Girls Grabbing David’s Ass

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast.

I just want to start off by saying, David, that I ran 6 miles today. 3 miles up a hill, took a break, and then did another 3 miles around Mulholland.

You did not run 6 miles.

I re—

you, you traveled 6 miles.

I—

yes, you drove, you drove here from Anaheim and that was about 6 miles. There's no way you ran 6 miles.

I ran walk. Walked.

How long does it take you to travel 6 miles?

4 hours.

4 hours. And 3 hours of it was me waiting for my Uber. Hey guys, this is the Views Podcast. I'm David. That's Jason. I got his name wrong actually right before we started the podcast.

Straight out, actually, I'm mad at you. I was running my 3 miles today around my home, run walking. Yeah, mostly, mostly walking.

Why are you mad at me?

I'm mad at you today because I was like, things have gotten so bad and I spent so much time with— like, I was— I literally thought like, I can't believe he let me get like this.

Oh, like you're— you like your weight?

Yeah, I can't believe you let me get this big. I was like mad at you. I was like, you know what?

And you know, as you're panting on the hill, fuck David, this fat is because of him.

I was like And you know what? He just loves making the jokes off me. So he didn't say anything. But a real friend would have been like, would have pulled me aside. And Natalie too, and been like, look, bud, the jokes are actually not getting funny anymore.

What's that? You should lose the weight. What's that? What's that kid's book where like that the witch or everybody poops? Is that Hansel? No. Is that Hansel and Gretel where like there's someone in an oven and she's fattening him up so she can eat him?

That's what you are. You're a feeder.

That's like me and you. I've fatten you up. So I can vlog, therefore I eat.

You do that thing too when you get candy. Just try it, just try it, just try it. One piece, one piece, not gonna do anything.

I love making you eat candy.

Yeah, it's awful.

So this is my third day today was with my trainer.

Oh wow.

Yeah, I'm really—

Third in four weeks? Third?

Wow. Yeah, right out there, right out here.

We do a bunch of stuff. He makes me do push-ups. He made me do push-ups on my knees, and I was like, dude, I'm not doing push-ups on my knees. And then I started doing the push-ups and I couldn't fucking finish.

I've been in that same boat. I'm not doing girl push-ups. They used to call those girl push-ups. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, um, they're, um, um, yeah, so I was doing the push-ups, whatever, and then our session ends at 11:30, and it was like 11. He's like, it's 11:11, make a wish. And I go, I wish it was 11:30. And then he goes and I wish you'd stop being such a bitch. Fuck.

What's he like?

He's really nice. Yeah, but like sometimes he'll like throw in like those actual like trainer quotes. Like the other— we were doing high knees and he like stopped me because I wasn't doing them correctly. And he's like, dude, you're embarrassing me. If Natalie looks out that window right now, it's going to make me look bad. It's going to make me look bad if you don't lift your knees higher. I'm like, okay, fuck. So like, he's really, really nice. And then he'll completely catch you off guard and he'll be like, why are you being such a little bitch? So it's— he's like, yeah, he's— no, he's really good. I really do like him.

Yeah, man, if you get a— if you get a buff body, dude, imagine I get ripped.

I want it. Only you were talking about that with someone last night. Who are you talking about?

You're bragging a little bit about your trainer that you've been 3 times. I've gone for 5 months.

You have?

I know, and nothing's happened.

They don't work.

I was talking to a guy today.

You've been training for 5 months?

Yeah.

Oh, Jason, you, you're literally discouraging me so much. Are you serious? You've been with your trainer for 5 months?

Yeah.

What does he train you how to bake stuff? You guys, you guys going out to lunch? What are you guys doing? What are you doing with your trainer? Are you fucking serious?

I think he's having me do like heavy weight too much. Like, I—

yes, there's, there's definitely heavy weight involved.

Fuck, David, it's— I'm old. I used to be able to get in shape really quick.

Yeah, you were in great shape like 4 years ago, like immaculate shape, like shape I will never be able to get to in my life.

I know.

And I don't know what happened.

I was in love. I don't know if I was in love with somebody. That was why I got in really good shape. That's the only way I can get in shape.

What is this? This isn't the same. You're not, you're not as passionate about me as you were with your ex-lover. No, I feel like it. I mean, penis stuff, it definitely helps me that you are out of shape, and it helps you too.

Makes you feel good?

No, I mean, no one would, no one would, no one would watch like us if you were in shape. Yeah, imagine if I was, if you were my co-host and you were like a buff 45-year-old, that doesn't work.

Joe Rogan's buff. Yeah, he kills it.

