David’s Roommate Owes Him $324,000

What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views. We are back with another pod. Big news this week. Natalie's sister has lost a lot of weight. She looks so fucking hot. I've been saving to talk about this.

Okay, all right, let's go. Someone did mention that last night. Someone being my wife. She's like, Natalie's sister lost a lot of weight.

Yeah.

Okay. This is why I was bringing it up. I was bringing it up because, you know, my roommate, John Castro, English isn't his first language. And the way he communicates with people is, could be completely wrong and off-putting, but he doesn't know any better. So like whenever he says something that is offensive, obviously you don't pay attention to it because it's John. So Natalie's sister looks amazing. She's been doing 75 Day Hard and John walks up to her. I mean, on the internet, this is going to sound bad, but he goes, So what are you, anorexic now?

Yeah, I was. And she was just like frozen. She was like stunned in her—

Yeah, it was like the craziest thing. And John's been— I wish John was here because like, so John's my Filipino friend and I have to say Filipino because I have to explain the fact that he's foreign. And he's like, I mean, how do you describe this man?

He's just like the best guy in the world. But words are not his thing.

No. So bad at putting words together. But has like the sweetest heart.

You know what?

Let's bring John in here.

Yes, that is a golden idea. I was just thinking that too. How did you read my mind?

Well, we've been doing this for a while.

What am I thinking of right now? On 3. 1, 2, 3.

Penis and balls.

Damn it.

So close.

Welcome to Views. That's our trailer for when Spotify asks us. They're always sharp. They're always witty. And they're always saying the same thing. No, before I bring on Jon though, we should like talk about like the origins of Jon. Like I have 4 hometown friends, including Natalie. And all of us are friends just by proximity. I've spoken about this before. Like none of us have anything really in common. Now we do, 'cause we've grown together. But at the time Natalie was the hot chick. And 'cause she lived right by us. 'Cause she was, we were—

The only thing we had in common is that we lived like within walking distance of each other.

We were all the lower class in our school. So like lower middle class, I would say. I think that's what we were. What we were. And yes, like I met my best friend Alex who lives with me because his stepdad came over and was like, can you please play with my son? He's really bored. And then Alex watched and then Alex just sat on the couch, watched me unbox my brand new Wii and play bowling in front of him. That was like our first interaction. Natalie, it was— I don't know. We were walking by her.

Natalie used to go by her window and watch her shower.

Natalie actually knew way longer before she knew me for a couple months.

No, it was from We were walking home from middle school, right?

Okay, yeah, yeah, that's where we kind of caught up. And John, same fucking shit. It's just like, I don't know. And none of us knew why we liked the other person. It was just because we had no one else to hang out with. It was really, really strange. But yeah, high school was a different time. You know what, I've been thinking about high school recently. I would get so many boners at church.

What?

Yeah.

No.

What do you mean, yeah? Why are you saying yeah?

Oh no, I think it's interesting.

Well, where would you get your boners? Why would you— why would I do that?

It's interesting. Yeah, why at church? A Sunday morning?

I had this girl that would message me, and this was like before I hooked up with anybody, and she would send me the dirtiest things Sunday morning. I have no idea why.

Maybe she was also at church. She was wanting to sin.

It was really, really crazy. Wow. And is that a normal thing? I'm losing my voice. I think God's dragging me to hell for bringing this up. Um, no, but yeah, okay. I know that's a little random, but I bring that up because I'm trying to think about trying to put myself in my high school mindset. And my biggest fear was always that my parents could read my mind. Did you ever have that growing up? I definitely like, yes, I definitely like thought that every time I was around my parents, especially in high school. Or especially in church when I would have these impure thoughts, I'd turn to my parents and I'd literally go, I know you can fucking read my mind. Like in my head. And I'd go, this is none of your business.

Stay out of my head.

Which I feel like, did you do that as a kid?

No, I didn't think someone could read my mind.

It's really interesting 'cause like there'll be memes on like TikTok and Instagram and like I saw a meme the other day and it was like someone staring randomly into a corner and the caption was, me when I was a kid staring into a random corner of my room so the ghost in my room knew that I could see it. And all the comments are like, what the fuck? We're all thinking the same thing. Like, none of us had the same childhood.

Yeah.

But I'm wondering if you don't share the same childhood whatsoever.

Yeah.

Because you grew up in the same period, like a different period.

A different period.

Yeah.

I didn't have the internet. I didn't have— I had like 3 channels.

Like, like, like my biggest, my biggest thing in church and in school was— what the fuck's going on with my voice? In church and in school was, what do I do if a shooter walks in? That was always a big thought of mine. It's like, how am I going to protect the school and be the biggest hero here?

Did you have hero fantasies?

100%.

