Sex in Quarantine

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast where it's getting quieter in my house. There's less and less people here now with the outbreak among us. It's just Jason, actually the most susceptible to the virus, is still coming over.

I just saw Zane every day and he was like, he was like, Jason, wash your hands. I'm like, why are you talking? Why are you yelling? I'm not a grandpa.

We want to make sure we don't fucking lose you. I roll intro music. Guys, The Views Podcast. I'm David. That's Jason.

What's up, guys?

What is up? What's going on? What's new?

Hey, man, I'm here to record this podcast and then go right back home.

Yeah, and that's fucking crazy.

It's so sad. You know, this whole thing has really, really, really made me appreciate life.

It is crazy. Today I woke up and the sun was shining.

Yeah. And for a second, just day to day here.

Yeah, the prettiest. And I forgot that there was like a pandemic going on. Like, it was like crazy because, because the first couple of days of Corona, it was like raining and it all made sense. I was like, oh yeah, it's raining. You shouldn't be outside. But now that it was sunny, it confused me even more. I was like, it's so nice out. Like, this is so like misleading. Like, I feel like I should be out there, but really everyone's still stuck inside.

There's nowhere to go. Charlie, Charlie said to me today, she goes, remember last week when we could go to dinner? And I said, yeah, I remember.

Fucking crazy.

Have you been to like Starbucks or anything?

No, no, no.

Bizarre, man.

Why?

Well, like, you're just supposed to support your businesses, which is— I have been doing. So I do order my Starbucks in the morning. I mobile order it, and then I go in and there's no chairs, there's no tables, and it's really weird.

Oh, you can't sit at tables or chairs?

So then I saw everyone that I know at the Starbucks, like, Jason, Jason! I'm like, hey guys, what's up? And then I like started to chat with them standing, and then they were like, you gotta go. And I was like, oh yeah, yeah, okay.

Oh wow. Are the employees wearing masks?

No. They're not wearing masks.

That's so interesting. But it's just they should definitely be wearing masks now. Like a green mask. They can make the Starbucks thing.

I guess that's actually a good thought. I didn't think of that. I will not be going there tomorrow, especially if they're making your drinks. They are making—

I mean, actually, my first fear would be for the employees. I feel like they see so many fucking people that definitely 100%.

Yeah.

And then handling money. Oh my God. They should just get rid of cash. No cash. Just swipe the credit card. I don't want to touch it. Or just wear gloves. Yeah, that's fucking terrifying. Yeah, it's crazy. I was talking to somebody and they were like, they're like, I think this is going to last like 6, 7 months.

Yeah.

Like, I think this is going to be like a long, long time.

I'm trying to be more positive than that. I'm trying to think that it—

do you think there's a chance that it'll last a couple of months?

I think, I think I'm on the— I think, I think it'll be a couple of months.

Couple of what?

Couple of months.

Really?

Yeah. Before, like, we can, like, And I don't want to— I'm just— just a guess. That's what I'm hoping. But yeah, sure, I could see it going to the end of the year. Of course.

You think there's gonna be a moment where they come out with a vaccine and everyone goes— that's what we're waiting for, right? A vaccine.

Yeah. I mean, we're— what we're— we're flattening the curve. That's what we're trying to do. We're trying to get as few people sick as possible so that they can come out with a vaccine in time.

Right. And then when the vaccine is out, right, then everything will go back to normal. Yeah, it's so crazy.

I don't— the important thing is we should tell everybody, wash your hands, stay inside, right? Don't congregate in big groups.

That's crazy.

Do your best to like really take this on and don't, you know, and fight the virus. That's how you fight it.

I watched the movie Contagion yesterday.

I've never seen it.

Oh my God.

I heard it's just like what's going on now. It's very close, except it's number 4 on iTunes.

Oh yeah, it's trending. Every, every end of the world movie is trending currently, like World War Z. The Day After Tomorrow, like even the ones like that have to do with like tornadoes and floods. Like everything is trending because everyone thinks they're dying. So yeah, I've been watching those. But, but yeah, no, Contagion is like, I don't know if the disease is worse in that movie, but like it's like killing everybody. Yeah, like left and right. Kids. Yeah. Women, everybody. Like children, the whole thing. I said kids and children twice. Kids, children, toddlers, infants, rascals, rascals, little guys. No. In the movie, it's like killing everybody. I think it had a much bigger mortality rate than corona. It's so crazy. What are you supposed to do?

You're supposed to just like Jimmy Fallon now does his show from at home. Did you see he's doing it from home?

Yeah. His wife is behind the camera.

His wife's a camerawoman and his daughter paints the all the graphics. So she painted the Jimmy Fallon logo. And when he has a guest on, she writes out the guest. So today he had like Lin-Manuel Miranda on.

Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Yeah. Lin-Manuel Miranda on. Sorry. He had Lin-Manuel.

He was rapping.

Miranda on Rocket Chat talking, and he was like playing the piano in his house.

Really?

Yeah. And like, you saw like other, like other celebrities are putting on concerts now. Like John Legend today was playing a concert on his Insta stories. Chris Martin, Charlie Puth, Chris Martin. That's the craziest one, in my opinion. To see someone like Chris Martin play, that's like so, so fucking cool.

