Pitching Movie To Hollywood Director

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason sprained his ankle the other day. What were you doing? Tell everybody.

I went through this sick workout with this Marine trainer that I have who's so great and like has managed not to hurt me at all. Yeah, he gives me a fist bump. I walk outside, this guy who's like runs the gym, who's like real persnickety, he's sweeping. There's nothing to sweep. He's just like a fastidious dude, like anal retentive dude, and I'm like, uh, uh, uh, uh, and I just stepped off the curb like an old person and put 220 pounds on this ankle, and that's it.

Holy fuck. And how's your ankle doing now?

It's much better. It's getting better. I'm ready to film tonight, and I'm ready to do this podcast.

It's looking fucking huge. Let me see. Holy shit, this thing's so big.

Oh fuck, it's that one?

Yeah.

Oh, goddamn. Okay. All right, roll the intro music. All right, guys.

So the joke there that I have fat ankles all over.

Yeah, I think so.

Okay. I wasn't sure because I thought then you would say the left one's like, oh my God, that's even bigger.

Yeah. No, the joke was definitely the big ankles. I didn't mean it was just for the audience.

No, no, I get it. I just didn't know if it landed.

I saw that a lot of the people in the, the people that listen to us, they like when I put you down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I saw the market research.

Yeah. Yeah. Cadence 13, they run our podcast. They got back to me. With a very concise email about them just making more fun of you.

They found you unlikable.

Very handsome. Yeah, I saw that too. That's so funny.

Pretty unlikable. 3 ads this week, David. Are you excited?

You must have read a different report then, because that's—

You know what I've been reading? It's killing me on Twitter.

What?

My breathing into the mic. That I breathe too much. So after I talk now, I'm going to hold my breath. Hey, David.

That's actually funny, because I read that too. I didn't know that was a problem.

Yeah, I've been seeing the tweets.

I've never heard you breathe that much.

I know.

Wait, is that a thing? I love you the best.

I don't know.

I love doing this podcast.

You do a lot of things.

I'm on my medication, and I just am so grateful to be in your life at 45 years old. I have a fucking dope career.

You do a lot.

I make money! I make money!

Jason!

I support my kids! I buy my kids iPads! Boom!

I think people like the breathing more. More breathing, less talking.

Okay, you got it.

No, I feel like you do a lot of things that are wrong during this podcast, and I did not know that breathing was one of them. But I mean, I'm glad we addressed it. So what's up? You wanted to start off by—

Oh God, do I have a story for y'all. So Todd, I'm riding with Todd the other day, our good-looking friend. He's like, you know, Chase, I went to this anti-aging clinic for my knee, And, um, the guy took some blood of mine and he put it in a centrifuge and then he shot it into my knee and my knee was like instantly better. And you know I'm falling apart, like my whole body, every single day.

So he took blood from a random part of his body, which is where, just from his like arm, maybe from his arm, and then he shot it straight into his knee, put it in a centrifuge, like mixed it with something, and then put it in his knee.

And Todd's like, and my knee was better instantly. And he's like, and they have cock treatments there, they have penis treatments there. And I was like, oh.

And this is when you perked up? Yeah. God, say that again. Into my knee. No, no, no, the other part. Penis treatments. Yeah, yeah, yeah, what's that all about?

And so I was like, huh. I was like, I mean, I'm like fine. I have sex like 3 times a week, which is good for, I think, for a 45-year-old guy, I think.

That sounds crazy for a 45-year-old guy.

Good or bad?

Yeah, it sounds great.

It's great, right? But I'm with Trisha, who's a sex maniac.

Who wants, demands it 9 times a week.

Yeah, exactly. So it's stressful for me. She's younger, and it's like, it's a lot of stress. It's like, I gotta fucking keep up with her. It's like keeping up with LeBron James, you know? And so, like, I'm like, all right, I'm gonna do it. I'll go check it out. Todd's recommendation, Todd's like, I really like this guy. I'm like, so I go, and I go and I get like a consultation the other day.

To get it shot up in your dick.

That's an option. And the guy was like, he's like, you don't need that yet. He's like, you're fine. He's like, we usually shoot the dick for 80-year-old people.

Oh wow.

So I'm like, cool.

And then you pulled your pants down, you're like, holy shit, those are saggy. We're gonna, we're gonna give you 2 shots right now.

Yeah. So, um, so anyways, I went in today and I thought they were gonna do the same treatment with Todd, the knee. Yeah. And so I got there and like they put numbing cream. I I put numbing cream all over my penis first thing, and on my taint, and then—

Oh wait, you thought they were gonna do it? Even though they told you that they weren't?

I just thought it was gonna be a different procedure, let me finish. And so then he's like, "All right, take this plastic wrap and wrap your dick like a burrito." So I sat there for like 45 minutes.

Delicious.

And then I go in after 45—

Go.

