Where Babies Come From

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. On this podcast we have a special guest, um, it's my mom played by Jason Nash.

Hello David, it's good to see you.

Hello Mom.

David, uh, I was wondering, did you have sex with Jason that time we were in Florida and he came to visit in Vernon Hills?

Is it—

I need to know, David, answer me.

The answer is no.

Okay, good, I thought so.

All right, roll intro music.

What's up, guys? Well, we have to view this message. This is to my parents before this podcast starts. The one time Jason came over when you guys didn't know him really well, we did not have sex. Want to clear things up. There was no sex in the house.

Yeah, no sex.

Wait, so you tried telling your kids to wash the dishes the other day?

Yeah, I was like, why don't you— can you guys like pick up a little bit or whatever?

And what was their response?

Like, exactly like the same way, like when you like surprise them with something on YouTube and they just don't react. They just They just didn't react. They're just like, oh, we don't know, like, well, tell us what to do, we don't know what to do. And then I was like, fine, I'll just do it.

Oh my God, yeah, you'd be a fun dad to have.

You know that, that dad came up to me and he was like, so you're the fun dad, huh?

Who came up to you and said that?

I was at this party with this kid, party. Like, I picked Charlie up at a party and this, this dad I know, he was like, so you're the fun dad, huh? And I was like, yeah, I guess, you know, we try to, try to have fun. Yeah, we can. He's like, yeah, like, I hear a lot about your house. I hear a lot about going to your house and wanting to do stuff and going to the mall. You guys are always up to something. And I was like, yeah, well, you know. And he goes, he goes, not me, I'm a dick. Oh my God. And I go, good talking to you, Steve. And that was it. Wow. Yeah, so that's my reputation. What are you going to be?

I mean, it is funny to like think about you, just like to go back to my childhood and think about the parents and then to think that you're the fun parent because you're boring. No, just because I don't know what it—

when I'm with my kids, it's highly supervised. I'm like in the way too much, you know what I mean? Yeah, they want my clout, so, you know.

Yeah, your kids are definitely using you, I can tell for sure. I, I see when I look at kids, I know which kids are using families and which kids aren't.

Which one of my kids thinks he's using me for Charlie? I think Charlie's using me for clout for sure.

She's the, she's the most into TikTok.

What happens when she passes me on TikTok? Then I'll be using her.

You're useless. She's gonna dump you. Yo, you know what I thought about the other day? Jay, Jay, stop laughing. You know what I thought about the other day?

Sorry, man, don't bust me up so much. Stop being so funny.

I know, I got to tone it back. Um, kiwis. I was thinking about kiwis the other day, like last night. Isn't it— I feel like they're really underrated for how good—

I used to love kiwis when I was younger and they became too acidic.

That's what it is. Yeah, that's what it is. But their taste is incredible. Yeah, their color is magnificent. They're beautiful fruits. Yeah, they're beautiful fruits.

What's in the middle there? Is that banana in the middle?

No.

What is that?

What?

I used to think that— you're like one of those dumb dads.

I know it's not banana, but I used to think it was banana. It's right in the middle.

Okay, to be fair, I asked if those were poppy seeds in the middle today.

No, sesame. He thought they were sesame seeds.

Sesame seeds. I was like, 'Cause I know I'm allergic to sesame seeds, so I was like, 'Dumbass.' Now, yeah, you're right, you're right, right.

It's a confusing fruit.

Um, but this is what I was also thinking about kiwis. Hey, let's say God comes down.

Wait, wait, do you eat the skin?

No.

Okay, man, cool.

Let's say God comes down, right?

Yeah.

And he goes, hey man, no more balls. You can't, you can't play catch with baseballs, basketballs, footballs, nothing. Pick a fruit right now to play catch with. Go.

Kiwi.

Exactly. Kiwi. No, kiwi.

Why? It's just not— no, I wouldn't pick kiwi. I'd choose apple like Natalie said.

You would not choose an apple?

It's not round.

Apple's not round. Kiwis are round.

Kiwis aren't round, they're oblong.

Oblong.

Oblong.

And kiwis are small.

No need to redeem yourself from being a dumb dad.

Just because you know the word. You know the word oblong?

I think kiwi resembles a tennis ball. Apples are weird at the bottom. They're not really circular sometimes.

A kiwi does not resemble a tennis ball in the slightest.

You don't play tennis?

It resembles an egg.

