Caught Skinny Dipping In Their Pool

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where I tell you all the secrets even behind the vlog, like how many times I slept with Jason's mom after I married her. Find out here later on the Views podcast.

Can't wait.

Let's roll the intro music. Let's talk about this. This is something we can talk about. It's about Ilia. I have beef with Ilya. Yo, whenever Ilya is around girls, the dude will bend over backwards, do anything they ask. It is insane, Jay. I've never seen anything like it. You know what word I hate? I hate the word simp. I fucking hate it. But I wish there was another word that I can use because that is exactly what Ilya is. It is crazy. This is just one example. The other day We're sitting here. Corinna's bored. She's like, let's rent the car. And Ilya's like, sure. Ilya cashed out $3,500 for a Lamborghini Aventador just so she can drive around in it for the day. $3,500. Another, another, another thing is we're back in my hometown. There's this girl that— there's this girl that he like is talking to, whatever. He likes her. She's like, I love chameleons or whatever. So the next day he's like, let's go to Petco. Let's get something. So he goes and he buys a snake with her. And he like gets like a tank to set it up. And then he— and just now in the mail came like this big fucking cardboard box and I'm like, what's in there? And he's like, oh, I bought a painting from her because she's an artist. Like, the dude does anything. Like, it's crazy. What is with you?

I don't agree with you. I honestly don't even know how to defend myself, but I don't agree with Ella from a girl's perspective. Oh my fucking God.

100%. We told you this morning you were a simp and he got so mad.

Well, that is a mean word to call somebody.

I mean, if you look up the description, it's not a mean thing. All girls want a simp. All girls want a simp.

Look, I'm not a fucking simp just because I do nice things for other fucking human beings. Does not mean I'm a simp.

But he does nice things for me.

I do nice things for everybody, whether it's a girl, boy.

No, bro. No, no, I do. You fuck. Yeah. You don't fucking sit on the couch with our guy friends and massage their legs for fucking 3 hours. I'll fucking tell you that, bro.

I'll massage your leg any day, bro.

It's crazy.

It's not like I— it's not like I did it for Karina.

Yeah, you did. No, I didn't.

Deadass, I didn't do it for Karina. It was her idea. And yes, she was a huge influence, but it wasn't directly for her.

That's what— that's exactly what it is.

No, it's not.

She was a huge influence. You literally just said it yourself. It was her idea. She literally went, it was her idea and she was a huge influence.

Yeah, but if you went, 'I'll— let's rent a supercar,' I'd be like, 'Okay, sure.' If Jay went, 'Let's rent the supercar,' I'd be like, 'Okay.' If Jeff went, 'Let's go rent a supercar,' I'd be like, 'Okay.' Hey, Ill, you want to rent a supercar?

No, no, I'm good, bro.

We had a hypnotist come to the house today.

Oh my God, just randomly?

Yeah, Matt, for a video. Matt King was gone. He was like actually gone.

Yeah, hypnotists are weird.

Bro, he thought I was Lorde. I was a singer.

Lorde, did he start crying?

But basically he was like, oh my god, the new album's coming out. And then the guy was like, okay, Jason's gonna sing the new album to you. He's like, oh my god, I can't wait to hear it. I know it's coming out. And he's gonna— and then he had me sing like the alphabet to Matt. I was like, ABC. And Matt thought it was—

Matt thought it was Lorde's new album.

He thought we were all aliens at one point.

I don't know, bro.

He took a bite of like raw Beyond Burger meat and thought it was a hamburger. Then he goes, okay, whatever Jason's gonna say right now is gonna be the most offensive thing that you've ever heard. And I basically go, Matt, I think you're great. And he goes, Jason!

Jason!

Oh my God, you're recording this? No, no! And I'm like, Matt, I think you're a great guy and like you're one of my favorite people to hang out with and I love when we have like White Claws in the backyard. And he was like, no, no, it was insane.

Yeah, bro, that's crazy to me. I don't understand that.

And Susie didn't go. I thought Susie would be the one that would go, and she didn't.

Wait, what? What are you gonna say?

I don't think that Dave would fall for it.

No, no, no, you don't. You, you have to like be willing to do it. I, I understand. I think I understand how meditation works. Like, it's like— sorry, how hypnotized— hypnotism works. I think like it's almost like meditation. Like you have to like really clear your mind and be like, you have to let a person into your mind. Like, it's almost like—

I can't imagine that.

It's— and that for that reason you can't do it, bro.

This is a photo. I know this doesn't work for the podcast, but this is a photo of Matt thinking I'm Lord. Look at his face. He looks like he's fucking possessed.

Yeah.

So bizarre.

Hey, David, do you remember when you met my dad in Boston? Yeah, we had a show there.

Yeah.

And, uh, it was like a really cold day and And, uh, we were about to leave for the airport, and, and right before we left, you, you pulled my dad and my mom into a doorway. It was really cold. It was my mom and David and, and me. And he was like, I just— Bob, I just have one question. And he's like, yes, David? He's this big, like, tall booming voice. And he was like, did you know your son's a pussy? And I have to tell you, I've never seen my father laugh like that in my entire life. I've never seen him laugh like that.