Yeah, but Joe Rogan's like smart. Joe Rogan has like other things going for him.

Yeah, I know. So, so maybe I should just quit. Wait, wait, wait, we were on something good that I asked you.

It was about—

I interrupted you.

It was about the trainer.

Yeah, I can't remember what it was.

You were bragging about me.

Oh, last night. Yeah, so you started to brag a little bit and then Jack and I were like We were like, oh man, if he gets buff, he's fucking— it's over. Your ego is going to be through the roof.

I only brag about my trainer because he's been here for 2 days. Like yesterday. Oh my God. I was— I got done training and I couldn't even make it to my room. I knocked out right here and I slept for 3 hours because I was so sore from my training. Oh, also, yeah. Now he thinks I'm such a bitch.

Oh, really?

Yeah. She thinks I'm a little wimp. We went— the party we went to was actually really, really fun last night.

Yeah. Did your trainer say anything about the Chipotle?

Yeah, he said, he said at one point, I'm going to ask you to start eating more. Oh, and I was like, great, let's do that today. You don't have to wait for that. Let's fucking go handle that now. Um, no, he said that your boy is fine. The party we were at was really fun last night. It was— there's a lot—

super fun.

There was a lot of like really cool people.

I finally got invited to like a— yeah, okay, classy party.

It was like, it was like a classy Hollywood party. So it was like people like Kimmel and like all these like— yeah, like people people that have been in Hollywood for a while that have like built a good name for themselves. Sure, really respectable people. And there was this guy who like, he was one of the people that run Comedy Central, and he, and he saw Jason in the kitchen. And I don't remember his name, but Jason goes, oh my God! And he goes, Jason! And, and me watching it, I was like, I was watching it from like across the room. I thought it was so interesting because to me what it felt like was that guy that was ahead at Comedy Central was like Oh my God, I can't believe Jason made it to one of these parties. Like, I know that's what was going through his head because I know at one point, like, him and Jason were like equals, maybe at like a comedy club.

No, never equal.

Oh, never equal.

He wasn't a stand-up. Oh, okay. Kent Alterman.

Yeah.

Which, by the way, he's going to hear this and be like, I think it's so funny. No, that's not what he was thinking. But go ahead.

I know that's not a funny story. I know that's not what he was thinking, but it is true.

He did have a little thing in his eye like, He was surprised to see you at this party. I was surprised that I was at the party. When I walked in, I gave my name and I was like, I was expecting them to be like, nope. And then they let me right in. They let you in. Couldn't believe it.

We were at another party the other day. Well, we went to a nightclub.

God, our lives must sound so interesting.

Oh yeah, I know. We've been partying. Well, because here's the thing, like, that's what we like when we shoot. We have to go out and party, but we don't party. You're—

party means you drink. Oh yeah, we don't party.

We don't party. We attend.

Although I did have 8 shots of tequila.

You're drunk as fuck. We went to—

why are you I sleep great on 8 shots. I never slept so good on 8 shots of tequila.

We went to, um, a nightclub, and you know how like people stand on the, on like the seats of the nightclub? Yeah, like they're like— I was standing there and I was just like, I feel like 90% of the nightclubs, people just stand and watch other people, and I'm part of that 90%. Only a little— only a few amount of people actually like watch. Yeah, or dance. Yeah, so I was standing there and there was these like 10 or 15 girls behind me that like were trying to get my attention. So I like turned around, I took a picture with them. It was great, it was fun, they were nice. And then I turned back, and like 2 minutes later they were still trying to get my attention, but I was like talking to my friends. And then they started grabbing my ass, like they started like squeezing my butt.

Whoa.

Like, it was like I felt like once, and then I felt it twice, and then like, and I could, and then I could feel more and more hands like touching my butt. And I turned around, I was like, guys, please stop touching my ass. And, and like right when I turned around, all of them were like, oh my God, like, like like they didn't want to get caught. And then I turned back around, and once again they fucking went back to grabbing my ass.

Wow.

And I turned around, I was like, guys, please stop touching my butt.

Why wouldn't you let them touch your butt?

Because it— because I had like— I had my— my pockets were full, so I was scared that they were like also pickpocketing me. Like I had my wallet in my back, so I was like really scared.

Take your wallet out and stick your butt out.

