Going to Jail

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason sits next to me without wearing any deodorant and we talk about some fun stuff.

Oh yeah, that is ripe.

That is ripe. But you know what else is ripe? I'm just going to get right into the money-making here.

Tell me, what is it? What's on your mind?

The Dollar Shave Club is just constantly on my mind.

Oh my God, you always are talking about this. Tell me.

Well, it's— I've made the smart switch recently and it's a smart choice to switch, and I just can't get my mind off it, dude. If you— the Dollar Shave I'm so bad at transitioning into these ads, but guys, this is an ad and we're about to read it. And after we read it, we're going to get paid. So here it goes. Dollar Shave Club is the smarter choice. Get a great shave at a great price, conveniently delivered right to your door. It's an awesome life hack and no-brainer choice. You no longer have to shop, schlep to the store to buy a cheap disposable razor that gave you a cheap shave or spend a fortune on razors with gimmicky shaving tech you didn't need. Jason had to zoom in on the text. Like, well, I'm I'm old and my eyes are not as great. Well, stop, stop hogging them.

This is better. You do it like this. If you go triangular on the phone, it'll work. Or spend a fortune on razors with gimmicky shaving tech you don't need.

You already read that.

And when I spend a fortune on— damn it.

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I have used it. They sent it to the house. I used it. The butter is great. The razor is great. I shaved a little bit of my chest. You know, David waxed my chest a couple weeks ago.

You know what would be amazing though?

What?

The Dollar Shave Club, what's called the Dollar Deodorant Club.

Do I smell?

A little bit.

No, I don't.

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That's a $15 value, Dave, for only $5.

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I'm developing a palsy hanging out with you.

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Hey, you know what happened? I got the shave butter.

Yeah.

And, um, I started eating it.

Okay.

Cause it said butter.

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and it tasted good.

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Whew.

Okay. That's it. That was it. That we read our ad.

Take it away. Intro music.

Wow, that intro music was good. I don't know why I keep coughing.

Are you alright?

I think, I think the smell is starting to seep into my pores.

Come here, smell me.

No, Jason, put your shirt back on. Put your—

Oh yeah, well, if you like bury it in there, it smells. Let me smell you.

I smell good. I always smell good.

You don't smell like anything.

Exactly.

Oh, I thought the idea was to have a musk. Dude, be honest. Do I smell?

I thought the idea was to have The scent of a warrior.

Me smell good attract all kinds of women. I had a long day, David.

I attract bear dog before I hunt with my men.

Bear dog?

No, fair enough.

I had a long day.

Every day of yours is long, Jason.

Bro.

What?

I work for you. You try smelling good working for you.

I work for myself.

Natalie smells like shit.

No, okay.

Let's go. No, we had to give Chicky money today. That took a lot.

Today we surprised our maid with $10,000.

That was really great, David.

Because a bunch of people that watch our videos bought her shirt, and I think it was, it may have been a little under $10,000, but we just rounded it up because we're cool cats.

I thought it was $10,000.

It was a little under. Oh, okay. But we like to pretend that it was $10,000, and we gave her $10,000.

Right.

But no, yeah, we surprised her with $10,000. She was very happy. I'm scared of what her family's gonna do to her now. They just tear her up. They're like, it's ours.

No, no, they're gonna be like, be great. Chicky's gonna get all the money, super happy. And there's a really nice thing you did, David. You know what? There's hope for you.

Actually, speaking of hope, this is— I just found this out. This is a really awful transition, but it's kind of solid at the same time. I was at my lawyer because we're planning a trip. We may be going to Australia. This is a big maybe. We may be going to VidCon Australia. Like, again, I say this is maybe. And I said before, I'm a dreamer, so I'm basically like an illegal citizen. I mean, not basically, I kind of am. And I want to be able to go to Australia, and for that my lawyer needs like a month heads up, and he needs to work it out with the government and everything. So I went into the lawyer, it's, we're leaving to Australia in about a month, so he has to figure it out. And he tells me that President Trump is most likely going to take away the thing that's keeping me in this country. Ain't that crazy? He said he doesn't know how long it's gonna be. It could be in 4 months, could be in 6 months, could be in a year or 2, but Trump is gonna try to take it away.

Gonna kick out all the Dreamers?

Yes. No. Yeah.

Wow.

How intense is that?

He'll have to take Todd and Scott and me back to Lithuania.

I'm from Slovakia.

Same thing.

You guys would all have to move to Slovakia with me and count cattle.

It'd be hilarious. We'd be kings there.

We would be kings. We'd live on top of a hill, no cars, just horses. How fun would that be?

You'd have the nicest horse in all the country, on all the land, all the village.

My horse is gold. Yeah. My horse has autopilot. You just whisper into its ear where you want it to go and it takes you there.

Take me to the village. You could have such better videos.

In Slovakia?

Yeah. Because you'd run into people that would put a nail in their head and shit. You can't find that here. It's not so easy to find.

It is me, Mikus. Today I am going to sprinkle pepper juice into my eyeballs and try to pin the tail on my asshole using a dart gun.

That's what it would be like.

No, it'd be a lot of fun because I feel like there's no rules in like European countries. No, like running like a situation like fireworks wouldn't be a problem, right? Because it would, you know, you could do whatever you want in a foreign country.

You'd love fireworks.

I love fireworks. I'm a weird fetish for fireworks.

Yeah, you're pyro. You're always a pyro growing up.

I think Pyro is very like intense. I would love to be a Pyro, but I wouldn't. I never got to that point because I was just a kid lighting like stupid stuff on fire.

Have you ever seen anything burn, like a big house, and you like are fascinated with it?

Oh my God, I mean, of course. I've never seen one, but am I fascinated by it? Yes.

Yeah, like watching something burn.

Yeah, it's the coolest thing.

It's pretty cool.

Lighting something on fire is the best feeling. Yeah, just like one spark leads to complete chaos.

That all goes into your—

sounds so mental.

Yeah, it's like, it's like that's your like God complex, you think, or your serial awareness. I'm not sure which one it is. You have both.

That's your, uh, that's your outgoing personality, or that you're just a complete psychotic moron. Um, what else was I gonna say? Yeah, so I may be kicked out of the country soon, but, but what will you do? I mean, I just, I'll just do what I do here. I'm sure the income tax in Slovakia is like, they probably give you stuff. Like, they probably show up like, you're earning money in our country, what do you mean? Here is bread. Like, the income tax is nothing.

Over there.

Yeah, like here it's 40.

You're looking forward to going there so you don't— because you don't have to pay income tax, is that what you're saying?

Yes. And imagine, I could, I could probably buy a very small village there.

If that happened, you'd just marry Liza, right?

Um, if it—

which is not gonna happen.

No, no, it's not.

You can't kick out all those people. It won't happen.

He can.

It won't happen. It won't get through the courts.

Come on.

It won't.

It's, it's going to the courts.

I think your lawyer is crazy.

My lawyer?

