Forgetting to Wear Underwear In Front of My Boss

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. Jay, I did something really, really stupid.

What'd you do?

You're not gonna like it.

You had a bunch of— a bunch of fast food really late.

I'm gonna start the sentence, you finish it.

I gave Jonah $100,000. Yeah.

For his movie.

Yeah.

No, you didn't.

Yeah.

Did you really?

I don't—

yeah. How did you know?

It was the only thing that Joe would want from you, to get his movie, movie done.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Wow.

Well, we should have a quick moment of silence for that $100K. Not that the movie won't be great, but it's hard for movies to make their money back.

Yeah, I was talking to one of my actresses actress friends.

Yeah.

And I was like, yeah. She's like, what did you do today? And I was like, I invested in a movie for my buddy. And she goes, have you ever invested in a movie before? And I'm like, first one. She goes, good luck.

No.

Yeah, but he's confident in the fact that I'll get it back. That I'll get it back.

Very sure.

And this isn't knocking Jonah, right? This is— okay, so I'll tell you what happened.

No, it's not knocking Jonah.

He's been wanting this money for a while, right? He told me he got this actor, this big actor. I'm not going to say who.

Yep. I know who it is.

Yeah. Attached to the movie. You know the actor, right?

Yes.

Okay. But we can't say it. No, it's completely spoil it.

Yeah.

I was like, there's no way you got this guy. It's not happening. It's bullshit. Every time he brings up the movie, I go, shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear about it because Jonah's full of shit.

Yes.

100% of the time.

Yeah.

So yesterday he took the Zoom call with the actor in my home.

Wow.

And the actor was on the other line. I could not believe it. I couldn't believe it. I even looked, I checked. I'm like, that's actually him.

Wasn't a double?

I don't know.

Wasn't a lookalike?

I mean, it's so easy to fake things nowadays. I don't know if it was a prank on me, but it was full-blown. He finishes the call. The actor— basically, it's Jonah and his producers on this call. This is a movie Jonah wrote and is acting in. Jonah's starring in it.

David, it was me in prosthetics dressed as Vin Diesel.

Yeah, it was me.

I didn't tell you. So it's Jonah on the call pitching it to this actor to be his co-star in the film. Like a real, a real movie. Sure.

Um, have you read the script?

No. Oh, and Jonah's like, and Jonah's team is like, okay, so are you in?

Yeah.

And the actor's like, if you guys are real, I'm in.

And they're like, if they're like, and if you're real, if you're really the person.

I think everybody on that call, yeah, was equally as shocked, was equally as shocked that the other person was on the call because Jonah does not seem like a guy who's You know, forking up a lot of money for this movie, right? And this actor is getting paid a good amount to be in this movie. Sure. It's a 10-day shoot. It's all— it's a lot of work. It's a 10-day, like, full 14-hour days. Like what? Hangover was shot in 14 days. Yeah, I know 10 days doesn't sound like a lot for a movie.

Yeah, but like, 10 days is quick.

Yeah, really quick.

That's it.

But it's also possible to shoot a full movie.

Sure. I shot my second movie in 10 days.

That's not saying much.

Exactly.

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah. But also, The Hangover was shot in 14.

Yes. So that's 4 more days though. If I had 4 more days, maybe my movie would have been better.

Yeah, you would have made an award-winning film. Maybe. But yeah, so the actor looks— seems like he's in, I guess. So I— and then, and then Joda closed the laptop, and the first thing he says to me is— I'm filming him, like, I'm, I'm like, this will maybe be a vlog in like a year when the movie comes out. So I'm filming him.

Yeah.

And he looks at me and he goes— he doesn't even celebrate that the actor's on board, which led me to believe how real this was from the beginning.

Yeah.

Because he's not even celebrating at this point. He's just like really letting it sink in. And he— the first thing he says to me is I need $100,000 to make this happen. And I'm like, I can't give you $100,000 for a fucking movie. That's ridiculous. And then, you know, with the most sincere I've ever seen him, he's just like, this is all I've ever wanted. This is my biggest dream. I swear on my life, like, this is why I'm put here on this planet. I swear on my mother, like, I will make this movie work. Please, like, if you could do anything ever for me, it's this. So I'm like, okay, fine. I'm gonna start giving him the $100 grand.

Oh my God.

And so now we just see, now we just wait. You probably won't hear about this for a while. But yeah, and if the movie does well, he's saying I own 5% of it now, so.

Okay, all right.

But that's not my goal. My goal is to make the $100 back and for the movie to do well for him.

To flourish, yeah. That's really nice, dude.

This wasn't an investment. This was just like, Jonah has done a lot for me, right? Like he's been in all my videos, so it's like, whatever. I have never, you know.

Yeah.

Like, then this will be fun to watch him actually succeed. And it's like a full circle because we pulled a prank on him once. Yeah. Where he thought he was going to be an actor. Yeah. So if it actually works, fucking amen. Hell yeah. So you're really sick. So as dumb as it was, I'm really excited to see how it turns out.

That's awesome. You get to go to set and hang out.

Yeah. Yeah. They're shooting in a different state.

