Asking David's Dad A Personal Question

I have an idea. It's gonna sound a little weird, but listen, swimwear for otters, right? Because you know why? Because most of the, most of the animals in the animal kingdom are either majority of the time in the water or on land, but otters are one of the only animals that likes to spend a little time on both.

Sure.

So I feel like it'd be nice to differ, like, for the otter community. I think it'd be easier to differentiate when an otter's about to go into the lake or the ocean or whatever because he'll have his bikini on. So I think I think there'll be less miscommunication.

Yeah.

Yeah. When the otter's like, yeah, where are you going? Well, I got my swim trunks on, so where do you think I'm going? I'm going along because, you know, because they do. I don't know. What do you think?

I think it's a—

what percentage of the company do you want? For how much can you offer me? This is quite literally the Shark Tank, but for otters. Okay.

It does sound like a good gag on Shark Tank.

You don't want any part of it?

I'm in. I like it. I think it's great. I think there's definitely something funny we can do with it.

I'm so fucking high. No, I'm kidding. That was an actual intro music. That was an actual pitch. But, but roll the intro music. Listen to this. Jason got a call. Jason got a call from a random person, like from, I don't know, it was a random number from like Akron, Akron, Akron, Ohio. And I picked it up because people were just calling him. And I just— I, I thought it was like somebody that watches the videos. Then I picked up and I'm— and they're like, hello, Jason? And I'm like, no, it's David. And then he's like, uh, what? And then I'm like, Jason's dead. And then I hung up.

And when he goes, Jason's dead, the guy goes—

the guy goes, oh, and bro, and bro, and bro, and we just found out that that guy wasn't a random guy, but it was Jason's Postmates.

The guy's probably like, yo, I got this shit for— I'm going to eat it myself. That guy's dead, bro.

That guy—

that's so funny.

That guy is probably shitting his fucking pants right now. We just— Jason's dead, Jason's dead, bro.

So what do you want me to do with the oatmeal? You still want it, or—

oh my Lord, that was bad. That's so funny, cuz Jason's just sex— Jason just checked his Postmates and he was like, it said got delivered 20 minutes ago, so the guy just canceled it. That's really funny. My parents are coming today.

How's that going to be? Excited?

It's going to be pretty good. I was— I don't smoke weed, but I was going to just light up right as they walk in and just fucking— my entire family's coming, my 3 siblings and my mom and dad. And I just, I just think it'd be so funny just to be smoking a joint shirtless and like something else in my hand. I don't know. Do we have— do I have a puppy? I don't have a puppy.

Something like a big grill in your mouth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big medallion on your chest.

Oh, I invited my brother over because I had a dream about him that he died. Oh, yeah. And then I texted him in the morning. I was going to say this. Have you, have you been having, like, dreams recently? Not recently, but like in the last, like, maybe, maybe for you it's been longer because maybe this happens when you're older, but like no happy dreams. There's no such thing as a dream where you're like, get me back in there. Like, oh no, no happy dreams. Yeah. All the dreams are just like, they're not like nightmares. Yeah. But they're just like problems. The problems.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh yeah. I've had a happy dream in years.

Okay, cool. Because I used to have like— Ella, have you had happy dreams?

I haven't recently. I do sometimes, I think, have happy dreams, but like, yeah, it's always like you're solving a problem or you're running away from something.

Yeah, I've never— I haven't had a happy dream in fucking maybe, maybe 4 years since I moved out here. A while. A while. And yeah, and I had a dream that my brother passed away and I was fucking crazy. Awful. Yeah, it was really scary because he was so young.

Yeah.

So, yes, he's coming over right now. I'm going to talk to him, see if everything's okay.

I told him this.

I didn't tell him. And he doesn't listen to the podcast, so I'm safe. But, but yeah, I texted him in the morning. I was like, you want to come over? And then, and then, yeah, he said he's like, sure, but I have to bring the whole family. It's family day.

Oh, he's so innocent.

And I was like, okay. So, yes, and now they're all coming over, so that'll be fun.

What are you guys going to do?

I'm sure. Protect him. Make sure no one kills him today.

How did he die in your dream?

