Catching David in the Act

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where we live life and talk about everything. I know the last 3 episodes have been very sex-filled, so I'm gonna tone it back. I'm just— I'm gonna get this out of the way because this is very important. This has nothing to do with sex. Yeah, but it is a situation that happened to me And I want to address it. John came into my room last night. John's here on the podcast, my roommate. He lives with me. My childhood friend Alex is also here. John last night came to my room.

Yeah.

Without knocking.

What time?

What time was it, John?

Like midnight.

Noon. Noon midnight. Noon, dark noon. That's how he calls it. Evil noon. Evil noon. Noon sideways, you know?

Evil noon. Opposite noon.

So he walked in on me jerking off. Oh, and I don't think— I don't think I've ever been walked— I don't think anybody has ever walked in on me jerking off. Jonah claims that he's walked in on me like 3 times, which is like so fucking absurd to lie that it's been 3 times. But, but no, that's, that's not the case. So John walked in on me. What did you see?

First of all, I mean, it was really dark. The steam shower was on because I was doing my rounds. I usually like when I come home—

your rounds.

Okay. My rounds is—

if my rounds is who can I catch masturbating? No, no, no.

If I don't see any of them because like I'm out all day or something like, and I was never home.

Okay.

I usually do my rounds of like, oh, I'll check up on Dave and Ilya and Alex.

Jay, I'm so sorry. Can you stop fidgeting?

What am I doing?

You're playing with the edge of that box, dude. Every time, every time on the pod.

He's such an anal retentive.

What am I doing?

He gets thrown. He's literally like a deer in headlights. Like if you go like this. Or if you go, if you, if I look here and I'm not looking at him, he flips out. It's crazy.

Yeah. The other day we had a rug and he was like nails on a chalkboard. Like the rug was rolled up because we had an event here and he was scratching the back of the rug like this. Like, like it's like when someone that has like issues, like has to like quickly itch. No, I know, I know, I do. But like, yes, I have a very strong, I have a very weak mental game. That's actually why I quit tennis. Because I could not focus. I lose myself. If you saw anything distracts me and I blame it at like, like when we play pickleball, if the score is called wrong, dude, I always— because I mentally lose my— I lose my fucking shit.

You wash your hands a lot?

Yeah, you do.

Like, like an abnormal amount.

Jay, that's not like that, right?

What?

Yeah, that just reminded me of a story. Like, we were in New York for David's, like, first pickleball tournament.

Yeah.

And it was me and Alex on the sidelines and Ilya.

Oh my God.

And then whenever like Dave would do something stupid and he would lose a point and I just like raise my head and like flinch a little bit. He's like, John, shut the fuck up. And I'm like, I didn't do anything.

Or the other way too. If I like, if I made the smallest little like, yay, like nice. Yeah.

It's like, don't celebrate me.

Shut the fuck up. No, no, no. It's, It's really bad. That's 100% the reason, like, I could not do tennis any longer. I was just like, I was a— and tennis is the hardest sport in my opinion, like mentally.

Yeah.

Like I feel like basketball, football, you could kind of like, like you're always moving.

Sure.

And tennis is like, it's weird because it's like golf, but it's faster.

You have no coach. You have no teammate.

But there's something about like how like, I don't know. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, it's like, it's not as—

And then if you get too much in your head, you're like, I'm hitting the ball, I'm hitting the ball.

Yeah.

How am I hitting the ball?

Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah. And it's like, is my hand too sweaty? Yeah, it's a mess. But yeah, sorry, that was a— see how much you derailed me just by itching that goddamn box?

When John caught you masturbating, did you get upset because he was in the corner?

Yeah. No, I actually loved it. I love that he was watching.

Okay, so you do your rounds.

Yeah.

Which is really sweet.

Yeah, he checks in on me every night, but normally he fucking knocks. For some reason he thought he could just come in.

No. Cuz I thought, dude, the lights were off and I thought he went out cuz his— I was like, oh wow, his car's not here. I didn't see it in the driveway.

Yeah.

So I was like, oh, he, he must have gone out.

Yeah.

And so I was— but I heard something, so I was like, oh wait, I heard something. Like, it was kind of loud. I was like, oh, maybe he's watching a movie.

I was like, it was not loud.

Shut the fuck up.

There's no way it was loud, dude.

It was loud enough that I could hear it.

You heard my porn?

I didn't hear anything. I was hearing something.

Okay, I can't tell you. You understand how confusing you are, John?

Dude, I understand.

I didn't hear Anything. I heard something.

Well, the steam shower.

Can we get to the meat and the potatoes of this goddamn thing?

I hate talking about this stuff, dude. It's the worst.

I don't like it. Well, stop doing it, you fucking pervert. He walked in on me. I quickly covered up and I was like—

What'd you say when he walked in? John?

No, I said, John, I'm jerking off. I had to let him know because there's no— it's 2025. You know what I mean? There's no cool way to like play that off where someone like—

There was a cool— he In his head already played it out a cool way. He thought you were with a girl.

No, no, no. But I'm saying there's no way to like cover that up. Obviously I didn't know that he thought I was with a girl, but it was definitely something happened because I jolted because I got scared.

Yeah, you kicked up.

Yeah, but I was just like, I'm just jerking off. And then I was like, oh, okay, sorry. And then he was closing the door and I'm like, no, no, come in because I don't—

Yeah, dude, it felt like walking on a parent or something. And they're like, fine, just come in.

Just come in.

What do you want?

Well, I put my dick away and I was like, well, I don't get to see John often, so He starts putting back his boxers back on. I literally stopped doing it and then, yeah, he came down and he sat on the bed. My bed's big.

You stayed? I would never have stayed. Really? No, no.

No, no. I would have ran. No, it's cool.

It's not like that.

He had a half chub, but it was fine.

No, and then Alex came and then, yeah.

And then we all sat down in the bed.

I don't even think I masturbated that night. I think we just all hung out.

Yeah, it's fine.

That's my favorite type of masturbating.

Which one?

When the boys walk in, you know? When the boys walk in and you realize that the vibes are better than the porn.

Crazy.

You remember what the most important parts of life are.

That's nice.

That's how you know. That's how you know I'm a real guy, real OG.

You love your friends. You know, you love these guys.