I don't want to dox them, but yeah, you're a producer now, so you can go on set. Yeah.

Fucking Natalie in the back. When I agreed to give him the money, now he's like, you're going to give me credit too, to Jonah. Natalie, fuck you. Oh shit, guys, we're gonna get a call from Steve. We'll do it here.

David?

Yo, Steve.

I can't see you because I'm in my car, but, uh—

Steve, you gotta do— you, you, uh, you're on the podcast, by the way. I'm recording a podcast.

You're on the stream.

Oh, sweet, dude. We're about to be neighbors, dog.

You're actually moving next door to me?

I'm trying. You know, I'm the only person that would buy a $6 million house just to be neighbors with you.

Yeah, you, you— yeah, you don't have to— there's no one compete with for that. But how serious are you about— because we just talked about on the last podcast, how serious are you about this?

I, I thought about— do it 100%, do it. Oh my, you know, I'm going to show up to your house every single morning with a coffee and a cigarette, and, and I'm also going to walk into your house without you knowing and, and eat your, eat your snacks before I go to the gym.

No, that's completely fine.

We all do that.

I'm just like I told Natalie and everybody that like we need to have like a little debrief of like how quiet the neighborhood is before, but I'm down for the morning cigarettes and you walking in whenever. It's just like we can't—

You know, I'm gonna walk in whenever and I'm gonna eat your candy before the gym and I might— if I need beers or anything, I'm not gonna Postmates it. I'm gonna go to your house.

I mean, yeah, obviously that's what good neighbors are for. So I completely understand.

Thank you.

David, you gotta text me back, bro.

Yeah, Steiny. Steiny wants to be friends with you, dude.

Oh, we were for a little bit. Stop texting me back.

Steiny's there too. Wow, this is a— thank you for all being on the podcast. This is a big deal. Yo, Steiny, your skit today was so— your skit was so funny today.

Oh, thank you, I appreciate it. I'm gonna buy the other house. There's one down the street for $1 million. I'm gonna buy that.

Damn, you're, you're also rolling in it.

You have to. I was like, dude, Steve, what are we doing? He's like, dude, this house is $6 million. It's right by David's. I was like, what are the specs? Like, how many square feet? He's like, dude, I don't know, but it's next to David's. I've never heard anything like it. I was like, why are you moving there? He's like, dude, it's next to David's. I was like, how much? $6 million? All right, do it.

Steve, you don't want— you don't want to look at the house first before you buy it?

No, that would be so dumb. What if I don't like it?

I think that's just a— that's just a getaway, and then David's house we turn into like— we invite everybody there, right? Right. Her house turns into like the Yeah, yeah, for sure.

Real meat.

I'm going there every— you know, I'm never going to buy an energy drink or a beer in my life because I'm just going to go to your house. Never buying candy either. No, going to your house and taking—

I mean, yeah, that's worth the $6 million alone that you have a fridge right next door.

I'm not going to even buy water when I want to have a water. I'm just going to come over.

How many months out of the year would you live in this house, you think?

Like at least 5 months.

Damn. Okay. Yeah, that's pretty solid.

So for 5 months, I'm showing up in the morning.

Okay, but Steve, if. If you're being serious. Serious, I. I told you I hit my neighbor up below me, and that's.

That's.

That's a cheaper house.

No, it doesn't matter. You have to get a bigger house than David so you can look down on him every day.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Listen. The house above me is not any better than mine and the house below me. I've been wanting to cut down his trees and he won't let me. So if you own the house, I can finally trim the trees.

How about this, David? I'll try to buy the house below you so you cut down the trees, but we just need to build a little, like, uh, there's gotta be a tunnel or something halfway. Yeah, so we can go to your house and play pickleball.

Okay, here's the deal, here's the deal, here's the deal. You buy the house under me, I'll trim the trees, and I'll build the staircase that connects the houses, but I have full access to your house and your drinks and your stacks. Deal. So guys, Jonah's here now.

I'm here.

I haven't revealed any information about your movie, okay, who the actor is, but I didn't— I did say that I'm giving you $100,000.

Yeah.

Any thoughts? Yeah, dude, I mean, first off, how confident are you that you'll make this money back for me? I think that's my main question.

Really confident, dude. I honestly, I was thinking about that all day today. Dude, I appreciate you a lot, bro. Like, you, you're, you're believing in me, but it's, it's all, it's real. This is real, bro. It's an A-lister. It's an A-list.

I'm starting. No, no, I'm stoked about the actor.

Yeah, yeah, you don't have to. I'm 100% sure. Like, it's, it's the reason I'm 100% sure is because with this specific actor, the budget we're shooting it with, it doesn't even meet his guaranteed minimum. Guaranteed minimum means like, how much money do you think I'm gonna make here? Uh, you'll probably realistically, Robert, you may be like 3, 4x it, but then obviously sky's the limit, dude. You might be— what if we do theatrical run and this thing fucking does $30, $40 million.

Imagine it's the new Titanic and you—

yeah, you'll, then you'll make a lot.

When did you write this movie?

Like 7 years ago.

Okay, so this is the, this is the movie that we've been hearing about. If you've ever heard Jonah reference acting in his career, it's this movie.