I think he was just sick. It's really weird because it was originally Esther that died in my dream, my sister. And then later, as it, like, switched over to my brother, I don't know how, like, I made that switch. Sure. But it was like initially my sister died, and then it was my brother that died.

Yeah.

I looked up what it means. I should have shot my sister a text too, but you only care about Toby.

Just texted Toby because he's the cutest.

This is going to be a weird day, man. You're going to be like giving them cash and like being really nice and playing with them in the pool.

And it's like his last— yeah, it's like treating him like it's the last— like his last days.

Letting him drive the Tesla.

What do you want me to get you? Let's go get pizza. You want to go to the arcades? I pull out all the stops. I rent out Dave Buster's.

I feel like if you act like that, he's going to think you're dying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got to be careful. I got to be careful not to be too nice to them because then they'll know something's up. I order the Roadster, which I think is like the funniest thing. I don't know. Have we talked about this?

Yeah, this is your best joke. I told you, this is my favorite joke of yours.

Well, I just think it's, I ordered the Tesla Roadster and the car doesn't come out probably for another 2 years. It's a fucking crazy car. Like, it's like, someone tweeted at Elon once, they were like, will it be able to fly? And he's like, well, with the thrusters underneath the car, there may be a chance that you'll be able to take off. And like, he was being dead serious. Like, this car's gonna be fucking insane. And to preorder it, you had to put $5,000 down, and then to like finish your preorder, you had to pay the full price of the car. So I paid $250,000 for the full price of the car, and I paid for this like a year ago, like a full year ago. So like, and you know, the car's to come, and I'm hearing that it won't come for another, you know, 1 to 2 to 3 years. So I just think it's gonna be so funny when I'm completely fucking out of money, I'm living in like, you know, I'm living under a fucking bridge, I have nothing left, and then all of a sudden, a UPS guy comes to my door like, "Hey, you got this Roadster right here." I don't even have a place to fucking charge it anymore 'cause I'm all out of money. Like, the thing's gonna get delivered so late, but it's crazy that I already paid for it. Like, it's just like, it's crazy that I'm waiting for this gift and one day it'll just be here. Did you see the new Tesla? The new Tesla doesn't have, correct me guys, I could be wrong, but Mike Sheffer came over and he told me all this. The new Tesla, the new like updated version of the Model S and the Model X, it doesn't have the ability to switch from drive to reverse.

What do you mean?

Like, you can't— like, it doesn't have the little notch that puts the car from park to drive to reverse.

Okay, how do you do it then?

It's Elon saying with AI, it's going to be able to determine which way your car should be moving. That sounds scary. Yeah, so like, you're not even gonna have the option to do it. It'll just know that it— you have to go forward, now you have to go backward.

Okay, so I get in the car, you're in the driveway, let's say I go to Ralph's and I just bought some groceries, I'm parked in, I have to back up, what happens?

It'll go back for you.

And then what?

Listen, I'm just as confused as you are because like I understand like how the car will be able to know like to pull out of the driveway, like that makes sense, there's something in front of it, it has to go back. But like what if like you're at Ralph's, a guy, you're backing out and a guy not anywhere near you goes, wait, pull back in, pull back in for a second. Yeah. Like, then what do you do?

Yeah, I can't.

I can't.

It's new Tesla.

You have to stand behind it or something to get it to go forward. Like, what is that? Like, how's that going to work? Okay, so someone tweeted saying no gear shifter, no turn signals, no problem. And Elon responded, no more stalks. Car guesses drive direction based on what obstacles it sees. Context and navigation map. You can override on touchscreen. Okay, so yeah, so, okay, so you could still put it into reverse.

If you override it on touchscreen, what do you do?

There's no stick. Well, no, you put it on the— you can hit reverse on the touchscreen, but he's saying it's not going to be like a normally necessary thing, which is nice.

Oh my God. I don't know if I'm going to like that.

That's kind of scary.

Yeah, it's fucking terrifying. But I mean, sooner or later these cars will be able to drive by themselves completely, right?

Right. I guess.

