Catfishing My Friend on Facebook

What's up guys, welcome to Views, the podcast where actually today we have my sister on the podcast. Get ready.

Esther! Hello Esther!

Esther, say hi. Like a little— She said hi! She's— this is my first time, um, actually hanging out with her.

Yeah.

So it's gonna be a wild podcast. We'll see you guys soon. Roll the intro. First off, this is the Views podcast. I'm David, that's Jason. Ilya is also here. My sister Esther's here, Susie's in the back, Mike's here. I showed David Blaine a magic trick yesterday. And usually my magic tricks don't go great, but yesterday it went perfect. I took a deck of cards.

Wow.

Had him pick a card, and I told him I used to play baseball in high school, and I chucked the deck of cards over the house. And he started laughing 'cause he thought, you know, I didn't know what I was doing. And then I was like, how did you get here? And he's like, my bike. And I was like, okay, let's go around. And we walked around to his bike and the card was sitting inside his helmet. And he thought it was really impressive. Wow. It felt good. It felt good. The master of magic, a trick.

And he underestimated me, obviously, you know, as a magician and a student becoming teacher.

Yes. Yeah, that's what's happening.

Very nice.

Well, we're here with Esther.

Is that who taught you all the tricks?

Yeah.

David Blaine taught you all those tricks that you go around showing people when you make— so you made Taylor go put a 7 of diamonds in David Blaine's helmet?

They taught me one trick.

He taught you one and then inspired you?

When you— Like when a magician teaches you one trick, like it opens the door to like 10 tricks. 'Cause you learn like a way to do the trick, right? And then it's just different ways to execute the same idea, right? So yeah, so he taught me it, but you can always—

But you put the 7 of diamonds in the helmet.

Was it Taylor? I did, I threw it over the house and landed in the helmet. Esther, you're here. How old are you?

I'm 16 now.

Great. That was just for me?

Esther, I was rolling in today and I looked up your TikTok. 500,000 followers.

You have 500,000 followers on TikTok?

No, I have 400—

463.7.

You have 460,000 followers on TikTok?

Yeah.

Okay, can I ask a question? Can I ask an old person question? You know when you did that one where you were like, famous relative check? Did you start that?

No.

Oh, okay.

I actually deleted it because I felt really like bad. I didn't—

why would you delete it? My sister made a video that goes famous relative check, and then she showed a bunch of pictures of me. How many likes did it get?

I got 2.1 million likes. Yeah. And she called me, she called me afterwards and she's like, she's like, are you mad at me? And I was like, no, no, it's fine. You deleted it.

I call David all the time and after I post something, I go, are you mad at me?

I put it on private.

Why?

Because I felt stupid that like I would need to do that to get clout. It was just dumb.

Well, you already did it. It's too late.

Yeah, I know it is too late.

I put on fake boobs the other day to get clout.

Oh, could you touch them? Because no one was touching them in the video.

Yeah, Jason had fake boobs on the other day. That was, that was a lot.

They were running out of ideas, Esther.

Um, but Esther, how was school life?

It's okay. I don't know what to say.

What grade are you in?

Sophomore.

Sophomore.

Are you gonna go to college?

Yeah, I plan on going to college.

Okay, you want to do fashion, right?

Yeah.

Where do you want to go?

New York.

Yeah, it's crazy to listen to her talk and like hear her for the first time form full sentences. No, because like I just remember her when she was like 8 years old and she couldn't— like, you can't— you can't have—

you used to attack me every time I stepped into his room.

He'd be like, don't come here, right?

And we weren't really having conversations, we were just fighting. It's really— even like my little brother Toby, like, it's crazy to think that at one point they were just babies and now they're having like full conversations with you. Yeah, that's such a fucking weird concept.

It's kind of like you're a dad.

Yeah, kind of like I'm Esther's dad.

Yeah, that's what you guys are, 8 years apart.

Esther, I know you complain a lot about being my sister Right? Because you think people just use you.

It is like that.

But explain that to me.

Okay, so this is just one time. When you came for Vernon Hills Days, you know, the carnival?

Yeah, when I came for the carnival, yeah.

There was this one girl who hated me and would always call me like a slut at school.

Right.

And she came up to me with her like friends. She's like, can you please introduce us to Jeff? And I looked at her and I was like, are you kidding? And like, that's just one of the things that happened.

But does this happen often?

Yeah. Did anyone ask to meet me?

No.

So these friends do suck.

No, but they do, they do talk about you. Like in volleyball, like I remember this one girl, she came up to me, she's like, Jason, he's so old. Like, why is he hanging out with David? I'm like, I don't know.

