DAVID GETS INTIMATE WITH NATALIE!!

What's up guys, welcome to Views. Today we are trying something different. Natalie is going to be sitting in the desk and Jason and I will be here on the couch. Natalie will be asking us questions on behalf of the women's species. Do I say that correctly? Species?

Yes, we are.

And Jason and I will be answering on behalf of the men's species. So, uh, unfortunately, sorry men, this is your representation. And I know a lot of women are watching this like, uh, Natalie, we could have done better. This is all we had around the house.

Sorry, guys.

This is good.

This is like the women's episode. Like, we're giving— like, we're letting our females—

like, you're empowering me.

Empowering women, empowering females. That's what we're all about here at Views.

No, I fuck with that, but I don't think Natalie's the woman in power. Why?

Well, she does make all the decisions around here.

We should depower Natalie.

We should dethrone her. Do you like sitting there? Does it feel good?

Uh, you're talking to her like a baby. Do you like it? 5 more minutes. 5 more minutes of empowerment. That's how he said it.

Is this something that maybe you'd like to do one day?

Girls are just as good as boys.

It's true. Who's gonna be a better parent, me or Natalie?

We talk about this all the fucking time, and obviously it's a good conversation. Yeah, really?

You don't like talking? All you like talking about is fucking tits and ass. I'm still pretending. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no.

But yeah, Um, more hands-on than you.

Really?

I think so.

Yeah, but now you would be hands-on like the boring stuff.

Let me ask you a question.

It's funny, that's not true. I feel like it is.

That is it.

That's the boring stuff. Being a parent is the boring stuff.

Yeah, you're talking about you would take the kid to the club, like, well, she would do like the diapers and then I'd come in and be like, baseball, anybody?

Oh, so you're gonna be fun dad with none of the work?

I'm gonna be fun dad.

You're gonna call your kid Cooper. I know it.

How did you know? What's wrong with Cooper? I love the name Cooper. You do?

Really?

Have you said that before?

Um, I think, yeah, I must have.

No, I've never heard that before.

Why are you speaking down on Coopers?

Oh, don't name your— that's a name for a dog.

Yeah, really?

Cooper, bro, your dog's name is Henry.

Yeah, a human name.

Yeah, yeah, it's like, what if it doesn't even matter anymore?

I like the name.

It's either Cooper or Rocket.

Rocket Dobrik.

That's— you're going to name a human Rocket?

Boy or girl Rocket?

Doesn't matter. So obviously assigning gender to my baby.

Obviously the context of this conversation proves that David is not going to be the superior parent.

Oh really? What are you going to name your kid? Mary? No offense to Marys, but come on.

No, no.

I actually have a list. That's much less cool than Rocket. You want to hear my list of baby names?

Yeah. Yeah. You have a list of baby names?

Oh my God. Are you fucking Todd?

I like— what?

Wait, are you having a baby with Todd?

We got to catch Dave up to speed. Yes, she's fucking Todd.

I thought that was a joke you guys do.

No, it's very real. Um, no, I like unisex names. I like names where it can be like a boy and a girl name. So like Charlie, you know?

Charlie.

Yeah, I love unisex names.

Okay, okay. Keyboard.

Yes.

I like Cameron O'Rourke. Noah for a boy or a girl.

Cute.

Okay, it's a little overplayed now.

No H, drop the H.

Oh no, more awkward that way.

Okay, fine. I Um, Aiden is cute.

You gotta think though, they're gonna grow up with the name too.

Yeah, bro, these are kind of out of date, these names. These names I think were like cool. Did you write this list like 6 years ago?

I've been keeping—

you say names are out of date because what happens, they grow up.

Yeah, I'm not having kids right now. Like, I'm gonna have—

what do you mean?

Yeah, but like David is like forever cool.

David's a fucking lame name.

Not since you got the name.

Really? Yeah, I thought I made it cooler. Who here has the coolest name you think?

Natalina Noel Maradona. You think you can compete with that? Natalie, I fucking hate your name.

What? It's literally a porn star's name.

It's not—

what?

It's not a porn star's name. Natalina Noel Maradona.

Dude, you're not Hispanic, bro.

And the award goes for best double penetration scene, Natalina Noel.

It does sound like a porn star's name. What are you fucking with us? You don't think Natalina Noel sounds like a porn star?

