Almost Getting Kicked Out Of High School

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I are the only thing up and running during this quarantine.

There's a lot of stuff going on actually.

We are essential workers, we're the first responders.

You just have two assistants who get everything for you.

We should start this podcast and just say like the most amount of things to get us canceled. We are more important than doctors and nurses and we realize that. That's why we try to get this podcast out as quick as possible.

Saving lives one joke at a time.

No, we're kidding. Just to be clear, just to be clear, we're kidding. Those were jokes. All right, roll that music. Hey guys, it's the Views Podcast. I'm David, 23. Jason, 46, 47 soon, right?

Yeah, I'll be 47 in 10 days.

Oh my God. I'm going to change the fucking intro to the podcast.

Yeah.

You're going to have to print me a new script.

I know.

David, 23. Jason, 47.

Really? Yeah.

It says 43. Oh yeah. Time goes on like that, man.

That is crazy.

I don't know if you know. How do you feel as a young man about time? Have you had any interesting thoughts lately?

What do you mean about time?

Well, like the other day, the other day I was like thinking about like Todd and you and, and Jeff. And I was like imagining what I thought when I was your age and how they would like— what goes through your mind. And then I don't think like that anymore, so I was trying to receive.

That depends what goes through your mind. I think time flies for sure. And like looking at you, I know time flies. Yeah, like there's something about like how youthful you are but how old you are that I was like, wow, time must have flew for him because I feel like your maturity hasn't caught up with your age. So that's how that— you are the proof that time goes by.

Reason for my divorce. Yes, David, wait rub it in. No, but when I was 28, I looked at things a lot differently. Like, I was probably a lot more hopeful. I was probably— but now I'm kind of just like, oh, totally. Yeah, put a bullet in me.

Yeah, you know, I mean, listen, if I was in your shoes, I'd feel the same way. A lot of hope in the beginning, that's a whole lot of desperation at the bottom. Hey, you want to know a funny story? Yeah, you actually kind of know about it, but, um, a couple months ago I was driving my— I, I posted an Instagram story about this and a TikTok, but I just found it so interesting. A couple of days, a couple of months ago, I was driving in my car. Yeah. And these two girls ran out to my car and they're like, we love your videos. And it was like at a red light. So I was like, hi, how are you guys? And my car was full of like all our friends. We were packed to the brim. And then as those two girls were about to leave, another guy walked up and he goes, hey dude, I love your videos. I have a show coming out soon. And like, and I was like, hell yeah. And he was like, yeah, it's on Netflix. You should check it out. And I was like, okay, I will. And he's like, yeah, it's in like 4 months. I was like, okay, got it. He's like, you promise? I'm like, I promise I'll check it out. And then I drove away. And were you in that car, Jay?

I don't remember. I remember someone coming up and telling me.

I think I think Todd was in the car. Corona was in the car. And I remember driving away. I think Zane even made a joke like, imagine that kid becomes like the new Brad Pitt or something like that. And then, and then fast forward a couple of months later, I get a, I get a DM from this guy named Chase. And it turns out that he's the lead in the new, new Netflix hit Outer Banks, which is like a huge show. And he tweeted at me and he's like, hey, are you going to keep your promise and watch the show? Yeah, that's so crazy. You mean— yeah, I just started watching it.

I watched the whole thing.

Oh, is it good?

I watched it with the kids.

Yeah. Oh, you watched the whole thing?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, it's really good.

You kept my promise.

Yeah, I was just— the kids and I had nothing to watch and it was number one on Netflix and I showed it to Charlie and I was like, just dying to have any kind of connection with her. So you want to try this show? Hey, man, you don't have to put your own spice of I told you, I'm 47 and I want you to put a bullet in me. Um, no, and yeah, then she's like, this is the best show ever made. She's like, I have to call all my friends. And, uh, yeah, it's great. It's a lot of fun.

I have a funny story.

Go ahead.

So there's this kid in my school— there was, I don't go to school anymore. Imagine if we did podcasts when I was in high school. Yeah, I'm in 7th grade. Okay. There was a kid in my school, my friend's name is Tyler Small, and there's this other kid who would pull pranks on the kids in the school. Yeah, normally he'd pull good pranks, but this time he called the school and he told the school that Tyler brought a weapon to school and he was going to kill people.

