$20,000 to Look Hot

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. Today I'm with Jason in Texas and we're about to talk about stuff.

Are you excited about any movies coming out?

Um, no.

Yeah, me neither.

All right, dope, let's roll the intro music. What's up guys, for the beginning of the podcast you may hear the car in the background. That's because we are in the car on the way to the airport. I'm going to Kingsville, Texas to do a show at a college.

On the move, David.

On the move. Natalie here is coughing. She's having slight panic attacks this morning.

Who would have thought a 46-year-old, I'd be in the car with a bunch of 20-year-olds going to a podunk town in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere.

Yeah, that is crazy. Before I picked you up, I thought you were gonna be in a bad mood, and I like prepared all these things like, I'm gonna tell him, I'm gonna tell him to be grateful about all these things. But then you were in a pretty good mood, so I just kind of canned it.

Soon as I got the coffee in me, I turned into the heroin addict that I am, and I was like, ding. Yeah, it all turned— it all turned around because I was—

Jason called us last night saying he couldn't make it because he was coughing up fluids. I don't know if he was being serious. And he's saying— he— we just asked him, we're like, why are you so sick? And he goes, I've been working out a lot and going, going out into the sun a lot, which almost doesn't make sense because that's like what a normal person does. It's literally exercise and walking outside.

No, I'm, I'm, I'm like really stressing my heart and my body. I'm like sprinting.

No, I think you have an actual— like you have a condition developing and you're just going to— you're going to ignore it until it's too late.

Oh, I go to the doctor. You're the one that doesn't go to the doctor. You're the one that goes, sees that weird Slovakian doctor where they put their hand on your spleen and go, oogie boogie boogie boogie boogie.

My mom's going to hate you for making fun of her doctor. He's a good doctor. We were talking about why we love the airport. Natalie, why is it that you love going to the airport?

I just love, like, I love, like, the thought of traveling and getting out. But I also, my favorite part, I don't know, there's like a specific term for this, like when there's a sound that you resonate with that's like makes you feel a certain type of way. But when I have like my, my rolly suitcase and I'm rolling it over the different, like, tiles in the airport, and it's like, and it's just rolling. It's just like, I like, I love, love, love that sound.

That's incredible, Natalie. Thank you for joining us.

Natalie proving once again she is the weirdest one in the group. Surprisingly, you'd think it would be Zane. Yeah, it's actually Natalie.

I, I was also saying I love the airport. My friends and I used to go there And we would ride the train because we couldn't actually buy a ticket. And we would just sit at the airport. And we'd go to each other and be like, how fucking crazy would it be if we fucking took off right now into a random city? But we never took off because we didn't have any money with us or even our IDs.

I always wanted to fly when I was little, but we were too poor. Kids would always go to Florida from Boston and break. And be like, we went to Florida. And I'd be like, oh man, that sounds great. And now I fly all the time, and it sucks.

The first time I flew into LA, I This is just a story because I'm looking at Jack in the Box. I had to, I had to use the bathroom and I didn't know where, so I had to use the bathroom of a Jack in the Box. And there was pee all over the toilet seat and there, there was no toilet paper left. Luckily, my mom packed me wet wipes and I was right outside Zayn Heath's house and they weren't responding and I didn't know them yet, so I couldn't double text them or call them. 'cause they were like these big Viners. So I just sat in the Jack in the Box and I sat there for an hour and 45 minutes waiting for them to respond 'cause I had no place to go.

I used to drive down and see Brandon to do Vines.

Oh yeah, that was weird. How old were you?

I was so old. I was in my 40s.

You were in your 40s and how old was Brandon?

He was like 19.

And you would drive to San Diego to Vine with him, right?

Yeah. What did his— Fullerton, which is, you know, pretty far.

What did his dad think?

His stepdad came out once and we were in the car because Brandon wouldn't let me in the house. So I'd be like, okay, and he'd be like, he's like, you can't come in the house, there's like a ton of people sleeping there. They had like lots of stepbrothers like living at the house and sleeping on the couch, and I would go down really early in the morning so I could come back and like, you know, take my kid to basketball practice or whatever. It's always Saturdays.

Christ. Saturdays at 7 AM I would wake up to go shoot Vines with a 19-year-old kid.

Yeah. That's how desperate I was.

And then Chris Hansen walked out and went, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just here to shoot Vines." That's not true.

His stepdad like knocked on the window once.

Of the car?

Yeah, and was like, "You took the trash out, Brandon?" He was like, "Yeah." And then he just gave me a long look in the eyes, and I was like, "Hi, how you doing?" Oh my God. Yeah, it was awkward. But I loved Brandon. I mean, Brandon I thought was so cool. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh, whoa, whoa, hey, hey, hey, hey. Let's cut this out. No, but I did. I loved Brandon.

It was worth it. I loved being dirty.

