David Saw Natalie Naked

What's up guys, welcome back to Views.

Dave, who's the most impressive person here in this room right now? Most impressive person, go.

You.

Whoa.

Are not the one. Let's throw a bunch of music. Our friend Corinna tweeted the other day, she's like The funniest thing happened to me. I wish I had a podcast to tell it on. And I immediately texted her and I was like, you do it on our podcast. So Corinne is now here, has really hyped up the story because it's, you know, she tweeted about it and then she, she even called me yesterday before we were doing the podcast, Jay. And she goes, you're going to laugh so much. That's what she said. No, I did not. That's what you said.

Yeah. No, I didn't.

You said something.

No, because now I'm all nervous and my heart's racing.

I'm scared. All right. What happened?

Better be fucking good.

Okay. It's not. Okay. Now you've really hyped it up.

No, I'm kidding. It's not going to be good.

Can you start with something else? No.

She's had some great stories in the past.

She has had good stories.

Remember the three way story?

Yeah. Start with something else.

Okay. You want me to start?

Sure.

Yeah.

I just got a new car. It's an Aston Martin.

It's beautiful.

Thank you.

Congrats.

So are you. Corinna just hit her teeth on the podcasting. I went to the place to get the car.

Yeah.

And? And I told the dealer, I was like, hey man, is there any way I could buy it, like just for 3 months? Like I'll plug you guys on Instagram, I'll pay you also for the 3 months, but I just don't want the car for forever. I'm gonna get bored of it, I know I'm gonna get bored of it. And he goes, I can't do that because that's literally our business. Like everybody here gets bored of their sports cars. Like that's why, you know, sports cars owners, they have their cars for like something 3 months and then they get a new one. And then there was a guy there that I think watched my videos or he's seen something from me. And he got my number. I talked to him a little bit, like, he's like, let's get— let's do something soon. He like told me about his company, whatever. And then he texts me the next day and he goes, hey, you want me to just buy the car and I'll just lease the car out? I'll just lease the car out to you for like 3 months. And I was like, okay. So he bought the car, the car you have now, the car I have now, the Aston Martin. He purchased the entire car and I'm just paying the lease for the 3 months that I want it. And he's like, if you want it longer, just— you can pay longer.

What?

Who is that?

Isn't that crazy? He owns like a— he owns a company.

Can you imagine the fucking chances of that?

It was—

that's insane.

It was the only guy in the dealership and he was buying himself a Lamborghini and he just overheard. Like, I told him, I told him, I was like, yeah, I want this car, but I just want it for 3 months. I'm probably not going to do it. He was a customer.

Wow.

What does he do? Can I get his number?

He's like, I've been wanting to start like a car rental company, so this will just be my first car. So I was like, okay, cool. So he literally bought it. And he brought it over the next day. And that's fucking insane.

Fucking real. Your luck.

Isn't that crazy?

As human, like, congratulations.

Thanks.

Are you going to keep it?

Congratulations for meeting this guy.

You think you're going to keep it longer than—

No, I'm not going to keep it longer. I love the fucking car, but a sports car is not— it doesn't make any sense.

That's amazing.

That's really crazy.

Have you had any good experiences in it so far? I just take Ilya out.

Took Natalie out. Natalie's been looking at me different. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. When we're driving, I'm just like staring at him and drooling the whole time.

Yeah. The fucking front seat is Soaked. We went for like— yeah, that's not what I meant. Speaking of soaked, Corinna, what happened with you?

Okay, first of all, I wish—

how do you know it's a sex story?

It is a sex story.

God damn it.

So I've been trying to post more TikToks and I'm really bad at it, but I saw that TikTok trend.

Is anyone good at TikTok? I haven't seen— oh, I'm a porn person.

I just do like the easiest shit.

Guilty.

No, I'm So I'm like always trying to find like the easiest ones to do because I'm just like not creative. So I'll like just do the stupid cringy or like, you know, fuck girl, like whatever, you know what I'm talking about, right?

Like, I mean, that's not bad though. That's what makes like 30% of TikTok is like pretty people looking pretty. Like, that's a cool thing to watch.

There's no— there's no talent there. I mean, it's just like me just literally looking into the camera. It's like, whatever.

Yeah, but you were born with talent. It's called beauty.

Oh, thank you. Oh, you called me twice today.

She got a Ferrari. That's why I cannot drive in it.

So I saw the— have you seen the trend where they like put cream cheese into a jalapeño pepper and then they put Takis in it?

Yes.

Yes.

So I was like, oh, I can do this one and it sounds fucking delicious. So I did it and I filmed it a couple of times and it was actually really good, right? And then I like tried different variations of it.

I saw that video, by the way, and you kept referring to the cream cheese as sour cream.

I know.

I know. You have no talent. I was watching the video and she had the cream cheese in the—

I did it one time.

She had the cream cheese in the pepper or whatever, and the cream cheese like container was sitting right next to it. So everything was in the shot and she's like, so you put the sour cream in. And I went immediately, I immediately went to the comments and everyone was like, it's not fucking sour cream, dumbass.

Okay. The reason why I thought of sour cream is because I bought sour cream because I make this like sour cream dip. It doesn't matter what I thought. It was sour cream. It's not.

Okay.

Besides the story. So I started doing different variations of it and like the actual one I posted was I put it into like, I like spicy, but I don't know how you're going to get to sex from this story.