Did you guys have tests and stuff? Like, you have to get under the desks and shit like that?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

That's wild. 1,000%. Which is another crazy thing, because it's like the meme would be like, you're training the school shooter where everybody's hiding. Yeah. It's not like the school shooters ever come from outside of the school. It's always one of the kids in the class. So that is a little strange.

Darryl, you're going to sit this one out. You go to the gym while we figure out what we're going to do.

The freakiest kids.

Oh man, come on.

I'm not going to shoot up the school, guys. Just in case, though. Yeah, but what's something that— what's a common thing that you shared? I don't know. There's so many common fantasies. That I feel like I shared growing up with a lot of people. Like Natalie, what's another one? Or Jason, either of you. But I just don't think that, Jay, you've had the same ones as we have.

This is just maybe a personal thing. I've kind of grown out of it now because I do live on my own, so I have no choice. But I would never, as a kid at least, I would never, if my parents were not home, I would never shower because I just had this paranoia that I was going to get stabbed in the shower. Just because I think from horror movies as a kid.

I'm sure you've grown out of that.

Why are you going to fucking come spook me or something?

No. Jesus Christ. I was going to put a robe on you, Natalie. I was fucking making a joke about you being sneaky. Why did you take it that far? Why are you going to come fuck me in the shower?

That wasn't really what I was insinuating.

Dude, you are such a horny motherfucker.

I don't think I'm the perv in this situation.

No, Natalie. You know what?

But that's just, yeah, that might just be me.

Yeah, no, I would definitely— a thousand— wait, you would never shower when you were with your parents?

No, if I was home alone, and definitely at night. I never showered at night. I was just so, like, scared.

Oh, that's like your mom thing, to leave you alone. My parents rarely left me alone.

Well, yeah, she was a single mother that was working.

Had to go buy crack.

2, 3 jobs.

Had to go buy crack at midnight.

No.

Natalie, I'll be right back, okay?

What a terrible joke.

Don't shower.

What a terrible joke to say on the podcast.

Well, I mean, it's—

I don't know how—

She doesn't smoke crack.

I know, she, like, doesn't smoke crack. Smoke crack at all.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Where did that come from? Why did we start saying—

Yeah, why do you think that my mom smokes crack?

I don't know why I just automatically default to crack with her. I should try something else, but I'm just so stuck on my ways. Yeah. Um, but yeah, so, so that's kind of the origin story of—

It's pretty cool you accomplished it, that you got all your friends here.

Like, that's—

you should be really proud of that.

It's so weird.

Yeah, like, that's awesome. Like, so many people say that they would do that. You know when people are in high school, they're like, yeah, and then one day I'm gonna make it big and I'm gonna— oh, we're all gonna live together.

They don't understand that for some reason. Like, I'll walk into Alex's room. Alex is probably the best room in the house other than your boy, um, um, because Alex's room is like the view-facing— it's fucking crazy.

Corner, corner suite.

Yeah, it's like a— it's like a— yeah, it's insane. Um, and like, I walk in there, I'm like, are you fucking seeing this? And he goes, yes, David, I'm seeing it. Because I, I don't know, I don't know if they—

you're the landlord.

Yeah, the landlord that just comes in too often. How cool is this spot you're renting from me? Yes, I think it's crazy. I don't know if they think it's crazy, as crazy as I do. Nah, I mean, correct me if I'm wrong here.

Looking back at like when I lived here, yeah, you know, and like I lived with David for several years, and like before I made the move here, I would— my friends were like, what are you doing? And I would sell it to them. And the fact that like my 'Oh, my amazing friend has this multimillion-dollar home in the Hollywood Hills. Like, it's amazing.' And it was amazing. I'm not trying to say it wasn't. But like, it is— you do a lot. Like, it's like— I feel like there's a little bit of apprehension just because it's like, 'Oh, my friend got this for me,' you know? And like, you don't have a sense of independence.

Oh, really? Apprehension? Natalie, you moved your mom in in like 2 weeks. Natalie was real apprehensive for the first 3 days she was there.

She needed a place to stay.

All of a sudden, Mama Jen sleeping on the couch. Hey, Jen, I thought you were going to be here for a couple days. 4 months have passed. No one was living here. That's my— oh, sorry. Yeah, we are talking about— no, I was talking about the old house.

Oh, well, that's because—

but yeah, my favorite joke is the fact that the first person to live in this house, a brand new build by the way, this was just dirt here, was Natalie's mom. So I don't know if I— maybe that's where the crack squatter joke originates from. But yeah, someone was cooking up in here before I got chance to live with you.

Thank you, David. We appreciate you and your kindness.

No, no, no.

Moochings are the best, huh?

