Confronting Our Angry Neighbors

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where we got a new studio today. Check this out.

Yeah, check it out guys.

Probably doesn't sound different, but—

Zane, you just farted at the top of the podcast.

You're out, get out, get out of here. Zane, if you're gonna fart, fart loud enough so the mics will pick it up, you fucking asshole. Well, our friend farted.

Hold on a second, I'm going over to his anus now.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, he's trying to fart again. He's just— he's just going to get shit over the mic. Don't, don't do that. So, you know, you're actually trying to fart.

I— fuck.

Well, we just lost 50.

And that was Zane's 200th video.

All right, let's roll the intro music. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome back to the podcast Views. I'm David, 22 years old, and Jason.

So much better looking.

That's not how it goes.

And isn't that how it goes?

No, it's not how it goes at all.

Oh, so sorry.

I recently— can I just talk about stuff right off the bat?

Oh, I've got something to talk about.

Shit.

But go ahead.

No, you go first.

Yeah, what happened Friday night at my new house?

Oh, this is great.

You failed to mention a couple things to me.

I know.

Is that what you were gonna talk about? Yeah. Okay, go ahead.

Go, you tell me what happened.

Well, I came back, David—

Hold on, first of all, Jason got a new house. Yep. Um, and we film YouTube videos, so we do a bunch of different things in the house. Um, Jason was a little nervous with me doing things in the house because it's a new house, new landlord, new rules. He didn't want to ruin the relationship.

Yeah, David's got me by the balls because I hate when he does things in the house, but it makes me money at the same time.

So yeah, so I was doing things in the house, Jason was out of the house, and I was filming a bit where I was pepper spraying a friend and the friend was going off a bike ramp over a pool.

Now, around 4:00, David was trying to get this bit done And apparently you didn't get it done until 2:30 in the morning.

Yes. Yeah, it was very late. I didn't get it done till—

so I watched the video Saturday morning and I was like, oh God, I was like, fuck. I'm like, they just destroyed my house from what I could see in the video.

Great.

So I got home, my mom was there, and she was like, she's like, nah, they would— they were pretty good. They actually cleaned up pretty good. She was like, I was actually really impressed. And I was like, cool, cool. And I came into the house and there was only like a couple things like The ramp was still there, cleaned up really good, cleaned up really well. I moved the ramp, I was like pretty excited actually. Yeah. A couple days goes by, old lady comes to my door.

Fuck.

Like 3 days later.

Damn it, this is my part of the story.

She has a plant in her hand.

Yeah.

She has a fake plant, and she goes, she goes, well, I just wanted to come over.

Hold on, let me see, can I set it up? Because I think it's better if you go from my— okay. So we're doing the stunt, where he gets pepper sprayed in the eyes. I haven't told Jason this, 'cause I knew he'd get mad if he found out. So the kid got pepper sprayed in his eyes, and he's screaming at the top of his fucking lungs.

I bet.

It's 1:00 AM. The guy's like, ahh! And all of a sudden, I hear someone from the other side of the bushes go, what the hell is going on up there? And I go, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. And I walk over there, and I go, Hi, we're just filming something.

And she goes, at 1 AM? A murder?

Yeah, she's a little girl. She goes, is someone being murdered there? Is someone being murdered over there? And I go, no, no, it's just pepper spray. And she goes—

It's just pepper spray.

Pepper spray? Are you guys fucking out of your mind? This is the conversation I'm having at 1 AM with the neighbors. And I'm like, Yeah, it's fine. We have it all under control though. And she's like, she's like, and then she's like, did you guys just move in? And then I paused. I'm like, fuck, do I say no and that we like broke into this house, right? Or do I just say yes? And I'm like, yeah. And she's like, and then she goes, oh, blessed be, goddamn it. She walks back into her room and I'm like, and I'm like, I'm so sorry, it won't happen again. That's all I heard from her, right? So I'm like, fuck, I ruined it. Jason's gonna get a call from the landlord in the morning, right? It's gonna be They're gonna be— Jason's gonna be so mad at me. They're gonna get kicked out of the house. So I tell Natalie, my assistant, I'm like, you need to send that woman an Edibles Arrangement or something in the morning, right? Just send her something over. So in the morning, she sent her over. Natalie's here. Natalie, come here quick. What did— what did the Edibles Arrangement people say that the lady said when she got her basket?

Oh God, um, she said— oh, she was tickled. That's what they said.

They said she was tickled. So I'm like, I fucking defused the situation.

Yeah.

So I'm like, I won't even tell Jason because who cares? Yeah, yeah. Okay, now let's pick it up from where— so the old lady came over So all good, she knocks on the door.