What happened? Taylor Holder busted into my shirt, was like, I'll do this TikTok with you. Put that fuck you first.

Put that sour cream cream cheese all in my fucking cock.

Okay, just wait. Just wait.

Okay. All right, go, go.

So the one I ended up liking and posting was like I did a sweet pepper with cream cheese and Hot Cheetos, right? It's actually better. I like spicy, but it was just really fucking good.

Sure.

Fast forward, I go and play a game on my computer. I have one of my friends staying at my house, and, uh, I was really horny, so I was like, hey, you want to fuck in the kitchen? Because I've never really fucked in my kitchen.

There we go. Jay perks up. Yeah, and then what? You probably pushed the cream cheese to the side, huh?

Who's your friend?

Um, we play video games together. I, I basically— I have this really good friend. No, let me get my story.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

It's a really good friend, um, and we actually are friends, and I took his virginity. So he's like very—

I took his virginity, so now he has to fuck me in the kitchen whenever I ask.

This is part of the story. So like, he comes really quick. Oh, like the first time we had sex— I mean, he doesn't care if I say this— the first time we had sex, it was like 10 seconds. Like, literally.

Wow, that is impressive.

But like, every other time, the longest thing he's ever gone is like a minute.

Like, there's no problem.

It's whatever.

It's whatever. He's gonna—

he's gonna—

he knows I say this. I roast him all the time when we stream, but he's gonna hear this. Or maybe he probably doesn't listen, I don't think. But so we were fucking in the kitchen and it's like really quick. He ended up like coming on the floor, which was just really weird.

Sad place to come after he came. Hey, what's on the floor? Sorry. Okay, go.

After he came, I was like, oh my God, I'm so wet right now. So I take my fingers and I like rub my pussy to like show him how wet I am. And as I'm doing so, I feel something. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? And I didn't want to pull my hand out because I didn't want to be like gross and be like, oh, there's something in my vagina, right? So I like look and it's a jalapeño pepper.

Oh my God.

And I'm like, oh my God, look at this. He's like, what is that? I'm like, it's a jalapeño pepper like seed. And he's like, holy fuck. And I was just sitting there, I was like, oh, it's whatever, like it's whatever, dude. The next thing I know, my vagina is on like the worst pain I have ever felt in my whole entire life. I was freaking out. I started taking paper towels and like soaking them in water and just like shoving them in my pants. Like, just like, what do I do? Like, like, it was the exact pain you have in your mouth.

Was it like your vagina? Was it like a delicious pain? Like you were like, I could still taste the pepper?

I can, I can still feel like right now talking about it, my whole body's getting like, you know that like weird hot like feeling when you eat something spicy? I feel that right now. So I'm like freaking out. Like, what do I do? Like, what, like, what the fuck do I do in this situation? Like, my vagina is literally burning. So I'm like stuffing my pants, nothing's working. I'm like I need to go sit in a bath. I'm like sprinting down the stairs screaming. He's laughing. He's laughing. I go in the bathtub and I go, I need you to get me almond milk. He's like, what? I'm like, get me almond milk. So I like fill the bathtub up like an inch, inch tall. He gives me like a thing of almond milk. I'm like pouring this on my vagina in the bathtub. I'm sitting in this like thing of almond milk. He's like, I have more, there's more almond milk upstairs. You want me to get it? He's rinsing his—

So this is all on your TikTok?

No, no, no.

The TikTok was to preface why, why the reason why there was jalapeño in my pussy, you could have just said, is because— well, because that's— come on.

Okay. I mean, yeah, you're having sex in the kitchen, the jalapeño.

But it was like 2 hours later. It had been stuck under my fingernail. I never wear fingernails. There was a jalapeño seed under my fingernail, and that's how it got in my pussy.

Oh, too much time on your hands.

So I'm sitting in the bathtub full of literally like 4 cartons of almond milk, and then my vagina is like— I'm not kidding, I sat in that bath for like 20, 30 minutes, like throbbing pain.

Damn. My first thought would have been to grab the cream cheese. I've been—

you know what's funny is I literally thought about it. I thought about smearing cream cheese in there to dilute the pain.

I wonder what this tastes like with cream cheese.

Dude, it was fucked.

That's so funny.

And did the almond work? Almond pain? Your vagina?

Jesus.

Did the almond work?

Chase is nervous. Did your almond vagina— did you nut? I mean, you obviously nutted because it's almond milk, but did you finish during the thing?

Yeah.

Chase is just nervous.

I was pouring the almond milk in my vagina and it actually really helped. It did.

Wow.

And then—

well, there you have it, Jake. To answer your question from earlier, you also have something burning on your penis. Just pour almond milk on it.

Thank you.

I can't even describe to you the pain. Imagine somebody putting like a jalapeño seed in your pee hole.

Yeah, that was— that's bad.

Like, fucked.

Yeah.

And like, you can't do anything. Like, it's just burning. I also had like a really cool three-way the other day.

You had a three-way?

I don't know if this is like—

only you would just toss that off.

Okay, I actually can't.

This is like too—

is this too bad?

David, ask her about the three-way so I don't look like a pervert.

Okay, sorry. What was the three-way like?

Oh, David, come on!

No, I don't want to get too far. I already talked like too much about my stuff.

