FBI Showed Up To My Parents' House

Hi everyone, welcome to Views, brought to you by Spotify. What's up guys? Welcome back to Views. This is our podcast. Buckle in. This is the one that your friend recommended to you. Yeah, because he said, hey, there's this guy, he's 45, this other guy's 22, or the one you accidentally downloaded and you're like, what am I doing?

What is this?

Yeah, it's a pretty good podcast. I always say this is the best beginner's podcast if you've never listened to a podcast. Fucking buckle in because I mean, we talk— we— the main portion of the podcast is us making fun of Jason. Yeah, he's 45 and his belly hangs over his knees.

Sit down, fucking clear your desk, make sure it's completely empty, put the headphones on, fucking focus in, and get ready to have your doors blown off.

100%.

Make it work. Yes, that's what Tim Gunn says from Project Runway.

No, that's what he says for sure.

Mm-hmm. Have you ever— have you ever been blown away by a podcast before?

No, just ours. I've never— I didn't say that.

Do you ever even listen to these fucking podcasts?

No, no, no.

I listened to one the other day.

One of ours?

Yeah.

What'd you think?

Well, I isolate just my voice and I listen to it. It's great.

Yeah?

Yeah.

How was it?

It was awesome. And then I do the other parts with what I wanted you to say.

All right, let's roll the outro music. So what's up guys, this is the podcast. I'm David, that's Jason.

What's up guys?

Introduce yourself real quick.

Hey, I'm Jason.

He's 45, I'm 22.

I got 2 kids.

If you've listened to these podcasts from the beginning, you probably have me saying that's Jason, he's 44. And if you're listening to these in the future, maybe I'm now saying that's my co-host Steve, Jason passed away.

How could someone get into the future?

Can't believe he left. Well, I'm just saying if people are listening to this podcast in the past, from the future, do you know what I mean? I'm just saying that you never know. In a couple years, I may have a new co-host.

You could just die.

Yeah.

Fuck.

Yo, I'm gonna start off the podcast hot.

Yeah.

This is a story I've been hiding from you. Get ready, I'm gonna blow your socks off.

Okay.

Today, guess what happened?

You looked in the mirror and said, who the fuck am I?

No, no, that's not what happened. So my dad texted me this morning at 6:30 AM. He's like, please bring a small shirt for your brother. He really loves the Vlog Squad hoodie.

No.

And I'm like, great. And then he texts 10 minutes later, on another note, FBI was just here looking for you. Someone— somebody in your name is doing something naughty. Call me.

Whoa.

Yeah, the FBI came to my parents' house this morning.

For what?

Apparently someone created a fake email under my name and they started emailing the FBI directly saying I'm going to bomb certain places in the United States.

Oh, fuck, David.

And that— insane.

That's not good for you.

So, so they showed up to my house, and I had to— my dad gave him the card, and I had to give him a call. So I called him, and he was super nice. He understood that this was a hoax. And they're like, they're really trying to fucking crack down on this. Like, this isn't a joke. Like, they're gonna, they're gonna find whoever did this, and they're gonna fuck— like, it's gonna be bad. And I was just like, can you— I was like, after I told him, I'm like, yeah, it's obviously not me. And he's like, yeah, I know, we figured. And then I'm like, what was my dad's reaction like when you guys knocked on the door? Like, what did you guys do? Like, what do you guys do when you open the door? He's like, well, we knocked on the door and we were like, FBI, and we showed him our credentials. I can't imagine my dad in that fucking situation.

What did he do now?

No, this is what he told me. He goes, well, I asked your dad, I'm like, does anybody by the name of David Dobrik live here? And your dad went, No. Which is so funny. And then he's like, after talking to him for another 30 seconds, we found out that his name was Paulo Dobrik and he was actually your dad. And I was kind of angry at him because I feel like he should have started with that. I think my dad at first was trying to cover for me.

Yeah, good man.

No, there is no one.

So how did they know it was you, David Dobrik? Did they say, hi, I'm YouTuber David Dobrik and I'm gonna bomb the place?

It was like daviddobrik@gmail or something. It was like my email, like a fake email.

There's probably other David Dobriks though.

No, no, not really.

There's only one David Dobrik in the world?

Yeah.

No, I'm sure there's other David Dobrik.

No, this is—

if this— you make this whole thing up.

Yes. No, no. Isn't that fucking crazy?

That's crazy.

The FBI. That's so funny.