I thought it was a prank. I literally was looking for you in the bushes. 'Cause she was like, "I just wanna thank you for the nice basket, the wine that you sent me." And I go, "I'm so sorry." I go, "I didn't send you any wine at all." And she goes, she looks really confused. She's like, "Oh, oh, do I have the right house?" And I go, I don't know what you're talking about. And she goes, well, the woman brought me wine. And so I'm now I'm thinking, oh, she's, she's fucking senior moment. Like, she's literally at loss. I was about to call the police. I was about to like just call the police. I was about to call the police on her. And I really was looking for you. I was like, this is a fucking bit. I know this is a prank. And then she goes, she goes, she goes, well, no, no, no, pepper spray. And then I go I go, "Oh, you do have the right house." And I go, "What happened?" And she goes, "Well, they were screaming, they were yelling about pepper spray, and oh gosh, I said to my husband, 'Someone's being murdered over there.'" And so I said, "Oh." I said, "They were really loud." She goes, "Oh yeah, yeah." I go, "How late was it?" She goes, "About 2:30 in the morning." I was like, "2:30?" And then my mom came in, And she saved our ass because she was old too. So it looked like I wasn't fucking totally crazy. And she was like, "Here's the deal. Jason has a partner, and he's a good guy, but he's got the devil in him." And the old lady goes, "Oh, okay, I get it." And then I just said, I said, "I'm so sorry." I said, "It won't happen again." And meaning, knowing full well that it is gonna happen again. And I just said, I said, "Here's my number," and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. The next night I'm out walking down the street and the people on the other side I saw— no, putting the trash out. Yes.

Oh fuck, more neighbors.

Yeah, she came over. She's like uptown fucking girl.

What does that mean?

She, you know, like LA mom. Oh, who's like not having this Beverly Hills mom.

I don't want this on my street.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was pretty nice about it, but she was just like She was like, so there is filming going on here because, um, because the landlord told me there was an old man living in here. And she goes, but you don't look that old like that. And I was like, I didn't even know how to take that. I was like, okay, I, I don't even know what world I live in because I'm with you guys all the time calling me old. I'm like, are you calling me old? Do I look older than I am? Do I look young for what you're saying? Sure. And she's like, but I mean, not that you're old. I mean, you don't look—

you turn it on her. Yeah, really? Well, my landlord said there wasn't a bitch next door.

So then I, I just And I said, yeah, I tried to do the same thing, be charming like my mom, and it just came out bad. I was like, there's a guy, and he's 22, and so sometimes he's going to be shooting. And I said, but not my vlogs. My vlogs are really boring. I mean, they really suck.

I just get into psychotic fights with my girlfriend. Don't worry, she doesn't want to come near the house because she hates all my friends. You get into the deep—

She's actually really mad that I got the house with someone else and not her. Sure, sure. I dealt with her, but, uh, yeah, what a great start to the brand new house that I worked really hard on to put together. So thank you.

At least you met all the neighbors.

Yeah, I met them all.

Wow, that's amazing. What Bruce was saying, when, when all the screaming was happening, yeah, we thought that like maybe the lady was gonna come over and knock on the door. Yeah, we wanted to wake up your mom. Yeah, and have her answer the door and get blamed and just be like, I don't know what you're saying.

Your 74-year-old mother answering the door, what the fuck are you doing at 2:30 in the morning? I know, I mean That's not even Bellingham. You wouldn't even do that at Bellingham.

It was desperate times.

What? I mean, so the real point is you were there at 4 o'clock to do that bit, and you didn't finish it until 12 hours later. You're right.

I took a long time. But you know what is the positive outcome about this?

SeatGeek.

SeatGeek. Getting tickets online.

It's always the positive outcome is SeatGeek. Whenever I get upset, I think about SeatGeek.

I think about SeatGeek too. Because getting online tickets can be far too complicated. With hundreds of sites and varying levels of reliability, it's hard to know who to trust. That's why SeatGeek is the way to go. SeatGeek pulls—

Zane, don't pretend like you can read, looking over David's shoulder.

Zane's reading my script.

He had this written for him.

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His underlings told me once that he— the day that you did shout him out, he came into the office like, gosh, I can—

No, no, I went up to him like, I'm like, did you see your shout out in the podcast? And he's like, yeah, yeah, it was cool. And then you talked. And then I talked.

To his underlings like, he's fucking full of shit. He's like, he came in bragging all about it.

So Ian loves the shoutouts, so thank God.

Thanks, Ian.

But we love you yet. Thank you, Sea Geek. Was gonna say, I was, I was, uh, I really— last night I was trying to sleep.

Yeah.

And I was, and I was listening to ABBA and Queen. Yeah, like fucking on loop. Yeah, I was obsessed with them now. Like, I just like, I'm so mind-blown that like a group like that existed at one point. Do you subscribe to the theory, or like not to the theory, but to the idea of music was so much better back then? Yeah, you do?

Kind of, yeah.

