Coming Clean to My Ex

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. It's been a minute, it's been a week. Dude, when the week Views episode passes by, it feels like a long time.

What was that sentence you just concocted? When a week Views episode passes by?

When we go from Thursday to Tuesday?

When we go from Thursday to Tuesday, it feels like a long time.

Oh yeah, yeah, you missed us.

No, I'm just saying it's been a long time. No, it's been the best 5 days, but it's been a long time. No, but like when we do Tuesday and Thursday, it's just like if we're recording today, then we're probably recording later today for the next pod. So it just feels like it's jam-packed. Just posted a vlog, so we're all feeling a little bit fresh.

Hell yeah.

It's all behind us, which is really exciting.

Adrenaline is high.

This one was a doozy.

A lot went into it. Big stunts, big action.

Big action sequences.

The return of Alex Ernst.

Yeah, Alex was really fun. We filmed the classic bit with him with the candles and Vardhan's birthday. That was fun.

Explain it to people if they don't know what it is.

Well, it's this bit where Alex always comes in and he like, he blows out Alex's or blows out Vardhan's candles and like, I think it's been escalating over the years.

So I always wanted to do like a fire truck thing.

So we had the fire station come out and help us out, which is really sick. They brought the fire truck. Alex had to practice with the hose for a little bit. And initially we thought the hose would break through the window. By itself, but it didn't. So then Alex got the sledgehammer, broke through the window, and then blew out Vardhan's candles.

Those are the fire hose.

It was a really good time. And we used Susie's room.

Yeah.

As like the room to do it. And like, you know, obviously we like tarp the room and we had like cleaners waiting like on standby. We had a flood team on standby. So like, so it's really funny because you get like, we, we call a company that like helps your houses after floods., and it's like really funny when they get there, but the bit's not done. Like the bit hasn't started yet. So it's like they're there almost like they predicted a flood.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like they're there before, like normally people call them because they don't know a flood's happening and then their house is fucked. But it's just funny to have like a flood team on standby when that room gets flooded from the fire hose.

It was funny when the firefighters were instructing Alex on how to break the window. You could see there was a little piece of him that was like, man, I could go do this for a living, I think.

The fire guy?

Yeah, he was like, yes. He's like, you want to hit this side of the axe? You want to hit this part of the glass?

No, no, no, no. The fire guy was definitely excited.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, he was like, this is something fun.

Yeah, he wanted to do it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's like, does Alex need to do this or should I be doing this? And then we went to go film with Big Justice and AJ, which was really fun. Yeah. What about it?

No, nothing.

Costco guys.

You took a deep breath. I was just breathing. Really? Dude, I think Natalie's dying. I'm not even kidding.

Well, why don't you let her go out and have a couple days to herself? She just did a big vlog, bro.

She's always—

please don't encourage this.

I think it's time.

Please don't encourage this.

She posted the vlog. Why don't you go now?

Go now.

Take off.

Thank you. All right, go.

We'll handle this. Really?

I can leave?

Yeah, you get 1 hour.

You're going to let me leave?

Oh my God, dude, I let them leave all the time.

Here's the thing.

Listeners are like, please leave, please leave.

Listeners are like, yes, give her a break.

I survived my surgery, by the way, if anybody was wondering. My tits are also—

why are you bringing it up if you don't want to talk about it?

Well, because you already brought it up.

It's already be a thing.

There's people that are texting our friends being like, where did she go for her boob job? I'm looking for a recommendation.

Everyone's curious. But apparently it's not a boob job. Apparently. And then I went, I went to her because I've been trying to get this out of her for a really long time. Yeah. I'm like, okay, fuck it. Like, we were, uh, you tried to dupe me. Yeah, I tried to dupe her. I was like, you know, your friend Emma told me about your ovarian cyst. Yeah, I was like, I was like, your friend— I was like, Emma told me about your ovarian cyst. And Nellie goes, that fucking bitch. That bitch. She Told you. And I'm like, yeah.

I mean, I don't know why you're hiding an ovarian cyst for me. I have no idea what an ovarian cyst is.

You had an ovarian cyst?

No, no. But it's funny because I had told.

She didn't tell Emma the real thing either.

She told Emma that she got no variances. So I guessed the lie.

Oh. You know, that's illegal in interrogation. Really?

Yes.

To lie to people.

It's so illegal. And I was so.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Specify. So, like, in interrogation, like, if I think you're up for a murder, I can'. go in there and say, you know, Natalie said you did it.

Yeah, you can't do that.

Really?

You can't do that. Yeah, you should be able to do that unless the person actually said it.

Yeah. Wow. Okay, so I can't be a cop.

That's dirty.

But you are. Yeah, that's— yeah, dirty, dirty cop. Yeah, that's crazy. But so I got it kind of out of her, I guess, to right on the nose.

Yes.

I was pissed too. I was like, this little bit.

Yeah, yeah, she's really, really furious.

What do you have?

Are you okay?

Am I— it's undisclosed.

I can't believe you're not gonna tell anybody. You should keep this a secret.

Man, what is it? What could it be?

Pregnant?

I don't know, maybe. Um, no, so this happened at— Natalie and I went to Paris Hilton's, um, housewarming party. Oh, Swiddington Manor. Yeah, which is fucking insane.

She—

I think it's Mark Wahlberg's old house. Yeah, it's like a $90 million house. Insane. In a gated community. It's— it was like walking into Coachella. It was beau. I couldn't believe how beautiful it was. And she has like this— the house is like, it's like this old manor. It's like an old estate, right? Natalie, please, can you stop doing that? I'm literally— I'm gonna smack you.

I don't like flies.

I genuinely—

I've never felt the urge to literally—

I went by her.

What did she do? Jay, this fly's been in this room for 4 hours.