Yo, I just asked her— I just asked Corinna off the podcast. I asked Corinna how much to like have sex with Jason, like deadass, like a real number. And she goes, $100,000.

Can I tell you why, though?

Why?

It's not because I'm like, oh, Jason's so gross. It would take $100,000 for him to fuck me. But it's just like, I know it's going to be everywhere. It's going to be on your TikTok or YouTube or whatever.

Right?

It's not going to be on his TikTok.

Everybody knows Jason.

I at least want to be like, okay, well, I got $100,000 out of it, right? That's why.

And then Natalie heard the $100,000 and she goes, that's not that much. I mean, and that's like the most offensive thing. I mean, I understand Jason's old. But like, Natalie, $100,000 for that much mental scarring? Like, you got it. You got to keep in mind Jason's a human. No, I like—

it's not like he's a dog.

It's not like— it's not like I'm going, Corinna, how much for this fucking ogre to fuck you?

No, I'm saying that— okay, I get what you're saying, but I also like— I don't know, I just feel like that's not that— like, I—

if—

sorry, son of a bitch.

$100 grand? Okay, how much? How much for you? 10 minutes?

Am I that gross?

No, because if I was any other person and we had a different relationship, I would say—

Jesus Christ, $100,000 is not much to her.

Jesus.

How much?

Just because I think it'd be weird. Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, oh, I see.

Like, if it was another old guy, of course, $100,000. Yeah, no, like, no problem.

I see what she's saying. No, fuck it. The price for Jason, how much? And deadass, like, seriously, like, if he whipped it out right now, you'd be like, okay, cash in the dick, both. Like, serious.

I'm not that fast.

No, but like, yeah, like, real, man.

I don't know.

Nat, give me a number for Jay. Go.

To have sex with Jason, I would probably charge him.

Careful, Todd might cry himself to sleep tonight. Why?

I fucked Todd for free.

This is embarrassing.

Well, now I'm like, feel sad for you, so I want to say—

oh, it doesn't hurt my feelings at all.

Man, answer this in a way—

you were lying if you're gonna say more than $100,000.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Nat, answer this in a way where when you tell me the number, if I was up to it, I would go to Jason, I'd be like, here, I'm transferring this to your bank account. Good luck.

That's what I'm saying. That's a really scary thought for me. So I want to be a realistic 100% number, like real number.

There's no way if David goes, here's $100,000, all you have to do is— he doesn't last more than 5 minutes. You're done. How do you know, Corinna?

I mean, I can just bring shit on from Corinna. I already gave you a good offer. No way.

I wouldn't fuck you for 100 grand. I could.

I'm good.

Yeah, right.

I guess, I guess probably like $200, maybe $250. There's no way.

Okay, that's not horrible.

I'm literally willing to—

$250.

Corinna, you don't know how long I'd last. You have no idea what's going on downstairs with me, and I've been around for a long time.

Okay, well, things happen.

And with that knowledge, I charge you $1 million.

Okay, well, have you seen Iron Man?

Yeah.

Are you comparing your dick to my favorite superhero?

Yeah, that's right, bitch.

Matt, so $250?

Yeah, if I was like blindfolded, maybe 100. Wow.

Blindfolded?

Just close your eyes. So you only put a paper bag over your head.

I mean, what?

So she likes— okay, so she likes it to be kinky. She wants a blindfold and a whip, and then she'll go down 150. That's crazy.

How much I would— I would— I would, uh, it would take for me to fuck you?

What would it take for you to have sex with me, Corinna?

I would pay you $20 grand. Really?

Yeah. No, you wouldn't. Yes, I would.

Did you take it right now?

Okay, okay, not 20 grand, but right now If you said that you show me a pay stub for $20,000, I quit my job and I come work for you right now.

I would probably pay $5,000 to fuck you just because I want to see what it's like.

I'll double it.

I mean, it's pretty crazy that you won't fuck Karina for $5,000. He won't fuck me for free.

Come on.

That's crazy.

I mean, yeah, but it's crazy.

A girl wants to fuck a dude. Dudes are always horny and he was like, no, I don't want to fuck.

Natalie and I just got back from— we went to America's Got Talent. Yeah, Howie called and he's like, hey, for the finals, like, we want to do like a segment with you. It's like a fun 3-minute segment. And he's like, come and we'll figure something out. And he's like, you don't have to do it if you don't want to. I was like, oh, whatever, I'll come, that sounds fun. Um, so there's no one on the Universal lot, it was just us and like part of the Emmys. So it was really nice because they let us do whatever we want on the lot. And we got there and Howie's idea was for me to get my ghillie suit and to scare, like, people on the crew and to scare, like, the judges. Like, I scared Heidi. And the suit where you look like a bush, basically. Yeah, I look like a bush. That's a ghillie suit. So I hid by a bush and pretended I was a bush and I jumped out and scared Heidi and I would scare Terry. And it was just— it was fun. And there was like, what, 30 people on set? It was— everyone was wearing masks, you know, it was the whole COVID thing. And then at the end of it, like, I scared Terry after, you know, they went through hair and makeup and Heidi went through hair and makeup. I scared Heidi and then like, okay, cool, that's a wrap. And I found out that they only came to shoot that part.

Oh, wow. Everybody, the entire set was only there for you and your stupid Amazon suit that Joe got you.