Why? I think—

well, I, I don't want to take it— I don't take anything away from like rap music. I think rap music's pretty sure, pretty groundbreaking. Like, it's awesome.

But like, even like the big one, but rock-wise, I think it died. But you think like Taylor— like, even like Taylor Swift is still pretty interesting. Like, it's gonna be—

it's not like Queen and ABBA.

It's not. No, it's not, you know. But like, it's like— I don't know. I, I don't—

it's more cookie cutter.

Sure, right?

I like Taylor Swift.

Maybe. I don't know. Anyway, ABBA broke up, right? They broke up a while ago. When did they break up?

I, I, after Mamma Mia 2, I think.

After the movie?

Yeah.

No one's gonna get that joke. Actually, no one even knows who ABBA is.

Probably people get my fucking jokes, David. When I go on Twitter the next day, when I— my joke about the kids in the back of my car when I'm taking them to jazz band, people like that joke.

Oh, people reassure you that they get your jokes on the podcast?

Yeah, well, fuck you. Anyway, they broke up.

Yeah, and when did they break up? I don't know.

I don't know, like 20 years ago. I could be completely fucking right. It could have been 2 months ago, but they were offered a billion dollars to go on a tour.

Oh really?

To reunite.

And what happened?

They turned it down.

Why?

Fucking—

are they alive?

Um, I think so. I think— yeah, a billion dollars, but it was like, it was like 250, 250 shows. There's a bunch of shows, but yeah.

Oh wow. And then what were you doing? You're editing this morning? You said you were moving your pillow like you were editing?

I had ABBA on loop on my phone, and I had Queen on loop on my phone. I only had 4 songs in my playlist, and I was playing it while I was sleeping, and I found myself waking up every 10 minutes.

Yeah.

And I would rearrange my pillow to the beat of the song. So if it was going, "Dancing Queen," I would pick my pillow up, put it back on the bed, and pick it up again and put it back on the bed. And I would arrange it to the beat of the song.

These are the stories your parents don't have to hear now that you don't live at home. So good.

And I was like so in sync with them. I was so in sync with the music. And then at about 4 AM, I shut it off and I just went to bed.

That's a nice story, David. Time for school.

But yeah, give me a story from your childhood.

My dad beat me every day. No, fuck off.

Give me one he didn't. He never laid a finger on you.

Oh, sure he did. Oh yeah. Did you ever get hit when you were a kid?

Yeah, of course you did. Yeah, my parents fucking are assholes. No, it was never— no, I mean, I got like spanked, but like, that's like—

that's like, I was never spanked. When they would spank you, would they pull your pants down?

Um, no.

I think spanking is kind of weird.

Uh, now you brought it up, it is kind of weird. I never got spanked. How did you get hit? Like punched?

Yeah, I would just get like smacked or something if I did something wrong.

Oh, like on the face?

Yeah.

I think spanking's pretty normal.

Yeah, I never got spanked.

Really? I was pretty young. How long— how old were you, um, when your mom stopped wiping your ass?

I was 37. Yeah, isn't that crazy how like she was here actually for the last 3 weeks wiping my ass and your ass, setting up. She did Todd's laundry the other day.

Yeah, that's crazy. No, but actually tell me how old you were because I was pretty old.

She stopped wiping my ass. Yeah, I don't remember. 4 or 5. Oh, I would—

I mean, I could— I could probably name all of the states and capitals when she stopped wiping my ass. Yeah, I was a late bloomer for learning how to wipe my own ass.

So you would just have like a lot of big mess back there?

No, not a big mess. I just— I think I was very reliant on my parents.

Oh, that's so funny.

For certain things. Yeah.

Now you're so self-reliant.

I think.

Well, now you're mean to them.

Well, now I have an assistant, so—

You don't pay her enough for that.

Wiping my ass. No, but, um, no, but yeah, I don't know. I find that interesting. Did you rely on your parents a lot or no?

Yeah, I was really a mama's boy. I was really clung to my mom so much.

Oh, I used to cuddle with my parents a lot. I was like, a big thing for me is cuddling.

The two of them or your mom?

Um, I was always—

Dad get mad if you were cuddling with your mom too much?

Not that I get the hell out of here. No, I wouldn't know that. No, because I would only do it like once or twice, like, you know, a night. So it wasn't like too much. Once or twice a week. I wasn't there every night.

Once or twice a night?

I mean, dude, freshman year of high school was tough. I had to unwind somehow.

You weren't cuddling with your mom when you were a freshman?

No, I stopped cuddling when I was in like—

My son's still calling me Daddy, by the way.

What?

I don't know how to stop it.

Let me talk to him.

Off camera or on camera?

Come on. You really have to ask that? How old's your son? He's 12 and he's calling you Daddy a little bit.

Yeah, bro. I know. I don't know what to say.

That's, that's— you do realize that's weird now, right?