No, because Natalie— this was her argument. This was her argument. This was the craziest Natalie argument, by the way, ever. Yeah. Natalie was like— because she was living with me, um, at the old house. At the old house. And I was like, Nat, like, maybe, maybe she shouldn't live at the new house quite yet, like, until we get everything set up. And she's like, so what, that she's going to live here? And then I'm like, no, maybe not that either. And then Natalie goes, so you're gonna get her a hotel? Do you remember that? Probably.

I mean, it totally sounds like something I said.

I was like, I went straight—

we're not dating.

I went straight to— yeah, I was like, do you fucking believe this woman? Yeah.

I mean, I knew it was— I knew like her living in the house with the three of us was obviously not gonna fly, but I was also just like, I don't know where to put my mom for two weeks.

Like, yeah, but it like wasn't my responsibility. You do understand that? Yeah, but we also shared a home.

Like, that was also like my home as well.

I guess. Yes. I've never been like that. It's just—

I don't know. I just— it doesn't like— it doesn't— it doesn't like— I don't know. I just think of my mom as like an extension.

Sure.

So I like don't think like— I don't think she's like that extension. I don't know how to explain it.

She's looking for an extension cord. David?

Oh man. Real quick, Natalie has to leave, so we're gonna trade in John.

A good swap here.

I know, so good.

Good trade.

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Hello.

Okay.

I wanted him to go like, nakau.

So far he's one for one.

That's Japanese, bro.

I know, I know.

The fact that he has to tell you what to say.

How do you say hello in Filipino?

Hello.

Really?

No, no, no.

Yeah, kumusta.

Spanish.

It's like, how are you?

That's how you say it in Filipino? You say hi?

I always say that.

Okay, so you just changed it. You just went from—

are you— are you a CIA spy?

You're learning 14 languages. Except that would explain a lot of different things. So, okay, so we brought you in because you've been acting up. We think you're going full LA. So you've been saying— you've been saying some crazy things recently.

Wait, like what? All right, fine. All right, fuck it, let's go.

I'm comfortable. Ilya's here too. What was, what was the thing he said that was really bizarre? Oh, so first we started— first he did the thing where we were sitting in a room. We were sitting in a room and Taylor— poor Taylor's cat is sick. And Taylor's like, Taylor's like, is there any way you could watch him this week while I go to Joshua Tree this weekend? So Taylor asked John if he can watch the cat in front of John's girlfriend, and John goes Yeah, if you do that thing I like. And he rubs his fingers together, motioning for money. And John's girlfriend goes, ew, John, what the fuck was that? And like the entire room was so grossed out by the fact that John was like, yeah, if you slip me some money, I'll watch your cat.

There's nothing worse than when a girl says ew.

Yeah, it's the worst.

It kills you.

And it amplified the vibe in the room by like 10x.

Yeah.

And this is— I actually felt— I love picking on John, whatever. I've known him 20 years. I don't give a fuck. But like here I felt bad because we were all going in on him. Like, even me, who, like who? I was like, okay, let's leave Jon alone. Even I was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, no, let me finish. On the outside, I was like, what the fuck, John? Look, I was definitely dogpiling onto this.

Yes.

So. But you do understand that it was a little bizarre and just that in just that little situation.

But also, I. This is where my head was. Okay, I'll show you where her head was. Taylor has been taking care of this fucking cat for how long now? Cause it's been sick. Yeah, like deathly sick. It's got, like, Covid.

cat. Yeah, it's got FIPA or something.

Yeah, you sound annoyed that she's trying to save the cat.

No, because everyone's just ganging up on me. All right, Jay, you have no idea.

Well, she's taking care of the cat.

Wait, wait, wait, you haven't told us why you're mad yet. You're just saying— you're just saying Taylor's been a really good person to take care of the cat. Taylor's been such a bitch trying to save this cat's life. Yeah, okay, it sounds horrible.

No, no, no, just because I knew there was like implications to it.

There—

I thought there was going to be a lot more, but But when she broke it down, that's when I felt bad because I was like, it was actually really simple. Because the cat—

So you were saying it's going to be more complicated than just feeding the cat.

Yeah, because like you have to go drive somewhere to her apartment and check on the cat.

Yeah.

And it's like all weekend.

But he was going to that apartment anyway because that's the same apartment his brother lives in, which is also the other cat he has to check up on.

Oh, okay. So it's two for one. You're there anyway.

Yeah, but he thought he could sneak a little cash in there. Yeah, I could.

I mean, yeah, that's expensive life is, dude. I can't, I can't buy eggs, bro. It's like, it's like $12.

How much money do you have in your bank account?

Good question.

How much?

Good question.

It's like negative.

No, wait, how much would you say?

Pick up your phone and look.

Like, John, I don't mean to out you, but are you in credit card debt?

Yeah, well, no, I do have credit card debt for sure.