And then the second time I turned around, when I was like, please don't touch my butt again, this one of the girls snaps and she goes, guys, stop fucking touching his butt! He's a And like, I could tell that that was probably the girl that was touching my ass. She just didn't want to— like, she just didn't want me to think that it was her. And then I turn around and once again they're touching my ass. And this time I can feel like, like a couple girls taking two fingers and like poking it right into my asshole. And like, it wasn't like— it wasn't as like gross as you would think. It was like a quick jab at my butthole, and it felt so weird. I was just like, I have to go, I have to go. And so I turn around and I turn around and I went, I'm leaving. Are you guys happy now? And I just walked away.

Did they laugh?

No, they seemed really stressed out, even though I was just kidding. But I did leave because I was getting— they penetrate your butt because I don't really know if they penetrate because I was wearing jeans, but it was definitely going in the right direction. Definitely.

Like, like if they had a— they hit it, they hit the bullseye.

If they had a laser. Yeah, they went through my jeans. Yeah, it would have been right up there. Like no questions asked. Speaking of no questions asked, if you're coming up with a website and you want to make a website, Squarespace is the way to go. The future is— the future is coming. Make it brighter with Squarespace. By using Squarespace, you can use this beautiful template design to turn your cool idea into a new website. Sorry guys, I can't read. Showcase your work, blog, blog or publish content, announce an upcoming event or special project and more. Squarespace does this by giving you beautiful templates created by world-class designers, 24/7 award-winning customer support, Nothing to patch or upgrade ever. Free and secure hosting. Guys, if you're ever thinking about possibly starting your own website, Squarespace is the way to do it. And if you head to squarespace.com/views, you get a free trial. When you're ready to launch, use the offer code views to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Guys, Squarespace, the best way to create a website. Squarespace.com/views for 10% off.

John was lighting you up last night. John?

Oh yeah, John Stamos.

Oh yeah.

Oh my God, he was so—

Dumbo.

He called me Dumbo. What does that mean? He called me Dumbo? Yeah. The fuck does that mean?

We were dying.

What?

What? Can I tell you something?

What?

It feels so good being John Stamos's friend. I mean, maybe I'm not even a friend yet, but it feels so good when John— when you walk into that party and John Stamos goes, Jason, it's Oh, you know what's crazy? Heaven.

You'll love this. He's texted me for your number twice now.

What?

And I keep forgetting to give it to him because the first time—

You fucking dick! I hate you!

The first time I thought he was kidding, and then the second time I was in such shock that I would just like put the text away.

Oh my God.

No, no, no. I've genuinely just forgotten. No, but he's— John is like these— like, dude, we went to the party where I said there was like a lot of Hollywood people.

I want to do pigeon games.

Well, he was— he was so nice. Yeah, he introduced me to everybody.

Yeah.

And it gave me so much more credibility that John Stamos was like, like my, my dad at this party.

Yeah.

Oh my God.

Yeah. He's lighting you up, though. It's funny.

What does Dumbo mean? Just like, you know, because Dumbo, Dumbo had superpowers. So I don't see how that's bad. And everyone loved Dumbo. Dumbo could fly.

Oh, how about moron?

Oh, okay. He called me a moron.

No, he didn't call you a moron. No, because we shot with him for like 3 hours, and he went to our manager and he was like, he's like, like, I was with this guy for 3 hours the other day, shot some great stuff. Summon the heavens, stop tour buses for this guy. Because he did. Yeah, he really did. Like, yeah, I mean, you stop at tour buses, he was doing bits, he was talking to everybody.

Summon the heavens. Yeah, so we shot with John, it was for like 4 hours. 4 or 5 hours, right?

I don't think it was that long.

It was 3 hours. Okay, so it was like 3 hours. And, and yeah, he was talking to our manager. He's like, I shot with David for 3 hours and he used 25 seconds of it in his fucking—

yeah, he goes, and then Dumbo over there barely uses any clips. And then right when he said Dumbo, you walked in.

Oh, that's so funny.

Yeah, yeah, it feels so good.

John's great. It does feel good. Oh, this is just us bragging about all of you listening. At home, have no fucking idea. No, no, it's crazy.

It's like really, especially for me, because like I've been to parties where I've seen him before.

Oh yeah.

And like, and been like, oh my God, that's John Stamos. And not, you know, not had the balls to go talk to him. Or what would I say?

Even John Stamos is like the most relatable, like super big celebrity, kind of like the, almost the mayor of Hollywood, you know. That's a good way.

He kind of knows everybody.

Yeah, he's not the biggest actor. He's not Chris Pratt. But he's still John Stamos. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know how to explain it. I don't know. Okay, we've— I hope he doesn't listen to this because he'll be, he'll be too excited about all the compliments we just made.

So there you go. There's— there, John, 3 minutes in the podcast.