Yeah, I guess.

It's too much, right?

Yeah. I don't want to break his heart though. I don't want to be like, look, just call me Dad from now on. I also don't want to let go of it because it's so sweet.

Sure.

I mean, Tom Brady kisses his son on the mouth. I'm not doing that.

No, don't do that. You have the wrong conversation with him. Hey, Wyatt, if you're going to call me Daddy, you might as well kiss me on the lips. Let's really do this father and son thing right. I know. Let's go through it. I'll be your son.

OK. Hey, Dad.

A bunch of kids made fun of you again at school.

David's in the Tesla. He wants to talk to you.

Oh, sorry. Hold on. I'll be your son. I'll be your son. OK. And you be the father. Hey, Daddy, I was wondering if we could maybe go to the movies?

That's a pretty good impression.

I know. Go.

Uh, yeah, I, I'd love to go to the movies with you.

I want to see, uh, Transformers. Daddy, can we get popcorn when we get there?

Hey, Wyatt, I want to talk to you about something.

Yeah, Daddy? Um, I love you so much.

I love you too.

No one has a relationship with their family like I do with you. Nothing can ever tarnish it, especially because you guys are divorced and I don't get to see you guys often.

Has Wyatt ever tried to tell you a story?

No. I mean, he has, but I just usually walk out. I'll just go to the bathroom. Okay, sorry, sorry, we're off topic.

Uh, listen, from— listen, I love you very much, but maybe from now on you should just, just call me Dad, not Daddy.

Why?

I don't know, just, you know, just— you're getting older now, and, uh, that's awkward. I've already screwed you up enough.

Are you gonna keep wiping my ass though? That's how your kids are gonna rebel. Once you have like one situation like that with him, like, that's where they're gonna like turn on you.

What do you mean?

Like when you, when you, I think it's the second you do something awkward with your kids.

Yeah.

Sorry, that's where like something turns.

When I do something awkward, or the minute, so the minute I, you're saying the minute I tell him to call me dad, that's gonna be like a pivotal moment and I'm gonna screw him up for life?

I think the minute there's, I don't know much about parenting.

Okay.

Surprise, surprise. But I think the minute there's like an awkward tension with your dad about something, Yeah, that's where things turn. That's where things turn for me, I think.

What was the awkward tension?

Did I tell you this?

No.

Oh my God, I've totally fucking told this on the podcast. Look, can I just read this real quick so we don't get killed? Chances are you've heard of Honey, the free shopping—

Honey, I love Honey. I know, it's the free shopping J.Crew stuff on there. Really? Yeah.

No one cares. The free shopping—

well, the advertiser does.

Yeah, I know, they actually want you to talk about the experience. Oh wait, it says Talk about your experience, but please, David, you talk about yours. Don't let Jason mention anything. Um, the free shopping tool that finds the best promo codes whenever you shop online. It may sound too good to be true, so let's get over the facts. First, you're probably wondering, how much money can Honey really save me? Turns out Honey has already saved people over $800 million. You may also be thinking Honey doesn't work on sites that I shop at. The truth is Honey works on over 30,000 sites like Amazon, eBay, Walmart, all this stuff, you know. So the big question is, how is Honey free? What's the catch? There's no catch. Honey gets a small commission from sites where Honey saves you money, so it's always free. In fact, 10 million members trust Honey to save them money every day. Guys, it's amazing. It's literally— it just applies promo codes onto like websites that you're already shopping at. It's so simple. There's no reason not to use Honey. It's free to use and installs in just 2 clicks. I almost read that as 2 weeks. People would definitely not download this then. It's free to use and installs in 2 weeks. Free to use and installs in just 2 clicks. Get Honey for free right now and join honey.com/views. That's joinhoney.com/views. Okay, um, this is where the pivotal moment was with my dad. I think I may have said this on the podcast. Yeah, but I had a crush on this girl, right? And, um, so did my friend Alex. And we went— I'm gonna make it short because I may have already shared the story. And we went to her house.

Yeah.

And Alex came with me because he knew I had a crush on this girl. So he was like, come. I was like, come with. I'm so nervous. We got to her house. We were hanging out. She knew I had a crush on her or whatever. And then I was really quiet because I was nervous. I think I told you this. I was really quiet because I was really nervous. And he wasn't because he had nothing to lose. And then we left. And she texted me. And she's like, hey, I think I'm into Alex. You're just really quiet and really shy. And I'm just into more outgoing guys. And it fucking broke my heart, like broke my heart. Yeah, it was horrible. And I cried. I was crying in my bed, and my dad came to my room, 'cause I was crying, 'cause he heard me, 'cause it was late at night. And he slapped me in the face really hard. No, I'm making this up. I was crying, and he came in my room, and he's like, "What's wrong?" And I explained to him the entire story, in more detail than I have to you. Fucking crazy in detail. Because I really liked her. I liked her because she's— I've never met anybody like her. You know, like I went into it, and I was still crying. And the next morning— and he was like, it's going to be OK. He gave me his whole dad speech. And then the next morning, I was like, oh my god. I was such a fucking bitch. And I couldn't look my dad in the eye. And I was like, I can't believe I fucking did that last night. I can't believe I was such a little wimp. And I felt so weird. And I think from there on out, I started like lashing out. I was like, I'm not this fucking pussy. Oh yeah, I think that— I think that's where, like, I don't know, that could be one of the moments where I was like, oh shit.