This sounds like when Apple got rid of the home button. Everyone was like, dude, come on, you need one button. And then now when you go back to the iPhones with the button, yeah, you're like, this is the most pathetic thing ever, right? I love that. That's what I love about like people like Elon and like Steve Jobs is like the way they innovate is like so ahead of everybody's thinking. Like everybody hates them for their innovations and then a week later they come to love it. Like that's what— that's what the coolest part about like a true innovator is. What's something you've never experienced before that you'd love to?

Um, I'd love to go on the moon.

I meant sexually. Oh, unless, unless that's something I'd like. I don't want to knock your style, but if that's what you want to do. No, I mean, like, like, is there something crazy sexually that you've yet to experience? Oh, like being with a younger guy? Well, that was a weird joke for me to make.

but, no, I'm good.

I felt like a joke. If somebody was writing our lives and they wrote that, all the other writers in the room would be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's exactly what it was.

Yeah, yeah. They wouldn't do that.

They wouldn't approve that on their life. That's not what David would say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What is something you want to experience sexually?

Sexually? I think, honestly, I would just like to, like, you know, be with somebody and, You know, just have, like, regular sex.

I've never had that, bro.

I just like sex, bro. I was really like— I was really just focusing on your mouth and you're like, you know, I just really would like to just find someone. That was—

that was probably— I just want to find someone.

Damn, dude. I wanted the question to be fun, but you made it all sad. It was—

what do you want to say? I want my ass diddled.

I mean, well, do you know? Like something I would want to experience. Yeah. Wax. I've never done anything with wax. Super simple wax, but like someone pouring wax on. Like, I've had that. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Back.

Yeah. You sure?

Oh, I've definitely had it.

You sure you didn't just fall asleep in the living room and then your foot knocked over a candle and just start pouring on your back? That could have been it.

What was— what's that really sexy movie?

Angry Birds?

No.

Magic Mike. It's based on a book.

Angry Birds. It's based on a game. No, I'm in Angry Birds.

No, I know, but that's a really sexy movie.

Angry Birds, specifically the character Axel.

Dave, Angry Birds is great. It is not sexy in any way.

There's no sex appeal.

Not in Angry Birds, especially with Axel. Axel is not getting laid.

He's a security guard. He has authority. I think that's pretty sexy.

You think Axel's getting laid? Like, out of all the birds, he's getting laid?

Out of all the birds? Yeah. You think the red bird? Yeah. No, I don't think the red bird— I think the red bird gets laid the least because women maybe find it more difficult to approach him, so they just sleep with his friends.

Oh, so you think Axel's the one getting laid?

Yeah, I think he's like the low-key easy target, but it's also like he's, he's a little not the best looking bird. Yes. Right. So like, I assume when, when girls see him, they're like, oh, I can probably get him because he's not the best looking. And I think it's sexy because he works in security.

I think Axel—

oh, Axel, by the way, if you're completely new to this podcast, podcast and you've only been listening for a week.

It's my, uh, character from Angry Birds 2 2019.

It's a big hit movie. I had one line in it, but, uh, it kind of resonated with fans everywhere. Um, no, imagine though, you like, this is your first podcast of us and we're like going deep into this Axl character and they're like, and everyone's like, what? They should do that.

They should have an Axl spin-off.

Oh my dude, you just made an Axl voice. That's like when you say it's all because I'm so excited to start shooting again. Wait, that's a good idea.

You could write it right now if you want. I mean, in my mind, I think Axl's married already. Yeah. Yeah. And he's like, got some—

is it— you think Axl's like Kevin James mall cop? Yeah. Or is he like— or is he like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant? Like, has he been through shit or is he just like working the mall?

When Dave— when Dave talks, compares himself to like real sexy, like masculine guys. I'm, I'm not sure if he's kidding or not sometimes. Like, sometimes you'll compare yourself to, like, masculine, like, sexy dudes. I don't know if you're kidding or not. I think most of the time you are, but I think a couple times sometimes you are kind of serious.

Like when I go like, uh, like, I'm like Robert Downey Jr.

You know, like when I take my shirt off and I look like Matt Damon, like, you know what I mean?

Yeah. Okay. Yo, you didn't need to pick on me like this.