Natalina Noel?

What do you mean?

Like Daisy Sunshine is a porn star name.

Natalina Noel is very porny. But if you put the Maradwena in, then Natalie Maradwena is not porny.

It's just like, yeah, it's just like a commoner.

I don't get it. Where'd you get the Noel? Is that your middle name?

Just like a fucking— wait, hold on a second. Rewind. It's just like a fucking commoner. Natalie Maradwena.

Sometimes I wish when I say things no one heard them.

Yeah.

What did I say?

He goes, Natalie Maradwena. Yeah, that's like a commoner name. Nobody really cares about that. That's my fucking— that's what you call me.

Did you see that TikTok about the, the woman on Reddit? She thought her husband was cheating on her and he would go out every night, and then she finally went out to spy on him, and every night she realized he was— and he's like a really good dad that was like taking care of their newborn and stuff— and what he was doing every night was he was going to the trash can and picking up a baby diaper and sitting there and smelling it, um, day after day.

It's gonna be like a beautiful story, like he was like building another home for her in the middle of the night. Wait, what?

Oh my God, wait, what do you mean he was smelling a baby's diaper?

Yeah, what do you mean by that? He's smelling people's shit?

He would just go into the trash, get a— get a baby diaper that had poop in it and sit there and smell it for like, you know, a long time. You do it every night. And then, and then the end of the Reddit question is like, I don't know if I can look at him anymore. He's like, what should I do? She's like, it's— I'm totally disgusted.

Wait, why was he— he was smelling baby diaper? Did their—

his own baby?

Yeah.

Oh, he'd go into his own trash and smell the diaper? Yeah. Oh, so I guess that begs the question, like, is it— is it worse if he was cheating or worse if he was smelling the diaper?

I didn't see it as sexual at all. I just thought the guy's just like smelling the diaper, like maybe he Maybe he feels—

I think that's a pretty easy confrontation. That's like a, yo, what are you doing?

And then, yo, what are you doing?

I don't think that's like that bad.

Here's a question.

It's just bizarre.

Is it though? Like, I love the smell of gasoline like people do.

Yeah, but your child's shit?

I don't think it's— I think he's more comfortable with his child's shit, but I think he'd take any shit. I think it's maybe like the methane and shit, or like whatever.

Like, I think it's better than cheating.

You think it's better than cheating? Yeah. Okay.

I never smelled your own fart.

Well, there you go.

That's good.

Yeah, but I wouldn't go like—

Oh, you have smelled your own fart?

Wait, do you smell that? Yeah, I know she's weird. Do you smell your own farts? Do you? Wait, be honest.

No, no, that's not like a thing that I do.

This person runs your business and you're asking her that?

Hey, Natalie, you're fired if you don't smell your own farts. Wait, wait, wait, wait. You don't smell your own— Wait, you don't smell your own farts?

That's funny.

I am like, I think every person is like this where you're just kind of like comfortable with your own scent. Like whether it's whatever is coming out of your— like it doesn't— I don't care. Yes, I have smelled my own fart.

This isn't— that's not my question, Natalie. My question is like, will you fart?

And I will not intentionally fart and then trap myself under the covers to then smell my fart.

How did you know that was my question?

Because I know you.

Yes. Okay. So you don't do that. No, no, that's probably the best part.

Yo, last night I was with Jonah. I was at Jonah's house.

Oh boy.

And fucking, um, what? We walk in there and he's got his shirt off and he's smoking hookah and he's just having a Jonah Saturday night. He's writing his script and we're all hanging out and having like a really good time. And before, I was at Marnie's house and I was starving and I was like, can I have a protein shake? And she was like, yeah, it's fine, you know. And, um, so I go in and I had the protein shake and right before I left she goes, she goes, oh no, you didn't, you didn't get the protein out of the, the pantry, did you? And I go, yeah. And Marnie like notoriously can't poop, and she gave me, um, like fiber protein. Like it's literally meant so you like poop. So I was like super gassy. So I was like, me, it's me, Brandon, Adam W, and Jonah. And we're all sitting around in Jonah's apartment on a Saturday night, and I start farting like crazy, like awful, awful farts. And Adam W— and you know, if you fart around Jonah, like everyone, everyone just thinks it's Jonah.