Oh yeah. So he's— when did he slap you in the face?

He never slapped me in the face.

Oh, I was gonna say, okay, I mean, sure, if that happened.

No, I made that part up. But that's why, like, when my— when my siblings— like, my siblings now have problems where they cry, right?

Yeah. And like, my mom will even be like, so your dad got the shit end of the stick for coming in consoling you.

Yeah, because it like, it fucked with my ego, and I was like, oh my God, like, I can't believe I cried in front of my dad.

Like, this is so interesting.

Yeah, it was weird.

Wow.

So now, so now when my sister— like, my sister will have a problem and she'll cry, and my mom will be like, go talk to her, go help her, and she'll be crying, and I'm scared to do— like, I'm, I'm scared to be like, it's gonna be okay. So I'm just like giggling the entire time. I'm like, why are you crying? You're gonna be over this. Like, I'm like, I'm like trying to be like, ah, this is so funny, like, you're gonna be over this soon, right? Rather than like rather than like being like, listen, I know what you're going through. I know this is tough. Like, I'm like playful with it. Like, you know what I mean?

I think that's a lot better.

No, I don't know if it's better. I don't know if it's better. But like, I'm scared to be like, I'm scared to like ruin a relationship more with my siblings, right? By, by making them feel like they need my help or making them feel inferior to me by, by them. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's a little weird.

Yeah. But they look up to you. You probably, probably are okay just to be strong.

And I think I'm rambling. I haven't really let you talk.

No, I'm down. I like what you're talking about. I'm worried about losing Wyatt. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

It's gonna be so nice when they go to college and you finally have some free time.

I won't have anything to do.

Really? No, you could spend all your money on their college tuition.

I know, we were at a college yesterday.

Why?

Because we were looking for content.

Oh, me and you?

Yeah.

Can you touch my hand right now? See how sweaty it is? Watch. Touch it, touch it, touch it. Natalie, come here. Touch my hand, touch my hand. Natalie, put your hand by the mic just so you can— okay guys, this is how sweaty my hands get during these podcasts. Natalie, come here. No, put your hand— put your mouth closer to the mic so they can hear you. Okay, here, touch my hand, touch my hand.

Oh my God, you're like— it's soaking wet. So sick.

Isn't this crazy? Carly, watch.

I'm good. Oh wait. Ew, I didn't realize until— ew, it's disgusting.

It's like dripping. Bruce, touch my hand.

No, I wish we had video.

Listening, that's fucking gross.

Ew, I feel like I just got the flu. All right, yeah, we all got sick right now.

Uh, isn't that crazy?

Oh my—

what is it? God, guys, this is why we should be shooting the video podcast today. Today earlier, I was sweating so much I went like this, like I flicked my hand down And I swear to God, I got it like over my wall and my ceiling. Like, it's really good.

I saw it.

And it's only sometimes, like, it's not even when I'm nervous. Maybe because I'm talking about my family. I don't know what's going on.

You're funny in line the other night when we went to that party. I smoked a little pot the other night, and then I didn't even like film or anything. And David, David was making me laugh so hard the other night because you were high. I— yeah, it was because I was high, but it was— you had some great comebacks. Remember you had that tennis ball and you were standing in line?

That was my favorite.

I still would have laughed even if I wasn't high. They were in line this really fancy Hollywood party.

It was an Emmy party.

It was an Emmy party, and Natalie was with us. And that's always fun when Natalie's with us because it's like Natalie's normal. So it's like, you look over at her and be like—

I brought a tennis ball with me, like a little— I mean, I'm not gonna describe a tennis ball.

I don't know why.

It's like a little green fuzzy thing.

What is it exactly? What is it? I mean, it's a— wait, it bounces, or—

it does, it does.

I saw what it was. I was like, what is that thing? He brings a tennis ball out of his car We go down, we're going to this Hollywood Emmy party, which you know is gonna suck.

Sure.

And so we're in line, we have to wait for a really long time, and there's this like real erudite like TV producer, like a guy with like glasses, and he like talks like this.

Like he— like you could tell he's— he has money. Yeah, like just dressed to the nines.

He had those kind of glasses that are round and clear. Yeah, the frames are clear, so you know he has money.

Like, like he looked like Howie Mandel, like he was polished.