I loved his, I loved his like style of Vines and comedy. I thought he was so funny and so young and nubile and such a twink. And I would bring him Twinkies to kind of pass the message that I thought he was sexy, but he never got it.

Yeah, that's weird, hanging out with a 19-year-old.

I hung out with you when you were 20, you dumb fuck.

I know, but I lived out on my own. It's like weird going to visit someone at their family's home.

Yeah, he never let me in the house again. Yeah, all the Vines, if you ever go back and watch them, they're on the street or in the car because he was too scared of his family seeing you. Yeah.

Wow.

But that was okay. I never did anything sexual with him at all. I just—

well, I know that. You don't have to fucking tell me.

Do you know that, David?

What? You know, I'm actually— I'll be honest, I'm actually scared of recording this podcast right now here in the car because the audio will be bad. No, because, because I'm scared that we'll finish it by the time we get to the airport and then you'll have no reason to come with us on this trip. You'll call and Uber back.

I did try to bail last night. Yeah, something happens to me at night. I turn into like a werewolf.

Jason was trying to bail, and my excuse was, if you leave, we can't do the podcast. Yeah, can't feed your kids.

The pod—

so now he's here. Oh yeah, and then Natalie lied to Jason, told him the tickets were $5,000. And it was great, I believed it. And Jason was like, they were $5,000? And Natalie's like, yeah, Jay, it's so expensive. Carly and I are fucking cracking up in the back.

That's funny.

This next segment of the podcast is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's where we give our editor friend 25 seconds to say and do whatever he wants in return for editing our podcast. Joe, you're on now. What's up, weenies?

Welcome back to another special edition of the JTWP. Today we're gonna be doing a new segment called Reading with Joe. This is part 1 of 87 of a book we're gonna be reading called Women and Money. Chapter 1: When women and money— This was your idea, David. This was your idea. Please.

What part was my idea?

I still have 5 seconds. The teeny weeny was your idea.

Because I didn't want to fucking pay him. I was like, just do some—

Guys, can I finish the rest of the paragraph?

25 seconds, that's all the time we have.

It's just a paragraph.

No, that's all. I want to see the bit. No, fuck that, bro. Give him the time. I cut him off. It's not fair. That was the bit. That was the bit. It's just him reading.

I'll finish it though.

OK. OK. All right. We'll let him read a little bit.

OK. So imagine—

What's it called?

It's called "Women and Money." So it's how to make money if you're a woman.

OK. Go.

OK. So imagine my surprise when I learned that some of the people closest—

OK. Learn how to fucking read this shit. All right. That's all the time we have. Yeah, I gave Joe that job because I just figured that instead of us paying him, he can just talk and maybe take up some time. It's like a double win for us. He takes up time. We have to work less, and then he does more work on top of it for free.

And you call me cheap.

Yeah, but it's actually, I think, fucking us, because I think we're losing so many listeners when he goes on. So I think my plan has worked backwards.

Oh, Suze Orman. I love Suze Orman.

Throw the book away quick.

We're not podcasting.

We can. Go.

You want to just take it from the middle?

Yeah. Go. We went to go see the billboard today.

Yeah, we saw David's got a new billboard. Yeah, from Fanjoy, which is great, with his merch. It says David's Vlog. It's a very beautiful picture.

Fanjoy got us two billboards. It's the merch company I work with for the merch, and one of them happens to be literally hidden behind the building.

It's poorly placed, sort of.

We drove— let's, let's be honest, we drove an hour in traffic. Yeah, to get there, because I don't think they know where I live. So they were like, I will put it somewhere in California. So we drove there, we got there, and we couldn't find it. And then they're like, you have to look behind the cash and loan building. So we look behind the bill, the check cashing place, the check cashing place, and there it was. All we had to do was get on the hood of our car and jump up and down and maybe see the top half of our faces on the billboard.

It looked like a German designer went for broke and was like, I'm going to bring my clothes to America. And then got a poor placement somewhere.

It was a very bad placement.

Yeah, but that's okay. And then we threw eggs at it. We did.

We threw eggs at it. And after we threw the eggs, I was like, this is so fucking douchey. I got really scared. I was like, why are we throwing eggs at this? And I was scared that we were like caught on camera because I'm not even putting in the vlog because it was just like, it just didn't make sense.

Well, we threw eggs. You were filming it. We wouldn't just throw eggs at it.

We were throwing eggs because the bit was like Jason was throwing eggs at my face, but it wasn't coming off that way. It was just coming off like really douchey because people didn't know that that was us on the billboard because it was so tiny and so far away.

Hey, guess what? I saw a bunch of people walk by while we were doing it. No one cared at all.

No, no one cared about us or the billboard or the egg throwing, to be honest. So yeah, we egged our own billboard. I didn't— yeah, that won't be in a vlog. You'll just have to take our word for that.

But when you went across the street to film us, and it was me and Natalie with the eggs, Natalie confessed to me that she's in love with you.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't understand why we have to keep like hashing up this stupid topic all the time.

