Our Biggest Turn-Ons

What's up guys, welcome back to Fuse. I've been seeing more messages about getting Jason on the pod more. They want to hear more stories from Jay. Oh, so hell yeah, Jay. Hold on, Natalie, there's also saying less Natalie, so let's limit your words.

But Jay, more me.

The floor is yours. We— I've set a timer. I'm gonna give you the first 30 seconds to just talk about whatever.

Incredible. Uh, go check out my best guess. Uh, I had something happen, uh, the other day.

Also, can I just say— Yeah, it's really— I already interrupted.

Wow.

Holy fuck, that was quick. This is— this is— this is to help your point. Um, it's really funny because like I'll see like comments or like DMs or whatever, and like, like one comment, like somebody could be like, the audio— the audio isn't loud, and it could be their personal speaker that's not working.

Natalie did that to me the other day. Go.

Yeah. And I'll text Jason, I'll be Jay, what the fuck is wrong with the whole pod? I know, like, what? It's like the Senate out there. Like, one person in my head represents, like, 50,000 people.

I know. You could—

if you're smart enough and you want to DM me on Instagram, you could DM me things, and I could— you could totally change the podcast if you're messaging me the right way. If you're like, please, Jason needs to speak for the Spanish viewers or the listeners, I'll be like, Jay, you got to start speaking more Spanish. It's that easy to manipulate. What we're talking about here.

And then it sets off a fire in my house.

Really?

When I get the call from you. Yeah. And then I'm like, oh, David doesn't like the audio. And it's like, it's like, let's listen to it.

Let's listen to it.

And I'm only complaining on behalf of one person.

Yeah.

But yes, there were two people that said, I want to hear a Jason Nash story.

It only took two people. We should be one person for you by your standards.

Yeah, no, I know. But I saw the worst. I saw the first one. I was like, maybe this is a typo.

Natalie did it to me last week.

Really?

She sent me a text. And you know, you can read texts kind of bitchy if you want to.

Yeah.

But it was just like—

It definitely wasn't just me.

It was just like, audio's not working. We really should be testing the microphones before. And I was like, what do you mean? I'm like, I did test it.

It is also funny that like—

Then I get a text like 5 minutes later, oh, my speaker's broken on my phone.

It's also funny that we trust you to be our audio guy.

Yeah, I don't know why you're doing that either.

I posted a picture of you editing the podcast, um, like the other day, and they're like, oh Jesus Christ, this is why it takes so long.

That's not true.

No, I know that's not true.

It's you.

That's me, that's me.

I'd be happy to come here every day and record. Really?

Yeah. Oh, well, right on. Okay, well, you fire up the— I heard there was an emergency at your home.

Yes, we were, we were at the house and, uh, guy knocks on the door. And he's like, "Gas company," like that. And then Naveen freaks out.

What time of day is this?

It's like 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

Oh, wow.

So not a scary time.

So morning time for me. This is about when I would be waking up.

Yeah, yeah. Morning time. Of course, you'd never answer your door.

No, no. Oh my God. When the doorbell is ringing nonstop in the morning, I literally lose my mind. I'm like, I get so confused. But okay, 2 o'clock.

Yeah. So he goes, "Gas company." And Naveen goes, "It's a scam. It's a scam. They're breaking in. People are— they've been breaking into houses with this scam. I saw it on Reddit. Gas company scam. Gas company. So apparently there's a scam going on where people say gas company.

There is.

They, they knock on your door and then they barge in and they, you know, steal, pillage, whatever.

Wait, so the second you— they're not checking to see if you're home or not? Like, whether you're home or not, they're coming in?

It's a breaking and entering. They're going to tie you up. This is what's going on in her mind. And, uh, I have heard of shit like this.

Yeah, I've seen like the Ring camera footage of people— this happening to people.

I mean, LA's so fucking crazy where it's crazy how this is normal. But yeah, I feel like nowadays it's It's more likely to get broken into during the day than it is at nighttime.

It's so scary.

Yeah. And LA is kind of spooky. Okay, go.

And so she's like, don't open it, don't open the door. She's like, they're going to— it's a scam. It's a scam. And then— and I know gas company people do come by the house. Like, I've lived in a couple of houses in LA and like they do, they'll just walk in and be like, I got to read the meter. And you're like, okay. So I don't know what to do. And so I go, I go, I go, I go, please go away. I go, we'll make an appointment with the gas company. 'Cause I'm all crazed out. And he doesn't say anything, and then maybe like 2 minutes later, we hear the door trying to get open.

Oh, shut the fuck up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, "He's trying to break in! He's trying to break in!" And I'm like, "We're calling the police! We're calling the police!" Blah, blah, blah, blah. So before I'm even finished saying that, Naveen's calling the police.

Oh, so now you're on her level. You're panicking just as much as she is.

Yeah, completely.

Which I don't feel like takes much to get Jason nervous.

No, not at all, not at all. And so she's calling the police, calling the police, and this never happens in LA when we call the police. By the time she's like explaining what happened, there's a chopper above our house. Like, she's literally going like, yes, he broke into the door, yes, he was trying to get in, he was trying to get— and all of a sudden you hear— and you hear—

wait, police actually came when you call the police?

One minute it was happening.

That's fucking impo— you think it's because she was like a woman? I think it's because she was a woman in distress, and they were like, we actually got—

she sounded hot.