I'd be rock hard, but I'd fucking— I'll let go of my boner for you, Jon. I'll let go of my penis.

How does that make you feel, Jon?

Just to hang out with you.

I mean, I don't know, man. I still felt like I was just— it was just weird. I mean, it was weird. I don't— I usually— I do knock. I do knock.

No, that's fine.

I respect people's privacy.

What did you see exactly?

I also normally—

Honestly, I thought it was a woman, okay? With their bare legs.

A who? He thought it was one woman with multiple heads. He calls those a women.

I'm lost.

No, he thought— sorry, he thought I was—

did you say an Orman?

No, no, he thought I was with a girl.

Uh-uh.

I thought he was the girl at one point, and then he's calling me a woman.

Now you're just confusing everybody. Um, anyway, so Lollapalooza is this week, which I'm excited about. We're recording this podcast a day early, so I'm probably already there.

Great.

Really interesting. Like, I booked my hotels like 5 months ago for Lollapalooza and it was like $300, $400 for the room. And now Zayn's coming and the same room is $2,000, which is so weird because don't hotels normally know? Yeah, that like, hey, Lollapalooza is around this time.

They fucked up.

They fucked up. They should charge me $2,000.

Coachella knows Coachella.

Yeah, you can't like— that's so— that's my favorite part about Palm Springs is like, if you buy a house there, like my real estate agent is like, just buy a house in Palm Springs. You'll pay it off by renting it. You'll pay your mortgage off just by renting it those 4 weeks of Stagecoach and Coachella.

Really?

Yes.

So what do you get?

You pay your entire mortgage.

Let's get an idea. $30K for the weekend, maybe for the house? $25K?

No, no, no, no.

How much?

For like a big house, it's like— for like a $10 million house, it's probably like $150K.

Oh yeah. Holy shit.

What?

Dude, I don't know, man. Yes, bro. It's a lot of money.

It's a lot of money.

Coachella—

I know this. I know this.

Yeah, yeah.

Coachella houses are a lot.

$150K and it's a $10 million house.

My real estate agent is Tyga's real estate manager, and he says Tyga bought his place and he just pays it off literally for the rental.

Oh, wow.

Yeah. And then year-round he just has basically a free house that he's also just building equity on.

So it's summertime in Palm Springs is awful.

Summertime in Palm Springs, terrible. I didn't know that. Did you know that they don't— that the golf— like Madison Club, the golf course closes in the summer in Palm Springs?

No way.

Because it's so fucking hot.

Can't go out there for 3 months.

It's closed. In the summer.

That makes sense.

I know, but isn't that like kind of crazy? Like you just would never imagine anything other than a school is closed for summer.

Did you see this thing on ChatGPT? I was watching the Sam Altman interview and that, you know, like—

I love ChatGPT talking. It's been a while.

Well, you know, when you talk to your ChatGPT, whatever you say can be used in court. Whereas, and people use their ChatGPT as like a therapist, so they say like wild shit. But with the therapist, you know, there's laws, there's like doctor-patient.

That— no, that's all—

that's protected.

But no, no, that could be subpoenaed in court.

Uh, not a therapist. Yeah, that's protected.

No, not if there's a court case. It could definitely be subpoenaed.

Uh, like what you tell your lawyer, like, that's confidential.

That's a better example, I think.

And same thing with a therapist too.

Yeah, I mean, it's probably like a HIPAA thing.

Well, I think it depends, but, uh, I think there's certain rules. Like, if you're saying you're gonna hurt somebody Uh-huh. Your therapist can break the rules if you say you're gonna kill yourself. Your therapist can break the rules.

Yeah, that's true. But did you watch that interview with, um, Theo Von? It was so good.

No, wait, Theo Von had him on? Theo Von interviewed Sam Altman?

Yeah, Theo Von's crushing it.

Oh wow, that's crazy.

Great people all the time.

Oh yeah, he's getting— and he's not just getting like celebs. No, he's doing real—

yeah, he's doing everybody. I mean, he had Joaquin Phoenix on, but yeah, really right. Wow.

Okay, so he interviewed Sam Altman. What was the question?

Sam Altman was just really interesting. Like, he's pretty, he's pretty like he'll tell you the flaws with ChatGPT.

Yeah.

And he'll also say the things that are like, yeah, this, this could be really scary if this happens.

Okay. So give me some examples.

So like, he's like, ideally I would love it if the 5-hour work week, we all had like a 4 or a 10-hour work week. Like, right. That would be ideal with ChatGPT. He's like, but I don't know. He's like, it might end up in the hands of the wrong people. And, you know, we're all fucked. And it's really interesting because it's like, well, wait a minute, you made this. I don't know what I mean, but he's super honest about it.

But I don't know why I can't wrap my head around how is it possible to have a 10-hour work week? Do you know what I mean? Why is that? Why is that not—

well, that's like, that's an extreme, obviously. But I mean, let's say our lives get easier and better. Let's use that as an example.

But how can they all get better for everybody? Like, that just feel like that's not like— it's—

yeah, there's something—

it's better. It doesn't have to be at the price of somebody else.

Well, like, one of the things he was talking about was Theo was like, are you going to send your kids to college? He's like, no, probably not.

Theo asked him.

Yeah. And Sam Altman was like, no, Probably not. Like, why would I? And he's like, one of the things I want to do is like, I want ChatGPT to be free to everybody and like, you know, put it all over. And then he was saying also that he would try to make this sort of coin that everybody would be paid from ChatGPT and everybody would like get like money from a fund or get these like coins. Think of it as like a Bitcoin or whatever, but it would be like ChatGPT coin. But every single human on the planet would have access to this coin and money, and it would have value and all that stuff.

What the fuck are you saying? How's that?

Yeah, Jay, you're saying universal income from a coin that—

which is about downloading the app, you make money. You sound like you got scammed on an email.

No, I mean, I'm telling you what he said. Like, it's not in play, but he was like, that was like one of the things that he was talking about.

Everyone's going to get free money from downloading this app.

Yeah, like, where does the free money come from?

It comes from the money that is made through ChatGPT.

Oh, and let me guess what else he said, that hot singles are waiting in my area.

Hot grandmas want He did say that.

You've been getting that on your advertisements ever?

Yeah.