The only set was— the entire set was there just so I could jump out and scare Terry Crews and Heidi Klum with my bush suit.

Heidi Klum stopped her Sunday with her kids. Yes. And went to work just so I could scare her, thinking she was probably going to do something serious for the show. Yeah.

And that's the thing. They had no idea too. And the craziest part is this is To my surprise, with like Natalie, you can attest to this, how good sports Heidi and Terry were. It was fucking really bizarre. Heidi was like obsessed with the thing. Heidi was so excited, like we wrapped, but Heidi was like, "No, no, no, let's do more, let's do more." I don't know how to do her accent. And then we brought extra suits, so she got in one of the suits, and she's like, "Let's go to sneak in, and let's go sneak into the Emmys and get an Emmy, and we can steal an Emmy 'cause this show doesn't have an Emmy." We can get a Krabby Patty together. Yeah, Krabby Patty. So the camera crew was like, "Okay, fine, like let's go." fucking— so they gave us golf carts and we drove to the lot where the Emmys were, and Heidi and Howie were like wearing the ghillie suits, and we were like— and luckily the red carpet of the Emmys was lined in like this, like, in like this moss green wall. Yeah, it was like a green wall made out of shrubs, so like we blended in perfectly. And it was so funny. And they're like, they're yelling at Howie, they're like, you need to leave. And Howie's like, no, I'm gonna stay, I'm gonna stay. And how he like takes off his mask and he's like, it's me, Howie Mandel. And they're like, we don't care, you need You need to leave. The fucking Emmys are live. You need to leave, sir, please.

He's good like that. He's like a big star, but he's just still like kind of a—

Oh my God, he's so funny. But, bro, you have no idea. Heidi was such a good sport. Like, she was rolling around the floor, like, like pretending to be a shrub, and she would not give it up. And we did it. We were supposed to be there for like 45 minutes. We ended up being there for like 2 hours. It was so— I was so shocked at how much, like, how much they wanted to be a part of it. I thought that was interesting.

I was like, they must have gotten paid like $1 million just to be there.

Yeah, bro.

That's what I was going to say.

Yeah, I was like, I think they get paid a lot.

Yeah, I was like, there's no fucking goof around with you. Yeah, yeah, I was like, there's no way Terry Crews is fucking pumped being here right now. I've never seen this, you know, I've never seen this man this more, more excited in his life. He was so pumped. He's like, man, that was great when you jumped out of that bush. That was so amazing. I was like, fuck this, nowhere.

You want to see my second Bentley?

He must be getting paid a fucking quarter of a million dollars just for the 20 minutes here. Um, but no, it was great. There were such good sports. And my car is such a big hit. Oh my God. We pulled in. Oh, we pulled into Universal and people love that car. I don't know what it is. The woman at Universal, like the security guard that opens the gate that lets you in, she goes, oh, you're dropping my car off for me? Like, made like one of those cheesy jokes. And then we're driving to the lot and we don't go— we don't go more than 100 feet. And the guy goes, oh, perfect. You're dropping my car off for me.

It was fucking crazy.

Everyone was making the same joke and people loved it. It was Terry's dream car. And really, why don't you just buy it from today's shoot? Like, just use the money today. I'll sell you it for fuck's sake. But no, it was— I'm glad I got that car because it's a really big hit with like— it's a big hit with the adult community. Like, it's a very like— like, what are you— what do you call those people with the silver hair? Silver fox. It's a very silver fox car. Like, a lot of like, like, very like gentlemen, like hot Hollywood men will like literally break their necks looking at the Aston Martin. And it's not like a reaction you get when you're like driving in a Ferrari or Lamborghini. So it's a really interesting— it's a different—

it's got an old man vibe to it.

It's a total different person that like—

and it's perfect for me because I'm like, you're kind of like an old man.

No, because I'm like, I'm like this like goofy YouTuber. So it balances it out where it like makes me more serious. But back to me being a goofy YouTuber, like we were on set like running around Universal Studios, the backlot, and like around the Emmys.. And I was so fucking terrified. I was like, let's go back. And Heidi and Howie were like, let's go, let's go, let's go try again. And they were calling security and like more security was appearing and they were coming to like escort us out of there. And Heidi was like, what are they going to do, arrest us? I was like, I don't know, let's fucking get out of here.

I have 8 Emmys from Project Runway. They can go fuck themselves.

Um, but no, I was just so surprised at like how fun they were and how fucking Like, I was the YouTuber. I was supposed to be the dumb one that was like fucking burning down the studio. But they were like, and then the lawyers had to come out and the lawyers had to approve what we could, what we did. And like, so we wouldn't get in trouble. It was, it was really, really funny. And Howie's the best. Howie is the best person to do anything with. He's like, it's like, it's literally like being with like an uncle. He's like, he's the best. He's so fun.

Really funny.

How did you get Joe drunk the other night?

Joe drunk? Someone's still drunk.

Joe drunk.

And I once said we went to Joe and I went to dinner last night And I was like, Joe, you want to get fucked up and just show up to Dave's house?