Was it like a FaceTime police call? Officer, I'm in danger. I'm stuck. Help.

Wow. What are you wearing? Oh, wait, I can see.

Okay, that's insane. So a helicopter showed up over your house just for a fucking break-in?

Yeah. And the police came.

That's fucking crazy. If you live in LA, like, getting the cops to come within the first hour is impossible unless you're being held currently at gunpoint or there is a person in your house and they seem like they have a weapon. I feel like there could be someone in your house. And if the cops are like, does he have a weapon? You're like, I don't know. It's like, well, then we can't come. Yeah, that's good.

And then the police came and it was the gas company.

Oh, shut the fuck up. Wait, how did they find out? Was the guy still around your neighborhood?

Yeah, he was there. It was so fast.

Oh my God.

The cops are like, yeah, he's with the gas company. And I was like, I'm so sorry.

No way.

My wife's been seeing scams on Reddit.

And how did the gas company guy take it?

He was fine. He just kind of walked on. It looked like it happens to him a lot. And the cops—

poor guy's trying to do his fucking job. Just the police called on him.

I know, I know.

I felt so bad. I can just imagine him walking away with his head down. It's fine.

Do you ever have the cops come here?

We have them all the time. We have— it's to the point now where, like, I'll see them on the street. We have the same cops now that come when they're working during the day. It's like crazy people will come by and our security will call them and It's the— it's always— it happens a lot, like very, very often people come here. And when I say crazy people, I mean, I guess it's like a little aggressive, but, but it is people that have— it's been like 4 or 5 people now that have been— that have had dreams that they have to come visit me. Which is so fucking weird because it's one step away from having a dream about killing me. Do you know what I mean? I mean, like, if you're having a dream, anything can happen in that dream.

It's really bad if you have, like, suffering psychosis. Like I said the other day, I was like, you know, the Beatles, right? Like, greatest rock band of all time. Yeah, right. Two of them were murdered.

Yeah, because, because people had like— yeah, people were so obsessed with them that they wanted them crazy.

Like, what do you think Paul McCartney like goes through in his head?

Like, we saw Paul McCartney a couple of months ago just like driving around in his car, like no security.

Yeah, that is kind of crazy that— yeah, we saw Paul McCartney literally like a month and a half ago.

In L.A.?

In L.A.? Like in like North Hollywood?

Like in the Valley?

What kind of car?

What's that like? It's like an older car.

Like it was a Corvette.

It was a red Corvette with the top down.

No, but like, I'm always on the lookout for celebrities. I'm like fucking star tours when I'm on the road. I don't know why, but like seeing a celebrity out in the wild is like the craziest and most fun experience. I saw Paul and I started fucking panicking. Really? Obviously, I waved like a fucking idiot.

Oh my God.

No concept of like, of like code when, when I run into a celebrity out in public.

And you're a celebrity.

I'm like, you should know. Yeah, like, I should definitely know. But Paul McCartney's just like so big where I'm like, if it was anybody else, like, if it was like, I don't know.

Well, it's funny because David like waved and like kind of made it a little bit of like a thing. And we were also just coincidentally going in the same direction as Paul.

Right.

But then it just became like a weird thing where we're like, oh, he probably thinks we're like following him now.

Yeah, I was like, fuck. So we had to turn around just so Paul McCartney didn't think I was like following him home. This sucks. Have you run into people out in the wild that we see?

Jay Leno sometimes.

Oh, easy. I mean, that's a big one. That's like seeing a squirrel. Yeah, Jay Leno in LA. And he doesn't drive any inconspicuous car ever because he has a garage of like 200 cars.

Yeah.

And yeah, it's really— yeah, we saw he always drives like a tractor or something.

So you won't even be like, well, he has like a collection of sports cars.

Not sports cars, but he has a collection of every car.

Tractors?

Yeah, the last time I saw him was on like a big tractor.

No, no way.

I swear to God, you could see his knees. No, you didn't. Yeah, I swear to God.

He took a tractor out for the day?

Yes, like I think it was like a Lamborghini, like old style tractor.

Oh, oh, oh, when you say tractor, I think farms.

Yeah, Lamborghini started with making tractors. Oh, wow, wow, wow. So it was like that style of like cool vintagey, but like it was to the, like you could see full body where you see his knees and everything. But I think Jay Leno's like one of those people that like, who's gonna attack you? I don't know, for what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yes, Paul McCartney, I would be worried about because he's just like so fucking incredible.

Yeah.

This is a good question, Jay.

Yeah.

Listen, if your wife is listening to this one, have her skip this one. What is the most turned on you've ever been? And this is for like— I have a specific one. I'm going to say it. I'm going to start it off. There was one time I've never— this has never happened to me and I've never actually followed through with this. And I don't want people to use this against me in my life because it was my weakness. But there was one time we were in Chicago. Chicago. I was at a club and this girl who's very much my type walks right up to me and she goes, I want to fuck you. And I don't know what was going on, but in that moment, this was like 6, 6, 7. Do you remember this, Elle?

No.

This is like this completely.

I love that story. Do you know why?

Why?

Because I always hear about women like, you got to do this with a guy, you got to do this with a guy. And it's like so easy.

It's like, just nailed it.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

But, but don't do that with all guys. I think it was just like specific stars aligned moment.

Yeah, there was something in there.

There was something in the air.