John, that's what we're making up for not using any of the footage. Um, what else happened? Oh, oh, this is what I want to talk about. Have you ever, have you ever done like barbecues?

Oh yeah, barbecue is the best.

First of all, I don't know how to barbecue, and I don't know— is that— when did you learn how to barbecue?

Uh, probably like right when I got married.

Why is it that all the grown people in my life, even like about the age of 20, 25, all know how to barbecue? Like, I'm the only one that doesn't know how to work a grill. But like, my dad knows. My dad's great at it. Apparently you're good at it.

I'm okay. It's pretty easy. Yeah, it's also because it's very easy. You turn the grill on, you salt the meat.

I've never done it down. I'm sure I can do it, but it's just like— but, but men pride themselves so much in it.

You know what it is? Barbecue is great because it's— there's, you know, the couples come over to the house when you're married, and the barbecue is a chance the men go outside.

Oh, I love that.

Yeah. And it's very hard to, um—

oh, that's my favorite. That's my favorite. When there's like a couple, when there's like an event where like couples are there.

Yeah.

I fucking love when the men split up from the women.

Yeah.

I, I find there's something so like heartwarming about it. Yeah, it's like, it's like, oh, look at this. Like, they're there.

My favorite moment is when I go out to the grill and it's just unspoken.

Yeah.

And then my friend Jeff will just grab a beer, come out there, and there's no talking at all.

Just stand there.

Just the sound of the sizzle. And then maybe like a, you know, like a swig of the beer.

Yeah.

And then eventually it's like, I got to get out of this fucking marriage. That's the best. Which, by the way, a lot of the guys say, and they're still married.

Sure.

But they, you know, they say it.

You said that for a while.

They say it to me. They say to me a lot, they'll be like, what's it like? How's it—

how is it?

Is it fucking incredible? Oh, wow. Just incredible.

Really? People ask you that?

Oh, my close friends. Yeah. Every time I see them and I go, I go, no, it's not. It's, it's, it's pretty shitty, you know? Oh wow, I mean, way better than being married. But no, I always tell them like, I'll stay with your wife.

No, I love, I love that. And like, in like, I don't know what it is about, like, there's something about the men splitting up with the women that make me feel like everyone's a lot closer to each other.

We can do that here if you want.

I just think it's so cool. It's like, oh, guys being dudes, girls being girls.

Yeah.

And my favorite, my favorite is like when there's like two guys at the grill.

Yeah.

And then their wives are inside, maybe drinking chardonnay or preparing the food there.

Yeah.

And like, they're just— I don't know, that's what they drink. Older women love—

no, literally, La Crema is what my ex-wife used to get. It's a chardonnay.

I love like when the women are like, are staring at like the guys, like, like out the window, out the window. And like maybe the women start talking shit about him, like, yeah, he's a fucking real asshole, but I'm keeping around for the sake of our children.

Yeah.

And like they're just out there, they're talking shit about the women.

Yeah.

I don't know I don't know what it is, but it's like there's something so real about it.

It's a really funny scene in a movie, just the men talking shit.

There's so many movies about that. Yeah, there's so many movies where there's— I don't know, that's why I love it.

It's also— it's all great interactions of like, is it done? There's a lot of conversations like, what do you think? Take a look. Yeah, you know, you gotta see. Is it done?

Is it done?

Yeah, looks good, looks good. Think that's done. Take that off.

Also, I want to leave my wife. Um, is it done? Because I sure as hell am. Coachella's coming up.

Oh man, that's a tough one for me. You're planning—

see, I thought it was— I thought it was a tough one for you. Last time we went, we were in it together. We both, we both fucking hated it. I like Coachella, but it's just, it's so much. Yeah, that like I have a hard— like it's hard to work there. You can't get work done at Coachella. Yeah, and I thought we were on this. I was so happy you were there because I'm like, hell yes, like all our friends are having a good time. And now I have Jason to mope around with and be a little fucking bitch. And I don't want to mope around my friends. I don't want to ruin anybody's time. But now Jason's there.

You're more than willing to ruin my time.

And now Jason's there. I'm like, yes, I'm going to— me and Jason are going to have a horrible time together. And I leave for like 5 minutes and I come back and fucking— I don't know what happened to Jason. All of a sudden the dude's fucking high on Molly. Oh, whoa.

I don't remember that.

Yeah, you do.

And I mean, I thought you were high on Molly.

Me going to piss was Molly.

That was the night that a bunch of people did Molly, and I thought you were on Molly, but you weren't acting like you were on Molly.

No, I wasn't.

I was confused because you were just lying down. You were.