Yeah, it's this movie.

7 years in the making.

7 years in the making.

Yeah, yeah, I, I wrote it at a, at a really, really bad spot in my life. It was really at a weird, weird, weird depressive state of mind. Depressed state of mind.

This was his pitch yesterday on the phone.

No, I mean, dude, it's a special movie, bro. It's a really beautiful script. It's a beautiful story.

Uh, how do you think you did on the call? Sorry, how do you think you did on the call with the actor yesterday?

I don't know how I did. I don't think— I forgot the whole call.

You blacked out?

I did. I forgot.

It's like his producers and directors were on the phone with him obviously before, and they were like, Dude, just fucking sit there and smile. Don't say anything stupid. And they're like, David, David, are you around? Make sure he doesn't say stupid shit. And then like they're describing the characters and Jonah's character at one point was like a, you know, a chubby goofy guy. And then Jonah goes, go ahead, you could call me the fat guy.

Make fun of me.

I'm the fat guy. You can poke your jokes. And I look at Jonah and I'm like, No, shut up. Yeah, because you could just, you could just tell it was coming from nervousness.

Was it? Yeah, yeah, dude, I was— I'm not gonna lie, I was really mad.

Call me a fat guy.

I'm like, dude, you're pitching a movie, we're gonna call you the fat guy.

That's okay though. No, I know, I know, it's okay. That's who he is.

It was endearing.

He's letting everybody know that like, we're here to have, you know, I'm a good time.

And yeah, everybody on the call was really nervous. Yeah, they were like, to the actor, they're like, you're the best, you're the best. He's fucking great.

He is great.

Um, but it was just really funny.

Are you a fan of him?

Everybody? Yeah, of course.

Are you excited to meet him?

Yeah, it's gonna be crazy.

I am so, so happy for you, Nate.

Thank you.

Thank you, bro. Christian, I saw him last week at Chuck E. Cheese, and we were talking all about it.

Oh, his director. Yeah, Jonah's director.

And you know what I said to him? I said, this is what I said, I said, this is really great because this certain actor is gonna make— I know that you'll— I know you have so much talent, and I know that this actor's gonna bring the very, very best out of you.

Yeah, man.

You know what I mean?

Dude, I'm—

So that's what's cool about it.

Okay, fuck it. It's DiCaprio. I can't hold it any longer.

You know what's crazy?

Titanic 2. You're not even super far off.

That's the crazy thing.

It's different realms.

Different realms.

It's not like a Clooney A-lister. It's not like those guys. I'm not going to. Yeah, but it is. It's definitely a guy where you're like, what? It's perfect for you.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's like it's the most— it's the best A-lister I'd pair you with, in my opinion. Or really whatever list you put him in. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure.

I have a question. So you did the— this is what I heard. You did the call.

Yeah.

It goes fine. Goes well.

Yeah.

And then you turn to David and you say, can I borrow $100,000? The first thing I was like, wait, wait. And so did you come over here knowing— why did you do the call over here?

100%. It was a plan.

No, no, no, no. I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why.

No, you brought it here because you're like, I'm going to show Dave how serious it is and how much I need this money.

Okay.

I'll tell you why.

Yeah.

That's—

if you did do that, that's fair.

So it's fair.

Yeah. Okay. Okay, it's kind of smart.

Yeah, I— okay, this is the reason I did that. I've been talking about this movie for a really long time, and it almost took the confidence out of me because it was— it took so long. And Dave kept going like, stop counting the chickens before they hatch, stop doing this, stop doing that. And I was like, I have this call with this A-lister, I'm gonna do it at David's house just to show him that like Yes, I do talk a lot, but I will make fucking things happen. This is like the fucking rabbit and the hare. Like, he's going to get to the finish line.

The actor was 14 minutes late. Yeah. Like, like the call started.

Oh, dude, I hated myself so bad because I was like—

and it was like 8:08. And like, serious, for like a real 14 minutes late. Yeah, it was 8:08. And Jonah's looking at me like you could see the worry in his eyes. Yeah. Oh my God. Yeah, I am delusional.

Like, you can see him like crazy. I honestly, if at that moment, if The call didn't happen and there was a gun in the house. No, I would actually—

They hung up the Zoom and then the manager had to be like, okay, he's on. So then they all went back on.

Here's what I'm stuck on. I'm stuck on the fact that you actually sat down and put pen to paper and wrote a script.

Yes, yes, I'm a writer.

And it's a really good script.

It's a really good script. Yes, I'm really good.

But you saw his Road to Comedy. That was really good.

I wrote Road to Comedy with Christian.

I always thought you did that off the cuff.

No, no, I wrote those.

I don't know if I saw that.

I'm really good at what I do.

Well, I just know I conversate with Jonah on a daily basis and—

No, I think his brain works differently. I don't think his brain works for conversating with you. I think he's thinking of this.

I think he might be better on the page.

I think so too.

He is in person.

They just said that and I was like, huh.

Well, some people are.

Yeah, you have completely different strengths.

He's got like 10 hours to sit there and figure out the perfect thing to say.

Right. That's fair.

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban. Did you see that?

Yeah, what happened?