And you can't just walk up to people and be like, I'm gonna fuck you.

Okay, that is different.

And but would that work on you, Elle, if a girl walked up to me and said, I want to fuck you, and she was my type?

Yeah, fuck yeah. Oh my God. What about you, John?

I mean, yeah.

I mean, any guy in the fucking universe.

Are you like That is so annoying how easy— Jay, it would work on you too?

Oh yeah.

Yeah. Wow. That's crazy.

It's so crazy.

That's so fucking whack.

Because if a guy walked up to me and told me that, I would be like a little scared.

Obviously you can't fucking say that if you're a guy.

I hate that.

You know what I hate? I hate about today's society is that people like are like all like trying to throw out double standards.

Yeah.

When I think double standards should exist for all of time, like I don't think girls should pay the bill, especially on the first date. Like, I think that's fucking crazy. And yes, obviously never should a guy walk up to a girl if the situation is as two random people meeting and saying, "I want to fuck you." Like, that's crazy.

You're not gonna like my answer. My answer's gonna sound like bullshit.

For what's turned you on the most?

Yeah.

What is it? And why are you sitting in a position like you're about to diarrhea all over the bed?

Because I sharted.

That's what you do when you get turned on? That's a weird defense mechanism.

Uh, it's definitely something with Naveen.

Oh, come on, don't be a fucking asshole.

No, I'm telling you.

Are you sure?

100%.

You've been alive for 50 years, you've fathered 2 kids, you've been a hormonal 16-year-old kid. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to take credit away from your current wife, she's actually super hot, so actually I don't even know why this does bump me as being the answer, but this is the most you've ever been turned on in your entire life?

Yeah. Oh, okay. But I don't want to go into what it was.

What? Yeah, yeah, yeah, you have to.

No, no, no, no, I can't, I can't, I can't.

But wait, no, it is your wife. This is flattering, is it not? Is she not going to be like, thank you?

Obviously she did something really naughty.

Wait, is that not like a good thing? Like, does that—

Yeah, it's a good thing, but I can't share her—

I definitely can't—

her escapades.

I mean, I wouldn't say mine.

Ilya saves me.

I'm serious, there's no shot. No shot. It's really dirty.

Wait, stop. Wait, why are you guys being like this? Are you—

are you trying to masturbate right now, you little fucker?

John, get the loop.

I get why Jay is hesitant.

Naveen talks about other women when we have sex. So there you go.

Wow, that's sick.

It's the greatest.

That's fucking amazing.

Greatest. Can I tell you why? Can I tell you why? Can I tell you why it's the greatest? Please do, because I've been in relationships, right?

Look at Ilya moving the pillow over his pants. He's rock hard.

It's like, I've been in relationships where you're like with the person and you're like, you don't really like, like, like having sex with them anymore. You know what I mean? You've never been in a relationship like that?

Yeah, sorry, we went silent, but yeah.

Yeah, so the good thing about it is like I don't have to feel like an asshole for thinking something else.

Wait, why is— why were you so shy to share this? This is the coolest thing in the world.

Because I don't know if I can say that.

Well, we won't put it out there.

It's literally something that her and I haven't talked about.

Okay, we won't— Oh, it's like an unspoken thing.

It's other women that you are— that you like, that you've talked about, or—

No, not like specific people, but like—

She'll bring up Natalie and she'll be like— No. She'll be like, imagine if Natalie was in here with us.

No, never.

No, I'm kidding.

No, your mom. That's good.

That's good.

Where's Christina? Oh my God, is Paulo there too? And again, I never acted on it, like, but of course.

Yeah, I'm confused just for my own knowledge. Yeah, what is she doing exactly? She's just—

dude, Natalie's such a girl. Yeah, I know, it's so funny. I wish Natalie could just get like a download of a guy's brain.

I know, I don't want it.

It's like, it's like if you were, uh, it's like dirty talk.

Yeah, but like, okay, you like Scarlett Johansson, so she's like No, it wouldn't be like that.

It'd be somebody more realistic.

It's not even— it's not even a person. It's just like a girl.

It's the idea of having another girl in the room with you guys.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, oh, now the girl's doing this to you while I do this. Like that.

Yes, but it's not like that. Let me explain for Jason. What, Ilya? Use your words.

I was like, it's just amazing.

Use your words, huh? Explain.

No.

Oh, Natalie, it's the best.

Really freaking—

it's the best, cuz you just don't— you're like, oh, and you know why it's good? Every woman should do it. I shouldn't say that, but the reason why is it's like my fantasies always include her now. Always include Naveen.

Oh, interesting. She's like, she's like plugged herself into your dreams.

Yes. So even when I have like dirty dreams, that's amazing. Naveen's there, dude. Same.

Even if you're thinking about Naveen, dude, you can't bring your ex-wife around anymore.

Not with Naveen.

You bring your ex-wife, you bring Naveen around. Ilya's gonna have a hard-on now.

I mean, that's amazing, Jason, but acting on it is not.

I still don't understand. Wait, why is it amazing?

What are you talking about?

I don't know what she's saying. I don't get it. She—

what she's saying, like, she's, she's like basically talking about a threesome.

She's—

I was—

you guys all—

he hasn't really said anything and you guys are all like slapping your knees and fucking drooling because we all said everything that he needs to say.

My man is a god. No, no, he's saying Basically, she's talking about a threesome.