But then I found out you weren't actually on Molly because you took it, but because you drank someone's water bottle. Inside the water bottle was Molly. But this left me alone to where you were having— you were literally running around, you're like, this is beautiful. Like, that's what you kept saying. You kept saying how beautiful everything was, and I was just sitting there. I was like, oh no, you're focusing on— you know what I felt like? I felt like there was like a bunch of zombies around me and you got bit. That was the only— and I was the only one left. I was like, fuck, they're all— they're all— they're all taken by the disease.

You're focusing on the negative. You're not mentioning the 2 hours that we shot with those kids.

Oh no, it was great. No, I—

and then the good walk, the walk we had before I dosed myself with Molly.

Also just being like a pessimist about it. Coachella is actually fun if you can— if you go with the right people, it's a great time.

Careful which water you drink.

Yeah, be careful. Just be careful, especially when someone goes, hey, this is Molly, Jason, do you want some? Then, then don't—

water. I'd love some water.

No, but I knock on Coachella a lot, but that's just because I'm like— I like knocking on things.

I can't do that anymore. Coachella is great.

No, this year I want to get a— I want to get a pass to shoot. And I want to make a fun montage at Coachella. Like, I want to like actually work at Coachella. I'm so excited for that.

That's fun.

When you let me bring my camera into place, I am so happy. Yeah, I'm so happy because my friends have such a good time at Coachella, and the one thing I want to do is to be able to document that time, right? Like, I feel like that's like—

you can't get big— you can't get DSLRs in there.

No, you can't get a little camera.

It's always a thing when we hang out. David will be like, Jace, leave your camera here. If we're going somewhere important, I'll be like, all right, I'll leave my camera.

Yeah, because the cameras are too big and we look like Fucking idiots.

Yeah, I brought mine last night and you turn it on.

Yeah, and a woman came right up to us and she goes, I'm a little nervous about those cameras. You were there, remember?

No, I wasn't there for that.

She was like, I'm a little nervous about those cameras. We're really, we're really particular about pictures here. Oh, I was like, oh, don't worry, I'm not gonna take pictures.

Okay, that's weird because the phone is the same quality.

Yeah, I hate when people do that. I was like, don't worry, I'm not taking any pictures. And I go, only videos. And she gave me the dirtiest look. She did not like that joke at all. But no, guys, last week we didn't have any ads. So this week we're really kicking it in. We have 3.

We're blessed this week.

We're very lucky.

Thank you, ad gods. Thank you.

Thank you, ad gods. Getting tickets online can be far too complicated with hundreds of sites and varying levels of reliability. It's hard to know who to trust. I think Jason just realized his stomach has been out the entire time and we're doing video.

Literally, this is the time in the show where I do take a little break while you're reading, and I just was like Shit, Jason just realized his stomach has been out.

I didn't want to say anything because this is our first time we're recording video, so I wanted to give the people something to like look at or something to have them switch off the video. Um, no, okay, let me get back to the SeaGeek.

Sorry, SeaGeek.

Um, that's why SeaGeek is the way to go. SeaGeek pulls millions of tickets into one place. You can easily find the seats you want for a price you're willing to pay. There's nothing quite like being there in person. And SeatGeek will get you closer to the action for great value. Guys, SeatGeek is great. We use it all the time. He uses it to buy tickets for my kids. I use it for my videos. They actually help me out with my videos. Um, they— they're a lot— the people at SeatGeek are great people, and that's why I also love the app, because it's so easy to buy tickets, and I know the people behind it are genuine cool people. Um, every purchase is fully guaranteed, so you can shop for tickets on SeatGeek with confidence. Guys, best of all, our listeners get $10 off their first SeatGeek purchase. Just download the SeatGeek app and enter promo code VIEWS today. That's promo code VIEWS for $10 off your first SeatGeek purchase. Guys, I'm serious. If you need to buy tickets to a game, concert, any kind of event, go to SeatGeek. SeatGeek. Life's an event. We have the tickets. Thank you, SeatGeek. Also, since I threw you under the bus with the whole Molly thing—

No need to say it again. I know what you're talking about. Go ahead.

No, no, no, I want to bring up— I want to bring up my Coachella experience. I've never actually talked about this, but, but I feel like who cares? I am— huh?

Sounds like a story we're gonna cut.