Yeah, yeah, John, how much money do you have? It dep—

I mean, depends. Like, it could be like, like 4, 4 or 5K. And then 401k, obviously.

401k.

Hey man, I've been working hard, bro.

I don't really— I don't know if that's a lot.

Okay, well let's do some quick math. So you have 4 or 5K in your bank account. How much do you have in credit card debt?

Probably more than that.

Really? Huh? You would say your credit card debt is higher than 4 or 5K? Yeah.

Yeah. For sure.

Oh my God. Okay. Yeah. Wait, what? Why? Is this normal, Ilya?

I mean, it shouldn't be, but like for some people, unfortunately.

Because what are your expenses? I don't mean to out you here, right?

Oh my God.

Well, I'm also confused now.

Okay, explain.

Because you drive a car.

Yes.

You don't buy— you don't pay for the car. You don't pay for electricity. You don't pay for your home.

You don't pay—

I mean, most of the time—

You just had a leftover sandwich from one of the events here.

You don't even pay for the food.

Wait, wait, where's your money going? And Ilya means this because Ilya gifted him a Tesla.

Yes.

He plugs it into the house, which is obviously I'm paying for the electricity bill, and obviously he doesn't pay rent here. So wait, where are they? And John goes to work. Yes. How much are you fucking eating on your own at Korean barbecue?

Wait, John, are you spending all that money on those fucking Disneyland tickets?

No.

What are you spending your money on? You should have like— you should have like $20,000, $25,000 in the bank.

No.

Okay, $20,000, $25,000 is crazy.

No rent for the last— how long have you been living here?

2 years.

2 years?

2 years, but one of those years was— what?

What?

I didn't make a lot of money.

You still don't make a lot of money.

Which one of us owe more money? All right, technically, technically, he's got to pour.

You got more debt, L. Yeah.

That is fine.

Hold on, let's back up.

But El's got, El's got, um, well, I don't know, actually. Come on, come on. I was going to go with potential, but I was like, it's been a while since he's paid me back.

I paid you back today.

No, I don't.

I paid you $81,000 today.

$81,000? You paid me $81,000 today?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

You promise?

Yeah, what do you mean?

Okay, okay, how much do you owe me? We don't have to say. A couple more.

Couple more $81,000.

That's my car.

Okay, yeah, okay, so, okay, so everyone here has some in debt.

I love that Ilya was going for Jon's throat.

And Ilya's in debt, $3.4 million.

Yeah, Jon, I'm in a much worse position.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, Ilya gets it, man. Debt is fine.

Okay.

Yeah, well, listen, credit card debt and like borrow from your best friend and maybe never pay him back debt.

Yeah, credit card debt is irresponsible on the person that has the debt, and the Ilya kind of debt is irresponsible on the guy he borrowed it from. That's my fault more so than it is his. No, but okay, so okay, I am surprised you don't have more money because I feel like if I wasn't paying rent, I would be fucking— it's not like you're walking around with Gucci things. You wear Young LA, you take the clothes that we have sent to us here, right? I mean, literally everything.

Now I got a girlfriend though.

Okay, is that what you're spending money on?

Expensive.

Yeah, girlfriend.

Can I tell you what? We've never talked about this. We gave John a job once. I'm like, in my head, I want to employ all my friends because I'm like, if I'm giving the money to somebody, I want to give it to my friends and then I can hang out with them more. So we gave John the job of security.

Yes, I remember this.

Out front. And this was when we had that really bad security guard. So we're like, how can it get any worse than this guy? And then I don't know, I think that was Illy and Natalie. They were like, you can't have John out there. Like, what if someone comes?

Dude, that was actually so good. It was like, it was like, it was like zen. I saw the sunlight.

I'm like, oh, I mean, it was a good—

So you did do it one night?

No, he did it for like months. Two weeks. Oh, I thought you did it for like two months.

No, no, no.

What went on out there?

Okay, I'll explain to you what went on. Call of Duty happened at 9 PM, and John was playing Call of Duty from 9 till about 2 in the morning.

That's why— that's also why I hired him. Yeah, you know, the way I saw it, I'm like, well, I don't need you sitting out front if we're playing Call of Duty. And he sits by the window when he plays COD, so I'm like, just keep your shades open, because it's the same thing. And like, and honestly, it was like I was paying for a nighttime, like, friendship run because everybody here goes to bed early. Alex goes to bed early, Ilya goes to bed early. Yeah. So like having a guy that has to stay up all night, especially when I was going to bed at 4. Yeah, I mean, it was incredible.

It was actually really cool. Yeah, because I'd only go do my shift for like 4 or 5 hours.

Yeah, you know, you're, you're a real— you ever see the show Entourage?

No.

Okay, never mind.