Polished. Yeah, yeah, like, and looks like he's like vegan.

And he was standing right behind us in line.

And probably in his 50s.

Sure.

And he says to David, like real smartass, he goes, "So do you bring those everywhere you go?" He goes, "So do you bring that tennis ball everywhere you go?" Isn't that what he said?

Yeah.

Yeah. And then David's—

Oh, no, no. I think he goes, "So what's the reason?" No, no. Yeah, that's what he said. That's what he said.

Yeah. And David's just bouncing the tennis ball like a 12-year-old. Meanwhile, you're bouncing it off a bus before that goes by. Yeah. Like, it's just weird. And you're all dressed up. And I was dying laughing. And then David bounces the ball and he goes, yeah, it's kind of my thing. Like that. And he's just bouncing it. And then the guy says something else to David.

He goes, what's the reason for you bringing it everywhere?

And David goes, well, it's got me talking to a fantastic guy like you.

That's not what I said.

What did you say?

I said it gets the conversation going with young millionaires like you. Yeah. And then I asked him what his budget's looking like for this year.

He loved that. Then he started talking to us about his kids and we just kind of ignored him. Yeah.

And then he's like, well, my kid actually has a yo-yo. And I'm like, okay, this is enough.

And then we're in line and David goes, next person that asks me about this tennis ball, I'm going to say my mother's ashes are inside.

And then the lady that's like giving us the wristband, She's like young, she's maybe like 23, I don't know, probably like 22. She's like, she's like, oh, tennis ball, what's it for? And I'm like, my mother's ashes are inside. And she stops putting the hand thing, she stops putting that little handband on me and she goes, oh, I, I, really? And, and I'm like, no. And I go, but it got the conversation started. And she goes, okay, what the fuck?

Then we went inside.

Yeah, then we went— so this is, this is my favorite. I mean, we were, um, uh, we were in there, we were talking.

It was all snotty TV people.

Oh my God, it was awful. It was, it was crazy and crowded. Yeah.

And it was at a place called Cicchoni, which just sounds— and Natalie and David all day long were like, so, Sony, so Sony.

Yeah, we didn't know what it was called, not to pronounce it. Anyway, we were there. Jason met one of his old comedian friends that was there.

Yeah.

I went up to her and she's like, hi, I'm a comedian. I'm like, cool, tell me a joke. Yeah, she got so— she's like, oh, you know better than that.

Yeah.

So I'm like, I'm just kidding. Um, and then Jason was talking to her, I think. I, I don't know, there's another woman that came up to him.

I was talking to like some other people because I knew a lot of people there and I didn't want to be in some of the conversations. And, um, and I was like, I don't want to be in this conversation anymore. And I just turned around and David was talking to someone and I just said— I, I set this up better.

So this is better because I, I may put this in my vlog one day. I was talking to someone And Jason— I didn't even know Jason was right by me. And Jason's talking to someone. He's been talking to this person for like 8 minutes. And he turns around and he just goes, what did you say?

I go, what? What? What is it? What do you want? What do you— and I made like I was annoyed that you were pulling me away from the conversation.

I thought like I actually kicked him with my foot or something. And then Jason goes—

And then I got right up in front of him and I go, get me out of this fucking conversation. And then David was like, Hey, hey! And then, and then I made like he was talking about the curtains, and, and they bought the whole thing.

Yeah, just got out of the conversation.

Boring party. And then David got champagne. They had a, they had a, a vending machine, a Chandon Moët whatever vending machine that was just champagne. It just served champagne. So we go over there and we check out the champagne, and there's a guy in a tuxedo working the vending machine. And he's like, and David's like, what kind of, which one is your favorite? And he goes, well, I'd go with the pink, that's pretty much my favorite. And he goes through all the champagnes and he tells David all about the champagnes. And it comes down the vending machine, the guy pops it open, and he does it in a special way where you can drink it right out of the bottle, 'cause they put like a cone inside. It's actually the most beautiful thing ever, like really well designed. David takes one sip and he goes, ah, I hate champagne. He goes, I just remembered I hate champagne. And the guy's like, Oh yeah, I didn't like that.

And I was like, I'm kidding, thank you so much.

No, you weren't kidding. You hate champagne. Yeah, you weren't kidding at all.

Yeah, no, I was— I said I'm kidding for— I said something else to him too, and I, I don't know, he was— he was in it.

And then there was all that food there that I wanted to eat, and then I saw Natalie and I was like, Natalie, let's eat. And she's like, no, I'm not gonna eat. And then I didn't eat.