No, I am— so I met Snoop Dogg. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I met Snoop Dogg at Coachella. It was me, Ilya, and Alex, and I went there because I needed to film something with him. So we were like in a private room with Snoop Dogg, was like his hotel room. And he lights up a joint and— or a blunt, I don't know. He smokes only one of those. I don't know which one it is. So he lights up the blunt and he starts smoking it immediately when we get there. That's just, you know, that's— he's always high. I don't know. I don't know how he does it, but he's always high. And he offers me a hit and like, this is fucking crazy to me. Like, this is like big, right?

Yeah, like, sure, like everybody wants to smoke with Snoop Dogg.

Even your mother. Oh, even your mother would—

my mother wouldn't say no to Snoop Dogg. It's pretty much, if you're like, if you ask like 100 people who would you want to smoke with, what celebrity? Yeah, they would say Snoop Dogg.

Snoop Dogg. Yeah, Snoop Dogg is the person to smoke with. Yeah, so he offered us a hit of his like weed and I was like, I didn't— it was, it was I think like noon, so it was like the middle of the day. So I'm like, I know this is gonna fuck up my day. I don't ever smoke. I smoke like once every like 4 or 6 months and it's like really light. Like it'll be like a pen or something.

Yeah.

And I was like, I can't, I can't do this, I can't do this. But like, but you can't say no.

Sure.

So I hit it and, and then, and then my— and then Ilya, who doesn't, who doesn't smoke, didn't hit it. And then Alex also didn't hit it because he was like sober, so he didn't want to do it. And I was the only one high. And I just remember, I just remember driving like back to Coachella. It was like 40 minutes of a drive back from where the party was. And I was just stoned out of my mind, and I was just— I put on Snoop Dogg's music, and I was just in the fucking convertible like, yeah, yeah! Like, I was, I was so— I was like a little fuck.

It's about to go wild.

Yeah, I was singing along to his songs, and I didn't know what the fucking lyrics were, but I was pretending I knew him because I was like, I was like on cloud nine. I was literally—

I was so— in that— and then in Palm Springs, like, how beautiful it is, right, in the daytime with the palm trees.

Oh my God, dude, it was— it, it felt like I was on a different planet. I feel like Like, I just left smoking with Snoop Dogg and I'm— and I went back to my friends and like all our friends knew that I was shooting with Snoop Dogg, right? And like the first question they asked me were like, did you smoke with him? And I went, yes. And they went, are you fucking serious? It was the most exciting thing. They were like, did you smoke with him? I was like, look at my eyes.

I love that you guys get excited about stuff.

Oh my God, I'm so excited. I'm such a sucker for things like that.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm a sucker for like anything that I've ever seen in my childhood. So Snoop Dogg I've seen in my childhood. Yeah, you know, my teachers. I'm still obsessed with my teachers.

I don't think you'll ever be jaded.

What do you mean?

I don't think you'll ever be jaded.

Like I'll never get old of it?

Yeah, I don't think you'll ever be jaded. Like I'm jaded. I'm old and jaded. Oh, do you not know the word jaded?

Ugly?

No, jaded. Like I'm like, uh, fuck it, stupid.

Oh no, I won't be.

You'll never be. I don't seem like you will, but I know some of your other friends will that are your age.

I mean, I've had— I've had the I've been in this house for so long and every day I'm still like confused as to like how crazy this house looks.

Yeah.

No, I won't be jaded just because I, I'm still so surprised. Like even when I meet like a celebrity that like I don't really know anything about, I'm always like so like, oh my God, I'm such a fanboy. Holy shit. Yeah, I can't get that out of my system. I don't think I ever will.

Last night was— that was why I asked. That was cool.

Last night was fun. It's fun. It's fun when you interact. I love seeing you interact with people that you used to know.

Yeah, yeah. You like that?

Yeah, it's so funny. You like that? Why'd you say it like that?

I don't know, because it's weird.

You like that?

It's weird for me. Oh, it's so great because every conversation is like, so what the fuck do you do now?

Oh yeah, yeah.

And I'm like, oh well, and then I have to explain it. And then after I explain it, they don't seem very impressed. And then I'm like, okay, it's tough.

You say— do you, do you tell people you're a YouTuber?

Yeah, I say I do YouTube and I have to explain every step of it. Okay, so they— YouTube pays you. I hate that you're on contract with them.

It's so tough because you don't want to say— you don't want to say YouTuber, and you don't want to say anything else, right? You definitely don't want to say you're like a producer of content or something, you know what I mean?

I just say I make YouTube videos. That's all I say. And then if they ask, they ask.