I think Axel's really cool. He's really funny. I think he's already married. And I think he probably has like a, a woman who like really takes care of him and watches over him.

Oh, and who's like really sweet and actually probably not just hanging out with his boys, you know.

And Axel's probably not too smart.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, no more talk about this. No more. I'm done.

We were talking about parenting the other day and like how like, like you can't like hide stuff from your kids. Yeah, you know, like, like, um, when I was, when I was young, when I was maybe like 11, 11, my 11 o'clock? I almost said 11 o'clock.

How does this happen with humans? I just realized this. Thank God. I was totally spacing out.

Yeah.

Not really listening to anything you were saying. No, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. Not listening to anything you were saying 'cause I was on my phone.

You do that the best.

No, listen, I'm sorry. Yeah. And then you said— You're so good. This is so weird. Okay. And I was on my phone and I feel bad that I was spacing out, but I was. I couldn't tell you what you were talking about, but the second I heard you say, '11 o'clock' instead of '11 years old,' I knew there was something wrong. How is that? Because that happens with people a lot. Like, you'll be spacing out and then you'll catch the part where they get wrong. Yeah. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, yeah, I know, because I saw it on your face.

You were concerned. Yeah, like, I wasn't— no, like, I wasn't listening to any of the words, but then I heard that there was something wrong in the sentence. Like, I couldn't tell you what the sentence was.

I think it's just because you're subconsciously— you kind of hear, but you're like, your brain doesn't hear, and then you're like, wait, wait, Jason.

Yeah, when Jason made a weird stutter and a mistake, my brain was like, time to pick at him.

What was weird is I didn't say 11 o'clock, but you picked it out of my brain.

Yeah, because he said 11.

I went, I went 11 up like that.

It sounded like you're about to say 11 o'clock, but then you said it. You know what, you think I just read your mind?

Sometimes I, sometimes I think you do read my mind.

Think of an animal, right? 1, 2, 3.

Giraffe. Hippopotamus. Think of an animal. 1, 2, 3.

Shark. Shark. Oh, the other day I was coming home and Ilya calls me and he goes, yo, on your way home, can you pick up some bagels for me? And, um, and I go like, what are you talking about, bro? Just fucking order them, like get Postmates. Like, I'm not gonna pick them up. And he goes, dude, I know, but I would just really appreciate if you went and you picked up— were you high? If you, if you picked up these bagels for me. Wow. And I was like, and I was like, I'm with Taylor, maybe I could just send Taylor to go get them. And he's like, he's like, I want— I, I know I can order them, I know I can get them, but I want you to bring them. And I'm like, not fucking doing that. Like, when would I ever pick up fucking—

I When have you ever been to Ralph's?

You guys have the kind of relationship I've never seen.

Yeah, I haven't been—

like, I've never seen it.

No, listen, I haven't been to a grocery store in a while, and I'm just like, I'm not gonna fucking stop and whatever.

What was it? Why did you want him to do that?

It was just like a thing. It was like a thing.

Yeah, I was like, look, that'd be nice.

Yeah, it'd be nice if you could just do it for me because I do it for him, you know? Oh, that's what he said too. He's like, he's like, he's like, I do it for you. And I go, well, that's why we're so great together, because there are some things that I wouldn't do for you and you do for me and the opposites attract, right? And yeah, he used that. And then I'm driving on my way back home and I'm right by a Ralph's and I'm like, fuck, it is going to be fucking funny to see his reaction if I pick up these bagels for him. So I went and I bought the bagels and, um, and I got back and I made an Insta story. I was like, guys, I'm about to record his reaction because I know this reaction is going to be crazier than, than if I got him a car. And I walked in with the bagels and Elliot just goes, It was the funniest fucking—

it was like, it's really funny because like the image in my head of David standing in line at Ralph's with bagels.

Oh my God. And it was so funny because I stood behind—

did you do self-checkout or did you go see somebody?

There wasn't self-checkout and there was only one open. And when I walked in, I was like, oh good, this is fine. And, but when I was, when I came back with the bagels, there was a woman checking out with two carts in front of me and it was not moving. And I was just sitting there with these two bagels. I was just like, I don't know.

You had to wait for her to go through with that, those two carts, to get the bagels.