I'm surprised they didn't come here. I'm surprised you could just— you could just, you know, quell them with just a phone conversation.

Exactly.

I would have checked you out.

Well, it's— you wouldn't trust me?

Not through a phone conversation. I would have came here.

Well, I was super sweet. I was, you know, I talked my way out of it. Terrorist threat? No, not me.

I make vlogs. Shoutouts or anything? Anything?

I literally, I literally said, I make YouTube videos. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, I know. We looked them up. We know you're not a threat. Like, maybe a threat to my friends, not the country.

Did you ask them what the email said exactly?

No, I didn't. I didn't ask exactly. But it was like, it was like that I was going to bomb certain places. And I was like, it was like talking against the United States, like, like serious fucked up shit. And they're tracking the IP. And they're like, yeah, we're going to figure it out sooner or later. But we just wanted to— we assumed it wasn't you, but we had to come and check. But it's just— it's crazy that, like, I don't think the FBI is anywhere near my hometown of Vernon Hills, which is the funny part. So I know there were at least two FBI agents that, like, got in their car or maybe even took a flight.

Yeah. To go to the Chicago branch.

Yeah.

They drove out.

Yeah. They drove out at least, at least 45 minutes to get to my mom and dad's house.

I love that you think you're the only David Dobrik in the world.

I am the only David Dobrik in America.

That's not true. Yes, I look it up. Look up the phone book in—

in—

I'm sure in fucking Vernon Hills alone there's 12.

Are you on crack?

Yeah.

No one has my last name.

David Dobrik, I'm sure, is a name in the United fucking States.

Just because you said it differently doesn't mean someone has it now. There's literally no David. There's no David Dobrik. I told you that's not true.

There's David Dobrik Daddy.

Those are—

don't go on Facebook.

Those are Twitter accounts.

There's a David Dobrik right there. That's not David. It's some guy with a beard.

No, it could be in Slovakia.

See, David Dobrik. I'm looking at it. Joined 2010.

But no, he's— I'm telling you, I think this is weird.

I call bullshit on this whole fucking story.

You're gonna call—

you made it up.

You're gonna call the FBI because you don't fucking trust me. I don't know. Have you ever had a run-in with the FBI? I think the FBI is so badass. I've always wanted to be an FBI agent. Because that's just fucking cool.

Do you think?

Yeah, dude, they literally— they go to find out stuff.

I think it's mostly boring work.

You think?

I think so. I mean, look at the good— you had to fucking call you today.

I don't know, but like, imagine if I was like the bad guy. Yeah, and like, they just— they just stopped the crime.

You ever get accused of something and like, you're like, wait, wait, did I do that?

No, dude, explain. Maybe if you tell me about—

like, I don't know, like, like, like something bad happened and they're like— and you're like, wait, did I do that? Did I?

Weird.

Did I? Like, you feel guilty and you're like, no, no, it wasn't me.

I had a friend, I had a friend once that, um, he— I don't know what this is called, but he would watch— he'd watch the news.

Yeah.

And he would see a car chase or something on the news So he'd see, he'd see a car that just hit 3 people as a hit-and-run and the person left, and then he'd have a panic attack. He'd freak out because he thinks that that was him. Yeah, he thinks that he was the person that hit these people. Yeah, remember it. Is that what you're talking about?

Yeah, kind of like that.

When my friend told me that, I fucking, I was like, are you, are you serious? And he's like, yeah, I'm, I don't know, I don't know what's going on, but I actually think I may have hit people.

Or sometimes I go through, go through my life and I'm like I never murdered anybody, right?

Really?

Yeah, like I'll be like, oh, that's weird that like I'm not in jail.

You ever think about like what one decision in your life may have caused the death of another person? Like cutting someone off in traffic maybe caused an accident 30 minutes down the road for them.

Or— yeah, well, that's hard to compute. Remember we missed—

it's impossible to compute.

Remember we missed the accident the other night coming home from the airport?

Yeah, yeah, we missed— I mean, I mean, people miss accidents by, by seconds all the time.

We missed that by minutes.

That's what my argument always is.

Imagine. And that was right after we won the $20,000.

That's why I drive so fast, because you don't, you don't know all the accidents you're missing by driving faster.

Oh boy, we got to get a psychologist in here tomorrow.