It was so funny. And you And you could literally fart. It could be so obvious. And you go, Jonah, what the fuck? And then Jonah will go, sorry.

And Adam—

Jonah doesn't actually have control of his, of his asshole. So he will actually think that it was him. He'll be like, oh yeah, that must have been me. I mean, no one else is farting around here.

Well, back onto the topic of things that girls always want to know about guys. Right?

Yes.

Okay.

God, these are my favorite things. I love answering things for like a big group of people.

Okay.

I love representing everybody, you know? I love representing a big community that can possibly be offended. For the men.

Um, this is— so I pulled up a thing that's like 25 questions that girls want to know about guys.

Okay, go.

So we can ask. This is one actually that I've always— that I thought was actually really interesting, and I didn't really know about this until I got into my relationship with Todd. What do you think is the most attractive feature on a woman?

Legs.

Legs.

Boobs. Boob legs?

Oh my god.

Legs.

Legs on boobs. Legs with legs on them.

Legs, but instead of kneecaps, it's boobs.

Hang on, you guys aren't—

Like, if— like, like, this is the first—

I could pick out legs from really far away. Like, there was a girl that I hooked up with, didn't see her for 5 months, was sitting down at a party when everybody was standing up. I was just eye level with legs. I'm being completely deadass, like 8 people away, spotted her legs. Really? Yes. I was like, oh my God, she's here.

Yeah, see your legs.

Yeah, I love legs.

So when you're in a relationship or you're seeing a woman, how are they going to get hired on The View after this?

Really going to get an offer from Whoopi Goldberg.

I got it.

You know what? Has this segment made you realize that we're fucking losers?

No, it hasn't.

She's been asking us relationship questions. Neither of us have been in a relationship for fucking 5 years.

Yeah, but it's because we're single men, bro. Bro.

I got some news for you.

What?

We're losers. Yeah, we're losers. We— and you know what, I hate to put myself in the same category as you. Come on, be honest with me.

Dig me out of this one.

Be honest.

Me and Jason are on the same level of losers. Natalie, please.

He is. He basically is. No, because you know why? He has all the tools to have a girlfriend and he has no one.

That's why you are a loser.

That was so Mean Girls.

Yeah, whatever, who cares?

That was so women abuse.

Nice. It's funny because like, it's one to no one. I always forget I always forget, like, because we're so in this scenario and David's my fucking boss now or whatever, I always forget that, like, or whatever, I can't admit it. It's just funny, like, it's— and but at the root of it, like, he is like such a dork. But sometimes I forget because like he's hanging out with all these like cool, hot young girls or celebrities that he's interacting with and like, you're really funny. But like, you're a fucking loser at the end of the day, you know? Like, like, that's just in a good way. Like, you're just really dorky. Like, you're dorky.

Taking away the new Natalie podcast segment. So last time you'll sit behind the last one.

Um, what are the biggest turn-offs that you have?

They don't watch my videos.

Fucking cocky.

Arrogance.

I fucking hate arrogance.

I thought you said khaki.

I hate poopy khaki. I met a girl yesterday, uh, she was talking to me at the club, and she's like, uh, you should add me on— whatever, you should add me on Instagram, grab my number, whatever. And it was so quickly that she like got to that point, right? And I was definitely not flirting at all. Like, I wasn't even showing her interest, right? So like, there's no reason that she should have like gotten an impression that I want to talk more.

Came in too hot.

Yeah. But she was like, you should add me on Instagram. She was like, I, I don't know what you do or anything, but like, I'm like Why the fuck are you talking to me? Like, you know what I mean? Like, there's no way I got your Instagram, this very pretty girl who I haven't shown interest in, and I got your Instagram under 4 minutes. No fucking way. And then I open her Instagram in front of her and I open the messages and she sent me a message before. Like, what is the point of pretending like that?

Did you say you've sent me a message before?

Um, no, this time I didn't. Yeah, but damn, but it's just like so strange. It's like, it's so much cooler when you're like, I love your stuff. Yeah, be honest. And to even go like, I've actually messaged you before because blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, you remind me of this, or blah blah blah, or this video reminded me of—

Yeah, but there's also the other side of things where it's like you have people that come up to you and do things, have those interactions really often, so they want to you know, you want to stand out and not be another fan.