People were talking shit about you even in high school.

So volleyball is stupid anyway. I don't even like volleyball.

So you're saying that, so being related to me sucks more than it is being fun? Like, are there any perks that come out of it or is it just?

Are there any good things that come out of being gay?

I mean, yeah, like I get to meet your friends.

Is there some resentment there that high school was hard for you and it's not for Esther?

What do you mean? No, high school was the easiest for me. Oh my God, I loved high school.

But you weren't invited to parties.

I wasn't invited to parties, but that like never bothered me. There's not one part of high school that I regret. I always say that.

Did you get high though?

Did I get high in high school?

Because I heard you did. Like one time you came home high.

Who told you that?

My mom.

She said I came home high?

She said you came home and you were like acting funny.

He came in and he started eating all the goulash. I said, 'David, what is wrong with you? This is too much goulash at 2 in the morning.' She was crying.

She was crying because I was high?

Because she was scared for you.

Remember when David—

so I, I don't know what happened—

got his bowl and he sent us pictures of it?

Wait, what happened? What happened? You first got your bowl, you were like super excited, like to smoke weed out of.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, super excited. You sent like everybody pictures.

Yeah, I remember it was blue.

Yeah, it was blue.

I was so excited. Yeah, we got Because there's this kid that like smoked weed in high school, and like we would go down to his basement, and it was like the most stoner basement ever. And I remember like right after that, I was like, I gotta get a bowl of my own. Do you do drugs? Do you smoke?

No.

You've smoked?

I've never smoked weed before.

You've never smoked?

Never.

Do you drink?

No.

You've never— there's no way you've never drank.

I can't say any of this on a podcast. No, I have.

What do you mean you can't say you drank? You could say— I'm not a cop.

No, I know, but you're snitch. You have that personality of like—

I'm a snitch? I am not a snitch at all. No, I'm not.

That's— Yeah, you did. You snitched today. You showed that movie that I made to your mom and dad, and I told you not to.

Okay, that wasn't a snitch.

That was a total snitch.

J, you got to watch this movie. Pull it up real quick.

I can't. That's just here.

Just pull it up.

Who cares?

This is the movie that you made.

It is so hard beating David from David's vlog.

Natalie, I know something else we can get hard.

Oh my God, what are you doing? Let me get my streamies. Yeah, so it's—

hold on, hold on, hold on.

It's a 5-minute video. Jason made a 5-minute— Jason asked me to leave the house. He's like, "Don't come for 2 hours." I'm like, "Great, I'm gonna get something for my blog." And he recorded an adult film. An entire adult film. Like Natalie as a porn star, me as a porn star, and like it opens with us, with everybody having sex. We can't post that anywhere.

Wait, I was gonna say, where are you planning on like fucking showing this?

Nowhere.

I don't know yet if it'll ever see the light of day, but I think it's good that it's made.

Yeah.

And we have it.

Guys, you can't see it because it's actually wildly inappropriate. It's full nudity and everything. And like one of the clips is Natalie gets stuck in the washer and then like, and then I come to help her because she's stuck and then we end up having sex. This is a 5-minute clip. It's a 5-minute video. And then, and then at one point, it's like 3 scenes. And then at one point a third porn star walks in who plays Corinna and she wants like a 3-sound. It's like, why? Jason made a full-blown porno in my house when I wasn't there. This is real. It's a full-blown porno. Why?

Because this is just for your pleasure.

I mean, I'm of like the strong belief of like, if you have a good idea, since certainly since we started working with David, like we have a good idea, like do it and good things will come out of it. Like there's a lot of things that we've done that like don't make the vlog, that it's on the podcast.

It's on the podcast. Yeah, I think you just made it to make a slap on the idea.

But no, I know, right, right.

When I saw it too, I was like, where does this go? Because I think I thought it was so funny, but I was like, where can we post this? So it'll probably be on Pornhub. Basically the video is, is older guy dressed as me, and then like, you got actors that kind of look like me and look like Natalie, and then they start having sex, and it's like, it's really, really funny.

It's good.

It was like a full-blown like penis.

No, no, you don't, you don't, you don't see penetration. It's soft, it's soft, but you see nudity.

I mean, we were gonna do, I was gonna do full, and then I, and then the last minute the actors were like, we don't really want to do full.

Okay.

And I was like, it's kind of gross, I won't do it. So we just softcore. Yeah, I just thought that was the right amount.

But yeah, basically it's a porn that he shot in my house when I wasn't home, and then he showed it us, and I was so excited because I was like, oh, he's just setting up something. I thought like he had a bit for my vlog, and then I was watching it and I thought it was hilarious, but at the same time I was like, fuck, there's nothing I can use from here.

