Police Apologized to Him

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and David are coming at it. Oh my God, Kevin Hart's on the show.

Kevin Hart is not on the show.

Khloe Kardashian's going to be here.

Not here either.

David's going to propose to Natalie, possibly all on today's Views.

Matt, are you down?

No.

Okay, roll the intro music. Guys, what's up? It's the Views podcast. You know us, um, from The Views podcast. I'm David, I'm 26.

I'm 26.

Jason's 46.

Jason.

Natalie's 16.

I'm Natalie, guys.

Hi, Natalie's here. Natalie's mom is here once again. She's drinking beer out of like a chalice. She took like a wine cup and she filled it up with Modelo.

We have silenced the gratitude alarms and commence the podcast.

Guys, Jason was fucking dead tired until Natalie's mom walked in.

He fucking—

his energy spiked.

I fucking love Natalie's mom. What can I say? Not in a romantic way. But I just love having somebody my age.

She walked in, she walked in and Jason goes, do you want to sit by me during this podcast?

No, I said, come sit by me so I have enough energy to get through this.

That's crazy.

She's a great woman.

What is it about Natalie's mom that makes you so excited?

She's just very— first of all, she's very pretty.

Oh, thank you.

And she's just like, you know what, honestly, I'm gonna be honest, she's kind of like glued into the real world where the rest of us aren't. She— listen, she's batshit crazy. Don't get me wrong.

Jason, where are you going with this?

I agree. But like, she recycles. She's like, she has her feet on planet Earth. It's a wacky earth that she's on, but I like that about her, that she's like, she's like, well, I got to go to Bed Bath and Beyond today, and then I got to return Natalie's thing.

You know what Natalie and I did the other day? We did a, we did a friendship test.

Okay.

For like a publication. And they made us hug for 60 seconds.

Oh, no.

That's fucking crazy. Like, straight long. It's a really long time.

The whole point is just to make you feel uncomfortable.

Listen, just do it. Just, guys, you two get married.

A lot of such bullshit.

Me and Adam sit around and pretend that you two aren't going to end up together.

Did I tell you? Natalie can't hug. Well, maybe it was because I was on the other end, but I remember like, I remember, you know, when you hug somebody, like you like fully embrace them.

Yeah.

I remember like sticking my butt out more just to make sure that like we weren't touching. Like we weren't touching.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Never hug Natalie.

Like I hugged Natalie and like I didn't want to, like I didn't want my bottom parts to be touching her. Okay. So I like stuck my butt out in hopes that it wouldn't be awkward. Did you stick your butt out too?

Yeah, we were both like, I had my arms forward wrapped around his his body kind of. And then the rest of my body was like—

it looked like there was a basketball in between us that we were like trying to hold there. And like, that's why we were kind of staying far apart. I don't know.

He made you go for 60 seconds.

It may go for a full 60 seconds. And we were like talking, and during it, just Natalie kept patting my back.

I never knew like what to do with my hands. Like, I kept like rubbing and patting his back.

Yeah, is that sexual tension?

Or Jason, what do you— what do you do when you can't last in bed? How do you— how do— how have you—

invite anyone over?

How have you apologized?

Oh, so sorry.

That was—

I'm so sorry.

Are you a guy that can last for a long time?

You're so hot. That's why it's a tribute to you and your hotness for the reason that this didn't go on for a long time.

Entirely her fault. No, I'm saying like you finish in 20 seconds, you're like, you fucking suck because you're sexy.

Yes, exactly.

How many times have you finished way too early and you've had to apologize?

Like 87% of the time.

Really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Natalie, have you ever been with a guy and he just can't last and you're just like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah.

Oh, wow. This is weird to say in front of your mom.

Whoa.

I just realized she was sitting here. Whoa.

I totally forgot she was here too.

Oh, fuck. That is kind of weird. Well, I guess to be fair, Natalie's mom, has there been a moment where you've been like, this isn't working for me? Like, you got to do your part in the bedroom?

I think the closest I could say would be a jackrabbit. You know, jackrabbit is.

Yeah.

And that's no fun.

This is so disgusting.

This is really awful.

This is fucking Okay, Marathon Man over there, why don't you talk about you?

No, no, I'm just saying it's gross to have her mother and her both talking about it. I regret even going into it.

Initiating the conversation.

You brought it up.

Yeah, I brought it up with Jason, then I felt bad that I didn't ask Natalie, and then I asked Natalie and it was so awkward. I was like, okay, maybe it's not awkward if I ask her mom. No, but okay, fair enough. That was really weird. What other things have you not told your mom that maybe you want to confront now? Now that we've talked about the weirdest thing.

How's it having your mom here?

I can't wait till your mom comes.

When my mom comes, she won't be on the podcast. She refuses to be.

We tried once to have her on and she didn't like it.

Yeah, she doesn't like being on.

Mom's chill when she's here. She's just kind of— she hangs out, she cooks, she comes and talks. Yeah, she's a good laugh.

She's pretty chill.

He was kind of— you were kind of stressing it today for like 5 seconds, and then I was like, your mom's great when she's here. And you were like, yeah, you know what, you're right.

Yeah, I was like, I was like, oh my God, my mom's coming. I was like getting real like stressed out about it. And Jason was literally like, why? Why are you stressed out? And I was like, I guess you're right. She literally just kind of sits and watches TV and makes food. Excited. Yeah, well, that's—

I love your mom too.

Nice to have somebody to keep these Vernon Hills ladies. Natalie's mom is going to have some friend here, which is going to be nice. Dude, Natalie and her mom get in a fight literally every fucking morning.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

So do you and Natalie.

Can I be honest?

Yes, we do.

I think Natalie's the problem.

I agree.