And then I go in and they're like, "Okay, take your pants down," which is already like, "Fuck," and it's a woman. And they put like a sheet over my— not even a sheet, like a thing over my lap. And she comes in, she's like, hey, how's it going? And I'm like, uh, hey. And, um, and I was like, okay, so when's— so I get like a shot in my knee? And she's like, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, we're gonna do sound waves. And I was like, oh, okay, so I'm like, so you just kind of like run something over my penis like that? And so she's like, oh no, no, no, no, this is electroshock therapy sound waves. She pulls out this thing. It's, it's a fucking jackhammer. It looks like a jackhammer.

And, um, is she working on your knee or your penis? Because you keep mixing it up.

No, no, that Todd went for his knee. I'm going for sex drive.

Okay, so you are going for your penis.

Yeah. Yeah. So then she, then she, um, she starts jackhammering my penis for like 45 minutes. My, all my groin.

Trish is gonna hate the story.

Underneath my balls. Okay.

Um, with like electricity? Yeah.

And it is just the fucking strangest thing I've ever done in my life.

How does it feel?

Pretty good.

It's like electricity.

Yeah, it's like electricity and it's like going in and out of my cock. And then—

wait, what are you doing? Are you just sitting there and she's just like—

I'm like lying down. I've got my hand over my eyes.

Is your penis like out and about?

Yeah, but it's not erect or anything.

I know, but that just stresses me out. Someone looking at your dick for like, you said like how long?

I was in there for about half an hour.

For like 30 minutes your penis is just out.

Yeah.

And this woman's just poking.

It was awful, and then.

This woman's poking at it.

Twice a day.

Oh, and then she got you a penis pump.

Yeah.

Wow.

So I have to go and use this penis pump twice a day.

Are you serious?

Yeah, and like I don't even know why I did it. And pills.

And you got pills.

Yeah.

Oh, that's really disgusting.

So that's my story.

This is all to just—

Keep up with Trisha.

Wow.

See, this is why a 45-year-old guy should just not have sex.

It almost is kind of scary to me. And then, was the woman attractive? How do you feel about people, doctors operating on your penis?

I mean, like—

Would you prefer a woman or a man? Not operating, but like even like touching you.

Doesn't matter.

Really? Yeah, I always think a guy has to do it.

Yeah, you think?

Yeah, like if I'm like getting a physical and like he has to play with my, like, my— I don't know, my balls. Usually they like grab your balls and they make you cough. Yeah, like I would prefer it's a guy.

You would?

I don't know what it is.

I bet you would prefer it's a guy.

You're a fucking asshole. I was trying to have a respectful conversation with you.

That's weird, you have shown me zero respect since we started this podcast.

Um, no, I don't know, I feel like, I feel like that's kind of like I don't know, there's something weird about like a woman grabbing your balls, even though it is kind of motherly.

It just feels like it wasn't like that at all.

Feels like a guy understands.

Also, it's his wife, and the guy who runs the clinic is like jacked, and it's just like— which I just thought was weird.

Was she attractive?

I mean, well, how do I answer that? If I say no, then I'm being mean. Oh, and if I say yes, then Trisha's—

you just say not my type. But she was my type, David.

We did a video with Josh Peck yesterday, and he goes, what's your ideal three-way? And Trisha had to come in and guess what I said, and she was like, Tana, Tana, I know it's Tana.

And what did you say?

My answer was another woman that I cloned that looks exactly like Trisha.

Another Trisha. Yeah.

Wow.

Okay, so do you recommend it or not, electrotherapy for your penis?

I mean, I don't know yet. It's one treatment. My cock's numb right now and I just had it jackhammered.

So I feel like it's very ironic that the first, the first place, the first therapy session you go for, you and Tricia, is for your cock rather than your relationship.

Rather than our brains.

Yeah. Tricia, we got to work on things. I'm going to go get my penis stung up a little bit and then we'll see if that fixes things.

I also, I also I hate that I like drop money on stuff now. Like before I didn't have money.

Oh yeah, how much was that?

I can't do this.

How much was that?

And then it was $3,000.

Get the fuck out.

Yeah, for like 10 treatments.

Wait, so you have to keep going back?

Yeah, I gotta go back next week.

Oh dude, this is crazy.

Yeah, it's crazy. Fucking Todd.

Why are you doing it?

I don't—

I almost don't believe this shit. It's like the boys, the boys after Coachella, they do this thing where this woman comes to the house and they put a needle into their arm and they just fill them up with fluids. It's a bunch of syringes and it's just nutrients going into your body. And it's supposed to like cure your hangover quicker and just get your body like hydrated. I think it's such bullshit. I think you just drink water. It's like such bougie LA shit that just doesn't seem real to me.

Like it— I know, I know. And as I was in there, I was like, this feels very like, Andy Kaufman like trying to cure cancer. I was like, this seems like a fucking— Yeah, I was like too far in at that point.

Yeah, it's like, yeah, I don't know. Why don't you take a Viagra? Are you having sex problems?