I know.

Every time it comes by her, she gets fucking shocked like it's a sparrow landing on her nose.

I just don't—

she literally jolts. She goes, she goes, and I'm like, Natalie, Like, I've literally jumped because she's made these crazy sounds and I just get so aggravated. I go, Natalie, fucking please.

But it's flying like literally straight from my face.

That's what they fucking do, man.

I know, but you—

We already had our fly episode. We can't go back into it. We just talked about them.

Yeah, you want to know what the flies want?

What do you want?

What do you want, fly? It is getting pretty pathetic here. That's the only insect problem we have here. Is like a serious fly problem.

Yeah, because somebody leaves his fucking lunch in every room splayed out.

Somebody? Natalie, what do you mean? You have fucking breadcrumbs literally oozing down your chin right now.

I honestly might, so that's rude.

Fly thing is very simple. You just shut the doors.

Yeah, that's tough because I really like outdoor-indoor living.

Yeah, you're getting it. You had a lizard in here last week.

But yeah, so back to Paris Hilton. She has this like old estate kind of vibe, and like at the top she has like a little attic window. Yeah. It's very cute. Like a little princessy pink glossy window. It has a big P on it for Paris Hilton.

Aw.

Yeah, a little custom stained glass window.

Amazing. It's really crazy because you don't realize she's actually really rich.

David was saying that when we were there. He was like, I was telling him about, I don't know, whatever I was saying, the price of the house or something like that. And he was like, really? And I was like, you realize she's like the heir to like a billion dollar fortune, multi-billion dollar fortune.

And plus everything she made too.

And herself.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like, I don't, like, realize that, like, when— like, she's, she's part of the Hilton family, like the Hilton Hotel collection.

Yeah. She just feels like her own individual.

Like, she feels like so her own.

Yeah. Do you guys remember when she was, like, in the tabloids and, like, coming up? It was crazy.

Yeah. It was like pre-internet. Well, I don't know much about that.

What happened?

It'd just be like you'd open Us Weekly and it'd be like, her and Nicole Richie, like, they're out drunk.

Oh, really?

Like that?

And the tabloids loved it.

Yeah. Yeah. The paparazzi videos of them, like, drunk leaving the club was like like the vlogs where when we would drunk leave a club, but like we were on YouTube. She was like in Us Weekly and People magazine.

Oh, it must have been really funny.

So crazy.

Yeah, she didn't give a fuck. She would have been amazing to vlog with.

Amazing.

Oh my God, she was 21, 22, you know, something like that.

She looks like she's 21, 22 now.

Yeah, she does. So it's hard for me to believe.

Wow, she's so funny.

She's also the life of the party now, dude.

Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Yeah, she like, um There was like a— so like parts of the house would open up as the party went on. Yeah. And like at like 11 when the party was supposed to end, we got there at like 10:30. We're like, we're going to stop by.

So everyone's still there.

Natalie and I are like in our old people era. So we're just going to swing by, say hello. And then I'm asking her, I'm like, oh yeah, this is shutting down at 11, huh?

And then everyone around me is like, are you fucking nuts?

It's the Paris Hilton party.

We're going all night.

Fuck.

And I was like really dead from—

we shot the bit with Alex Ernst that, that night, so I was like— Natalie was covered in, in fire extinguisher. Yeah, we were like on our fucking deathbed because we were so tired from shooting that bit. Um, but yeah, so at 11, like another part of the house opened up and, um, it was like this beautiful day.

It's a gorgeous house, a beautiful dance floor. No one was on the dance floor, okay, until Paris came and like kind of like went in between the backyard and the and the inside of the floor, and she just started running around in a circle and dancing.

Just like jumping up and down, having a good time.

Almost like, as the kids would call it, aura farming. And like, she like, the circle she was making in her little dance circle, she was like creating her own gravitational force and brought people from all around the party, from the edges of the backyard to her, and then she collectively moved everyone onto the dance floor. And then, and then she like went for it and then she like, everybody was on the dance floor, everybody was dancing, the music was going and she was DJing. She played some songs.

Yeah.

And it was really funny. I like, right when we got there at like 10:30, there was, the music was playing and then it cut out almost like a Spotify ad break or it was like a commercial and it was Paris's voice. And I was like, I just want to say thank you everyone for coming to my party. Thank you to Carl's Jr.

So hot.

She was like, she was like thanking all the brands that were there and she was like, and make sure to cop my— and it was like really funny. Yeah, because it was like at her house, but it felt like, I don't know, it was just like, honestly, we should take note.

We should do a little ad break during our party and just plug all the—

No, it was amazing.

I mean, hey, it's David. Yeah, don't forget about Dobrik.

Yeah, it only works because Paris Hilton did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it was— yeah, it's pretty badass. But she's really crushing it. Wait, tell me more about this tabloid thing. I'm kind of like curious. Like, did she— wait, this is what she was— she's like what?

She was so big.

She was young. She was like 19 and she'd be at the clubs.

Like, yeah.

People did not give a fuck.

Yeah, 19, she'd be like underage at the clubs. But there was like her iconic paparazzi—

that's how we were too, we were 19, 20. No, yeah, I know, it's very normal, but it's just funny because she was doing it like on social media in a public way and the clubs didn't care.

Yeah, yeah. And but her iconic paparazzi moment was I think when her and Lindsay had like a falling out, her and Lindsay Lohan. It was her, Lindsay Lohan, and Nicole Richie, and Britney Spears. They were like the fucking I don't know what you say for 4 people, but trifecta, dick posse, foursome. They were the ultimate foursome.

Yeah.

But then her and Lindsay had some sort of falling out. I don't remember why. And they were all kind of dating this like billionaire guy and he would go out with them. And so apparently like he, this billionaire guy like slept with Lindsay Lohan and then Paris that night at the club was like, fuck Lindsay, she has a fire crotch.