I agree.

You guys came back from New York. I was in the best mood ever. So I had music playing. I was like, And now he texts me and she's like, David's in a mood.

I was not in the mood.

Stay clear.

I'm like, oh, fuck. So I literally, like, run out of the room.

When was I in a mood?

On the way from the airport.

That wasn't supposed to be said. You weren't supposed to tell people when I text you things.

I was not in a mood on the way from the airport.

Well, I think I misread the situation that I realized after.

Why? What did I say that made me seem like I was in the mood?

Die, bitch.

Like, really close to that.

Go fuck yourself.

It was pretty close.

Wait, what happened?

I don't think— I think maybe you had, like— I think you were, like, saying it to the road.

But I thought you were saying I had road rage and you thought it was—

I thought you were yelling at me in the car. That's why I was like, silent. And I was like, oh, fucking shit.

Okay.

Oh yeah. I don't remember.

I was on the call. I was on the call taking it. I miss— I said something out of place or whatever on the phone call and you like, oh yeah, yeah, I got that. You got annoyed. And then like 5 seconds later, I don't know if it was about me, but you were like, son of a fucking bitch.

Oh, that wasn't about you.

I thought it was about me.

That's so funny because I said it when I said son of a fucking bitch. I'm like, oh shit, I feel like Natalie thinks that's about her. And then I just kept driving.

You need to communicate better.

That's so funny. So then that prompted you to text your mom?

Yes.

Wow. But I want to get back to this. I want to get back to, do you think Natalie's the root of the problems? Here, let me say, okay, I think Natalie's the root of all, like, arguments in this household for this reason. For this reason, because, wow, I'm closer to Natalie than I am to you, Jen, right? Like 100%. Sure, of course, because she's my friend.

Yeah.

And the very fact that I think that I'm— the very fact that I'm agreeing with you and going, you know what, Jen, I don't think you're the problem, I think Natalie Because obviously I think that speaks for something.

Oh, how manipulative you are. That's what it speaks for.

No, it doesn't.

Natalie is the problem in this house.

Are you fucking— I think so too, because I have never seen Jen and Natalie— Jen and Natalie 3 times in the day are fucking at each other's throats, and then they— and then they all of a sudden they're good, they're fine because they fucking went out to lunch. And then when they— and then when they come back and one of the shelves is broken and Natalie's clothes are in the wrong spot, fucking back at it again. And they're so nasty to each other too. Like, Natalie will be like, why don't you hear us?

Can you hear us? Because today I literally— we were arguing and I was like, look, I will be more than happy to have this argument with you, but let's take it outside.

Yeah, it's fucking bizarre. Yeah, I know, you guys go at it like it's like serious. Like if I was listening in and I didn't know you guys, I'd be like, oh man, they're never gonna talk after this.

For sure.

That's what it sounds like.

I was like, do you seriously want to yell at me right now? And she's like, oh yeah, we're about to fucking go there. And then we just start going at it. I just want to say that just because I bring light to certain situations and they might start arguments doesn't mean that I am the person that is instigating an argument.

No, I think you're the instigator.

100% not.

I think you're the instigator. Jade, do we ever get into arguments, me and you?

No, we just do everything you say.

Exactly.

No, that's not it.

That's it.

Say it's not it.

In fairness, like, when you are able to argue with someone, it's because you do trust them enough to, like, to speak your truth.

Because I care so much about the both of you. You guys are so important to me in my life.

Fuck you. Now Jason, we don't want to be friends with you anymore.

Okay, that's fine. Don't stay in the car.

Natalie and I are starting our own podcast with Natalie's mom.

Okay, called— called Jen. This is true. What's it called?

Yeah, what's it called?

This is Fucked, or, or Sinking Ship.

It's a pretty good title.

If you two— if Natalie and Natalie's mom had a podcast, Jason, what would it be called?

The Morning Argument.

I Lost the Keys to the RV.

That's the title.

Yeah.

2 girls, 1 headache. That's pretty good.

Yeah.

Do you guys get headaches a lot from just yelling at each other?

I don't know why you think like it lasts for like 5 minutes and it's over.

Oh, really? Because when I'm in here in the other room, it fucking feels like it's lasting an hour.

Oh my God. Don't be dramatic.

You got into the car yesterday in New York. Natalie and I were sitting in the car. We were like, hi, good morning, Natalie. Morning. Hi, Jason. You got in the car, you two started fighting in 3 seconds. Immediately when you got in the car.

She fucking hates when I voice my opinion. I go, I don't like this hotel. She goes, oh, you don't like this hotel?

You're on crack. Why? The nicest hotel you could stay at. Okay, you'll find something wrong with every single hotel we stay at. And this kid goes to New York City, Jen, and he goes, there's nothing to do here. New York City, it's the fucking greatest city in the world.

Oh no, I hate that. Every time we go to New York, everyone's like, Mike, what do we do here? They're like, Dude, what do you— you could do anything here. And we were fucking— last night we were driving around, we went to 8 different bars. They're all fucking empty. New York, there's so much going on that there's like nothing going on. It's like, it's like literally it's my least favorite thing when I get to New York and they're like, there's so much going on, you're gonna have such a blast, and then we have nothing to do ever.

Well, because I think it's like something that's out of your comfort zone. You don't know how to like interact in New York. You don't know what's happening, where to be, blah blah.

Yeah, but I'm with New Yorkers and they're bringing me around and they're just like, oh well, I guess tonight's dead. It's like every time I go to New York, somebody lies to me and goes, tonight's the night.

Yeah, but just because you're with a New Yorker doesn't mean they know.

Like, they don't go out and party and do stuff that you do.

And then he doesn't like the hotel, which is beautiful.

It was beautiful.