Listen, we're really making this dramatic, like, like I had this, like, like I went to war for these bagels.

Oh no, no, no, no, I'll tell you. No, I'll tell you, if me, if I had two carts in front of me and, and the automatic lane wasn't open, I dropped those fucking bagels and I walk out. Yeah, bro, I wouldn't have done it. I wouldn't have saw it. You gotta commit. He pulled through. I'm paying you credit. I'm saying like, he pulled through, he committed.

I'm saying you committed. Getting angry at me?

No, I'm not getting angry.

No.

Did you just tell that entire story while eating Doritos?

Yeah. Did you really? Yeah.

Oh, I wonder how that will sound.

It's just like—

Are you one of these guys that would want a sex robot?

No, no, no, not a sex robot.

He was just talking about that.

Not a sex robot. A fucking— like a real robot. Like a friend. Like. Like a robot.

A friend?

No, no, no.

We're your friends.

I'm just into, like, robots and stuff. Like, I can't wait for the future. To like create fucking robots that like walk next to you and stuff.

Why don't you just get a monkey?

It'd be funny if you got a robot and then the robot started to fucking make fun of you all the time, right? Like he gets the robot as a friend.

I'm doing the podcast with you and I'm like, wait, what did you just say? You're still eating Doritos?

Yeah, wait, what? I'm saying it'd be funny if he got like a robot and it was his friend, but the robot just fucking made fun of him all the time, just started to hurt his feelings.

The robot's name is David.

You have—

you fat fuck, you have to lose You fat fuck. You have to lose weight.

Ilya, can you get on that? Otter Swimwear? I'll talk to a couple of people.

Oh, you're pitching Ilya on Otter Swimwear now?

Yeah.

Imagine, imagine 4 years from now, Ilya and I haven't spoken, and just all of a sudden I see Otter Swimwear and it's just fucking blowing up and like making millions of dollars. And I'm just like, are you fucking kidding me?

Yeah, it is pretty good.

Really good.

Is it like— is it swimwear for otters?

Yes.

That's a fucking genius idea.

Why do you think that? Okay, hold on a second.

Why did you go to— you go to the beach and otters always naked.

That's a good point. I didn't even think of nudity.

So you put— otters can be in movies that are PG-13 because they'll be covered.

Yeah, they'll be covered. And not only that, but like, you want to see an otter. Well, how would you know if the otter likes what they're wearing?

What?

Well, wait, Griffin Designs, the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Anybody think I learned watching The Octopus Teacher? That the animals are pretty happy as they are.

We all look at Jonah, right? You guys all look at me like, I guess, yeah.

Jonah's like, Jonah's like, I'm not an otter. We all looked at Jonah when we were talking about animals like Jonah, like Jonah, like Jonah had a response for the animal community.

Well, he kind of came up with it. He kind of came on there like the otters when he liked your idea.

Yeah, you're right. You're right. I think it's a cool idea. Thanks, man.

To put clothes on otters.

Yeah, we should make this a spinoff.

Just talking about otters. Yeah, just us 4 dudes just talking about it. What should it be called? The Otters. The Otter Guys. The Otter Guys. That's really good.

You need to make Otter Banks. Otter Banks with otters in sexy swimwear.

That's the otter. That's the otter universe. We don't want to get into that, dude. That's cool. Crazy. The otter guys. I was thinking about getting a dog. Yeah, either a Labradoodle or a Chinese mountain burrow dog.

I've never, I've never heard of a Chinese mountain burrow dog. What are those?

I think I can buy a couple dogs.

Oh, you mean a Bernese mountain dog?

Yes.

Yes.

Bernese. Oh, okay. Bernese python. Wait, what is that thing called?

A Bernese mountain dog.

My, my, uh, yes. I think they're really cute.

Yeah, they're really cute. My sister has a Newfoundland. They're about the same size.

A Newfoundland.

Yeah. Where are you fucking with me? Newfoundland?

Yeah. From the actual country? Yeah.

I mean, I suppose that's where they originated.

Wow.

I don't know. But Newfies, they call them.

I have a Slovak wiener. Yeah, I do. I'm not referring to my dog.