Do you remember that?

Oh right.

Fire crotch. Fire crotch was like huge because she was talking about Lindsay's vagina drunk, getting into a car, just like— and her publicist, this older man, was always with her, like, trying to wrangle her back.

That's really funny.

I mean, it was like the most classic, like, 2000s. I mean, yeah, that's why she's—

that gives me like Stass vibes. Totally. Like Stass, Kelsey. I mean, that's like every time if any of those girls got into a fight, like, it was like fun.

Like there was like some good drama and they'd make up like a week later.

Yeah, yeah.

But that—

wait, did Lindsay Lohan and Paris—

obviously they made up.

Yeah, at one point. But like, was that like a thing where they like had to make up?

It was definitely a thing for a while.

Yeah. Isn't that crazy that like, like we talk— most influencers, 80% of them all talk through their own platforms. Yeah. Like, isn't that crazy? Like being like somebody at that time, like you're just like, your platform is whoever just happens to be out on the street recording you that's a paparazzi that day. Like, is a tabloid—

TMZ. Like, that's so—

and that's how they communicate with each other. They wouldn't— like, Lindsay and Paris, like, wouldn't text each other. They'd have TMZ or People, whoever, like, come record and be like, yeah, fuck Paris for calling me a— you know, just like, that's how they would communicate. So crazy.

So interesting. Really fun. They probably were both in on it.

Luke says, hello, just writing because David said on a previous podcast within the last 2 months, if he yawns again, someone reach out and say that he yawned again because he wanted to see how long it would be. And I think it was about 1 or 2 months only.

Okay.

He yawned at the end of Thursday's pod.

I remember that. Yeah, I actually caught it when I yawned. Yeah, that's really funny.

That's good old Luke.

Luke, thank you so much for that update.

That's fucking great.

I was very curious. Oh, Jay. Yeah, some of the most fun I had was filming this, uh, vlog bit for when we gave Vardhan the Tesla.

Yeah, um, came out great.

Yeah, it came out great. So this was— so it was Alex's idea for the bit. It was really funny. It was he wanted to give Alex a Tesla, but at the end he wanted to give him the option to get a mystery box instead. So he could— Vardhan could either keep the Tesla or open the mystery box and he gets to keep whatever's inside. And Alex was like, inside should be a piece of paper that says you should have kept the Tesla. Right. And I'm like, Alex, it's hilarious. Let's do it. And then Alex started to get nervous. Alex is like, well, what if he decides to keep the Tesla? And I'm like, there's absolutely no way that Vardhan is going to keep the Tesla. There's no way on planet Earth he's going to keep it because he's like a kid that's like, on the internet all the time, like, you're going to want to grab the mystery box. And I've given out so many Teslas, like, right, even just for the plot, I feel like he'll want to— like, I gave, I gave Vardhan a car last year, which he crashed. It's currently sitting in the garage. It's missing rims now because he crashed into a curb. So like, I was like, he's not going to want to take the Tesla. But then we surprised him with the Tesla. Yeah. And it looked like he was going to take the Tesla for a while now.

Yeah.

His mom was there saying, take Tesla.

Yeah, his— that's what we didn't account for, his mom being there. If Vardan was there, it would have gone in a second, right? But it was all— it was just the most— it was the most amount of reverse psychology or mental warfare I've ever had to play with anybody in my entire life. Yeah, like, and the sun was setting, the sun was setting, so we're losing the light, which actually kind of helped us because it put pressure on Vardan. Yeah, but I was like, okay, Vardan, like Right when he chose the Tesla, I'm like, great, let's open that box. And then immediately he's like, wait, what? No, no, no. So what's in the box? Wait, wait, wait. And then he started rethinking it. Yeah, it was a big— that was— were you worried that he's going to choose the Tesla?

Yeah, I was.

Yeah, that was true. That's why I was in the corner like, take the Tesla or take the box.

Open the box. Take the box. Take the box. It was a really, really difficult thing to do.

And then he blamed it on me entirely, even though he made it.

Yeah, that's so funny.

He's blaming it on you.

It's like David did it.

He's mad at Natalie.

I did give him like, I locked eyes with him and I was like, I just gave him a nice nod.

yeah, I like the Costco guys. I thought they were so great.

The Costco guys, they're incredible.

I thought they were so good. They came in, they were like so professional.

Yeah, and they're like so like into— they're just good at what they do. So good. Like they like They understand their position on social media. Yeah. Like, I'm sure they get that it's a little bit cheesy, right? Like, that's like—

Yeah, they understand it.

They understand the joke of it and everything.

And they're so—

Oh my God, it was the most amazing thing. Remember when someone walked up to them and asked them for a picture? Yeah.

Yeah.

At the end.

Yes, yes, yes. That was great.

Yeah, we were dudged shooting the bit with them, and one of the extras walks up to them and is like, can we have a picture with you? And he goes, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's the whole family. And the girl stands in the middle, she takes the picture, and then when she's like done taking the picture, goes, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, turn the phone horizontally. And then the mom taking the picture turns the phone horizontally and he goes, okay, now hit record on video. And then they all in unison go, it's Big AJ, or it's AJ, it's Big Justice. And they all introduce themselves and they go, and we're bringing the boom. And they all do it at the same time on video, like completely.

Gave them an incredible video to show their friends.

And it's insane. It's like fucking the Disney World of social media experiences. Yeah. Which is really cool. They're really, really sweet.

You know, the dad comes from wrestling.

Yeah. He's like back in it now, isn't he? Oh my God, I just yawned. He's like back in it now, isn't he?

Yeah, he's done a few appearances, I think. I asked him about it. I said, did you get hurt? And he goes, yeah.