So like the lobby— and sometimes in New York, the lobby will be on the 24th floor of 60 stories, right? So he doesn't like the fact that you have to go through 2 elevators. So he declares that the hotel is no good.

I am a hotel kind of, kind of soup. Yes, I'm a hotel can of soup. So listen to me, here's the thing. Just listen, I'll go as far as to taste the apples in the hallway, just take one bite just to see if the apples are fresh. I love a good hotel. I love like a good home to eat the apples.

I think they're just there for—

No, you are supposed to eat them. I love a good home and I love a good hotel, and I'm like, I pride myself in knowing what a good hotel is, and the flow in this hotel just wasn't having it. There was two elevators that took you to the 24th floor just to enter another set of elevators to get you to your room. And one of the elevators was broken. So we waited for like 7, 8 minutes at a very expensive hotel, like at a very— where you're paying top dollar, you'd want it to be a little bit nicer. That's just what I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. If I was to run a hotel, it'd be pish-posh. It'd be fucking incredible. It's pish-posh. A good thing or bad thing?

You're making up words, but it's pish-posh. Good. I don't know the word pish-posh, but I'll go with it.

You've never heard about it?

Listen, I'm a can of soup of all kinds of fancy words.

No, I was thinking about this the other day. How do people make words? Like, on the— is that like a thing?

I do, like, all the time.

No, like, every day you would make words. Or are they like done? Like, have they— like, have they already closed off the word making?

No, they come up with new words all the time. They add new words in the kitchen. Like, okay, boomer.

Selfie wasn't a word.

Oh yeah, selfie. Okay, of course.

Yeah, it's really funny. We were in the car the other day, we're going on a long ride to David's gig, hour and a half, right? And I'm being quiet, whatever. Not bothering anybody. I pull up, I pull up a thing on my phone. It's a script. And then David goes, he goes, oh, are you auditioning for something like that? And then the minute I start to say what it is, he's just like, fuck off, shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear like you're sorry. You're— you ask as it comes after it comes out of your mouth, you're like, what are you doing? Oh, fuck, I don't— I don't care.

No, because I asked, I was like, no, because I was like, are you auditioning for something? And then you go, well, no, actually. And then you went into this like long thing.

It wasn't even— I stopped myself because I knew you didn't want to hear about it.

No, but my favorite part about us being in the car yesterday was yesterday, Jason was going to go Google something. And as he pulled up—

not you, Jen.

So I'm going to say, oh my God, as he pulled out his Google—

I want to hear—

as he pulled out his Google, it was me and Natalie in the car right by him. And porn.

Oh no.

And now he goes, yeah, it's fucking just embarrassing.

I was watching stuck porn because I was researching it.

Oh, you weren't. That was not stuck.

That was not porn.

You don't know what stuck porn is.

I don't watch porn.

First of all, what do you mean you don't watch porn? You've never watched porn?

What do you think?

I mean, I know what it is. I've seen it, but I don't watch it.

Okay.

She doesn't know it. Like, watch it enough.

Here's round 2 of awkward questions. Natalie, do you watch porn?

What?

Do you watch porn? That was busted.

That didn't sound like an awkward question.

All you had to say was no.

Natalie, that sounded like a yes. Dude, she fucking froze. And just went, what? Okay, so you watch porn.

How dare you say you from my porn when clearly you watch porn too, Natalie.

It's different when you're watching porn, man. It fucking creeps me out. Yeah, it's more scary porn. You don't know stuck porn?

Stuck?

Okay, so stuck porn, it's actually really popular. Okay, so it's basically a girl will be cleaning like the dishwasher, right? Are you following along?

I am.

I am.

Okay. And as she's cleaning, her hand gets stuck in the dishwasher.

What?

Or the dryer, or her whole body will get stuck in the dryer. That's sexy.

Well, not yet. And then the guy comes over and he goes, hey, let me help you.

You need help with that, ma'am?

Exactly. Kind of like that, except less weird. And then he, like, starts helping, poking around, and then all of a sudden they're having sex.

This is just weird.

Yeah, it is weird. But this is what— this is what your daughter's watching constantly. No, it's not what we just found out. Natalie, what genre of porn do you watch?

We are not deep diving into Natalie.

Why? Who cares what genre?

What genre of porn do you watch?

What genre of porn do I watch? My— I'll tell you. You want me to tell you?

I honestly don't care what kind of porn you watch.

Your mom wants to know.

No, she's just trying to turn the cards on you because you're making me feel uncomfortable.

No, tell me which one you do.

And I can't turn it on you because that would be really fucking weird.

No, it won't. Oh, David, what kind of porn?

Don't let him have that power over you, Jen.

No, go.

This has no power over me.

Exactly.

You know, the other night I made David get me a bottle of water.

Okay, we don't have to get into this. Okay, listen, guys.

Hey, listen, get the water.

Can we get back to the porn? Because this is actually interesting. What kind of porn do you watch? Oh, no, you just don't know. You just fucking— you're blind. What do you mean you don't know? Why is this a big deal?

I don't watch it.

Natalie's mom is going, say I don't watch it. I'm right fucking here.

You're acting like when you watch those those crime shows and they interrogate people and they're just answering really poorly.

Yeah. Why is that a big deal?

That Natalie loves CSI and she wanted to be a forensic Scientologist.

We should set up like a fake murder and have you solve it. Be fun.

Sure.

Or a real one. Yeah. When Jason takes—

when I— what, David? Go ahead, say it. I have two kids. You think this is funny? Joking about my death again?

No, I said when Jason takes us all out. Oh yeah, that's when Natalie will step in. Oh, yeah, fine. I'll say real estate porn.

Oh, wait, what the fuck is that?