Did we talk about this?

Yeah, we did.

Oh, that was on the pod?

Yeah.

I thought I was having like a—

You get grannies. I don't.

Okay.

Yeah. Were you on Epstein's list?

Um, John, be honest.

No. You weren't there.

No, I don't think I was born there.

John, you're not on Epstein's list.

I think I'm too old for Epstein's list.

Have you ever visited the island?

Which island?

Okay.

Nice. No play. He's clean.

He's good.

Witch Island. Genius.

You ever been there?

What?

You ever been there?

Jake, cut this. No, I've never been. Would you go?

Uh, sure. I go now.

Wait, Jake, that's crazy.

No, I'd go now, check it out.

No, he's saying he'd go now.

I'd go now. You wouldn't go then?

You are the demographic to go there though.

Yeah. Oh, cuz I'm 50?

Yeah. Wait, I mean, exactly.

Well, I wasn't 50 in 2000.

What if some— what if that's crazy?

Jay, you're rocking 30s.

I was 30. Yeah.

Wow.

You ever think that, that— what if that's like all completely not real?

Uh, guys, I don't think you're understanding, dude. Jay lived a completely different life at 2000. He saw the dot-com bubble.

Sure, I was here for Y2K.

He saw World War II.

I saw grunge.

Jay, what's some crazy things that you've experienced through your old age that maybe we haven't? Good things or bad things?

Bad things. Your body always hurts.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm saying what, like you. You experienced. Where Were you during 9 11?

I was in LA visiting L. A from. From New York.

Oh, okay.

That was crazy.

What was that like? Stop playing with that goddamn box.

It was like. It was like, oh, shit. Like, we're done. Like it's gonna be World War III.

Okay, you gotta explain a little bit more because I feel like most people were like 6 or 7.

I came here to do a show. I did a show in LA, like a comedy show, the big, big comedy show with Zach Galifianakis. It was so fun. I was like, wow, things are gonna really happen for me. It went really well. I was sleeping at Marnie's house. I was like seeing Marnie, my first wife.

Oh, you were still— you were just dating?

Yeah, we're just dating.

Wow, things were on the up.

Things were on the up. Oh my God, we just got a dog. Wow, incredible dog.

Wait, why did Zach Galifianakis invite you? What happened?

He was just on the bill with me, so that was cool.

And how did you get that gig? It's just from like just grinding in, doing, doing—

yeah, doing sets and trying and trying. And when you—

and you came out for—

and Tenacious D was on the— on the—

on the Tenacious D. Jack Black.

Yeah, yeah, that was when they were back performing.

Wow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.. And so it's really fun and it's like, it's fun to be a part of that.

You're like, wait, wait. And you came over September 2000, like just for, just for like the month, the weekend?

Yeah. Oh wait, no, I had just moved. I had just moved to LA. No, I had lived in LA. I was living in LA, but all my friends—

You gotta get your story straight, brother, because here's your—

Hang on, hang on.

Hallucinations right here. Hang on. So that's what it was. I had been living in LA, but all my bandmates, all my comedy partners were still in New York and they came out for the show and they were crashing at Marnie's. That's what it was. And I remember I was asleep in Marnie's bed and her mother called at like 7 in the morning or 6 in the morning, whatever it was. Might have been 6 in the morning.

Maybe even earlier.

Yeah, I think it happened at 9 in New York.

8 or 9.

So yeah, so let's say it was 5 or 6 and she's like, she's like, "There's a bomb in the World Trade Center!" And I was just like, "Ah!" Wait, Marnie's mom?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow. Yeah. And that was it. And then we were just like, wow. And then—

What do you mean that was it? You can't just say that was it.

I mean, you know the rest.

No, I know, but did you turn on the TV?

Like, yeah, we turned on the TV.

Did your friends from New York, were they like panicking? Were they like—

yeah, yeah, they were so panicking because they lived there. And I was like, and in the back of my mind I was like, thank God I got out of there. That's so crazy because then I thought New York was just gonna go off.

Crazy there was no social media to like— yeah, I can't imagine.

Could you imagine like social, like just the people in the buildings like posting from inside? Like, so insane. Like, I'm here right now, I need help, I'm on this floor. Like, that's wild.

World.

I was in— I don't know why I remember it. So I know we've talked about on the pod a long time ago, but like, I don't know why, but I remember watching it on TV. Yeah, in Slovakia. I don't know what time of day it was, so I don't really know how this adds up, but I remember like my mom crying, trying to get a hold of my dad who was living in New York. And then he woke up, I think like 11 AM, 10, 11, and he just went on his roof and the, the buildings were gone. Oh, slept through the whole thing.

Wow.

It's kind of crazy. Your dad did? Yeah.

Oh my God. That's super scary.

Yeah. I mean, isn't that insane to like wake up and then you go on, you go look outside of like the most famous skyline on all of the planet. Yeah. And two of the buildings are not there. Yeah. I can't move. That's fucking wild. Yeah. And for the longest time, I've also said this on the pod, but now that we're on the topic, like 9/11 was like a big part of my life for some reason. I guess I was kind of like traumatic as a kid, like just like watching that. It's like I've always like been so interested in it, whether it was conspiracy theories or just like every year I would buy the commemorative coins that would like come up on the TV, which I don't know what that was funding. Like, I don't know where the money was going.

How much was the cost for one of those coins?

I don't know. I don't remember. It was like 10 bucks, 2 payments of $19.99 or something for like the commemorative rare coin. That was the Bitcoin before Bitcoin was 9/11 coins.

What are they worth now? Probably 25 cents. When you got them in the mail, were you like, oh yes.

I don't, I honestly, I feel like I actually only bought them once, but every time they came around, it was like a really big, like moral dilemma for me. It was like, I gotta get this shit. Like, I gotta show my support. I really want the coin too. It's fucking sick. Um, but yeah, it was like always like 9/11 was always such a big deal to me. And then I, I remember second grade came around and we were talking about 9/11 and I, I said this on the pod, but I was like, it was second or fourth grade, second grade. And I was like, well, at least nobody died. And, and that's when, that's when my teacher was like, uh, literally everyone in the class, which is kind of crazy because everyone was really young. They looked at me like I was fucking crazy.

Why'd you think that?