Just like, so unlike—

just like hammered. And he's like, dude, no way, I never drink. And I was like, all right, whatever. So then we ordered— I ordered 2 mojitos for him and I, and he just takes a sip of one and I have both, right? Because he doesn't drink or whatever. So then we come back here and Joe— I wanted to sleep over at Joe's house because it's so fucking hot in this goddamn house. So I, I plan to do that. I left to his house and we get to Joe's house and I'm like, Joe, let's take a shot. And he's, he's like, okay. Like, he feels comfortable, right? Because he's at his house now and he's got Annalise there. Annalise is like kind of watching us do our thing, whatever.

Bobby, his son.

Bobby. Yeah, he's like, he's in a, he's in a safe environment now. So he's like, okay. So he's loosened up. And so we take, uh, dude, I pour— I'm not kidding, each shot that I poured him was like a triple shot. And he fucking gulps it down.

And he'd probably like know that it's a triple shot.

Well, no, no, he does. I mean, like, he said he used to drink, so like he understands. Like, he understands.

Like a 28-year-old man, I think.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, he gets what he gets, what he's doing. But, but he's just gulping these shots down like fucking one after the other. And like, before you know it, we're both just fucking hammered in his kitchen. Like, we're drinking for like an hour with Annalise in his kitchen. It was like me, him, and Annalise, and we were just taking shots. And like, the funny part is he didn't have any chaser. So like for a whole bottle of, of Ketel One vodka, we had like one cream soda.

Oh my God.

Then they ended up going to the bar.

Yeah.

And I just like, I really don't like going out at all. And Joe's like, yeah, you shouldn't go out. Like, just stay in. Like, what's the— like, you know, people go out and eat and like, I just don't like doing that. And Joe's always like the one to tell me, like, no, don't go out, especially don't go to a bar. Like, that's just not the best look. Joe gets to the bar at like 11:00 and 11:27 After all month telling me never to go out, he texts me. He texts me, run to Saddle, maybe you'll get a TikTok. I'm drunk, it would be fun. It's like seeing your boss on a Friday. Come on, please just come to Saddle. And then I don't respond, and a minute later he goes, ah, never mind, don't. And then I go, I can't come. And he goes, it would be cool though. Fuck, are you sure? Ah man, that's what he said. Read the—

read the text that he sent you, dude. I was— I was honestly like at the house last night. I was trying to impress Annalise, like, for some reason, you know, because, like, I don't really know Annalise that well, right? I was trying to be like, you know, smooth or whatever. But like, instead of doing that, I got both of them drunk.

Oh, Annalise was drunk too?

Yeah.

He was texting everybody because Scott has messages too that he was reading last night. Here's what he texted me. I'm drunk. Ilya, don't me drunk. Sorry, I got to go. You're a dog's friend. Good friend. Asterisk. So he tried to say good friend, dude, dog's friend, and then he tried to correct it and wrote good friend. See you in the AM. Love you, dude. Put these on a billboard, David. Thanks for being there. No, why did I say hi? He'll know what it means. No worries.

Dude, dude, by the end of the night in the kitchen, he was taking swings from the bottle.

Like he was literally hugging from the bottle.

Yeah. I got a text the other day that says that I've interacted with somebody sexually that has possibly tested positive for it. Right, right. And I've gotten those texts before, so I knew it was a prank.

So you had sex with anybody?

So, I mean, right. Well, let me get to the— let me get to the—

let me get to saying there's no girls coming in and out of here for you. No, not, not. And I don't mean it.

What? You do.

Yeah, I'm so confused. Why did you derail this?

Why did you just attack him? Yo, you're not getting laid, pussy.

Are you getting laid?

Yo, you ain't getting no bitches.

Because I thought it was funny to tell you that you're not getting any pussy.

Yeah, I know, but it was just so like off-color.

Was it?

Yeah. What, you weren't—

you—

I think either A, he goes, that's true, and there's a laugh, or B, he's like, no, you guys are like, no, actually he's killing it, and then I find out something I didn't know.

No, you're right, you're right, you're right. But it was just weird.

Oh, how do you know he's right?

No, I'm saying he's right. He's like, he's right. Those are the two options that could have been funny for that. But, but it's just coming from Jason. It's how you— it's how you approach with that joke.

Okay, how should I have done it? You tell me, master comedy. I just think Mr. Hyde in the Bush—

everyone here thought it was weird, man. And hey, my Hyde in the Bush is very famous. It sucks because I didn't even invent that gag. And like, I'm already—

I'm going— no, that's what I was thinking. I was like, you've accomplished so much on YouTube, so many creative things. I know it boils down to you and a Ghillie suit.

I'm going around fucking a gag from the '70s that's been around for ages.

But that's okay.

Okay, so what happened?

I'm sorry, man.

So you have herpes?

Yeah, bottom line, I have herpes.

Yeah, see, he does fuck people.

I told you to yourself.

He gave it to himself. Now that's a funny joke. Now, now you're in the Bush League.

I'm getting there. So what happened?

Someone— anyways, I get a text and, um, all right, fuck you.

Was that a tea kettle? What? The test— the text says you may have an STD.

I get a text, I ignore the text. I'm like, this is obviously a a fucking joke. And our friend Mike from home calls me and he goes, yo, did you, uh, did you get that text? And I was like, yeah, you fuckhead, was it you? And he's like, yeah. And, um, and, and like 2 weeks go— goes by and Mike calls me again. He's like, dude, you won't believe what happened. I'm like, what happened? He sent the text to another one of our friends and that friend went and got tested and he didn't know about it. Like, Mike didn't know that he went and got tested. He accidentally found out because they were golfing and like his friend that he sent the text to was like, yeah, bro, I got this weird text about like HIV testing.