I think your lawyer— is your lawyer Jewish?

Yes.

Okay. I'm Jewish. I know Jews. We worry.

What's the difference between Jews and regular people?

What?

It's not a joke.

I'm sorry. Just the fact that Jew was in the setup that I assumed it was a joke. Us Jews, we just tell jokes like that all the time.

What's the difference? Why? I never understood that.

Jews worry about everything. Jews look—

But dude, this is—

They have an eye to the— They go to worst case scenario.

But it's— I don't understand.

I married a Jew. My family's Jewish.

What does that mean to be a Jew?

It's a trait. It's a common trait in Jewish people.

Doesn't make any sense to me.

Okay, well, let me explain it to you then.

You know what I understand? I understand why you don't care. No, no, no, no, no, I do, I do. Like, I— like, where people— when people say black, white, like, I get it because it's to the eye. But like, to the— I'm not saying like, you know, segregate. I'm saying like, I understand the differences, but like, a Jew, a black Jew, and a white Jew just look like a black person and a white person, right? Like, how do you How do you— like, I don't get that.

Well, what I'm trying to say is, I guess there's certain— I don't know if I'm like, okay, like if you were to talk about Italian— if you were to talk about, uh, Slovakians, there might be some things that are common that like, oh, well, like Irish people.

But I thought being Jew, they like, they like to drink.

I mean, like, obviously every Irish person doesn't, and every Jew isn't this way, but for the— there's many, many— for the most part, all my family and the family that I married and all the Jews I grew up with they like, they go to the worst case scenario. That's all. They're worried because there were 6 million of us that were exterminated, so that sort of stuck with us.

Jesus Christ.

I mean, you know, I think that's part of it. I think that that's why— I think that's why Jews are a little on edge and think that Trump is gonna act on everything he says.

Hey, listen, I wouldn't, I wouldn't disagree with Jews.

I mean, you know, 6 million people, that's fucking a lot of people.

That's, that's a shit ton of people.

That's an insane amount of people. But I guess there's been worse Holocausts too, though. I guess like Oh, like, like, yeah, like different genocides, like Cambodia genocides.

Yeah. I guess it's like, I think, I think honestly it's because it was like in the most like, um, what's the word?

Because there's the most white people.

Yeah. What's the word? I love how I was looking for a word and you're like, it's white people, David. Well, no, no, no. I think, I think it was also because it was like in the most developed country, like genocide.

Yes, that's right. That's right.

That's a good point.

That's pretty terrifying, especially it's like when a white girl gets killed on the news and it's like, yeah. And it's like top story.

I never understood that. I never understood. I never understood why people get more coverage than any other race. I never understand that.

Because it's— because, you know, I don't know, there's a lot of ways. This is a tough thing to dance around, but I think because in a poorer community there's more murders. So when a girl goes down to the Caribbean on vacation, a white girl, and gets murdered it's like a bigger story than— than like a person that lives in the Caribbean, someone that's in the Caribbean, or is like someone that lives in like a bad neighborhood. I guess that's maybe why.

Well, no, because let's say a Black girl goes on vacation in the Caribbean, then if she's from—

if she's from a rich family, it'll be a bigger story than if she wasn't from a rich family. That's all.

Yeah, regardless, that's, that's really great. I think it's so insane how like, how like people— like, like there's, there's Twitter moments and there's always like something that pops up that's like when they're like London attacks, like there was a couple in the last 3 months, and it would be the biggest thing on my Twitter timeline, like it'd be the biggest thing in the moments, and it'd be like 10 people dead, which is obviously a shit ton, I'm not taking away from that, but then you see the next day at the bottom of the feed of the Twitter moments, in really small text, it's like 78 people burned to death in Syria, and it's like, that's nuts, those are still, literally those are just people just located in a different spot on the earth, Yeah, but people are just like, that one didn't make it.

Yeah, make the timeline.

That's, that's bizarre.

The right color.

It's really terrifying. Yeah, let's stop talking about Trump.

Yesterday was crazy. Can we talk about yesterday?

What happened yesterday?

Our incident.

What happened yesterday on the—

when we were, we were on the highway?

We were on the highway? No. What happened?

We're gonna talk about that then.

What happened?

We were on the highway.

Well, yeah, we were.

Remember we were on the highway And something happened on the highway.

Were we on drugs?

No.

Okay, well, I don't know what you're talking about.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

The only thing I remember from yesterday—

Being on the highway, on the 101.

No, the only thing I remember from yesterday is when you were talking to a girl on the phone outside.

Yes. Right? Yeah, oh yes.

Okay, you remember that.

Yes, that made me nuts.

Jason was talking to a girl outside and he made it seem to me like he's never talked to a girl in his life because I would come outside just to like bother him like a regular, like, you know, Guy would.

It's the first time I've ever spoken to her.

And I came out and he literally, like, I've never seen him, he was batshit. He was so angry. He was like, get out of here, David. And he'd like, he'd like, he, it was FaceTime, so he'd like put the phone up to his chest and he'd like mouth some words. He'd be like, out now, let me do this. And I'm like, dude, what's going on?

If anything, if I'm honest, as to what you were doing, huh? What were you saying? I came out, Brandon was saying the C word.

Okay. Yeah, that's a little intense. I came out and I'm like, I told Jason when he was on the FaceTime with the girl, I'm like, Jason, it's so nice that you finally found someone also with genital herpes. I know it's tough for you. And like, I kept saying stuff like that. And like, I'm like, he was so bothered by it.

I had never met this girl before. I don't know what she's going to think.

Jason has some weird like points that you can't hit, even though he's a comedian. There's some things that you can't joke about or he'll be like, that's not a joke. This is my first joke. This is my first girl ever.

I do have things that I get nervous about, like when you yell bomb in the airport. I, I don't like it. It bothers me.

I never yell bomb.

Yeah, you do.

I literally, I'll be at the airport with Jason and I'll be like, I'll just lean up to his ear and I'll be like, wait till they find the bomb in your backpack. And he'll stop anything he's doing and he'll look at me and be like, Dad, that's not funny. That's not funny, David. That's not funny. It'll almost be to the point where he'll cancel his trip. I don't like I mean, I get it, but at the same time— so what was going on with this girl you were talking to? Why were you so in love with her?

I don't know. I'm just not good with girls, I guess. That's probably what it comes down to. Just, I just— you were just, you were just like, you kept coming in like a little— like, it wasn't that you were saying embarrassing things. It was more like, it was more like you had to fucking ruin anything I do. Like, like, if I want to bring a girl home, like, I know you'll like be there to ruin it. Or if I want to like have any fun at all, or if like 'Cause you just ruin everything. You just have to ruin everything. Or you just make it like, or if I hook up with someone, it's like you have to fucking humiliate me about it. Or if I wanna go get high, it's like, oh, Jason's high.

You know why I do it, right?

Why?