Why'd you think that? My parents told me no one died.

Oh, why?

Hallucinations? Because I was so young. I was so young, I was like freaking out about it.

And I've done that. I've lied to my kids.

And then that, that was, that was the same week I found out Santa Claus was good.

Oh my God, that was the same way.

Yeah, because I went back and I was like, what else you guys— how'd you take that? I think fine.

Yeah, you're fine, right? You're like, all right, that makes sense. Yeah, I got in trouble on 9/11 because, um, we went to the beach and then Marty got really mad at me.

Oh, interesting. Wow, you're doing—

what are you doing? And I was like, we're at the beach. I was like, what do you want me to do?

Well, that'll get you canceled.

That's kind of crazy. Go to the beach? We're in LA. What am I supposed to do?

I know, it's kind of like—

canceled?

It's 9/11. It's like the fucking saddest day in all of America. You can't, like, be happy.

But I mean, we weren't, like, celebrating at the beach.

No, I know, I know, I know.

But we did get in trouble. And I guess looking back, I guess I could have sat around all day and watched the news.

I feel like— I don't mean to be this guy.

Go ahead.

But I feel like it's kind of fucked up.

No? Yeah, I guess it is.

I guess if I saw 9/11—

Like, what did you do all day? Did you fucking sit around and go to church?

Actually, I could put into perspective. If 9/11 happened and I was like of my age, I was 29 as I am today, and I found out Jon's at the fucking beach with his girlfriend when the biggest attack of all of history on the United States is happening, I would lose my shit. I mean, Alex, is that not—

You just wanted Jon close to you.

No.

You're using it as an excuse.

I don't know.

I feel like I would Really?

Other than just wanting to be like informed? Like, I don't know, I would go out and do shit.

Really? I would be like, oh, this is not the time. No, guys, guys, guys, guys, there's no way.

Uh, that's why do you have to make yourself—

yeah, that's, you know what I mean?

It wasn't just the World Trade Centers. There's another two planes hijacked somewhere, and God knows what else is about to happen. Yeah, like it was just the unsureness of like, okay, is this the beginning?

Like for your own—

I mean, for everything. Like, is this the beginning of like like literally war in the United States? Is all the—

is everything— by the time we left for the beach, all the planes were grounded.

Okay, good.

So my friends were visiting from New York, and to go to the beach is kind of— they wanted to go to Malibu, and I was like, all right, yeah, fuck it.

I don't know, I have such a weird somber ride, and we were— I have such a rad aspect to this because like this feels like the crisis of like COVID, like, oh, you're not supposed to go outside.

Well, that's different. That's because you would actually get people sick.

Yeah, but I still had to go to work every day, and I was just mad. I was just like, dude, COVID's not real. I have to go to work still.

Oh yeah, John kind of got fucked.

Everyone else got to work from home, but you had to because you're testing stuff and helping people stop COVID.

I was secretly spreading the COVID No, I was testing for the hand sanitizers. I remember my—

I think of every crisis, I've worked it.

I remember like Zane got in trouble because he would come to my house during COVID and people were getting mad, like, why are you guys hanging out? But we were next door neighbors, like our lots touched. Sure. So we were just with each other every day. But I couldn't tell anybody that we were next-door neighbors because Zane didn't want his address doxxed because everybody on the— you could have Googled my old house. Yeah. And David Dobrik's house would pop up like a pin, like on the Comedy Store.

Yeah.

Or like on Universal Studios. Yeah. And Zane never wanted to doxx, so it was really funny that I was just like, yeah, he's not my neighbor. And then— but we're like, our fences touched. It was really interesting.

Those rules were so dumb because I remember like we couldn't make videos anymore and you were excited about that because you just wanted to stop anyway. But I remember you're like, we can keep doing the podcast, which I was like, okay, but we're getting together for that. Remember that? You remember how dumb that was?

I don't know. COVID's like very confusing to me because like it just like disappeared.

I remember when 2012 happened, right? Destructive day. I don't know what you would call it. 2012 was—

Yeah, the end of the world.

Yeah, the end of the world. And I think that those all happened and everyone's like so tensed up. I remember that. And I think this was like a way to see like like what would happen? Because if obviously COVID is COVID, but like imagine if it was far stronger.

My favorite part about when Jon starts talking is figuring out how long it's gonna take me to connect with what he's saying.

Goddamn it.

Yeah, I'm sorry, sorry, I don't mean to cut you off, but I'm still not there yet. Do you know what I mean? Because you brought up 2012.

Yeah, well, it's just like, it's just like the fear factor. Like people were like on a heightened state and 2020 came out of fucking nowhere and everyone, you know, like, hey, there's this virus in Wuhan. Fear factor? Yeah, like, like Joe Rogan? No, not fear. No, like the fear, fear indicator.

Sorry, try again. Cut that out. Go again.

No, I'm not cutting it out.

Oh, we gotta cut it out.

Please.

No, because I, I told Ilya, if he's doing a pod with John, let John be raw. John's got to be wrong.

No, no, I know, I know.

Yeah, but they're just gonna be so confused, Jay.

Well, I don't know if I'm confused. Does that make sense?

He wasn't really making any point. He was just comparing it to 2012. Like it felt apocalyptic.

Yeah.

Oh, he was saying that's what it felt like.

Yeah. That's really funny. Alex just summed it up really nicely. I get it now.

Yeah. So there wasn't a point. You were just saying scary 2 times. Scary 2012. John, have you forgotten? Why are you staring into the abyss?

I don't know.

Have you forgotten what point you were making?

I'm kind of confused where to start or where to end.

So I can't start. What did you want to get across? Because I'm— what did you— let's highlight what you wanted to get across. I mean, I was just taking a guess.

You know that so well.

I think you describing what John was saying confused John. So what did you want to say?

It's hard when he talks. It's like you kind of get like dreamy and sleepy and you're like, it's like a gas is coming over the room.

That's why I said, you know what I mean? That's why I said cut it because I don't want people to crash their cars.

It's very calming. His voice is soothing.

There's something very— it's hypnotizing.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. It's in the nicest way. You just tune out.

I don't tune out. I really try.

I don't tune out because he has everything he says has the, like a high level of passion. Like, okay, this is about to be something good.