It's all I think about.

It's all I think about too.

Yeah, literally yesterday I was walking, you guys were at McDonald's, and I walked a little bit ahead of you, and I look back and the sun just hit both of your faces in the same way.

Was she smiling at me?

Natalie looked really good yesterday. She had on, you know, a cute outfit, whatever. And David, you look really good. And I just saw the two of you together and I was like, ah, man.

Oh, this is when we were leaving Mendocino Farms?

Can't even, can't even. It's tough.

Yeah.

It's tough for people. Look at Natalie's face.

She looks like she's gonna throw up. How's your love life?

Oh, it's rockin' and rollin', man.

It's just incredible.

I was kicked off Tinder for lying about my age.

What'd you say?

I was there as—

You were honest.

I was 29 for a long time, and then people reported it.

Hey, it's better than you being kicked off for being 45.

Yeah, and then there was a catfish incident.

There was a catfish?

Using just pictures.

You know, can I be honest with you? Yeah. When I was a— this is actually— have I ever admitted this? No. I actually catfished someone.

You did?

Yeah.

No, you didn't.

Swear to God.

Whose picture did you use?

One of the guys from my school.

Did you really?

I don't want to say who.

Say his fucking name.

No, I didn't want to say, but I confessed it to the guy. I was like, yo, listen, in 7th grade, I totally used your picture to catfish someone.

What were you doing on Tinder in 7th grade?

It was not Tinder. It was like some weird like chat thing. And this— and I was talking to this girl for fucking 2 weeks. I'm being dead serious. I was in like the 6th or 7th grade, and like, I was, I was like falling in love with this chick. And I was like, I felt so bad because I'm like, she— this isn't fucking me. This isn't me. And then she wanted— she kept asking for more pictures of me, and I kept going on his Facebook and pulling more pictures off. And the worst part was like, he was so like popular, I was scared to even friend request him. So I was limited to the amount of pictures I could pull. So, so it was And they were very blurry too, because they were just screenshots and like, oh God, it was bad.

That's really funny.

It's really bad.

That's so cool.

Yeah.

So, so, so for a podcast story.

Yeah.

For life, it's really embarrassing.

Yeah. I mean, I've listened. I was very young and I was very nerdy and I wasn't even doing it to like, to like for anything. I was just doing it like for conversation. But like, it got to a serious point where like I was talking to this girl too often. Yeah. And yeah, it was bad. It was bad. I actually feel very embarrassed thinking about it.

How did you leave it with her?

Well, I told her the truth. I was like, hey, listen, I'm using my friend's pictures.

Over chat?

Yeah, over chat.

You never talked to her on the phone?

No, never. Oh, wow. I was like, I'm using my friend's pictures. I would love to keep talking to you.

What'd she say?

She said— I think she got the real picture. No, she said, I appreciate your honesty. Oh, I think she did. Yeah, I think she asked for my real picture, but I was too scared to send it. So I sent her another one of my friends.

Compulsive liar.

And then I waited another 2 weeks. And was like, ah, you know what? That wasn't me either. No, no, no. I think she was like, I would love, I like, I appreciate the honesty. And I thought she was going to talk to me, but she didn't. Yeah. So moral of the story is keep catfishing. Never fucking admit.

I'm done with dating. I don't think I'll ever have anyone else in my life now.

Yeah.

I mean, what's the point?

I can't believe I just admit that.

I'm still kind of like, I think when you admit stuff like under the age of 15, you're good.

Okay, good. Cause you're totally lied about how old I was too. I was fucking 22.

Also, I jerked off in my mouth.

What?

Oh, also, I jerked off in my friend Mark's mouth when I was 14. Right?

No, but yeah, okay, yeah, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

But now, like, without the microphone, who was it?

Okay, I'm gonna tell you, you can react.

Okay.

Ew, it's like not cute, but he was in the 6th grade, remember?

No, for those—

every girl was obsessed with him. Natalie, I chose him for a reason. I have good taste.

Oh, no, no, no.

There was like— no, that's really— there's a lot better options.

For those of you just joining us, this is the Vernon Hills section of the show where Natalie and I talk about our hometown, where only 2 people listening know what the fuck we're talking about. Anyway, I catfished someone. Whatever, not a big deal. Have you ever catfished anybody?

Uh, like, honestly, I mean, pretty much all the time. When people meet me, they're disappointed. So— oh, wow.

Yeah, I would never be able to go through with a catfish. That's crazy.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. I don't meet that many people. But yeah, if you guys want to set me up with one of your friends or—

I think we're very busy.

Joe's mom.

I met Joe's mom the other day.

I heard. I heard she was hot. That's what you said.

I did not say that. I did not say that.

You don't think my mom's hot?

Shut up, Jason.

This is what he said. He goes, Joe's mom's really, really attractive. She's like really hot. And Joe's dad had a boner the entire time.

The boner part was real. I don't know why Joe's dad had a boner.