'Cause it bothers you so much. It's like if a bully bullies you in high school, it's literally like if you show him any attention, the very fact that I came out there the first time and you were like, get outta here, get outta here. I was like, oh my God, I'm totally coming back. I'm like, why is he so pissed?

Why did you come out there?

I literally just—

Because you're a needy little fucking kid.

No, I—

That's why. You wanted daddy's attention. That's what it was.

I came out, I came out. Please don't refer to yourself as daddy.

Uh-huh. Well then don't act like a child.

I came outside because I wanted to see who you were talking to and you like brushed me away with your hand. You were like, get out, get out, get out, get out. And I'm like, wow. He's either on a business call.

Why did you have to come out and see who I was talking to? Why do you ever care what I'm doing?

Because we were about to leave.

Where were you going?

Outside.

You didn't go anywhere.

Yeah, you're right.

You're lying. Yeah, I sent Brandon to get Subway because you beat him in pool. Yeah, which, by the way, I don't— I don't want to gamble you to go to Subway.

Well, Brandon did.

Yeah, but you were asking me, like, come on, stop changing the topic. Loser goes to Subway. I'm like, oh, what a great fucking bet, David. You get $6, you drive to Subway.

I like playing pool and, like, betting for something.

I— and then Brandon And Brandon was like backing you up on that. He was like, yeah, it's way better if you bet. And then he had to go to Subway and he was like, so fucking stupid. Why did I agree to this?

And then he came back and he brought my sandwich back and he's like, hmm, wait till you take a bite of that sandwich. The entire time I was eating it, he's like, tastes good, doesn't it? I'm like, what the hell did you do?

He ruined it for you.

Yeah, he ruined it completely. And he just sat there with me the entire time. He's like, how was that bite? Was that bite better than the last? It shouldn't be. Like, I was like, oh yeah, that'll get in your head. And I was like, I'm done. And like, I couldn't finish it because I was— okay, go back to this.

Why do I have to— why do you have to ruin everything? Why can't you just let me have something?

Dude, I love having— because it's just so—

why do you have to be a bully? Why do you have to joke on me?

Jason, you— we were just at lunch and you told me the way you were— we're going to Vegas, we're going to Vegas soon. And the way Jason motivates me to go to Vegas is like, dude, you can walk in on me having sex with so many different people.

I'm just trying to get you in the mood. I want you to get in a good mood for Vegas because I'm excited.

Don't tempt me with stuff like that if you don't want me to do it.

I mean it. You can for this weekend because it's your birthday, because it's your 21st birthday, and I want you to have a good time. I'll, I'll give you full rein on that.

I can walk in on you having sex?

Okay, sure. This might be my gift to you. I can't afford much, but I can give you that.

That's your pickup line to girls? Listen, I need to go back with you just because my friend needs to walk in on us.

I get a prostitute.

Don't ask. It's your birthday. He really needs this.

I thought about setting things up for you just to make you happy. Really? Yeah.

Oh my God.

When we were in VidCon, uh-huh, and I made out with Brennan Taylor's mom for that bit, yeah, I was like trying to figure out a way to get her to the— to get her to my hotel. Not that I wanted to hook up with her. Yeah, yeah, just so there could be like something there. And then I called her and called her and called her, and she was like, you're really hot, I definitely, definitely want you. No, she'd already left. Brennan was like, yo, chill, my mom left. And I was like, ah, damn it, I definitely want you.

Um, but no, I do, I am, I do apologize for— no, I don't apologize. Well, don't be, don't be a girl about it.

Did you just chill out on me? I'm just, I'm just— that's what's just being nice.

That's what friends do to each other.

I don't do that. I have my friends, you know, my, my other friends who I don't talk to anymore.

I—

we just hang out. You know, my other friends who I haven't been friends with for 10 It's exhausting. It's exhausting.

I don't mind a little bit of it, but that's why, that's why I do it.

But that's why I do it. But why? Because you want to exhaust me? David, I don't have much in the tank left. Would you realize?

Because these conversations fuel me when you, when you complain. And I, I love, I love doing things like that because I know you're going to bring it up in a vlog and it's the funniest thing to watch you yell at me. Even right now, like, like, how happy are you that I did because we just had a segment to talk about for the past 15 minutes.

Yeah, okay, you're right.

See?

Yeah, but still, it's hell to go through. Yes, it's enough. Just what— I'm not saying you have to stop busting balls, but once in a while, how about a fucking hour off?

Listen, how about an hour a day? I did it. I did it.

Did I get my hour already?

I said 4 jokes to the girl and you talking, and I left, and then I gave you the rest of the night off. I even told Brandon, I'm like, just let him be. I even told Brandon that.

You did not.

Yes, I did. I promise.

Just let him be.

I was just like, it's fine, I already got him. Ben was like, yo, should I go bust his balls? I'm like, I got him, don't worry. He loved it too, dude, because anybody in their right mind would love that.

You—

your friend has never had a girl that he really liked and he was talking to, and you were just saying the stupidest shit right next to him.

Yeah, but I'm like, it's—

that's the fun. It's so much more fun. Yes, it's, it's especially fun because you're 44 years old over at my place and I'm 20 years old and I'm saying things like 'Put the beer down' in the background.

David, stop it. I'm not drinking beer. I'm not drinking beer. I'm so sorry. I don't know why he's saying that.

Where are you on the phone? Jason was canceling a hotel reservation today and I'm in the background. I'm like, 'Put the weed down.' And he was getting bummed out about it.

I wasn't getting bummed out. I couldn't hear what she was saying. And I went like this. I put my finger up like one second. I wasn't getting bummed out about that.

Okay.

Whatever, David. I'm done.

What I'm trying to say is Trump's probably going to kick me out of this country.

Fucking hope so. I can't wait. Hey, so, um, all right, so your birthday is very exciting.

My 21st birthday. Yeah, man, I'm getting old.

Yeah, getting up there.

I like saying that in front of older people. They get so pissed off. You brushed it off.

Me?

Yeah, just now. But like, have you ever—

and I enjoyed the joke.

Huh?

I did enjoy that joke.

No, I'm just saying, like, if you say, if you say things like, like, I had my friend's parents come over yesterday And they're like, it's your birthday. I'm like, yeah, it's my 21st. I'm getting old. And they just looked at each other like, this little shit. No, but yeah, we're going to Vegas.

Can't wait, man.

It's gonna be, it's gonna be something else.

You don't like to— you're not a Vegas guy.

I'm not.

Nobody is. I can't believe all the guys that are going are like not excited.

No, I think they are.

I don't know, everyone's like, oh, Vegas is so lame.

No, I think they're just playing it up. You know, the second all our friends get there, they're gonna be drinking like buffoons.

But David doesn't drink.

I don't drink or do drugs.

It's not the best place for you.

I know Jason's planning to do a lot of drugs there.

You are such an asshole.

You just admitted to it.

Huh?

You could have brushed it off, you could have pretended like I was kidding.

I didn't admit to anything.

You literally said you're such an asshole.