I mean, there's a lot of good things that are happening from this. Like, for instance, I got invited to go away with my ex-wife and all her friends where we're going to maybe go away to like an Airbnb in Los Olivos.

Why are they inviting you?

Because, you know, the world might be ending, so the kids should see their father.

What's the plan with this Airbnb? Explain it to me.

Nothing. It's just like she's going to go away. Maybe today she was like, oh, you should come. Well, I kind of invited myself and she didn't object, but yeah. I'll tell you who's thriving during this. My dad. Oh my God.

How come?

Fucking been doing nothing for 30 years. He loves it. I called him. I was like really scared. My dad's in his 70s. I was like, oh man, I gotta check in on Dad. Hope he's all right. I'm like, hey, how you doing? You're okay? He's like, yeah, it's great. He's like, no problem here. Like you could just see he was so excited that there was no longer any pressure for him to do anything. You know what I mean? No, like, here's the example. Like, you know, I always like run around with my kids or whatever. So when I go to Boston, I'll be like, Dad, let's go to Urban Air, you know, like, let's go to the trampoline park. And he'll be like, wow, what do I want to do that for? Like, he just never wants to do anything. Now, for people that want to do nothing, this is great, right?

100%. Yeah, yeah. There's like, I want to also do nothing, but there's such a guilty feeling in the back of my head. And then another side of it is like, it's like I feel like I'm using this as an excuse to be lazy when I shouldn't be. Does that make sense? Right, like in the back of my head I'm like, should I go do something? But then like, no, it's better for everybody if I just stay in bed, right? Like that's how I'm thinking about it.

For us, where we go, like you have to go through that where you have to process that, like, oh, okay, like we can't go anywhere. And that's really hard for us. For me, being not doing anything for the last couple days, I, I've reflected so much. Like we go like 1,000 miles an hour, like, and so it's really hard for people like us to be like Oh, nothing.

Yeah, I saw a post today. They're like, just because you're staying at home doesn't mean you need to write the next bestseller. Doesn't mean you need to start the next podcast. Doesn't mean you need to plan out the rest of your life. Just take some time and reflect on everything.

It should be a very reflective period, like thinking about everything that we don't get to do.

I just can't seem like— I agree with that partially because in the last 2 days I've literally been reflecting on my reflection on the television screen because I've been just watching movies. But, but, but also part of me is just like, oh, Like, I feel like I should be doing something.

Yeah.

Like, there needs to be, like, a new form of my way of being creative. I don't know. Natalie and I went on livestream today on Instagram.

How was that?

It's fun. We started out at like 130,000 viewers and then it dropped to like 100,000. I was like, fuck this, we got to get off. I'm like, Jesus, 30,000 people were just like, okay, I'm bored.

Yeah.

And like, that, that, that fucks with you. So I was just like, okay, I'm not going to do this anymore.

Have you found yourself starved for, like, attention. No, like, star for any kind of interaction. Like today, Brandon Calvillo, I was FaceTiming with him and he was— he goes, I've got— I bought some weights because I can't go to the gym. And, and I— we weren't trying to be funny or anything, and I was like dead serious. I was like, oh, let me see the weights. And then he like got the weights and he got on camera, he's like showing you, and he starts like lifting weights. And David, I wasn't trying to be funny at all. I go I go, oh, how many pounds are those weights? And Brandon was like, uh, they're 30s. And then I was like, that's a lot. That's a lot to be, you know.

Yeah, that, that was your, that was your human interaction?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Did you guys just catch yourselves and start laughing?

We just started fucking busting out laughing. We were like, oh my God, what has this come to?

Yeah.

And then he even called, he even texted me, he's like, if you want later, he's like, I can like work out some more and you can watch it. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yes, later.

What I think is crazy is I think like Like, you know, when we do go out to like get groceries, if we see somebody we know, it's crazy. Like when they give you the elbow to bump, like, you know what I mean? Like, it's crazy that like, we're all on this like same, like we've all been on the same wavelength.

Yeah.

We're all on the same wavelength. Like, oh, we got an elbow.

Yeah.

Like, hey, what, how was your quarantine going? Like, it's crazy how everybody on earth is going through this, like, you know, pandemic or whatever it is. And like, you go to a store and you meet a random person and they're, they're bumping your elbow. Like, that's such a bizarre thing. Oh, it's like the new way of life now.

I know. Have you thought about how good it's going to feel like when we all go out to dinner again for the first time, or when we all like go to a concert again for the first time? Like, it's going to be insane.

Yeah.

Like, if we get— let's say, let's say, pray, like this summer we all get to go to Lollapalooza or wherever, right? We'll be like, holy fuck, like, this is the best, right? Right.

Yeah. Yeah. No, it feels— I'm super optimistic. It feels like the ending to like one of these movies where it's just like, where it's like half the population is gone and then the main character goes, now, now we have to rebuild. Like, it feels like that's what it's going to be like in my head. I just don't see it going back to normal. I don't know why. I just, I'm just being so dramatic about it. Like, it's just, I can't imagine everyone just being like, okay, time to go out and just start living our lives again.

No, no, it will. It will go back to normal.

I believe it.

Flatten the curve. We just got to, you know, that's crazy.

Yeah, because it's like going really bad and like, and like it's also crazy, like the different people I talk to, like, who have you talked to? Well, like, at first I was like, at first I was like one of those kids that was like, it doesn't affect me, whatever, who cares, right?