Because they're getting a divorce. There's a clause in his divorce.

He gets—

she pays him $600,000 every year that he doesn't do cocaine.

Shut the fuck up.

He was with her for 11 years.

He doesn't need that money.

Yeah, imagine being paid not to do cocaine.

It's not worth it.

I feel like Nicole Kidman has a lot of money that like $600K kind of feels like she could pay more if it was that serious, you know?

That is the craziest take I've ever heard in my entire life. What, are you being serious? Well, I'm assuming he's paying Keith Urban to not do a hard drug for $600,000.

Yeah, but it's her husband and they both have like a billion dollars.

Um, no, I don't think it's up to her whether or not he does.

But like, if he really had that serious of an addiction problem, like, I feel like he has so much money, like, what is $600,000 to him? No. If he really fucking loves cocaine, like, he's probably gonna do it anyway.

My lips are burning. What do you guys want to hear more about me? I feel like there's not enough about— I feel like there's not enough me on the podcast.

There's definitely not enough Natalie. The world needs some more.

We need more Natalie.

If we— Jay?

Yeah?

Fuck, marry, kill.

Okay, let's go. What? Let's set the stage. Where are we right now?

We're in the movie room.

And why are we here?

Tay, I love seeing you.

Oh my God, I see you a lot.

You sound like you're on Molly, but you just shot with Alex Ernst, so that's— I guess it's the same thing.

My lips are— I'm really overthinking my lips and they're really burning.

There's no way, because nothing that was spicy actually touched your lip.

I touched the chip and I touched my lips, and I know I'm being a pussy about it because like Alex ate the whole thing. Oh, it's actually serious.

You got some hot chip on your lips. Yeah, this is, this is why I wanted to do the podcast before the hot ship. I'm so glad I didn't do it. I was so close to doing it. I'm so glad I didn't.

I wouldn't have let you do it.

We've got to get this done because I don't want to take this damn equipment to New York.

I totally forgot he's coming with us.

How do you—

oh, I cannot come. That's fine.

Oh my God, what are we doing here?

We don't— we have to get the—

I don't want to fucking— I want to edit it on the plane.

Meow meow.

That's what Taylor says. Only Taylor says meows.

I don't know why you said that right there in that moment because we were like in the middle of podcasting, but you just fucked yourself, old man.

Yeah, no, I'm not taking that equipment.

Check this out.

Great, I'll put that in the podcast. That's perfect. You fucked yourself because it's just gonna be you burping.

What about this? Natalie, no, give the mic back.

Natalie, what the fuck is that? Am I eating a sub sandwich or am I sucking a dick?

Oh my God, Natalie, please.

Everybody do their best impression of something. It could be like an inanimate object or a person.

Okay, here I go.

Go. Sleeping?

Dude, dude, I swear to God I just saw Natalie's vagina.

I swear to God.

Dude, I swear to God.

Oh my God.

Oh, she just hit him hard.

Why are you such a little pervert? Dude, did you see what you did?

No, I didn't.

Did you see what you did?

No, I didn't!

That was so weird!

Oh, I wish we had a video pod.

What, what were you— what impression were you doing?

I thought I was under the blanket.

You were not under the blanket, bro. Who— where'd you get—

are you not wearing underwear?

No, I'm not, unfortunately.

Oh my God, we're working.

I'm wrapped in a blanket.

No, no.

Why are you looking at my ass all the time?

Something stood out and I got fucking freaked out.

Stop.

Why aren't you wearing underwear?

Because he made me jump in the pool earlier.

Oh, you're in the pool?

Oh my God, that was crazy.

Oh my God, I'm gonna throw up.

Wait, what's the impression you were doing?

I was being a rock.

You were being a rock?

Yeah. Jason goes, do your best impression, everybody. And then like, puts her knees up to her chest, and I just— and then her blanket comes out and something waves at me.

Stop, I'm really embarrassed.

Something winked at you?

I don't know. That was wild.

I'm scared for what you saw.

I— it's actually hard to explain.

I would literally be sick. Stop talking about it. I swear to God, I'll fucking come over and I'll kill you in your sleep.

Big, big, big stuff going on there. Larger than most. I'm just asking.

It's fine. You're good. Can I tell you something that's going to comfort you? No. I've already seen your vagina.

When I was like fucking 12.

Yeah, I saw it in, like, high school.

What?

Yeah.

When did you see my vagina?

And it freaked me out.

You see bat wings?

No, that's for the guys. Oh, I saw your vagina. Could be the girl.

And, um, what?

Yeah, I couldn't do it anymore. I actually, like, I had a crush on you, and then I saw and I got freaked out. Not that it's bad, but it was just— I've just never seen it as a kid. I've never seen a vagina, and it, like, really scared the fuck out of me.

How and what circumstance did you see her?

Yeah, when did you see my vagina?

Like, how? Uh, we were sitting on the grass outside of her place.

Oh.

And she was sitting like Natalie does, like I'm sitting right now, but on the floor. And her shorts—

man spreading.

Yeah. And her shorts just like had the biggest hole in them. Not hole, but like, you know, they stick away from your leg.

Yeah.

And then you see it and it was fucking there.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

That's fine.