Oh my God, there's so many different kinds of porn. I love real estate porn. Do you know real estate porn?

Sure. Property sex.

It's the best property sex. There's two different kinds of it. There's one where the guy will come in and be like, hey, where the fuck's the rent? And the girl will be like, I don't have the rent. That one I don't like that much. My favorite is when the girl is showing the house or the guy showing the house and it's like, would you like this? This is a nice kitchen countertop. And then, and then all of a sudden they're testing out the kitchen countertop by sitting on it, which doesn't make much sense. That those—

So that's what you're thinking about when we're going out to see all these homes.

That's why I love going to— that's why I go to open houses.

You're literally disgusting.

I'm fucking kidding, Natalie.

It's a rich guy fantasy.

No, it's not.

Well, it sounds like it is.

Oh, because it could be an apartment, a condo. I don't care where they're shopping.

Yeah, but it's like it's the idea that the female real estate agent will have sex with the guy with a lot of money. Oh no, if he buys the property.

Oh no, it's not even— it's not even a female real estate. It's a male, it's female, it doesn't matter.

Back and forth.

Sometimes it's the person buying, sometimes the person selling. I just think it's a great storyline.

Business.

Yeah.

Hey, Wyatt got grounded.

It's a weird transition. Weird transition. But I'll take it. What happened?

Well, he stayed up too late working on a project and Marnie grounded him. Isn't that crazy?

Like a school project?

Yeah.

I'm confused. What is the problem in doing a project for two?

I guess he was supposed to have it done like a month ago. He just was like up too late doing it, and he'd been doing it a lot.

Yeah, but did he finish the assignment?

Yeah, he finished it. And, uh, so then they took his phone away. And so now when he calls me, he's like, uh, I'm not allowed to talk on my phone, but I just wanted to say hello. Okay, I'm gonna get off before I get in trouble. It's like really sweet.

What do you think your son's gonna be like when he's older?

I don't know, he'll probably be a very quiet citizen, I think.

A quiet citizen? Yeah.

A good citizen, a good person.

I think he has a kind soul.

He'll definitely be a good person.

Yeah. Well, you'll get to know him, Jen. We all move in together.

Is there a world where you'd ever see yourself with Jason?

Next. Burn, burn.

Damn.

I don't know if I can keep doing the podcast, guys.

It's all chill.

I have a funny story.

That one hurt.

Hit it.

Oh, this one's kind of about my mom. Oh, so kind of jumping back to the porn thing.

Oh, geez.

I knew Natalie couldn't let it go. She was pretending like she didn't want to talk about it, but fucking— we talked about your son for 2 minutes and all of a sudden She has to talk about fucking porn.

Really? Really? You had to fucking bring porn back in?

I'm sorry, this is just really funny. And I actually, like, I completely forgot about the story until right now.

God.

But like, the first porn I ever really watched— um, okay, so I was going through our garage in Vernon Hills.

Oh boy.

And, and we had like a bunch of shit. It was like a storage unit, not really a garage, right?

Oh.

And so I was going through— I don't know what I was looking for, but I went through like the DVDs. Maybe I was like trying to find a movie or something.

I know where this is going.

And, and she had a DVD and it was like Snoop Dogg's Double Doggy Down Party.

So, and you sit here and cast judgment at me, Jen? How dare you?

Oh my God.

Yeah.

I was like, whoa, she fucking— what's stuck porn? As she's fucking going back into Nally's room and watching Snoop Dogg bent over.

Hold up, wait a minute. The truth is I actually stole that DVD from my brother.

This is all sorts of wrong.

Okay, wait, wait, delete that.

Okay, this is not making any sense.

It doesn't make any fucking sense. I agree with you.

Okay, you stole from your brother.

I stole from my brother for some dumb— well, I mean, I don't know why. But because I don't watch porn and I saw it and I was like, hmm. And I did watch it a little bit, I admit. Yeah, it was pretty, you know, fucking hypocrite. And it was in the garage because I kept saying I was going to like get rid of it. Get rid of it.

But Snoop in the porn?

Yeah, he's in it. It's like a music video.

Does he have sex with them? No, no.

He's just like smoking blunts and rapping.

Wait, so he's smoking a blunt. While the other people are having sex.

Yeah, it's like, it's like a music video, but everyone's just kind of like fucking—

I'll bring it the next time I come to California.

We're good.

I think Snoop can do whatever he wants.

You can do whatever he wants. It's fucking ridiculous. Okay, Nat, say the rest of the story.

No, but I just— I didn't know what the DVD was because it doesn't have like full nudity on like the COVID So I just like popped it into my little like DVD player in my room.

Oh boy.

And I remember just being like, oh my God, just mortified. Like, I didn't really know. I didn't like understand what I was watching. And oh shit, I was so embarrassed. And I was like, I was home alone, obviously. And I was so embarrassed, so I just ripped— I like put it back and I like tried to put it back in the garage in the same spot. And I don't think you ever knew that. I like saw it.

First time I ever saw porn was my— I think we had like a laptop that our family used, and it was in my room, and my mom opened it and it was fucking open on Pornhub. And I was sitting on my bed and she was in my room, and it was just Pornhub. And I remember my mom turning around just smiling, and I was like, ah, it— that's not— and I— it genuinely wasn't me. I don't know.

You don't have to lie to us.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I swear it was— it wasn't me. I don't know if it was like one of my friends fucking with me or if it was— I don't know. I don't know who it was anyway. So, and I was like, it's not me. And she's looking at me smiling and I'm like, I was so fucking embarrassed. Oh yeah, so embarrassed. And that was—

well, that's because you didn't date girls. And so your mom's like, oh, David does like girls.