Yeah. But he doesn't even know. It's really fun. Okay. So what were you trying to say? Just so we can just end this bit, please, and move on. Hi, sorry if you're listening and you've already crashed into the side of the road. Dial 911, you've been in an accident. Wake up, wake up, wake up. John's done talking. Please wake up. Okay, go try to try to go.

What was I talking about?

You compared 2012. Yeah, 2012 to COVID. Fear factor. Like, a lot of scary.

Everyone was scared. Like, I'm just saying, like, we joke about COVID now, but like, imagine— I think maybe that was a way for like the world to like protect itself, you know? Like, ah, yeah, yeah, like maybe let's say that COVID evolved to become something even scarier.

Sure, sure. What's he saying, Jay?

I have no idea. I'm trying to help him land it.

He's— if COVID had become a really big thing, he's saying it was a way for the world to prepare itself. So what does that mean? Like, like, like, that's a word. Like God sent it?

Yeah. No, yeah, it was the first time where like the entire world agreed on something other than World War II, obviously.

I wouldn't say that.

Like, the whole world kind of just like froze.

We had to come together in a way.

Yeah, we definitely did.

Okay, the whole world definitely froze.

John, now I feel like you, because I can explain what you're saying, but when someone's jumping down your throat, you can't. Yeah, like when Dave started to jump on me, I lost what I was gonna say.

Yeah, I feel like I got your disease.

Thank you.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

I think what he's saying is COVID.

Uh, come on, dude, we can't keep doing this. We can't keep doing it.

You know what, let's move on.

This can't be a fucking 3-hour pod with one story.

I think these are the best kind of pods.

No, this is terrible. This is— no, no, it's really fun.

Oh, okay, okay.

Hey, there's just like— there's these chips that I like.

Yeah, Wavers.

They're Yes, they're called wafers. They're called Siete. Okay. And so it's like a Dorito. It's like a healthy Dorito. You know how good Doritos are?

Oh, I think I know what you mean. They're great.

Yeah. So I'm sitting there in the store. I'm at this like health food store and I'm buying the Siete chips, which I love. They're like really expensive, but I treat myself and I get them. And the guy in line, he's like, hey man, those were bought by Pepsi-Cola. He's like, all the fucking contents of those are bad now. He's like, you should know that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. He's like, they used to be really healthy. They're not anymore. They have the same ingredients. So basically like, I don't know if it's true or not, but like that's so fucked up. Like our food system is so fucked up in the United States.

Oh, it's really funny that that's the angle you're gonna take it.

Yeah, you know when you go to Europe and you like eat pizza, you don't feel like shit? Yes. But like here you do. Yeah, you know what I mean? Like all our food is fucking poisoned. I hate to be that guy.

Well, damn, that was a crazy turn of events.

Yeah, you thought you were just gonna be like, fuck this guy. Yeah, you're gonna be like, who cares?

Yeah, but all our food is poisoned. It's really fucked up.

Oh, I don't think like that.

Yeah, I don't think like that, but I kind of understand what you're saying.

Yeah, we really don't know what you're saying, Jay.

Okay, when we were in Thailand, when you ate, right, didn't you like— didn't you like process everything better?

Dude, I don't know, man.

Like when you would have rice in Thailand.

He's talking to the wrong guy. My body's built on fast food.

Yeah.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's— I also, I I, I don't care for that stuff. Like, I'm not the organic guy, right? Like, whatever's, you know, I think it's interesting. I don't care that a McDonald's burger can survive a nuclear war and can, you know, yeah, can be alive for 10 years. We haven't talked about the birthday party. How was everybody's birthday party?

It was so good. I had such a good time. Really? Mhm. I had the best time I've had in so long.

Yeah, I like getting reports back that people had fun. Oh my God, this one was so good. Everyone got really drunk. I got there Taylor. Taylor. Sorry, it's stuck in my head. But there's this moment where one of my friends came over. He's in Marvel movies. Yeah. And Taylor's never met him. And she just beelined right over to him and she's like, I recognize you. Yeah. And I was like, this is Taylor. She like watches all the Marvel movies with me. She's like so excited about that kind of stuff. And she goes, she goes, what's it like to fly? I'm like, I remember she was really drunk. Jerk. So like, she was being like fun and cute, but also like she was being honest. Yeah. So I remember like at first he looked at her like, huh? And then, and then like a couple questions, he like started to like understand Taylor. I was like, okay, okay. She's like actually like excited and a little jerk about it. So it's really, really funny. But other than that, it was really, it was really fun. I remember there was, uh, Speed was here. Yeah. Uh, it was like a big streamer, like one of the biggest. And John gets really excited about speed. And he was standing maybe like 5 feet away from John. I'm not kidding you, John. Like, it's from the distance from me to you. And he's looking at me. John points right to him and he looks at me and goes, Dave, speed. And I'm like, okay, John. Did speed hear him? It's really funny. No, no, it was really loud, but it was fricking— I mean, maybe it did. It was right behind him. No, it was a really good time.

I mean, that was crazy.

I mean, everyone's— everyone like, everyone dances. Yeah, just the vibe. And this time we didn't let too many people in, which we really liked.

Yeah, yeah, it was a smaller party.

Yeah, like normally it's like crowded and you really don't know who's who and it gets kind of dark. Mm-hmm. But this time it was like perfect. And we did this amazing thing for our neighbors. What? Where we had golf carts.

Oh, so there's no cars at all?

Yeah, there's no cars on the road. So we golf carted people up and down the hill. Yeah, looking like 4 or 5 golf carts. I didn't even know people were coming into the party and they were like, the golf carts were awesome. There's golf carts? I don't leave my house ever. I haven't left the house in 7 days. So I was like, wow, there's golf carts out there. Um, but no, it was really fun. The music was awesome. YG crushed it. Yeah. And I know what you were asking, he didn't perform the song.

He didn't.

My N-Word.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were talking about it in the car, Naveen and I were like, I wonder if he'll sing it. Yeah.

And then I'm like, well, he's Thank goodness he didn't say— I didn't know he had so many bangers. He's like featured on so many songs, so he was like, he was really going at it. Yeah, but it is really hard to host a party, I will say. I don't—

what was it like?