Not— I mean, I just can't fucking have sex like 10 times a day.

I don't think anybody can, bro.

Well, I have to do something or I'm gonna lose the love of my life.

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I was so impressed with my mom yesterday in your vlog.

Yeah, your mom was great.

I mean, she killed it.

Your mom's a great actress.

She fucking killed it.

Speaking of my vlog yesterday, I was editing very late.

Yeah.

How late?

It was like 3 AM.

Yeah.

And then Zane went out with our other friends, with like Stas and Kelsey.

Sure.

And they went—

He didn't post his vlog.

No, he didn't post his video.

I saw your story.

He went out and it was like, it's a Wednesday night, so they went to a club, which is, I mean, you can't really do anything on a Wednesday night, but they went to a club. And then they texted me and they're like, we're coming over.

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh God. And I'm like, okay. I'm like, fine. I don't know why I said that, but I'm like, maybe something good will come out of this.

Sure.

So they came over. It was, it was Stas, Kelsey, and Zane. It was like 3 AM. I'm still editing. Um, they came over and they helped me with my edit, which is very nice, um, because I needed help.

Yeah.

And then Stas stole, uh, Zane's, um, jewel, and Zane was very angry. I mean, he was like playful angry. He's like, where's my fucking jewel? And Stas was like, here it is. And then they started like wrestling for it, like fighting for it on my bed. And it was like all a joke. It was very cute, whatever, good time. And, and then, and then Zane pretended like he was gonna body slam Stas, and he stood on top of my bed like he was gonna— like, like he was gonna wrestle, like a WrestleMania jump on her with, with his elbow, right? And he got on one leg to like drop down, but when he got on one leg, he lost his balance. Yeah. And he fell off my bed. Headfirst hitting the corner of a subwoofer I have on the ground, like the corner of a speaker. Oh, headfirst. And he fell and then he bounced up and he like— and then he like pretended to get back in the fight. But, um, but then he's like, oh no, I'm really hurt. I'm really hurt. I'm actually hurt. And it's just a big-ass cut in his head, like a huge cut. And he was bleeding, bleeding all over my room. Oh, and he was bleeding all over the speaker, all over my bed. And he's like, I think I, I think I got caught I think I got cut. And then he was bleeding all on the floor, and we had to go to the emergency room because of it.

What time did you go there?

We got there at like 4:30 in the morning.

You still haven't posted?

Yeah, 7— posted 4:30 in the morning. We got there, um, Zane— they called Zane into the, the, uh, the, the room. I was there with him for a little bit. I was there for the beginning, for when they asked like the first questions. And the woman goes, um, 'You do any, have you done any, um, you smoked any marijuana or any, have you done any street drugs?' And Zane goes, 'No.' And then Zane goes, 'Wait, what are street drugs?' And then she goes, um, and then she goes, 'You know, cocaine, ecstasy, molly, stuff like that.' And, um, and, and then I go, 'You're talking about the last week, right?' And she goes, she goes, 'Yes, like really recently.' And I'm like, like, oh no, he's good, he's good. And so he's like, yeah, yeah, I'm good. So, um, so yeah, so they took that and then everything was good.

And then, yeah, you lied to the people.

So we lied. No, no, um, that was fine. But, um, they, um, they took him in and he had to get his head stapled.

I saw it.

Crazy. And he, and he was so drunk, he posted it all on Instagram.

Yeah.

And it was like him getting injections into his cut in his head and it looked really bloody and gross. But yeah, he ended up getting, um, he was very fun about it. Like, you know, I feel like when any of us get hurt, we're always so upbeat about it. None of us are really like in pain. But yeah, he was fun about it. We went to the hospital, he got it done, he had a good time. Thankfully, this was a freak accident. He wasn't being an idiot, he was literally just being a goof and he got hurt.

What's the difference?

Well, normally he'll like be an idiot and he'll like actually like be doing dangerous shit, but this time he literally just fell off my bed like he was a monkey. Right, right. Yeah, this time it was just like an accident.

And did they— did they put a shot in his head so the stitch wouldn't hurt?

Yeah, they didn't do stitches, they did staples.

Okay.

Literally took a stapler and went—

yeah, I saw it. They must have given him Novocaine, right? Or no, 'cause he was so drunk they didn't.

No, yeah, they probably, yeah, they injected him with something. It was gruesome.

And then what time did you get home?

I got home at like 5:30, and then Jonah stayed back with him at the hospital. And they got, and I uploaded my vlog, and right when I uploaded, they walked into my house, and it was go time again. And I talked to them for a little bit, and then I went to bed. So I got to bed at like 7:30, 8:00.

You must be exhausted.

And we had a meeting at 11. I wake up to Nally coming to my room because we have a meeting, and I'm like, I'm up, I'm up, I'm up. And I hear this fucking loud snoring, and I'm like, oh my God, someone slept in my room. Someone slept in my damn room. And I was like, Zane is— I was like, Nally, is Zane in my room? Because I'm still in bed, so like I can't see. And she's standing like over my bed, and she's like, no, it's fucking Jonah. And then she leaves my room, and I go, Jonah, get the fuck up! What the fuck is wrong with you? What are you doing in my room? And I get up and he's not in my fucking room. His snoring is so loud, he's in the fucking living room.