No, I mean, yeah, I don't, I don't think I'm thinking about it the right way. That's for sure. Robinhood is an investing app that lets you buy and sell stocks, ETFs, options, and cryptos, all commission-free. They strive to make financial services work for everyone, not just the wealthy. So Jason, this is including you. Listen up. I'm listening. Non-intimidating way for stock market newcomers to invest for the first time with true confidence. I should have used Robinhood because I, I, um, I invested in Bitcoin when it was like— remember that?

I do. What do you mean remember that? Is it not no longer a thing?

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Robinhood is giving listeners a free stock like Apple, Ford, or Sprint to help build your portfolio. Sign up at views.robinhood.com. That's views.robinhood.com.

Nice call to action there, Dave.

Thank you so much. I really want all my people to be listening to this, or to be going over to Robinhood. Did you— I was seeing them. I didn't know LeBron had kids. You know LeBron had two kids?

Yeah, he sends them to public school.

Okay, well, the best part is LeBron said— this is what I heard from a friend— that in six years he wants to be able— in six years his son will be eligible to play in the NBA. And he's gonna be able to play with his son in the NBA. Fucking cool. Wow, how cool is that?

His son's 12 now. Yeah, is he any good?

I'm sure he's fucking LeBron's son.

He's not any good and LeBron's just delusional.

No one can tell LeBron that his son sucks and they have to play LeBron. Yeah, no, that's fucking insane. Could you imagine playing with your son in the NBA? That's, that's, that's like never happened during any sport, right?

And not that I can think of.

No, a father and A father and son have never played each other?

I don't know if Ken Griffey and Ken Griffey Jr. played together.

Who are those? Are those basketball players?

Baseball players.

Oh, baseball.

Well, there you go.

Wow, okay. Baseball, I feel like you can be older, right? Baseball, you can be like 45.

Yeah, you can go much longer. I heard a cool story about— well, interesting story about Snoop Dogg where he—

He smokes 30 joints a day. What does that do with baseball?

He was coaching his son in football, and he made this like football league because Snoop was like a really good athlete, and his son was really good, got a scholarship to UCLA, and the first week he was there to play football, he was just like, I, I never wanted this. I never wanted to be a football player. Yeah.

And then he just quit, and he had to go to his—

to Snoop and be like, this was your dream.

Oh wow. And Snoop was like, damn, were you in the room when this happened?

Yes. I mean, I'm one of Snoop's closest friends.

And then, and then, and then, wait, what does his son want Because he wants to go into like film and TV.

And so I guess he's— I guess he's at UCLA. Like, we could probably run into him at some time.

Soup's son?

Yeah. Oh, I think he's like a senior or something.

I think it's his— his nephew or someone breeds French Bulldogs and he sells them at UCLA. Is that the same guy?

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah, when I first moved here—

you in the market for a dog?

No, when I first moved here, I got like 3 texts one year about French Bulldogs saying my buddy who's Snoop's, like, nephew. I don't know, they would always throw that in there. Breeds French bulldogs. Oh, they're like $2,000, $3,000 a pop.

Oh, that's a good business.

Um, so like, he— yeah.

Did you ever try to follow your dad's dream? Um, did your dad ever want you to be anything?

Well, my dad— my dad actually wanted to be a director.

Yeah.

Yeah. So like, I'm—

did he ever make any shorts?

I'm making videos, which is pretty close.

Yeah.

No, I don't think he made shorts. He just became like a photographer. Oh, he made a music video once. He did? Yeah.

What was it?

I don't know. You shot a music video for a band.

Really?

30 Seconds to Mars? Michael Jackson Thriller?

It was a piece of shit. Only was on the number one charts for 8 weeks.

I gave it up and now I just do wedding photography. Much better business.

My dad wanted me to play football really badly and I just confessed to him that I was a total pussy.

No, you have to confess that to him. Yeah, I think your dad's smart enough to just pick up cues.

He really wanted me to play football.

Really?

Yeah. Oh, I wanted it so bad.

I was like, what?

I made no sense.

But did you play any other sports?

I played basketball and baseball. He really wanted to play football, and I was just like, I'm not going out there and getting— I had a conversation with him. I'm not going out there and getting hit.

Oh yeah, you're pretty good at— you're pretty good at basketball.

Okay.

Yeah. Yeah, you're like old guy good at basketball. Like, you— like, you move like you're like dancing to the robot, like, because your limbs don't, you know, bend in certain places, but you still get the ball where it needs to go.

I'm trying when I get out there with you.

I'm paying you a compliment, except it's not coming out the right way.