Don't say it. Say it.

Well, you're a real life turtle. Oh, it's a turtle. Turtle was this character from Entourage that like took care of the star.

Okay.

Drove him around.

But can you explain to me, Il, why he can't have that job? Like, what's the problem with that?

Well, the problem is like the real-life situation of someone trying to like get into the house. You know, what's Jon gonna do?

Jon takes the fake gun from Call of Duty.

But he'd warn us.

What? What do you mean he'd warn us?

Jon just looked at me like, "What?" No, I wouldn't. Why did you look at me like that? What would you do? Did you have a method? Was there ever a person that came up with a gun? There have been people that have approached the house with guns. Luckily it was different security, and now we're back to our better security than Jon. But did you have a plan if someone approached the house with guns?

No. I'd be like, what do you need?

I'll show you the place.

Jon would walk them right up to my room.

Dave's bedroom's on the left.

If you keep going that way, just leave me alone.

What happened to the $10,000 I gave you for your business?

God, dude, what are you talking about?

How did you spend it? Um, what do you think? Korean barbecue?

Yeah, Korean—

no, no, no, no. How did you spend it? On meetings? They were all tax write-offs?

Yeah, tax write-offs.

How did you spend the $10 grand? John had a fucking sunglasses company.

Okay, yeah. This is, Illya would say, my 70% trial trying to make it.

It. He's saying— Ilya is saying he didn't try hard enough. But how much money did you make? Negative. I feel like I'm in more disbelief about all of this than they are.

But I'm saying I'm like second, because you're the one that's paying for all of it.

What do you mean?

Like, you're the one that's hosting this event.

You're like, I can't believe I'm spending so much money on you guys.

Well, you're the one that's hosting the event, so like you're looking at it from like a third-person view, you know?

Like, yeah, we're just in a roller coaster, you know? We're just part of the ride.

Yeah, yeah. But like, we're all from the same small suburb, and like, I always have this like big dilemma here. Like, Ilya recently, like a month ago— he doesn't want to— fuck, he's gonna talk about this, but I'm gonna talk about it. He's like, I want to pay you rent. And I'm like, wow, that's the stupidest thing ever. Like, what's the point? He's like, because it makes me feel better. Which I get it, I think that's very noble, whatever, if he's gotta do it, he's gotta do it. But like, I'm making it very clear here, if any of these three were the rich ones, I would mooch off them till my fucking last dying breath.

See, that's what I'm doing good at!

So to me, to me it's very difficult, I understand, I'm in, I'm very lucky currently that I have the one that I am the one with the money. Everything changes here. This could change every— you know, Alex can be the rich one in 5 years, Ilya in 5, John, whatever. Ah, John and Alex have a good chance. No, no, but, but like, but I don't know, I just, I guess I don't really get that perspective. And maybe that also— I don't know. Ill?

Well, if I was in your position, yeah, then, and you wanted to mooch off of me and I was the one that had money, I would definitely shout you rent.

Actually, no, no, no, no, no, there's no way.

Let's go.

Have you, have you seen this guy? Like, who buys a $100,000 watch? Okay, that's, that's my salary times 2 for 2 years, dude. That's 44,080 hours salary.

First of all, you need a better job, bro. Okay, you can't be making $50K a year anymore in LA.

That's genuinely, it's a little bit more than that. Obviously.

Okay, $52,000.

No, no, no, no, $60,000.

No, I'm just saying in LA, that's like not a livable wage.

Yeah, of course. Okay, okay, okay. No, okay, wait a minute.

All right, I think, right, Jay?

It's like median average.

Well, no, if you live with roommates, right, like you can pull it off at like $50,000.

Yeah, yeah, I know, but John's $30,000. What? John's $30,000. What?

No, I'm not.

Yeah, dude.

John, you're smarter than that.

Sorry, no, let's not talk about that. I feel bad, but let's— let's—

no, I'm saying like he could, he could find it. I think you can do something where you can make more money because you are smart.

We've been telling him, Jay, dude, I want him to come work for me.

Yeah, why don't you do that?

Because I have nothing to offer.

He always says that. I'm like, well, that's the worst thing to say to a potential employer. Yeah, like if I was him, I'd be like, Dave, I don't know what I could do for you, but let me just prove to you that I can do it. That's what I'd say. And then I'd be like, all right, well, let's figure something out for you. There's a million things you could Yeah, I have nothing to offer is the craziest thing to say to a friend that's offering you a job that'll pay you more than what you're doing.

Yeah, why don't you do that?

I don't think that's what he means when he says that. I have nothing to offer.

What do you mean?

I know exactly what you mean, Ilya. He's saying you've done enough for me.

That's what that means. Yes, that's it.