Did you do it with another guy or with another girl?

Another girl. Okay, that's really funny. It was me, John, and Alex.

Well, I'm just saying, well, I mean, a threesome with another guy is also like pretty normal.

What?

I see. I wouldn't like that, but I'm not so straight.

But I mean, nothing.

Isn't that funny that everybody's gay though?

Wait, what?

Isn't that funny that everybody's gay though? Like, I grew up my whole life, I'm straight. I'm like, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight, I'm straight. I'm like, and then I check myself, you know, I'm like, I'm straight. I'm straight. I'm really straight.

That's weird. I'd never had those thoughts in my head.

Wait, wait, let him finish.

Hold on.

Where is he going?

And then it's like, if you were pushed to it, if you went to jail, right? Like, oh, would you be gay? Maybe.

Okay, hold on. I mean, it just kind of sounds like you're battling something. No, no, Jay, hold on. Are you doing a bit? Because that just sounds like you're gay.

No, it's just something that I—

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Oh, it's so exciting when I get a seat. Tickets.

The second you open that app, it's just—

and it says where you're sitting and you get to go.

I love buying tickets on it. I don't even go to the actual shows. Yeah, the app experience is so good where I'll just purchase tickets. I'll be like, fuck it, I don't need to go. The best part already happened. Well, I can't buy you all new cars. I can help you with 10% off your next set of tickets on SeatGeek with promo code VIEWS10. That's 10% off tickets with promo code VIEWS10. Make sure you click the link in the description to download the app and have the code automatically added to your account so you can use it later. Thank you, SeatGeek. Natalie, what's the situation you were the most turned on?

So I was hooking up with this guy and he wanted to play a game. I think it was like truth or dare, sex truth or dare.

Okay.

And yeah, and I just like, I had never, I hadn't done that before. So it was like a new experience. It was like fun way to like get the party going, you know? And yeah, that was, yeah. And it was very, it was very fun.

What did you, what was the craziest part about the truth or dare?

I don't know.

You and I really like painting the picture here for us.

Well, because I don't really want to paint the picture for you, to be honest.

What is this?

So he was like, say truth or dare to me.

Like, yeah, he actually did sound like that.

Truth or dare.

No, it was an iPhone game.

Oh.

And you can— it was like, it was on his phone. It was like truth. Like, what's your— do you have any fetishes? That would be like an example of a truth question. He actually told me he had a pretty crazy fetish, and I was like, oh, that's really interesting.

What was it?

Feet.

That's not crazy at all.

I've never met somebody that's like, yes, I like feet.

I think it's bizarre.

Me, bro, what are you talking about? Like, literally fucking one out of every 5 people have a foot fetish.

Yeah, Nat, you're fucking boring, dude. Are you this vanilla?

What are you saying? No, I've never touched somebody with my foot. Sorry, I think that's weird.

You don't have to touch somebody with your foot.

Oh, just like looking at a nice foot?

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

That's weird. I don't like feet. Like, I think feet are fucking gross.

Can you just tell us what the truth or dare question is? I'm gonna blow my fucking brain out. I mean, this is crazy.

I don't remember.

What are we in fucking preschool? You're scared to tell what a fucking card said on a fucking iPhone game?

I'm sorry. Not all of us feel like we need to tell the world.

Well, we have nothing to talk about, dude. We're talking about John showering with me for literally 40 minutes, going down a rabbit hole that doesn't exist.

It does exist. It does.

Okay, whatever, dude. You sound like cock. Forget it.

Okay. An example of a dare question would be like, touch yourself for 30 seconds.

Whoa. Okay, that's crazy. You got to keep that shit to yourself, dude. That is fucking— that's crazy, Melly.

We fucking—

we're your best friends. You can't say shit like that around us.

I see. I don't want— this is right.

Just leave it. Why'd you do that?

Sorry, I should have made a joke.

She was going somewhere. It was funny, but—

right, right, right.

Go ahead now. Go.

Sorry, the floor is yours.

John, why are you touching yourself?

All right, sorry, the floor is yours.

An example, and I'm not saying this happened or did not happen, but an example of like a dare question would be like, for 30 seconds touch yourself, let the person watch. You have to stop after 30 seconds no matter what.

Oh, you know that shit for sure happened.

There's no way you did that.

Definitely not.

Why is she winking?

Yeah, she did it.

Oh, that's crazy.

Damn, that's fucking wild.

It escalates as you can, as you continue to play, like it gets It's more like sexual or whatever.

Wow.

When did you play this game and who did you play with?

I'm not gonna say.

I missed it.

Well, you missed what? You missed the whole story?

I just missed, yeah, that part. What is it? You have to touch yourself for 30 seconds? I was doing the audio. What happened?

It's all right, Jay, you don't need to know.

It's fine. It's actually probably better that you're out of the zone.

Yeah, probably.

Yeah, yeah.

How you doing, John? Say something.

I'm all right, Jay.

But do you remember when I had that cyst my asshole.

Yeah.

And I bled all over the couch.

Yeah.

And Taylor was the one that cleaned it up. Not cleaned it up, but like—

I did clean it up.

Really?

Yes. It was on the cloud couch.

I was sitting on the couch and I bled through my shorts.

Well, it started out as like a cyst, right? Like it was like a little ball on the back of your—

Yeah, it's a pilonidal cyst.