But there's a way to have a regular conversation where you don't have to— where you don't sound like a stalker, but you also are honest. Like, there's nothing worse than a girl lying and being like, I don't know. Like, that just sets you up for like— that just like gives me like the creeps. Like, what else are you not going to tell the truth about? Like, it just like freaks me out.

Yeah.

Okay. And the other side of things, what is your biggest turn-on?

Confidence and a funny girl.

Funny's the best.

Funny's fucking great. I think, I think that's it. Why? What's the biggest turn-off for you? Turn-on? Um, $10 million house.

What?

Nothing.

What the fuck did you just say?

Tesla in the driveway.

Tesla in the driveway.

Did you say $10 million house?

ATV spread through 5 different bedrooms.

Infinity pool that changes colors.

Infinity pool. Um, 5 cameras recording a podcast at all times.

New Tesla ATV that barely anyone has yet.

The kids version, but somehow that person that you are turned on by fits on it.

Um, none of the above. Um, my biggest turn-on I think would be, um, I'm like, I would say like passion, 100%. Like, I like somebody that's like not gonna be dependent on what I'm doing, right?

No. Yes. Yeah.

Jay, I got some really good news.

You're going to space with Elon Musk.

Close. Ilya's going to Columbia with us. Oh my God, that's crazy. Who told you that? You did. You did, actually, last night. Oh no, I said I was 40% there. No, you said less than 50. I asked you what the— what you needed for accommodations, and I told you you were all he needed. He's like, you know what, actually, I'll go to Columbia. All I need is 6 hours of sleep, 2 hours to do work, and 2 hours to work out. And I need a proper gym, not like a hotel gym, a real gym with all my machinery. And I was like, okay, I will call production and we'll get it done. Kemp just texted this morning, said everything is taken care of, all the accommodations are done.

Columbia—

what?

I'm not going to Columbia.

You can't say you want all these things and then I text production. I'm gonna walk out of this room if we keep arguing. We're not going to Columbia, so you could stay here for a minute.

I'm not going to Columbia.

Ill, we literally— we literally— sorry, I'm sorry, I, I really am sorry. So you lied to me last night? No, I didn't lie to you. I said I was 40% there. No, no. Yes, I did, bro. You literally go, now what?

What's the percentage now?

And I said that's 40. You said you were at 40%, and then, and then I was like, what do you need to— what accommodations you need? And then you gave me the list of things. No, not true. The 40% was after all the accommodations. Okay, regardless, I don't care what percent you're at now or then, but why don't you want to come?

You're literally on— you're still on.

Honestly, I fucking hate both of you.

I do.

When you start doing this shit, bro, I have fucking work. I have a company to launch. Both of you, look at me. I have a company to fucking— I have a company to launch, bro. No, sit down, sit down, sit down. All right, you stay right there. Stay right there. I'm right here. Close your eyes. Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Okay, so if you say yes right now, you can look at— I will be wearing this hat on the show and in the videos. Perfect for the launch of your brand new company.

There you go. Marketing 101.

That's tough.

Checkmate.

Can you sigh into your mic, please? But I want one made in black before we go. Alex, louder. Alex, come here. Alex is his assistant. That's also our hometown friend. That's also not doing much. Okay, Emma and Al, come here. Yes, you're going to Colombia, Colombia, and you want our boss to come with, right? We're going to Colombia and I want your boss to come with, and we're going for 6 days. And I told them for 3 out of the 6 days I would wear this hat on the show and in the videos. Dude, soon enough it's gonna be like a progression of like the company growing, like 18 people coming in, lined up all the way. He's, he's conflicted now because he thinks it's a good opportunity to— this is one of the most popular shows on Discovery Plus, I should say. And the YouTube videos do quite well. And this podcast, you know, it'll whatever, it'll get 10,000 views, but it'll be nice. I don't know. Oh, that's plenty of time.

You should go.

Oh, wait, fuck this. That's okay. So now that I have this hat, I told you, need it in black.

Are you going to say anything about the hat or are you just going to wear it?

I'm saying something about the hat right now. People will see the show and they'll be like, you guys probably don't know why he's wearing the hat, but I know. And then it'll be all the comments. The comments will be flooded with what's Zilla, why is Zilla, how is Zilla, where can I purchase it, when does it come out? Alex just said March 2nd. Everyone's so excited. Protein. This is the way to do it. So you're down to go. Emma, can you buy a black hat, please? Be excited. This will be great.