That was the first time I met him.

I mean, like, you'd met him like a couple hours before, but it was the first time you got him on camera.

Yeah, bro. Your dad's like a little frat man. So everyone knows about this ongoing fight with me and Ilya about our height. Like, about our height situation. I think he's short. He doesn't think he's short. He's 5'8". I'm 5'10". I think I have a lot on him today.

9 and a half. Okay.

No, I'm 5'10". Trust me. You can go to the DMV. Everybody knows there. Everybody at the DMV.

Guys grow until they're 25, you know?

Yeah, he is 25, so it's over. You catch up. So anyway, Ilya today looks up, he's getting so pissed that he stormed out of my trailer earlier, like on set, because he was just so mad that I was calling him short. And like, as he's walking out, I was just like, be careful, be careful on the steps. He's getting so fucking angry. And so he looked up the height, like the height in the world, what's the average? And he found out it's 5'6" and he's like, David, look at this, it's 5'6". I'm above average. He's like fucking yelling at me. And then Ella goes, Ella goes, what about in the US? And he looks that up and apparently it's 5 foot 9. So he's below average height in the United States for men. For men.

Yeah.

So he's back.

The only thing left is just to measure your penises.

And that's it. I'd love that. I know where that would go.

Go ahead. Go in the bathroom.

I was also talking to some people on set and it's like this— one of my, one of my friends on set, she wants to get a pig. Like as a pet. And she's like, and she was, she was talking about how, like, aren't like pigs like the smartest? And it's like, like, you've heard that before, right?

Yeah.

But like, what the fuck does that mean? Like, I thought about it and it's like, how much smarter are they than dogs? Do you know what I mean?

Like, yes, they do have high intelligence, right?

Right. But like, but like, to what level? Like, I may offend some pig people, but like, it's not like a pig can, you know, draw or write, you know, A poem.

Emotional intelligence, right? Pig, like, knows you.

I think they're pretty— but I think that's what dogs are too. I think most dogs have that same intelligence.

Sure.

But people will talk about pigs like they're Einstein. Oh my God, pigs, you know, they're the smartest animal. Like, they're still animals though.

I think, I think people maybe assume when you say pig, they're like, yeah, well, it's just a pig, right? You know? But they're like, no, actually pigs are pretty smart.

Pigs are the smartest.

Yeah.

I think what they should be saying is pigs are smart, just like dogs. When you say that the smartest— like, people, I'm telling you, people hype them up like they're taking pre-algebra.

Can we look that up?

Who's—

yeah, I just looked it up. Basically, when they try to do different, like, cognitive activities, like doing mazes and stuff, like when you have a rat or a monkey figure out a maze, like, they can solve it just as well as a chimpanzee or something.

Wow, smart as a chimp.

But it says that dogs, chimpanzees, elephants, and dolphins, even humans like that they have— they share the same cognitive capacity.

That's also kind of fucking weird. Like, I feel like if I put Jason in a maze and a dog in a maze, I would put my money on the dog. Like, that's also a way— that's a weird way to— the dog's fast.

That's a—

yeah, that's a weird way to judge someone's ability to—

I was in a corn maze last year. I couldn't get out.

Yeah. You know, the rule is, right, we got into an argument about this. Just stay to the left side of the wall and you'll get out at one point.

Is that true?

Yeah. Hug one side of the wall and you'll— and you'll eventually get out of there.

It's interesting. I can't wait for Halloween.

I've— why?

I'm gonna fucking kill that maze this year.

You leave your kids behind? Fuck you guys, I did it in 5 minutes and 15 seconds.

Fuck you guys.

Wyatt, you're a bitch. I fucking knew it.

No, Wyatt does, um, he, he has like GPS when he does it. He like downloads the maps and stuff.

He uses like his Apple Watch. Yeah, when he goes through fucking mazes.

Well, that's an option. You can like figure it out on your own, or you can use like the—

when you get lost, you can use the GPS on your Apple Watch.

Yeah, it's an option.

That's weird.

Natalie was around my kids today. Oh my God, I was so nervous. I was so nervous.

Natalie hates your kids.

I know. I was just waiting for them.

Were you just— were you just whispering to your kids like, don't say anything, don't look her in the eyes, don't say anything stupid, and don't tell her how much I love you?

Jason is like so such a like a hyperactive parent. Like, his kids were playing in the pool, and one of the kids, Wyatt's friend, was hanging off of Heath and Mariah's zipline, and he just was jumping into the pool, like, casually, like trying to jump into an inner tube. And he tried— he jumped into the inner tube and made a huge loud noise. Obviously he splashed into the pool, and Jason freaked out. He thought that the kid, like, like, died or something.

Because 5 minutes before, Heath— I had my back, I was in the hot tub, and Heath goes, oh my God, where's Charlie? Where's Charlie? Where's Charlie? Like that. And I turn around, I go, Charlie!