It's weird. You don't know how to give compliments. Yeah, I think that's really not your forte.

The other day, you guys went to— you and Trisha went to a nice restaurant. Yeah, what was it called? The Palm. The Palm. Yeah.

Yeah.

Went to the Palm and I was with my friends. We were on Rodeo Drive and we were, we were just walking around stores and you guys were hungry. So you guys went to go ahead of us to get food. And, and I come in, I come into the restaurant looking for you guys after you guys been sitting there for like 15 minutes. And the hostess lady is like, who are you here to see? And I'm like, Jason and Tricia. And she's like, she like can't find you guys on the, on the roster or whatever. Of where you guys are sitting. So I'm just like, I'm just like, uh, and then she's like, what are their last names? And I'm spacing out because I'm already— I'm like looking for you guys with my eyes. And then I go, oh, I see, I see another one of my friends. I see another one of my friends. I'm just gonna go say hi. And she goes, no, no, absolutely not. No, this is not happening. If this is some paparazzi situation, there— we are, we are not allowing this right now. And because I had my camera in my hand because I'm a vlogger, sure. And I'm like I'm like, ma'am, I'm 22 years old, I'm not a paparazzi. And then as I say this, John Stamos gets up from his table and greets me, and it was like the coolest thing ever. He's like, David! And then she looks at me and I'm like, yeah, what's up? So yeah, I went over.

Is there a problem here, Sophia? 'Cause my really good friend and YouTube star David Dobrik is trying to say hello to me. Oh, oh, no problem, Mr. Stamos, so sorry.

It made me feel so bad. So good.

That's great. I felt—

I felt so—

I was—

oh yeah, that's like— isn't that like the best feeling when like someone gets proved wrong in front of you?

Yeah. Why did you say 20 being 22? You can be a paparazzi.

Yeah, I know, but it was just like—

you do look like a paparazzi.

You're right.

You're in sweatpants. It was just like you have a hat on backwards.

It's just stress. I didn't have a hat. I don't wear hats anymore.

Oh, you don't wear hats? Why don't you wear hats?

It was a weird assumption anyway. And then John Stamos took me to his table. And he was having dinner with literally the entire cast of Full House.

Yeah.

Or at least like 4 of them. And I was like, this is fucking amazing. It was all the daughters in the show.

I didn't know who it was.

Oh, really?

Yeah, because if I had known who they were, I wouldn't have been so friendly.

And then right behind him, sitting next to him, was Seth MacFarlane.

Yes.

And he's a big fan of my vlog, so I was like, what's up, we should collab. Joe's looking at me like I'm not serious. That's because I'm not. I don't think Seth MacFarlane would ever fucking look in my direction.

We ordered, we were at the table, and we ordered chicken Parmesan and—

You guys love that shit.

You don't like chicken Parmesan?

You guys like— why do you say it like that? Why do you say it? Why do you say like you're better than me? You said it like you were talking down to me.

You don't like David Dobrik eats ass?

You like chicken Parmesan?

Chicken Parmesan. How do you say it?

Chicken Parmesan.

Chicken Parmesan.

But you just said it with like an extra Italian accent.

Chicken Parmigiani. No, that would be chicken Parmigiani.

Okay, regardless.

I'm telling you, I knew there was something off with that restaurant the second that waitress was being an asshole to me.

It is a little off lately, you're right.

Because of Church Duxter? I'm not happy with it. Anyway, shout out to John Stamos. And John Stamos, actually, him and Josh Peck were at a hospital like visiting all the kids that were sick.

Yeah, we should do some good work.

Like, how cool is that? They FaceTimed from the hospital to talk to some other kids. That's so fucking cool. That's like, that's like some like celebrity shit you see, you know what I mean? Like John Stamos at a hospital, right? I don't know why that's so amazing. That's like, that's really exciting.

You want to like fake like you're sick so John will come see you?

Yeah, I'm gonna— I think I'm gonna make a call tomorrow. But now through December 25th, the 23andMe DNA kits are on sale. 23andMe helps you understand what your DNA can tell you about you and your family story. It's named for the 23 pairs of chromosomes that make up our DNA, and 23andMe DNA kit is the perfect gift for everyone you love. There's never been a better way to give the gift of genetic discovery to your parents, your siblings, your aunts, your grandparents, and everyone else on your list. It's the one gift that you can buy the entire family that will be unique for each loved one.

Did you know I'm 20— I did this— I'm 25% Italian. Really? Yeah.