And Prince Ilan.

The show blurs it out because they don't have clearance.

What was your best tennis game in high school?

I mean, it's not that exciting, but it was like the best moment of my life. So I had this— I had this— there was this tennis wall on— it was like an athletic wall of fame. Yeah, in my school. And that's always been my goal. And this was senior year. This was the last chance I had to get on the wall. And you have to go to state. And basically, how, how to go to state, you have to beat a team, you have to qualify to go to state. And in tennis, there was no divisions. So like, my tiny school would play the biggest school, so we would kind of get crushed because these big schools would recruit these tennis players. And we were so small, we could have beaten every school that was our size, right, if, if there were divisions. But it wasn't like that, so we were up against any, any school. So we were playing Stevenson, great fucking school. Or no, sorry, it was Barrington. Barrington, great school. And it was the game to go to state.

Yeah.

And we were down 6-2, 5-1 in the sets.

In the sets.

And I'm going to talk to my coach, and my coach goes, okay, you guys are down 5-2, you can do this. And I turn around and I go, we're fucking down 5-2? Are you fucking kidding me? I was shocked. I had no idea. I was I can't believe— I was like, this is my last game of my high school career. If I lose this, it's over, right? It's over. And my— and all, all of my team is done. Like, everybody's done playing. So they're all sitting on the hill watching me. And to have an audience in a high school tennis match is a big deal because it just doesn't happen. No one comes to watch tennis. So all the teams are— all the two teams, my team and Barrington, they're all sitting on the hill watching this tennis match. And from 5-2, we come back and we win that set. And then we win the next set and we move on to go to state.

No way.

And then we get put on the wall for us.

No way.

It was the best moment of my entire life. Is your name on the wall? Yeah, my picture is on the wall on the Athletic Wall of Fame. But it was, it was amazing. I was in the locker room like with my doubles partner and we were ready to fucking suck each other off. You were so pumped. I'm telling you, out of everything I've accomplished, that was, that was the best moment of my life. And that's why, like, anybody I tell, like, Do high school sports. Do high school sports. It'll change your fucking life.

Hey, wait, we got any teeny weeny?

Yeah. I always thought Joe used to be the teeny weeny guy. Yo, we went to Disneyland the other day, got recognized 3 times for the teeny weeny. Did Jason get recognized? No, he's a fucking kid. This dude's wearing the—

remember the Views merch that was blue? Yeah, it was modeled after Justin Bieber.

Oh my God.

The old blue Views sweatshirt.

Sure, sure, guys.

Fucking— yeah, I remember. We're walking in Pixar Land., and a kid has it on, and Joe's like, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, pointing, screaming. And then we're like, we're like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. He like looks at me like dead in the eyes, and he's just like— I'm like, that's my sweatshirt, that's my sweatshirt!

And he's just like— his whole family's like—

he wanted nothing to do with me. Really? And I'm like, I'm one half of Views. I mean, you would think he's got the merch on, he would be excited to meet me.

He probably only knows David.

That's what we surmised.

Yeah, it's It happened before, actually, 2 years ago, where I ran up to somebody at the airport. Yeah, they were wearing my merch, and I was like, clickbait! And she was like, oh my God, I totally knew who you are, but this is my sister. So that could have been that situation. He could have been real. Could you imagine how freaked out he is? But he didn't even stop. He literally just kept walking. Yeah, but like, imagine not knowing The Views podcast, right? You're at Disney with your family, you're like 11. And then all of a sudden you have this 45-year-old man like meet your eyes and he's just like, yo, you stop right there, you're wearing my sweatshirt. And the kid's just like, what the fuck is going on?

That's what he did. He like started to walk really fast.