Right.

I was like, if I get sick, I don't get sick. And then all I was reading up on and all the people I was talking to were like, dude, like, it doesn't matter if it doesn't affect you. You got to, you got to watch out because you can infect somebody that it will affect or somebody that will get sick. And now I talk to those kids. I talk to, like, the younger kids and they go, oh, I don't give a fuck. I'm not going to get sick. And now I'm like, I've changed my opinion completely. And I'm like, what are you, crazy? You're so stupid.

Yeah.

And it's just like I'm going through these waves of, like, who I'm talking to. Like, sometimes I'll talk to people that don't care and sometimes I'll talk to people that are, like, completely overreacting.

Don't you know somebody who has it?

Yeah, a girl we're friends with has—

I don't know anybody that has it. She's— was she really sick?

She— I don't think she's showing symptoms. As of right now, but she tested for it because her boyfriend had it. Oh, she tested positive.

Oh yeah. Oh, and it's so early, like it could come out in a week or so. We don't know, right? Right.

That's crazy. Dang. And it's crazy how it's going to take so long to come up with the vaccine. I just don't understand. I don't understand how that's like not done quicker now. I don't know.

It's crazy how they estimate, like you can have the vaccine in a couple months or in 2 years. It's just like there's like this huge gap between—

yeah, you just don't know.

But it can also be here in a week, right? Isn't it just like plugging in the right numbers and getting lucky? Like, isn't that how— sure, isn't that how the vaccine works?

Yeah.

Like getting lucky to some extent. It's a lot of trials and maybe the first trial is good.

But let's talk about something light, guys. Why don't we read an ad?

Guys, I'm feeling— I feel like I've officially turned into Natalie. I have a huge wine glass in my hand full of wine and I haven't showered. And we're just here. Natalie's not— Natalie's not taking a picture of me because I resemble her so much.

I just got a text from Jack, our manager. Our manager. Yeah, I just sent Natalie some ideas for live streaming at David's. Karaoke, game night, Twister, expensive Jenga, which I don't know what expensive Jenga means.

Jack, you're nuts.

Cooking contest, live charades, Uno. Every kid in the United States is currently sitting on the couch, either on the phone watching TV or on a laptop.

Or into Hulk Hogan.

Brother, listen, David, you got to capitalize on this.

Favorite pizza place, Jason? Go.

In California?

Yeah.

Prime Pizza.

Why don't you say like Papa John's or like DiGiorno or like—

You said L.A., you should have said—

Oh, well, yeah, no, I mean like in L.A. you can get Papa John's.

Yeah, I said Prime Pizza.

Okay. Out of all pizzas.

You are so funny with food, bro. You are the weirdest food person I've ever met in my entire life. You have literally the worst taste out of anyone I know, and you are the most arrogant about food. It is unreal. It is unreal.

I have good taste buds. Jay, look at this. Look at it this way. Listen, pizza, there's something special about pizza where companies like Domino's almost have like a spell under it. Like, you know, like when you go to movie theaters and the popcorn has a certain smell that like entices you to go buy popcorn?

Yeah.

That's like the same thing with like mainstream pizza. I think it has like a taste that's more like consumable than like a good pizza in New York.

No.

You know what I mean?

It's the cheapest way to make pizza. And dude, these guys started because investors, people have a lot of money. They started these companies.

Listen, I know you have 17 places.

Like, that's why places like Fernando's doesn't do well, because they don't have big people investing in it. Like, these companies are—

I can't, I can't wait till you open a pizza store to see what it's like.

You know what, I will. Just because you said that, I'm gonna open up a pizza store.

Oh yeah, David, you'll never— mark my words right here on this podcast. No, no, no, no, keep this in, keep this in. You will never open a pizza place ever.

Oh, you wait and see.

Oh, yeah. Okay. David's Pete Dobrik's, right? What are you going to call it? Dobrik's?

That doesn't sound so bad. It sounds pretty good.

Oh, wait, is that how you're spelling it?

Yeah.

Oh, that's interesting. I didn't even think of that.

Guys, Jeff just came back from New York. He landed. He's from, like, New York. He went to a funeral. And the guy that— the guy that passed away, the guy's name was Vinnie.

Yeah, of course.

His fucking cousin Vinnie passed away. He was at his cousin Vinnie's fucking funeral.

Yeah.

Where the fuck do your friends get these names? Like, Jeff telling us he has to go to his Cousin Vinny's funeral. I thought he was fucking with us. That literally is 100% a line from some kind of a movie.

When I went and met you for the first time, I went back to your hometown. I was so fucking pleased because I was like, oh, these are the real Italians. This is like real fucking New York shit.

Yeah, I was worried about flying there because the planes is where they're saying you get the virus. But when you get there and all the Italians just have to kiss each other all over their cheeks to say hello, you realize you're in trouble.

Jeff's the last person I should be hanging out with.

No, you are.

Actually, you've been sick for the past 6 months. I'm in perfect health.

Our producer, Zane Hajazi.

I am fact-checker, so everything that they say, I make sure that they're saying it correctly or not saying it.

We are all staying in this house together. We are all young and healthy. We have nothing to worry about. We're all super young. I know that's like—

I know, I know, the truth, man. We're all young and vital and just at the prime of our existence right now.