Like that.

And he's like, I'm just kidding. She was like, right there.

He was pretending she was drowning.

He was just pretending she was gone.

Oh, man.

I really was talking. That is such a—

that is such a fucked up joke.

It is such a fucked up joke. I couldn't say anything because I was like, he doesn't have kids. He doesn't get it.

Right.

But it was funny.

Was Charlie there?

But like, parents don't make those jokes.

I never thought of that. That's so funny.

Speaking of Zayn, Heath, and Mariah on their podcast this week. Yeah. They talked about me.

This is funny. Did you hear about this?

No, I didn't hear about this either until—

Ella, it's an audio podcast. It doesn't matter.

Yes.

Mouth.

Can we stop taping? Ella says I have something in my teeth.

Ella signaling to Jason saying that he has something in his fucking teeth. It's an audio podcast. Are you fucking kidding me? Now he's about to tell this story that I've been kind of excited for. And then Ella goes, Jason, Jason, the teeth!

I want to apologize to everybody out there for what was in my teeth.

Yeah, everybody listening, I'm sorry. For fuck's sake, Ella. Okay, go Natalie.

Okay, so sometimes, and a few people know this, not many people know this, but I've done this ever since I was like in college where if I drink a lot the night before, I wake up super early when I'm hungover and I love to go swimming. Like, I love—

you did it at my house.

Yeah, I used to do it at your house. Yeah, yeah. And so now our closest friends that have a pool is Zane's house. I was hungover one morning and I got up. It was probably like 6:00 AM. And I thought it would be a really good idea if I just went swimming in their pool. And I didn't tell anybody. I just went downstairs, went outside into the backyard, and decided to get naked because I thought that would be an even better idea. So.

Yeah.

I just got— I went into the backyard, I got completely just ass naked, and I like walked around like, are you like—

but like, where are your hands?

I'm holding my boobs, so like, God forbid there's security.

But your butt and your—

yeah, everything. I'm just completely naked, David.

Okay, okay.

And I'm like— and I looked, I looked into Zane's bedroom because this is on the first floor, and I was like, okay, all of his curtains are closed, everything's closed, like he's not gonna see me, whatever, and no one will know. Like, they won't even know to check their cameras because they won't know that I did this. And so I like, whatever, I get naked, I'm like, you know, holding my boobs, walking around the pool, and I get to the deep end and I just jump in like free spirit and all.

Oh my God.

And this past week I'm listening, I get, I get tagged on Instagram like Zane and Heath's podcast, Natalie's naked. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? Like, what is he saying? And apparently Zane didn't sleep in his room that night. He slept in his guest bedroom with the curtains wide open, which is right at the end of the deep end of the pool.

So he woke up at 6 AM to my binoculars that he got as a Christmas gift.

He woke up with my bare ass just jumping in.

He didn't say anything, and he didn't tell me until the podcast.

I found out on his podcast, like, 3 weeks later.

You talk to him about it?

Yeah, I talked to him about it.

What did he say?

He was just like, oh yeah, I was going to tell you, but I was going to make a TikTok and then talk about the podcast and whatever.

And I was like, okay, that's so funny.

I'm still going to do it again.

But I imagine— yeah, I imagine you jump into the pool and the alarm of the house sets off and everybody in the house comes running out. Who's in the pool? Natalie's fucking tits flopping around the deep end.

Yeah, she likes to do that. She showed up at my house at like 6 AM once.

Yeah, I wasn't naked at your house.

I thought she's on crack.

I know you weren't naked, but it's the best jumping into a cold pool of water when you're hungover. It's—

I've never heard that.

It's great.

I like, I like, uh, to have Doritos and go into the pool. That's my favorite. Chips.

We had Jonah come to set today. Um, Jonah, Jonah was coming to set today, but he was really late. He was coming with Ilya. Ilya, why was he late? He was like literally like like 15, 20 minutes late. What happened? There's— I should say there's a checkpoint before you go to set. That's like a COVID checkpoint. And you have to check in, like, whatever, talk about your symptoms if you have any or whatever, and then they let you go to the actual set. And Jonah was stuck at the checkpoint. What happened?

Yeah. So, so we pull up to the checkpoint and the guy goes up to my car and he's like, hey, are you guys visitors or are you talent? Jonah goes, we're visitors.

He's thinking about it.

Yeah, yeah. And Jonah's on the show, right?

Yeah, he's telling—

I'm like, I'm like, the guy leaves. I'm like, Jonah, why the fuck didn't you say you were talent? He's like, well, I don't want to like say that I'm talent.

Like, you didn't want to brag? Yeah, he didn't want to.

We stood at the fucking checkpoint for like 15 minutes for the guy to drive from set to our car to like clear Jonah so we can go.

We had to like— yeah, like, so they thought he was just like a random person coming on set because the guy at the checkpoint doesn't really know who's on the show.

Sure.

So he had no idea. So he didn't— he couldn't He didn't go to Jonah's name tag that he already has there because he's a talent on the show. But rather, Jonah thought he was being humble by telling him that he was a visitor. He's like, I didn't want to brag and say I was talent. I was like, you fucking moron. You held up the entire set.