The whole thing was a very— it was, it was a very, very fun night, that's, that's for sure. But 23andMe— oh yeah, guys, This is our third ad of the day. Let's just fire it up right here. This is our third and final, so drum roll please, Jason. 23andMe is a DNA testing service that can offer insights into your ancestry, health, wellness, and traits. The 23andMe Health and Ancestry service includes reports on how your DNA can influence your weight, sleep quality, caffeine intake, sense of taste, whether you are likely to be lactose intolerant, and more. It's easy to do. You simply spit into the tube provided in your 23andMe kit and mail your saliva sample back to the lab to be analyzed. This sounds like something you would do and then Tricia would intercept the package halfway and make a clone out of you. Tricia is his girlfriend. The bitter taste report and sweet versus salty reports. DNA can play a role in determining your food preferences from sweet to salty to bitter. It's amazing, guys. They can, they literally print out a report about you. They tell you more facts that you don't even know about yourself. The lactose intolerance report. Sheds insights into how your genetics may affect your ability to digest dairy products. It's like, it's if you want to know more about yourself, um, either—

yeah, Josh Peck did a YouTube video. I did a YouTube video with him with 23andMe, and it was great. Like, it all, like, it made like tons of sense, like what they found out about him. And like, literally, like, they're like, you don't like cilantro. And he was like, I don't like cilantro.

How the fuck do you know?

So it's all this really neat stuff you can find.

Guys, order your 23andMe Health and Ancestry Service Kit at 23andme.com.

.com/views.

That's the number 2, 3, and andme.com/views. Okay guys, as I was reading that ad, I looked over to Bruce's phone and there was an ad on his phone. Bruce, what was the ad? Queen. It was for fucking Queen. For Queen. We talked about Queen on the podcast and I was, I was literally looking at his phone. He's going through his Instagram stories and Queen popped up. Isn't that weird? Why would an ad for Queen pop up?

Uh, because they bought an ad this week in the show, you dummy. I set the whole thing up with Bruce earlier.

Fuck off. No, but isn't that crazy?

I mean, it does happen a lot. It happened to me the other day.

All these people are saying, you know, if you talk on Instagram, if you have the Instagram app open or Facebook open and you're talking about certain things, if you're talking about wanting diapers or that you just got a new baby, then diaper ads will fucking appear on yours.

I wanted to buy Wyatt bubble hockey, of course, for the new house, and it's really expensive. I'm not gonna buy it.

And then the book— and then the book came up called How to Stop Being a Dumbass Parent.

But one of the sites where you can buy bubble hockey is Jet.com. And, and I went to Jet.com on my computer, and then I was on Instagram on my phone a day later, and there was an ad for Jet.com, which I've never heard of.

Sure.

So I, I do. That is strange.

It is weird.

I think they're listening.

You think?

And they're like, this podcast is shit.

It was good up until they started talking about us.

What's up guys, hope you're having fun. Sorry your job sucks, you just listen to people all day. Sorry we're not more entertaining.

Do you think the government listens to us and like taps our phone calls?

I don't think there's enough people to tap us all. Yeah, you know what I mean?

It's not so fucking deep.

I don't know, man.

Yeah. And would you care, like, if like someone from the government is like hacking your webcam or hacking your phone call?

No.

No, right? If it's someone from the government, I don't have any problem with it. If it's like someone that's doing it to check the safety of our, like, country—

I was a spy in the '90s. I mean, I was— I worked for the CIA.

You did?

And when I did Yeah, we did. We listened to a lot of people. Really? Yeah.

What did you guys tap into?

Well, we were following a guy named David Dobrik who was 12, 13 years old, you know, watching his every move.

Did you find out?

Found out he was a little bitch who cried.

Did you find out who wiped his ass till he was 15?

We did. Who? It was his mom.

Fuck.

I know everything about you, motherfucker. You can run.

What was another odd job you had? Because you had a bunch of different—

I should dig graves.

Great.

That was fun.

Probably gonna come back to you soon, huh?

I'm not going anywhere.

At least you're ready for when you gotta take your own.

Listen, you know what? If I died, what would you do?

Fucking throw a party.

You wouldn't.

No.

How dare you?

I wouldn't throw a party.

Would you throw a party? No, seriously, if I died, what would you do?

I'd do whatever you want me to do.

What would you do that day?

Right now?

Would you post the vlog?

Of course.

You would?

Would I post a vlog?

You wouldn't take a fucking day off.

Would you want me to?

If I died Sunday, Sunday night.

Sure.

Say we're filming.

Great.

And let's say I died during filming.

Then I have to get that up so it's current.

Let's say I just had a heart attack in the Tesla.

Great.

All right. And it's not your fault. You didn't cause it. I just died.

Heart attack in the Tesla.

And I died at 9:00. You take me to the hospital. They pronounce me dead 10:30. Then what? Then what do you do?

You're dead, 10:30 at night.

I'm dead, DOA, 10:30. Go.

I'd wake up on Monday.

You just go to sleep, get a good night's sleep. Is that what happened? It's 10:30.