I say I'm— I say I'm an influencer or like a content creator, but they all sound so lame. Yeah, they're all just horrible. But I guess if I said actor, I That'd be dumb too, right? If I said I'm an actor, people would look at me like, you're a fucking idiot. You're not— I don't know who you are. You're not an actor. You know what I mean? It's, it's all— it, it doesn't like— and if you say you're a musician also, that's not cool unless you're actually like a— but you know, at these parties, you know, many parties I've been to, people come up to me and they're like, I'm an actor. I'm like, okay, you're trying to act like that's what you're trying to do, right? So, you know, I mean, yeah, there's nothing you can say in the entertainment industry that makes you look cool unless the person already knows who you are.

Hey, you know what irks me?

What irks you?

When, when people ask you to lunch. Oh yeah, it's the worst.

I hate that. God, it's like, because it's like, why can't you tell me what you want now?

Tell me. Yeah, exactly. Tell me now. It's so— don't need to go to lunch.

Sometimes my manager Jack Reed will call me and he'll go, hey, can you hop on a call at 1? And I'm like, no, I'm on here now. Yeah, what do you need to talk about?

Right.

Like, that's so weird. The business world is— I mean, that's how businesses work, but it's just—

yeah, they have schedules.

Just call me.

They have calls at 1, calls at 1:30, calls at 2.

Guys, the next segment of the podcast is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast. It's where we give our friend— our guy— no, he's our friend. Our friend 25 seconds to say whatever he wants in return for editing our podcast. And we're live in 5, 4, 3.

What's up, weenies?

It's your boy. Why is that funny? Because they're seeing you for the first time, a lot of people. Oh yeah, people don't know what I look like.

So here at the JTWP, we're always trying to change lives, and I got an email from someone very special named Matthew Morosky. He's a senior in high school who lives in Connecticut, and he wanted me on Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast to propose to his girlfriend Talia. So Talia, Will you marry?

And that's all the time. Was that fucking real?

Oh, I read it wrong.

You read it wrong.

It was. It was a promposal, not proposal.

Okay. Will you go to prom with who?

Talia. I'm so sorry, Talia and Matt. I read that wrong. It's just for prom, not a wedding.

She starts crying.

That was the best teeny weeny yet.

That was good.

That was a good teeny weeny.

That's how you should use your time. That was great.

I read that wrong.

That's okay.

You're—

I know you're an idiot. No. Well, that's pretty cool.

Someone got a prom date just now.

Well, maybe. Maybe someone just got asked to prom.

And you used, "It's Joe to ask me." Ew. Gross.

The email asked for all three, but I didn't want to give you guys the pleasure.

No, that was— that was really cool. I'm excited for this person. Have you ever been asked to prom? Have you ever been asked to dance?

There's a Sadie Hawkins dance.

Oh yeah, were you asked to that?

Yeah, I got asked to one of those.

By who?

Somebody that I wasn't—

so, you know, are you making a person up?

Karen Microphone? No, I got asked by somebody and it wasn't like— she was great, but I wasn't like romantically looking for that, so it would seem like a whole waste. To be like, I had to go get the corsage and her dad drove us. And oh, what's that thing that you like take off the girl's like leg? Oh, that's when you get married.

That's weird.

Garter belt.

Those are weird.

Yeah. Do you think you'll ever get married?

Um, I don't know, but those are really weird. They'll stress me out. I'm like starting to tear up.

I don't know. You're such a—

those are so weird. I always used to like look at those and I was like, why are they doing that in front of everybody?

Oh yeah, I agree. Actually, I agree. I agree. That is so strange to do that in front of everybody. It's like an old thing. I know people do that in front of like—

okay, so there's this thing when you get married is like you go up the woman's dress and you like, right, like on her upper thigh, there's like a bracelet around her thigh.

Yeah.

And you have to pull it off.

Yeah.

Which is like fucking weird because her parents are right there. I don't know why that just makes me not— it doesn't sit right with me.

I've seen, I've seen that and I've seen the dad of the bride be like, Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, I was gonna say, why did I fucking think you're being serious? Is that— did you do that at your wedding?

No, I think that's an old thing that people don't do anymore.

Do people still fucking do it?

I like when people have synchronized dances.

Those are great.

That's great.

Those are great, but those are really tough.

You gotta work on it.

That's a lot of fucking pressure.

I went to a cool wedding a couple weeks ago. It was really fun.

How was it? Did they have a synchronized dance?

No, but they had a little— they was just really nice, nice people. It made me want to go. They did.

They take off the fiberator out right there. Fucking gross. I mean, like, that's, that's what it felt like because I'd watch it as a kid. Like, I'd watch these weddings as a kid. I'd be like, this is so weird. Like, this is— you know what's also weird?

Maybe it was a Slovakian thing.