Well, he likes your videos.

No, but you've never catfished anybody?

No.

You ever been catfished? No. You probably weren't around for it.

I wasn't around for it.

Yeah, yeah.

I missed it all.

If you were catfishing, that'd be illegal.

Yeah. It'd be great. We had some catfishing back in the day.

You mean when you went to the lake?

Yeah.

That's silly.

Why do they call it catfishing?

I don't know. That is weird.

Catfishing. Oh, because you pull the fish out, and then you get this ugly cat?

No, maybe it's because catfishing, you're fishing for a cat.

Oh man, we just get dumber and dumber each episode.

Yeah, we do.

It's really funny.

Hey, this is better than our abortion episode though. That wasn't that good. I'd rather go an hour about catfishing than another 30 minutes about our stance on abortion or anything political. Let's just stay on this topic. What do you think about Slinkys? Just things that we're allowed to talk about. Yeah, my publicist and all we're allowed to talk about this week are raisins and s'mores.

Well, here we go.

That's the only thing we're allowed to give our opinion on now, just so we don't get in trouble and sound like idiots.

I just looked up the meaning of catfishing.

Oh, yeah. What is it? Can you read?

Yes, I can read better than most in this room. Thank you.

That's true.

The term catfish comes from fishermen putting sea catfish in with the cod to nip at their tails and keep them active. So it's like you're baiting someone to keep the conversation going. Going, keeping that relationship active.

What else you been up to? You've been down to the clubs at all? What? You've been down to the clubs at all?

No, I haven't been in the club in a while.

Stand-up clubs?

Oh, I thought you were talking about the club.

I was. Clubs?

Yeah. No, I haven't.

We've been—

we went to Saddle Ranch.

Yeah. How is Saddle Ranch?

It's good.

They know you there, huh? I like when you pull in there.

Why?

Because this guy comes out and he likes you. Is there anything better than that? It is nice when, like, the maître d'— he's not a maître d', he's the manager.

Yeah, the manager. And the valet guy always goes, baby, yeah, how are you?

That's the best.

That is really cool.

You ever go somewhere?

He goes, he 'Is business good?' That's such an adult thing to ask.

He's like, 'Is business good?' I'm like, 'For now.' I ran into a YouTuber yesterday who's, um, he's like really, really successful YouTuber.

Yeah.

And I was in my Tesla that you got me, and, uh, so I'm just on the street and he goes, he goes, 'Whoa, Jason Nash!' And I go, 'Hey, what's up, Tom?' like that. And he goes, whoa, dude, dude, what's going on? Is that your whip? Like that. And I was like, it's mine. And he goes, YouTube's doing pretty good for you, huh? And I said, yeah, for my friend.

Natalie and I made a TikTok video the other day. So TikTok is like taking over. It's like this new app. Um, so Natalie and I made a, a video. Basically, it was like, it was like a cute, like, cup, like girl and boy best friends do it, and it almost like makes it seem like you're dating. And like, you know, people love that on TikTok. So we posted that and it got 17 million views. Wow. Fucking ridiculous. 17 million views, 3 million likes. Oh my God, that's insane. So right after that, naturally, I asked Natalie if she'd marry me.

Yeah.

Um, no, but, um, but that's insane. Yeah, people slept on TikTok for a while. I was one of the first people to like—

I know you weren't.

Yes, I was.

No, you talk shit on it forever.

No, no, I was not. I was one of the first people to. Okay. Was I not, Natalie?

You weren't on it, though. I wasn't get on it until people were on it.

No. Well, yeah, you weren't.

Like, you didn't find it. And you're like, guys, check out this app. And it was like, david, you're stupid. You're like, it's going to be something.

I was like, I was like, well, because at first it was like, musically, and then it kind of went downhill.

Right.

But then they rebranded and people weren't giving them a second chance.

Right.

But then I came. I'm talking about in our friend group.

Okay.

And then in our friend group, I was like, guys, seriously, try TikTok. And now all our friends are obsessed with it.

Okay. I heard you created water too.

I was gonna say, that sounds like such a tool. Seriously, I liked it when I— I liked it before it was cool. I listened to Tame Impala 25 years ago in the womb. My mom was playing Tame Impala to me. What's your favorite item from the Stitch Fix box, Jason?

Probably these hip Adidas shoes they sent me.

What do they do?

I put them on and I felt like I had my whole life ahead of me.

Wow, deceiving. Stitch Fix is an online personal styling service that finds and delivers clothes, shoes, and accessories to fit your body, budget, and lifestyle. Just go to stitchfix.com/views and tell them your sizes, what sizes you like, and how much you want to spend on each item. I meant to say what styles you like. You'll be paired with your very own personal stylist who will handpick 5 items to send right to your door. I had a personal stylist the other day actually come into my house.

I saw. She brought nothing but black clothes.