I know I've like hosted a couple of, but it's just a lot. Yeah, it's like, it's like, it's a lot of talking to people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's, it's not the talking that's the toughest. It's, uh, when someone pulls you when you're in the middle of another conversation.

Uh-huh. Like Natalie pulls you?

No, no, no, like another person. Yeah, the next person comes over, it's like happy birthday, and then you're like, okay, well, do I leave this conversation? Yeah, yeah, it's a skill. I was like, what do you do? What do you do?

I think you have to develop the skill of like, it's been so nice talking to you, and I have to go right now, but it's great to see you. Have the best time ever.

I know, what if you're talking to somebody so hot and you can't leave? That was my problem. I was talking to this girl that was like really pretty, and then like people came up to me and—

Not now, John!

No, literally like Natalie came up to me and was like, let's go dance. I was like, shut the fuck up, please leave. Please. But yeah, no, it was fun. It was a good time.

Yeah. Did you hide in your room at all?

No, I hid in Alex's room because my room, my room's like used.

Filled with people.

Yeah, filled with people.

Well, you had a bar in your room.

I had a bar in my room. It's really gross in my room. I put a sign on my bathroom that says do not enter. For some reason, that's when people enter the most. I don't know how that always happens, but it's the do not enter one is like the most gross one where like, like if anybody wants to puke in one, it's always the do not enter one. No one puked this year, thank God. Bad, but it feels like people go in there because like, oh, finally no one could enter this. Yeah, so it's gonna feel more private.

Naveen won $1,000.

Oh yeah, a lot of people won.

So fun.

A lot of people won money.

And we— I had the feeling she was gonna win before. I was like, you're gonna win. She was like, I know I'm gonna win. And I was like, huh, you manifested it. Yeah, manifested it. Um, but it was so great that you told me to come at 6 o'clock.

Yeah, yeah, it was great. Yeah, I always tell her because that was the most fun.

Early, I did the photo booth first. I did the spin first.

Yeah, John has a whole method when he goes to these parties.

He says when he goes like, first off, free stuff.

My favorite is when John and Alex are trying to go up to their rooms and the security stops them at the— security stops them at the stairs. Yeah, I always think that's so funny because I always like— it'll happen like once in a while and you'll just hear Natalie go, they live here, they live here. It's just like, it's such a funny thing for security to stop you in your own home.

Yeah, yeah. Jonah and I pulled up, uh, Nick and Tony in best moments last night with the security guard to get upstairs.

Oh, wait, what? Oh, just to show him that we're all friends. Yeah.

Yeah.

No way.

This guy has done a lot with David. We were dying.

Did it work? Yeah.

Really? Yeah. Well, no, Mara came over at that point and was like, they're good.

That's really funny. Yeah.

Yeah.

No, John has this method for when the parties start. He basically, because he lives here, so he gets to go. He gets to try the food first before anybody.

Nice and warm.

We had Raising Cane's. We had the Raising Cane's truck.

So good.

So good.

You had some?

Jay, I was the first one.

Yeah. So he gets the food really warm and then he goes, gets the merch early so that all the sizes are available. He probably takes an extra one for himself. And then he does any kind of game where he can win money or any like fun activation. He does first.

Really?

And he does it before anyone's there.

And I do the photo booth also because I know. So I do all the, all the activities and then I'm like, okay, now he's a nepo.

He's a nepo partygoer.

Yeah.

Wait, you do this?

You do this by yourself without Julia?

No, I do, I do it with Julia, and I try and explain to him because like she brought a plus-one this time, and I told her, look, I have a plan for you. You just got to follow me. Yeah, and she already went off track. She went straight to the bar. I'm like, ah, that's it.

She lost it.

She don't even spin the wheel. Can't get drunk at work.

Yeah, you gotta spin the wheel, win $1,000 from GoPuff.

I do these movements for a reason. It's methodical. It's efficient. Yeah, yeah, that's why.

He's a genius.

I like that.

Yeah, he's a savant.

What do you do, Alex?

Dude, today we left Tommy Bahamas. Yeah, we were in Newport Beach.

Oh, you went to Tommy Bahamas today? Yeah, it's fucking delicious.

Steak? Yeah, yeah, salad. So good. And we're leaving and we're getting up and John grabs the receipt. I'm like, why are you fucking— why are you taking the receipt? Yeah. And he's like, points. Points? Like, for what? I still don't actually know.

Tommy Bahama points?

Yeah.

Oh, like, you go on the web—

first of all, Tommy Bahamas is a 2-hour— an hour and a half drive away from us, brother.

You don't know where I go without you, okay?

Occasionally we do. We do track you, but it's an hour and a half. Is like— that's not like— that's not like the AMC.

There's one in Palm Springs, but it's pretty hard to find a Tommy.

That's like a once a year thing. I spend $100 more and I get $50 off, okay?

So Oh really?

Yes, sir.

Oh wow.

So how—

pretty good. Really? Yeah, that's so funny.

I've been, I've been doing the John method with a lot of stuff.

Dude, Jay, you know what freaks me out the most? When we go to AMC in Studio City.

Oh, this fucking ticks him off.

Dude, ticks me off. So parking is $35 because of Universal. We go for the movies, and if David buys the tickets, because these are like Marvel movies, from Fandango instead of AMC, so you have to redeem it, and the parking should only cost $5, and we usually have like 3 or 4 cars. Yeah, so I'm like, Dave, why are you paying $150 when it would just cost us $20 if I redeem this? But since he never sends me the ticket, I have to be over there and like look, because we watch a lot of movies together.

Sure, it's kind of hard to explain for somebody that's not in LA, right? What, basically parking's $35?

The parking at Universal is really bad because it's theme park prices.

Yeah, it's $35, but if you, if you show that you went to the movies, you get literally almost all of it back. Yes. And John gets really pissed when he doesn't have the ticket. He like loses his fucking shit about it because he has to pay $35. No, he doesn't have to pay when he takes his own car.

No, no, no matter who's paying. Yeah, he's very like money conscious even for other people.

Yeah, but you just show the ticket and you get the money back, right?

Yeah, but David just goes like, let's get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I see.

I gotta, I gotta, I gotta redeem the ticket first.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he wants to be in the theater, like trailers, like seated and everything, you know?