Oh, you think that's where she found out that I like girls?

She's smiling.

I didn't tell you what kind of porn it was. That's true. Jason, if you could be any animal— yeah, any animal you want. Yeah, except a walrus, because I know how much you love those. Okay, what would you be?

Can't be a walrus.

No.

Oh man, why can't he be a walrus?

Because I know— because that's— I know that's what he would choose.

I mean, it'd probably be like a shark.

Really?

Yeah.

You possess shark-like qualities?

No, I don't, but that's why I want to be a shark.

Okay, how about this? If I was an animal, what would you say I'd be, like, as the type of person I am right now today?

Squirrel.

A squirrel. What the fuck does that— a ferret? You're like, I'd be a ferret.

Ferret-ish. Really? Squirrel-like.

You know, you'd be— you'd be a raccoon digging through the trash. That's what you would be.

I would probably be a raccoon digging through trash. But no, you really want to know what I'd be?

What?

A bird.

A bird.

So like, are we talking about like what we want to aspire to? Like, like Jason wants to aspire to be a shark.

Someone's obviously put a lot of thought into this.

Of course. You don't have— you don't know about animal spirits?

Okay. Sorry.

Natalie's going to try to— Natalie just sat down with a giant plate of food.

Pun intended.

What animal would I be?

A golden retriever.

Oh, thank you. You love golden retrievers.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's crazy.

No, he's a squirrel. He's like, kind of like a cute dog.

Sorry.

That's fucking fucked up.

You're a squirrel. You're like a doggy.

You have really dog tendencies.

Yeah, like what? Like, like I drool.

Like you eat like an animal. You sleep a lot.

I do.

You need to— you need attention constantly.

I am kind of like a puppy.

She said a dog.

Yeah, I made it even better. If Natalie was an animal, what would we say she'd be? The animal that pops into my mind when I look at Natalie is a baboon.

Shut up.

I don't know. I don't know why.

There's something wrong with you.

You're just very baboon-like.

She's got a big ass.

Oh my God. That's what it is. Natalie's ass. Makes her a baboon. I don't know. I get baboon vibes for sure.

Are you just trying to be rude?

Like, or like a stingray? A stingray?

How does that make any sense?

Jay, you for sure are like a gentle rhinoceros.

Oh, well, thanks.

Is there such a thing as a gentle rhinoceros?

They're not just an interesting animal.

They're so interesting because they're literally dinosaurs.

Yeah, right.

They're dinosaurs.

Bro, I need a vacation. I'm not kidding. I'm going away next week.

What are you saying?

I'm going.

Where are you?

I gotta go. I gotta go. I gotta get out of here.

Where are you gonna go?

I don't know.

How are you not gonna drive up to the— this is your vacation.

This is not my vacation, bro.

Bro, you live in fucking Los Angeles. How is that not like the craziest thing to you? There's palm trees when you fucking drive to grocery stores.

Tell David my area because I am trying to figure out how— I'm staring at these mountains all around And I'm like, how do I get to them?

Just drive.

You can literally just go.

I see them.

We are living on one of them right now. You are standing on one of them right now.

But do you know the difference between a vacation and our work?

Yes, our work.

No. Do you know the difference between work and our work? Do you know the difference between that? Yeah, because our work is very much different than regular people's work, you son of a bitch. No. Yes.

There's 3 things we're talking about. We're talking about work, our work, and a vacation. Those are 3 different things. Now, just because our work is fun doesn't mean that we don't deserve vacations. Natalie went on a 4-week vacation this December, remember?

Natalie also has 14 meals a day. We can't live by her standards. She's a very different human. Okay, so, so I don't care how long she's on vacation for. It's not normal.

Wait, really?

No, no, I do care.

Hey, Natalie, where are we going next week?

I think my mom and I are gonna go take some time off.

I think you guys have had Enough time for ourselves.

Vacation?

No, no, you don't.

I'm almost on a 3-week vacation in this house.

I'll take you guys. Let's go.

Jay, why do you think you need a vacation? Explain that to me. Explain.

I'm just really run down.

From what?

Just traveling and doing—

from living the fucking coolest life ever. What car do you drive, Jay?

Fuck, I should have never accepted that car from you. I knew it.

How he gets you.

I knew it.

I knew when he said—

when you left the car with me, I got in it by myself. And I was like, fuck, I was like, by accepting this car, he has fucked over me.

I have never held that against you.

You've never— no, you haven't. But there are days when you'll call and I'll be like, fuck, I don't want to go over there. And then I'll just look at my Tesla and I'll be like, all right, here I go.

The Tesla just opens its door automatically. It's like, get in, Jason, get in, you owe him. No, but I'm, I'm not saying because I got you the car, I'm saying because how How fucking cool is all of this? And I understand you need a vacation, but you're also being very dramatic about it.

No, because I think a vacation is good because it helps you creatively to just wipe it out, be like, okay, I'm on the beach, I'm sitting there, and then new ideas come to you. Like, it's literally the way you should go. Ask Casey Neistat.

You could be right, you could be right, but I'm not sure.

No, I know I'm 100% right. Ask any successful person, any successful person.

David, you sometimes need a vacation yourself.

Yeah, listen, all I've learned from letting up on the gas it fucking fucks with you. When I went from 3 to 2 a week, it fucking sucked. It was great, and I felt like I was a fucking new man, but it sucks. And you don't bounce back stronger. You don't bounce back stronger. You're never at the same speed you were at before.

You know what, I, I actually believe what you're saying is true for you, but it's not true for the rest of us.

But that's also— you're just taking that way out of context. You could still be posting 3 videos a week, and you could have taken a week.

Natalie, you're saying I can, but I can't, and I know me.