It was very expensive. So I highly recommend Stitch Fix. It was like, like, I think I said this on the podcast, there's a couple thousand dollars of clothes. Yeah. And then you choose what you want and she returns the rest, but it's like really scary.

It's just like Stitch Fix. It's just like you send back what you don't want, but you return the rest.

But no human interaction. No one's coming to your house, so you don't get nervous. You try them on, pay only for what you love, and return the rest.

Did you get nervous when your stylist came to the house?

Very. Extremely.

What went through your mind?

Well, it's like someone else dressing you.

So you feel like a baby.

I feel like a baby. Like, you know, she's buttoning my pants, buttoning my shirt. Like, I even felt like a 3-year-old. Stitch Fix doesn't make you feel like a baby. There's no subscription required. You can sign up to receive scheduled shipments or get your fix whenever you want. Stitch Fix styling fee is only $20, which is applied toward anything that you keep from your shipment. Get started now at stitchfix.com/views, and you'll get an extra 25% off when you keep all 5 items in your box. That's stitchfix.com/views to get started today. Stitchfix.com/views.

When you were starting out and you wanted to be a YouTuber, did you ever think about, oh, one day I'll have a stylist?

No, I never thought about that.

You don't think about that because you— David basically walks around like a homeless person all the time.

Thank you.

I know I get that rap, but yeah, he wears the same kind of merch, and it's actually very, really admirable.

Yeah, dude, the other day— holy shit, I don't even know if I should be talking about this because I feel like it's top secret. Okay, but the other day I was It was the season— it's my show wrapped.

Congratulations.

Thank you. On Nickelodeon. It's completely done.

Great.

And I always wore black because I'm like, I can't wear anything else. It just doesn't make me feel good. And they were super cool. And they were like, OK, cool. Just wear all black. So every day I wore the same t-shirt. Great. But for the finale, I was like, OK, I'll spice it up. Give me something like— give me a cool jacket.

Oh, I saw this on Instagram.

So they gave me a cool— well, no, they gave me a suede jacket, like a blue suede jacket. And I loved it so much. And I looked at the price tag. It was $2,000. $2,000. And I think they borrow it from places. They don't actually buy this stuff. They just borrow it. And then at the end of the show, it wrapped. Everybody was high-fiving each other. And I go, can I keep the jacket? And she goes, well, just because you didn't like anything else and you liked wearing this jacket, I'm going to let you keep it. Wow, that's it. And I got to keep a fucking $2,000 jacket. My god, how bonkers is that? That's so much money.

That's awesome. Donate it to Jonah tomorrow and never see it again.

If anybody knows, we had a huge debate as to how much money he must have.

Yeah, we had the biggest debate about how much money he makes an episode. My guess, Zane assumed he makes like $40,000 an episode. Yeah, I thought he makes around $150,000 an episode. Yeah, what do you think?

I would say about $150,000.

Yeah, cuz like, I, we read somewhere that like The Simpsons people were getting over $500,000 per episode, which is pretty good. And SpongeBob was a fucking—

it still is a huge show unless because he's been there for 20 years, they like renegotiated and they gave him a piece of the show.

So they gave him less?

No, more. Like, if you had a piece of a show, then you're getting—

well, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, every episode you're getting producer fees.

Yeah, I don't think people understand how like voiceover work is so much money, like if you're in the right spot. Like, that's like the— it's—

they're pretty rare though, those jobs. It's like Simpsons, SpongeBob, um, King of the Hill.

Yeah, but it's also— Family Guy— a huge actor.

It's also what?

It's also rare to be like a huge actor that gets It's true. Any job in entertainment, but actors get paid more than VO actors. Yeah, but actors have to be hours in hair and makeup. They have to study lines.

That's true.

When you're a cartoon person, you don't even have to study lines. You just read that shit as you go. You show up in your pajamas. Like, that's fucking— it's— I think it's the best job in the world.

Yeah.

I don't think there's anything better than it. I don't think there's anything easier and more fun than being a voiceover actor.

It was cool watching him slide in and out of voices. Yeah, he did like the French guy, then he would do SpongeBob.

He did Gary.

I went to a Simpsons table read once, and just to watch the guy who does Homer, it was like unreal.

Why'd you go to a table read?

I had a friend that was a writer there, and he was like, you want to come to a table read? I was like, yeah, sure, Simpsons, why not? I'll check it out.

And as he's doing the read, he's doing it in the voice?

Yeah, it's crazy. He's like, oh, hello there, Marge. It's like right into Homer, spot on, loud, projecting, and nothing like his normal voice. His name is Dan Castanetta, something like that. And he's like, that's crazy. He just nailed it. I was on The Simpsons in the Boston episode. Wow. Had a good 3 or 4 lines.

Did you get paid a lot?

No, no, I probably got paid like $1,000 and then some residuals.

Which is still really crazy. It's great. $1,000 to voice a cartoon.

To go in for 20 minutes.

I always got— I always get surprised like, like when I first started doing this thing, like, like when like Tosh.0 wanted to like use my clip.