You know, you should let John take his time and do the things he likes, even if you don't, even if you don't care about the $35 you should just let him do it because like, it's him.

No, the last one was really confusing. Oh, you know what? You know what it was? It was 'cause Jon left. Yeah. It was, we left the movie theater and Jon ran back inside to do it. Yeah. And then it was me and his girlfriend just outside. And I've never hung out with Julia by myself. I know it sounds bizarre 'cause I'm like so close to Julia, but like for some reason in that moment I couldn't find things to talk to her about. And I was like, where's Jon? And it was taking him like a really long time to do it. Like a really long time. Over a minute 30. So I ran back and I'm like, John, let's go.

Yeah, you're so, you're so weird like that. You're like a child sometimes.

Yeah, you pull out your calculator and check the weather like the dude at the club. I don't know why I got so awkward. For some reason in my head I was like, ah, damn, Julia probably thinks this is weird, but I'm hanging out with her, but I'm hanging with her without John. And then it made me feel weird from my own thought. So, so then I, yeah, I got really uncomfortable and I went to look at John.

But don't you feel like there's certain people that he'll talk to that's It's like just a bad mix. Have you ever seen like David— there's just certain people, of course, he's like, I can't, I can't fucking talk.

Oh my God. But he fakes it really well, like he's good at it.

Not always. No, no, he'll fake it for a minute, but then he'll come and be like, let's fucking go, don't leave me here, you know? Like, Jay, why did you fucking leave me with that person? I'm like, it's your mom, I don't know.

Oh my God.

Hey, how do you feel about Heath moving?

Crazy. I talked to him last night. I was like, wow, it felt like time just like went like that. And I was like— and I wasn't noticing that time went by.

I was like, oh fuck, it's really weird.

Like, he looks mature. Mariah's pregnant. I don't know if I can say that.

Yeah, no, she's pregnant.

Oh, people know. Can I say that? Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah. And just, just to see that, I was like, no, it's crazy.

Oh, it's crazy. It's, it's weird to think like big boy, grown-up. It's weird to think that that's where we are.

For me to look at you guys to like be married and have kids, it's like watching my own kids grow up and be married and have kids, you know what I mean? Yeah, it's really weird.

It's really bizarre. When I think of turning the age where I start to have kids, I'm like, oh, my life is completely gonna change. But then I look at you, and you're kind of doing the same thing we are but with 2 kids. So now I'm like, fuck, does it change? Maybe my perspective will change on things?

It's all in your choices, I guess. Yeah. It's like, if I— I never quit liking you.

What you've taught me is I'm not raising my fucking kids here.

Oh yeah, where else? I can't see you living anywhere else.

I will— I'm telling you, I will move back to the suburbs. I cannot pay $100,000 for my kids to go to high school every year. I cannot do that.

I mean, that's crazy.

I think that's crazy.

And the connections they get there, like, yeah, so worth it.

You think?

What?

Yeah, yeah. Wyatt's made so many friends that are like, like doing cool stuff now. It's crazy.

I guess you're right.

No, no. Okay, your kid makes it worth it, obviously.

It's like, yeah, if your kid's not a fucker.

Yeah, but I think, I think the risks there is like higher. Like, it could go wrong. Yeah, I guess it could go wrong anywhere.

I mean, the other thing is like rich kids, they fall into drugs.

It just sucks because I don't have any other perspective other than mine. And like, my perspective has always been growing up in a small suburb is the best because all you're thinking about every day is how the fuck do I get out of here? Yeah, yeah. You want to, you want to make something of yourself. But if you start your life in LA LA or New York or one of these big cities, like, uh, what's the bigger goal?

Yeah. Where do you go from there?

Like, you're not, you know, I think you just want to like, just want to stay there. I just feel like you don't have as big of aspirations as you might have in the Midwest. But again, this is very just my perspective. I'm sure kids in LA maybe even have bigger aspirations because they see they're around the success that's more attainable. So maybe there's that side to it too.

I think that's true. Yeah, yeah, I just— when I, when I, when I hear of what Wyatt's friends are doing, I'm like, one's making a film and he's 19. Like, they're like doing cool shit.

Okay, so maybe that's— but then also I feel like you, you can maybe succeed higher in LA, but I feel like you could fall even harder.

Higher ceiling, lower floor.

Yeah, like I feel like the, the— yeah, it's like, damn, pressure. You want to look at, look at all these people around me doing so many cool things. Look at my classmates doing this. My, my, my classmate is in this Marvel movie because his dad's a producer, blah blah blah. And then look at me, I'm I'm working.

Yeah, that would put—

I'm working at Chipotle when that's a cool fucking job anywhere else in the United States. Yeah, you know what I mean?

I think Charlie feels that a little bit. Like, she's like, oh, like Wyatt knows what he wants to do. I don't yet. Yeah, you know, and then we have to always be like, oh, you're 16, don't worry about it, you'll fucking— you're gonna figure it out.

I guess just growing up is kind of tough in whichever direction you, you cut it, slice it, dice it. You're gonna be okay, John.

Why are you talking about me, man?

It's gonna be fine.

Shut up, dude.

When we were on the way back, we like, you made it clear that you needed John on the pod and that it was gonna be like right when we got home. And I go upstairs and he's playing StarCraft on his computer.

No, because nobody was down here and I was like, oh, he literally walked in here and watched me setting up.

That's crazy.

Okay, no, it was John.

I went to go pee. Okay, I went to go pee before we started the pod and you were like, up, he's gonna pee, I'm gonna play StarCraft. That's fucking insane.

Dude, it's my day off. I can do whatever the fuck I want.

I understand.

I'm going back to work tomorrow.

No, it's not.

What do you mean? It's not that. You don't even have to be here doing the pod. I very much appreciate it. That's how I'm saying. I'm just saying like, thank you. I'm just saying the pain of—

hear that, guys?

I'm saying the pain of firing up StarCraft in between 5 minutes is fucking insane.

I didn't know it was gonna be 5 minutes.

You could just lay like, I don't know.

You know me, like I gotta I gotta keep going. I'm like Jay, dude. I'm honestly like Jay. I see my life in Jay and that freaks me out, honestly.

Wait, why? Why do you see it?