Is anybody on this plane a doctor? I mean, I am.

I mean, I mean, I went to school for it.

Like, I don't want to— I don't want to brag and say I can start saving lives.

He's fucking dying. Please, somebody help. I mean, if nobody else wants to step in, I guess. I guess I'll be the doctor. Jay, who's dumber, me or Elliot?

Who's smarter, me or David?

Okay, that's a dumb question. That should prove it.

That's tough because on so many levels you guys are just complete fucking blithering idiots.

Obviously I'm smarter than you. I got better grades.

That doesn't mean you're smarter than David.

Okay, hold on.

The question is, what is smart, right? Like, what does smart mean? Because, like, no, Taylor's nodding her head because she knows what I mean.

Okay.

Just because you got good grades does not mean you're smart. Maybe you're book smarter than me.

I think I'm book smart and street smart.

Name the first 6 presidents of the United States.

George Washington, John Adams.

No, not together. Don't do it together. Ilya, name the first 6 presidents.

You Google and I'll tell them. No. Okay. I mean, listen, you don't know either. No, no, I got it. I got it. George Washington, John Adams. John Quincy Adams is somewhere in there too. Um, um, fuck.

Taylor, stop helping David.

Dave, I'll give you $1,000 if you get the first 6 presidents.

First 6? Yeah, it's tough, man.

I mean, that's just like— that's—

I don't think anybody knows that.

Who's John Adams?

Can you name 10 presidents altogether?

Yeah, 100%.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, name the first 6 presidents.

I don't— that's all I know.

Okay, I don't even— I didn't know.

I just know John Adams and George Washington. Yeah. What are they? What are they?

I only know because I was in a TikTok today and I didn't know.

What are they?

It's Washington, Adams, John Quincy Adams, Madison, Monroe.

Well, I got the first 3.

Jefferson.

Oh, oh my God.

You didn't say Jefferson.

Yeah, I said Quincy Adams and John Adams. You did good.

You got 3 out of 6. That's more than Ilya. So I guess you're the smartest.

Yeah. Fuck you, Ilya. I told you.

But Ilya is way smarter in business.

Yeah. Plumbing. He knows how to fix a toilet.

You know, he's way smarter in business.

Of course, in business.

Yeah, well, that's smart.

Okay, and you're more worldly than him because you've like lived in LA longer than me. I'll give that to you.

But only because he's like lived in LA longer and he's had 3 or 4 years of—

no, like if him and I move here at the same time, yeah, yeah, yeah, end of senior year, end of our schooling, who was smarter? Me. That's it, period.

Who got better grades?

What does senior year have to do with anything?

Because that was our last— that was our last year of being in school. So I'm saying the last, like, year where we were both learning the same things, who was picking up most of the information that was being thrown down by the system?

Who's— who was out working in the real world while you were doing that?

It wasn't to drop out of college, huh?

Yours?

Yeah, exactly.

Actually, I don't know. Was it yours?

It was. It was ours.

We were both fucking dumb.

What was that conversation like? About a month into college, you guys said, fuck this.

It was like, hey, man, you bored?

It was like— it was literally like a 50/50.

College is so fucking boring. Boring, bro. Oh my God, Ilya and I would be in like class, it would be like, look at everybody, we'd fucking make fun of people. We'd be like, what the fuck are they doing? This shit's so boring, like let's fucking leave. Yeah, really? And you can just leave. Like, and Natalie's fucking in her school, like Lake Forest, like fucking studying plants and shit, like how ecosystem works. And you're just like, Natalie, what are you fucking doing? Come hang out. Like, no, I'm learning about photosynthesis today.

No, it was, no, I'm having a good time with my friends.

Yeah, right, with a fucking Hockey friends who fucking drink beers and watch the Hawks win, watch Hawk reruns from 2014 when they got—

I'm sorry, we don't all sit on our asses and play COD for 7 hours a day.

That's a low blow, Natalie.

You know, I'm doing a lot more than just playing Call of Duty.

I'm—

first of all, what, sitting on your ass, moving from your bed to the couch?

No, I'm learning fucking reflexes and I'm learning skills that I can apply to my daily life. Like, did you know that I can put on 3 vests and that'll protect me from bullets? And then I can also— and I've learned how to fly helicopters.

I've lost 50% of your audience at this point. At this point, there are 60% women listening to this podcast. I don't want to hear about you turning into Iron Man.

Is that what you're working on?

No.

Let's get back to the thing, Ilia. Let's agree. I am smarter. You're a good friend. What? Yeah, you're a good guy.

You're a good guy too.

Thank you. You're a better guy.

Who's more pleasant?

I'm smarter.

I think that you're good. You're smart at what you do, but I think the things that you don't apply yourself to, you're intellectually inept at those things.

Yes, but I'm saying— I'm saying if Ilia and I are learning things at the same time, that's why I said school is dumb.

Thank you.