That's why you don't like women anymore, because I traumatized you as a child.

No, that's why I'm not attracted to you. So now when people ask, why is it you and Natalie never gonna work? And I was like, well, 2007, I saw Natalie's vagina, and things haven't been the same.

Oh my God, I'm freaking out.

I can't believe you just saw it.

Yeah, I can't believe I saw it either.

I don't know if you did. I think you saw my butthole.

No, no, no, you know why? No, I saw it.

Stop. No, don't say it, please, dear God. No, if you say the words, I swear to God, I literally walk out of here because I know what he's gonna fucking say.

Why are you touching it right now?

Because I'm scared. We're scared.

We're scared, dude.

Wow, okay, I'm so sorry. For the listener.

What is it? Is there something distinguishable about it?

She has a freckle on her left lip.

No, that's not true.

All right, no more. This is a lot. This reminds me of the episode—

I'm going to be sick. I'm actually going to be sick. I was already—

Let's change the subject.

How do you honestly look at Natalie? Could you imagine? Who's your best friend of all time?

That's the title of this podcast.

Sean Castro's.

I saw Natalie in all caps.

That's double the amount of clicks.

Taylor, did you see it?

No, I'm looking at it.

I don't even know how you saw it.

Look at how you're positioned.

I'm wrapped in— I was wrapped in a blanket.

Natalie, you literally— you know how I saw it, and you felt that I saw it because I think you got hit by a breeze or something. I think you— I could see— I saw it and I looked right at you and I could see that.

I'm scared like my boobs are out now. I'm like really paranoid.

I would be.

Okay, you're really something, you know that?

Why?

Because you've worked the poor girl all day. You had her jump in the pool for a bit. I didn't tell her to go to McDonald's with Alex Erst at 11:00 at night. You've held this here. You blew up a bunch of shit in your bathroom. Poor girl. And so, yes, I don't have a change of underwear here at 12:30. Okay, some vagina is going to fall out, man. She has to go home like 2 hours ago. It's 12:30 at night. We have to go to New York tomorrow.

But we have so many sweatpants, so many Young LA things here.

You told me to put this stupid fucking dress on.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Yeah, I kind of did.

I was literally wearing things that fully covered for that reason, so I knew I didn't have underwear, so I put on the baggiest of clothes, men's clothing, and then you were like, you look like a fucking dude, so I put this dress on.

Okay, okay, I did say that. I did say that. My bad, my bad, my bad, my bad.

And the dress is fucking tiny, and I don't have underwear.

Okay, dude, you're turning on our listeners right now. This is the Natalie Pod. Wow, this is, uh, yeah, let's— how do we pivot from this?

You're welcome. I didn't even want to do this part right now. I just gave you some fucking podcast. Thank you.

I've never seen David's face look like— so I can't describe his— the look on his face I've never seen before, and I've seen a lot of your faces.

What was it?

It was like full panic, like he saw a ghost.

How long were you staring at it?

Uh, well, I didn't know what I was looking at. I didn't know. Like, I thought I was— I probably stared at it.

You thought you were seeing like a wig or something?

Probably like 2 seconds. But I didn't know if it was like your toes, like really stuck together and like crumpled up.

Ew!

I didn't know exactly what it was.

Like, is she sitting kind of cross-legged? She's sitting sideways, yeah.

I can't believe that just happened.

Yeah, and obviously in the moment I'm like, do I say what just happened? Do I keep it to myself? And I can't keep it to myself.

I read that on your face.

Really?

Yeah, I read that whole case new.

Natalie does that to me a lot. Like, she'll like look me up and down, and I could tell she wants to say something, that she's like disgusted by me. Like, she like either hates an outfit or something I'm wearing or whatever. This is very similar to that, except, you know, very intense of what came out. Yeah, it's—

Jay, it's—

vagina is part of the anatomy.

Yeah.

No big deal.

I've seen many. It's no big deal.

Yeah, that's— I've seen a lot too. That's the third one I've seen in my life.

Oh, you really?

Yes.

Your mom's, Natalie's, and Natalie's in 2007. That counts as the same. Maybe you could show her your dick and balls right now.

Do it.

You're even.

You want to see my asshole?

I want to see your asshole.

That's gross. How do you want to see my penis?

To be fair, just flash me for 2 seconds. It's only fair.

Actually?

Yeah, yeah, go, go.

John, close your eyes.

You guys close your eyes.

Yeah.

Wait, actually?

He's not actually gonna fucking flash me, are you crazy?

Taylor just covered her eyes.

Well, we have enough.

Smells weird over here.

Is this what you guys do in here?

No, it's never this. It's not this crazy. We're just trying to get this done before we leave. That's really funny that you forgot I was coming. Do you not want me to come tomorrow? Because I don't have to. Is it dumb for me to come? Is it stupid for me to— you can't stop thinking about Natalie's vagina.

Oh my God, he's done, man.

He's not gonna be able to post this weekend. Well, what are we gonna do in New York? Are we gonna hang out? Are you gonna like go in your, your like bedroom and hole up?

New York? I don't know, we could see the clitty— the city.

Stop it, David.

It's really good. It's really good.