When I walked in, I heard the snoring and I thought he was doing a bit.

Yeah.

But he wasn't, he was asleep.

Yeah, he was like, he wasn't kidding. And I thought he was right next to me. I literally thought he was cuddling with me, that's how loud his snoring was. But he was in the other room. And I went in the other room and I grabbed his nose and I just held it together, pinched it together to wake him up. And I was like, what the hell is wrong with you? But yeah, so Jonah made it.

Get some of that good sleep.

Yeah, actually, I have a funny thing that happened. The other day we were at, Jonah's like a little bit slower than the rest of us. He's also here, by the way, so he can defend himself. Jonah, say hi.

Hey, what's up? I'm not slow. I'm definitely not slow.

You're very bright in some ways, and then in some things you fucking miss the bus.

How am I slow? Come here, come here, come here, come closer. You can defend it, come closer, Jonah.

Hey, what's up? I'm not slow. Like, I don't know what it is about you.

The way that first sentence came out of your mouth, it sounds like you are so slow.

Okay, so, so the other day, I don't know if I talked about this, but we— there's this guy named Nathan Fielder.

Sure.

Nathan for You on YouTube.

Yes.

And not on YouTube, he does like Comedy Central stuff, right? Just like skits and sketches. Very funny guy. And we've all watched him here, like we've all seen his stuff. And we were at the movie theater the other day, like filming a bit, and and Nathan Fielder walks by and we all go, holy shit, it's fucking Nathan Fielder. And Jonah's like, Jonah's like, oh my God, oh my God, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna go talk to him. And we're like, okay, Jesus. So Jonah stops him midway on the stairs and talks to him for like 10 minutes. Wow. And we're like, I'm like, not 10 minutes, realistically it was like 3 minutes.

Yeah.

So we were like, what is he doing? What can he possibly be talking about? And Jonah comes back and we're like, dude, what were you talking to him about? And Jonah's like, I was pitching him my movie.

Oh no, you didn't.

I was pitching him my movie. And that's like, dude, if you know anything about meeting anybody— did I tell you the story, Jason?

No.

Oh, I didn't tell you this? No, no. He was pitching him his movie, dude.

And if you know Nathan Fielder at all, that's like literally something he would make fun of in his show.

It was, it was my—

what do you think's gonna happen? Do you think he's gonna go, yes, let's do it? Exactly. He has his own ideas, his own movies that he probably can't get made. He doesn't need your idea. It was What are you thinking? It looks bad on all of us.

I was so confused. I was so confused. And he came back up the stairs and I was just like, you pitched him a movie? Like, Jonah was born here, like in LA. So you think that he know, like, like that you don't do that. Like you don't pitch it.

You know, you're in, you're, you're in denial. What were you in denial about? Your place in the world.

What were you thinking about? What were you thinking in that moment?

Well, I'm making a movie called Harry and Dane right now, and I wanted him to do a cameo, and I would have in exchange, I guess, paid him a few thousand dollars.

We should have given him that chance to plug his movie.

The other day he goes, he goes, I'm gonna be making a movie in 2 months. I'll be making a movie, I'm gonna start my movie in 2 months. I brought up my vlog camera, I turned it on, and I go, Jonah, I'm marking today's date, January 13th, 2019. On March 19th, 2019, you will be shooting your movie, and if not, you have to give me $1,000. And he's like, okay, okay, uh, 3 months, 3 months. And I'm like, Jonah, don't fucking talk like that. Don't talk shit. Don't say you're gonna jump. My father, my father grew up—

my father, you're a shit talker. You're 100%.

I don't fucking talk about what I'm gonna do.

You're 100%.

I don't care.

You're the biggest shit talker in the world sometimes.

How? What do I say that I don't follow through on?

No, no, no, you just talk shit. You like, when I tell you something, you're like, oh, you can't do that because of the— oh, why? Why not? Why can't I do it? Like, why can't I make a movie?

That's great, I believe in you. I think you can, but don't say you're gonna be on the set in 2 months.

Don't waste my time. FML flopped 4 times. If one movie—

what does that mean? If one— I fucking made it.

FML is one of Jason's old movies. That did in fact flop 4 times. I'm kidding.

It didn't. Where is your movie? I didn't sit there. I didn't sit there when I was making—

I'm out of it too.

The thing is, Jonah, I didn't sit there for a year and go, my movie, my movie, my movie. Like, I fucking kept my mouth shut and I made the movie. Whatever it came out—

don't do that. You have to talk about your movie. You gotta talk about the scenes.

But don't talk shit.