So yeah, hey, did you know CVS stands for Coronavirus Store?

Is that true?

Yeah, 100% true. I researched it.

Do you repeat jokes throughout podcasts?

I just repeat jokes. I just general. I'm becoming my father.

Hey, do you guys think Lil Huddy's dad's name is Big Huddy?

Big Huddy.

Guess how many times you said that joke today?

How many times?

The fourth time I said it today.

It's the fourth time you said that joke.

Yeah, and this got the best laugh now.

Okay, I was thinking about this, right? I have to say this. The sweet— he's such a sweet kid.

Yeah, he looks like a great kid.

No, no, I met him. He's very nice.

Oh yeah, great kid. He's my boy.

He's my friend.

He's very nice. Yeah, but the name Lil Huddy, like when people would idolize people, like people in the past, you'd go like you'd go Audrey Hepburn, Frank Sinatra, you know what I mean? Like when you think of names from the past. But now imagine when we're gonna be like 95 and all the people are gonna go, remember Lil Huddy? Like it's crazy, it's such a different vibe, like just in the names alone.

Cardi B. Yeah, even like Cardi B, Lil Xan, Lil Uzi Vert.

Lil Yachty.

Lil Baby and DaBaby.

Lil Baby and DaBaby. There's two different people. Like names like that. Was there one performer, someone you looked up to that had a weird name when you were growing up?

No, just like Carrot Top, but that's weird.

Okay, right, like Salt-N-Pepa would probably be the same.

Salt-N-Pepa, yeah. Yeah, but they weren't huge, huge.

But now it's like, you know what I read somewhere? I don't know if this is real. Post Malone, he put his name into a rap generator and that's how he came up with the name Post Malone.

You gotta have some real balls to fucking put your name in a rap generator and go, yep, that's it. Okay, David, you've been in the house all day today. Because, you know, you haven't— we can't go out anywhere. What did you do today? Like, honestly, because I just— tell us exactly what you did.

Okay, you want me to be completely honest?

What time do you wake up?

3:30.

Did you really? Yes. You woke up at 3:30?

No, I woke up at like 2:30.

Okay, and what'd you do?

I showered.

Did you listen to music in the shower?

Yeah.

I didn't—

I'm telling you, I don't even know what I did. I can't even tell you what I did yesterday.

I know for a fact that I watched you on the couch for an hour and a half do riddles with Taylor while your computer was next to you and nothing was being edited.

That was a strength exercise. Okay, but I'm good now.

Natalie, what else did he do?

He's literally just rolled around from every part. Like, he's sat on every cushion on this couch.

I'm just doing my part. Why are you guys ganging up on me here?

No, I, I know you're doing your part and that's great, but I think it's—

I can't even get healthy anymore.

Can we—

have you guys talked about why you don't post video podcasts anymore? Because I really want to talk about that.

Yeah, tell them why.

Why don't you post video podcasts anymore?

Have I never told you, like, in real life, or do you just want to talk about it? I actually want to talk about it. I just don't like it because I like Okay, here's the thing. I'm not the biggest fan of like listening to podcasts. Like I don't enjoy them as much as I like watching things. And I feel like for that reason, I don't want my podcast to be on a platform where people come to see me. Like I don't want it to be on YouTube because I don't want people to accidentally stumble into my podcast. Like I want the people coming to my podcast to be genuinely curious about it and they wanna listen to what I have to say. I don't want them to like be seeing me in 4-minute bursts like they see on my main channel and then all of a sudden they see me for 45 minutes and it like kind of distorts their like, idea of me.

I don't— I disagree with that, um, because like your vlogs, 4 minutes and 20 seconds, oh okay, what's this kid about? Like, I don't have no idea who this kid is because I see all his friends instead of him for like 4 minutes and 20 seconds. I want to learn more about him, so I'm going to watch a 45-minute podcast about you, right?

But you're describing people that want to know more about me, and they can, they can easily find out that I have a podcast, or they can find other interviews on YouTube. I want to— I just want to separate like the stuff that's meant to be visual and the stuff that's meant to be Audible. I don't know, I just— J, how do you— I know you disagree too, but how do you—

Yeah, I mean, I, I try really hard to like understand where you're coming from on that, and I, I do see the value.

I just feel like it's giving too much. I just think going from 4 minutes to 45 minutes is like not what people are used to, and I don't want to— I don't want to like— I don't want someone that only follows me on YouTube to just like to see that side of me unless they want to. Like, I want, I want to maybe be like create the illusion of like the fun, fast, action-packed 4-minute videos and keep that like Just keeps that illusion, right? And then like if they want to know more or if they want to see more, they can look me up or they can go on my Insta stories. I don't know, I may be completely wrong, but that's just how I look at it.

But there's also the other, the other idea, which is that like if people saw more of you like that, they'd only be more interested in the videos, right?

No, there's definitely like upsides and downsides. I don't know, I just think it's— I just, I don't know. There's this guy we met, he does his— do you know what the Community app is? You just text people it doesn't post anywhere. It's not public. It just goes to people's phone numbers. And he was saying that he has a podcast just for people on his community app.

Wow.

So the only people that know about it are the people that have the phone number. So the only way it gets around is word of mouth, like, hey, text this guy, because it's not posted anywhere.

Oh wow, really?

Really?

That's really smart.