Yeah, he's like doing AEW or something. Yes. Yeah, but he's so perfect for it.

He's taking like real falls and stuff. We had a sperm race. That was pretty cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. My God, how do we— how do I forget talking about this?

I don't know.

I was 50/50 on this thing going in. Okay. Zane actually brought it to us. Zane's like, you got to do a sperm race. And I've seen it before. I didn't really understand it, to be honest. I still don't understand it. Sure. So do you know what happens?

Yeah, they, they take a specimen from, from two guys, or in this case three, and then they choose The top 6 sperm from each guy.

Yeah. So they take your semen, which was okay. First of all, when I originally got the bit, I thought that was gonna be a very big part in the vlog. Yeah. Was collecting everyone's semen. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I had a lot of high hopes and expectations for that to be like the best part in the vlog.

Mm-hmm.

But then as we were talking about the bit ideas, like obviously the bit ideas were like, it was an award show for the sperm race, right? Sure.

So I wanted there to be, like the Kids' Choice Awards would have a bucket of slime. I wanted a bucket of cum and like someone gets slimed. And like, as I kept talking about my ideas for this sperm race, like everyone I work with is a woman. So like, they were like, I feel like you like this, but I don't know if girls are gonna watch this. And I really retracted on like all of the cum jokes that I was doing and just like collecting. Like the cum from Ilya was going to be fun. Collecting it from you, collecting it from Harry. Zane was originally in it, so collecting it from Zane was going to be fun.

Instead, it was Jon Castro outside my house at like 9:45.

Oh, did he collect the cum?

Yeah. And Jon Castro, he—

oh, it's so funny.

He didn't even come out of the car. He just opened his trunk and he's like, okay, Jay, put it back there, man.

Oh my God.

Far away from me, man. And I'm like, okay, Jon, see you later.

That's really funny.

And it's really hard to— there's a lot of— and I was talking to the sperm race guys guys, and they're like, yeah, a big thing is performance. Like, a lot of guys can't do it. Oh yeah, on command. I had trouble.

There's a lot of pressure because you're going into a cup.

Yeah, because you're like, you're like having sex and then you're trying to get it somewhere.

Oh, so you got your sample?

Yeah, Ilya had sex, Harry didn't.

Wait, it didn't matter with your girlfriends? Can you clarify that? Yes. No, I know.

Not with each other.

It just sounded like you were making a joke.

No.

Oh, no, no.

You guys had sex with your wives and his girlfriend. Yeah.

Which supposedly is—

You guys switched?

Yeah. I just had John do it outside my house. Yeah, that's really funny. Supposedly that hurts your chances to have sex.

Really?

Yeah. Well, yeah, Illya fucking took the victory miraculously. I could not believe it.

Yeah. How did the race actually go? It's so quick in the vlog.

Yeah.

So the actual race, it's like— so they take your specimen and they take like the 6 best sperm from each one. And they put those on like a petri dish style course.

They dye each one a different color. So, you know, who's who.

Yeah. So, you know, which, yeah, obviously what you see in the vlog is like computerized and like edited, but it's taken from the same data and from the same visuals as you would see. Yeah. They just like gloss it over with like, you know, to make it look better on video. And yeah, so it's basically, it goes through this course and Harry Jowsey's sperm was actually the fastest. Yes., but it went the wrong way, but it went the wrong way last second. And Ilya literally last second took the lead, which is like pretty miraculous. It was a crazy, crazy, crazy fucking finish. And yours. So initially the guys walked in and they were like, yo, Jason, your sperm is really quick, man.

Yeah.

I was like, guys, shut the fuck up.

I was so excited.

I was like, don't tell them the results. Yeah, yeah. And then, and then it wasn't quick. It was really slow.

Yeah.

And Jason's wife was there and she was like, I knew it was quick, baby.

'Cause sometimes this is too much information. So skip 15 seconds ahead real quick. I'm gonna try to get it done in 15 seconds.

She's like, sometimes when you come like on my arm, then it'll end up somewhere on my neck. It just travels so quickly. And you're like, Naveen, I don't know if that's what that means. I thought it was so funny. Yes. But then when the race came down, everyone's sperm finished the course in a minute and 30 seconds. That's where Harry and Ilias ended up.

It took Jason's—

this is unreal—

9 minutes.

Oh my God.

Oh, they were being serious. Yeah, it actually took 9 minutes. Yeah.

Oh my God. Jason was like, cut this out of the vlog. Jason was like, please don't tell my wife that.

That's crazy.

Yeah, I was happy to be a part of it.

Yeah, that was really funny.

But it's pretty funny.

It is, it is a crazy thing. I also wanted like a scene where like all the samples are finally collected.

Yeah.

And we go over a speed bump, um, like, you know, like with milk, the milk in the Tesla. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, and then all you think it's the cum, but it's really just Milk again.

Yeah, I think like that's—

that would have been fun. There's just a lot of— and like getting you guys all material to jerk off. Like to Ilya, I'd get pictures of myself shirtless.

And you've been bragging?

Um, no, but, um, I'm glad.

Did you get—

did you get paid yet or no?

Have we sent it over? Yeah, they're setting it up.

Thank you.

That's nice.

Really nice, David. Yeah. Ilya, so, okay, so originally I wanted to rig the race. I was like, I need Jason to win because I wanted Jason— Jason winning money is the most exciting thing. Yeah.

And obviously winning, period.

Yeah, yeah, just him winning anything. Yeah.

And what'd they say? They said no rigging.

I don't even know if they said it or we just decided, like, that's just like, we've never done that in a vlog where it's like, yeah, you shouldn't rig it, we've ruined the integrity of something. So we didn't want to, but I don't think they wanted to either.

Yeah.