You know what's also really weird is that families are strangers. Isn't that weird thing to think about?

Go on.

That like you— this is like you and your ex-wife were strangers, but, but now you're a family. Yeah, that's so weird to think about. Yeah, like my parents were strangers, but then they were fam— they're my mom and dad. Like those are two people that are my mom and dad, but they didn't know each other at one point. That's such a weird thing to think about. Yeah, do I sound crazy or does that make sense?

No, sometimes I think that about my kids and they're like, these guys are strangers. No, like, oh no, they're my kids.

No, no, that, that's, that's different.

I'm having a very hard time, like, placing my kids correctly in my brain.

Like how important they are to you?

Yeah. What do you— what, like too important? Like I'm having a— like the other day I made up this lie to go over to Marnie's house. I didn't make up a lie. I got my computer fixed and, and it's a Big Mac, and I was like, I'm gonna And then when I got there, I was like, I'm gonna give this to the kids. And I'm like, I'll bring it now so it'll give me a reason to go over there.

Oh my god, Jace.

So then I texted Marty. I'm like, I, I have the computer for the kids, for, you know, to give them the— my old computer because the other one in the office doesn't work. And she was like, okay, I guess bring it over. So then I like brought it over, and then when I got there, I was like, oh, my sister's wedding is on that computer. I can't give it to them yet because I got to get that off there. Then I went inside. Charlie was gone, and Wyatt was literally— couldn't talk to me because he had so much homework.

So you, you were going to bring him over an actual—

sorry, I made up an excuse to go over there.

Yeah, I mean, it's—

you're baffled by this. You don't know what to say. You're actually sad for me.

It is kind of sad.

It's not like I want to get back with my ex-wife, but I'm like, I do— like, I feel like I'm not— when I'm not there I'm like, I'm like a piece of shit.

Like, your kids are— yeah, but that's not the case.

But it's also like, I wish I was the dad that like got home at 7 and was like, let's watch The Office. Or like, they're really into The Office right now, so they sit and watch The Office.

So funny.

But like, no, I'm not there to watch it with them. It sucks.

So funny how they're into The Office, but they both still call you Daddy. I think that's a really weird combination.

I don't kiss him on the lips.

I love The Office. Me and my daddy watch it.

We—

I had the kids over the other night, they stayed at my place, and then I was talking to Marnie and I was like, I was like, so yeah, we're just hanging out, like, if you want to, like, you know, come over, go get ice cream. She was like, I'm good. She's like, I think I'm gonna just—

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It's a little long.

That felt like a long time.

Good for ButcherBox though. They need it. It's a grill season. They got to get their meat out there. I mean, it's worth it.

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They got their money's worth, I hope.

If I wrote this ad, I would be like, do you guys want meat delivered straight to your door? Use ButcherBox. It's the fucking best.

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That's it. That's what I would have done. Yeah, well, maybe that would have gotten the point.

They probably know what they're doing.

Well, now we're just gonna— now we're just gonna— yeah, they probably know what they're doing.

I mean, they probably know what makes people buy meat if they're in the meat business. You're not in the meat business.

Correct.

You're in the content business.

Very good.

Yeah. Um, Oh, you know what happened?

What?

Um, we were talking about this guy last week, Garth Temple. Yeah, he was the guy in my high school who was, um, just didn't give a fuck.

He like slacked off. He didn't give— yeah, I remember.

And he was like, he was pretty tough.

He would write like fuck off on tests and stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, um, I got a Facebook message from Garth Temple.

Oh, get the fuck out.

Yeah, and it, it started out, it's like, hey, my daughter said you were talking about me on the podcast.

Oh shit.

'Just want to let you know I am not a fuck-up anymore. I actually have a really great job and a family.' So I was like reading it, I was like, 'Oh fuck, oh boy.' But then the last sentence was, 'And I thought that shit was hilarious, dude.' Oh really?

Yes, I fucking knew it. I told you, I told you he's gonna have a good job.

I know you did say that. I can't believe Garth Temple pulled it out.

It's all those kids that don't give a fuck end up, end up figuring it out. Yeah, it's the lazy kids, like Bill Gates said. Give jobs to the lazy people because they always find an easier way to do it.

I mean, there was 10 other kids in my class just like Garth Temple. You know what I mean?

Fair enough. All right, well, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thanks for listening. Garth Temple. Make sure you guys like and subscribe. Tweet me @DavidDobrik and we'll see you guys.

Go see my stand-up show April 7th at the Improv in Irvine, California. You guys later. Stand-up comedy. Bye, guys.

My name's Jeff.