Yeah, he doesn't want to be like, oh, and also I want you to pay me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean, there's no point. I already live in your house. I mean, you could pay me to live in your house.

There it is.

There it is.

Not bad. Would you be able to pay him to live here? That's a good deal.

Huh. Okay. How many hours? 24 hours a day? I'll make you $8.50 an hour, but I do work 24 hours a day. I can't really leave unless David wants to leave with me, but yeah, it's pretty good. Yo, did you see that John— that Natalie's sister lost a lot of weight?

Yeah, she lost a ton of weight.

She looks incredible.

What happened?

Like a supermodel. She's been— she's been doing 75 Day Hard.

Your challenge?

Yeah.

Shut the fuck up.

I'm not kidding.

On the Z-lab?

Yeah, on the Z-lab. No, I'm not kidding. Oh, you're a fucking asshole.

Are you promoting it?

I was playing along with it because I was just being nice and cool to you.

Fuck you.

That was great. Yeah, on the Z-lab. All right, listen, but you know what John says? Take a guess as to what John says when he walks up to her. Go. What's the most John thing that he said?

Let me think.

Hold on. What's the most John thing?

It's like a game show.

For $25,000.

Hold on. Give me 30 seconds.

What did John say to Natalie's sister when he complimented her?

Definitely like a backhanded compliment.

On her weight.

Alex has a guess. Go, go, go. Like, yeah, you needed to lose it.

Not bad.

You're on the right page. Do you want to say what you said? Do you want to say what you said?

No, you can say it.

I think it should come out of your mouth. Okay. Because I want to hear exactly how you said it. And don't sugarcoat it. Tell me exactly.

Yeah, okay.

Yeah, tell me exactly how you said it. Go.

I— okay, I was, I was just making small talk to Iza. I was like, oh my God, I had no idea that was you. I was like, dude, you look good. You're like, you're getting a little too anorexic, but oh my God, bro, you—

it was so good until that last—

yeah, dude, no, but no, I was just like, wow, you look really skinny.

Is that not crazy?

It wasn't crazy, okay?

John, you can't call—

you guys are losing my words.

Fucking anorexic, dude.

Obviously, okay? I was just half joke. I mean, I'm joking. I'm not half joking, but I'm joking, right?

But you can't say that to a girl. I mean, because she was really— I mean, I was like, hold on, dude. Do you understand where the problem was? I genuinely do think you meant it as a compliment.

Yeah, of course, right? Yeah, she looks great.

I mean, yeah, I don't think he was actually trying to say this.

I was gonna bring it up too.

Like, in his head, he wasn't trying to say it like, "You have a medical condition." I think he was trying to be like, "You just look so thin." I mean, at what point are we gonna stop defending John? Yeah, yeah, you're right.

Do you know what anorexic means?

Yeah, obviously. Okay.

What does it mean, John?

Very, you know, very thin. Like, to the bone.

It's like a really taboo word to throw around.

Okay, John, so next time you see a girl that's really skinny, what do you say?

You look great. And then what?

That's it.

Turn around.

Turn around and look down at her feet.

And John, never, never, never say congratulations, I see you're pregnant to a woman.

Oh, looking big there.

Never say that because the chance they might not be pregnant.

He actually doesn't swear.

He doesn't swear.

He doesn't use words to offend anybody.

I'm just trying to think of other things he could fumble up.

Well, you know what it is? I love, I love like bodies. That's why I love Like big, small. Jesus Christ, dude, it's crazy.

That's unbelievable, dude.

The human anatomy is insane.

Dude, if you gave this guy a podcast, he'd be in jail. They'd be like, yeah, I don't know, man. I barely can speak English, but from what I've gathered, I think he's got people buried in the basement. Um, okay, John, we're going to have to cut your time short here, but I do want to say we always make fun of him and we always give him shit. For like just how he chops up words and like every— like he just, he mispronounces everything. It's— and it's nonstop. It's incredible. When you hang out with him, we say these things like, we'll hang out with new people and we'll be like, just prepare for Jon. And they'll be like, what? What could possibly be the big deal? And literally within 10 minutes they're like, oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand. Like, it takes 10 minutes, like when you're with him in person. So the other day he came in from work, like just fired up. He's like, guess what, motherfuckers? Everyone check your phones and try to pronounce this word. He finally found a word that he thought was going to stump us, that we couldn't pronounce, right? So I check— we have a group chat— I check our phone and I'm like, we're all reading the word, we can't read it. Fragments?

Yeah.

And as I say frag— I'm the first to say it— he looks at me and goes, you're a fucking idiot. He goes, you're stupid. And then everyone else is like, frag— fragment— everyone's trying to figure out fragments. Yeah, like fragments. We're like, what What does this mean? And then John looks at the word and he's like, it's frag— it's frag— it's frag— fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fragment, fragment, fragment. And now he's caught himself in his own trap, which is crazy. And like, and this is the asshole me. For the last minute, I already know what he was trying to say, but I'm just like, let this man suffer.