Um, but I told them when I— so I, and I told all of you guys that the winner gets $25,000, and then I pulled Harry and Ilya into a side room and I was like, hey, if either of you guys win, we're gonna throw Jay $5,000. Is that okay? Damn. So yeah, just because, you know, it takes a lot for you to come and we didn't want to—

Yeah, I gotta like, I gotta really summon the gods.

Yeah.

You know? If I suddenly lost all of my memory, like something happened, I got into an accident or whatever, and you guys came the next day, like, what would you tell me so that I would be able to recognize like, oh, you guys are my friends, you're people that I like love.

What the fuck? I'd have David call you a bitch.

Yeah, I wonder what that would do to you. You'd be like, excuse me? Yeah, no. Could you imagine? Could you imagine how scary that would be?

If like Natalie walks in one day and I'm like, what up, bitch? And she's like, excuse me?

I'm like really offended.

Yeah, just like completely locked in.

You don't speak that way to women.

Yeah.

Oh my God, I'd lose it. I'd literally lock myself in my room because I'd be like scared. I'd be like, there's something inside Natalie.

Naveen was saying she was so happy that she's like, I think David really likes me. And I'm like, yeah. I was like, why? And she's like, well, he was yelling at me on Friday night.

I was like, that does mean he likes you. What did I say?

I don't know. It was like something like we were— the sperm race was pretty hectic and you needed Naveen for a shot, but she was like in the gym with me, like giving me a kiss.

Oh, you guys were making out. You guys were making out. I walked by and I go, Naveen, not now.

You guys were also making out during the bit, which I thought was like—

as much as I was kidding, I thought that was so funny.

It's crazy that we do that. I don't know. I can't explain it. You know, we, we all— I'm, I'm like baffled by it.

Yeah, it is crazy that she's like properly— yeah, I don't want to get into this, but okay. What I would say to you, Natalie, that I would know that it's you?

Yeah, how would I—

how would you be able to remember parts of your old— oh, it'd have to be like— oh, okay, okay, okay. Oh, like it'd have to be like things about your body.

Yeah, that's if I was like dating you.

What if I was like, there's a freckle over your vagina? Do you know what I mean? Like, uh, yeah, yeah. So like, what would you remember that I I'd be like, yo, your mom's like really hard to talk to.

And then you're like, oh my God, you are best friend. You remember me? I know who you are.

It all comes rushing back.

You're like, what do I say?

Get her like her favorite sandwich and like let her smell it.

Oh, maybe.

But I feel like, dude, there's like not a sandwich in the world that she'd turn down. She likes almost anything. I do love sandwiches. We got the wrong Postmates yesterday. Yeah. Brought the completely wrong order for both of us.

Yeah.

And, uh, so Natalie ordered from one place. I, I ordered from Giada.

Where'd you order from?

Who did you order from? I ordered from—

doesn't matter, not Giada, just say—

I ordered from Cava.

Yeah, yeah, okay, she ordered from Cava, I ordered from Giada. Her Cava came completely wrong. Okay. My Giada came completely wrong.

Wow.

But the Giada that came that was wrong just so happened to be Natalie's favorite order from Giada.

She's like, oh my God, that's an Egg McMuffin with bacon.

It's the pastrami, egg, and cheese on an everything bagel.

Yeah, it was like Natalie ordered it.

It was like a construction worker.

Hey, I got my egg and cheese.

All right. No, but it was— yeah, that just proves that there really isn't—

So what'd you do?

Did you switch?

No, I just had to reorder because I didn't want to order from Kyle.

I ate his lunch and then my lunch I didn't get to eat.

Oh, you didn't get to eat it?

But I just ate David's. Yeah, Natalie can like, you know, any food that will be near her, she'll love. So it's not quite that that would help me out here.

Hey, if you could pick one car, that is the biggest asshole, what, what type of car for an asshole driver?

Pick one car. Ooh, can I start with—

One car that has the worst drivers. Okay.

You know it. Okay, can I just start with a different one? Whatever. The hottest girls?

Sure.

Because I know that one for a fact.

The hottest girls are in what kind of car?

Let's see. Go ahead, you guess. Every time I see this car, I turn my head, no questions asked. I don't I see the car, I want—

I'm speeding by the car to see who's in it.

Wow. It's a Mercedes, uh, Safari car.

No, you fucking—

you know, a white Tesla.

Yeah, a white Tesla.

White Model Y. Model Y. The Model Y specifically.

Yeah.

Natalie, where do you see the hottest guys and what kind of car? Oh, Aston Martins.

Ferrari?

Of course.

Tesla covered in milk? Ferrari gifted by a friend? Uh, Porsche. Yeah, Porsche is a good one.

Porsche is like sexy, it's manly, it's masculine.

Porsche is a nice one. Yeah, except they get stolen.

Okay, what's the answer, Jay?

To the BMW?

BMW.

Oh yeah, biggest asshole drivers.

Yeah, you talking about Ilya?

I don't know how— I'm not talking about— I love Ilya. But, and it's, yeah, it just so happens he has a BMW.

But if he gets cut off— It is not just so happens, brother. He's one of the biggest assholes I ever met.

It is by fate and destiny.

If I ever get cut off in traffic, if someone's acting like an asshole—

Sorry, fate, not faith.

What?

What'd you say?

Sorry, it's fate, not faith.

I get confused.

Oh, it's always a BMW.

Yeah.

A white one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right?

Yeah, I agree.

Always. Anyone else? But also, like, I don't know, I'm not like really bothered by getting cut off.

Or do you get road rage? Not anymore. I don't get road rage, but I get pissed.

Oh my God, when people get road rage, I immediately like pump my brakes just to see them. I don't like confrontation.