Yeah. So like, his, his listeners on his podcast are even more intimate than like having to find us on the iTunes Store or Spotify, right? I think that's interesting too.

Thanks.

Hey, what the fuck?

Jonah!

Jonah just farted out of his mouth.

You are the one person that's been giving a shit the entire time about being sick, and you just gave the biggest sneeze ever.

I don't know if that was a sneeze or a fart or a cough.

He covered his mouth. What if Jonah was the first zombie, bro?

We would have nothing to worry about.

It would be so funny.

We were talking about that earlier today. We're like, what if, like, a zombie apocalypse happened? Jonah would be the first to die.

Like, hands down, 100%. Jonah, come here.

Come over here.

Okay, this sounds completely weird, but ever since I was a kid, I've always had these fascinations of like a zombie apocalypse happening. Sure. And me like having like the sickest fucking car, like the sickest weapons, the plan, like a map, like literally what to do when a zombie fucking apocalypse happens. I drive toward the mountains. Jonah, it takes you 45 minutes to get to the airport when you live 7 minutes away. I think you're going to have a hard time running from zombies. Thank goodness zombies are slow.

Slow.

It takes him 3 hours to get ready for the airport. How long would it take him to like pack up for like the next 4 months?

That's the best thing about Jonah is like he like he doesn't realize how slow he is and then he makes these like crazy imaginative comparisons to himself. Like this is the best way to describe Jonah. It takes him an hour to get out of bed but he thinks he can kill all the zombies on planet Earth in 2 days. Okay, I mean listen, the zombie apocalypse is next and I will, I will prove it.

You'll prove it. Okay.

Okay, well, I'm looking forward to it.

If the zombie apocalypse were to happen, would zombies be fast or would they be really slow like they are in the movies?

Oh, 100%, they'd be the— I think they'd be not any faster than humans.

So just as fast, as fast as that human can go, maybe, but probably slower cuz his body is like weaker, right?

He's a zombie. Zombies are meant to walk slow.

Yeah, I understand that. But like in I Am Legend with Will Smith, all the zombies were fucking— were faster than humans, right? Which one would it be? Which one would be more realistic? But yeah, you're right.

Yeah, I think zombies are dead. I think slower. Yeah. Because if you're dead, you're slow.

David, why don't you tell everybody your most memorable Zane moment?

My most memorable moment with Zane. I mean, off camera, it was like when I first met him like that. I don't know why, but he was like the first, like, Viner I met. And he had a lot of like— he has one of the biggest accounts. On Vine. You had a ton of followers. You were like over 3 million followers.

Yeah, I said I feel like in our, in our, um, like corner of Viners, I don't know, what do you call it, like in our group?

Yeah, we had a lot of style of Vines.

In our style of Vines, we had— we were one of the top. We— I think we had like 4 by the time Vine was—

my first memory was I think I had like 600,000 followers and I was going to visit and I don't know who— did I DM you?

Oh yeah, you said, you said something about, hey, I'm coming to LA, I want to meet you guys, that's Vine or something.

Oh, you must have already been following me.

Yeah, I already— yeah, we already followed each other.

Zane was the one that followed me. Isn't that crazy that like Zane at one point was like, I like this kid?

Yeah, I know, it's crazy. Heath, Heath, I feel like Heath didn't do a lot of the, the pushing. He just like, we would make Vines, he would scroll through, but he would never actually like Vines or follow people because I never saw it in my liked or like everything that was liked and followed, I did it. I just don't think Heath like cared about it.

Weird thing to like think about that like at one point Zane saw me for the first time and was like, uh, this is funny, follow. And then like, like, and now we're here. Like, that's such a crazy thing.

I remember it was one of like, it was 3 Vines that I scrolled through and I, and then I followed you after. One of them was the, was the banana Vine where you're like, it was a con— like you had a banana in your hand, it was about a condom. It was like, and I already dropped your pants.

Oh yeah, okay.

Yeah, I did the same thing. I saw your Vines and wherever I was, I didn't know Zane yet, and I was like, oh, that kid's really funny.

No, but that's crazy. Like, when—

when it's your bits that you do right now, you still— I feel like you still take those, like, that style and you throw in your vlogs.

Well, uh, it was like misdirection. I was like, yeah, yeah. But yeah, Jason— I remember I was in school and Jason DM'd me Funny Vines Man, and I got so fucking excited.

Funny Vines Man.

I showed— I showed all my friends, and I— and I showed my teachers, and I would go, oh really, Jason? Yeah, Jason DM'd me. He's the first thing. And I was— and I was fucking freaking out. And I, and I showed my— and I had to explain to my teachers what Vine was, and then I had to show them that, like, how big Jason was on it. And I was like, this guy said I had funny Vines. And they were just like, what's going on? Why are you so excited?

So funny. I didn't even think anything of it.

That's so crazy.

Meanwhile, I have no money, I'm going through a divorce, my kids fucking are crying at night when I put them to sleep, I'm living in a studio apartment.

Heath and I were the complete opposite. Whenever, like, when someone we really liked liked our Vines or followed us, we, like, we just saw and Cool. And swipe through. We never like freaked out like that.

Oh really?

Yeah. No, like, you know what we did once? We were collabing with Marcus Johns for the first time and we freaked out. We're like, oh my God, we're about to meet a celebrity. It was fucking nuts.