Oh boy.

So, so the mark on that one. Yeah, so the dean comes into the room and the dean goes, Tyler Small, we need to talk to you. Someone's saying that you brought weapons to school and you want to kill people. And then my teacher, Mr. Killinger— you know Mr. Killinger— vouches for Tyler and he goes, no, No, no, no, Tyler's not that type of student. He would never do that. And then the deans go, okay, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna search his car just to be safe.

Yeah.

And then we're gonna get on with this. And Tyler's like, okay, great. Killinger's like, you have nothing to worry about. And then the police and the dean search his car and they come back and they go, we found a tactical weapon and a list of names in his car.

What?

Yeah. And the tactical, The tactical weapon was a flashlight. And the list of names, it said bus driver, Mike Hines, Mr. Killinger. It said a list of names and Tyler goes, "Oh my God, that's the list of cookies I had to pass out." His mom gave him cookies 'cause it was the end of the school year and he had to pass it out to all these people.

And later you're passing out these deadly cookies.

And he had a full-on list of all these people that he had to go give it to. That's so fucking funny. That's crazy.

Did the kid get in trouble?

No, I mean, I think he explained himself and I'm sure—

but what about the kid who made the call?

I don't think— no, I don't think— I think the kid called anonymously.

Oh, they didn't trace his call or anything. Yeah. Jack sent me— I heard you're on another Zoom call yesterday with a college.

Oh, fuck.

Jack sent me an Instagram story of you saying one of your other famous quotes that we've told you not to repeat.

I know, I know, I know, I know. I fucked up. I fucked up. This girl, Someone asked me about like, how do you wake up motivated every day? Yeah. And I was— and I always say this, and I hate that I say it. I go, listen, if I was a kid and I saw the life I'm living now, I would literally murder people to be in the position I am today. And I said that on the Kyle's thing, and I remember Natalie and Ilya were like, no, no, no, shut up, shut the fuck up. Yeah, I gotta stop saying that because it comes off really aggressive. And I wouldn't actually murder anybody to be where I'm at today. I'm just very—

some people go, wow, he really loves making content.

Look how passionate he is. He really loves videos.

He's really good.

And then this other girl, and then Ilya got so pissed at me because the last question of that— of that— so I do these Zoom calls with colleges where like students will ask me questions.

Yeah.

And the last question was, um, how do you like— how do you not doubt yourself? And I was like, I think it's important to doubt yourself, you know, under-promise, over-deliver. Like, I think it's important, like I always love doubting myself because then I surprise myself at the end. And I went into this whole thing about how it's important to doubt yourself, and we hung up and Ilya was like, "Bro, you can't fucking go around telling people to doubt themselves. That makes no sense." So maybe I'm not the best at these college engagements, but I do have fun. I play Call of Duty, Jason.

Yes, sir.

And like, so you can hear me. Can you hear me? Yeah, I'm listening. Doesn't look like he's listening, right?

I'm completely listening. I play Call of Duty. Jason, are you listening?

Jason, are you listening? So I play Call of Duty and I wear a headset where I talk to my friends and no one can— no one can hear my conversation. Like, in the— like, so Natalie can't hear what I'm saying to my friends. Only my friends on my headset can hear. And sometimes I like crack jokes to my friends, but my friends like won't find it funny or they won't laugh on the headset. Yeah, but I don't want to sound like I'm not I'm not a lot of fun on the headset, so I'll add extra lines so if Natalie's accidentally listening, she thinks that my friends are laughing. So I'll be like, "Mike, that's why you shouldn't go into the blue houses, right?" And he won't laugh, and I'll be like, "That's what I'm saying." I mean, it's like that. Just in case. So if Natalie's listening, she doesn't think that all my jokes are not hitting. That's a little confession I have when I play Call of Duty. It's kind of weird, but I'm getting through it. Can you give Nat a mic, guys?

This morning I went over to Zane's to work out, and I was in my car doing a Cameo, and then all of a sudden somebody like knocked on my window, and they were like, hey, look at me, I got my scooter, I got my scooter, and I'm going for a ride, like that. And I was really groggy because I hadn't woken up yet, and I'm looking at this girl and I go, Natalie, is that you? Like, she was in such a good mood and it was so foreign to me. Like, I couldn't process it because I don't know what you've done to her.