They're not perfectly round at all. They're not like a ball. I don't know what kind of kiwis you've been getting.

Circular. I know this kept you up all night thinking about if you could toss a kiwi instead of a baseball, but—

This is what's going on at Dobrik LLC, huh?

I hate you guys.

Kiwis and Call of Duty and calling your friends back home pussy.

Someone told me today that quarantine may last till 2022.

Yeah, did you see the article I sent in the group chat?

No, what happened? This is true.

Do not read anything that I send. When I send it, am I just nothing to you?

I muted you. I muted you in the group chat. It just shows up as invisible. I just think—

can't mute someone in a group chat.

No, I called Apple and I said—

spoke with Apple.

Can you make an exception?

Oh, you know Tim Cook?

Yeah.

What did he say?

He said, I can't, I'm so busy. I said, and I was like, please, but Jason is— and he's like, okay, say no more.

Okay, say no more.

He heard Jason, he's like, Jason, okay, I'll fix it. I know how annoying he is.

Okay, what did you send on the group chat?

No, it's just, it was an article in the LA Times that we're in for the next 12 to 18 months.

Are you fucking serious?

2022. I mean, there's going to be periods where we'll be able to go out and stuff, but it's coming back in the fall. It's, you know, it's here to stay.

What's coming back?

What's coming back in the fall?

The quarantine will come back in the fall, and the, the bug will come back in the fall. You know, the flu season. You know how there's flu season?

Like, are you, are you saying that the summer the ban's gonna be lifted?

I think in the summer. I think in the summer, yeah, though, we'll be out at some point.

Like June, July, August is fun, and then everyone, okay guys, do you have fun?

Literally exactly like that.

Are you being serious?

Yeah. Yeah. Do you ever walk around— this is what I do sometimes. I go, I wake up, like today was a really rainy day And I did my whole day of work and then around 3 o'clock I was like, oh fuck, it's coronavirus. Like it's still here. Like I forgot. You ever do that? You ever forget that there's a—

Sometimes like every day kind of feels like a Saturday or a Sunday. So I like almost forget like, oh, it's Wednesday. I'm supposed to be working.

I have no idea. I have no idea what day it is.

So I'll go in my room and watch another movie.

Just kidding.

I was watching an end of the world movie yesterday.

Yeah.

Deep Impact. Something like that.

Yeah.

And it's just like crazy to like— like, it's just like— I mean, I'm not relating it to coronavirus, but I kind of am. Like, it's just like— like, the characters, everyone was like, the world's ending in 20 days, and everyone accepted it, you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Like, it's just like crazy. Like, that could happen here, and then it's just like our new reality.

I've already accepted it.

That the world may end?

No, no, no, not the world end, but I've already accepted this— this quarantine life.

Yeah, but it's crazy. I like how crazy this is, that it's like quarantine's happening and like we've accepted it as like a normal thing now.

I know, I know.

Like, that's so bizarre. And And it's, and it's so quick to accept things.

Like, what do you think will come out of this? What, what, how will society change from this?

No more high fives, no more handshakes, for sure.

That's done. It's gonna be less people, be less babies.

I think less babies.

Yeah, that's a study. There'll be a baby decrease.

Yeah, everyone's cooped up. But Natalie, in a fucking year, we're gonna have to make a baby. We gotta play, we gotta do our part.

That's how this is gonna go.

Also, like, if you were planning a baby You're like, yo, I ain't planning a baby now.

All right. Because you can't afford it.

Well, no, you don't even want to. You don't want a baby to come into the world.

Can't afford it. You don't want to go to a hospital in 9 months. Maybe you don't know what's up.

I watched a pregnancy video the other day of a baby coming out.

Oh my God.

Vagina in the passenger seat of a car.

Natalie's birth.

No, but it terrified me. I don't get it. I don't get— I don't get childbirth. It's crazy to me. Do you mean how the fuck does a human come out of another human? How the fuck does that happen?

Yeah, I know. It's wild.

I told Taylor, I said, there's no way. No way my baby's coming out of vagina. He's going to take an Uber. So there's no way I'm making my wife go through that shit. Did you fuck? Have you? I mean, you've seen it twice. I mean, have you? Yeah, we've talked about this.

Yeah, it's part of the sequel, bro.

You saw the sequel? I just— I can't. And as a husband, as a husband.

Yeah, it's really hard, man. As a husband, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

No, I'm being serious.

I'm being serious on my phone while my baby was delivered.