Come on. I'm just saying school, bro. There's no reason. School? There's no reason you should have a below 3 GPA. No reason. I didn't try fucking. I didn't try either. It was a 2.8. What was your GPA? 3.2.

Okay, so you were 0.4 higher than me.

That's a lie.

Oh, good math. And then goes, okay, so you're 0.9 higher than me.

Were you nervous around your girlfriend's parents ever?

Yeah. Oh, yeah, you were. Fuck yeah. What do you mean? It was Liza's parents. Yeah, that was like— it was me. And it was— remember, like, that's when— when Liza was making videos and she was like super clean, like cookie cutter, and I was like edgy David. Yeah, that was like the fucking scariest.

I can't imagine David at like dinner, like all quiet.

Like, I don't think I ever went to dinner. Oh, I went to dinner with her mom and her sisters once. I fucking— I really— I really loved all of them. Loved. No, no, I really did like all of them. But yeah, that is like the most nerve-wracking thing.

I can't imagine like what kind of guy Charlie will bring home and what I'll think.

And yeah, but you're gonna be like the easiest parent to meet, you know?

You think?

Yeah, I think so.

Not with Charlie, I won't.

Well, you know, people will have that impression.

No, bro, Jay's like weird with shit like that. Like, you know, that's like, that's Jason's thing is that's where he gets weird in situations like that. Like with his ex-wife's like boyfriend, like he has like this awkward part of him where he like, he like turns off.

It's true.

He like snaps out of like fun, cool Jason and gets, goes like this weird, like awkward, eerie place where he's like battling from within. And he's like, and he's like, it's like, he's like, it's like, it's like he's like, I don't know how to describe it. It's like, it's like, it's like 4 people trying to come out of him. Only, only the one really awkward one is like succeeding.

Wow.

Like it's, it's, it's really bizarre.

Damn, that was good.

Damn.

And it's— yeah, and that's, that's the part that's going to come out when, when Charlie is— when Charlie has a boyfriend, and it's going to be weird.

So, going to Georgetown this fall, huh? Huh?

Hey man, I thought you were a lot more fun than that.

Oh my God, what's coming out of your mouth?

Charlie, why is your dad biting my arm? Now that—

I've never seen anyone assess me so well. That was interesting.

Yeah, that's like, that's like the strangest thing about you is like And it happens sometimes when a person will meet you on the street and they'll— and they'll make like a fat joke or an old joke. Like, that's where it comes out. That's where you like snap out of Jason. You go, you go, where am I? And you go— and it's like you're— it's like it's your first time in your own body. It's like, where am I and how do I deal with this attacker?

It's like my ego gets bruised. If my ego gets bruised, then all bets are off.

What's the Black Spider-Man's name? Like the guy—

Venom.

Venom. It's like you turn into Venom.

Yeah. Yeah. I hate—

I'm waiting the whole story to make that fucking—

I hate when I get like that. I hate when I get embarrassed.

Yeah, it is weird because I—

because it's the worst.

You would think that you would never get like—

most of the time I'm pretty good, but yeah.

Jay, I think Ella and Taylor, my two assistants, I think they hook up when we're— when we're on set.

No kidding.

Yeah. Is that true?

Yeah, dude. Yeah. Today I left to go work out and I'm like, hey, I'm going to go work out now. And they're like, Oh, how long are you going to go for? I don't know, an hour and a half.

Okay. Be honest, Ella. Have you guys ever done anything? Honestly. Honestly. And you could be— it doesn't matter. We think it's cool.

No, not even.

Not even a little.

No.

Give her the deadass. Give her the deadass. Deadass.

Deadass. Have you and Taylor done anything? Deadass?

No.

To be fair, have you and Ilya ever done anything?

Yeah.

Yes, definitely.

Hold on.

I walked in. I walked in on Ilya and David the other day. David was face down on his bed, laying there with his shirt up, and Ilya was laying next to him, just scratching his back.

And I said, okay, that's a low blow.

You got— first of all, Ilya was wearing a wig and we were just—

we were— Ilya was wearing my hot pink jumpsuit and my hot pink wig, scratching David's back.

Yeah, Ilya was wearing Natalie's clothes. We were just role-playing a little bit. That's so funny. That was a real moment.

Were you doing Natalie's voice? Yeah, you have to post this tomorrow. 4 o'clock, the brand's going to be upset.

Tell Taylor what happened yesterday in the Gulag.

Oh, you won't believe that. No, you can't explain that.

I'll hear it.

So there's this thing called the Gulag.

Oh yeah.

Huh?