I like to call it. But yes. Yeah. Why did you hand the phone over to— Why'd you hand the mic over to John? I don't know.

He looks like he's probably a cyst. Somewhere in his ass.

I've never had a cyst.

John, show us your ass.

Have you ever seen John's ass?

So, uh, no.

Okay, really?

Show us.

Wait, what do you mean, Dave? We've shot— we've literally showered together.

Where? What?

In his room.

I don't know.

John, what?

Wait, what?

Yeah, John, dude, are you—

what the fuck?

You're joking, right? I'm not joking.

We showered together. I would say it's not a joke.

John, it's obviously a joke. Jay, let's restart the podcast. What's up guys, welcome back to—

what's up guys, welcome back to Views.

Jay, what's new with you?

No, no, let's go back for a second.

Did we shower together? Is this true?

Yeah, is that why you give John such a hard time all the time? Because you're secretly like in love with John? Fucking John? Yeah.

No, I have literally never— I've never— have I touched John sexually?

Like, so defensive.

Honestly, I don't know.

No.

Okay, John. All right, I'm playing into the bit, but now let's be serious.

I don't know.

John, can you explain why you said that we shower together? First of all, the question was, don't make me manipulate you into— be honest.

I don't know now. Now you're in my head.

Okay, now you're making it sound like you weren't even coherent for the shower session. John's like, I was really drunk. John's like, I woke up just soaked. What are you talking about? I do—

I don't— I don't know anymore.

Realize if John had control of this podcast, we'd all go to jail.

Wait, what's wrong with that?

I mean, because you can't just leave an unfinished thought like that. Yeah, you can. Well, half of the room is like, when did David and John fuck?

I'm thinking that literally earlier this week you two were up in his steam shower, like, showering.

Why would you ever be in the shower with David at the same time?

Which makes sense, we have a steam shower.

Yeah, exactly.

Was it back like when you guys were kids?

No, what? Did we do it naked?

I mean, you were naked.

What?

This is so fucking weird. What's going on?

Wait, what do you mean you were naked?

I'm definitely sure you're naked.

What are you doing in your free time?

No shot.

There's no shot.

You're saying my fucking dick was out and about and my asshole was there.

Obviously, I'm more of a gentleman. I turn around, all right?

Then you don't even know if he's naked.

So it's like we're facing butt to butt, not dick to dick.

Okay, now it seems like you're jumping in my defense. Let Jon talk about this.

In your defense?

Yeah, it doesn't— it sound like Jake, please chime in here. I'm so confused.

Is this real? I'm confused. Did you just text Jon and be like, hey, say some wild shit?

No, I swear to God. I'm being deadass. I have no idea what he's talking about.

I don't think it's that crazy that you guys were in the shower at the same time.

No, Jay, it's not that. It's the fact that I don't recall this incident where I was naked with my balls out in front of him.

Well, how old were you?

It wasn't obviously like Like last year, maybe a year.

Okay, dude, when you say it wasn't last year, that—

28, John, that's the answer.

What?

How old were we?

28, bro.

Yeah, 28. Like, dude, it's not like we were young. The fuck?

No, I thought you were like 14.

Being young makes it actually less weird. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, what?

It would be more normal if you guys showered as kids. Like, I would shower— you shower as kids?

Oh, that's weird.

What?

That's complete opposite.

No, children showering and bathing together is a very normal thing. Adults bathing together—

I never showered with anybody when I was like That's crazy, dude.

John's like 10-second Tom from 50 First Dates. Hold on, from what I'm gathering here is you guys are accusing me of showering with Dave. It's obviously never happened, and whoever started this rumor should be shot dead. All right, explain yourself.

Yeah, like, wait, so you were 28 when it happened? You were upstairs in Dave's bathroom? And, and what was circumstance? Were you guys in a mud wrestling match? Did you get covered in—

How did we get in the shower together? Yeah, I've steam showered with, yeah, like Alex and Ilya before. That's not like that. Okay, was I fucking naked?

Yeah, at one point, yes.

What do you mean, bro? How do you know that?

Because he took his pants off, bro.

What do you mean, in front of you?

Not in front of me.

Like I said, I went to a private bathroom.

Like, okay, John, Hold on a second. He took his pants off.

Do you know how big his shower is?

So you're saying I turned to you and I was like, "Don't look, I'm taking my pants off." Yeah. Okay, so that sounds more reasonable. Exactly.

Okay, but then he got naked and then got into the shower with you.

No, he started showering and I was like, "All right, I'm done." There's no way.

I'm so confused and concerned. You finished?

You said you were done? You finished? Yeah, yeah. You finished?

Yeah, like I finished in the steam shower.

All over the steam shower? Yeah.

All right, come on.

I'm confused. Wait, you guys are doing little groups? Group steam sauna, whatever.

Would this be something that you would ever do?

Well, when he, um, sound— okay, sorry. Um, the steam shower, yes. Like, Al, I've steam showered with you before.

I understand that. Would you get naked in front of John and just start to shower while he's steaming?

No, unless like I started getting naked.

Yeah, exactly.

Just kidding.

Oh my God, you're the best.

No, I can't I can't imagine unless like we were coming from the beach or something and I was like, I have to shower while we're in. Can you look away? So I got to wipe the sand off me. Like that's the only way I could think about it.

Did John need to steam shower that bad that he had to be in there while you were showering naked?