You won't get a dog.

Can you please put that in your bio?

Dude, I have a theory that Slovaks have huge cocks.

Dude, my dad's coming by. Why don't you ask him? Should I? Should I? No, no, it's too late. Too weird, bro.

Dude, imagine your dad shows me his cock.

No, that's actually pretty funny if we have him on the podcast and Jonah goes, okay, so we don't want— like, we don't talk about anything like family related to me, it's just about my dad's penis. All right, that's kind of funny.

Go ahead, Jonah, what do you want to know? David says you have something to ask me.

I'm like, okay, Mr. Dobrik.

Yeah, let's see what he actually say.

Is your cock— oh, oh, Jonah, it's, uh, it's good size, you know, normal.

Why would you ask?

No, that's not what he'd do. What'd he do? He'd get really awkward. I think Jonah has to ask him.

No, ask him in private.

Jonah, if my dad was here and you had to work in asking how big his penis is, how would you do it?

It'd be really funny if it was like super nonchalant, like we're all having pizza or whatever, and then I'm like, oh, can you pass me the pepperoni? How big is your cock? And then like, like, like, it was like, like, just like out of the blue.

Excuse me?

Yeah, I don't know.

Pass me the ranch.

No, but what'd you say before that?

The blue cheese?

That's what I thought you said.

How big's your cock? Can I have the wings? All right guys, my parents are gonna be here any second. I'm gonna have my dad on the podcast and I'm gonna have Jonah ask him the question. Oh my God, that's gonna be really, really fun. Okay, next thing you're gonna hear is my dad. He's gonna ask how big his cock is?

Yeah.

That's my dad, bro.

Like, if it gets really weird, can one of you guys save me so your dad doesn't hate me forever?

Bro, I just imagined Jonah doing it and all three of us going, whoa, what the fuck, Jonah, that's David's dad! That's how I imagined it. My dad's here. Okay, Jonah, what would you want to ask him? And look him in the fucking eyes, man.

I don't know how to look him in the eyes and ask him, how big is your penis?

Oh shit. Okay. Ah, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it. Wait, wait, we just want to get your initial reaction. We don't want an answer. I'm so sorry for that.

I have to answer it, but how do you guess?

Oh my God, your son got in my brain. I'm sorry, he's been doing this for 4 years.

Jonah, how do you feel? I'm so nervous I'm going to throw up.

I can't even look at your dad, he's sitting like 2 feet away from me.

Before you came in, there was this big long windup that when you got in here, somehow Jonah was going to ask you how big your penis was.

We were gonna like— initially it was gonna be like, oh, can you pass me the pizza? How big is your penis? Oh, can you pass me the wings? How big is your penis? Like, until you like caught on and like you're like, wait, what the fuck? He's asking me how big my penis is. Uh, dude, they— we shouldn't have these conversations with parents.

Funny stuff, guys. Funny. Jay, you seeing all this hoopla about GameStop?

No, what's going on?

Well, we're recording this a little earlier, so the numbers could be completely off, but as of the moment we're recording this one segment about GameStop, um, so it basically— what happened is the stock was kind of coasting at like $16 to $19 for like whatever the last couple months, and then people on Reddit decided like, hey, wouldn't it be funny or fun if we like all bought GameStop and we drove up the price and we made it like a popular stock? Because GameStop, you know, it's not like a fucking boom in store. So they drove it up to from like $19 in like a day to like $90. What? In one day. And then everybody was like, you gotta buy GameStop, you gotta buy GameStop, it's fucking killing it. And then today it went up from like $90 to like $150. And then right after the market closed, which was today, it went up to $209. So it currently sits at $209 right now. Wow, isn't that fucking insane? Like $209, it was, it was at like $12 a little while ago, and my manager Jack texted me that some guy had $50,000 worth of it. Yeah, like before. Yeah, before he— when it was like $12 or $14. Now it's worth $15 million. What? Oh my god. Saying it's just like fucking winning the lottery. Like, it's like the craziest fucking thing. Bed Bath Beyond, that's another one. They're just picking random like stocks to like really amp up. Yeah, and we're missing— it's fucking pissing me off, bro. I'm getting so angry because I hate stocks. I'm so bad at it.