Oh, I thought— I think you can.

How do we get into this conversation?

Susie's here on the podcast, everybody. Susie, you want to say something?

What do you think about the coronavirus? I'm just—

I don't like it at all. Well, obviously, against it.

Obviously you don't like it, but yeah, but what do you think?

I think it's overexaggerated. 100%.

Is it overexaggerated? Why the fuck are people being quarantined when they get it? That's what I'm like.

Like, I understand they don't have a vaccine We have—

David, actually, we have an expert from the CDC who's visiting us today.

Her name is Susie, and it's just all about corona.

You know, the reason why they want to get a quarantine is because it affects old people more, right?

I understand that.

Hear this out. My buddy, my roommate, got a call from the CDC at night on like a Sunday, and they're like, do you have anybody between the ages of like 3 and 19 living with you?

Hmm.

And so we like looked into it, and the reason that they called is because a person that's between 3 and 19 with like a strong immune system can pass it along to somebody that's older without showing symptoms.

Oh wow, right.

I gotta stop hanging out with David.

I'm not between 3 and 19.

You could still—

I thought you were 19.

Right, so you're saying I could have the virus and I would have no idea.

You have no idea, but you could pass it along to somebody.

And will I ever get symptoms?

No, because your body will fight it off and then you'll never be able to get it again.

Right, I could totally see that happening. Like, South by Southwest got canceled. Yeah, Ultra got canceled in Florida, like a huge music festival. And now they're planning on canceling Coachella.

What have you heard about that? David was driving yesterday and he was like, no, no, there's just no way they're not gonna cancel Coachella.

It makes no fucking sense to cancel Coachella. Listen, yeah, well, I like it now. The argument—

to hate it—

the argument with Coachella is like It's like, I don't get it. It's like, like, come at your own risk, right? Like, why would you cancel it on behalf of all the humans that are going there?

You just happen to have a really sweet house lined up that you don't want to get rid of, right?

And that's gonna cost me a lot of money because I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get a refund on this fucking house that we bought.

Dave, it's not Coachella that's canceling the concert, it's the local government that's canceling the concert, right?

And I don't understand that. Like, why? Why is that?

It's the county because it's like a health emergency.

But is it that serious? Like, is it that— like, I read somewhere, like, this could be a made-up fact, that like last year over 30,000 people died just from the flu in the US alone, right?

Right.

Like 686,000 or something like that around the world from the flu every year, right?

So like, what is this coronavirus that we're making such a big deal out of?

People make out at Coachella, stuff will spread.

Explain to me, how many times has there been something like this that's like not a big deal?

That looks— they're just being safe.

But safe for what reason? Just because—

so a bunch of old people don't die.

How do you think the world's gonna end if it ends?

A virus.

You need a virus?

Yeah, because it's like the only thing that you—

there's 3 ways it can end, right? This could be a big, big meteor or something out of outer space and that kills us. Yeah, a virus.

Yeah.

Or it could be, um, aliens. No, well, that could be one of them. I would count that as the outer space.

Okay.

Or, um, like just all of us killing each other with like nuclear warfare or just something like that.

Yeah.

What do you think it's going to be?

I don't think the world's going to end.

You don't ever think it's going to end? You're so interesting. You're, you're such a, like a, is it simpleton? What is the best way to describe it?

I'm a simpleton.

Me? Yeah.

Me. I'm a simpleton.

I don't know what simpleton means. I just use the word.

So you tell me when the world's going to end.

Well, what does simpleton mean?

Cause I just call me a simpleton and you know what a simpleton means? I used it in the way you're the simpleton then.

Oh, okay. Simpleton. I use simpleton. I've never, I've heard it and I, with context clues, I assume it means like a simple man, right?

A simpleton is, yes, someone dumb.

Like simple-minded. Like, yeah. Yeah. Not dumb. But like, but like the same way you don't believe in like religion.

Yeah.

Like is the same way you go, nothing's gonna happen. The world's just gonna keep fucking living.

Well, I think as long as I'm around, I think the world will be here.

Thank you, protector of the earth. As long as Jason's alive, we will all be safe. No, I get what you're saying, but you're very much like, you very much rule out possibilities that aren't like, that you're not used to.

Sure. I do that for my own benefit and my own sanity in my head. Because if I were to sit around and think all day, there's nuclear bombs going to get us, or a virus is going to get us, and I go crazy.

