube anymore.

Yes, we, we have all gotten our YouTube checks kind of cut. We don't make as much buku money. But I want to give you guys a quick update before we go. The hurricane actually ended something. The hurricane had one positive effect.

What was that?

And this is from the words of my lawyer. He said, if it wasn't for the hurricane, they would have taken away DACA, which is what's keeping me in this country.

Oh, wow.

Yeah, Trump came out and he said he's getting rid of it, and the next day the hurricane got too severe and all attention, especially because there's so many courts in Texas that have to deal with DACA, it got postponed.

—Oh, wow.

—So until— and if you guys are new to the podcast, DACA is what's keeping me in this country. So my lawyer called me and he's like, it's not looking good. There's a chance of taking it away and you're gonna have to be removed from the country. How crazy is that gonna be? —Where's your lawyer? —Who's my lawyer? He's here. He's great. He's the best. But how crazy would it be if ICE, which is like, you know, the deportation people, They show up at my door. Yeah, could you imagine?

Fucking great. We'd all be like, ahaha, David, it'd be funny. It'd be amazing.

It'd be great.

But I mean, I would probably have a really hard time posting afterwards from Slovakia. Yeah, I'd have to come up with new times. I'd probably have to upload there like 2:00 a.m. I'm a huge star on Musical.ly.

I'm a huge star in Japan on Musical.ly. Maybe I'll move to Japan.

Yeah, that's the great part. When I get deported from this country, yeah, I don't have to move to Slovakia. I can go to England and just be at the— Can you? Yeah, you can. I can go and just find two new British friends. Just find new— a new Zane and a new Jason.

Everyone, I just find another 50-year-old man with a British accent. I start a podcast.

Type me to the wall now.

I started a podcast. It's us having tea. It's us having tea and talking about stupid stuff. Before I met you, David.

Hey, so I'm excited about it. Thank you. Go ahead. No, no, I'm excited about Australia. We're going to Australia soon.

And yes, I don't think I'll be able to go to it if this doesn't get figured out. I have an appointment with immigration at 7 AM on Friday.

You're not going to Australia?

There's a very good chance that I'm not going to be able to make it because of everything that's happening right now. Oh man. But, but I'm gonna pull through. It's gonna— it's costing me a lot of money just to do this.

Like, this is just—

this isn't like my lawyer is handling this all for free. It's costing me a lot of money money. Very annoying, but, but it's part of the game. So what's going on?

I'm looking forward to not having to take care of my kids.

So guys, guys, go buy my merch. Um, it's gonna really help me with all the court fees. And if I ever move back to Slovakia, I want to buy a huge farm, so buy a shit ton of the merch. Oh, you never told me that before. Are you serious? No, I made it up. All right guys, well, that's it for today's, uh, that's the various views podcast. Make sure you like and subscribe, tweet Give us some feedback. We love hearing feedback from the podcast. Like and subscribe. Tell your friends. Everyone tell your friends about the podcast. Yeah, because then we can make more money.

And, and, and, and we should do— we should do 2 a week.

Maybe we'll do 2 a week.

We'll see. All right. And me and these— please come back. I don't know what the hell we did today to piss you guys off, but please come back. Hi. Bye-bye.