That's what I'm saying. Like, that's why this story is really confusing. That's what I'm saying, bro.

It was big enough. I'm pretty sure.

Also, you're saying we were butt to butt and you were looking away.

Yeah.

But you're all—

but this whole story started because you saw him because you saw me.

Yes.

When we were in the shower.

Yes.

So you, even though I told you to look away, like you said, you actually decided to turn your head.

I gotta turn around and exit, so I gotta take a peek, you know.

Alex, have you ever fucked John? Yeah, John, is there anybody else?

All right, well, let's wrap this up. Long story short, uh, yeah, I shower with John. Big fucking deal.

Yeah, I didn't think it was a big deal. You're the one that's weird about your body.

You do moon John on like a weekly basis intentionally. Okay, okay, he does look at that. That is facts, that's for sure. Yeah, I just This is real, and it's actually gonna give more validity to the shower story now. But like, quite literally yesterday, I was— John was fixing something on my computer, and I hopped out of the shower, and my ass was to him, and I'm like, "John, are these your nail clippers?" I love doing that to him, and then he turns and he goes, "No, I don't— oh my god!" So that sounds legit, but the whole showering together, I was a little bit confused on. But yeah, If I remembered it, then totally it would have made sense. I just don't remember showering naked with John.

I don't know, it's so, it's so interesting to me because I feel like I'm here 24/7, but then I hear stories like this and I'm like, whoa, what the fuck's going on?

Well, we should talk about— have we talked about the Jerk Off Crew origin story?

You guys called yourself the Jerk Off Crew?

We went to go visit the boys, like me and Ilya went back to visit the boys in their apartment, and we wanted to see who can masturbate the quickest, you know, finish the fastest.

Fastest.

So we all went into separate rooms and we jerked off.

Oh wow.

And then as we would come back into the living room, it was just like a really funny, like, kind of walk of shame type of vibe, because like everyone was coming back to the living room at different times. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I finished the fastest. So like I'm recording everybody coming down.

John just nudged me like he goes, yeah, that's right.

You're proud of that, huh? You're proud that David lost?

No, David won.

No, no, that's winning. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was proud that I won.

Yeah, no, I was, I was sad. I mean, we all know the whole thing.

Jay, you think it was who could last the longest?

Yeah, dude, I would have just stayed in my room and slept.

How do you judge that?

Natalie, jump in here. Is that any kind of thing to brag about that you came really quick?

No, I don't know why he has to say that.

It's like having self-control. It's like, how can you do it?

You have no self-control.

Yeah, if you do it, you quit. Obviously, I could last forever if I wanted to, but that's not what it is about. It's about who can just do it the quickest state of mind. And Illya, what was your problem? Why couldn't you get it done?

Well, I had a disadvantage.

Why?

Because I was the only one that stayed on the first floor, and so after every time that somebody would finish, I would just hear him walk downstairs. I'd be like, every time I'd be like, fuck. And yeah, did you use material?

We allowed to use materials?

Yeah, you could use anything you want.

Yeah, this is so—

John had a girlfriend at the time, and I used like a piece of underwear. What? I'm so sorry. That's not a funny joke. That's not a funny joke.

That was crazy.

That was weird, bro. That was weirder than the shower situation.

Dude, you made up the shower situation.

You didn't make up the shower situation.

Anyways.

Yeah. I mean, I finished second.

Wait, what did you finish, John?

You finished second?

Nice.

You did finish second? Really? No, no, no, no.

I finished second.

I don't know why I'm bragging about this. That's my silver trophy.

No, I finished second, dude. What do you mean? There's no way.

Are you sure you guys weren't jerking each other off and you guys just called it a tie?

You finished first.

Yeah, but no, it was great. I mean, the look on everyone's faces, like, because so the staircase, the way it works is like people, they wouldn't walk down it. They'd kind of peek their head down first to see who was already down. So you would—

I thought I was gonna be first.

So yeah, and I just see you filming me. So you'd hear like footsteps coming up from upstairs. So you're looking at the stairs. Stairs, and then you just see a head pop out and it's like Mike or John. It's like, fuck, that you just hear them— you just hear them swear because they're last. Long story short, even though that is a bizarre one, that is where our group chat Jerk Off Crew originated from. And then we have one more group chat, yeah, that our friend Mike doesn't know about. Oh, I know he's gonna hear it here. He's gonna be pissed. Yeah, it's because Mike decided not to move out to LA with us, right? The group chat is called Where's Mike?

You're gonna hear about this at the bachelor party.

Yeah, that's his bachelor party we're going to this I mean, what else is— what else is on anybody's mind? Al, you have any stories from high school? Your favorite memories with either Ilya, Natalie, or John?

Al, what's your favorite memory with me as kids?

Natalie and Al have been like— there's been some weird tension going on there. I feel like we didn't talk much. Talk much? Oh no, we talked a lot. Didn't talk much. Dude, you hear that? Anybody here have a good story?

We were driving and Naveen gave a homeless guy $5 and he He was like, thank you, thank you. He looks at me, looks at me, and he goes, oh, I just lost my dad. Enjoy him.

That's really funny.

And I didn't get it at the time, David.

I was like, wow, I didn't get it.

I was like, oh, that's so sad, you lost your dad. And then Naveen was like, that's so sad. And then he kept looking. He was like, it's not gonna be here forever. And then we pulled away and we were like, like, that's really funny.