Why do you think she was in a good mood?

Because it was the morning time. Always in such a good mood.

You're never in a good mood in the morning time.

Yes, I am, David. You are the one that fucking kills my mood in the morning.

Well, this is what I think happens. I think Natalie is a fun-loving, really happy person, and then you just fucking light it on fire and ruin her.

I compared Natalie yesterday to a tub of mayo. And Ilya got so mad at me afterwards. He went, bro, you cannot be comparing Natalie to tubs of mayo.

Yeah.

And today Natalie and I like got into a little bit of a fight, and I turned to Ilya and I go, fucking tub of mayo. Ilya looks at me and goes, no.

Oh my God, that's so rude.

Yeah, it's really funny because They sent us a big tub of mayo for the SpongeBob shoot, and I don't know, I was like, what reminds you of Natalie? I don't know why I said it. It made more sense in the moment.

But we did a college Q&A, virtual Q&A the other day.

Yes.

And David, like, first of all, there's like a meet and greet that happens beforehand, a virtual one for 15 minutes.

Yeah.

And David is somehow like 6 minutes late to this 15-minute virtual meet for a virtual Q&A.

I didn't know where I was. I got lost. I thought it was in the studio we were recording, but it was in the living room.

How are you late? You're not anywhere, you have nothing to do all day.

I wanted to be fashionably late.

Oh, was that what it was?

Anyway, so then we finally— we got on, we loaded the Zoom, and like, it was just such like a jumble of miscommunication.

Yeah, shit show.

And David's like, what am I doing here?

What?

Who are you? Are these the students? Are you all here? What? Who is this? And I was like, this is the meet-and-greet. They all just want to say hi. So that was how it started. And then we got into the actual Q&A, and I think every possible, like, red flag thing that you shouldn't say to a public audience. Yeah, it was said.

Not one of them already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's funny. I remember this girl, I was giving her a tour on my house and I go, oh yeah, this thing looks like a dildo.

And then I was like, not dildo. And he's like, butt plug. No, not that either.

Who cares? I was like, literally, they're college kids. What's the big deal?

But like I said, I would murder all of you to be here. To be here.

Why is that a big deal? Why is it— why can't I talk about butt plugs and dildos to college kids? Because I should be able to talk about, like, everything.

Right.

Yeah.

Hypothetically, yeah, you should be able to, but the administration doesn't want you doing that. So that's what you're getting paid to not say.

Did you set up a little green room for him before in his bathroom or anything like that?

That's where he got lost. He got stuck in the green room on the toilet.

Did people applaud when you came out?

The charcuterie was amazing.

Charcuterie? You don't fucking even know what charcuterie is.

Yeah, I know.

I read that somewhere yesterday.

What's charcuterie?

What's charcuterie? Yeah, it's like a cute shark. Charcuterie is a plate with Salami, pastrami, and all kinds of things like that.

Things like that.

No pastrami.

No pastrami. Cheese. Hey, Jay, I got a question for you. Yeah, fire away. Would you give up this life to save me?

Sure.

If I told you you had to live on the street?

Live on the street?

Forever.

To save your life?

To save my life.

Sure.

Really? Yeah. Damn, that's sick.

It would suck.

Thank you, Jay.

Well, if you saved his life, he would, you know, be the same person.

No, no, it doesn't work like that. It doesn't work like that.

Then save yours in turn.

No, no, no, no, no. If he saves my life, it's like a— it's like a genie type of thing.

It's a one-sided thing where only you can win in that situation, right?

Oh, there she goes, Natalie. Jesus. Even a hypothetical situation, you got— you got to turn your fucking attitude on for it. Todd, how do you deal with this? Todd, if you're listening to this podcast, Please explain to me how you deal with this woman. Now, do you ever think that maybe you're the issue?

Obviously not. I have no other issues with other people in my life.

That's because people don't know you well enough.

I don't think that's true. I think— I don't think that's—

you do put up a guard. I will say that. I wish I knew you better. No, David, I know 100%, 110%.

I know Natalie 130%, and I regret 80% of that. I wish I knew her.

I'm just saying, no one's even listening to you. What are you saying? You're talking shit over there.

We have 1.2 million listeners on this podcast. I doubt that they muted me for that section. Joe Jonas has invited us to our third Zoom game night tonight. Really serious. And we have to wear blue.