You know what Jason does? We were the other day, we were just sitting on my, on my couch and I go, we're probably all going to get coronavirus. And Jason goes, I'm not, I'm not going to get it. Because Jason does this thing where he like, I mean, it's a, it's a pretty good thing. He like manifests. You know, and he like puts it into the universe that nothing's going to happen.

If David says, uh, you're, you're sick, I go, I don't get sick.

I don't get sick.

That's what I say.

Even though he's obviously sick and he's running a fever, he's like, I don't get sick. This is just me. I'm just warm right now. What would you do? What would you do? The government goes 24 hours left, meteor is wiping out everything. What's the first thing you do?

Damn, what a great question.

Yeah. I mean, what do you do?

Chinese food.

Eat Chinese food. Who's going to be there to serve it? You think the employees are still going to be there?

I'd make it.

You think people are going to be at Panda Express just like, oh, where's chicken? Okay. We'll give you extra. Cause we're— this is our last day.

Good point.

So you can't do that.

I can make it.

Okay. You're going to spend an hour making Chinese food. You have 24 hours left.

Yeah. Okay. That'd be an hour.

I'll be honest. My kids, you won't be hungry. You won't be hungry for 24 hours left. I know what you're going to do. You're going to go hang out with your kids.

Yeah. Yeah. Go hang out with my kids. Not tell them anything's happening. Pretend like everything's normal.

Oh wow, that's the fucking saddest. When parents— like, that's like in so many different movies where like the parents are like talking to their kids, it's okay, everything's good.

Yeah, it's like the Robin Williams movie when he's in the concentration camp.

It's exactly that.

Be a clown. Yeah, I'd pretend to be a clown. Um, okay, I guess. What would you do?

What would I do? Yeah, no fucking clue. The 24 hours left, who would you hold? Well, I would— what I would do is I think I would I would take a car and I would just drive really fast. And I would just, I don't know. I can't, I don't know if I'd be reckless or if I'd be calling everybody. Part of me would be like, I don't have to call anybody because we're all dying, right? So it's not really, yeah. So it's like, we're all leaving. I'm not leaving anybody behind.

So interesting. I would call everybody. Really? Say goodbye.

Yeah. Part of me would go, whatever's happening, I'm going to see everybody else on the other side.

Oh boy. You're confident.

You don't think so?

Maybe.

I would feel like— I don't know.

You would take that risk that you'd never be able to talk to Ilya again? Right.

But here's the thing.

You wouldn't call Ilya?

Maybe he's not answering, he's just fucking ignoring my call.

I'm on the 101 going, "Woo!" No, here's the thing. There's two ways I see it. One, I call everybody. One, I don't call everybody, right? And I see him on the other side.

Yeah.

Or two, um, I don't call everybody. Like, you know, whatever the outcome is, whether I see him on the other side or I don't, it's over.

Dave, right? Yeah, Dave, it would be this. It'd be me calling you. We'd be like, dude, this is insane.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

Like, we'd be like, no way, right?

The worst part is, is like, there's— there'd be no way, like, like, for me to see Ilya. Like, that'd be it.

FaceTime him.

The best person to go out— like, the best person to be with for the end of the world would be Ilya. Like, that'd be the fucking most fun I would ever have. Yeah, but I wouldn't be able to go to him because all planes would No one would be flying, right? And everyone would be stuck in one spot.

I'd reconcile with my ex-wife.

Really?

No, you try to have sex with her one more time.

I love you. Let's make another in case we survive.

Would you try to have sex? I feel like a lot of people would just be fucking.

For sure.

No, that's, that's like a— that's, that is 100% true. That's what people do in time. It's called, um, it's called disaster sex. It's literally a thing. No, like, after—

why are there not pornos made about this?

There probably is, but like, after 9/11, Right, that was like a big thing. Like, you could look it up in The New Yorker. Like, they wrote all about it, how everyone was having like a lot of sex after 9/11. Oh wow, those days.

Yeah, disaster sex.

And like a lot of guys who like were like kind of ugly were able to like hook up with girls that they liked.

I would also feel like a lot of— there'd be a lot of crime. Like a lot of people would be getting murdered because a lot of people would be like— a lot of people would just be like getting like revenge, getting their frustration off.

I don't think people would murder other people.

Really?

Be like, it's not worth it.

It's—

I fucking— I'm just gonna enjoy myself. Yeah, but unless you're fucking crazy.

That's what I'm saying. Like, all the people that have like vendettas on people that like, I fucking— this guy fucked me over my entire life. I lost my job because of this guy.

I'm gonna go kill him before he gets killed.

Yeah, like, I want to take him out myself. I don't know.

Esther, what would you do?

I don't know. I just— I would definitely steal before I die.

What would you steal?