Oh wow.

Marcus Johns, it was the first Viner we collabed with. Because we also—

like, you and Jason were on a complete different like playing field than me. Like, I was like a smaller Viner. You guys, you guys were like, you guys were like household name Viners.

Yeah.

Like, if someone watched Vines, they— you— I'd be able to go, you know, Jason Nash.

And they'd be like, yeah, we were— we were Viners that joined the first like 6 months after Vine came out, or Vine came out, right? It was either the first 6 months or a year. We just found it and we're like, oh shit, okay.

How not tech savvy Jason is, he still found Vine before me. Like, that's fucking—

it was through friends. I feel like he had a lot of friends that were like filming. What?

Brittany Furlan.

Yeah, she introduced you to it. That's fucking—

no, I mean, I had it, but once I made a Vine with her, then I, then I got like a small following.

And when it was like, when it— in that, in that moment, that peak moment where you're collabing with Viners, you were soaring. It was crazy.

It was like Oh, so yeah, that's my first memory with Zane is when I, when I came over there, I texted him and he wasn't responding to me. So I just—

you guys heard that?

I started, I started Ubering over there, right? Early without him responding because I'm like, oh, he'll respond. And he didn't respond. So I went to go sit at like a Carl's Jr. or Jack in the Box sort of down the street from you. And I just sat there for like an hour waiting. What? Yeah. And I was like, David, like sitting waiting for this guy to respond to me. I was like, man, I hope this big minor responds to me.

Well, didn't we have like each other's numbers at this point?

Yeah, but you didn't text me back. I don't think it was DMs, but like, you weren't like picking up like something.

Oh, fuck. It's because when people say like, hey, I'm on my way, I don't normally respond. I take that like in my head. I'm like, okay, he's on his way. He'll knock on the door when he gets here.

Sure. And then I remember Zane got me downstairs and we came up and it wasn't me and Alex.

It was you and Alex.

Yeah. And we came up and, and I just remember seeing Heath. I don't know what he was doing. It feels like rolling a joint.

I think he was smoking a cigarette outside on the balcony.

Yeah. Him like ashing the cigarette out before coming through the patio to come talk to me. Okay, that was my first sign of him just throwing a cigarette.

Movie in the back of a nightclub, just like the guy puts a cigar down, goes, there he is.

Yeah, yeah, it's real.

Did he have his mullet?

Yeah, yeah, I mean, he looked like really funny.

Yeah, you know, we were, we were at our worst, definitely. Yeah, which means that they were at their prime.

That was, that's when they were like peak funny. Like when I saw Heath and Heath gave me like that smile, like that, like Floridian hospitality type of smile. You're just like, oh, okay, you know this, you know this guy's funny.

Yeah. I love you. He's so fucking hilarious.

I wish I could watch videos of me and you interacting, Jason, at your premiere. Like, I wonder what I said to you at your premiere.

Um, I know what you said.

Like, I know I came up to you and— yeah, but like more, more than just—

all you said was good job, man. That was it. You didn't talk to me at all. And then I got my premiere, I got really high. It was the worst night ever.

At your premiere? Yeah. Why?

Like, deathly high. Was it at, uh, Ipic?

Ipic?

Yeah, I saw you. I didn't, I didn't know you really. I saw at the table, just like on like the table, like rolling around. Yeah, just like—

that's, that's crazy. That was all of our first time at Ipic, and it was your fucking premiere.

Wait, what?

That was my first time at Ipic was really his premiere.

I don't know, it was the worst.

I remember seeing— I was like, oh my God, what is this place?

Someone handed me a joint, someone I didn't know, and I smoked it the night of the premiere, and I literally had to go outside. I was like on the sidewalk outside. I told Natalie, this happens to me once a year. I smoke too much pot and I literally have to go to the hospital. I mean, I've never been to the hospital, right? But it's like that.

For people who don't know, you made a movie called Fabel.

Yeah.

Um, how much did it cost to make? Uh, $1.5 million.

That's a lot of money.

It's not though.

No, no, I'm saying like, where did you get that money from?

Just got it from an investor.

And what happened?

Was it easy to get an investor on board with your movie? Yeah, it was.

It was.

Why? What made it so— you just had so many actors attached to it, he was like, yeah, I can give you a million dollars. I, I—

the movie was sold somewhere else too, and then eventually took it away from them. And then, yeah, I don't know, they— I wrote the script and they liked it. It was a disaster though.

Okay, okay, okay. And how much did it make?

Nothing. Like, they've never made their money back, right?

So made under $1 million.

Yeah.

So, so you don't have to pay the investors back, right? They just— are they mad at you?

They shouldn't be because I feel like they could sell it somewhere. No matter what you think of the movie, I feel like they could sell it somewhere, but they just haven't, right?

And these guys, they know the risk when, like, these investors that put money into any movie in Hollywood, right? I feel like it's just— they know the risk. They're not gonna get a bunch of movies.

It wasn't just Yeah, okay. But the moment when you're at the premiere, yeah, everyone watches your movie. What do you— what goes through your head? Are you like, fuck, I don't think this is gonna sell, or oh my God, I was like, fuck, no one's laughing and I thought it was funny. Oh shit, it was bad.

I didn't even think about the fact that you're sitting there watching with everybody.