No, hold on. I'm being serious. I understand. That the woman's part is the most difficult thing in all of existence to give birth. But as a husband, do I have to be there watching it, or can I be in the next room?

I think— I mean, I'd be there, but also at the same time, I feel like it's a very— like, when your wife's having a baby and like your child is coming out of your wife that you made together, like, it's a very— like, you're connected on like another deep level that you don't understand right now.

Really?

I feel like I'd look at my kid weird. Like, if I saw that, I'd be like, dude, you fucking tore up my wife. Like, you fucked up my wife coming out of there.

Your perception of childbirth Childbirth sounds like it came out of a cartoon.

I'll be there for childbirth. I just— I'll look— I'm gonna look away, obviously, right?

Well, no one's asking you to put your head into your wife's vagina. That's where the doctor's gonna be. You just hold her hand and you're there by your side.

Don't you want to cut the cord?

What cord?

The umbilical cord. That's what the dad does.

Oh yeah, I mean, listen, I think I'm gonna— I'm gonna give that one to the doctor.

Then don't you like eat the placenta? I want to be there.

That's like a very—

Natalie's a cool mom. Yeah, People cook the placenta.

I've heard, like, very, very hippie people. No one just. No one cooks the placenta.

Yeah.

Very, very rare. Guys.

Okay, here's my.

Wait, wait, wait.

Here's my deal. I'll eat the placenta if I don't have to watch. Can that be my deal?

Taylor, grab some French bread and some red bell peppers.

Oh, my God. I'm gonna Be thrilled. I'm actually looking forward to it because I know I'm going to be in such a panic that it's going to be so fun. And my wife's going to be like, can you please shut the fuck up? Can you please shut the fuck up? I'm giving—

this is about me.

I'm delivering a baby and you won't shut up. Just shut up. Fun. Yeah, it's going to be fun.

Just to be clear, no one eats the placenta.

That's not true. I mean, you're right.

Very rare. Rare. That is like a rare—

Kim Kardashian ate her placenta on the show. I don't know if she ate it on the show, but she just said that. And I think Courtney did it too. She says, and when I say eat my placenta, I mean that I'm having it freeze-dried and made into a pill form, not actually frying it like a steak.

Well, when your baby came out, yeah, you were— you watched it come out?

By then I was more mature and I was just like, yeah, I want to be there for that. It's something, right?

Right. But Jason, you watched it come out?

Yeah, of course I had to. But how could you not That's like, that's my one opportunity to have that experience. So why would I not be immersed in it and go for it? Well, the whole thing too is like there's a lot of time between there too. So she comes home with the baby and then all of a sudden she gets these huge tits and she's also like, not necessarily, she's like sore, you know? And then she's tired because the baby's— we're all tired.

Did you— this is a weird question. You told me that you drank it.

Yeah.

You squeezed it out straight into your mouth. You latched on. Like a little puppy and you sucked out the milk. You didn't pour in a cup first, right? Or in a cup is a weird way to describe it, but you didn't like drink it out of a cup because normally men will try breast milk by trying it out of like a cup. But you got it straight from the source.

What do you mean normally men?

Like it's already pumped.

Where are you reading? What articles are you reading?

Like I've seen people try and—

First of all, you can't squeeze a fucking glass of milk out of a—

No, you suction it.

No, with your breast pump.

Suction it. Oh, oh, oh, oh, you're right. Yeah. When you make bottles.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You make bottles. Yeah. I never tasted it. Like that. I tasted it straight from the— straight from the source.

That's sick. Was this with your first kid or your second kid?

I don't remember.

Well, you should.

Probably my first.

And did you go for seconds for your second kid?

Second kid, she fucking hated me.

Tell me exactly how you asked her and what she responded when you asked. I don't know.

I was just kind of there, and then I was like—

And when you— and after you drank it, did you say something like, I wish I had some cereal? Did you say anything funny? Cereal? Yeah. Because in that situation, anything—

some Fruity Pebbles—

because that's one of those situations where anything you say afterwards is funny. Do you know what I mean? Like, there's certain situations in life, like if you get— like if there's a big prank on you, right, and you get scared, anything you say in that moment is funny. People will laugh at, right? It's part of your reaction. There's moments like in life where anything you say is funny, and that is one of those moments. After you come up from sucking on a boob and sucking the milk out of it, anything you say is funny. You can say anything you want. What did you say? You must have said something that made people laugh, or at least your wife, unless there was an audience.