Like, I don't know. Like, imagine like a dog or like—

okay, what the fuck?

Esther steals an iPad, spends 3 hours setting it up. Like, what is there to steal at a time where the world's—

I don't know, like clothes or like—

To look good for who? The fucking fireball that's coming at the Earth?

I don't know, like, I like, or like do like a bunch of crazy stuff. I would just do like—

That's what it is. I think the only answers are go do crazy stuff or like, yeah, tell your deepest darkest secret to somebody, like you love them or some shit. Yeah.

Or— Oh yeah, finally go to that person and be like, I've been in love with you this whole time.

Imagine how many calls Natalie's gonna get. Natalie, at the end of the world, her phone's just buzzing. She has an auto response to everybody: I know, I know, I know.

Thank you for reaching out. There was a lot of people that were in love with me during my life.

Yeah, that is brutal. Esther, what do you think happens after you die?

I think it's like— like, have you ever played Animal Jam?

It's a game.

Okay.

I think it's a lot like Mario Kart.

No, I feel like it's like you're entering like a new like server almost. Like, like this is the world for us and this is what's normal, but like I feel like if you die and you go somewhere else, like it's like different and like that's your normal. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't think—

I mean, it makes sense.

Like, I feel like that you've probably been something else in your life.

Like, right, reincarnation.

Are you saying you get reincarnated but into— onto a different— into different— it's like a different galaxy, different universe. Yeah, right.

But this is our normal.

What do you mean?

It's called a parallel universe.

No, well, it wouldn't even be a parallel universe. She's just saying that it'd just be like— yeah, I agree. You don't— do you think there's a— do you think there's a heaven and hell?

I don't. I think that's just like a belief right now.

Well, of course it's just a belief. Yeah, but like, definitely not factual. I can't show you pictures of heaven. Are you religious? Are you religious?

We don't go to church anymore.

Right, but are you religious?

I don't know.

It doesn't matter what your family believes in. What do you believe in?

I don't know what I believe in. I don't really focus on this stuff when I'm just sitting around.

Well, at night, at night, let's say you need something. Do you pray? Do you pray? Do you talk to somebody?

If like, I feel like I'm like, okay, so you, so you'll pray, but like, I don't like, you believe in like, I talk to God like religiously.

Right, I understand.

Only when I need something, which is bad, but it's true.

No, that's how it works. That's how I used to be. I only used to pray when I needed something and I felt bad. And then when I really needed something, I used to like cry and be like, I know I only talk to you when I need something.

God, it's me, David.

I know I shouldn't be talking to you right now.

I know I called up.

But the new iPhone 5.

The new iPhone 5 is so sick. It's so freaking sick. And John and Reggie already have it. What did I do to not get it? Not have this. David, it's God.

Stop calling, please.

Why don't you ever just say hello? Whoa, whoa, whoa, look who wants something. No, I mean, yeah, you're right. Ilya, you believe in heaven?

I believe that there's one like big thing, there's one big thing, but there's no like division of— you know what I mean?

I entertain every idea about what, what the— like what is at the aftermath of all this. The only idea I don't entertain is nothing. And that's what Jason believes in. The only idea— the only— yeah, it's crazy. The only idea I don't believe in is that nothing happens after you die. I think that is crazy.

Yeah, I don't know what's up. I don't know what it is with this room, David, in this studio in Vernon Hills, but you always talk about—

right—

the afterlife. You're right.

It'd be dope when we do find out though. Like, think about that, dude.

The first thing I'm gonna do, Jason, is it might— if we ever get to heaven, I'm gonna put my nuts in your face and be like, I fucking told you. I fucking told you there's an afterlife, you motherfucker.

Really?

Yeah.

That wouldn't be a very nice thing to do in heaven.

What, you think you'll get kicked out?

Yeah, you get kicked out of heaven if you do that.

Okay, do you think heaven has rules?

Yeah.

You think heaven has rules?

I don't think it has rules, but I think it's like you, you like don't, don't want to do anything. Everything's like really nice. You wouldn't do something like that to somebody. Nuts on someone's face? Yeah, definitely not.

Well, here's the thing, if I like—

I would laugh so hard if we got to heaven, you're like, hahaha, you put your nuts on my face, and then they sent you to hell.

That's the thing, they're— because here's the thing, heaven is a very confusing place to me because like, let's say If I can't put my nuts on your face, right? Um, like then I don't have free will, which I feel like is very important, especially in a place like heaven. So like, are we just going to be wired differently where we won't even think about bad things in heaven? Like, how does it work?