Yeah.

On YouTube or on their show, they like, they reach out and they go, here, can we use your clip? Uh, this is how much we can pay you. I was always so confused. I was like, why the fuck are you gonna pay me?

Yeah.

What do you mean? You're Tosh.0. Take the entire fucking clip.

Yeah.

That's incredible. Yeah. And like, you know, like when anybody wants to use anything of yours, they have to pay you.

Right.

Like I always thought that like, like if the Super Bowl wants to use Kesha's music, like they have to pay her.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know why I always thought that was insane.

Right.

Now I guess maybe I'm just used to it and accustomed to it. It makes sense. But like back then I was like, no, if you want to use anything of mine during the Super Bowl, please just take it.

Yeah, but because publishing has become such a big part of their earnings now because no one buys albums anymore.

Yeah, YouTube, YouTube publishing.

Don't they say that, that like all the money's in the writing?

Yeah, I don't know how—

like Sia wrote all those songs for Rihanna. Well, and that's why she's rich.

It's also interesting because like I, like I was trying to get a YouTube— like I have a, I have a song that I was trying to get like cleared for my YouTube channel. It was my, I think it was my intro song. And I can't get it cleared because it's owned by like 10 different people. So I have to go to Universal Music, then I have to go to Sony, 'cause they each own 50% of it. And then I have to go to someone else. And I have to get approval from every person. Or in this case, I would have to pay one of the people off. So I'd have to give them, like they wanted like $1,000 per vlog just so I can use this intro song. And then another person wanted another $3,000 for the song. So it's like, in total it was gonna cost me like $30,000. For me to use 4 seconds of a song for my intro on my YouTube video. So I was like, "Okay, I just won't get paid instead." So yeah, songs are so fucking insane to me.

I know. I was in the studio with my friend Charlie Puth the other day.

I was in the studio.

And we just got so creative. We lit the incense and we opened up some canned water. Yeah, you guys are crazy. And we got after it, ordered some Postmates. Benny Blanco came in.

It is crazy to see you hang out with Charlie Puth.

It's incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah. I listen to Attention all the time now. Yeah, when that bass drops, you like—

it's crazy, like after you hang out with an artist, you think their music is the best music in the world.

I'll be honest, never listened to Charlie.

Sure.

Before you introduced me to him.

But now that's all you do.

I'm literally going through all these old songs and I'm like, this is good too. It was a little deep track from Charlie. Where have I been?

Well, that's when you have like a— when you have a personal connection with the artist, you go back and you listen to like— like, you know, like, like I can't listen to like Kesha's entire album. I don't know, I keep referencing her.

Sure.

'Cause like 3 songs are songs that I would love, but the rest are just like, they're great songs, but they're just, you know what I mean?

You don't, you're not connected to them.

They're not like hits. But like, with like, when you know the artist, you listen to every song and you'll be like, oh, I can imagine him doing this in the studio.

Yeah.

And how he made this sound like this.

Who's this about?

Yeah, who is this about?

There was one song that he released that was a new song, and I was like, hmm, is that about this person? Does he get a lot of shit? Like, do people just call him right away?

Now that I know Charlie too, it's like every song, that he makes.

Like, if we talk shit on the podcast about one of our friends, we're gonna hear about it. But with Charlie, it's like, that's even bigger, bigger platform. And if it's about like love or something, you pretty much know who it's about.

Oh yeah, I was talking to an artist. I don't want to say her name, but she, she made an entire album. Um, basically it was all about her ex and how her ex ruined her entire life.

Oh boy.

And, um, she was just saying she had to call her ex and she had to go, and she had to be like, hey, I have an album, it's coming out in 2 days, it eviscerates you, it is about you, I'm It's a lot of my feelings are in it. It may make you feel some type of way, like it may make you sad. But yeah, she had to like call her and warn her. Could you imagine getting that call? Hey, so like, imagine like you're dating fucking Selena Gomez and then she calls you and she goes, yeah, so I'm just going to put you on blast. I have a huge album and everything. I talk about your penis size. I talk about what a horrible lover you were. I talk about your hairy ass. Everything is in this song. And you're just like, okay.

What'd the person say?

I don't know. I think she was just— I don't remember what she said.

Hopefully they're narcissistic enough to love it.

Yeah.

You know?

You wrote an entire album about me? No one really has time to go to the post office, Jay. You're busy. Who's got time for all that traffic, parking, lugging all your mail and packages? It's a real hassle. That's why you need Stamps.com, one of the most popular time-saving tools for small businesses. Stamps.com eliminates trips to the post office and saves you money with discounts that you can't even get at the post office. Stamps.com brings all the amazing services of the U.S. Post Office right to your computer. Whether you're a small office sending invoices, an online seller shipping out products, or even a warehouse sending thousands of packages a day, stamps.com can handle it all with ease. Simply use your computer to print official U.S. postage 24/7 for any letter, any package, any class of mail, anywhere you want to send, Once your mail is ready, just hand it to your mail carrier or drop it in a mailbox. It's that simple. Wow, that's pretty, pretty nuts, actually.