What are those things?

Fun. We've done one and it was beer pong.

Beer pong virtually is a little challenging.

Virtually is challenging.

That was the problem. It took us like 30 minutes to figure out how we are going to even play.

I went to a Zoom party last week and I really liked it. I did. I— you don't have to leave your house, and you can like kind of sit there and talk if you want. If you want to fucking tune out, look at your phone, that's fine too. Go to your own fridge, get your own snacks.

Yeah, perfect, man. That seems like a definitely an older person thing.

Yeah, you're an agent.

Is it a middle-age crisis? What is it called?

Midlife crisis.

Life crisis.

Getting better.

I don't even know what it is. I learned a new word yesterday.

What was it?

Return.

Return?

Yeah, it's when you give something back.

When have you ever returned something?

I don't know what I learned the other day, but I did learn a word recently.

Dave, when are you gonna fall in love?

What's the deal?

Oh God.

Oh, soon.

Tell me.

Yeah, it's happening really soon, actually.

Really? Did you go to the psychic again?

I just feel it. You know when you feel things?

Really? You look ready for love. Thank you!

Oh my god, I literally looked in the mirror today and I was like, this guy looks like he's ready for love.

You look open for love.

Yeah, I'm definitely open.

Do you have any rules?

Uh, rules?

Yeah, for the person you'd like to meet or the kind of relationship you want to have.

So many rules, that's a fucking problem.

What the fuck is your deal today? What are my rules?

Do you have any things that you want to like work on? What kind of person you want to be?

Yeah, I mean, I guess I just want somebody I can— I can sit in bed with and just sit there. Like, that is my dream.

Sure.

To find somebody just to, like, sit in silence with. When you find someone to sit in silence with, man, that's how you— that's the fucking best. That is kind of my goal.

But other than that, trying to date a—

but I'm definitely a lot more open than I was about 3 months ago.

You're more open than 3 months ago now that there's nothing going on. Yeah, we're all way more open, bro. I'm open.

Jason's like, I'll date a candle. Yeah.

I will date a fucking candle at this point.

No, but I am— I'm definitely more open to love now.

I can't imagine. I mean, this would have— this quarantine would have been so much fun if I had someone to spend it with. I go to bed at 9 o'clock and that's it, and then I work out.

That is so funny.

It's so funny. Like, I don't— I don't get it.

It's funny because like you complain about that all the time. Like, now you have the time to go to bed early and like work out and do stuff.

Right. So I shouldn't complain.

Yeah.

Natalie, I love how Natalie took your sad story and then on top of that went, oh, by the way, shut the fuck up. On top of you going, I have nobody, she went, you shouldn't be saying shit, old man. She didn't even—

she's the queen of that.

She didn't even level with you for a second.

So jealous of my relationship with my kids. Yeah, you are so jealous. Your father, you're not— notice how you— so when I do something nice for my kids, I'm the fucking asshole that's Spoiling my kids?

No, you just spoil your kids point blank.

I don't spoil them. I don't think.

What? You think you don't? I don't even want to know.

You look really good today.

What? You say I look like a fucking tub of mayo again?

No, you look really good today.

Selective hearing.

What do you think?

I look like a tub of mayo. Could you imagine a random stranger listening to that? What do you mean? What happened the other day where Ilya goes, I love working here.

I don't know.

I think Natalie and I got into a fight and we were just saying obscene things. And Natalie was like, I'm going to fucking choke you out. And I was like, I'm going to put my fucking foot in your ear. And just Ilya goes, I love working here.

Such a great work environment.

I don't think Ilya will ever be broken like you two.

No, he can't. It's not possible. Ilya is the best human being. I know. Yeah. Oh my God.

Ilya would never be like toxic like you two are to each other. It's bizarre.

Had anything to say negative about him in school.

Really weird.

I don't know how he does it. He's always like super neutral. He doesn't piss people off. He's very loyal.

Nice and neutral.

Yeah, he's really good at being neutral. And I've been like paying attention to him because I've been like trying to learn something from him because it's just so interesting. I know whenever he— well, he just stays quiet when he has nothing to say, right? And that's how he wins. But I can't do that. That's a trait that he has that I will never have.

Interesting.