There's a difference between taking like a break and taking some time off, like to refresh. You can take 24 hours to, you know, not talk to people, disconnect from your phone, the world, whatever you have to do to feel like you are refreshed. And then you just get right back into it and you feel great.

I understand, but he wants to go on like a week vacation.

No, not a week, just like 3, 4 days. That's like—

where would you go if you were going on vacation?

Go Hawaii.

Hawaii. Maui. Sure, you love Maui. Yeah, or I'll find you.

Yeah, I know, I'll turn my Snapchat off.

I'll find you. No, I mean, okay, if that's what you want to go do, then go do it. But watch out, just know, just know, come back.

If there's no content in my camera, I will have to put some in there by shooting you in the back of the head while you're scuba diving.

That'd be cool if I got some underwater paintballs. Oh, that would And I'm disguised as a shark. Fucking— a shark looks like it's about to bite you, but it's just my hand with a paintball gun coming out of its mouth. No. Yeah, I understand the importance of vacations, but I also do think that, like, it's pretty chill here. Just kind of relax here. Look how soft this couch is. We're technically on vacation right now. This moment. This is vacation. How about this? Next 30 minutes, you're on vacation.

Okay, great. I'll take it.

Yeah.

What kind of drunk are you? Are you like a good drunk or a bad drunk?

Bad.

Oh, really?

No, I'm not.

Just kidding. She just—

I love everyone when I'm drunk.

No, she is great. She is great drunk. Did I tell you what happened? I think I told you. I was— I was at fucking Saddle Ranch the other day. No, you didn't do anything, but it was the funniest thing ever. She walked up to— she walked— I didn't see that she was there at the bar. It was just me and our friends. And Jeff comes up to me and goes, yo, David, this woman's trying to sell me crack. And I look over and it's fucking Jen. And I'm like, fuck. That was one of my favorite moments of going out. No, she's really funny and she's always laughing. And the best part is, is like, is like sometimes I'll leave the bar to get like fresh air because it's just like so crowded and I'll see her like across the street smoking a cigarette. She's like, she's like always like in the vicinity, like people making friends. Yeah, yeah. She's like always in the vicinity. Like, just like she'll talk up a fucking squirrel that she'll see, like, on the street.

Okay. I really like that about her.

Yeah, I love that.

I'm not sitting across the street talking to squirrels.

No, you're good.

I'm talking to people.

That's what— that's what you and Natalie have in common, people, is you and Natalie are both— you guys both love chatting. You guys are Chatty Cathys.

Oh, I think Jen's way more chatty than Natalie.

She'll start talking to strangers. Jen will.

Oh, you're right. You're right.

See, you'd be a good—

everyone has a story if you take the time to listen.

Oh, fuck that.

If you turn into this, you're expecting people to listen to our story.

No, I know, I completely agree with what you're saying.

You'd be good in a relationship because you do all the heavy lifting.

You'd be the best. If I was dating you, yeah, be so great to take to a party. Yeah, because I wouldn't be— no, I know, no, no, no. Like, if I was to date a person like you, like, it'd be so nice because I wouldn't have to worry about you at a party at all. I'd be like, oh yeah, that's Jen, she's gonna go do her thing, I'm gonna go grab a drink here. And because you're really good at talking to people. Like, that's the worst when you're with somebody and they just— they're just really scared to talk to somebody.

Yeah, 100%.

You feel like you have to babysit and hold their hand.

Yeah.

When I was married, I was the outgoing one, so then I'd have to do all the work, like, oh, hi, who are you guys, blah blah blah. But I know if, if being with you, you'd do all that work.

So Cristiano Ronaldo just surpassed 200 million followers on Instagram.

Love that topic.

That's insane.

That is crazy.

This man is literally God.

Who has the most followers?

That's what you base your God on, is who has the most Instagram followers.

My God is well followed.

Well, then my God is Kylie Jenner. My God is Kylie Jenner because she also has a lot.

Hey, I respect your choice in God.

Who has the most Instagram followers?

Cristiano Ronaldo. He just had 201 million followers.

That's, that's the most?

Yeah.

And what's he do?

He's a soccer player.

Are you serious?

Are you being serious?

You don't know who he is?

No, I have no idea.

How do you not know who Cristiano Ronaldo is?

You don't know who Cristiano is, you dumb fucks? God damn it, you fell for it. Jesus Christ.

Jason doesn't know I don't know who anybody is.

The fuck? I don't know who anybody is. You're the one that has to ask me all the time. Yeah, yeah. You go on talk shows, you're like, oh, let me go with this person. Who's that? And I'm like, that's the— that's fucking the Pope. Leonardo DiCaprio, David, the biggest movie star in the world.

Never say that. Never.

Yeah. Hey, you know what, David?

What?

Your hair is on point today.

You're just saying.

How do you do it? Why don't you tell everybody what you were just yelling at me about? Being a good dad.

Once again, I was yelling at Jason because he always comes in here, he's super tired and beat from being a father, and then I hear him get off phone calls with his kids where just Currently, his ex-wife is getting a vampire facial, so they're bored at home. So Jason said, you want me to send the car? I'll bring the car over, and then maybe, maybe you guys can go do something. Like, when the kids call him and they say they're bored—

Sweetie, how are you? Hello, this is Charlie. Oh good, what is it?

Well, we thought we could like find some kind of recipe for something, and then we can make something here, like a sweet or like Oh, I love that idea, sweetie.

Okay, great. You're gonna go bake something?

Yeah.

Okay, I love you. All right, bye. There we go. That was my daughter Charlie. She's 11 years old. And, uh, you know, and I'm not tired from being a dad. I'm tired from working. We work hard. I was in makeup all day yesterday for 4 hours.