He's probably, why the fuck is this old man following me? I'm not taking this sweatshirt off for this fucking weirdo. Who do you think in history would have been a really good couple but they never got together? Like from any times? Like, I think Jesus Christ and Natalie Portman would have hit it off perfectly. I thought you're gonna say Natalie. Oh, fuck no. Jesus would have blown his brains out. He wouldn't have the patience for Natalie. Yeah, no way. Really? He'd turn water into wine every fucking night having to deal with Natalie. He'd try to walk on water and then fucking drown himself. She's not that bad. She's rough. She's rough, especially when you're like close to her for a while. If you compare Jason with anybody in history, who would it be? Anybody in history that I like know he'd get along with? Yeah, they'd be a great power couple. Honestly, honestly, honestly, Tiffany Haddish. Yeah. Yeah, I think Tiffany Haddish would get along a lot. I was on a show with her once because I think Tiffany Haddish would like fucking throw punches at him.

Put him in line.

Yeah, like I think Tiffany would like, yeah, keep him in check. Like, not like physical punches, but like would like make fun of him. And Jason would really like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tiffany would make Jason Her little bitch. Jason loves to be like ordered around. Yeah, yeah, he loves to be bossed around.

I do, I do.

I like when someone's tied up like this, like a little ball gag. Like, where do I go now, Marnie? Let me out, let me out! What kind of floors you want in your new house, Marnie? I know we haven't been together for 4 years, but I'll pay for the new dishwasher. That's how Jason likes it, dwelling on the past. Marnie, you need me to take care of the kids for the next 3 3 months while you go fuck your new boyfriend in England? You want to take Duke for a walk? I know he's not my dog anymore. Hey, Marnie, here's our family picture. Uh, I'm okay that I got erased and the new boyfriend got put in place. Okay, I can't.

I know that I sound like Dumbo.

Do you think David and your ex-wife Marnie would have gotten along?

Well, that's tough to say. Do I exist in this hypothetical?

Yeah, he's the rebound. He's like the— he's like the fourth guy after you.

Yeah, well then totally, because they could like get together on their hatred of me.

I— yeah, no, I think if— no, I think if Marty and I were the same age, like, I think, I think it would work.

I mean, I think so too.

I think we're like, she's definitely my type, right? Yes, she's my type. All right, where are you going? Fucking so sexy. She lets me come to the club when you're not around. Yeah, she lets me spend the night when, you know, you're busy with the kids.

She likes weed.

She likes weed. Um, no, I think, uh, I think, yeah, I think, I think I like the kind of the same people. No, actually, we don't have the same type, like physically, right? But, um, I definitely like, like, like a powerful person like that. Like, I'm down to be whipped around. I love being whipped in a relationship. Like, I want to be like fucking— like, I want my friends to come up to me and go, you've changed. That's the type of relationship I love.

That's what you want?

Yeah, like, I want my friends to come up to me like, dude, you used to be so fun. We never see you anymore. I should be like, fuck yeah, I fucking changed, bitch. Never coming around anymore.

That's what I want. This isn't funny, but I had the nicest moment the other— last night with Charlie. It was truly the greatest moment of my life.

Let's skip it. Is there something else that's funny? Fair. No, what, what was the moment?

No, no, no, it's fine.

No, just— I'm kidding. What was the moment?

Okay, um, no, she just texted me and she was just like, um—

Charlie's his daughter, by the way. Yeah.

She's like, can you come downstairs? So I said, oh, I said, okay, yeah, sure. And I walk in and she's like, she's like, I just saw this TikTok, and the TikTok was, if you were to write a book about your dad, what would the last line of the book be? Yeah. And I just thought to myself I just wanted to say that I love you so much and that, um, thank you so much for all that you've done so much for me. You're the best dad in the world. And this is the part that got me, she goes, and you really, really get me. Wow. Yeah, that's it. And I just— and I, I started, I started crying immediately.

That is amazing.

It was, it was best moment of my life, hands down. Way better than anything I've ever done with you.

It's hard. It's hard, like, during that story. Yeah, because like my brain's thinking like, where do I ruin this moment? I know, I saw your eyes. Yeah, I saw your eyes. But then the other half of my brain is going, I was like, maybe this one should play out, right? Because like I know there's half of the audience is like, come on, David, don't be an asshole. Yeah, let Jason have his moment.

Yeah.

And then the other half of the audience going, crucify him. That's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you guys for being here. Natalie, roll us out as this is the first episode of Women in Views.

Thank you guys for being here. We had Jason Nash, David Dobrik, and myself, Natalie Noel. That's all.

Your favorite neighborhood porn star. My name's Jeff.

Natalie Noel.

My name's Jeff. Bye, guys.