Oh my God, it's not that funny.

Well, I'm really excited about this, this lip. I have a trip. Kid Tay, you got any good stories? How's your cat doing?

Oh, he's good, he's great. Gotta get him neutered.

You know, they're coming out with something, the cat's gonna be able to talk to you.

I heard.

Yeah, yeah, that's gonna be crazy. I actually took a video the other day of him meowing, and I was like, I wonder what He just said, because it was a meow like I heard before.

It just comes back meow.

Yeah. Meow. The experts are like, no, that one was actually just meow. So first he's talking about he wants you to open the shades, and then the next 3 are just straight up just meows.

You know, they're coming out with glasses that you can drop in your eyes. You fix your vision. Oh, there's like all kinds of crazy shit.

Wait, wait, wait, what? There's—

they're coming out with— you'll be able to—

oh, eye drops.

Eye drops that fix your vision for like 6 to 7 hours, 8 hours.

That's amazing.

Yeah, so like contacts, but do you think you'll like get addicted to them?

Like you'll be like, okay, I need another dose? Because that's, that's kind of—

you won't be able to see.

Sure, that hit's got to feel good right when you put them in.

Yeah, and then your eyes will probably be weaker when it runs out.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's kind of—

you're right, it might be a kind of a bad thing.

A slippery slope, it feels like.

John, you have glasses. Will you use drops in your eyes to see better?

I mean, yeah, I can't put on contacts, so—

Haven't been able to figure it out yet, huh?

That should have been our first tell. John can't put his contacts on.

Yeah, my son can't do it either.

Hey, see?

It's not just me.

It's not just me.

There's millions—

there's millions of people out there that tried contacts and they're like, you know what, it's not meant for me. And it's okay. I applaud them. You know, more of them should actually like, you know, let everyone know that, hey, I can't put on contacts. It's okay to be, you know—

yeah, sorry I gave him the mic. Sorry. Yeah, that's okay, guys. John is here right now. John, John, you're officially a month into employment here.

6 weeks, actually.

6 weeks. Yeah, um, at David Dobrik LLC. Yeah. What is it like? What did you imagine it like? And why is it different?

Yeah, everything is still as chaotic as it seems, honestly.

Did you think it was going to be less work or more work?

Um, well, you made it sound like we're just gonna be hanging out a lot.

We haven't hung out at all, actually. That is true. We have not hung out at all.

That's actually really true.

Natalie asked you to do something the other day and you didn't do it right, and I got your back because I was like, you gotta stop asking John to do things because Originally we hired him just to hang out. So, so I got your back. Oh, wow. Thank you.

Yeah, you're so fucking annoying.

Don't worry, I am.

David's the ultimate good cop, bad cop, and I have to be bad cop all the fucking time.

No, fuck that. I'm on team. I'm on team. I just started thinking about the vagina again. Literally, literally just—

No, that's all you're thinking about because you can't formulate a sentence. It's like you're not putting out complete thoughts.

Okay, is this about Natalie's vagina?

No, we don't want to hear about it.

Yeah, that's all the only thing we're talking— I'm so sorry.

This—

you might as well throw this, the rest of this podcast out the window because that was— that was— it was like watching— I don't know, it was crazy. I'm so—

yeah, I can't believe—

I can't believe it came from Jason going, everyone, what's your best impression? And then Natalie goes, I'm a rock, and I go, goddamn, thank you.

That's how the—

out of everything, out of every moment, out of everything the universe could have possibly written as what I'm going to see Natalie's vagina, it was Jason going, give me your best impression. That's why it was crazy. All right, sorry, that's fine, whatever, doesn't matter. It's not a big deal. I'm gonna get over this.

Oh, you're not?

Oh, can you talk me out of it? Can you, can you, can you say some things?

I think I just have to show you again for longer, just like really spread it out.

Okay, because you're worried you got— he got a bad look, right? Yeah, he got a bad angle. That's really funny.

He also probably like— you got a back end angle too. Like, I don't even know what the fuck you saw.

No, poor David's gonna be scarred by the end of the night.

No, look at it, David.

Look at—

no, it's good.

Look, it's normal.

Look at this shit. This is—

people like a lot.

I've never had any complaints.

Where are you going? I go for it. Hit me with my—

show me.

Yeah. No, let's just go, go, go, go, go. No, I'm not.

What is this? You're not seeing it again.

How many right now?

If anything, you need to continue with the worst of it.

I love when people call you pervert. I love it. I love the word pervert because everyone's a pervert.

Oh, fuck, these are podcast people. I forget.

Oh yeah, yeah, we get that a lot.

This is the pervert episode. Yeah.

Wow. Go ahead, Jon, come clean. You can come clean, this is a safe space.

Jon, have you been the same since you've seen my asshole that one episode?

Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah, I mean, sure. Doesn't bother me.

Did you know we asked David if he was bedridden and someone had to clean his bedpan? Which friend would he choose? He chose you. Are you honored?

You couldn't choose Tay?

No, I don't think I'm choosing Tay.

Come on, John.

You guys literally are like cuffed to each other everywhere. Like David does not go around the house without Taylor.

Tay, am I in your top 3 best friends?