I did say such an asshole, 'cause you're saying that I'm gonna do a lot of drugs, and you're not.

Because you are. I'm not gonna do any drugs.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Fuck that.

Dude, don't turn this on me.

Don't turn it on me. Don't try to say that I'm gonna do all these drugs and you're not.

I'm literally not turning it on you at all.

I just turned it on you.

Okay, well, whatever. Jason's gonna do drugs there.

So is David.

I don't know what the big deal is. You're 44. You can admit that you do drugs.

That's fine. Okay, so if you can, then I can.

I don't do drugs.

Whatever.

Oh my God, that's a lie. Yeah, yeah, I can go back to podcasts where you've said specifically that I don't drink or smoke or do anything.

No one said anything about smoking anything. Oh my God, you son of a bitch. Hey, I have a question. Are we friends?

What do you mean?

Are we friends?

Huh, why do you ask this?

I'm just curious. I was having a conversation with someone the other night and they were like— and I was like, does he like you? Yeah, I was like— and I was like, because something strange happened. Well, I mean, I'll say it, but why don't we talk about— I'll save this for later in the conversation.

Okay. Are we friends?

Yeah.

I mean, what do you mean? Like, yes.

we are.

Yeah.

Okay, cool.

Like, will you be at my wedding? Yes. I think that's what a friend is, right? If.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your wedding.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

Okay, cool.

Everyone in our group will be at my wedding.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Cool.

Yes.

So we're friends.

I just wasn't sure.

Why? Who talked to you?

Nobody. I was. I know there was something that happened, and I was like, you. Oh, you went to have a meeting with YouTube, And, uh, and, uh, and then you said something— of course I made it all about me— but, um, you said, you said something like, oh, when I go back to Jason and Liza, what should I tell them? Or something like that. And I was like, oh, I just didn't think of myself as like someone that you would— as a friend.

Because I mentioned your name to someone, you got all warm.

Yeah, I was like, oh, I just wasn't sure.

Oh, that's kind of cool.

Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, I can't wait till the description of this stupid fucking podcast.

So we're friends.

It's going to say whoever writes the descriptions of the podcast, God bless them. It's just going to say Jason and Dave find out that they're friends and people that are going to be reading it, they're going to be like, should I listen to this podcast? They're going to see that and they're going to be like, nope.

Oh, okay, cool. I wasn't sure.

Dude, this is really weird.

Yeah, I made it so weird. Yeah, I did. Yeah, that's what a good podcast is sometimes, I guess. Yes, totally weirdness.

No, we're friends. I agree.

So we're friends.

Do you have any other questions?

You like me?

Do you like, like me?

Okay, cool. I'm glad we cleared that up.

Yeah, nice.

That's awesome.

It's a really weird question, David.

Well, I wasn't sure if it was just more of like a work thing. Oh, or I mean, friends.

We're friends because of work.

Sometimes I'm just— I sometimes I just get confused about our relationship.

I'll put it this way. I'll I'll put it this way to ease your mind of us maybe not being friends. Yeah. We wouldn't have met if it wasn't for work.

Totally.

And we would have never— we obviously wouldn't hang out every single day of our lives if it wasn't for work.

Totally. Yeah, that's obviously— yes, I agree. I agree.

But yes, but you're still going to be at my wedding.

I love how that's your answer because I didn't even think of that.

I think that's how I always look at friends.

Yeah, but so will tons of people you work with.

Yeah, tons of friends.

Ah, I got you. We're not friends.

Yeah, no, we're not. Ah, you son of a bitch. No, no, no, we totally are.

All kinds of business people. Yeah, you are. Yeah, you are. Of course you will.

Oh yeah, I will. Yeah, but they're my friends. Like, when you talk— when you talk about—

there will be some business people at that wedding that aren't necessarily your friends.

That's not true. I would never just invite someone from Lionsgate just because I've had a deal with them. Like, I have a friend— I have a friend at Samsung, and he's— and he works at Samsung, and he's my friend, right? He's— you can be both.

It's a nice friend to have. Yeah, it's Samsung.

I mean, I love this guy.

He's the fucking best. He gives me Samsung money. He's my best friend in the world.

He hasn't given me that Samsung money yet, but we're gonna work on some magic.

No, so sometimes I just feel like, you know, I'm like, oh, I don't know what this is. I sound like a girl.

You literally do.

I mean, what are we? I just need to know.

I mean, you stopped doing this podcast because you're like, I just feel like this is just for business, which It's fine, dude.

It's fine if it was just for business.

You gotta calm down. What's going on?

I just, I just want to know. I was just curious. I thought it was an interesting subject.

Like, if I, if I, if you, if I didn't ask you that question, Jason, if I wasn't your friend, would I be, would I be so open about telling you to cut your damn toenails already?

I know I meant to this week.

Exactly. That's because I'm your friend.

I knew that. Like, if someone said to me, like, Dave is not your friend, I would have been like, yes he is. Not that anyone said that to me.

Someone said that to you, huh?

No, no, no, no one said that. Not at all. But it's just a topic that I got thinking about, and I was like, I was like, huh? I was like, I wonder. But anyway, yeah, so yeah, I would have said that we were. I was just asking you the question. Okay, now let me ask you this: if we weren't friends, would you tell me that we weren't?

No.

No. So, okay, that's what I thought.

But that'd be weird, right?

Like, I'm just saying, you have to be a guest on the podcast.

You'd have to be a random person.

What do you mean?

Like, you just have to be a random person I don't normally talk to.

No, I'm saying like, you could have just told me that we're friends right now, but we're really not.

Ah, I don't hang out with someone every day if they're not my friend.

Okay, cool.

All right, how about we just change the subject before it gets a little more weird?

I think that's a good idea.

We're gonna stop talking about Jason's insecurities for a second.

Fine, fine, David, be that way. I just need to know where we stand.

Jason's turning his head to me, he's not looking me in the eyes anymore.

We'll talk about this later when you get home from work.

So we're This is by me hanging up the podcast. We start arguing, as soon as you hit stop, you stop recording.

What the fuck was that? What was that that we just recorded? No, seriously.

Okay, um, we're going, we're going to Vegas together. We're going for my 21st birthday, or at least I think it's my 21st birthday.

I'll be riding in the Tesla, which I'm so excited about that I was invited.

Jason's coming and he's not invited in the Tesla, which is cool. No, no, you're coming in the Tesla.

No, there's not enough room.

Guys, believe it or not, Jason's coming to actually hang out with us. He's not coming to chaperone or anything. He's coming to have fun.

Yeah, it's so funny. I love it. Yeah, why do you have to say it like that? Why can't you just be like, Jason's coming? Why do you have to qualify it? I'm probably not. You're making it— you're making it a poke at my age.

Yeah, it's a poke. Yeah, it's a poke.

It's poke.

It's like a stab.

Yeah, well, it doesn't— it doesn't hurt me, man.

Yeah, it does, because you're gonna talk to me about it after the podcast.