In Call of Duty, there's a thing on the Gulag, and it's when you're—

when you're lost, you're in there. Well, when you lose, when you get killed, you're in there. You have one more life to get back, right? And it's one-on-one in the Gulag, one person versus another person. And if you lose, winner, winner goes back to the map and loser has to end the game. That's how the Gulag works. And everyone else that's in the Gulag is waiting for their turn to one-on-one. And they're like on the outside of the Gulag looking in. So if your teammate is also in the Gulag, you can give him tips and you can go, the enemy's on your left, the enemy's on your right, right? Wow. Okay. So Ilya's in the Gulag and he's up top like seeing everybody in the Gulag. And all of a sudden Ilya goes, he's on your left, he's on your left, he's on your left. He's like fucking screaming. And I'm like, and I'm like, what the fuck are you saying? And he's like, he's on your left. And I'm like, dude, none of us are in the gulag. So it was just like a Call of Duty joke. Like he was screaming and giving us tips, but none of us were playing. There was just— he was watching another random guy play and he's like, he's on your left. And we're like, dude, we're all in the game.

No, it was quieter. It was like, left, left.

This doesn't look good on you.

Honestly, because you're right hand to God, deadass.

It was a joke.

I was kidding.

I don't think so, bro. I—

deadass.

I mean, deadass. Yeah, I've tried that at the time.

I was joking, guys.

It was— it was— I knew it'd be really funny. That's why I did it.

Did you see Neil deGrasse Tyson answer the question, what came first, the chicken or the egg?

No.

He said it's the egg. I've always thought it was the chicken. I've always thought it was chicken, but he said it was the egg.

Right. Like it just slowly evolved from somebody else's egg.

Yeah, it slowly evolved from another animal. And then at one point Inside the egg was a chicken. That's the answer. Yeah, that came first, the egg.

Yeah. What about before that?

Well, that's a different question. Different animal, right? Different animal, I think. Yeah, I mean, it's just— and that's also the theory of things evolving, right? Which is why—

at that—

yeah, yeah.

And I'm not gonna say it came from you.

Don't tell Wyatt, bro, because— don't tell him right now because he'll say he loves you and he cherishes you for the next 8 hours.

He's gonna love that. Hey, you can't tell the—

have you ever made Wyatt cry?

No.

Never.

Never.

That's insane. That's why you have a crazy relationship. Because my parents made me cry a good amount.

Yeah, that's crazy.

What would you cry about?

Nat, have you cried all the time?

I used to cry about like, I can't go to the mall kind of cry.

Or what?

Like, then they wouldn't let you go.

We would all cry like multiple times. Really? I've never made you cry.

No.

Why would I make him cry?

See, that's ridiculous. See, I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing, right?

Because it sounds fucked up that we cried a lot, but it also made sense.

Like, my dad made me cry all the time.

But when you say it out loud, it sounds a little weird, right?

But yeah, I cried all the time. Ilya cried all the time.

I'm trying to think if he ever cried.

Like, they've never been grounded. They've never been punished.

You know, they've never been grounded and they don't have any chores. What? Isn't that insane? No. Uh, like, why? They've never been grounded.

They've never done anything wrong.

Well, they don't have to do anything wrong.

I don't believe you to be grounded. I don't believe in being— Hey, hey, Wyatt, you're grounded! For what, Dad? Fuck you, waking me up at 3 in the morning, you little cunt!

Literally. Okay, question for the gentleman here.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, so during the day, I'm always curious because men are so much hornier than women. During the day, when you get horny, do you have to like do something about it, or do you just like Let it go.

Half and half.

Depends when you get like proper horny.

All right, right.

There's like a proper horny and then there's like, well, when you get horny, you just jerk off. There's no questions about that.

Oh, every time.

I mean, I don't— there's no such thing as being kind of horny.

There is. No, you're either really horny or just kind of horny.

What do you do when you're kind of horny?

Nothing. I just fucking tell myself to stop thinking about it.

Oh no, no, this— when you're horny, I think you're horny.

Oh no, when I'm really horny, I'm like, I have to fucking get rid of this thought right now.

So you have to do something about it?

Yeah, I have to jerk off.

You just jerk off? Why is it so bad? What did you— what did you— what did you think it was like?

What did you think it was?

Well, because like, I feel like, like I'll have horny thoughts or something during the day, but I won't ever— like, I don't act on it unless like I'm You know, like horny thoughts.

What do you mean? Like, what's up? What's a horny thought? Like, that's such a weird way to put it. Like, wow, Ilya looks so good in that tight shirt. I wish he'd sit on my face. What's a horny thought?

Like, I don't know. I, I don't know.

You'll be watching Outer Banks and like, John B will pull his shirt off.

I'm getting a text. Like, I'll just like, I'll just think about it. Like, I'll just think and I'll just like get horny about something. But I don't do something.

Happen usually. Like, what are we doing?

It just happened right now, which is why I asked the question.

No, I know. It just happened right now.

It was like, should I, should I rent a Corvette? Wait, hold on. Okay. Yeah, I guess. Yeah, I guess you could just jerk off.

I just think it's so weird that you have to do something about it. Like, why don't you? You can just like— I can think about sexual things and like get horny or whatever, and I don't have to act on it. But I think it's so weird how men are like, I mean, I must jack off.

I think if you're— if you're actually horny, horny, then you jerk off. That's it. There's no in-between. There's no like somewhat horny. Do I think about like, oh wow, this girl's really cute, I'd love to hook up with her? Do I like think that when I'm scrolling through fucking Instagram? Yeah. But that's not like me being horny, right?