Am I in your top 3 bedpals? Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, I think we spend a lot of time together.

Oh, well, you're making that sound like it's like a default. Where would you put me in your best friend list? And I'll tell you where I put you. Ready? Go.

No, because that's not fair.

Okay, no, can I— all right, can I not count my hometown friends? Okay, because that is not fair because I grew up— it's just by default, it's just like an automatic thing. Okay, okay, where, where am I? And then you, and then I go. Well, this is a fucked up question to ask. I'm just asking just because it's pod. I would never ask you this normally, and I'm trying to get my mind off of what just happened so quickly. Hurry, talk about—

keep talking.

I would say, I, I would say like, like definitely like 3. 3.

Like the 3rd position? Yeah, it's pretty good. I'll take it.

Makes sense.

I would put you at, um, non-hometown friends. Um, you think you should be at 1? Yeah. Jay's right here, man.

Oh, oh, I forgot.

Right, we're not that close.

I'd probably put— fuck, now what do you think? Probably Tay's number 1, right?

For sure, hands down.

Okay, fine, you're number 2.

Who's number 1 for you?

Oh, Jay, we have to keep this all secret.

Okay, okay. You don't want to— oh, I see. You don't want McClane to get mad at Ella or Jess. I don't want people to be fighting for the number one.

That's really nice. Why did you make me number two after you heard that you're number one?

Well, I don't know. I'm thinking, like, I definitely know, like, my number one, but then I—

like, why are you laughing, Jay?

I'm also trying to exclude my, like—

it's Dave's best friend. Date. Sorry, he just got bumped. Natalie's vagina is Dave's best friend.

Hey, how you doing, Dave? What's going on, man? Oh my God, man, finally she let me out to play. Thank God I got out of here, man. Damn, is it hot in here? I'm fucking sweating, bro. Woohoo! Are you hot, Dave? Hey, let's get a Big Mac. What do you say? Finally! Oh shit, man, Nelly wants to go home, but I want to hang out. Let's watch Marvel. Let's watch a movie together. Nelly's vagina, you're so chill. Oh, thank you, Dave. I love being here with you.

It's so cool. Why have you never come out and hung out?

Oh man, I don't know. Nelly's too stuck up. I told her we could be having so much fun together.

Sorry. Okay, go, Tay. I gotta shave.

I need to shave bad, man. I need wax or shaver. Come on, razor.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Okay, I don't have a best friend. I'm trying to think. I used to have a best friend. I don't talk to him anymore. I really dumped all my friends. You're—

Jay, you're, you're my top 3. That's, that's amazing.

I don't think of you as a friend. I think of you more as like a family. Oh, well, that's really sweet. But you're a friend. I wish you were— I wish, I wish we were better friends.

You're the one that never hangs out, you dickwad. I can't hang out.

I have to fucking pay for my children and my wife. My stupid house that I bought that's so expensive.

I don't know why you bought a house in the hills. A house?

Trying to fucking have a nice life.

Why did you buy a house in the hills? Because I wanted one too.

It was the dumbest thing I ever did.

Is it because you saw me do it?

Oh my God, I used to see your view at Terryview. As soon as I saw that view when you bought your house, I was like, oh my God, the view is everything. And then this fucking real estate agent showed me a house with a view and I was like, I have to have it. I have to have it. It'll be just like Dave's. We're so similar, Jay.

What's that? Well, not that I was like— but like, you're right, because then I'll start thinking a certain way after I hear David.

He's the worst. He's the most— he's the best influencer in the world. I know, because he'll make something look so good. If you're like, wow, I'm going to get McDonald's tonight. Yeah, yeah. I don't even like McDonald's.

Yeah, that's what Zane does a lot with me. I'll get something and then, yeah, Zane will be like, I'm going to get it. I'm gonna get a car.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm gonna get a nice house. It's really funny. Yeah, Tay too. A lot of times Tay likes the things I like, and I'm like, are you actually liking this on your own? Or do you just like—

you don't like— when you get something, you like don't shut up about it. Like, you don't just like get it and like chill with it. You're like, you guys, isn't this fucking amazing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You genuinely look so happy. Like today when you wanted to cut the trees down, I was like, I thought you were crazy, but you, you talked about it so much, I was like, oh, maybe he's right.

I mean, like, how much you love this house gets brought up minimum 3 times a day. Oh yeah, you talk about like whatever is happening. You still— I think you thank Karina for the Ferrari on a daily basis. She got it for you like 3 years ago.

Yeah, yeah.

But what's crazy is when you, when you bought this house, their new house, I remember that you would always bring up your old house and you were like, it It was going to be like such a hard transition because you loved your old house so much that like you couldn't let it go. And you were like, am I even going to— is this a mistake? And you wanted to keep your old house so bad.

Yeah, I definitely wanted to.

You had an attachment there.

Yeah, I have. Like, I can't let go of things.

But now you have one to your new house.

I still love the old house, but yeah, this house, like, I mean, this house just like—

it's nice.

No, it's insane. Like, it really is like a really special, special thing.

It's amazing.

But yeah, you should sell yours so we could be friends.

Wait, I don't get it.