I probably just said, "That tasted really sweet." That's my memory, at least.

You found the one not funny thing. You found the one thing that made you incredibly dull.

100%. That's the story of my marriage, man. She didn't think I was funny, and I'm sure I wasn't. You know what I mean?

You say that and she goes, "Wow, you really could have said anything else and it would have made me laugh." Yes.

Yeah, I was always in the wrong gear.

That's funny.

Uh, speaking of being a parent, uh, you guys still have your dog here?

Yeah, she's still here. Little Iron Man. She's so cute. She's a puppy. I don't know if we're gonna keep her though. We're fostering her.

Oh, he doesn't know. It's not a complete no in his head. I'm just saying, still thinking about it.

Wow, that's a big change from—

that is a big change. That was a subconscious change.

Well, because I can't tell if she likes me or not.

He asked what kind of breed she is after I've already told him a million times. But she's a golden retriever lab mix. And he was like, oh wait, why didn't you tell me that earlier? Those are the two best kinds of dogs to have mixed into one. She must be the perfect dog.

Yeah, because growing up I didn't know if I wanted a lab or a golden retriever, and I'm like, this is a fucking two-in-one. You got—

we got both.

I got both. She's cool, but she pees a lot and stuff. It's weird.

Yeah, but she'll outgrow that.

Today we were eating and she came right by us. Yeah, and she just shat right on the ground. Just took a shit right by us as we were eating.

She walked— she knew— she targeted David.

She walked, and there's like There was like hair in her poop too. And Natalie pointed it out as I was eating. She's like, look at the hair in her poop. And I was like, wow, that doesn't make this Italian sandwich taste any better, Natalie. Thank you. So yeah, I do feel targeted sometimes by her. I can't tell if she likes me or not. I'm the only person in the house that doesn't feed her. Taylor and Natalie both like take the food out for her and stuff, right? So she doesn't have any— I don't know, she doesn't have any connection to me. The other day, Natalie and I went for a run. You know, it was like a mile run, so we're gonna be gone for like 10 minutes. So Natalie put her in the bathroom.

She didn't want her to eat up everything with her cozy bed and her food and her water.

And I knew that she was gonna be bummed out that she was in the bathroom. So on our way back from the run, I said, first one back to the house gets to take out the dog and be the hero.

Oh nice.

So I ran really quick and I came into the house and she was crying. I could hear her crying in the bathroom. And I opened the door and I was like— and I looked at her and I picked her up. I was like, I can't believe Natalie did that to you. I can't believe Natalie did that to you. I love you so much. I'd never let that happen to you. And I thought that was the moment that I may have won her over a little bit more.

But then I came walking in the house 30 seconds later, and guess who came running?

And then the real show started.

Yeah, and it's not fair because Natalie basically lives in the kitchen, because if she's not feeding the dog, she's feeding herself.

All right, don't use this as a time to throw me under the bus.

So Natalie, straight from the run, went into the kitchen, opened up a box of Cheez-Its, and this fucking dog heard the food and she switched, and she was like, you know what, I fucking like Natalie. I don't care if she's like me in there. Natalie knows the kitchen better than anyone else in this house. I'm gonna stick with her.

Oh my God, that's not true.

You've been looking a lot healthier.

Thank you. I haven't been hanging out with you, that's why. Literally taking years off my life.

I take my compliment back. I know you're gonna be so evil about it.

No, I mean, you know, I, I've been resting, and I can't even believe the things we used to do, the things you used to make me do. Remember when you would take me to parties and then it would be like 3 in the morning, and then you'd be like, okay, you go to sleep in the car, I'm gonna go into the party, see if I can get something.

That happened once or twice.

You good, dog? I'd be like, yeah, I'm okay, I'm just gonna—

that happened once.

I'll rest here.

That happened once, and I got back and I, and I, I'll be like at the party and like I'll be like, wow, this is actually pretty fun. And then I'll be like— and I'll text and be like, I'm coming, I'm on my way, I'm on my way, I'm leaving, I'm walking out the door, when I'm really not.

Oh my God, that's the worst.