Don't say I'm shooting a movie when you don't— when you don't talk about your movie, when you know— don't get into your movie when you don't talk about the scenes. We don't talk about the jokes. You make a shitty movie.

Go check the comments on my fucking YouTube channel and tell me that people didn't like Jason Jones.

Jason, you didn't get distribution for it, so you put it on your YouTube channel. No shit. Obviously people are gonna like it because it's way higher quality content than a fucking vlog.

Where is your movie? Where is it?

My movie is being made because I'm putting research—

You don't have to look at it. I'll see it behind the curtain.

You can't find the shitty-ass film.

No, it's not. Is it on your ass? No, it's not. Is it underneath in your belly button? I don't see it. Um, okay, all I'm saying is I do believe in you, but like, I don't— put your money— put your money— no, Jonah, that's Jonah. Listen to me. I do believe in you, but I want you to put your money where your mouth is.

He's crying.

Make a shitty movie. No, that's fine, that's fine.

Okay, I'm so excited.

My movie is funny, bro.

I literally— I hope this I hope these conversations fucking fuel you to make the best fucking movie ever.

That's what I'm doing too.

I am so pumped to see your movie. I'm going to be the first one at the premiere. I'm going to be the first one there. And I can't wait to go, Jonah, you fucking did it. Or Jonah, I told you so. God, I'm going to explode. Jonah's like about to come right now. No, but anyway, whatever. Okay. I'm very excited to see your movie. But yeah, to Jason's point, I know what you're saying, Jonah, is you're very confident. But Jason's also saying be a little bit more humble about it.

And I am very humble about it.

No, I'm very humble about it. No, I've heard you talk about your movie like it's the next big thing.

You— God, that, that's what you have to do. You have to talk about something. You have to talk about the scenes. You have to talk about the jokes. I'm super humble.

I don't— you weren't talking about— you're saying I'm gonna be shooting about it.

I, I look at you as my friend and I'm like, I'm like, guys, you guys are my friends. I'm gonna tell you guys about the funny scenes, about this, about that, about the characters, so I can Yeah, but it's not only us.

You go to people like Nathan Fielder who are celebrities who create—

I thought Nathan Fielder was gonna be the guest best movie in the world. I was gonna offer Nathan Fielder $2,000 to $3,000 for a quick cameo for like a 6-hour shoot day.

This doesn't work. Put the mic up to him or have him not talk. I mean, it doesn't work when he's yelling off mic.

He's fired.

Jonah, I believe in you.

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So David has a funny approach, um, with when he goes on meetings, which I think is really cool. And I wanna know if it works for you.

What is it?

You've told me a couple times that you've like, stood up in the meeting— not stood up, he literally said to someone, this is not gonna work. I know that you were saying all these things to me and it's not gonna happen.

Sure.

And then what happens?

But then it doesn't happen. I mean, it's like, it's like you can say whatever you want in the meeting and it just won't happen. Like, I, I've thought that, like, okay, like I've said this before, in LA it's all empty promises. So like, it's like people will promise you shit. And I feel like Jonah has not figured this out yet and he needs to. That LA is just full of bullshit. Like, people feed you shit all the time. Like, yeah, like how many shows I've almost developed this year— the last year is insane.

It's, it's actually not even that many. It's for, for like most people in Hollywood.

It's— yeah, it's, it's just— it's—

have you ever been wrong? Have you ever called some bullshit and then they came through?

No, never. Not yet. Not yet. And I thought like if I start calling out people on their bullshit, that it'll like encourage them to work harder. And it does. They work harder but they still can't get it done. Like, I'd be like, that's bullshit, and they'll be like, watch me, and then it never fucking happens. I don't know what's wrong with it.

I think too, because you— we've been trying to do like celebrities and stuff on the vlog and stuff, and those are just hard.

Well, it's also because we make YouTube videos, and the world of YouTube and creating a video is so much less difficult than putting together like a big production shoot with multiple people involved.

Very true.

Especially when people don't trust YouTubers yet for for some God knows reason.

I have probably some really good reasons.

Well, actually, there's millions of reasons. I don't know why I said that. I don't fucking— I don't trust YouTubers.

That's what I said at my show on Sunday. I was like, hi parents, I am one of the pieces of filth that your kids watch on YouTube.

It sucks, bro. It's the worst. It's the worst. Yeah, it's the worst group to be in, is to be a YouTuber. It's like, yeah, it's brutal.

It's okay.

I think it'll change. Give it, give it 2, 3 more years and I think—

no, it'll never change.

Yeah, you're right. I'm talking out of my ass.

Certain YouTubers will become like, you know, I could see like a Nathan Fielder going directly to YouTube.

Sure, you know, but we'll see. Just because Jonah's here, yeah, I wouldn't like to throw him under the bus this much, but I want to throw him under the bus one more time.

Okay, Jesus Christ.

Yeah, this is, this is just a break. No, no, this is because it's the same topic. Okay, it's the same topic, and I just thought it was so funny the other day. I think I told you this one the other day. Correct me if I'm wrong, Jonah, because I may have like skewed the story to make it funnier. But this is how I remember it. The Judd Apatow, he's a big producer.