Or maybe you'll put your nuts in my face and I'll think it's great and you'll love it. I love it. Yeah. And I'm like, this is the best. You were right, Dave.

Or maybe heaven is like, maybe heaven is, is different for everybody. So it's, it's a, it's, it's like a, like it's a reality constructed from what you believe in is like your type of heaven, like the energy you've put out. So like my heaven, all I'm gonna do every day is put my nuts on your face. Maybe your heaven, Jason, is you're gonna be seeing your kids. Ilya, you're gonna be running a huge business, you know what I mean? Maybe we're in heaven now, or maybe we're in hell now, but we don't know.

No, I feel like if we're like reincarnated and all that, I feel like you repeat, like you're a human again, and like you're in hell if you have like depression or like you hate your life, right?

I think that too. I always think that like, like people on Earth, like, like in my last life, like, you know, like let's say who has like the one of the best lives?

Who's like Elon Musk?

Okay, currently Elon Musk. Well, we don't know how good his like personal life is, but to us, right, he has a pretty great life. Like maybe in his last life he was a fucking tortured war veteran or something, you know what I mean? Like he really fucking got it his last life, but he was also nice and kind to everybody around him, and now he's been rewarded with a new life where he's like this huge mogul, right? And then I also think that there's people that like— so this is his heaven. And then I also think, you know, and whatever he does with that power is, you know, he can abuse it and then his next life will be— he'll be in hell, or he can re-up again in his next life, he'll be in heaven if he uses it responsibly.

That's gonna be crazy when our parents die.

Yeah, it's gonna be weird.

It's gonna be so weird. And like when our friends start dying. And then you're in the deathbed, you're like, fuck, I can't wait to see him again.

Friends dying is so weird. I saw a post the other day and it was like YouTubers I'd be very sad if they died. And like, I was one of the pictures and I was just like, that's so weird to think about that like I can just die.

I was feeling really guilty the other day. I had a whole daydream fantasy on the elliptical that you died.

And then fantasy, that usually means a good thing.

Yeah, sorry. Yeah, I don't know what it was. I was on the elliptical and I was like, I don't know if you've ever done this. Like you thought about somebody dying and then you're like, what would I do?

Right.

Like completely selfish. I became like, David's dead. And then I was thinking about, I wonder if like I would speak at the funeral. And then I was like, what would I say?

Yeah. And then you'd be like, people would think I'm really funny at the funeral. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And then you feel awful, right?

Yeah. I've definitely had thoughts. I've definitely had thoughts where like, I'm like selfish about somebody dying.

Right. Yeah, yeah, I did it the other day with David.

Who could you be possibly? Like, I don't remember.

Anybody?

Another question, what can we help you with?

Uh, I need advice on like, like parties, but like you don't go to any, so like, but like you're a fucking loser.

What's your—

what are like, like high school parties? Like, like the ones in your vlogs? I'm like, oh my God, I want to go to one of those. And then like, what do you mean the ones in my vlogs? Like they're so like, like people like jumping on tables, like they're just doesn't happen.

Yes, it doesn't exist.

It happened in high school.

Yeah, that's what sucks about it. I thought it does.

What your advice is, how do you go to better parties? My favorite is like when people, when people like tweet at me and they're like, you guys, like, my dream is to go to a David Dobrik party. And I go, what the fuck does that mean? Like, if you could, if you saw the parties I go to, I go to literally, like, I'm not saying this to brag, but I'm saying I go to hundreds of parties and All of them are ass. And then once in a blue moon, there'll be one moment that'll happen at a party. Um, so there's no such thing as a good party. It just, it literally is just being at the right place at the right time. And you're gonna, like, I, I get to go to one party once every like 6 months that there's like something good.

Do you ever come like uninvited to a party? Yeah.

Yeah. That's literally my favorite thing to do.

That's the thing. Like I have like parties and like I don't get invited so much.

Well, you can't, you can't do that at high school parties.

Why?

Because they're so small. Like, I'm talking like, I'll go on— I'll go uninvited to like an event where there's hundreds of people there, or it's like a frat party. But you can't go to like someone's house when you're uninvited because it's kind of just awkward. You get invited to parties, right?

Yeah.

So what's your problem?

I don't know.

Like, what do you mean you're not fun? Socialize.

Like, I, I don't know how to.

But I don't know, I feel like they're at an age where like we were, where we'd like fucking drive around and we'd have nothing to do.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? So I think that's our problem is like, what do we do?

But that's everybody. Like, everybody's high school is like that for the most part. It's not— David's videos make it look like a movie.

No, it's not just that. It's like when you talked about like—

Do you watch my videos?

Yeah.