Yeah, yeah.

So he's He's over there on the couch realizing that he's actually an idiot. And then when it kind of dies down and I think he's getting closer, I'm like, I think you meant to say fragrance.

Yeah.

And he's like, fuck, he was trying to say fragrance the entire time.

No, I spelled it wrong sending it to you guys and it didn't autocorrect.

Why did you bring up fragrance? What happened at work?

Well, it was the first time like my coworkers actually laughed at me.

Wait, why? What happened?

Because, um, I was looking at the test. It was like, okay, like different—

you were at a chem lab?

Yeah, yeah, different analytes. I was like, okay, hexandiol, caprylglycol. And then I saw this. I was like, does anyone— dude, does anyone test Fragrance over here? I've never— I've never seen any— I've never seen this test before. And they're like, what? That's really good. And then I was like, and then someone asked, did you mean fragrance?

He even said it wrong in the example. He just said pregnant.

I thought you meant to do that.

Someone asked, did you mean fragrance?

It is a tough one.

Okay, let's go. Let's try to get it. And then someone asked, say it, say go.

And someone asked Did you mean fragrance?

John?

What?

Fragrance, bro.

What?

Fragrance.

You did it again.

No, I didn't.

You did.

No, I didn't.

By catching lightning in a bottle, we have done it. We have captured a live representation of what it's like to be with John. John, you said it wrong again.

How? I said fragrance.

It's wrong, you dumbass.

Fragrance. I'm gonna explode.

I'm gonna explode. We're capturing this. John, say the sentence again, but this time say it correct. This time say it correct. Go, lock in.

Fragrance.

No, go, go, go. $10,000.

Everyone shut up.

I'm putting on my phone, dude. Why? You lock in here right now, okay? Okay, okay, lock in.

Yes.

Okay, use, use the word Perfume has what in it?

Fragrance.

Good. Yeah, use it in a sentence.

Um, I had fragrance.

What? Just use it, use it in a sentence. Just go, what did the woman say to you after you mispronounced it? Try again.

Did you mean fragrance?

John, you're saying it wrong. You realize that, right?

Do you have CTE?

What's CTE?

Football players, they—

Wait, Jon, say it. Say it. What would the woman possibly have said to you in that moment?

What do you mean?

So you pronounced it wrong, right?

Okay, yes.

Restart the story. Okay.

You—

but keep this all in, obviously. So you— what did you say? What did Jon say? Go. Does anybody test for fragments?

And then she was like, did you mean fragrance?

Jon, did she say it wrong or are you saying it wrong?

I'm saying it wrong.

You know what, John, take Dave to the Philippines, have him live there for 5 years, and we'll see how you do.

He moved here before—

David moved here after John.

Oh really?

Yes.

This is okay.

Yeah, yeah, the right word is fragrance.

No. What?

John, John, John, dude, my perfume I think what—

I think when I say perfume, it triggers it. The right word. I sell David's perfume, and it was a perfume. No, use a word.

Fragrance.

Huh?

Fragrance.

Fuck, fuck it. I can't. I'm sorry, I can't. Okay, fragrance.

Fragrance.

Yeah, you got it. You got it.

Fragrance.

Okay, so she said— so now we can go back to the story because now you have it.

Yeah, so she said Do you mean fragrance?

That's crazy, dude.

I'm out.

Oh no, it's taking way too long, bro.

It's—

we've been at this for fucking 15 minutes, guys.

Bro, John, please just say fragrance so you can finish your fucking story. Fragrance.

Perfume! It's so much easier. It does the same shit.

Just say fragrance.

Fragrance.

Good. Now what did she say?

Did you mean fragrance?

These people are gonna think we're fucking with them. Can you just say, did you mean fragrance?

Fragrance.

Okay, what did she say?

Did you mean fragrance? Dude, yo, dude, dude, it's coming off right. It's coming off right. What do you want me to say? I've been saying fragrance.

The whole time. That's not it. The word is fragrance.

Fragrance. I can't— fragrance. Fragrance.

Okay, what did she say?

Did you mean fragrance?

Oh dude, dude, you gotta get this fucking phone off me, bro. There's no way this is happening.

John, John, are you on drugs?

I can't.

Not on drugs, bro.

John, John, just, just repeat. John, John, John, this would be my sentence. Fragrance. Did you mean to say fragrance?

Did you mean fragrance? Dude, I can't. It's actually a word. This is crazy.

You guys aren't helping him. You're not helping him.

Okay, sorry, sorry.

Go, go, John.