We'll talk about this later.

We'll talk about it later, how much it doesn't hurt me.

I love it. I'm excited.

No, it's gonna be a lot of fun. I've never been to— I've been to Vegas once.

How was it when you went?

I've obviously— it was like a bigger Hollywood Boulevard. I went when I was 19.

What did you do when you were there?

I had the most amazing room. I had the bathroom— the bathroom stall was like just all glass all around, and I just saw all of Vegas, and it was the prettiest thing. I'm such a sucker for views.

Yeah.

So if you put me in a nice view, like, I don't care what's going on.

So from the toilet you could see all of Vegas? Vegas.

Yeah, it was gorgeous.

It's quite the view. Yeah, I think, uh, crapper's paradise.

They really hooked it up. Um, what would you say?

It's a crapper's paradise.

That joke was the shit, dude.

Nice, dude.

Yeah, I'm trying to think of another one.

Yeah, did you go play craps after the table? At the table after?

Uh, yeah, that one was kind of weird. That one kind of made me uncomfortable.

My first one was better than your second one.

Oh crap, we still got a little bit more. Um, no, we're going to Vegas.

What time are you going to leave on Saturday?

It doesn't matter.

I want to know.

You want to schedule it out now on our podcast?

I want to know. No one's giving me any answers. I'm not in the group chat.

Put your note. Yeah, Jason today freaked out on all of us because he's not in the group chat.

I didn't freak out on anyone. I was doing a bit for the vlog.

Don't give a fuck.

No, I thought it might be a funny area. It wasn't. So when I started talking to you about it, that's what you— it actually wasn't because you had an honest answer and I was like, oh, that's why. Like, it all made sense to me because you suck.

Oh no, Jason, we have a group chat of all our friends and Jason's not in it and it bums him out a lot.

It doesn't bum me out at all.

He doesn't— being honest, he's turning red, to be honest.

Let's be honest on this podcast.

Okay, I'll be honest.

You're a piece of shit. It doesn't bum me out.

It's too honest.

Huh? It doesn't bum me out at all. Okay. I really doesn't, but I did. I think it's interesting.

It's so funny. Cause today Zane said something so funny in the group chat.

He did. What did he say?

I don't know.

You can't tell me.

I can't tell you.

I'm sure it was fucking brilliant. I'm sure all you fucking—

No, no, you're not missing out on anything, but we're going to Vegas. It's my first time. I think I'm going to gamble. I don't know how gambling works. It seems like a win thing for me. Like it seems like I can't lose. Can't lose.

It should be great. Put $100,000 on red right when you get there.

Well, that's what I was thinking.

Do it.

I'm like, it's that easy? I'm like, 'cause it's 50/50, right?

Please don't ruin our weekend. Don't gamble.

I'm gonna gamble.

You think you're a winner in all these aspects of life, and you are, but don't start gambling.

You don't think I'm gonna win?

No.

I feel like it's a golden rule where you have to win the first time you gamble.

There's no golden rule for anyone, David. Vegas takes your money.

Well, so—

Especially for people that don't know what they're doing.

So the way the roulette table works is you—

Tell me.

Is you—

You tell me how it works.

Well, you spin it and you bet on a color, right? And if you bet on red, Yeah, you get your money times 2 if it lands on red, and if you bet on black, you get your money times 2 if it lands on black, right?

I think so, yeah.

So how— I don't get how people don't go there like every day and just multiply what they earned, because you have a 50/50 chance. I know.

Don't gamble. Tell them— please tell me you're not gonna like spend $100,000 there.

Not doing $100,000.

How much would you drop?

What are you willing to play with all weekend? Not more than 10.

You're gonna spend that much?

I'm not going to, but like, if like there were like 50 people around me and they were like, hey David, you're a pussy, let's see you bet, then I'd be like, dang it, 10's my limit. Like, if people peer pressure me into something.

Yeah.

And, and like, I'm not like— when I say—

what is with you and calling people pussy and being called pussy? It's the weirdest thing.

It's just a kid thing.

It's a— it's the weirdest thing because you will call me pussy and I'm like, okay, he's fucking 8, that's fine, whatever. And then I'll like, if I really want you to do something, I'll call you a pussy and you'll do it. It's really weird. It's like you react to it.

What do you mean?

Like, I'll be like, Dave, let's go to the podcast. David, let's go to the podcast. And they'll be like, hey, you fucking pussy, let's get in there. Don't be a fucking pussy like that. And you'll be like, okay, I'm coming. It's totally what happens. Like, you respond to it.

It's like that. It's like that. Like, if you call someone a pussy, that's like legit.

I don't think it's a kid thing. I think you're always going to be this way. I think you'll always be like just a fucking dumbass goof.

Just someone wasting everyone's time and fucking like, I'm robbing a bank, the cops are like, put the gun down. I'm like, make me. Like, put it down, pussy. I put it down right away. Yes, sir. I'm so sorry.

I don't know.

No.

So what time are you gonna leave?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know, Jason. I'm not trying to hide something behind your back.

Why don't you plan shit?

Why is this— why is it so much fun? This podcast has turned into Jason's insecurities.

I don't care about the group chat, and I don't care about—

You're scared we're gonna leave without you now.

Oh no, I'm not going in your car.

Why? I want you to come in my car.

Because I don't care. It doesn't matter. Because I can fly or I can drive with someone else or whatever. It doesn't matter.

Your kids are out of town. They've been gone for— how long have they been out of town?

Almost 7, 6 days.

You know what?

What?

I can tell you didn't think about them today.

What do you mean? I fucking messaged with them on WhatsApp and I sent you— I was right next to you when I messaged her.

No, that's not true.

Why?

I'm kidding. Look how pissed you get.

What do you mean? Yeah, I thought about him because I could sit here too all day and fuck with you, but I just don't have the energy. I don't care to. There's no endgame in it.

Jason was like to the point where he was almost pulling up texts just now.

No, I just—

look, this is me texting my daughter.

Don't tell me I'm a bad dad. I'm a fucking good dad.

I'm You're a bad dad.

Yeah, well, that's what that implied to the millions of listeners.

How has it been since your kids left?

You go, that's fucking awesome. It's fucking great.

How is it?

It's great, but it's like, it's, it's like your dog leaving, right?

It's like you don't have to take care of anything, but you really miss it.

So much done. Yeah, just get so much done. It's been so nice, and there's just not that stress of like, once I finish work, I have to like run to take care of them.

If you can go—

like, I went to Stout with you tonight.

Yeah.

And I didn't have a care in the world. That was nice.

If you can go back and you can push a button to not have any kids and you wouldn't remember that you pushed the button, or you wouldn't remember, your kids wouldn't remember it, no one would be offended. You can push a button, no one would be offended, like no one, nope, your children, no one would know.

No, no, no, I got you.

Would you push the button?

No.

Okay, good.

Never. If I could just not have kids?

Yeah.

No, my kids are fucking nuts.

Would you have more kids?