25. How'd you know? How'd you figure that out?

I did the test. Yeah, and I had no idea that I was that much.

Really?

Yeah, I thought my mother's father was Irish.

I could have just told you that with all the pizza you consume.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

That was my stomach.

No, but that is— you actually did it. 25% Italian.

Yeah. Wow, isn't that nuts?

I guess.

What, are you any Italian? No, you're not?

No, I'm 100% Cuban.

Really? Oh my God.

I think, I think my 23andMe test got switched with somebody.

I think I really have to stop eating pizza, actually.

Are you looking at your belly?

I'm not looking at it. I'm fucking feeling it on my body.

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Yeah.

My friend just Snapchatted me a picture of my other friend Alex, and it was just him like miserable because of their flight, and he captioned it, "The face when you come back from David's fantasy of a life." That's so crazy.

You're in such a good mood when your friends are here.

Oh my god, it's the fucking best.

Why don't you move them out here?

What do you mean?

I'm gonna move Dima out here, I think.

Yeah, you're gonna move on.

Give me my manservant.

Jason wants to move one of my friends out here.

One of my— because only because he's really nice and he's a fucking such an idiot.

He's the stupidest guy in the world. And I don't know if he's like— I don't know if he's like pretending to be stupid or he's actually stupid. And he's like really, really— he's really interesting.

Yeah, he's really interesting. And sometimes he's really funny. Yeah, just really witty.

Yeah.

And then sometimes it's like Bro, I can't even talk to you. Yeah.

So Jason wants to— Jason wants to move one of my friends out, Dima, who's very stupid. We actually haven't told him this, so maybe he'll hear it on the podcast.

Yeah.

Basically, he wants to— he wants to pay him to come live here and do nothing because he thinks it'll be funny for Dima to tell people that he lives here and he does nothing, which I also think is very funny.

I think I'm going to pay him like $10 more than what you pay Natalie.

Oh, shit.

And, and not require Dima to do anything.

Have you ever— this is kind of a change of topic, But have you ever, have you ever done anything where you've like cheated on something?

Yeah, I cheated on— I used to cheat with my friend all the time on my physics test. My friend was really smart.

You should just copy him. You didn't copy— you didn't cheat in every class?

No, I didn't need to cheat in other classes. I was just really bad at science.

Wow.

Physics I could never got, and algebra I never got.

I had a teacher once that got in trouble because she would touch all the students. She got fired. And this has nothing to do with cheating. But, um, what?

Yeah, did you hear what happened with Kathy Griffin?

No, what happened?

It was an interesting story I heard on the news today. She, you know, she made that— she made this picture of Donald Trump with like a severed head, and she's like held the head up. Yeah, they fucked her over so hard.

Wait, what happened?

They put her on a no-fly list. She couldn't fly anywhere for stand-up gigs. They, they opened an investigation on her from the Department of Justice, opened an investigation on her. The FBI called her a credible risk. Like, they really fucked with her life bad.

Whoa, no-fly list?

Yeah, still. Yeah, so she— when she would go to other countries, they would detain her for like an hour. When she would leave a country, she would contact a journalist just in case something happened to her. Like, all kinds of weird shit. Like, that's pretty fucked up, isn't it?

Wait, I'm confused though, because yeah, how can she— how can she land in another country if she's on a no-fly list? Wouldn't she be stopped at the airport immediately?

Um, no, she was able to fly, but I guess every time she goes through, you know, she's stopped and detained.

So she's not on a no-fly list, she's just on a we're gonna bug you when you land list.

I guess so, yeah.

Yeah, that's still pretty brutal.

But do you think that—

but also, also what she did, she, she posed with a picture of like Donald Trump's head decapitated, severed. Yeah, it's like, I don't know, it's just like it's too much.

Yeah, I know, I mean, I don't I don't know, it is too much, but at the same time, I don't know, to punish her for like that is crazy. I don't know, that's her, that's her First Amendment right to do that.

But isn't, isn't there some kind of rule when it's like the president? Not when it's the president, but when it's like provoking violence? Not provoking, right, promoting violence.

Uh-huh.

Like, shouldn't there be some kind of a rule where that comes to place? Like, if you're like depicting that I don't think so. Like, if I painted a picture of me shooting up a movie theater, like, that's not okay. Do you know what I mean? Right. Like, that's like an act of terror. Like, just even me drawing that. Like, I think that's the same situation.