Do you like my videos?

Yeah, I watch them a lot.

Wow, nice.

You're better— like, I like you better on like camera than you are in person because like you're like two different people.

Esther, for the first time ever, this is a podcast exclusive. We're gonna be giving you a gift. Oh, right on the podcast. It's a brand new iPhone for your birthday. Yeah, yeah, guys, I wish you guys could see her reaction right now. It's crazy. Just, I mean, the tears falling down her face. It's— what is it, an iPhone 11? Use it. Go, go, go get invited some more parties. You look like a loser. I'll try.

Okay, thank you.

Ilya, you went to gamble the other night?

Yes, I did. We went to gamble on roulette.

Where do you gamble around here?

Rivers Casino. It's in Rosemont. It's a pretty big casino.

Okay.

So we went to dinner and I was sitting next to John. I'm like, John, you know what would be dope? If we did $10,000.

Right.

And he's like— and everyone's freaking out, obviously, because $10,000 is a lot of money.

You're with like a bunch of people?

Yeah, I was with like probably 15 people.

Oh wow, so when you say shit like that out loud in front of 15 people, you like have to go through with it.

Right, right, right.

Because everyone's like—

Here's my problem. I didn't have $10,000 in cash with me.

Right.

So I'm fucking calling like 3, 4 different credit card companies like, I need a cash advance, I need a cash advance, and no one's giving me $10,000. Everyone's giving me like $8,000 or $5,000 or $4,000. So I'm like, fuck. I'm like, I'm either doing $10,000 or I'm not doing it at all.

Right, 100%.

And so we get there and I'm like, Mike, I think I'm just gonna do one. And Mike's like, bro, I showed up for 10.

Hmm, right.

I'm like, fuck. So I again call like 3, 4 different credit card companies. I get approved by like everybody differently, like with different amounts. Yeah, one's like 8, one's like 5. So I— it's like a fucking 3-hour process. It's not like a simple like cash advance, like you go to the ATM and they give you the money. You have to like sign up for like a card at Rivers Casino, right? And like stand in line. It's like a fucking 3-hour process.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, process to get the cash.

Yeah, cash is taking a while. What happens?

Okay, so, so the bet was $10K on black, right?

How'd you come up with the color black?

I just black every time.

Oh, okay.

I won, I won, uh, with black like 3 or 4 years ago for your birthday, right? $3 grand.

Okay, so you chose black.

I chose black, and so it's spinning and it lands on red. Yeah, long story short, I lost 10 grand.

Oh my fucking goodness.

Yeah, it was insane.

What is that?

You know what, you know what fucking sucked so much?

What?

Not losing the money, but like ruining the hype.

100%, that's the worst part all the time.

I literally felt like I wanted to throw up. Yeah, because I'm like, I'm like, this would have been the best night anyone's ever had because I would have spent that 10 grand that I won that night.

What would you have done with it if you did win? You would have just—

we would have just gone out and had like a really good time. Jay, what do you think about when you run on the treadmill?

Oh, I have like a whole— I have like a whole thing that I go through, like a whole emotional thing, like all the people in my life. And then I have like different scenes that I write out to specific songs that are in my head.

Yes.

You ever do that? Like there's a song called Jungleland by Bruce Springsteen, and I have a whole play in my mind. Of what happens.

What will go down.

Yeah.

Me too.

You do that too? What's a song that you do that to?

I don't know, it's different every time, but I don't know, I could like, I would imagine my future, like depending on what song it is, like I'd try to depict my future depending on that song.

Right. You know what I mean? Give me an example.

Like a hardcore song, like a rock song.

Yeah.

Right. And I'm like, man, I'm gonna be this fucking like business mogul, like fucking screaming at people. You know what I mean?

My, mine is a song by Bruce Springsteen where I'm racing against somebody and then I go into a tunnel and the guy hits me with a, um, a crowbar and he breaks my leg. He like really hurts my knee. And then I come out of the tunnel and people are cheering, but somehow I overtake the guy.

Yeah.

And I win the race.

It almost gets you through your run.

Yeah, it does, right? Yeah.

Because you look at the time, you're like, fuck, I've been thinking about this for like 15 minutes.

Uh-huh. Yeah, and then mix with music. It's really good. David, do you do that?

I don't run on treadmills.

Well, when you run outside.

He doesn't run outside.

Um, I stayed at Mike's today while you were at your parents'.

Oh, right, his new apartment.

And he told me that, um, he's not working anymore, that you're like the mom to the two guys that are working. Is that right?

Yeah, you know, I cook for them every night, I clean the house, I do laundry.