Like, that's not bad though.

I thought you didn't test positive.

Yeah, no, I thought, I thought you were gonna say that he went and got tested for something. He did.

Oh, what? His friend? Yeah, Mike sent it to me. I didn't fall for it, but his other friend, our other friend did fall.

Was he positive for—

no, he didn't get— he's not positive, he just got tested.

Oh, that's fine. Oh yeah, people get tested all the time.

Yeah, but now we see why.

It's funny how it's funny. And you won't believe what happened. He wouldn't got tested. What a fucking idiot. What a fucking idiot. You, dude.

Okay, listen, I'm not getting laid either.

Hey, listen, man, who gets tested? Who gets tested?

Hey, I, I don't think it's weird that he got tested. I just, I think it's funny that he fell for it. And like, yeah, I don't know, it's maybe it's not that funny, but I tried.

Okay, it— no, it's funny.

I mean, how are you not getting that? Means you're as pathetic as I am.

What?

You know how pathetic I am.

Jason, what the fuck are you doing?

Wait, wait, I'm so—

I'm just so lost.

You're an attractive guy. You're Your body is rocking. I see you in the gym. I'm not attacking David. Stop fucking doing that. That is bullshit. You manipulate little shit. Don't fucking do that.

Dude, I won't have Jason around anymore.

That's cool.

Yeah, you are so mean to him all the time. I'm not being mean.

Yeah, fuck him, bro.

Fuck it. Good.

I'm glad I brought you together. Be friends with that fucking piece of shit covered in dirt when he comes home from work.

Fuck you just because I'm a bush.

No, seriously, you're a good-looking guy, you know. Do you have any girls in your life? Is where I'm headed with it.

Mm-hmm. I'm sorry. What are you asking?

He's asking if you're getting laid.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. But not like fucking— not like daily.

Hey, you know what I found out is you don't tell me about that kind of stuff.

Yeah, you don't tell me either.

Yeah, well, no way, Jay.

Well, yeah, I mean, like, I don't think it's necessary to tell you. You don't tell me.

I don't know.

Like, if you were to ask, I'd be like, yeah, sure.

I just don't get laid.

I don't really get laid either.

Me neither.

Oh, dope.

Hey, speaking of sex, San Francisco police interrupt sex party involving dwarves. Emus, and a fountain of sperm. 71 arrests. The San Francisco Police Department interrupted an extremely lewd party early this morning in a luxurious residence of Presidio Heights neighborhood, arresting 71 people and seizing 71 dwarves.

Seizing 2 whores?

2 boars.

Like, who are the whores? There's 71 dwarves involved and just 2 of them got branded as whores?

Police arrived. They described the scene as a mix of between an orgy and a circus freak show and immediately called for backup.

Why is that illegal?

Condoms?

Why is that illegal? A fountain? And also, what is a fountain of semen?

Yeah, I don't know. Where did they get it?

What I would imagine is it's just like a fondue fountain, but instead of filling up with chocolate, everyone just comes in and then it just keeps regenerating. Well, not regenerating. Oh, like, yeah, yeah, like recycling. It recycles itself. Yeah.

Wow, they had to catch all the wild animals that were there. It was extremely delicate operation. Hundreds of naked people trying to flee with emus and boars with all gags in your mouth.

Are you kidding?

It was a very chaotic scene.

Oh, that's really funny. I hope this is a real story. What's the article? Who posted it?

Joe?

My mom sent it to me.

No, it's on— you know what? It's on one of those websites that I've never heard of before.

The Onion.

World News Daily Report. Maybe the Fountain of Sperm was just one dude just shooting a ton of ropes.

That's what I thought. I thought that too. I was like, there must— I think the Fountain of Sperm, that must be one of the guys' nicknames. Like, it must be just one dude who's like, He was like, oh yeah, that's Mitchell. He's about to do the fountain tonight. Mitchell, at midnight, when it strikes midnight, after he gets done fucking the boar, he will shoot out a fountain of sperm.

Jesus.

I mean, that's what it is. That's why, Natalie, I'm just reading stories. We are a news podcast and we like to—

yeah, we like to report on the most important current events.

That's what we do. I have a funny story.

Hit it.

Um, so about a month ago Todd bought a vibrator for me.

And whoa, Natalie, you're getting very comfortable with us recently.

Let me preface this, okay? We were like—

I saw it. What?

Yo, Jay, is this one cool?

No, no, Joe was in Todd's room and he like tried to grab the— he grabbed the vibrator and he was like joking around. He's like, like he was gonna put it in his mouth, and Todd's like, don't do that, we used it.

Oh Oh boy.

Okay. So like a month ago, Todd and I were like fucking around on Amazon and we got one of those like pocket things, whatever. It has like a remote.

Yeah.

So you got that for me or whatever.

Wait, that pocket things?

Yeah, like as a remote.

It's for the girl.

For me?

Yeah. Oh yeah. And you put it inside the girl and then your significant other can control it with a remote. That's so funny.

You guys aren't going anywhere out in public. I don't know.

Just across the living room when they're sitting across from Zane, just to see if Zane can notice.

So that happened. It wasn't anything great, so like whatever. Didn't want to use it anymore.

Yeah.