I don't know if it is.

No?

I think that could be considered art. Don't you think? You raise a good point, but at the same time, I don't know.

That's tough.

You know what's funny? Well, if I said— You and I are the smartest people in the world.

What?

You and I are the smartest people in the world.

Of course.

So like, whatever we decide is right. And I think that—

I was wondering where you were going with it. Yeah, you're right.

You know what I mean?

It's honestly—

And we might change our opinion in 2 minutes from now.

But currently—

Currently.

What we are saying is the best and most—

What we're saying is David's right and I'm right. And you guys just listen. Just fucking listen and soak it in.

Um, I've thought about that. Like, you know, I'm obviously like not— like, I don't know shit about shit, right? What if I was president? You know what I mean?

Yeah, well, that's what we have right now. That's what we have in office.

But I feel like I'm like, you know, I'm pretty like morally correct.

You are very morally correct, I'll give you that.

So like, can I, you know, like, can I just make it by just being morally correct? You know what I mean? Like, can I just be like, no, that's fucked up, why would we— like, first, first of all, I don't Okay, this is my one big argument that I feel like a lot of people would oppose me on. Yeah, I don't think— and this is, this is not me having more money and complaining— I don't think the more money you make, the more you should be taxed. That, that doesn't make any sense. Hey, does that make sense to you? I'd explain.

Well, percentage-wise or just more money?

No, percentage-wise.

Oh, percentage-wise.

I think everyone should be taxed a flat tax. A flat tax? Yeah, 30, 40%. Sure. It makes no sense to me why if you make a lot more money, now they take 50% of your money. That's crazy, because most of the time when you're making more money, you're helping other people earn money because you're the boss of a company. So if anything, they should be even taking less money from you. But how is it that they're taking more? Like, if you're helping— like, the CEO of Target should be getting a tax— he shouldn't be getting a tax cut. He should be paying the same amount of taxes as everyone else, but he shouldn't be getting penalized for making more.

What if you make $40,000 a year and I have to pay 30% and you make $400,000 a year and you have to pay 30%? You're gonna have a lot more money to hang out with and do your David stuff.

I guess, but isn't that like, isn't that like what this, what, like what this is all about is like you have to, you have to make as much money as you can. Isn't that what? Yeah, but just some people, isn't that almost like I'm— guys, again, I'm the smartest person in the world.

Again, David and I are the smartest people, so just stop before you tweet anything.

I don't know. I don't know. I find it interesting.

I know you're point. There's a lot of politicians that wanted to run on a flat tax. I think Trump wanted to do that.

Maybe, maybe I don't get it. Oh, Trump want to do it? Maybe it's a bad idea.

No, no, I mean, I have no idea. Great idea. It sounds great to me, but I don't know.

I don't even know. I know nothing about these policies because like I'm so one-sided. I see one tweet and I go, oh yeah, that makes sense.

What's it like? What's it like when you have your friends here who are the same age as you, who you're exactly alike, and you make so much more money than them?

I don't know.

Is it odd? They're so nice about it. Like, you'll literally be with them and then Natalie be like, it's a deal for $75,000, and they're just like, man, that's awesome, David's getting that.

Oh shit, when Natalie's like, oh, like we're talking about a deal.

Yeah, maybe a deal's coming in, or maybe you're like, maybe you're gonna spend like 3 grand on a bit. Yeah, no, and it's like, Michael be like, oh my god, that's crazy, 3 grand, he's gonna drop 3 grand on a bit. God bless him, man. God bless him.

Well, no, it's It's totally fine because I've always had the same relationship with them, right? And like nothing's changed. Like I'm not like cutting them out of my life so they don't give a fuck, right? Like they're super nice about it. And like we've always, always, we've always talked about how much we've made. Sure, always. That was like a thing from like from when we began like washing cars.

Maybe it's not a thing for them anymore. Hey David, how much they pay you to wash that car? $12. Hey David, what'd you make this year? $4 million. Oh no, maybe I won't ask that anymore.

No, no, no, but it was always, we'd always compare how much we were making. We'd always compare finances. So it was like when we were watching Cars, we'd go off and like they'd do one neighborhood and I'd do the other. And we'd be like, how much you make? And I'd be like, oh, I made $40. And they'd be like, oh, I made $17.

Yeah, David, you know, you don't have to tell us what you make anymore. That was just kind of a thing when we were 16. It was kind of fun. I mean, I guess I was a little curious how much she paid you.