I agree with that.

Right, right. When I'm actually horny— and Ilya, I think you could attest to this— when you're actually horny, you jerk off. Yeah, that's what that is. But you definitely have thoughts throughout the day.

What if you— if you're in a situation where you can't jerk off, right? Keep it in till the end of the day.

What situation in the world could you not masturbate?

If you're—

what do you mean?

You're like at work, if you're in a meeting, if you're out with friends, like when you go in a restaurant and jerk off when you're like out and about in the city.

Every place has a bathroom. You can jerk off anywhere.

You would jerk off anywhere.

Like, like, jerk off in a pub.

You would jerk off in like a Starbucks.

We were so close to finishing this podcast without talking about jerking off.

Sorry. No, hold on.

I'm saying like you're out and you're like, you have a horny thought. Do you go in a Starbucks bathroom and be like, I'm just going to jerk off?

No, it's not like a— it's not like if I don't go somewhere, I'm about to explode.

That's what you can make it sound like.

Yeah. No, it's not like that. You can coast off that thing and be like, when you get home, you do it. I guess that's not what it is. Yeah, it's not like, oh my God, I'm horny, I gotta go somewhere quick, quick, quick.

It's not like that.

It's not like that. It sounds like— no, no, it's not like that. But definitely when you get horny and you're in a spot where you could do that, then you just do it. But no, I've never been at a restaurant and been like, I can't— I get like— like you're talking and I'm sweating all of a sudden and like I can't hear what you're saying because I have to jerk off. It's never like that. I'm never like a carnivore, like just like foaming at my mouth.

Like, I also think it's like I like, I feel like I don't know if this is for all women or maybe it's just me, but I feel like I have to be in a certain environment. Like, I can't just do it anywhere.

Well, yeah, but that's totally different with girls. Like, I don't— I think it's— yeah, I think a guy can—

Anthropologie.

I think for me, I'm in the fitting room.

Jerking off is also like pretty gross, right? Like, it's like a gross thing to do. Like, right.

I mean, you walked in on me doing it the other day.

Like, I feel like if you're a girl— no, I didn't walk in on him. I knocked on his door because I wanted to show him a new update on Call of Duty. And I knocked on the door and he's like, what? And I'm like, oh, you're jerking off? And he's like, yes.

Oh, we talked about—

No, we didn't talk about this because this just happened.

Oh, okay. I think it happened twice then.

No, it's definitely happened a couple of times. But yeah, no, no, I hear you mean— I wonder who in this room gets the horniest the most.

Probably you.

You probably—

you.

I don't actually—

I think maybe Ilya. He's in good shape.

No, I have a question. Does it ever happen that you do jerk off and then you're still not satisfied?

No. No, no way.

Wait, what?

What?

Yeah, like he's got to have two rounds.

Yeah, I have two rounds sometimes.

That happens?

Yes.

Right away?

No, like 5 minutes later. I'm like, fuck, I got to go again.

What?

Yeah, deadass, bro.

I swear to God, you're in the wrong business.

Yeah.

No, no, no, no.

Porn set would pay good money.

It's happened to me in the same hour.

Okay, but I'm just saying, because I feel like for girls, You can easily, like, you can be horny and have sex and still not be like, I'm still fucking horny, bro.

That makes no sense to me about girls. Like, how can I— like, you know, like when, like, it's like this stupid stigma in the world, how like when guys finish, the sex is over. Like, that's fucking crazy to me. Like, it's just like, it's crazy. What do you mean, the norm?

It's crazy.

I mean, it is the norm, but it's crazy.

It's the norm that guys just have sex and sex is over.

Yeah.

Like, they don't—

you don't, like, it's so bizarre. It's so bizarre.

You're right.

It's so bizarre, but it is the norm.

And like, most women are just like, okay, I guess it's over.

And it's also like, at last, it's all you could do. Yeah. It's also weird that like a girl can like go for like, can finish and then go again. And like, it's just weird how like the refresh rate on a girl is like so interesting. It's like, what the fuck?

Yeah, that's what's hard about an intimate relationship too, because then you're like, are you—

that's why I think you're still horny. That's why I think a guy orgasming is so much better than a girl orgasming. Like, a guy orgasm must be so much better. Like, it must feel greater because, because it takes me a while to refresh. I'm really giving. Part of my body leaves me when I—

but that's because part of your body is leaving you. For a woman, it's not. But still, I feel like an orgasm for a woman is 10 times better than a guy. First of all, because it happens 1 out of fucking 10 times. For you guys, it happens every single time.

Yeah.

And that's when you have sex and a guy finishes and the girl's done. It's like, that does nothing for me. For us, for a girl— some girls, yes. But if you have sex and you come and they don't, it's like Okay, I can like go have pasta right now, and you're like on the bed like, uh, wow, that's mad.

That's crazy. Yeah, it's fucking crazy.

So you can go have pasta right now. So even if you're not satisfied, you just turn that off? Yeah, basically.