Yeah.

He develops a lot of films, a lot of funny films.

One of my favorites.

Yeah, for sure. He was at Indiana, right? Indiana University, handing out hot dogs to people. Like, it must have been part of some press tour that he was doing or something. He was handing out hot dogs, right? And Jonah calls me and it's like 10 in the morning and he goes, dude, Do you think I can get down to Indiana right now and meet Judd Apatow and pitch him my movie idea? All I need is 20 to 30 minutes with him. And I go, Jonah, are you out of your fucking mind? And he goes, dude, he's handing out hot dogs right now. I know where he is.

You wanted to go for the hot dogs, be honest.

And he was planning on flying down What? He was planning to fly down to Indiana from California to pitch this huge producer, director, whatever, to pitch this huge movie guy a movie idea. What was going through your head for this one? This one I'm curious. I like this one.

Okay, so Judd Apatow posted that he was serving tacos.

Oh, sorry.

That's the only part I fucked up in the story. And Jonah's like furious. It was tacos, you asshole.

You mom's boy. He was serving tacos at a university, and I just thought it might be a good idea to fly down with my pitch and then just see what he says about it.

This is a great example for anyone listening. Don't be like Jonah. Like, do the work. Like, try. Like, put something out. You can say my movie FML sucked, but I fucking did it. I got meetings off of it.

I'm still That's fine.

Where are you fucking— do the work. You just keep walking back into a short film that you can show Judd Apatow.

The short film, Jason. If I'm making a fucking feature— I've made many short films, all right? If I'm making a feature, I'm gonna make it fucking good. I'm gonna do my market research behind it. I'm gonna make sure every single joke is honed to its perfect fucking timing. I'm gonna make sure every beat is hit, and I'm gonna make sure when I put it in front of the audience, it's actually fucking funny.

This is great. I can't wait to like listen to this podcast, hopefully when Jonah is a multi-billionaire, 'cause something happened and he made amazing movies, and we're sitting here doubting him.

Yeah, that could happen.

That's what I hope happens. Or this could be in 10 years, you're listening to this back because you finally got enough money to buy yourself an iPod. And you're like, hey, I wanna check in on my old friends.

You don't agree with me that your approach is all wrong?

It might be.

That's all I'm saying.

I think it's wrong. I think there needs to be a balance between both of your approaches. You're very pessimistic. He's very optimistic. I think you guys need to meet right in the fucking middle.

Sure.

Yeah, sure.

So only talk to Judd Apatow for like 2 minutes and then we'll get the movie.

No, no, no, no, no.

Every single person talks to Judd Apatow to get a movie. Do you understand? And the only people he works with are something— or somebody has some kind of comedy pedigree. All right, you know what, Jason Ellis, he went out and made himself an incredible standup.

I can yap my mouth to—

Guys, let's not fight. Don't fight. Just talk normally.

Oh, fuck. Hey, Jason, go ahead. It's your turn.

I'll let you talk.

No, I'll let you talk.

Pete Holmes developed himself as like a top, top stand-up, and then Judd Apatow was like, okay, I'll make a show with you. I'll go into HBO and pitch a show with you. That's what I'm saying. Like, you have to like work on yourself. You have to work on your work if you want to go and approach him. Okay, you can't just walk up to somebody and they're gonna go, oh, well, this guy's kind of funny, let's do it.

Uh, can I ask you, can I actually tell you something? The reason I even wanted to see Jed was to literally talk to him about comedy, about like what goes on in his head when he's writing funny scenes. Funny scenes that you actually work in the movie. Yeah, funny scenes. Yeah, you obviously don't know how to write funny scenes. So I wanted to talk to him about it.

I don't know how to write funny scenes.

I wanted to see what goes on in his mind. I didn't want to pitch him anything. I literally wanted to have a conversation with him.

But even that, that, that, that is a very tough thing to do. That's like me. That's like me, like hearing that LeBron, like me wanting to be a basketball player and hearing that LeBron James is having a community basketball game in Orlando. And I'm like, hey, I'm going to fly down and catch him in between him playing basketball with the kids. And maybe walk with him a little bit and talk about how I should shoot my 3-pointers, you know what I mean? It's a little bit like out there, right? He is the LeBron James of comedy movies.

He is.

You know what, sure, maybe I agree with that. I do agree with it. Maybe I'm completely out of my mind, sure I am, but that's what was going on in my head.

Do you know what Judd Apatow actually did? And this maybe is to your credit. Judd Apatow would write to comedians. He would like write to Garry Shandling And he would— he actually showed up somewhere where Gary Shanling was like doing stand-up in, in Arizona. And he— but he actually brought him jokes. And like Gary Shanling like read his jokes and like, you know, told him like what to fix and stuff. So maybe he would respond to you, but like, you know, I don't know. I thought you were going to pitch.