It's just, I can see the anxiety and like the pessimism and I'm like, fuck, it's in me. It's in me. And I really, I honestly was already like, while you guys were talking, I was already asking like, 'cause we brought up 2008 and I was like, Jay, you've seen the cycle of highs and lows of life. You said like, you moved in LA, everything was going right.

Yeah, and then something happened, then I went to the beach, and it started going downhill.

9/11. Yeah, and I've had a lot of ups and downs, you know.

Yeah, yeah, but that's what I'm saying. It's just like, you've seen so much, and I think that's what makes him so like, like a sage to me.

I'm always here, I'm always here, Tom, if you ever want to talk to someone.

So you see yourself in him, and it scares you because you're scared of the failures to come?

I think that's exactly what he's saying.

It's like, life's pretty good right now, but J has it, it must come crashing down.

Yeah, like whatever. Like, in my— honestly, it's a terrible way of thinking.

You've always been such an optimistic person though. Where have you gotten your doom from?

No, that is not true. I've always been pessimistic. You guys just think I'm optimistic because I'm more optimistic than you guys, okay? I'm not going to lie. I see the light better than you guys.

When I see a homeless person—

I feel like when it comes to your inner—

wait, do this homeless person thing. What are you going to say? What are you going to say? When you see a homeless person, what happens? You place your hand on them and you bless them? What do you do?

No, I don't know. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, like, when you see a stranger, like, oh, it's a stranger. I'm like, oh, it's a stranger.

You know, like, like, ooh.

Wait, do the homeless person comparison because I can't imagine where you're going with it.

No, I don't know. You know what? I saw the— I saw— I went up the hill and it said, and It's not, it doesn't lead anywhere. So I'm going to stop there. Yeah.

You saw the dead end sign.

I saw the dead end sign.

Yeah.

So no homeless people. That was a crazy metaphor. I almost said another analogy.

Yeah.

I mean, cause he's, cause he's talking about homeless people and then he's like, when I went up the hill. So you think, you think you're in the story of the homeless person, but really he's painting a metaphor somewhere completely left field.

Like inception.

You don't know which story you're in. Am I in the thought or am I in the dream? Okay, damn. So you were saying—

Never mind about the homeless person. There was no homeless person.

Okay. That was also made up.

It was an hallucination.

Okay. Goddamn. Dude, if someone hasn't fucking crashed their car yet on accident, they may be on purpose by now. You may be drawing people to the end of the line, John.

I mean, isn't this what this podcast is all about? You guys just talk about anything? Yeah. I talk about everything that pops in my head. Like, 0.1 second, I say it out loud.

Yeah. I know. Sometimes I'm scared that your mouth can't keep up with your brain.

Yeah. Do you ever want to come to me for advice?

No, I just want to see— No, because if I can see you've done anything wrong, if I follow your advice, it scares me even more, you know? Yeah, because I'm gonna—

I'm gonna have to sneak this to you, brother.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, it's just like— Yeah, like he's experienced life.

I mean, I tried to give Heath advice last night. Really? Yeah. Well, I opened the door. I said, if you ever want to talk to me, I'm here.

Like, I can't imagine being a parent, dude.

Oh my God. John, but you're gonna be fine. Everything's okay. Yeah, but I'm just saying, I'm just saying, hey, what are you most stressed out about right now in life?

Everything.

I mean, honestly, give me the number one thing. What's the number one thing? Like, what's like, what's the category? Work, uh, relationship, daily life, career?

Like, bigger than just daily work?

It's kind of like that storytelling. Storytelling?

English?

English? Prepositions?

Those don't exist, okay? After high school, college, they don't exist.

What doesn't exist? Prepositions.

Oh, okay, sorry. What is that? He, she? No, those are pronouns.

Answer the question. Answer the question. What is— what do you worry about? What do you mean? Well, answer his question.

Well, it's just like everything, you know? It's just— I'm in my thoughts.

Yeah, can you just tell me, is the career mainly No, it's not.

I mean, it's sometimes career. I don't know. I mean, I don't know. It's just, I have no idea.

All right, is there anything we can help with? No, no, no. Okay, do you want to send the pod? Should we talk about it? No, no, I'm kidding. But, but, but I want to wrap up the pod, but I don't want to just, you know— No, I want the audience to know what your issue is before they go.

It's a deep end. It's a rabbit hole. It's more about me.

Obviously, that's why we're asking you.

I know.

And we don't just say— just say what I don't know.

I honestly don't know. I mean, look, look, look, it's—

you should figure that out though.

Yeah, I try, I try, I try, but you know, go talk to someone.

Just like you're having like a quarter-life crisis.

Yeah, but, but everyone, you know that.

Yeah, of course. I'm having one too. I know.

Yeah, there's me also, because you have no idea.

What the fuck?

Are you making my—

are you making mine sound worse?

Yes, absolutely.

Okay, my quarter-life crisis is worse.

You know what's worse than you?

That's a weird way to deflect.

Reflect.

Yeah, it is, it is a weird way to reflect, but it's just— there's just a lot more pressure for you. And I'm like, damn, if I was in his shoes, I don't know what the fuck I would do.

I don't know what I do. Hello there, Dave. I don't know what I do neither.

Oh, howdy do, Alex. You know what Dave do?

I don't know what they do.

Okay.

Oh my God.

All right, well, we'll figure this out. I know. All right, thank you for joining us, John. Guys, the English dub version of John's podcast will be available. We'll be available in a week. We're gonna get a voice actor to recreate what John said, but in spoken English. So please join us next week for the next podcast. Thank you, Alex. Thank you, John. You guys have anything to plug?

Nope.

No, no, no. Okay.

It's okay. I'd like to shout out Jay.

I feel bad.

Why do you feel bad? Close the podcast.

You shouldn't feel bad. Like, I've gone through everything you've gone through. I know exactly where you're sitting. I know exactly where you're sitting.

And you have no idea what you're going to go down.

But I went through the same thing you and Dave are going through, like that quarter-life crisis. This is a little Marvel post-credit Yeah, I went through the same thing, and I am here if you want to talk to somebody.

Thanks, Jay.

Off, off pod. Yeah, and then I'll just tell Dave everything on pod.

Jay's like, so I had a conversation with John off pod. Welcome back to Views. Gonna tell you guys all about it now. All right, we'll see you guys later.