But that's, that's why he's so good, is because he doesn't talk. Unless it's like something good is about to come out.

How's it been? Have you been correcting his behavior?

I've been trying to.

Have you— have you had any success?

I don't think— I don't think yet. I think it'll take a little bit, maybe like 2 weeks more.

I'm like a dog.

I mean, eventually I just start hitting him just like a dog.

He could beat you in a fight, right? If it came to a physical.

Yeah, 100%.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are you talking about?

Are you afraid that it'll get to that?

Yeah, man. Stop giving them ideas. I think there's definitely a chance.

I mean, what would you do if you had to get physical with him? A headlock, or—

Yeah, I'd probably get on top of them. Starts to do something.

This doesn't sound so bad.

No. Yeah, I probably had like them kind of fights.

What kind of fights are you having?

Have you ever had a physical altercation with David?

Yeah, I think one time in high school.

No way.

Yeah, listen, listen. You're on my bed. You were on my bed and like, and we started kind of like going at it and I took you down and I like, hey, I pinned you down and then in your head you were like, oh yeah, he's stronger than me. You're like, yeah, you're right, you're right, sorry.

Wait, really?

Yeah.

Wow.

Did you guys all graduate the same day? You know, the same year?

Yeah.

What was that like?

Oh, well, you're talking about the story. But like, we graduated, we had that like party at that fucking warehouse, remember, with all the inflatables?

Oh yeah.

And then that was like—

you had a warehouse party?

Yeah.

No, it was the senior party.

Your party?

Yeah.

Like a senior warehouse.

Talking into the mic.

Senior warehouse and like inflatable party.

Are there teachers there?

Yeah.

You're making it sound really cool by saying it was in a warehouse. Like we found an abandoned warehouse and we threw a sick party.

Well, it was like a sick party.

It was very cool. It was like one of the coolest parties I've ever been to.

What do you mean by— what do you mean by inflatables?

I don't know what you mean about inflatables. I don't remember any Inflatables.

Yeah, the jumpy bounce house. There was bounce houses and shit. That's what the sickest party.

Inflatables.

Yeah, but it was all— it was our entire— it was entire grade. Like, it was sick.

Everyone in our senior party, bounce houses, bounce houses.

There was— I think there was like a little go-karting thing.

Remember the magician? Not the magician, the hypnotist.

Of course I remember that.

Why do you remember the hypnotist?

Because of Annie Ramses.

Oh, who's that?

Who's that?

She's this girl who was like— come on, you don't remember?

I mean, I remember. I was just asking.

I told you this.

It was like, what happened? I don't even really remember.

She's this girl. She's pretty. Pretty girl, right? Whatever. But none of the guys would like— she wasn't like, like one of the hottest girls in school. She was a pretty girl in school. And then this hypnotist came by and he hypnotized 10 people on stage.

Yeah.

And he told the 10 people to act like they were supermodels. And Annie Ramses started acting like a supermodel, and every single guy in the audience fucking lost their mind. They were like, like what she was doing was fucking, like, so mesmerizing. We were all just fucking in a trance, right? Do you remember? I don't know. I don't know what it was. I don't know.

It was just like the way she was moving around. Like, she, like, didn't give a care.

Like, yeah, she was, like, genuinely hypnotized and, like, she was a shy girl. I mean, she was in theater, so she wasn't that shy, but she was shy to, like, the rest of us. But, like, she completely came out of her shell. And put on like this like performance. And we were all like, what the fuck? And I remember the hypnotist, like, whatever ended. And I remember like all of us got into a circle and like our friend Gil was like, I'm going to go ask for her number. And like, and like, I remember like it was like a big deal and everyone was like, I wanted to go do that. And it was like everybody fucking looked at her different. Like, you can ask anybody in our high school about the day Annie Ramses like became Annie Ramses. That was the day she's married now. After the hypnotist, different after someone proposed to her right there. No, she wasn't different. And the best part is she came out of it. She had no idea. She had no fucking idea what she just did. Like, could you imagine that? Like, she just came out of the fucking hypnotist. She's like, why the fuck is every guy coming up to me? Like, what the— could you imagine that? Like, being a girl that, like, you know, not like every guy was like drooling over, and then you come out of this hypnosis and all of a sudden every guy in the school wants you.