And then my girlfriends were here just the other week, and apparently Todd asked them, he was like, I want to get Natalie like a really special gift. What should I get her? And I had no idea this had happened. And one of my friends, after she left, she was like, hey, hint hint, Todd's getting you something really special. And I was like, oh cool. Like, and she was like, do you want me to tell you what it is? I was like, no, keep the surprise. Like, I want to be surprised.

Hint hint. Who does that? Hint hint, surprise is coming.

I know, she's the worst. She cannot keep secrets.

Um, hey Natalie, don't want to ruin anything, but Todd's getting you something.

And so I'm really excited because I'm like, what could it be? And like, if, if my friends are in on it, it's going to be like something good. And, um, so then like 2 weeks ago he texts me and he's like, hey, your gift came in. I was like, oh, my gift? What's my gift? Like acting all like I have no idea what's happening. And he comes over and brings it to me and it's another vibrator. And I was I got it and I thought it was gonna be like the something and like it was a little box and they unwrap it and yeah, literally like Cartier jewelry or something.

It was another vibrator and I was like, oh, was this like a good one though?

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, it must have been like a, like a $100 one, right?

Yeah, this one's for your asshole. And so I was like, I opened it and I was like, and I was thinking it was gonna be something else, so my reaction was kind of like, oh, you know. And he was like super embarrassed. He's like, oh, like, you know, like you don't have to take, you know, whatever. And, um, take it back. And I was like, no, it's great. So blah blah. And then last week he said, I have an actual gift for you. And he got me— it was a purse. But it was so funny because I texted my girlfriend. I was just like, I think I got Todd's gift. And she was like, you think? You would know if you got it. And she's like, what was it? And I was like, a pink vibrator. And she was like, no, Natalie, it's not a pink vibrator. It's actually something good. And then it was a purse.

Ah, so you thought that—

I thought he just got me two vibrators and I was just being like, this thing that was amazing.

And then in the purse there was a vibrator.

I just thought it was So funny. And Todd had no idea, but it was really funny.

Why is Todd outside the window right now looking in with a remote control?

I walk in on Natalie naked so often, it's fucking crazy. What? Yeah, Natalie, you know that, right?

Wait, what?

I walk in naked on you a lot.

I thought you were just totally kidding.

No, no, I do. I've walked in on you naked like 2 or 3 times probably.

Wait, when? Am I just like, am I asleep?

All right, well, so what, what'll happen is I'll knock on the door and you'll just fucking invite yourself. Well, no, I'll knock on the door and I'll start opening and you go, wait, wait, wait. But like, your wait, wait is already when I am seeing you. Really? Yeah, it's always so late and I never say anything because I'm like, whatever, she's naked.

Yeah.

And then I just close the door. But it's happened like 3 times.

I know, because you, you just, you just barge in. Well, no, knock knock doesn't do anything.

No, no, no camera in there, man.

No, because you'll— no, because you'll have the door like, you won't have it closed and you'll have it like crack. Yeah, you'll have it like crack.

Yeah, that's so weird. I, I've experienced the same thing.

Yeah, you'll have it crack.

Literally.

Oh, you've seen her naked too?

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, literally. And I'm so confused because it's open and like like, you'll think it's open, so I'll push it a little. Like, my knock already kind of pushes it because I'm knocking and it's getting pushed. And then, and then I see you, then you're like, wait, wait, wait, wait. And you're like, your one hand's over your tit and the other's like looking for a shoe. And like, and like, that's happened like 3 times. It's not a big deal. And like, I don't think anything of it. It's literally just like seeing my sister naked.

So you like my boobs?

Well, I shouldn't have said the sister comment after that, after what you just said. Um, no, but that is funny.

Well, I just assume that like nobody's gonna like come into my room. So like sometimes I'll like quickly change the door door is like wide open, right?

I think that's what it is. I think every time you're changing, coincidentally, I happen to be right there.

Oh, coincidentally.

So, so Joe got me a Gucci watch. He surprised me with a Gucci watch.

Yeah, I see it.

Yeah, it's pretty dope. But there's a, there's a story behind it. Um, first off, we were in line at the Gucci store on Rodeo Drive, and we all had our masks on, whatever. We were like a second, uh, to go into the store, and these group of girls like passed by us right? And they, they recognize me.

Yeah.

And I'm like, oh boy, here we go. Because like, I'm, I'm in a line for like a really, really nice designer store, right? So like, the people like that are also online, I, I don't want them to like— I don't want to bring any attention in it is what I'm trying to say, right?

Sure.

So these girls, um, they, they start like freaking out. They're like panicking, whatever. They like walk up to me and they're like, oh my— like, they're screaming like, oh my God, oh my God! And like, all these people in line are like fucking staring at me. I'm like, goddamn. I meant. And she's like, oh my God, are you, are you, are you David's friend? It's like, yep, that's me. And, um, she's like, oh my God, can we get a photo? And like, I took a photo or whatever, but I was like, wow, that was really fucking embarrassing. All that, all that fucking hype for that. Like, are you that guy on YouTube? That hangs out with David. Like, you were in his car, right?

Yeah, that's the guy, Becky. I swear I saw him in the car. He sits in the backseat.

So, like, that's how that is.

How celebrity is, huh? It's fucking weird.

Joe likes surprising people because, like, it's like a fun video for him.