To Jonah's credit, I— he seems crazy, but isn't that what— isn't that what like really works a lot of the time, is that fucking Crazy. Like, I know it sounds stupid on paper, but like, if you have the talent to back it up. Yeah, it's, it's, it's crazy. I don't know. I don't know. I'm rooting for you.

I'm rooting for you more than anyone. I'm fucking nice to you. He's the one who fucking shits on you all the time. I'm the one who's like, oh, Jonah, you're working on fuzzballs. That's awesome.

That's bullshit, though. I'm the fucking genuine bullshit.

That's not true. I fuck— I'm so positive towards you. I don't talk.

I don't need to fuck you guys.

It's positive. Start the sentence again.

Listen, I don't need you guys' positivity. Please fucking be mean to me. Please fucking— oh, just shit all over me. I fucking— I love it so fucking much. I'm telling you, I fucking love it. Shit all over me, jizz on my face. Please hype me up. That's all I need. I need the hype.

Which one? Jizz on your face or hype you up?

Both. All of it. Do whatever the fuck you want. I need the hype.

You want to borrow my penis pump?

Okay, do you want us to? Yeah. Okay, fuck it. That's enough for the Jonah segment, guys. Thank you so much for joining. Thank you so much for joining that pointless conversation.

All—

we wish you all the best, Jonah. Thank you for coming into the studio today. Um, please go take a shower.

Wish you all the best, Jonah, for sure. Don't step on my broken heart.

You don't actually have to leave. Quick, quick, uh, quick little interruption. Getting tickets online can be far too complicated with hundreds of sites and varying levels of reliability. It's hard to know who to trust. That's why SeatGeek is the way to go. SeatGeek pulls millions of tickets into one place so you can easily find the seats you want for a price you're willing to pay. There's nothing quite like being there in person, and SeatGeek will get you closer to the action for a great value. Guys, SeatGeek is fucking kick-ass. I cannot stress this enough.

I just got my tickets for Alter Ego Fest Saturday night, Wyatt's birthday. It's gonna be sick, and I got you an extra ticket.

That's cool.

'Cause I know you wanna come.

And the best part about SeatGeek is you can return the tickets. No, I'm kidding. But no, SeatGeek is amazing. Honestly, they help me out. They're so involved with my videos too, and they're great people over there. So go use SeatGeek if you need to buy tickets for literally anything. I have SeatGeek on my phone. It's the best. I shop for tickets all the time. Best of all, best of all, our listeners can get $10 off their first SeatGeek purchase. Just download the SeatGeek app and enter promo code VIEWS today. That's promo code VIEWS for $10 off your first SeatGeek purchase. SeatGeek, life's an event and we have the tickets. Okay guys, for the next segment is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's our editor who edits our podcast. Where instead of paying him, we're giving him 25 seconds to talk. In 3, 2, 1. Shit.

Shit. Happy birthday to me. Today's your birthday? Yeah, dude. Oh, fuck. Well, we didn't know, did we? Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Dave. Sorry, Joe. Happy birthday to an extra birthday. 3 seconds. I don't know what to say. Is it his birthday?

It is his birthday. And can I say, this isn't a cake, this is a donut with 19 candles in it. I don't know how you stuck this many candles in it, and only one of the candles is lit.

You gave me no time to set it up.

Okay, so only one of the candles is lit. And here's the thing, so it is Joe's birthday today, by the way. Happy birthday. Which, this is amazing.

How'd you know?

So let me get into that. So first of all, I saw this donut, it was sitting on top of the toilet in the podcast room, and I went to go pee and I'm like, Joe, is this your donut? And he goes, fuck, you ruined it. It was before we started the podcast. And now I see that it was for his birthday. And yes, I did know it was your birthday today. I completely, I just wiped my, I feel bad. Happy birthday. Oh, thank you. How old are you turning?

18.

You're not turning, you're like 30.

That's my joke. No, no, no, I'm 18.

And you know how I knew it was his birthday? Joe would tell me once a day for the past 4 weeks. He's like, hey, you know it's tough to come up with vlog ideas, my birthday's coming up in 3 days.

And I know you have a SeatGeek promo coming up.

It got, uh, actually one of, one of Joe's friends texted me and was like, hey, you know, it's Joe's birthday in a week. Um, what are you guys doing for his birthday? And I was like, Joe totally put you up to this text. Did you put your friend up to this text?

I don't know who you're talking about.

Okay, no, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. No, I'm being serious about that, actually.

Which friend?

Oh no, it was one of his friends. I'll, I'll say his name later. But, um, and then I ran into his— I ran into your girlfriend this morning at my meeting in the elevator, and she's like Oh, it's Joe's birthday today. What are you guys doing for it? And I go, fuck. And I forgot. I forgot your birthday 4 times in 1 day.

Classic.

No, it's bad.

You are really earning the name, uh, it's Joe.

Yeah.

By reminding people every day when your birthday is.