I don't understand that, how you can get hypnotized.

I'm just gonna ask you if that's real.

What do you mean that she got just like in general, like hypnosis?

Yeah. How do you not remember it?

Yeah, I don't get it.

Don't you?

I don't know if you don't remember it. I do think it's real.

I guess.

I think it's like you think you can get hypnotized. No, I can't.

But like, I had to get hypnotized once.

But I think if you let yourself get hypnotized, you totally can. Because I think it's all in like if you're letting yourself do it, your body will do it. It's like, it's like you're almost You're almost like giving— you're almost giving into it. You're almost like you're saying yes to it. Like, it's not like— I don't think hypnosis can work. Like, no one will ever be able to hypnotize— be hypnotized if they don't want to be hypnotized, right? Like, that's how it works. But if you like are giving into it and then the guy's like, put your right arm up, and then you like start slowly doing his— the movements that he's telling you, I think like subconsciously you're gonna start doing everything he's saying even without thinking about it because you're just like letting him like control a part of you. I don't think hypnotism is that— like, hypnosis is that crazy.

Have you tried hypnotizing Jonah?

Um, no, I just don't— he's not gonna follow directions.

Does David Blaine hypnotize people? No, no, no, he doesn't do that.

But yeah, shout out to Annie Rumses. Congrats on your marriage. Um, he's a lucky man.

You know what's crazy? Everybody thought that my girlfriend was pretty except for David.

Oh my God, I remember this.

And, and I was, I was always like, how in the the fuck? Does he not think—

oh yeah, he has a very specific type.

No, but like, Jay, everybody thought she was pretty.

Sure, I didn't say she wasn't pretty, I just said she wasn't my type.

I was just like, yeah, you were like pretty clear about how like you just didn't like her.

Well, because you like would egg me on and I, I'd be like, yeah, she's not my type. And you'd be like, what do you mean? What do you mean? Like, like you don't think she's pretty? And I'd be like, I don't know, I'm just like not into her. No. And it's because she was so much taller.

I thought that you were just jealous.

No, not at all.

Like, honestly, I was like, well, fuck him.

No, no, I, I'm just not into like tall girls. That's it.

She's not tall. She was 5'8". She was a little shorter than me.

5'8"?

Dude, at that age I was like 5'4". That's like, that's like a girl walking in here right now being 8 foot tall. That's like, yeah, that's— no, I don't know. She like There's something about, like, taller girls that make me feel like a little boy, and they just make me feel like I'm hanging out with my mom and I just can't do it. I don't know what it is.

And then, I mean, what happened?

Why did you break up with her?

I told him to. No, I'm kidding.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I really just— I don't think it's going to work.

Well, you should stop.

It's like, no, no, she broke up with me.

Oh, why?

Yeah. She went off to University of Indiana, which is a huge party school.

And, um, also let me say this, she's gorgeous, she's very pretty, but she's not like my— you know what I mean? No, no, no, like, like, here, I could say this, I could say this. Who's that woman that everyone thought was beautiful? Uh, Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn Monroe, not my type, but I know she's very pretty. Natalie, not my type, no, she's very pretty.

You can't say that to my face, it's so rude.

Well, actually, maybe you would be my type, but just— I just know you too well.

She is your type physically. Brown hair.

Um, she's a little too tall.

How tall are you?

You know what, it's really— this is actually funny. David always, like, when he's— I mean, first of all, he names every single characteristic, and it just kind of depends on the week of what he's into, right? But like, majority of the time, David's like, yeah, I like a brunette Latina.

I love Latina girls. Latina girls are like— that's like I think that is my type.

You said Israeli.

Yes, I love Israeli girls.

You said women in general.

You said white blondes. Yes. Well, I— okay, yeah, you know what, I, I guess I'd like—

Spanish is mine, Israeli is yours. Can we fucking separate them, please?

Well, I think they're both beautiful.

Since when have you ever been into an Israeli?

Bro, Israeli girls are fucking gorgeous.

No, I understand. That's like a whole— that's a whole stigma. It's like a thing that ever— it's widely known that Israeli women are beautiful.

Okay, so why are you even arguing with me?

Because I just like—

I've never—

I've never— that's one— that's one ethnicity that I never even heard you talk about before. Before in your life other than like—

Oh, he's got a lot of bags of tricks in there.