And then YouTube started and Vine started. And I remember the first job I got was for $50. I was supposed to Vine., and we were all sitting at Buffalo Wild Wings, and I'm like, I just got a job for $50, and everyone flipped shit at the table, right? Like, I was like, I have to post a Vine, I'm getting paid $50, and they are like, holy shit, David's paying for fucking dinner! Like, everyone was so pumped and everyone was so psyched, and like, no one understood how people are making money on social media. So it was so fun to like keep updated with how much more and more money I'm making because this is such a fucking weird job.

Does Alex tell you how much he makes at Starbucks?

Yeah. So I know, I know Mike makes, I know Mike makes $60,000 a year. Doing what? He just got a new job. He's like doing finance at a place.

Nice.

Yeah, it sounds fucking miserable. He has like a really boring job.

Oh, damn it, David. I don't know why you got to put me down on the podcast.

No, it's, it's not.

I don't know.

I don't know what sound. I don't know why those like accounting jobs seem so like horrible.

I, when I got out of college, someone called me and they're like, do you want to work at Bear Stearns? And I was like, yeah, okay, great, I'll do it.

What's Bear Stearns?

Bear Stearns is like a big— it's like Morgan Stanley. It's a finance place. Okay, yeah, whatever. So I'm like, oh cool, cool, cool. They're like, yeah, like you can make like literally— like my brother works there, he makes like $400,000 a year. And I was like, fucking awesome. I was like, great, let's do it. I didn't have a job, so I went the first day, suit and tie, sat down. They sat us all there. It was like a bunch of like 22-year-old kids. And they go, um, they go, okay, this is the call sheet, this is a phone book. I want you to sit and call every single person on this list. Or it was like a list. And that's what you're gonna do. And I did it for about half an hour, and I just walked out. I just couldn't do it. I was like, I can't do this. I went home to my mom and I was like, I can't do that.

And you were like, I'm gonna show you guys. And then for the next 20 years, you sat curbside waiting for the bus to take you to a new city. Where hopefully your dreams would kick in.

Took a while.

Wow, that's—

that's— I would have blown my fucking head off. I had a really good friend, really smart kid, one of my best, best friends. He was making $500,000 a year as a lawyer in New York in his 20s, and he just went fucking crazy with cocaine. He went crazy with it every single night.

And that doesn't help when you're a lawyer. No, it's almost the opposite.

And he just said like It doesn't help in any situation, guys. Yeah, remember on the podcast when you were like, have you ever done any hard drugs? And I go, I know, just cocaine.

Yeah, that was our last podcast.

Fuck that one up. Sorry about that. Don't do drugs, all you kids listening. But yeah, he hated his life and he just— that was it.

In, in, in a— fuck, I'm gonna mess this one up again. We've said so many horrible facts and horrible things. I don't know what country it is. Is it Japan? Or I don't know, but there's like, there's businesses and there's buildings that they have, they have nets on the side of the buildings. You've seen this? To catch people from jumping and committing suicide. No, this is real. There's like nets to catch them because so many people commit suicide in these like high-pressure finance situations. I don't even know if it's that or like sweatshops, but it's like, that's fucking insane. Whoa. Yeah, bro, the world's— I'm mind-blown at how, how many different lives there are in the world. It's just—

Yeah, we're so lucky. Speaking of different lives, hey David, I want to congratulate you on 10 million subscribers.

Thank you so much.

I appreciate it. I want to say it. It's quite, you know, it was very nice when you won, and I'm gonna say this is not about you. When I won what? When we had your party here, and this isn't about you, so you could be able to talk about this, but it was really nice for everybody.

Oh yeah, it was really cool.

I had like— I had a nice moment where I was like, maybe this is gonna come off shitty, but I was like, I was like, this is— this is like nice for everybody. Like, this is like nice for Scott. This is like— you know what I mean? Like, it felt like— it felt like it was like, oh, David got $10 million, and it was like— but we were all part of it. And maybe that's you, maybe you made it feel that way because you're like so gracious, but it was— it was a really cool moment.

Oh, it was cool like seeing everyone there. Like, that was nuts. Like, seeing like my hometown friends and then all 20 of us that's in the friend group, right? Like, here. I don't think there's like a single person left out, which is like—

it's fun to think that like Nick like helped you get— yeah, to your 10 million. And there he is, you know, this camera.

Yeah, Big Nick there from the beginning.