Like, yeah, I was like, wow, because I had brought people in to watch it and they were like, this is good, this is good. And they were like, laugh points. Like, I worked really hard on it. And then when I showed it to— there was like 2 screenings and I was only— I only could be in one room. That one room was like dead. It was like not—

I don't know, that'd be terrifying making a movie and just like sitting there watching everybody I know watch it, bro.

I was just, I was just thinking, it's like comedy movies, like you can easily tell when everybody's enjoying it. But we were all sitting here watching Eagle Eye yesterday, and I was thinking to myself, I was like, I wonder if I made Eagle Eye what I would think of everybody watching now. Because when you watch a movie that's like a thriller, you just sit there, you don't say a word, there's no emotion on your face, right? So like, I can't imagine like being a producer of a movie like that and then like sitting around everyone that's watching the movie and you're just like, uh, are they liking it? I won't know until this ends. Yeah, like that's crazy. Like Comedy, you can judge because there's laughter, but like, like you guys were just sitting around. I like literally felt the need to ask you guys, what do you guys think so far?

But then it—

and I feel like you can tell when everyone's just so focused on the movie, no one's looking at their phones, like everyone's just straight on watching. I feel like that's how you can tell because none of us said one word the entire time.

Right, right. We just—

we were staring right at the screen the entire like 3-hour movie, right?

It was tough because it was like they gave you the— they go, okay, we'll give you the money. And you go, okay, great. Oh my God, I'm going to get to make a movie.

How long did it take?

And you have to remember, like, I didn't have YouTube, I didn't have Vine. So this was it.

This is—

I mean, I did have Vine. No, Vine was over. Vine was like slowing down. So I was like, okay, this is it. This is all I have. I'll do the best I can. It took— so then they go, here's the money, and they go, okay, you have 2 weeks to shoot it. Oh shit, 2 weeks. So you're like, fuck, that's not enough time. And then you go and then you call like Rob Huebel, who's like big comedy— you call all the actors that were in the other thing. They're like, no, we're busy those 2 weeks. So then I made a huge mistake in being like, okay, I'm just gonna make it. And not being like, you know what, let's wait until I can get more of the actors of the caliber of people I had in the other movie. That was the mistake I made because they were like, we need to go now.

Instead you got David Dobrik and Alex Ernst and Liza Koshy.

Right, right. Which, not to say the three of you weren't great.

No, sure.

But like, I, it, I know I just made a huge mistake. I should have waited.

Out of the $1.5 million or whatever the investors gave you, how much of that did you cut to yourself? Like, what was your payout for working on it for like two months?

All I got was, uh, writer fee and actor fee, and that's it.

Okay, which is like how much?

$20K.

Wow. So, okay, so for that time you, you didn't get paid really anything?

No.

That's insane.

Then when it was done, I got more offers to like make things, but no one wanted to pay me. They just wanted to be like, yeah, go write this. Like, we have an idea. It's a, it's a buddy weed movie. Go write it and then you can direct it if the script's good. Because the movie business is just fucking really hard.

It's crazy.

So hard.

It's crazy that you work on something for so long. And then it's one night you figure out whether or not people like it. Yeah. And then it just goes fucking downhill. Yeah. And it's also crazy if you make the best movie, you ride that shit for the rest of your fucking life. Like, isn't that crazy? Like, you make the best movie forever, forever will be referenced forever. People will talk about it. People will show it to their kids. Like, that's crazy.

And then, and then you make it a 5-part series. You make it, you make 4 more movies after that.

It's high risk, high reward.

Do they, do people even like comedies your age anymore?

There's just none that's new.

I don't get it.

The last good comedy that like I think I saw was like This Is the End, or what was that?

Office Christmas Party.

Office Christmas Party was pretty good.

Yeah, I went to the— I went to that screening with you guys.

Yeah, that was—

it was— that was a funny movie. I was laughing throughout the movie. Like, I haven't laughed like—

the interview was really funny when you had it on.

Yeah, we just watched the interview. We're fucking dying. Um, no, but yeah, like this original Seth Rogen and like Jonah Hill movies, like James Franco. James Franco is so fucking funny. He's so funny.

He's good. He's just so likable. Any character he does is just—

then why don't— why don't they make comedy movies? There's got to be a million scripts.

It's because there's— there's no one funny. I feel like there's no one really funny like that anymore, right?

How could that be?

I don't know, Jason. I think it's— I think it's genuinely like— and this sounds crazy and so stupid and like juvenile, but like, I feel like comedy is just like so— it just moves so much quicker. Like, just jokes are just like— I don't know, like, like, like with TikTok, everything's so fucking quick that by the time you make a movie, everything is just like, we've seen this joke already, we've seen this type of humor. Yeah, like humor's so like trendy now. We haven't had like a really good like new writer or director come out like Jonah Hill or like Seth Rogen. Like we haven't had those guys. Like we haven't had young kids come up and like, and like write stuff about their lives that's more relatable to today's kids. Like we haven't had that kind of a movie in a while, though.

That all that was made possible by Judd Apatow too. He, he shepherded all those guys. And so that's what Seth Rogen should do. Seth Rogen should find the next wave and do them. Do you think people are gonna stop having sex? Like, do you think there'll be less babies in 9 months?

No, there'll be more.

No, they're on quarantine, the babies.

Yeah, but everyone that is quarantined together is just fucking, right? Like, they have nothing better.