It's a good question.

See, how do you know right now that you didn't push the button?

I hate when you make this question.

You probably already did.

If I push the button, then I wouldn't have kids. I have kids.

I was telling Jason the other day, he absolutely hates this because he thinks it's how idiots think, and I totally agree. I'm literally 7 years old when I think about stuff like this. But I was telling you, like, how it sounds even stupider when I think about it. Like, how do we know that the world wasn't attacked by aliens yesterday and they wiped our memories completely clean, and it just— and it feels like we had a regular day yesterday. Do you know what I mean?

How do we know that? Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess we don't.

Yeah, but like, how bizarre is that? There's a chance. There's a chance that—

when did you start this like weed character?

It's not a weed character. It's just— it's the possibilities are endless.

So the thing that got me— people even having Pot would say—

do you believe in heaven?

Too much. Pot would say, um, no, no, no, I don't think so.

Why? That's so bizarre to me.

I don't know, it seems—

we've had this conversation before. I never understood.

To think that there would be a heaven.

So what happens after you die? What happens after you die?

Nothing.

What do you mean nothing?

It's gone. Just not alive anymore.

You realize how stupid that sounds? How can you be so confident in an answer like that?

You asked me a question, David, and I gave you a fucking answer, and I didn't call you stupid.

I'm just— I'm just—

David, is there milk in the fridge?

No.

Okay, you know how fucking stupid you sound right now? You don't know that. What if there is milk in the fridge but you can't see it?

I'm just saying.

Listen to you. Listen to you. You sound like such a fucking asshole. I was just—

I was trying to—

I was trying to provoke. Yes, be provocative. Welcome back to David Dobrik's science world. The unknown.

No.

Is it there?

No.

Is it not?

Get into this, my friend.

Dirty Dom. Has a few theories about God and what happens in the afterlife. Hey yo, you know what I'm saying, David? Uh, if we get that good weed, we might always go and we all go somewhere. Exactly.

No, I, I'm— I just want to know why. I want to know why you don't think that.

Love to watch you host a science show.

It's just a 20-year-old who thinks he knows everything. Oh my God, that'd be so funny. A show where I'm just like convinced that I know the Earth is flat and the whole thing, and I'm like, don't be a fucking idiot. How, how could it possibly We'd fall right off. You guys are dumbasses.

Just bullying people on the street, random strangers, poking them in the chest.

Who was the first president of the United States? George Washington? Fucking wrong, dude. We don't know who was the first president. Were you around back then? No. So shut up.

Go back to your point.

Okay. Yeah. How do you think that there isn't a heaven?

No one knows.

Okay, cool. I like that answer.

Yeah. You asked me what I think.

I know, I know, I know. But, but before, before when we talked about it in the car—

Right now, guys, he's pointing at me with like a stiff finger. Like, he looks— he's gonna punch me in the face. Go ahead. Before we talked about it in the car.

Before when we talked about in the car, you were like, there's no way. No way there's a heaven. Yeah. There's no way there's a heaven. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's, that's the Jason Nash I want to talk to right now.

Yeah, I don't think there is.

But how is there no way that there's a heaven?

How is there a way? How is— how are you so sure that there's a heaven?

I don't—

how are you so sure there's a heaven?

You should use the word heaven. But how do you—

an afterlife?

Yeah.

How are you so sure there's an afterlife?

Well, because isn't And like, I wouldn't—

We've had this conversation. You want to pin me down on the point of there's absolutely no way there's a heaven, which true, I don't know that, and neither do you.

Yes, yes, okay.

So I mean, yeah, we can concede that point to you.

Okay, so I guess the last time we had this argument, you learned something from it, because you—

You're such a little fucking cunt. I don't even know what to do sometimes. So I guess we're saying we learned something on the science show today, that David Dobrik is always right. I'd like to thank you. Our sponsor Dollar Shave Club for being here.

Hey, don't mock our real sponsors.

I'm David, I didn't go to college, but I know fucking everything.

Well, let's just say David Dobrik 1, Jason Nash 0. I like having these— these arguments are my absolute favorite because I am so— I'm so convinced that I know everything.

You think so?

Like mentally, yeah. So it's so fun.

You read minds?

So it's so fun like arguing with you because I'm so like like passionate about everything I say because I'm like, oh yeah, that's right, up your own ass, you mean?

Yeah, yeah, I got it.

And it's gonna be fun to listen back to in like 2 years and you'll be like, Jason, I'm so sorry, you're absolutely right, there's no fucking heaven.

Because everything that comes out of your mouth, David, I take none of it fucking seriously because I know you're, you're so young, your brain's gonna fucking change and you're gonna go back on all of this stuff.

You're a real jerk.

Everything that's come out of your mouth, every single thing, you know, shit. About nothing. No, listen, you're a very poised young man. You're very smart. I'm impressed with you on a daily basis, but you fucking don't know shit about— with what? Uh-huh. Poised. Let's talk about Vernon Hills.

No.

Why not?

I'm not talking about my hometown.

Well, we had a trip. We had a whole trip.

Yeah, we went to my home.

It was great. We were there last Saturday.

I keep talking to you about how I'm gonna change. I think that's so fun.

How are you gonna change?

This is what, like, I, we, Jason and I had a topic of talking about abortion on one of the last podcasts.

Oh, that was great. That was one of our best segments.

And I'm like, and I'm like, we ended the conversation, whatever, or we ended the podcast. I'm like, Jason, that's what we need more of. We need to talk about things that neither of us know anything about, and we just need to go at it because that's so fun. It's like listening to two dumbasses like hold a stick in their hand and shouting it.

Well, I'm not understanding this. You want to, you want to talk about like, like nuclear science? You and I get in on, get in on it? No, not like, not like just maybe a less hot button issue that we know nothing about.

I love talking about things like abortion because it's like we have no say in it. Like we've never been like in a situation like that, but it's so fun to discuss about it because people listening to it are either a, oh, these guys have a good point, or fuck these guys, really pissed off, or getting really pissed off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's fun listen to, because like—

All right, go ahead, throw it out there. I'll talk about something I know nothing about. I'm ready. Oh, what do I know nothing about?

The death penalty. What do you think about the death penalty?

I know a lot about the death penalty.

Well, do you believe in it?

It doesn't work, and it doesn't— there's been a lot of mistakes. That's what I know.

I always think it's— I always think if I'm a criminal, I would love to have the death penalty. I don't know why it's like a bad thing.

So you can go to the afterlife You're a dick, you know that?

No, because, because I wouldn't want to be in prison.

Like, you wouldn't? No, you wouldn't want it? You'd rather die than—

Are you on a drug? If someone said right now you have to go to jail, you haven't committed anything. Yeah, you have to go to jail for 80 years. Yeah, to life.

You haven't—

Yeah, or you, you take the death penalty. Well, any day of my life I would take the death penalty. Any day of my life. What?

Yeah, I guess. Give me more specifics. What do I have? What's my sentence?