How often does that happen where people think that you're your wife's dad?

We went to a real estate— I went to see like a house once, and the guy was like, oh, is this your daughter?

Jeez. Is that just— how do you take that? Do you take that as a compliment?

I, I wrestle with it.

It's tough. Yeah, cuz there's like, there's some people— who's that coach, that football coach that has like that hot, like, is like Bill Belichick, who has like a, who has like a girl that's like, what, 21 or something?

I think she's like 24, and he's like '60s, right?

So like that situation, yeah, it's tough.

I mean, you can't pick who you marry.

Yeah, or who you fall in love with, right? But, but like, I wonder, like, does he look at it like a proud way, or does he look at it like, fuck, this is a little strange?

I think he doesn't give two shits.

If I'm being honest, like, I guess I'd look at it like a proud way, like, oh, that's awesome, I got—

that's how I feel like everyone would look at that situation before the internet. Like, not now that the internet's a thing, it's more of like It's like now people are like judgy about that kind of stuff.

Well, that I don't care about. I don't care what people on the internet say. If my friends had a problem with it, I'd be like, "Oh, that would suck." No, no, no, I think you guys are really good, man.

The relationship that I'm like currently like really obsessed with is Benny Blanco and Selena Gomez. I think that's so fucking great. Like, remember when we met Benny?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'll never forget that. We were at Charlie Puth's house and we were going to film a bit with him and Charlie's playing the piano and Benny is like barefoot in these like Rastafarian, like, sweatpants or whatever he's wearing, like, on the couch, maybe even eating chips. I don't know. I can't even— like, I have an image of him from that moment. And at the end, like, once Benny gets more comfortable with us talking to Charlie, Benny comes over and talks to us.

Yeah.

And I remember Jason going like, oh wait, fuck, you're a musician too? Like, I thought you were just bumming it on the couch.

Oh my god.

I thought you were the guy that got Charlie's Postmates debates.

And it wasn't mean. Benny, Benny, Benny has such a good sense of humor about it. And Benny, Benny laughed. Like, then we found out who fucking Benny was. Yeah, it was like the craziest fucking thing.

He starts listing songs, like every song you know, every song that he produced, every single song, every single song. And every pop—

the greatest part about him is he doesn't really like play any instruments. Yeah, he just like— I guess how he makes it, it makes songs, is he's just like, this one needs a little bit more. And then it happens.

I was in my driveway the other day, and I was jumping my car, and this man walks by. He's a larger, older man. And all of a sudden I hear like, oh, and I was like, I don't know what happened. And I have big hedges in front of my house, and then I couldn't— he didn't say anything. Then I was on the phone with my mom and I was like, Mom, I think that there's a man outside of my gate.

Yeah, that sound you made sounds like he got hit by a crossbow. Like in the stomach, just an arrow.

No, that would be like, ahh!

And I didn't see him like continue to walk his dog past the hedges, you know? Like he hadn't cleared it. So I was like, I think he's like outside just like looking, trying to like get in or something. I don't know, I was freaked out. So I went out there to look. This was midday, it was like noon. And he had fallen. Man, like, on the sidewalk right in front of my house. And he was just laying there on his back, and his dog was, like, roaming around in the street.

And the dog didn't come to his help?

The dog was, like, panicking, like, running around in circles. Like, my owner can't get up, essentially. And he couldn't get up.

But Naveen would have been like, that's a scam, that's a scam.

Well, that's what I thought. I was scared.

Shoot him, shoot him before he gets up. He will stab us once we get close.

I was so scared. And luckily there was another woman across the street.

Wait, you didn't approach him?

Oh, no, I I did approach him. I just didn't know what to do. And I— there was another woman across the street, and she came over to help as well. But I was— he was a— he was a big dude, and I was like, I don't know, I don't know.

You just like—

you're as a girl, your head goes like crazy places.

She's saying fall, you go and lock your doors.

Did he have a heart attack?

No, I think he just tripped on like the uneven pavement.

I've done that.

And then he— I had to go into my house, grab a chair out, bring it out to the street for him so he could like get up, because I wouldn't be able to— I wasn't able to like lift him myself.

We were talking about that. We went to go see like a Lakers game? Yeah, we're talking about how dangerous courtside is. Yeah, like Natalie was like, do you think like, like there's like insurance for like the per— like when somebody gets hit with like a basketball player? Yeah, like LeBron falls on your 80-year-old grandpa, it's fucking game over. Yeah, Natalie was like, what happens if you get hit in the head? I'm like, fuck the head, what if a player just comes crashing down on you? Yeah, it's a 6'9", and a lot of the guys sitting courtside are usually older gentlemen or women. So like, yeah, I wonder, that may be one of the most dangerous places in LA.

Did you see anybody get crunched?

Like, no. Floyd Mayweather was there.

He was?

Yeah, we went to the courtside game. Damn. They have these new suites, which is, they're like, you pay, what is it? It's $20 million for 4 years.

No, no, it's like $100 million for 5 years or something like that. I don't know, something crazy.

Yeah. And, and it's like a suite, like you pull in. This was, this is the most incredible basketball experience ever. You pull into where the players pull in.

Yeah.

So you park right next to the players' cars. They valet it. My car was the, I luckily brought the one that Corona got me, the Ferrari. Yeah. So it just so happened to be that day one of the nicer cars in the parking garage.

Yeah.