But happy birthday, dude. Thank you. That's amazing. What do you want for your birthday this year?

Well, I can't tell you. I'm going to blow out my candle and make a wish.

Okay, go. What is it?

Friendship.

Can I have the donut?

Jonah wants to have the donut.

Okay, don't tell him it was on the toilet.

It was on the toilet. He doesn't care. No, but happy birthday, Jason. What was the best birthday of your life?

Probably last year.

Why? What happened last year?

Trisha threw me a fucking $40,000 party. Oh yeah, and all you guys came and Where was I? I got to talk for a long time. Was that a sushi restaurant?

Oh, was I there?

Yeah, you were crying at my speech, little shit. Oh yeah, oh! Yeah, I felt bad about that. I should have invited you.

Oh, that was a good speech. Oh yeah, you gave the speech. Yeah, I cried at that.

I got to tell everybody how I felt about them.

Yeah. Yeah, 'cause I feel like, you know, sometimes I feel like you don't have emotions.

Me?

You're weird because sometimes I think you don't have emotions and then other times I think you have too many emotions.

Oh. When don't I have emotions?

You're not the most romantic.

I'm not in a relationship with you.

You don't do things for me. No, but like, you're not like— you're not like— I don't know. Like, I'm super, like, cheesy person when it comes to, like, sure, like lovey-dovey stuff. But you're not like that at all. Yeah, but then you are very emotional when it comes to— I don't know what, but like, you are also very emotional to other times.

Yeah.

Why aren't you romantic? Is it just because your relationship failed with your wife and you just like Were you ever, were you ever like lovey-dovey?

No.

Did you ever lay in bed with someone and just go, I love you so fucking much, like, I can't, I don't know what I would do without you?

No, no, no. I mean, sometimes.

Like, what have you— what's— yeah, like, I've been gross. Like, I've been like the cliché girl. Like, I've been like, do you know what it is?

I have a, like, I have a problem needing someone that much, so If I feel like I need you too much, that puts me in a spot where I'm like, I can get fucking fucked here.

Oh, really?

So it's like almost like self-hurt. Yeah, like self-protection and self-preservation where it's like, I don't want to rely on one person so much because then it's like, well, I could get fucking railroaded. I could get killed.

Interesting.

So that's what's hard for me.

I always, I always thought love was so like— I like my friend Ilya had a girlfriend for like 4 years and the shit he would like to say to her was ridiculous.

Like what?

Like, I love you so much, like, like, like stuff like that. Like, like, not I love you so much, I mean, that's not extreme at all, but like, like really gushy stuff. Yeah, yeah, like, like, you're the only one for me. Like, like constantly, yeah, constantly remind her that. And I thought it was like the cheesiest thing. I'm like, what the fuck are you saying? And he was like, and he was like, listen dude, I know it sounds fucking ridiculous and I'm on your side, it's— I sound like I'm insane, but once you fall in love, you're gonna be the exact same way. And I'm like, no, there's no fucking way. And then I did. And I was the exact same fucking way. And it's like, and it was like the cheesiest, like, it's like out of a fucking—

was it like for like the first 3 months and then it went away? No, I definitely had that.

No, it's for a while.

Yeah, it never, it never went away, right?

No, I mean, sure. Yeah, towards the end it was like, it was like different. Like, if we're talking about my last relationship, yeah, towards the end it definitely diminished. But like, sure, but like, no, like when you— when I'm in it and we're both like completely in it, it's like Yeah, it's like, it's weird. It's like so cheesy, and I would hate to have anybody listen to our conversations. Like Natalie though, my assistant Natalie who lives with me, she's completely the opposite. Yeah, with her boyfriend, she like gets like grossed out when they say I love you to each other too much. Like completely cold-hearted.

Oh really?

Yeah, it's really interesting. Actually, let me, let me ask her about that. So Natalie's here. Natalie, grab the mic. We're talking about like love.

Oh shit.

See? And like mushy gushy stuff. And I was saying that Jason's not mushy gushy, but like, like, like I'm like, I'm like sappy, right? Like I'm like really cheesy, like gross. But I was saying that you, you're like a really cold-hearted bitch sometimes. Oh yeah. But not like a bad thing, but like in like, in like a, like a different type of way. Like you, you don't have to be like I love you so much, baby. I'm never gonna— like, you've never— you've never said that, right? Is that true? Yeah, probably. Honestly, explain that. You think it's gross when someone goes— I don't think it's gross. I just think I'm just not the most affectionate human. I don't know. That's so interesting. What's crossing?

I mean, I love affection.

Like, I love when people give it to me. I just don't really reciprocate. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. This has been the Views Podcast.

Go buy David's merch.

Joe, you look lost weight, which is amazing.

Thank you, I have. That's awesome, Joe, you lost weight and I found it.

Yeah, perfect. I will see you guys next week. Bye.

I'm gonna go pump my penis.

My name's Jeff. Bye.

Get electroshock therapy.