You're just in jail for the rest of your life.

Okay, someone's like, you're in jail for the rest of your life. What, am I getting raped every day?

It's jail, so it can be whatever you want it to be.

No, tell me. I want to know. I want to know.

Most likely.

I want to be on your what-if game show. Go.

You'll most likely get raped.

Hmm, that would be tough. Yeah, get raped every day. Unless you learn to like it.

Yes, but But that's like 20, 30 years down the road.

You know, if you'd be raped every day—

No, I never said I'm old.

I wouldn't know.

Did I say every day?

You say every other day?

No, I meant once. Like, it would happen.

It'd be raped once.

I mean, I'm assuming it's prison. You're there for 80 years. What can I take? Like, you wouldn't be there for 80 years. You'd be there for like 7.

David, I might live very long.

Um, you take the death penalty?

No, I would live for sure.

That's so strange. That's so strange.

I want to die. You want to live? Everybody wants to live. Everybody wants to like—

it makes no sense to me.

Well, like, think about it. All right, if I wasn't getting raped every day, I wake up in jail, I'd have a lot of time to write. I could write my— that novel I always wanted to write.

No one's gonna listen to it. I mean, maybe if it's a bomb-ass novel and you get it out of jail.

Yeah, it's gonna be a bomb-ass novel. I mean, like, the other day I was writing on the plane and you were so funny. You were like, dude, what the fuck are you doing? I was like writing a long thing on the plane.

I knew you would bring this up and I I remembered exactly what I said. I was like, Jason, what are you doing? That's how I said it.

I'm like, no, you looked annoyed when you said it.

No, I didn't.

You're like, Jason, what are you doing?

No, I did.

Okay, that's how you did it. Okay, so you— okay, so you weren't annoyed?

No, I was— I was just curious. I'm like, well, that's cool.

Tell me how you said it.

I was like, Jason, what are you doing? Because I wanted to know if you're writing a book or if you're working on a script. I don't remember what you said.

And I said, I'm doing some writing. And then you go, why?

Yeah, that one was right. No, I'm kidding. I don't remember.

Anyway, were you You were kidding?

Yes.

So tell me, the first part you were being serious, the why you were kidding?

I never said the why like that.

The first part you weren't being a dick, but the second part you were being a dick?

Oh my god, dude, I can't.

I'm trying to understand.

I don't remember how the conversation went. I was genuinely curious.

You did say you remembered it.

I was kidding.

You're lying then, because I just said—

I was genuinely curious to know what you were writing about, period.

You were, okay, so I'm asking you. Okay, and then when you said why, I never said it like that. Yes, you did.

No, I didn't, David. Oh yes, I did. That was after I found out what you were doing, right? Yeah, then I was kidding.

You were kidding?

Yes.

Okay.

Yeah. Okay, death penalty. Can we go back to this?

Oh my God, can we go back to this topic? We know nothing about it. Yeah, okay, let's do it. You tell me, what would you do? What do you think about the death penalty?

I'd take the death penalty any second.

But what do you think of it in this?

What do you think of it?

I think it's right. Should we have it? No, you don't think we should?

Because it doesn't punish anyone.

Hmm, interesting.

I mean, it doesn't at all.

Really?

Taking someone's life after they murdered 6 people, do you think they give a shit about their life?

You seen— if you know what happens when you get the death penalty, you know what happens to you? Like, you know how brutal it is? What a brutal death it is.

It can't be as bad as—

it's like 12 minutes—

as what you did to those—

eyes pop out of your fucking head. Yeah, there's been botched executions. Where the guy's like—

I don't know.

I mean, it's, it's not, it's not like a clean death. It's super awful.

I guess I don't really know that about the death penalty, but regardless—

fried to death. Can you imagine? Can you imagine being fried to death right now?

What death penalties are you reading, huh? This is the Krusty Krab giving out death penalty?

Well, there's an electric chair.

It's usually lethal injection now, but like, you know, regardless, I would take the death penalty. I thought that was an obvious Really? We had this conversation in my class and everyone was— I mean, I was on the side of my class. It was super obvious. Why would anyone choose life in prison?

Because it's—

but what's the point of life then?

You're in prison, you're like hanging out, you're writing, you make some friends, maybe play ball. Like, you know, you, you relearn something, you learn a trade.

That's so strange. I, I don't know. I guess I maybe don't think like—

I mean, like, you know, there's, there's I don't know, like sometimes I have moments in my life where I'm like, I think, I think, huh? You fall asleep as soon as I start talking. And I think to myself, no, I, I do have moments when I think, wow, like life is so fucking awesome.

Like, yeah, it is being free.

But no, the things that I say life is awesome about are the smallest, smallest, smallest things.

What would bum me out about life is because I— like, I'm like, damn, life out there is crazy and I'm stuck in here for the rest of my life. I would not be able to live with that. I'd not be able to learn to live with it. I'd start appreciating things like cold water and ice. That's what I'd start appreciating. And that's not a life I want to live.

Why? Why is it any different? Like, you're—

because I want to be able to be free. I want to be able to go to a lake and see, like, go to see a waterfall. I don't want to be in a— why am I— why are we— we're arguing about how great a person is.

You don't go to lakes. You don't go to Waterfalls, you don't wanna go anywhere. So don't fucking for a minute make that argument that you're like, don't be so cavalier with your decision, David, you're way beyond.

Because I wanna have the option. I have the option to do whatever I want right now.

And you don't do shit. You won't go to Las Vegas, you won't go anywhere but Vernon Hills, we've asked you a million times to go to Amsterdam, take the vlog to Las Vegas, you don't wanna. It's not the option, you're full of shit.

Yes it is.

You're full of shit that you would sit here and be like, oh, I wanna go to go see lakes. No, you aren't that kind of person. You'd be in jail. You wouldn't fucking take the death penalty. You're a pussy and you're an asshole and you're lying to your audience right now.

I am a pussy. That's why I would take the death penalty.

No, no, you wouldn't. You wouldn't. You would not. I think that's the pussy.

I guarantee you.

I guarantee you. Choke me out. I guarantee you.

I'm gonna get the death penalty after this. After this.

I guarantee you. You're so full of shit. I guarantee.

Are you out of your mind?

Let me talk. Let me talk. You want— no, no, you listen to me. You listen to me. You're a son of a bitch. I have the point to make here.

You're a fun of a bitch.

You're a fun of a bitch. Thank you, bitch. But you're lots of fun.

Listen, you want what you can't have. And the day I'm in prison, I'm gonna want to travel. I want to— I don't want that now because I can have it. I can go see other places.

I don't want that now because I can have it.

Yes, that's the opposite of what you want, what you can't have. If I'm in prison, it's gonna eat me up. That I can't go out and explore the world.

What about the opportunity of maybe breaking out of the prison? What about the chance that someone pardons you?

What? Too many movies, Jason.