What I've been doing is I've been mailing my email to make sure that it gets there.

Yes. Yeah. I don't know what you're saying.

I print all my emails and then I—

Oh, you double send it.

I physically send them.

Yeah. So you make sure— okay.

And that's where Stamps comes in handy for me.

With Stamps.com, you could get 5 cents off every first-class stamp and up to 40% off priority mail. Stamps.com is a no-brainer, saving you time and money. It's no wonder over 700,000 small businesses already use Stamps.com. Right now our listeners get a special offer that includes a 4-week trial plus free postage and a digital scale without any long-term commitment. Just go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in "views." That's stamps.com, enter "views." Hey, have you ever, um, you ever keep a diary? No.

Ever written anything?

No, not for my feelings. I've written letters.

Have you ever written like a love letter?

Yeah, letters. Oh yeah? Yeah.

Who'd you write a letter to?

My girlfriend.

Really?

All the time. Yeah.

What'd it say?

You want me to read it? You want me to read it?

Yeah.

No, I would— I think letters are like the best thing.

So you like drop, leave it with her, like maybe on Valentine's Day or something?

Well, yeah, it was always like— yeah, it was always with like a paired with flowers or something. Yeah, I'd write like—

What would you say in there?

Jason sucks. I'm really trying to— I'm trying to get out of this friendship. I don't want to text you this because I'm scared he's looking at my phone.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day. Jason goes to the tennis club. You just, you just got your membership back. It's the, how much does it cost?

It's a lot, David. Let's move on from the price.

No, the price is the important part.

No, I don't want to say how much it is.

Really?

Yeah, it's ridiculous because people aren't going to understand. You get the money when you sell the membership.

Great. It's $20,000.

Oh, come on.

We can explain it.

You get it back though.

Yes, I understand that.

It's so like when I sold it last time.

Hold on, let me explain. Let me explain. Let me, let me just like, let me bring people in. Jason goes to tennis club where it costs $20,000. To be a member, which is ridiculous. But here's the catch. It's basically like buying a house. So you're buying into the club, like you're buying a portion of the club. So then when you leave, like if you ever decide you don't wanna be a member anymore, you sell your portion of the club. It's like having stocks, or it's like owning real estate or anything.

Except you don't make any money.

Well, you could. If the price of the club goes up, then you could sell it for higher than you bought in for. So Jason, you were telling me like 30, 40, 50 years ago, the membership was like $4,000, right? Yeah. And now it's at $20,000.

It's true.

So those people would, I mean, realistically be making $16,000 if they sold their membership.

True.

But it's a really nice club. It's at the top of Mulholland, which is like the nicest street in all of LA for views.

Yeah.

And it sits on top of a hill. It's a beautiful view of the city.

Of downtown.

Of downtown.

And I can't explain, like, the reason why I've lost weight is because I joined that club.

Yeah. So I mean, guys, there's your inspiration. If you need to lose weight, fork up $20K, and you'll lose 5 pounds like Jason did in the last 7 months.

I'm not paying for a trainer.

Yeah, sure.

I'm not paying a lot per month.

It's really funny. So the other day, I went to go play tennis. And Jonah was coming late and Jason just couldn't wait for him anymore. And you can't be at the club if you're not a member. So Jason was just like, I'm gonna go, you wait here for Jonah.

Don't make a scene.

Don't make a scene, you just play tennis. Don't say that you're not here without me. And then Jason leaves, I'm playing for like 20 minutes. And then all of a sudden, I hear from the side of the tennis court Jonah go, there they are, that's them, those are my friends. And he brought two of the people with him that were working there. And I go, "Jonah, what the fuck are you doing here?" And he goes, "Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry." And then the ladies come over because they're standing right behind me. They go, "Hi, who are you here with?" And I'm like, "Jason. He just went to go grab his kids." And they go, "Okay. Is he in the daycare section?" I go, "No, no. He went home. He went home to grab his kids." And they go, "Okay, you need to leave." And I was like, "Fuck." And Jonah's like, "I'm sorry. I fucked it up for you guys. I'm really sorry. I'm just gonna go. I'm sorry." He goes to the woman. He goes, "I'm sorry. I'm just fat. I'm fat and stupid." And the woman's like— the woman does not find that funny at all.

She's really nice too.

Yeah, but he goes, "I'm sorry. I'm fat and stupid. I'll just go. Let them stay." The lady's like, "No, everybody has to leave." So then we got kicked out of the club. Luckily Jason can still go there.

I was furious when you texted me.

Yeah.

Because that is like my one thing that I have. Everyone at the club— And it's rude, it's rude. Why doesn't he have social skills?

Everyone at the club was really nice. They're all so loaded, they have nothing to do but just wave at you. Everyone was like, hi, hello. It was fucking crazy.