I love people with road rage because I think people that get angry during the day, like about small things and they're being serious, yeah, are not real humans. Like, I always pump the brakes and I always like pull up next time and I look right at them because I'm like, like, who are you? And like, what are you doing?

Genuinely, what are you doing?

That was funny. Yeah, when you're like totally not— when you're the opposite and somebody else is just raging, it's like a really fun—

well, you have a great life.

Oh my gosh, I love— look, I've been pissed, Jay, but like, you have a great life.

You, you don't have to get upset. But the person in the car with road rage is like, their fucking wife is mad at them, their kids hate them. No, their boss just yelled at them.

That might be true in some circumstances.

That's not true.

I've had some really hot elderly women road rage. Yeah, they're like beautiful Range Rovers. I'm just saying, it's just like, I just find it really interesting.

No, that's good that you don't get upset. I mean, like, I wish I was better at that.

I don't get upset, but I'm just like, oh, and I'm talking about like you're sitting in traffic and like I have to like cut in front, like, like it's a left turn lane, I have to cut in front of you, you know, and I like ask you and maybe I even move my hand. I'm like, excuse me, I'm so sorry.

If you give a wave, yeah, I'm good. Yeah, yeah, a wave is incredible.

My favorite is like when you're trying to like merge into a lane and they're not letting you. Yeah, I love that because then I'm like, okay, I'm gonna go 7 cars ahead now, and I'm gonna fucking blast you to your destination. I will be there so fucking early. You're gonna hit some lights and I'm not.

I see you do have a little bit of rage.

Yeah, but mine's like passive. Mine's like, mine's more action.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Watch this. Mine's like, you're not gonna see me because I'm gonna be so far ahead of you. Can I talk shit about our friend real quick? Sure. Can I talk shit about Jonah? Nelly's right here. No, no, it's enough about her. Jonah?

Sure.

This guy. This guy calls me at 7 in the morning. He's making a movie, right? He's making a movie.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, and he's been— he's, he's trying to get an actor attached to the movie. He calls me in the morning. He goes, it's 7 in the morning. It's very early for me. He goes, pick up right now, emergency, pick up. He texts me. He's called me 3 times. I'm like, oh my god, what's going on? And he goes, David Spade just signed on to my movie. David Spade just signed on to my movie.

And I'm like, this is amazing. Please, can you tell me about this later?

7 AM?

Yes.

And he goes, I'm sorry, you're sleeping? I go, yes, dude, I'm sleeping. Just tell me about it later.

Later.

So calls me later, tells me about it. I'm like, hell yeah. And listen, this story is not going to make as much sense if you don't know the guy. Yeah, but like, this man is fully like delusional. Like, he says a lot of things before they happen. Yeah, a lot of things. And then, and then guess what? Guess what? Yesterday, yesterday he calls me. Yeah, actually I call him because we're talking about something And I go, "When do you start shooting with Spade?" And he goes, "Oh, he's out, he can't do it anymore. But Mark Wahlberg's back on." Or, "Mark Wahlberg's on." He names a new actor, and he goes, "This person just signed up, they're gonna do it." And it's like, what? What is going through your head when you say that? Oh my God, it frustrates me so much.

He'll just keep doing it until it's true.

I know a lot of people do that, and I told this to Jason earlier, and Jason's like, yeah, it's the worst combination because it's Jonah and it's Jonah in Hollywood. In Hollywood, you kind of— I guess if you're doing like the traditional route, it's a lot of faking till you make it kind of stuff, right?

Yeah, it's always that. It's always like a little bit of like lying until you get what you want.

Like, I feel like in Hollywood, the way to like make a deal happen The way to make a deal happen is to go— why does that sound so weird?

Happen?

What a fucking stupid word. Happen? Sounds like a name.

Happen.

Happen. Happen.

Happen.

Happen. Happen.

Sounds stupid.

Why don't you call your kid Happen?

It's not that bad. Happen.

Holy shit.

It's not bad. See, this is—

if I lose my mind, just say—

if you lose your mind—

if I lose my memory, just be like Happen. It'll all come back to me. No, I feel like the way to make deals in Hollywood is like to go to like one studio and be like, lie to them about another person and then take that lie and move it to the next. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, for sure.

You know how scam artists work? They take money from one person to fund another thing just to scam that thing. And then I feel like in Hollywood you make promises to one person saying that the other person's in. It's like when I call Illya and I'm like, yo, you should come out with us. Jon and Alex want to get drunk tonight.

Yes.

And then I call Jon and Alex and I'm like, yo, you should come out with us. Illya wants to get drunk tonight.

You're dirty copping.

Either of them None of them. Yeah, none of them have agreed to it, but now I got all 3 of them.

Yeah, when I was trying to make my first movie, I was having a lot of trouble, and I just got one actress. I got one actress to say yes, and after that I got 20 people. Really? Of like, of, of that caliber, just because that one girl said yes.

That's what you—

yeah, people love— they're like, oh, she's doing it?

Okay. Jay, for this next segment, I really want to call a listener. I got a DM. She's telling me she has a story This is a girl named Jess. She has a story that's quite literally made jaws drop. Okay, let's hope she picks up.

All righty.

This is Jesse. Jesse, welcome to The Views podcast. Jesse, I haven't told anybody about what, uh, anybody about what your story is yet, so, um, however you want to tell it, I don't want to spoil it. Um, you've only given me two words to describe what it is, but the floor is yours.

Right.

Okay.

Thank you.

Hi guys.

Hi.

Hello. Just going off the pattern of, uh, some poop references. I just had to share this one.

Couldn't keep it to myself. Okay, great. Yeah, you messaged me saying I have an insane public pooping story for the pod and you said it's made people's jaws drop.

Yeah.