Yeah, that's so interesting.

Yeah, you have to.

Like, what are you gonna do? Especially if it's like go out and get some random dicks or just like some random guy. Like, yeah, half, 90% of the time they're not gonna like go down on you or like do something to make you come. So then you're just like, okay, this is over.

That's the worst when someone's like, that's it.

How often does that happen?

It's happened. It definitely happened more than a handful. Yeah, definitely. That's it.

Yeah, that's so interesting. Yeah, I don't know. I guess, I don't know.

It is really weird when you think about it.

Dave, if I went right now and I had a ray gun and I went, you know what I'm saying? And you were a woman for 24 hours.

Yeah.

What do you think would happen? How would it be different?

Well, the first thing I would try is masturbating. And not just because, like, I'm a guy and I want to see a vagina, but just because I'd be genuinely curious how that works on a woman.

Right.

That's like the one thing that's like super different, right? Is like the penis.

So do you know what a vagina works?

No, we literally— we taught him like 2 months ago.

I just learned how to— I just learned things about the vagina the other day.

Yeah.

Okay.

Because You were there.

I'm just saying, because if you are so curious how a woman masturbates, that means you have not done it.

Or explain to me how vagina works. I want to hear.

No, I'd want to know how, like, how it would feel like on my insides. Yeah, like I would. No, I would want to know like what that— what the feeling of masturbating feels like. The entire— this entire conversation is I just want to see the other side of it.

I would imagine it would be an ongoing sensation that could keep going forever and ever and ever.

And okay, that's why I'm confused, because girls can just do it forever. Why don't you just sit in your room and— no, no. Oh shit, I thought that is the case though.

No, come like 10 times.

You can't, you can't.

It's like, it's tingly. I'm not explaining it. Once you do it once, it's like, it can't be immediate. It's like kind of hurts in a way.

Oh, so it's kind of like being a guy.

Oh, it's like being a guy. You guys have dicks too.

No. Yeah, I mean, for sure, because a guy, a guy like can't get hard again, but you can just like, you can like lube up and just go for it again with a girl. But a guy, like, your dick is soft. You literally physically cannot do it again.

What's the next thing you do, Dave, when I'm a girl? Yeah, put on some clothes.

I mean, I guess put on some clothes, just try on different outfits.

Um, have you ever set a timer— or not a timer, a stopwatch— for when you're having sex to like see how long you lasted?

Yes.

Yeah, you've done that, Natalie?

Like, for the guy, not for me.

Guy?

I mean, for myself. I don't like show the girl like, no, no, no.

I've kept track of time just to see like, yeah, listen, it doesn't matter.

Like, it's just like, so you can go on an hour, but it could be the most miserable hour of existence. And I think that's like the worst, like, misconception with, like, sex is like, just because you're in there for 3 hours, it's usually a bad thing if you're, if you're like in there longer and doing—

everybody I've ever been with wants it to get over really quick.

That's a different story.

But yeah, maybe that's just me.

I think there's an in-between. If it's too quick, it's never good, right? But if it's too long, I agree, it's mostly bad.

I think it's 15, 15 minutes.

Oh, 9 to 11.

Ella's agree.

9 to 11 is actually really good. I just said 15 because I didn't want to be embarrassed if I was wrong. 9 to 11 sounds really good. Yeah. Jay, what about you? I mean, 20 to 30 seconds.

There's nothing better than, like, really fast sex and then television.

Now, what about you?

And the person's like, that was good.

I would say like 20 minutes.

Whoa. What are you fucking baking cookies? That's fucking really long. It sounds like you're having sex with, like, a really buff guy.

That's a long time.

Is it?

20 minutes is a long time.

Yeah.

I mean, I would say every time it sounds like you're having sex with, like, a really muscular dude, like, probably from Orange County, like someone who knows. Yeah.

No, I don't know.

But no, like 20 minutes. That's like, that's like, guess, like a handsome guy with longer hair, maybe a beard. Yeah.

Like, no.

What?

Wait, foreplay is not included in the 20 minutes?

I would say, okay, maybe like 15 minutes.

That's so long without foreplay.

God.

Can I say that I'm really interested in, like, if there are kids who are learning about sex by listening to this podcast.

Yeah.

And what's going to happen to them?

Well, I mean, yeah, I don't know. Natalie said 20 minutes.

What do you think, fucking 7-year-olds listen to this? I mean, I think the majority of our listeners are like above the age of— I would say above the age of 17 for sure. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Jason, go follow Jason on social media. Go follow me on social medias. You know, do the whole thing. Go buy some merch.

Thank you, guys.

That's really nice.

You're the best audience in the world.

Best audience in the world.

Really appreciate it. I'm very grateful.

This audience, you guys, this audience is pretty good.

They're really nice.

Joe Rogan's audience is pretty nice too.

I'm in Joe Rogan's audience and I'm great.

So, so, so, yeah. Yeah. All right, guys, we'll see you guys later. This has been Views Podcast. My name is Jeff. Bye.