Go, go.

Good.

He goes, "Groggins." Ready?

Yeah.

Grant.

Grants.

Grants.

Grants.

Grants.

Grants.

Grants.

Grants.

Frey. Frey.

Grants.

Frey grants.

Yeah. Frey.

Frey.

Grants.

Frey grants.

Grants.

Grants.

Frey. Okay, now I'm getting weirded out.

Okay, now tell me, tell me, what did she say?

Did you mean freignance?

Oh my God.

Shut the fuck up!

There's no way.

Literally, dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I don't know what to tell you, bro.

And Natalie goes, you should be better with your time management.

I'm fucking 25 minutes in trying to explain how to fucking pronounce fragrance, bro.

You've been missing out for 20 minutes.

Please, let's just get this sentence so we can all move on.

So hot in here, dude.

I know, I literally taste—

please turn on AC in my mouth.

Please, please, we gotta finish this. We Just says, John, Paul, can I try with him? Yes, go. Okay, try. I will look away.

My, my throat is literally hardening.

I think I just— I like that you, you kind of took a sweet approach to it, but then you realize that it's impossible. You, you definitely, you definitely took the approach of like—

Can you open the door? It's so hot.

Yeah, I did, and I failed.

Yeah, you took the approach of like a viewer, of a listener, being like, well, hold on guys, let's give him a chance. You You went syllable by syllable, took it easy, and you failed. And now you're in the boat with us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So welcome on the ship.

It's good to be here.

It'd be really funny to have like a commenter be like, just be nicer to him, and then they come in here in 30 minutes, they're like, you dumb fucking cunt, get that fragrance! Just— okay guys, and just to keep in mind, we live with this guy. We've been— this is— we've known him for 20 years. Okay, go. Okay, Ilya will now attempt. And this isn't a joke, by the way. I know this just seems so highly unlikely, but this is really happening real time. I'm shocked.

John, okay, dude, my mouth is like tightening up. I can't pronounce that.

We're gonna get it here, right here. Go.

We're gonna get it right here.

Okay.

What's the wrong way to say it?

Fragrance.

Fragrance is the wrong way to say it. Good.

Okay.

The right way to say it is fragrance.

Fragrance.

Fragrance.

Fragrance.

Say it with me 5 times.

Fragrance. Fragrance.

Fragrance.

Fragrance.

Fragrance.

Fragrance.

Fragrance. Say it 10 more times.

Fragrance. Fragrance.

No, no, no, no, John, you're going too fast. You're going too fast, John.

Look at me.

Lock it.

I hate this. Lock it.

Shut up, everyone.

Shut up.

Lock in.

Okay, hold on, John.

Deadass, bro, this is worse than asking for my fucking financial Okay, Ilya will now attempt.

And.

And. And this isn't a joke, by the way.

I know this just seems so highly unlikely, but this is really happening real time.

I'm shocked, John.

Yeah.

Okay, dude, my mouth is, like, tightening up. I can't pronounce that. We're gonna get soft.

We're gonna get it here, right here.

Go.

We're gonna get it right here. Okay. Me and you. Yeah.

What's the wrong way to say it?

Fragrance.

Fragrance is the wrong way to say it.

Good.

Okay, Fragments.

Great. What's the right way to say the word?

Fragments.

Nope.

You're close. You're honestly close. Fragrance.

Dude, I am perfect. No, no, no, chill, chill.

Okay, we're good. Okay, we're good.

Don't freak out.

Put the gun down. Okay, what did the woman say? Using the sentence, did you mean to say fragrance?

Did you mean to say fragments? John, I said it right. Wait, I said Frey and it ends.

No, John, listen, please. I'm sorry, John. Frey K. Grant. G— G-R, bro.

Grant.

It's not Gantz, it's Grant. Frey Grant.

Frey Grant. Oh yes, Grant.

Yeah, you get it now. Yeah, now we got it.

Okay, all right, now use it in that sentence. Did you mean—

Did you mean Frey Grant? Yeah, let's go!

Wow, fuck yeah!

Good job, John.

Say it Did you mean to say—

did you mean to say Frey Grants?

Yes! I look at John's way better.

I can't wait, I can't wait till Valentine's Day rolls around.

John's in fucking Sephora. Hi, I'm looking for Frey Grants for my girlfriend.

All right guys, sorry guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast.

Thank you for everybody that joined. Thank you to Ilya for teaching John how to get a new English word. John's actually here. John, hit us with the outro. How do you say it? 3, 2, 1.

Fragrance.

There we go. First fucking try too. Also, go listen to Jason's podcast. It's a really good one. What's the title?

All Good Things. This is the 5th week in a row where you did not remember the title of the podcast.

Go listen to that too.

Thank you, Dave.

Bye.