Let's do it for Squarespace. They help us out.

I think for this podcast tomorrow morning— right now it is January 26th, we're recording the podcast really early, we just posted our last podcast— tomorrow morning I will buy $50,000 worth of GameStop stock. Oh my God, really? Yeah, and we could see and we can follow it. I want to do it too. And you, you'll know how much— you'll know how much money I made in this pod in about 10 seconds. I want to do it in 10 seconds. You'll know how much money I have made or lost. How fun is that?

We— I want to do it too.

You also want to put $50,000 in?

Not that much.

All right, how much you want to put in? I'll put in $10,000. Okay, $10,000. Yeah, to GameStop.

Oh my God, if you make like $15 million, I'll be so pissed.

No, it's not possible.

It's not possible.

It's not possible. Not anymore. But like, yeah, okay, so I'm gonna put in $50,000.

Why don't you pick a new one?

Because it hasn't—

GameStop kind of run its course already.

That's what you think, but then how about— people said about Tesla when it was at like $400, they're like, oh, it's done.

Okay, well, Tesla was like an innovative brand new company. That Tesla, man, that's tough, man. I'm sorry that happened to you.

I'm gonna put $50 Why didn't you just keep it in there? Because just crazy.

Tesla's your favorite brand.

No, I know.

I remember you were like, you were sweating it, right?

Because everybody around me fucking panics about that shit. They talked me out of it. My fucking banker would call me every 10 minutes to be like, bro, this is a bad idea, don't do this. And then shut the fuck up, I love the car. Did you see the way my doors open?

Like, and they—

no one would listen to me, and it just got in my fucking head. And I was there, and I remember when I had all the Tesla stock, I was like I was at one of the things Elon was launching and I know his assistant and I was like, I just bought $1 million worth of stock. And she's like, that's a really good idea. Like, she's the only person that didn't call me crazy. She's like, that's a really good idea. Stick with us and you're gonna be really happy about that. She told me that. And that was, that was 2, 3 years ago. And now here I am fucking with my dick in my hand. Could have been $35 million.

I hope I can say that to somebody about Dispo one day.

Okay, it's been 5 days since we last talked about stocks. Jay, are you ready to hear how much I made?

I am so ready. I mean, I can't wait.

I've been keeping this secret from Jay. Yep. So remember we talked about it 4 days ago on the podcast? It was like 20 seconds ago. Yeah, we talked about how much I could make by investing in GameStop and Amazon. Yeah, um, and I finally did. Do you know how much I made so far? Um, take a guess, just take a guess.

Okay, it sounds like you did well.

Sure.

Okay, I'll take a guess. Yeah, you made $60,000. Okay, so, so far, yeah, I haven't like pulled out yet, but so far I never put the money in.

So far I've lost $85,000. Shit, it's so bad. On AMC, on GameStop, that doesn't— that doesn't—

no one goes to anymore.

It doesn't exist.

The movie theater company. The movie theater company. Yeah, I fucked up, which people don't go to movies anymore.

I fucked up. I fucked up, bro. I fucked up. I'm so bad at stocks. I'm so fucking bad at this shit. And I'm sorry, Dave. It's fine. I knew I saw it coming. I fucking saw it.

You know how I would have known? How? I would have turned on HBO Max and seen that the new Denzel Washington movie is available on HBO Max and not in AMC and not at the Grove.

Well, there's this— there's this saying that it's buy on the rumor and sell on the news. And I bought on the news. You know, like you're supposed to— you're supposed to buy when people go, hey, did you hear? AMC tomorrow may take off. That's when you buy. But I bought when AMC in the news makes people millions of dollars, and I go, millions of dollars? You made how much last week? Count me in. And then I bought. And, um, yeah, I fucking— I've so far I've lost $85,000. I'm holding it out. And here's the thing, I, I do like every year I do majority, more than majority of my money is tied up in the stock market. Like my— there's— I have financial advisors that do that. But this time I decided, hey, I'm going to take matters into my own hand. So I called my financial advisor. I was like, take, take some money out of there. I'm going to do it myself. And every time I do the stocks myself, I lose money, like on Tesla. And now, and now this. They must love that. Someone tweeted, someone tweeted. They were like, because, you know, Dogecoin was popping off and they're like, everybody sell your Dogecoin when David Dobrik tweets about it because he bought— because he sold his Tesla at $300 and he bought AMC at $20 because I'm so bad. I'm so bad at knowing when to buy stuff. Everyone's like, yo, when David Dobrik thinks Dogecoin is cool, that's when everybody should be selling because it's about to fucking hit the fan.