Yeah.

And, and he'll always ask me, like, you need anything for your house? Like Tupperware?

Yeah.

Like kitchen, kitchen utensils? Like maybe some towels? Because he just wants to surprise me with random shit. So, like, if I ever need anything, like, kind of small, like a microwave, like, he's the guy to go to because I'm like, Joe, I need a microwave. And you're like, perfect, I'll surprise you tomorrow. Like, I needed— I like— I needed— I wanted a TV over my bathtub. I just had an idea.

Yeah.

And he overheard it and he goes, what, TV over bathtub? And the next day there was a TV mounted on my wall over my bathtub. So, um, he's the guy to go to when you need things fixed around your house.

Yeah, the other day he's, uh, he's like, yo, would it be cool if I surprised you with a bathtub? I was like, I'm not— he's like, would it be cool if I surprised you with a tub. I was like, yeah, it would be cool if you didn't tell me about it.

You ever hear about how people think Starbucks is like misspelling their names on cups on purpose? No, you've never heard that theory?

They always spell Jason right.

Yeah, but like, like, it's a, you know, you know the thing how Starbucks will misspell names, right? Yeah, people say that it's like a marketing scheme, which I completely disagree with. I think there's no fucking way.

Okay, so how— why would that help their company?

Because people talk about They take photos, they take photos of the cop. Like, I mean, just for the same reason, you know, we know that we all know the story of Starbucks misspelling names. I was— I'm like, no fucking way. Maybe it's a brand smart enough to do that.

A lot of people just don't know how to spell names.

Totally. That's what I think.

If you get a name like Esther, spell it.

That's my sister's name.

Natalie.

Honestly, still couldn't tell you how to spell it. Is it E-S-T-E-R or E-S-T-H-E-R?

T-E-R. No, it's not.

Oh my God, we literally do not know.

It's Esther. E-S-T-H-E-R.

Okay, I agree.

Oh, but her sister—

my sister does— my sister spells with an H. No, does she change it?

No, it's not Esther Dobrik. I've seen her on TikTok.

Let's call her.

Well, her—

her—

yeah, call your sister. Put her on the phone.

Okay, she's in my contacts as Sister. Sister Number One.

What?

Are you crying?

No.

Okay, you're on my podcast. We're having an argument. I think your name is spelled E-S-T-H-E-R. Natalie's saying it's E-S-T-E-R. Are you joking? I told you, Natalie, you're stupid as hell. E-S-T-H-E-R. There's no H. There's— when was— okay, is that a— was that a recent change that you made? Made, or has it been like that for a while?

David, it's your dad. You're such a dick, man. How could you not know?

No, I'm kidding. I knew. I was just trying to make something funny for the podcast.

Put your dad on.

All right, well, I'll see you later.

We gotta find you a psychologist.

Hey, tell our parents that I called you because they'll be really happy about it, okay? No, no, just let them know. Let them know that. And tell them I asked a lot of questions, and, and I'm— and I just— and I tell my— tell them I said I, I miss— I miss you guys. And say I tried calling Sarah but she didn't pick up, even though it's not true. I don't have her number saved, but just tell— okay, just let them all know. No.

Okay.

Okay. I'll miss you. I miss you. Bye. Wow. Uh, someone from TikTok texted me, um, our safety team thinks that your brother is under the age of, uh, of 13. Is there any way you could prove that he is not? And he's 11. Um, but I just responded responded. I responded, he's 14, I swear.

They've been like hounding us to give Toby's real age.

And I go, is there like proof? Is like an ID you can send me? So I took a piece of paper and from like, it's like a benchwarmer's joke. I wrote he's 14 with a $100 bill and I sent a picture to her.

The other day I was here and I was doing Dr. Phil and I'm not getting high anymore. I want to let you know that.

Yeah, I know.

I can't.

You say, let me—

don't let me touch weed.

The last time I touched weed You say this often, but every time, like, every time I can convince Jason to smoke weed, every, every time, like, Jason's around and he's doing something, like, he was dressed up as Dr. Phil the other day and I was like, oh, it'd be funny if you took a hit of the bong, which is really funny. Yeah, it is funny. It is funny. And I was like, he's probably gonna say no because he doesn't want that to ruin his entire day because then he won't be funny. But immediately he's like, yeah, I'm down. And like, he's always down to smoke weed. And then, and then after like literally 10 minutes, it's always like on a timer. He starts going, oh man, why'd you make me smoke that weed? David, I'm, I'm beat for today. I shouldn't have smoked that. I'm luggage. And like, I'm like, I'm like, Jason, at least like have a positive attitude about this. Like maybe you'll be able to overcome this. But fucking Negative Nancy comes out of nowhere just bitching about smoking.

So I'm truly like not myself. I can't think.

I know, it's so funny. Jason said he got so high as Dr. Phil that the next morning he woke up to take his son to school and he started talking to him as Dr. Phil because he still couldn't lose the voice because he was still high from the night before. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Shout out to my new co-host, Jason Nash.

Thank you.

We're trying him out this, this episode. I really think we're going to keep you around.

Great. Send the contracts over. I'm ready to be a part of the Views team.

How—

wait a minute, I've done 40— 400 of these.

How does 2% sound?

Uh, I heard the last guy got 30.

We're making some changes. All right, we'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff.

Bye.