That's not true. Break out of prison, people fucking— you don't know what's gonna happen. There could be an earthquake and the fucking prisoners escape. You are lying right now, and you're lying to your 14-year-old audience. I swear. I don't think— don't listen to him, kids. This guy's full of shit. Don't buy what he's saying. Choose life. He's lying, and I think you're lying about your class. I don't think your entire class was like, oh yeah, and if you did, have you watched— then it's because they're 16 and they don't know shit.

Have you watched Prison Break? No. Have you watched prison shows, like reality prison shows where they're in prison?

Prison Break? I've seen Prison Break.

All they do is lock up, they just fucking knit. They knit all goddamn day.

They knit.

Sometimes they go into a little cage and play basketball. Yeah, they're separated. Dude, it's a hell. There's no way I would want to live in a prison ever. Ever.

There's no way, dude. There's no way you would take the bullet.

You have to have balls to not take the bullet. You have to have balls to live in a prison.

You, you— I guarantee you, if the choice is presented to you— I know, I know for a fact all the factors, because there's so many factors that you just say things and you don't compute anything of the other factors. You don't compute your mom, you don't compute your dad, you don't compute Toby, you don't compute compute Sarah, you don't compute Esther, you don't compute Liza, you don't compute actually what maybe the chance of breaking out. And you just fucking say things to sound tough, and you don't— you're not fooling old Jason Nash, you fun of a bitch.

Jason, you dumbass. How, how is this making me sound tough? What's tough?

Because you're like, I'll take the bullet. You wouldn't think that at all.

I'm literally saying that I can't sit in a prison all day. Jason, this isn't, this is bizarre to me.

You wouldn't, you wouldn't say.

All right, fuck this. Hold on, you stay right here, son of a bitch.

Where you going? Todd!

Todd, come here and be the first guest on this podcast.

Oh, you asshole.

Come here. I am so sick and tired of you, Jason.

You're a lot, why? Because. You're sick and tired of me?

You're twisting what I'm. Todd, Todd, come here, come here, come closer. To this mic. Todd, if you— if someone came up to you and you're like, this is bullshit, this is bullshit, don't bring Todd in here.

You can have Todd say hello. Do not have him weigh on this shit. This is your ego fucking trying to get the right answer because you won't fucking listen to what I'm saying. If you're a real man, you'll fucking do this with me and you, you fucking asshole. Don't bring Todd in here. Who you pay by putting him in your vlogs.

I'll slap your dick off.

Smack me in the face. Don't bring Todd in here to get the fucking answer that you want.

Todd, answer this question. Todd, listen, Todd, if you're— if someone came up to you and they're like— hey, come closer to the mic, come here— if someone came up to you and they're like, Todd, now you, you have to go to prison for the rest of your life, or you can take the death penalty, what do you go with?

The death penalty. Why? Why? Because you don't wanna be in prison for the rest of your life.

Ex-fucking-lutely.

Exactly.

Todd, you're my new co-host.

Fuck that.

Get outta here.

Fuck that.

And Jason, Jason's over here.

Good, get me outta here.

Jason's over here trying to—

Fuck that, that you brought Todd in, that somehow that's a victory.

Jason's over here trying to tell me that you have to have balls to take the death penalty. How do you have to have balls to take the bullet?

I didn't say you have to have balls to take the death penalty. Those are your words. No. You said balls.

You're saying—

Ah, you said balls.

You're saying that I'm acting acting as if I have balls because I'd bite the bullet. I'd bite the bullet because I don't have balls to be in prison.

Correct.

Do you see this?

When you— when it comes down to it and the— and you have the gun going to your head to kill you, it's over, David. It's over. And that all this shit and everything, your hope and your dreams and everything in your life is going to be taken away. I find it hard to believe that you would fucking say, okay, kill me? I think it's different. I don't believe it for Jason because he has kids.

Yes, that's, that's what it could—

I don't believe it, dude.

I, I think anybody in their right mind that's, that's, that has that option would take the death penalty. And that's why I don't think it's a big— I don't think it's a big enough punishment because I would take it in an instant. And so would Todd. So would anybody I bring in here.

So what do you want to do to criminals that doesn't have kids?

I mean, put them in jail for as long as they can, dude. That's the scariest punishment. Being able to be in a room, being in confinement forever, do you know what that—

I just, I don't, I just don't think you can be that cavalier. It's also to answer that question because you don't believe in the afterlife.

I'm a pretty firm believer that if I die, something else happens. And this is just—

what about you? Are you religious? I'm not super religious, but I believe in the afterlife. Great. Well, all your friends think fucking 9/11 was an inside job too. There was a bunch of YouTube videos. You're all a bunch of assholes. Fucking millennial cunts. And you know what? Fuck all of you and get this shit. Well, go fucking read your text and be confused for the next 5 years about what people mean, and then go check your fucking tweets and get upset over the fact what people were tweeting about you, you social media spoiled douchebag cunts.

Okay, and you see why I think it's fun when we talk about things that we have no idea about. All right, well, that's it for today's podcast. Thanks for tuning in. Next week we're gonna talk about— I don't know what else is gonna piss Jason off. Please tweet me and tell me if you'd rather take the death penalty or life in prison. Yeah, cuz I'm curious, and I'm sure Jason's curious.

Yeah, that was the most— my Venmo is Jason Nash. No, I'm just kidding.

That was the most heated conversation I've ever had with Jason. Okay, all right, well, we're gonna go.

Okay, I love you, David.

Jason's gonna go bite the bullet.

It. What does that mean?

It doesn't mean anything. I'm kidding.

What does that mean?

Let's go buy our merch.

Um, yeah, Carmelita merch. Try to— hey, I got an idea. Oh, don't, don't shut me off yet.

Go.

I want to do live podcasts. We're going to do them. We're trying to get David to do them, so tweet David and tell him you want a live podcast in your city.

Yeah, if you guys want to watch a podcast live.

Yeah, because David's kind of like, I don't know if that's such a great idea.

I mean, I mean, I'm glad this conversation— if this was live, it could have derailed. It could have gone south.

That would have been great.

If we did what we just did. Brought Todd in. In life, like in real life.

If that was live, people would have started yelling stuff.

Yeah. Shut up!

They would have been like, shut up, Jason.

Or shut up, David. And guys, let me just say this. If you guys think Jason is wrong, please don't attack him. And I'm doing this to save myself too. We're completely two different people that have opinions that don't matter anyway. Other than this podcast.

Yeah. And, and, you know, yeah, whatever we say, actually, you can attack me, I don't care.

Yeah, whatever. Just don't live by what we say. If you can— if you ever have the option of the death penalty or life in prison, you choose for yourself.

I know, I know I'm gonna get some people on my side, and I know the types of people that are gonna be on my side. It's gonna be the real airy people, the people that are like, life is the best, there's always hope for prison. Those are my people, but like, Mannon Matthews types.

Okay, well, I support it, guys. Thanks for joining us for this podcast. I'm sorry it was so intense. We'll see you guys later. Bye.