Yeah, me and Natalie been going crazy. It's just us two in this fucking house.

David made me answer on the live— we did the live today on, on Instagram, and he made me answer. He was like, how long will it take for you to be in quarantine before you have sex with me?

No, I said hook up. And it was because someone else asked me. They were like, they're like, have you and Natalie had sex yet? I was like, no, we haven't. Like, they're like, how many months would it take for you to be in quarantine to have sex?

He said 2 years.

And I was like, 2 years.

2 years.

2 years. Mr. Hornbag over here.

Wait, hold on. You think—

oh, you think 2 years isn't a long time if you're stuck in quarantine with one other person?

Oh yeah, I think it would take me longer.

Yeah, you think it would take you 2 years?

I think it would take me longer than 2 years.

You find Natalie that disgusting that it'll take you 2 years to have sex with her?

So crazy.

I mean, it's Disgusting.

Good-looking, same-aged people. It's just, oh my God, alone, male and female, heterosexual.

I sound like I'm making this up completely. I sound like an 8th grade boy who's like saying he doesn't have a crush on Ellie, but like, I'm so not into Natalie that I cannot see a world at all where that's happening. Does that make sense? Yeah, and I got it. And but yeah, I would say, I, I'd say 2 years is like, 2 years is like, is like early. I mean, how long would it take you? You said 5 years, so don't even fucking look at me.

Well, yeah, because I was so insulted by your 2 years.

Oh, first of all, when I say 2 years, it doesn't that like, that I think you're very pretty. I think you're one of the prettiest people out there, but just completely not my type. Does that make sense?

How am I not your type?

We're best friends. No, you're like really cool, but like, but like just sexually, like, or like, you know, like—

You two are both fucking 11 years old.

Okay, okay, hold on, stop, stop, stop. How many months— how many years would you have to be in quarantine, or months, I don't know, to hook up with me? And, and forget what I said, pretend I haven't answered yet.

Well, first of all, well, okay, here's, here's where this is where I think it also differs a little bit.

Like, how, how long would you have to be be stuck in the same house with me?

Well, I would probably get really bored, like, really quick, as I have now, you know.

Also right now. No, no, no, I'm bored now. Please have sex with me. No, no, no. Okay, so how long if you and I were stuck in a house together? Okay, first of all, don't pull away on the most interesting thing you've said.

Less than a year, for sure. I think— I don't know, you're making me feel gross. I'm looking at you and I'm thinking about having sex with you.

Oh fuck, I spilled tea all over my crotch. Timeout. Less than a year?

I think so.

Really? Wow, that's crazy. What do you think about that, Jason? You think that's accurate?

Yeah, she sounds right on the money.

How long do you think it would take me to have sex with her? Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I guarantee you, if you're trapped with Natalie after 6 months and she made a move on you, you'd be like, okay. Oh man, I guarantee.

No, you got it so wrong. Actually, maybe you're right.

Why does that sound insane?

Because I feel like less than a year is kind of what we're gonna be in. Like, I feel like that's the situation where like we're gonna be quarantined for that long.

Oh shit, Todd, you better get over here, bro.

So you're saying— no, no, no, no, I just— I think that's really interesting.

We're talking about quarantine, like no other people, nothing.

No other people.

Yeah, like you and I are on a space station.

Yeah, on a space station. Yeah. Do astronauts have sex?

Oh yeah. You think? Oh, big time.

If I was an astronaut, I'd be nervous to have sex. Where do you have sex where there aren't cameras? I feel like the entire time they have sex— they don't have sex, right? I doubt it. It's like being at work. But sometimes they go like, if Natalie was an astronaut, obviously she couldn't be up there for longer than a year or else she'd start fucking the astronauts according to her theory. But some astronauts go— don't they go up there for like a couple months?

They poop in space.

Yeah, that's crazy to me too. How the fuck do they poop? Oh, it's a vacuum, right?

What do you mean it's a vacuum?

It's under them, is like a vacuum. So when the poop comes out, it sucks.

They put a— they put a vacuum hose up to their butt.

No, I think what they're pooping into is like a vacuum. I'm making this up. This is just— we should look this up. No, fuck it.

Okay. No, they poop in a vacuum.

I just— listen, if I was in space and I had to poop somewhere and they catch their cum in a cup— listen, the catching the cum in the cup was a little bit of a stretch, but I think they do poop in a vacuum.

Okay, like a hose?

Yeah, like kind of like a funnel. Because like something has to suck it in or also just float around and hit their butt as they like— it's floating in the toilet.

You don't think there's a toilet on the space station?

But, Jay, it's zero gravity. Wow. Look at this. I made this up. Astronauts can urinate into a long tube with a vacuum system sucking away the waste, or they can sit down on a special space toilet. Basically sucks in the waste.

Space toilet.

All right, guys. Well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Tune in next week to see if Natalie and I are any closer to hooking up because of this quarantine. We'll keep you guys updated. Oh, by the way, Tesla stock is at $361 right now. Really? It was at $950 3 weeks ago. Oh my God, it's at $361 now. Oh my God, that's insane. So if you guys gotta go buy stock, go buy some stuff.

Wash your hands, stay away from people, flat the curve.

We'll see you guys later. This is the Fuse Podcast. My name is Jeff.

Bye.