I get that. But exactly what I was just saying, like, like, they'll call him and they'll be like, Daddy, we're bored, what do we do? And like, they'll put all the pressure on Jason, and Jason will fucking literally freak out, and he'll go, okay, so I can get there. I can, I can stop what I'm doing right now and Maybe if I get watermelon, we can carve watermelon. Or maybe I can take you guys to Disneyland again. I know we went 2 days ago, but I feel like you guys deserve it again. Like when I was growing up, like, Nat, is that not crazy? Or is that—

No, it's so crazy. When I was— I mean, first of all, I had a single mother, so it's very different. And I just had to figure it out. Like I was just home alone all the time and I had to go.

I never ever, ever in my life went up to my parents and said I'm bored.

Yeah, never.

Literally, I don't think I did that once. What if you did? I don't think I ever went up to my parents and went, I'm bored. They would be like, what the fuck? Get the fuck out of my face. What are you saying? They literally have been so confused. They're like, what are you— why are you telling me this? I'm not your friend.

You guys grew up in a town where you can like go down and get on your bike and like ride around. You can't do that in LA. You can't just walk out the door. You'll get abducted.

I don't know, man.

It's true, man.

No, but come on.

No, you come on. You don't understand. You're a 20-year-old kid.

Maybe I don't.

Who has never had a real job.

I have had a real job.

Motherfucker. No, you talk about working at this fucking old folks home. Typical. I never worked.

I was a tennis coach and I worked at a retirement home.

Tennis coach?

Oh my God. Yes.

That means you were really good at tennis. They're like, yeah, David can teach some tennis.

Yeah, that was my summer job, is I was a tennis coach.

Oh shit. How much you make an hour?

I made $8.50.

$8.50 an hour? And how many hours a day? Um, 2?

Yeah, 6.

No way.

Yeah, so it was 3 different kids, 3 different sessions.

Who hired you?

My, my tennis coach.

I don't believe you. Why?

Why don't you believe this?

You've never brought this up before.

But this has nothing to do with me having a job or not. This just the fact that like you got to let your kids kind of fend for themselves.

I can't wait till you have kids.

They need to have a sense of—

Spoiled yours will be. Completely.

No, they won't be.

Yeah, they will.

If they ever fucking come up to me and they go, I'm bored, I'm going to go, what the fuck you mean you're bored?

They might be spoiled in the sense of they have a lot of resources, but they'll be able to fend for themselves. They'll have a sense of independence.

Yeah. Well, she just figured that out. She's going to do some cooking today.

I can't believe she called you back and was like, Daddy, don't worry. Stop thinking. I found out what we're going to do. Like, just to like take the load off your back.

I think I figured it out, Dad.

I think today's going to be just okay, Dad. I think I'm gonna make it by. I'm going to bake some goods. All I'm gonna need is $1,000. I'm gonna need a limo all the way down to the mall and buy the most expensive ingredients. You'd do that for me, right, Pops?

Yeah, I would. I'd do anything for my kids.

Hey guys, so we have Ilya here. Actually, Ilya, you were telling me, first of all, you get pulled over a lot. Yeah, like more than anybody.

Yeah, a lot.

How many times have you been pulled over?

Yeah, I don't count it, but probably like 15 times.

Really?

Yeah, I get pulled over like every other week.

That's crazy.

Say 50 or 15?

15. I mean, that's a lot.

15, a lot for a young man. Sure.

I've only been pulled over like twice.

I've gotten one ticket.

That's ridiculous.

From the same cop that pulled me over, give me a warning the first time.

And why did they pull you over? Speeding. Speeding? But is it because they like your car? What is it?

I think it's a combination of the car and the personality.

Because you like your personality. So what happened this time?

No, I don't really like your personality. You were doing 160.

So anyways, I was on the way to the airport to LA and I was super fucking late. I had like an hour before my flight. And so obviously I was speeding down the highway.

Sure.

And I see this, this car, it said Crime Scene Investigation on the back of it. I was by— so I got behind him. Okay, I'm like, okay, cool. So like, doesn't seem that like—

can't be a cop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's busy doing crime scene stuff, right?

So I'm like, he's not gonna pull me over.

Sure.

I switched lanes and I kind of speed past him and, you know, I'm driving like like a fucking idiot. I'm going probably like 120, 130.

Oh my God.

Jesus.

Because I'm on the way to the airport like super late. Like genuinely.

Why don't you just leave earlier?

Good question. I don't know.

That's crazy. 120 is not okay.

Yeah, it's okay.

No, it's not.

I had a really—

oh, I had a loaner from the dealer.

It wasn't even my car.

It's not okay. You're gonna get hurt.

I won't get hurt.

I don't drive. Don't look at me like I drive fast. I do not drive.

I'm like you, Dave.

No, not like Jeff and Ilya all drive recklessly.

No, no, no, no. Jeff and Ilya are in their own category.

David's a little better than the both of them. No, I don't ever drive over 100. I'm always stopping myself at 98.

Okay, okay, but I only had one more person in the car with me.

Yeah, okay. So David's squeezing between two cars like fucking watermelon. You remember that, Natalie?

There was a car when we were driving last night, and it was— it was— it looked like it was going to merge out of the lane, but then they last minute made a decision to come back into the lane, and David tried to speed ahead. So as it's coming back into the lane, we're speeding through, and I kid you not, there was an inch on either side and we just slid. Thank God your fucking brain kicked in and you were like, gun it. And I like saw, and he was just like, okay, well, hold on, pedal to the metal.

Great driver. Like, that's one of the reasons that we could do this type of shit, right?

No, no, no, no, no. You sound like the dumbest 15-year-old ever.

No, you're a good—

tell me you're not a good driver.