I was with Heath when Dogecoin was all the way up to like 0.8. Yeah. And everybody was like, holy shit, guess what, guess what?

I didn't even tell you about my Dogecoin experience. Um, so I got on, uh, so I saw it at 0.2. Yeah. First of all, Corinna's been fucking calling me about it nonstop, like when it was at like 0.0002, like it was like Way less than a penny. Yeah, Jonah, I went back to my text messages. Jonah texted me about it a year ago. He's like, yo, you should get on Dogecoin. I'm like, go fuck yourself. Um, and, and I saw when I was at 0.2, so it's at 2 cents, and I'm like, we gotta buy one right now. We gotta buy some right now. Let's go, like, put 30 grand in for me or whatever, put 100 grand in for me. And, um, and I couldn't get— and I don't have any ways to— I don't have any apps that trade Dogecoin. Yeah, all I have is Coinbase and they don't trade Dogecoin. And I don't have like Robinhood and shit because everyone— like, my stocks like my accountant handles that, so I don't even have access to it. It was at 0.2, and then it got up to 0.8 when I finally figured out how to put money into the account because I used Ella's dad's money. I— Ella's dad had money in Robinhood, and I was like, just tell your dad I'll pay you, pay him back. And he was like, fine. So I used $8,000 and I put it at 0.8, and fucking moments later Dogecoin got a little sniff that David Dobrik entered the game and fucking plummeted. Like, just fucking so, bro, I'm so bad at stocks. I fucking hate stocks. It is not my game. That's not why I was put on this earth to do it. And I only like doing it because I like gambling. And like, that's like my favorite thing to do is like going to the casino. It's like I'll be, I'll be at home and I'll be like, should I get myself like a steak today? And it's like a $60 steak. And I'll be like, I don't know if I can do this, but, but like, and I fucking go through this whole thing and I like talk myself out of the steak. I'm an idiot when it comes to this kind of shit. I'm an idiot. It is not my trait. It is not my strength. I don't know why I do it. Um, I need to go see somebody, Jay.

What about GameStop?

Did you make any on that? Yes, you won't believe this, I made $1,400. Okay, okay, that's pretty good. How much did you put in though? I put in $50 grand at GameStop and I just pulled out right away. I was like, this isn't my thing, I prefer the movies. So, um, but no, the movies fucking hate me apparently. But whatever it is, I had fun. And, and the way I looked at— look at it is like, hey, this will be a podcast story. But The slaughter isn't over yet, Jay. I've just lost, you know, a little over $80K, but I think it's still coming. I think there's a beating coming. You think there's more coming?

Oh yeah. I know a fax machine company that just went public. I want to get in on it.

Yeah, that'd be amazing. Anything, anything. Even landlines. Are there any landlines that are picking up? I'd love to invest in landlines.

Yeah, we're all going to be unemployed.

Whoa. Yeah, bro. Because I fucking like—

Listen, listen, we'll get a sequel to Angry Birds going. That'll put people back in the theaters.

The stock will go up.

That's what I'm saying.

That illegal? No, it's not on. Okay, I'm going to— Yeah, guys, it's not on. Oh, it's— oh, it's not doing so well. Oh, it's not on. Nope. Guess what I found out this morning? Oh, gosh. I'm nominated for a Kids' Choice Award. Oh, fun. What are you nominated for? Biggest favorite male social star. Guys, go vote for me, please.

Yeah, David really needs this one.

Pick him back up. God damn it. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. I love being here with Jason and talking about how much money I'm losing. It's the best. Um, no, but go check out our merch, go check out our other socials, and we'll see you guys soon. All right, my name's Jeff.