So we'll see. Hopefully it lives up after that girl's threesome story. I don't know if I can compare, but okay, basically It's a tough one. When I was in college, there were fraternity formals, and this guy invited me, and it was in Charleston. And the deal was that we all shared hotel rooms with another couple. So it's a very intimate, you know, everybody's on top of each other, whatnot.

Wow.

So two beds, two beds, two couples?

Yes.

Like completely across from one another. Wow. Okay.

That's crazy. I know. And that couple is now married. And me in this current situation do not speak.

So that, that tells you that.

Okay. So basically there's one morning that a huge group of us went and got brunch, probably like a mile from where the hotel was, was gonna start the day. And as we're walking back, we had like omelets, whatever. As we're walking back, um, that's key, uh, all of a sudden I'm like, whoo, I gotta go to the bathroom, like that omelet not sitting. And then I take a few more steps and I'm like, oh, oh God, like, it's, it's coming.

Oh no, oh no.

I'm probably a quarter mile from the hotel and I just sprint and I just like take off and I'm gone. As I'm entering the lobby, the deed is done. Like, pants shat.

Like, it's done.

Oh my God. Hold on, I think you broke up for a second. So, so the, the second you start running back, quarter mile, and you didn't even make it all the way, like a tenth of a mile, you shat yourself?

Correct.

Are we talking liquid or are we talking any kind of solids?

Oh, there was some Liquid Death for sure. Yeah, I get to the room and I'm like, okay, he was not that far behind me. I don't think he chased me, but I don't have a lot of time. I have to think about what to do. So I rip off my pants and underwear, assess the situation, and I see this huge plant in the corner, a potted plant.

And I was like, that's my best bet.

Oh my God, I can't put this in the trash. And like, I can't flush anything. Like, I'm wearing jeans. So all of a sudden I start digging up the plant and shoving it down in the mulch because my thought process was like, that will cover up the smell. And the plant was right next to this other couple's bed. So I'm like, I don't know, that's just not my problem.

Wait, how big is this room where there's like, there's a potted plant and you think you, like, you even think you have a chance of getting away with this by putting it under there? Is this like a quite like large room?

Oh, not at all. We were on a college budget. This was like the beds were nearly touching each other. Oh shit. And the plant was like in the corner, but it was probably like a 5-footer.

The poop or the plant?

Oh my God.

Jesus.

Okay. Yeah. So I dug up the mulch, shoved my pants and underwear, and right as I pulled on my shorts, my date walks in and is like, what happened back there? And I'm like, I just needed to get some cardio in.

No one ever found out. No way, you got away with that?

Got away with it. To this day, it's probably still in the plant.

Oh my God, there's a little poop tree growing.

Ew. I know, it, it's, it's crazy. And for some reason, this guy— I always had weird situations where I was like somehow wetting myself or pooping on the run with him, so he doesn't know this at So this is insane.

Would you ever tell him?

Maybe. I don't know if it would break the ice or like— Yeah, I don't really think— Maybe you'll hear it.

Who knows?

Maybe. Well, he's here right now.

He's here. He's in.

He's here with us. I was just going to say we should call him and just tell him.

Oh my God. Would you do that or is that too much? I mean, he is like not a fan of me.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I bet he isn't. Sounds like he found out about the poop in the plant.

No, no, no. Um, I mean, I would do it for the plot, but this would be— it would be insane if he actually answered.

Should we try, or is it not— is it just not worth it? Now, I don't know what terms you're on, so I can't make that call for you, but like, I mean, I, I think you'd find it hilarious. Okay, let's try to give him a ring.

Oh my God.

Oh my God. Okay.

Hello?

Jesse?

Jesse?

What are you doing? Oh yeah, I remember.

If I tell him this, I'm gonna have to tell him about a time I peed on his futon, but I also covered that up. College baby. Oh my God, I'm shaking.

It's a big development if this goes through.

It's huge. She's, she's gonna put this away forever now. It's really nice. She can put it behind her.

That is nice.

Yeah, she can never feel—

she'll now find out if maybe he knew, right? Like, yeah, I fucking knew that, Jesse. I stopped texting you. The whole room smelled like shit. The hotel had to evacuate. Okay, her friend's about to be connected. Here we go, guys. Jason has left the room because he had to go, but—

Hello?

Hey, it's David.

Hey.

Okay, so Jason had to leave, but it's me and Natalie here now. Hey.

Okay, okay.

So, well, yeah, I texted the guy and I was like, that was not a butt dial, uh, I'm on a podcast and they want to hear this pooping story. And he's like, how does this involve me? And I'm like, I'm like, exactly.

Um, is he down to get on the call? Yeah, I think so. Okay, what's his name? Or no, don't tell me his name. I'm gonna keep his identity a secret.

Okay.

I saved you in Jason's phone as Jesse Poop.

It wouldn't be the first time.

This is also like so awkward. Like, we have not spoken in years. Okay, okay.

Okay.

Wow.

Oh gosh. Okay.

Hi, how are you? Just working away.

Hi, I'm David.

We're just doing a podcast with your ex-friend, ex-girlfriend.

I don't know how to— I mean, I would hope not ex-friend. I don't think anything has been done to be excommunicated as friends.

Well, just wait till you hear this story.

Okay.

She's being really brave right now by admitting this to you, but we thought it'd be funny and she's, she's going for it. So let's see if you remember this, what this, like what the situation is from your perspective. I want to hear what happened. Um, but yeah, take it away, Jesse.

Okay. So when we were in Charleston for your formal, uh, remember when we went to that brunch place and like everybody got omelets and we were excited to start the day.

Sure.

I mean, yeah, I feel like that was when the one girl wouldn't like shut up about her phone.

Yes, that's the one. So when we were walking back, um, I noticed that that omelet did not sit well with me, and I was like, oh, this is going to be tough. And as we were about a quarter mile out from the hotel, I realized I was not going to be able to hold what was inside. So I turned to you and I said, I'll race you back. And I just sprinted towards the hotel. And if you recall, we were sharing that room.