I gotta head it early. I got the best— I get my rest. I got the best vlog coming up.

Yeah, well, you know you're not filming my dead body.

Sure. So I know if you genuinely passed away— no, I wouldn't upload a vlog on Monday.

You wouldn't?

I'd have two vlogs going up on Wednesday.

Okay, so you don't post on Monday? I wouldn't post You'd probably have the conversation with Natalie, like, do I post, do I not post?

Yeah.

What would you do?

Yeah, I'd have the conversation with Natalie.

Sure.

I'd have—

I think Jason would want you to post.

That's what Natalie would say. Well, no, Natalie would be like—

I'll see you at a meeting with Fanjoy.

Natalie would be like, we should take the month off. Let's take the month off.

And go to Mykonos.

Yeah. I'd be like, fuck off, I'm posting now. No, I mean, I would do whatever you want me to do. Would you want me to continue my social media if you die? Right now, what you say on this podcast, I will do exactly that when you die.

Yeah, I would want you to keep going. Of course I would.

So the next day you want me to upload?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What do you want me to title the video?

Just title it Jason Tried. It didn't really work out, but he tried.

It's a long title.

Put that on my tombstone.

Sure.

Yeah.

Do you want me to make a joke out of your death or no?

Oh, definitely.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah. My mom, my mom's already told me that, that she wants, she wants us to make jokes at her funeral.

Really?

Yeah.

Like at her expense?

Just anything. Just, just, yeah. Joke about her being dead.

Yo, yo, Jason, yo mama so dead.

We had the best time. She was here for 3 weeks.

Sure.

It was awesome. I did carpool karaoke with her.

Yeah, no, she's great.

She was really fun.

I don't want her to go.

You just didn't want her to die?

Yeah, I'll be honest with you, I know I make a lot of jokes about her dying, and I don't want that to happen.

Of course not.

She's very—

but I feel like we were killing her while she was here.

I saw that too. Yeah, I was getting those vibes.

Yeah, because she wouldn't— she wouldn't say no to anything. Yeah, like, you can stay home, you don't have to come to the college. She's just like, I'll do it, I'll do it. She's like, no, I don't want to miss out on any fun, I can rest when I go home.

No, she's so sweet.

She's a good kid.

What would you do if I died?

If you died, get a job at Starbucks.

That's all you would do?

I mean, I got to support myself. I got 2 kids.

Would you post the next day?

Would I post it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I would probably put together some sort of tribute video.

Sure.

Yeah.

What would you make the thumbnail and title?

'Best friend died.' Just, I just call it David. Oh, okay. Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, I'd call it Jason too.

I'd make it nice. I'd make a nice memorial. Are you planning on dying? Just give me a little lead time if you are.

Give you a heads up.

Yeah, I should like get that. I'll get John working on that.

Can I go through the video before you post? Can I go through the video before? Can you make the video for my death now? Just make sure you're putting in the right stuff. I don't want to go out and you keep in some bad stuff, like my nutsack's accidentally in it. It's like a slow motion montage of all the great moments.

I haven't showed your That's like, yeah, I need to. You know, when I used to work as a, um, when I worked at Channel 4 News in Boston, you had the fucking most obscure jobs. I, I, um, I had to, I had to, um, I worked off for the sports desk for a while.

Sure.

And one night I was like going through someone's computer for some reason, and they had the obituaries of everyone already written out, and that blew my mind.

Oh wow, for the day before.

But they were, they were alive. So it was like, there was this guy, Red Auerbach, he was like famous Boston Celtics coach. And the guy had his obituary written for 5 years before he died. They would just have it ready to go. Oh, isn't that crazy?

Oh, obituaries are where people write when they die?

Yeah, like Red Auerbach, you know, led the Celtics to 4 championships. It was arguably the best, you know, the—

did the fuck— they wrote it about people?

Yeah.

Whoa.

They just have it waiting.

They've had yours probably for the last 20 years.

No one gives a fuck about me, but yeah, that would be great if they did.

I'll hire a writer for my vlog or for the next podcast. I'll I'll hire a writer to write one about you. Oh man, I'll read it to you.

I was gonna say you should have a funeral for me in your vlog, but you already did that.

It's every vlog, literally dying. It's just one painful death. All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Make sure— like, oh, my voice sounded fucking cool there. Make sure to like and subscribe.

What the fuck was that?

I don't know, I just heard it. I think I hit— I bounced it off the wall correctly and I just fucking sounded dope. Um, you're welcome guys. This is what you're gonna get for next week's podcast. Kim Kardashian, thanks for tuning in for another one. Thanks for supporting us.

Go check out David's merch.

Go check out Jason's merch.

Go do everything that you do. Keep being you.

Yeah, tweet us some more topics. Thank you to all our guests, including my sweaty hands, and we'll see you guys later. My name is Jeff. Bye.