I'm a good driver, but there's no excuse to be reckless. I literally sound like a good driver.

Follows the speed limit.

I sound like a good driver.

We had this conversation back in Vernon Hills where like, if you're going fast, you're hyper-focused on not crashing.

Okay, I also— there's a part of me that agrees with— with— I have gotten into accidents, but it's only when I've been in parking lots.

That's what I'm saying.

Every time I'm going slow, I fucking hit something. I also always say, you don't know how many accidents you avoid by going faster. But I don't agree with going that fast. That's—

I don't always— I do it, dude.

Going like 70 80, whatever, in a 60.

You don't go 70 in a 60.

You're lying to my face.

Okay, I go like 80.

80.

Why the fuck you lying?

60 is a highway. You're not going 80 on the highway.

Yeah, my fucking ass. How fast am I going on the highway? No, Natalie's with me the most. How fast am I going?

Like 95.

No, I'm fucking— Yes, no, I'm not. Yes, no, I'm not.

I'm just kidding.

No, like 85. No, 85. Genuinely 85.

You don't even realize how fast you're going because you're just used to it.

It just is dangerous. Yeah, because I know how we think. We think that nothing can happen to us.

I think everything can happen. I just think you have to be smart enough to not get into an accident when you're going 120.

Yeah, but you're endangering other people. That's the problem.

Am I?

Yeah.

What if I was going 70? I'd probably be more dangerous. Gotta just be fucking pissed off, not paying attention.

No, because what you're gonna do is you're gonna hit the fucking side railing of the highway and you're gonna fly and you're gonna, you know, hit 3 cars. It's not the fast drivers, it's the other drivers that make silly mistakes and don't see these cars coming, which do cause accidents.

I think that nobody can see me on the road, like literally. I'm driving, I'm like, I'm invisible. I look at the tire of the fucking car that's merging. I don't even look at his blinker. I look at the tire to see if he's merging lanes.

Sure, I— anyway, you got— okay, CSI agent, what happened?

So I kind of speed past him, not thinking of anything. I'm driving like 120, 130. This is like 5 minutes after I see the cop, or potentially a cop. And I see sirens behind me. I'm like, where the fuck did he come from? Like, I usually look, like, look out for cops. I'm like, there's no way that that dude 3, 4 miles back pulled me over. There's no way, because I was going— he had to have been, like, following me.

Sure.

You know what I mean? So I get pulled over. Guy is so fucking mad.

Huh?

He's so, so mad, dude. He's fucking furious. Yeah, he's so mad he doesn't even come to my side the car. He comes to the other side of the car, so I have to like roll my right window down. He's like, do you know how fucking fast you were going? Like all pissed, like screaming at me, screaming at me. He's like, where are you going? Like, why are you doing this? I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm just like super late for the airport. Like, I have a flight to catch. I'm like, I was like, just like, I'm being a pussy. I'm like, I'm so sorry. Like, my fault, I fucked up, my bad. So he's like, okay, stay here. Dude, deadass, I thought he was gonna come back and fucking arrest me. Like drag me out of the car and arrest me.

Well, isn't that like a warrant for an arrest when you're going that— if you're going 120?

He didn't, he didn't like catch me He didn't clock him. So he didn't clock.

But yeah, when you go over 100, you can get arrested.

Yeah. Yeah.

He's like, you almost ran me off the road, like all this shit. So I thought he's going to come back and literally put me in handcuffs. I'm like, I'm going to jail. Like, I already had that in my mind. And he comes back. He's like, dude, I'm sorry. I came off way too strong.

Oh my God.

Out of here.

Get the fuck out of here.

He's like, dude, don't be doing that. Don't be stupid. He's like, have a good day, man.

Are you— that was it.

I'm like, dude, I just got pulled over by the fucking FBI. He just says, fucking don't drive like that. Like, what?

Are you fucking serious?

I'm totally serious, dude. My friend in the car like freaked out at me because like the week before that he got like 3 fucking tickets in my car while I was not with him. He's like, dude, what the fuck?

He probably didn't want to go through the paperwork because his job is to like find dead bodies.

I agree, I agree. Yeah, it's probably a fuckload of paperwork.

Yeah. And he was like, well, fuck it, I can't really do anything about it.

And he wasn't like— he wasn't like—

what cop pulls somebody over and then comes comes back and apologizes. I know. I'm sorry I wasted your time, man. I know you got to get to the airport. That's fucking crazy.

Yes, and that shit happens all the time, dude. Okay, you just have to be super like— like, you have to be like a wimp almost. Like, I'm sorry. Like, own up to it. Be like, I'm sorry, I fucked up. Like, it was me, it was my bad, I fucked up.

I've done that. I've been pulled over 3 times and I've been so apologetic. I've cried.

Crying won't do it. Crying won't do it. I've tried.

All right guys, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Illy has a podcast, go check it out. What is it called?

Take Notes.

Who cares? It's called Take Notes. Go check it out. It's so great. Ilya and his coworker said that.

Oh, yeah. Is it great? Have you listened to it?

No.

Tell us about it.

It's so great.

It's so good. So him and—

What's my co-host's name?

Yeah.

Eric.

Wrong.

Whoa!

What the fuck?

That's crazy.

They're both wrong.

We're both wrong, right? But we both said Eric. That's fucking great.

It's Aaron.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, is it really?

Aaron?

Aaron.

Wow, we were close.

Yeah.

Wait, we were kind of imagining that.

We both definitely never watched it. How are we so close? All right, guys. Well, thank you guys for listening.

What's my name?

Red. This has been a great podcast. I don't even know. Who knows? These are all just going in the trash. We'll see you guys later. This has been the Views Podcast. My name's Jeff.

Bye.