That's funny. Okay, so, so in one of my vlogs, I, uh, I got an apartment for— I, I signed a lease for 17 months for my friend John, Alex, and Mike. Um, Mike and Alex are here right now. What is it— what is it— what is it like living on your own for the— this is your first time living on your own, not like in a dorm room, like in an apartment. What is— what is the whole feeling? And living with your friends, I'm so jealous that you guys live together.

I mean, Alex and I lived in a fraternity for a while, so I— we kind of like already had the experience of living with a bunch of friends and—

right—

and living with each other. I mean, Alex was in my room like every day.

Right.

Um, but I don't know, it's fun.

I mean, we really don't do much. You sound really excited.

I mean, no, it's actually really fucking cool.

It's like, I was there today.

It's really great.

No, I haven't been yet.

It's so fucking nice.

We talk about, Dave and I talk about all the time. It's like the dream to like live with your friends in a town.

100%.

And like, as weird as it sounds, in Vernon Hills.

Yeah, that is a cool place to live.

Yeah, it's homey.

We're like young, so it's like nice. It's like we're still having fun, we still get to go out with each other.

How does it feel like not living with your family and still living in Vernon Hills?

I slept at their house one time.

How was it?

It was good. They like— they were like such good hosts. They like tucked me in.

Yeah, they're such good hosts.

They put on— they put on, uh, what'd you guys put on?

Oh, Planet Earth.

Planet Earth.

That's funny. Are you guys— are you guys having girls over? Mike, you're in a relationship, but is Alex like having girls over? Like, how does that work? How does it work with 3? Like, I know when I was living with like 3 roommates and like I had a girl over, like it was like we— I had to tell everyone to leave the fucking apartment.

No, I had like the second day we moved in, I had a girl over. Damn, we were just cheering him on, you know, him and not John, our other partial roommate, that, um, went like grocery shopping because it was the second day they just had to get a ton of shit. And I told him I was having a girl over, so I couldn't go. Let's go another day. And then they come in with like 60 bags of groceries and I was like mid-action, but I heard them come in and they just start yelling and like knocking on my door. I'm like, all right, you seem cool, let's like go show ourselves and help them out.

It was super awkward. I'm like, how do you know Alex? And she's like, Tinder. I'm like, oh.

How many girls have you hooked up with from Tinder, Alex?

We have a Tinder kill count on the fridge.

What is it at?

Uh, like 4? 4?

Yeah, I'm gonna say like 20.

He started off hot and slowly— he's got a girlfriend now.

You have a girlfriend?

I put it to Mike, I'm committed but I don't have a girlfriend. In like what, 7th grade, when we just had no fucking clue what we were doing with girls, um, we met these 2 girls I went to in their high school that were like really, really hot.

And her name was Megan and Heather, right?

But—

and they were like completely out of our league.

Yeah, completely out of our league.

Yeah.

And a few days later after we met them, David, like, I don't know, would you create a fake Facebook?

I don't remember this. What happened?

You probably stalked her just as much as I did to get all these pictures of her on the fake Facebook page and messaged me and told me like meet up with her like at the the mall at McDonald's.

Oh my God, I fucking did do this! Like at 2 PM.

Jesus Christ.

And so I'm like hanging out with all them at the skate park, we're all on our bikes.

Oh, you were like, I have to go to the mall.

Hey guys, I gotta go. Um, and they're like, like hyping me up and shit. And then I ride my bike all the way there and I get there and I'm like texting quote unquote Heather.

But you're really texting me.

Yeah, I'm really texting David.

No way!

And then how do I completely forget about this?

I'm walking around, I'm like waiting for like 15 minutes, and then all of a sudden I turn around and I see all of them, and it turns out they were riding behind me the whole time. And I was probably sprinting.

I was so excited. Wow, that is fucking so fucked up. Wow. I don't remember your reaction. What was that like?

I mean, I think if you did it now, it'd be hilarious, but at the time I was like, why can't I just be good with girls?

All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening.

Listening.

You guys are the reason that we can get iPhones for my sister because you guys are listening. Thanks for buying the merch. Thank you for watching the videos, all that. Go check out Jason's channel. Go check out my channel. Go check out Ilya's podcast. Ilya, what's your podcast called?

Take Notes.

It's called Take Notes. He's done a couple episodes. He's actually committed to this. He has a hard time committing to things. No, I don't.

So what the fuck are you talking about?

So I'm really impressed about this one. Go check that out. Go check out Mike and Alex. They work in a cubicle. I don't know how to promote that. But, um, but yeah, we'll see you guys later. This is the Reviews Podcast. Bye, my name's Jeff.