Hey, what do you think about this? I got a bunch of live shows coming up. A lot of people asking me for free tickets.

Really?

Yeah, a lot of friends.

Are you trying to plug your shows in?

No, not at all. Should I give everybody free tickets?

Should I give everybody free tickets to the Miami show on June 19th at 7 PM at the Coliseum?

September 22nd. Um, I mean, like, now friends are like, hey, I want to come see you, and I'm like, oh yeah. So I've been giving away, like, I'll put your name.

Oh my God, you're so cheap. You can't even give your friends tickets. Are you being fucking serious?

No, I was just asking your policy on it.

You can't give your friends free tickets because it takes away from—

we're not doing— I'm not doing 3,000-seat theaters. I'm doing like 300 seats.

You can't give your friends tickets because it takes away from the paid tickets.

I've given away a bunch of tickets.

Jason, come on.

Well, where do you draw the line? If it's somebody like Nick Uhas, the scientist, does he get free tickets?

Yeah, he gets free tickets.

Okay, I'm just asking.

How many tickets are you giving away?

At least like 6 or 7.

Oh my God.

I'm just kidding.

Jay, you fuck.

No, I'm gonna give him free tickets. I just really wanted to plug the show.

So I'm with, uh, we're with, we're with Natalie and Carly, who, I mean, everyone in this car was in a relationship in the last 2 years. They've been in a relationship at one point. Um, Carly brings up like a really funny point. It's so funny when you get out of a relationship with a person that you've been with every day, and then you're like, okay, now, like, and then you break up, and then you're like, now what? What, are you just gonna go live by yourself? Like, how do you explain it? Like, to me, it's like, how are you just living your life? Even though that's what we're doing too, but it's weird to see it. You're like, I don't get how you're— not in a narcissistic way, but it's like, I don't get how you're just laughing. It's like, Carly's like, how are you just operating right now? Like, not hanging out? I totally get it though. It's like—

I totally get it too. It's like you lost an arm.

Yeah, you're with a person every day, and then it's like, what do you mean we don't do this anymore? Like, what do you mean I don't see you every day? What? It's like such a confusing thing.

That's disgusting.

I don't recommend it. Well, what do you think, Natalie? How do you feel since your breakup?

I mean, I feel the same way. I feel like, especially because mine was long distance. I don't live in the same state as him. So I feel like it's even more so like, oh, you just don't exist.

Like, you just don't exist anymore.

It's so weird. Someone can be such a big part of your life, and then it's like, OK, I'll see you later. I'll see you later. Never again. What about you, Jay? What's your— what are your— this is just like sorrow hour. All right, what else, Jay?

I think when you get up, when you get in the bed alone, and then you like, you actually turn and you say something, and then there's no one there.

Whoa, that's fucking never happened to me. That's really scary.

That's another thing, like being in a relationship for a really long time, I always had like a side of the bed. And even when I first moved to LA, like I always slept on one side of the bed. But now that I don't have somebody there, I just like, I'm on any side of the bed. Like sometimes I'll sleep on the left, sometimes I'll I sleep on the right, which is like, interesting, very insignificant thing.

Even when I was in a relationship, I would always just sleep in the middle.

Not surprised.

I was just— I would just spread my arms and legs and I'd just be in the middle. So not much has changed.

But it is hard, like, what, you know, we work so hard that you know when to share it with, really, you know, like, how do you— I have my kids at least.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I don't know, it is, it is a really weird—

or what do you do when something good happens? Who do you tell?

Yeah, I guess that was kind of the toughest part is like when good things would happen.

Yeah.

And you just have to tell your other friends that like aren't as close to you and like you wouldn't care about their reaction as much.

I tell my ex-wife the good things and she's like, why are you telling me this?

All right, guys. Well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast.

What? Already? How can you do this to the people?

I know, but David, you've got to give them a little bit more. There'll be another podcast next week.

That's right. Same video, same amazing duo.

Find us on Instagram. Find us on Twitter. Go buy our merch.

Go see me live September 7th. Everything's available. Well, actually, you cut me off when I plugged my show. Did you hear that? You slid under.

You plugged it in earlier.

I didn't give any dates or times. Um, what I'm going to be doing—

we have a new billboard for my vlog and my merch out.

Um, go check it out.

Go check it out. You probably won't be able to fucking find it because my merch company thought it'd be great to hide it behind a building.

Um, go to my pop-up this weekend, Century City Mall in LA. Free.

That sounds like fun.

Yeah, it's gonna be a blast. I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna—

it's nice—

crowd surf.

You're gonna crowd surf?

Yeah, through all the—

I hope the 3 people can hold you up. I hope the 3 people that come will be able to support you.

Those 3 guys that play for Sherman Oaks High School football team, make sure you come because I'm gonna need you to lift me.

All right guys, thank you guys. We'll see you later. My name is Jeff. Bye.