So they put my car right next to the suite. Suite. So it's literally from my car to the suite was, I don't know what, 40 steps? Like really close. Yes. And it's like protected there. And then in the suite you have a private chef, you have a bartender, and then you have like, you have like a private entryway to the game. It's like crazier than courtside. It's— I've never seen anything like it. But yeah, and you could see everyone else that's obviously there. Floyd Mayweather was there, and for more than half the game no one was sitting next to him. He just had his bag there, and I was convinced that he just bought the chair just for his bag. And then his buddy came, which I was like, I wonder if Floyd's happy that his buddy showed up or if he'd rather have it for his bag. Um, but yeah, basketball games are crazy. It's crazy, like, being there.

It's crazy how close they are, how big they are.

Yeah.

And it's just like anything you feel like, you're like, yeah, you could get—

yeah, you're getting sweat tripped on. Like, it, it really is like a fucking bizarre experience.

But, um, we were sitting, um, with with the new player, Luka Dončić, whatever. His agent was sitting with us in the suite and she was, he came from Dallas, I think. And she was saying that it's been like an adjustment for him to like come to LA. And he's from Slovenia originally, which has like 2 million people total, you know? And it's been like, he's been in the league for 7 years, but LA is obviously like totally different. I never even really thought about that, how like the LA Laker experience in comparison to literally any other sport or any other team or anything is like so— there's always celebrities at the game. It's always like packed. It's just so crazy.

Yeah, but you— but he's like one of the best players in the NBA and will be the best player in the NBA for like the next 10 years, right? So like, you don't think he's used to it? When she said that, I was curious because I was like, really? He's like, I'm from Slovakia, pretty close. It took me about 2 months to adjust. I was like, hell yeah, this place is sick.

I don't know, I just feel like when you're like on a stage like that in front of like so many well-known people.

That's totally different.

Yeah.

I moved to Ohio from Slovakia. He moved to the NBA from Slovenia. Yes. We have completely different experiences. That doesn't make sense.

Yeah.

I was at Toledo. Okay. So it's a little bit different.

I don't know. I think it's, you're playing for the Mavericks. That's like a lot of pressure too. I get it. Like Jack Nicholson's to your left, but it probably, that probably all just goes away.

Well, I think just like LA in general too, it's like totally different.

It's just like the team goes out to party after, like whatever the situation is.

Yeah. Yeah, right.

And like, and LA fans are now all celebrities, right? So like, now you have like, I'm sure your messages are going crazy, like, come to this dinner, come to here, like, in the celebrity sphere of—

Yeah, have you heard about the basketball player Grady Dick?

No.

There's a basketball player named Grady Dick. And so the announcers are having like, they're like losing their minds because there'll be all these clips. So they're like, dick pummeling in. It'll be like, dick going hard.

That's really good.

And there's like— and so there's this great reel of clips, and then eventually you hear a couple of the announcers, they cut it together, and it's like Shaq, and he's like, I'm not saying that anymore. And then there's another guy that's like, let's just call him Grady.

Are they doing it on purpose?

No, no, because I mean, at first, the way it's cut, it's like—

I mean, I guess you could say any term, but if you say dick in front of it, it's gonna sound sexual. Yeah. Damn, that's fucking sick.

Tell me if this would piss you Dave, I was walking with Naveen and she was— we were hiking and she was ahead of me. And then two like old guys pass her. Yeah, like 60-year-old guys. Naveen says hi, they say hi. And then as they pass her, so now they're 100 feet or 10, 50 feet past her, right?

You're hearing the gossip.

They all turn around and check out her ass, the two guys. Yeah, because they don't know that I'm with her. And so then I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, hey, I'm like, wait, you said something? I'm like, it's my wife.

No, you didn't. No, you didn't.

Oh my gosh, he said that as like a joke.

Yeah, kind of joking, but also like— and the guys just kind of went, um, how would that make you feel?

I don't know, that's kind of tough. That's like, there's two ways of looking at it. It's kind of like flattering. It's like, wow, my wife is so beautiful. But yeah, it also would be like, fuck off. No, I don't know. That's how I always feel about like dating a supermodel. And like dating somebody in the public eye, like, that's kind of tough because like everybody loves that person. Like, like, I remember the one public relationship I had, like, I would get DMs all the time where that were like, I'm praying on your downfall, I'm up next. And that would fuck me up.

Really?

Yeah, yeah. When people were like, I'm next in line, brother, I'd be like, fuck. I don't know why, but those comments would really get to me. So that being said, Fuck those guys hitting on your girl. But seriously, when you and Naveen are done, I'm up next. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Please DM us of tips and tricks how to make this podcast better, what you want to hear more of.

No, don't DM us. It's going to ruin my day.

If you think Jason's audio quality was horrible for this, please tell me. I'll fucking take it up with him immediately. This sucks because now people are going to be fucking sending me a bunch of bullshit.

Yep.

Be like, Jason's mic sucks. Get a new mic.

Yep.

We're gonna have to buy a new house because they're gonna be like, the echo in the home doesn't work. All right, guys. Thank you for listening. Go listen to Jason's podcast, All Things.

Ah, you never get it.

No, I'm kidding. I know it's all good things.

Okay, great.

Go check it out. Thank you. It's a really, really funny podcast. Mesmerizing.

Yes.

Can't get enough.

You can't?

No, I can't.