I don't know. Yeah, I guess—

Who's the Israeli that you ran into last week that now you just love Israeli women?

Gal Gadot.

Okay.

I watched the Wonder Woman trailer again. Oh, no, I think— I guess what I like is just short girls. That's kind of my— that's like what I'm into.

Hey, man, there's a fucking pandemic going on and you just fucking, I don't know, half cough, half blew some shit at me. What are you doing?

It was a spider. I'm sorry.

Bro, and first of all, great set of lungs on you. I'm sitting 6 feet away from you and I just felt this gush of wind. Oh, you blew a spider at me.

Yeah.

Oh, there he is. Great, now me and the spider have corona.

That's funny.

Damn, that was a good sound too. It was like, um, okay, let's talk about this. I've never seen anybody brag more about how good they are at sex than Ilya.

Oh, what about Jonah?

First off, okay, no, but I believe—

I don't—

I don't brag to anybody but you. I can't.

Right, right, right, right. But I'm just— I'm— I do— there have been— there have been times where you've talked about how you have sex where I'm just like, I want this guy to fuck me because— because I mean, I want to see if he can back up all this talk.

I can't.

I mean, I wish I could show you.

I mean, the way— but the way he talks about— he's like, dude, I'm so good I'm so good at sex. And I was like, Ilya, you realize it's not just about like how fast you are? Because I imagine Ilya is really fast because he's athletic, but I'm like, there's more to it than just how fast you are.

It's like pumping.

Yeah, yeah. And he's like, no, no, no. He's like, no, no, trust me, I know all about it. Like, I know, like, I like— yeah, consistency, like rhythm. And apparently you're good at all of it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Uh, and then, and then he'll talk about like— he'll talk about like his penis. He brought this up the other day. He's like, he's like, he's like, David, do you ever Do you ever turn out of a porn because the guy's dick isn't beautiful?

No, I said, do you ever turn off a porn video if the guy's cock isn't good looking? You ever do that? You ever do that, Jake? Like, if a guy's cock is like, it's not a good looking dick, and you're like, I don't know.

Yeah, sure. Yeah, I guess I do, if I'm being honest. Yeah, like if I see some like janky porn where the guy's penis is like really small, right?

Small dick?

Yeah.

Or no, not only small, but just like weird looking.

Yeah, weird.

Like bends to the right. I'm like, I'm out.

You know, I'm circumcised. I wouldn't watch that.

Bends down.

Bends down. It's pretty weird.

Which way does your penis bend, Jay? It doesn't bend.

Doesn't go anywhere right now.

These days. Yeah. I'd love to watch you have sex, though.

You guys should do it. Why don't you do it?

I can't fuck Ilya.

No, no. Watch him have sex and then judge it.

Yeah. I mean, do you have a girl that you're like currently talking to that you would— that would allow this to happen?

I mean, me being like, come over, my friend wants to watch me have sex with you. You don't know that type of girl.

No, you don't. You don't have anybody in L.A. that you've been like talking to that like would be down to do that?

I mean, no.

Okay. First of all, would you— would you personally be down to have sex and I watch?

I'd have to like really zone you out. Really difficult. Well, no, I was on top of that, like, fuck, he's watching me.

I really need to perform. You would not be able to zone me out. I'd be talking during the whole thing.

I don't know if I'd be able to get—

and Ilya's going inside.

Why don't you just record it?

No, I want to be there.

I could record it.

Yeah, come on, let me be there.

Why?

Why? That's fucking weird. I could just record it.

I'd rather watch a play than watch a movie.

Do you have a lot of stamina? Last for a long time?

Yeah, I mean, I've ran to that fucking mountain.

Well, those are two different things.

No, no, Jay, he fucked the mountain afterwards. He got there, he put his dick in the dirt.

Well, that's why the volcano has been erupting.

I'm excited. All right, guys. Well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thanks, Nat and Illya, for joining us. Thank you, Jason, for being one of the best co-hosts I could possibly ask for.

David, you're the best.

Get— because it's pretty tough to find.

I'm sorry. I thought it started as a compliment and then it just deviated into an insult.

What are you going to do? All right, we'll see you guys later. This has been a Fuse podcast. We'll see you guys later. My name's Jeff.

Landed it.