What do you mean?

Do you want me not to worry about my vagina?

Oh, so like porn and that.

So this conversation started, dude. Oh my God. Are you thinking about Natalie's vagina too?

I got to see it. You're the best influencer, Dave. She said it was great.

Now I got to get it.

Oh man, Julia just said the government's being shut down.

Yeah, but that's happened before, hasn't it?

I have no idea.

Why are they shutting it down?

They can't.

It's true, we had to shut the government down. Natalie's vagina, very big, very big vagina. Big and hairy. Ew. Ew, scary.

Oh, that's so gross.

I didn't care for it. I've seen it. Everyone's scared.

Recommend everybody stays inside till the air is clean. I have workers working overtime purifying the air. Stench of vaginas coming from Sherman Oaks. Oh man.

Hey, how about that woman tonight that was like—

Oh yeah, that was crazy. All freaked out.

Yeah, she spoke to us, she like sounded so normal.

That's how all drugged out people are though. They're fucking drunk. Drugged out people are my weakness.

You can like snap into it because they could just talk.

Yeah, we're at McDonald's, we're filming this thing who can eat a Big Mac fast or something, and this woman was like sitting in her car right by us. Yeah, yeah, and like pretty drugged up. Yeah, and she was talking to like 3 people in her back seat. She was like, that weren't there.

Her like eyes were like rolling to the back of her head. She was like slugged over her like steering wheel.

Yeah, it was really crazy, really scary. But then she talked to us.

Yeah, she seemed more lucid when she talked to us.

She seemed pretty normal.

I mean, she totally just carried like a normal— I mean, she wasn't like normal, but she carried a full—

it was like a conversation. It was like a drunk conversation. Yeah, yeah, like where you're like really into it. It was really—

what drug did you think she was on?

Really spooky. I mean, that felt like heroin to me.

Yeah, something.

Yeah, that was like kind of spooky. Dude, my favorite. I love Tay. You know, you know, it's— her dad was here. I was like so jealous because I'm like, damn, he got to see like Taylor like grow up. Like, wouldn't that be so— would that be so funny? But like young Taylor's so funny.

Oh yeah, she—

he told me, I was like, tell me a story about Taylor. And he's like, well, one time I, um, I really wanted to go camping with her. This is what her dad said. And she kept asking if there were going to be malls. Wait, why? I don't know, I just thought that was fun. Like, little, little 4-year-old Taylor, like, going camping and her one question is, will there be malls? I don't know, they'd be like, that sums up, like, you love malls from the—

from a young age.

Definitely, like, in my own world. It was just—

I mean, you still are, which is why I can't imagine, right? Like, what was that like when she was younger?

No, but I can't believe— I think about this a lot. I I used to just spend a lot of time by myself, and I would just— yeah, yeah, I've already— I think I've already mentioned I would like sell walls and like write numbers in like glitter pen. Sell walls? Yeah, just to like— I would like have imaginary friends. I would get bored and I would walk up and act like I was selling a wall to somebody, or like— what? Yeah, my parents never found out, but there was— I would write in my glitter pen like 12 once it was sold. Sold to my imaginary friends.

Wait, wait, wait.

What walls?

My customers.

The walls of my house. Like everywhere.

How many did you end up selling?

I mean, I had to write like a number on each of them. Probably by the time we moved.

Oh, you wrote it on the physical wall?

Wow.

Yeah. And then each imaginary friend got a wall?

My customers. My imaginary customers.

Was there a specific wall that was just like the toughest sell?

No, but I would act like that.

Yeah.

Some, some were tough.

How old were you?

Oh, 19.

Hmm.

Uh, I'm probably, uh, early elementary school, I would say.

Okay.

Okay.

Maybe younger.

I had an imaginary friend. Really? I used to play full baseball games by myself. I don't know how.

I did too. I don't know.

Did you ever see like those TikToks where it's like some guy will stare into a random corner? And be like me as a kid trying to show the imaginary ghost that I know where it is?

No, no. But have I talked about this?

No. Have you seen Natalie's vagina? Oh my God. I got to end this. Okay.

Like, we got to go to bed.

If you end your life. I don't know.

I got this part. It's like it keeps coming up in my thoughts. Well, it's okay.

We're done.

All right, guys, that's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you for listening. Thank you for everybody that joined us. Jason, Taylor, Natalie, Natalie's vagina. Thank you everyone that was a guest on this pod. Genuinely very special moments were shared here. I'm sorry if this is the first podcast you listen to with your family. Do you have any final remarks?

I mean, I'm really sorry. I wish I could take it back.

I'm glad you did it because it's—

it's—

hey, what about me? I'm not sorry. I'm glad I came out finally.

A little light on me.

I don't like that this is the fucking voice of my vagina and that it's big and hairy. Shut up.

No one wants to hear from you.

I can't wait till that guy that she likes finally listens to one of these episodes. Oh my God. If he ever goes, what do you guys talk about on the pod? I'm going to be like, give me your phone number right now. I'm sending you one. It's going to be this one. The title is Natalie's Vagina. How can we title this? I think we should come up with that.

Please help me right now because I'm the one that has to title it.

All right, see you guys.