Wait, hold on.

Do you, do you remember the sprinting back portion of the story?

Not really, but I'm pretty sure I remember the last time I saw Jesse. I think she got drunk enough to tell me this. Jesse doesn't even remember telling If that tells you how drunk she was, of like, oh, you have no idea.

Yeah, I thought I was taking this to the grave. Wait, so you know what I did with my poop pants?

I didn't see you. Maybe I think you left out that detail.

Wait, wait, wait, you just spoiled the story.

No, no, no, you stuck them in the plant.

Oh, and you still want to be my friend.

That's really nice.

I mean, hey, it happens to the best of us.

We've all been there.

Wow. Wow.

Did I tell you about what happened on the food cart?

Oh, well, I do remember you like dumped like a drink on the food cart. Wasn't it to hide like you peed on or something?

Water fight, and then I just started pouring it all out.

Yep, that was— Oh my God.

Wow, you are— I do I've never been able to look at this from the outside perspective. Like, you just are just like peeing and pooping all over, like, all my stuff.

Wow.

Wow.

This is incredible that he knew this entire time. You were just like, he has no idea, but he's just accepted you for this. Well, thanks. Yeah, thanks for calling. I'm glad we were part of such a heartwarming moment. I thought I was going to be— she was going to admit something crazy, but this feels like it went even better.

Well, yeah, thanks for having me.

Bye, guys.

Bye, Jesse.

All right, bye. Thanks. Wow, that's really funny.

That's really, really funny.

I'm trying to think.

What a man. Yeah, what a guy.

If that was the role, if that was like us in that scenario and I had shit myself and I had to run back to the hotel, I think that you would be like, nope, we're done here.

I would be done. But obviously, like, I mean, that guy sounded real like— Chill. No, like, that's like the guy you want around. Do you know what I mean?

He's like a really good sport about it.

Yeah, he sounds like he's seen fucking everything.

He—

that's why I asked myself too.

I asked Jessie. I don't know if I asked her on the pod or where it was, but I asked her. I was like, are you from the Midwest? She gives like very— she reminds me of like our friends. Yeah, she reminds me of like Sydney Smith. Like, do you know what I mean?

Just like Sydney's gonna love to hear that.

Just like someone like super chill, like down to talk about where she shit. Yeah, yeah, that's really, really funny. Do we have anything like that that's happened that's been like, um, have you had a moment like that where you've had to like— yeah, yeah, yeah.

What happened?

I didn't myself, but I peed myself. Where was it? Outside of Bootsy Bellows on Sunset Boulevard. And we were with all like, like new friends we had just made here in LA, probably like whatever, and very cool people.

Wait, was this like Kylie and Stasson?

Yes, we were driving from like Calabasas to go out to Bootsy, so it was like a 45-minute drive. And we like all piled into the Tesla, we were having a great old time, we're young, drunk, we're partying. Wow. And I had— it was Victoria and her sister were both sitting my lap, like on top of me.

So they're like pinching your bladder.

So pinching my bladder. And I was like, okay, I could do this, it's fine. Then the, like, the last 20 minutes I am like, like fighting for my life. And then you— the Tesla— you open the Tesla door, everyone is so fucking slow to get out. You open the Tesla door and thank God everyone was fairly drunk, so no one really took notice. They were just like, oh, where's Natalie going? And I booked it out of that Tesla down the street. And as I'm running, I'm just peeing myself all the way down the sidewalk.

I remember this.

Oh my God, on the sidewalk?

Like, I'm running down the sidewalk on Sunset Boulevard completely just peeing myself. My— like, and I'm wearing jeans, my pants are soaked. I could not hold it any longer. I tried to like go around the corner so you guys wouldn't see me like squat and pee.

And then—

wait, I thought—

yeah, yeah.

And then everybody just went inside and had a great time. I think I got a text like 30 minutes later like, hey, where the fuck did you go? But I didn't even— I didn't come back. I—

there was like—

there's like cars that wait outside of clubs, whatever, when which is honestly so fucking dangerous. I got into this like guy's Mercedes that was just doing like random car transports.

It wasn't even like a taxi or anything?

Not a taxi, not an Uber or anything. I got in and he took me home and I just sat in the back of his car with my peed pants.

And you didn't come back to like finish the night? Nope. That sounds very unlike you.

No, I know.

I remember this story about her. I thought you like went around and I thought you peed successfully, but it was an unsuccessful peeing.

No, I like, it went down my pants. I did, I think, get my pants once I went around the corner and like—

That, the moment where like the pee first starts to go. Oh my God, it's like— It's one of the, 'cause it's like you feel it on your leg, right? You feel how warm it is.

Terrible.

And then it's just like, fuck it.

Yes.

And then there's like a split second where you think you can like withdraw it, but then you're also just like, you can't fight. There's like something instinctual about letting it go. I don't know how to explain it. I've peed myself like probably a couple times. And like, every time I remember, like, once the first drop hits, it's game over. It's just fucking let it go.

Yeah, no, for sure.

Yeah, note to self. Well, guys, that's, that's the time we had for the pod today.

We wanted to— I love when we get down and dirty, we share the rivers.

I mean, yeah, we needed it.

This may be another Emmy contender, honestly. Probably. I mean, Jesse just, you know, relives some serious memories.

She put herself out there, she was vulnerable.

That's really funny. The funny part of that story is that she doesn't remember telling him. He's like, yeah, I fucking knew. She really likes to get drunk. Okay, that's all the time we have. Thank you guys for everyone joining us. Let us know for the next pod what you guys want to hear. We're here and we'll see you guys soon. In one day.

Bye.