Big Nick had a moment with Trisha.

Big Nick is our dwarf friend who is now a rapper and scares the fuck out of me. And Trisha is her ex-prostitute friend.

Okay, go. Yes, my girlfriend and Jason. They have beef. Big Nick and Trisha. Yeah, they have beef. So then Big Nick came over and he was looking like a rapper and he goes, he goes, hey yo, Trisha, yeah, I heard your latest video, it's tight. I heard your latest song, it's tight. Just like, oh thanks, Big Nick, I appreciate it. And then I said something like, I was like, oh, Big Nick, I love your songs, like that. But you know, I'm so tired all the time. Yeah, it doesn't come out. I never— comes out right. He's like, no, fuck you, man. I go, I go, no, I think your rapping is really good. Like, I like your song. He's like, yeah, you mean it? And I was like, yes, yes, Big Nick, I like your song. Guys, go check out Big Nick on YouTube, Spotify, stream his music.

Guys, this next segment is called Joe's Teeny Weeny Podcast, the 25-second segment that we give to our friend Joe in return for editing this podcast. And we're live in 3, 2, 1.

What's up, weenies? It's your boy Joe back, and we're here in the festive spirit. Today we have a fun little game. We're gonna be doing Secret Santa. I sent out the email to both you guys, but you didn't bring gifts. Is that true? Why didn't you tell us? I sent the email. So boys, go ahead, each pick one. Who wants the big one? There's a big one and a little one. David took the little one and Jason took the big one.

And time. Oh, come on.

I got This is fucking rigged.

What'd you get?

I don't know, Joe. You're— Joe, I have to ask you, are you gay?

No.

Are you gay for me?

Oh yeah. Wait, Jason, I had a conversation about this the other day. Are you? There's more.

Two tickets to Sandals, Jamaica.

Joe, with me.

Joe, that's a bit— that's a man thong.

We can wear them together. Joe, are these real tickets or did you forge these?

Joe!

Joe!

All right, that's it. Joe just pulled his pants down and showed his penis.

Joe!

Joe!

Joe, yeah, did your dick was in our face?

What is going on, David?

Okay, so the president—

this is not what I signed up for.

So the game—

3 in the morning, Joe's cock in my face, David.

Okay, so what just happened is we got 2 tickets to— oh, first off, the tickets are fucking bullshit. We got Campbell's chicken noodle soup. That's what I got. Jason got a thong.

I got a thong because he's always touching me.

Yeah, okay, hold on, let me finish this. And Joe, Joe, Joe's also wearing a thong that matches Jason's, and he pulled his pants down and his dick was sticking out of the— I don't— Joe, you're fired. You're not coming back for next week.

That's what you said last week. I did?

Yeah. Fucking start sticking to my word. Yeah, but we were thinking, we were thinking Joe's attractive attractive to you. Yeah, yeah.

I can't tell if it's a bit— like, if Joe said, hey, I'm gay and I think you're attractive, I'd be like, oh cool, I've known this. But it's the cloak-and-dagger shit. Yeah, I'm not sure about—

that's what stresses me out. Yeah, like, yo, tell me. I'll let you cuddle me if you're gay. Like, sure, I don't care.

I just want to know.

Just let me know, cuz I don't like the mystery. Like, don't fucking do this. Yeah. So yeah, tune in to next week's episode where we're gonna find out if Joe is actually gay. Um, but yeah, it's coming. The annual flood of year-end best-of lists is almost here, but rest easy, here's one best-of list that you don't even have to read. All the best new podcasts of 2018 are on Spotify, from Kot's riveting investigation into Juvenile System and This Is Love's multi-faced stories of romance to the boundary-breaking women of Unladylike and Bodies. There's no easier way to keep up with all your favorite shows and discover new ones. Podcasts on Spotify. They're streaming right now, guys. Thank you guys so much for listening to this podcast. This has been another fun experience with Jason and Joe from the Teeny Weeny Podcast. Guys, tweet us. Go buy my merch. Go buy Jason's merch. Go tweet us some new topics that you want us to talk about and let us know. We'll see you. Oh, have a Merry Christmas.

Holy shit. Yeah, guys, thanks so much for listening to us this year.

I guess the next podcast will be super festive because we didn't talk about Christmas at all.

But I'll be in Chicago doing the next podcast, so I'll be live from the holiday. I can't say where I'm staying.

Yeah, okay, we'll see you guys later. My name's Jeff. Bye!