I hate And one time I came out at like 4:30 and Jason was no longer in the car. And I was like— and I messaged him and I go, Jason, where the fuck'd you go? In the morning I got a message like, bro, I left at— I left at 1. You had me sit in the car at 12:30. Tell me you're gonna come out. That happened one— that was one time. That was crazy. That was like, I don't know, it was like an— it was like an Oscar Award like night or something. And I got there and I was leaving and it was like 12:30 at night or something and I was ready to go. And then fucking 4 buses pull up with like everybody I knew, like the fucking party just arrived. So yeah, that was a bad situation. But I'm glad you're— I'm glad you're feeling healthier ever since we've—

Thanks, man.

Not been around each other as much.

Hey, you know, you know what? I remember, remember we used to play pool together?

Yeah.

Yeah. Here's something that David does that is not cool. Why? When I beat him at pool, when the 8-ball is going in— and I don't beat him a lot, right? David will grab the 8-ball and rob me of the satisfaction. So, so it's down to the final thing. I knock the 8-ball in, it's going in, David sticks his hand in the hole. Yeah, yeah, pretty fucked up, dog.

It's so funny to see your face.

To steal that moment from somebody, that is the most— that, that second, that is the sweetest feeling. You know that feeling when you sink the 8-ball, you're like Yes, yeah, I won.

That is dope. And I do steal from you.

Yeah, you robbed me.

Do you, do you feel— are you, are you happier since we hang out less? Or are you ready to— are you ready to get back to it?

I'm so ready to get back to it.

Really?

I can't wait.

Okay, so just remember, when this quarantine is over, no kids, all David.

I'm not gonna promise you that. Carla and I were talking the other day about like when we would all hang out and it would be like 2 o'clock and you'd be calling me, you'd be like like, let's go, Jay, where are you? Let's fucking go. And then I'd be like in my car and I'd be like, fuck, fuck, fuck, I'm late, he's calling me. And like, and I hadn't showered and I don't have underwear on, and you know, I do, I roll. And then I come up here and I drive up your hill, and then you're waiting in the— not in the driveway, at the end of the street. Yeah, with the wing of the car up. And I get out, I grab my phone, I'm like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, my pants are falling down because I don't have a fucking belt on. I get in the car You're like, come on, let's go. You, you start driving before the wing is even closed. The door starts to close as we're driving. You're like, let's go, let's go. I get in the car, I'm like— and then you go, and then you go, all right, where are we going? Subway? I was fucking dying.

Yeah, bro, every time Jason would come, I'd always like be like, where are you? You're late. And then, and every time I would I'd pull out of like my house and I'd be waiting on the street for him with the door open, ready for him to park his car and get into my car. And then every time he got in, I'd have nowhere to go.

Nowhere to go. Yeah. Yeah.

I miss those days.

I get— I miss them too. I guess in that respect, the quarantine—

you know damn well our first day after the quarantine is going to be like, now what? You know, that's going to be like, like one of the things we say.

No, that won't happen.

Really?

Yeah. Because there'll be so much to film. There'll be like people will be going apeshit. You think they'll be like, so-and-so is having a party and so-and-so is doing this and, and Kanye is going to the moon. You know what I mean? Like, there'll be stuff like that happening. It'll be—

why would Kanye want to leave Earth? They were all allowed on it. Have you gotten to your point in your age where you're just like, you don't believe in anything that's not like factual? Like you don't believe in conspiracies anymore? Like you're just like, that's stupid. That's bullshit.

Yeah, I generally say that's stupid just for my own sanity.

Oh, right, you do. Well, do you— this is my question to you. You've been in this industry for a while.

I have.

I mean, kind of. You've been, you've been watching on the outskirts. You've been watching your friends succeed.

Yeah.

All the great ride for them.

All those huge SNL actors that used to work with— no, no, I'm kidding. But do you, do you believe in Illuminati? Is that like a real thing?

I love Luminati. It's delicious.

No, not the pizza place. Illuminati.

No.

No.

And I don't believe in 9/11 conspiracies.

Well, let's talk about Illuminati before Sandy Hook. Okay, let's talk about Illuminati.

Okay, great.

Okay. When I first moved here, I had an experience with Illuminati.

Oh, you told me.

Yeah, not personally, but a friend. I'm not going to get into it because it was very scary. Yeah, but basically talked about it. Oh, really? Someone came to talk to one of my friends in their apartment and basically asked them to sacrifice someone in their family. For, um, for financial gain and for fame. And yeah, it was really, really scary. And this— and, and they said that they were part of a cult, basically. And they didn't say the Illuminati, but that's kind of what you would just infer. Cool.

Have you ever heard about Puff the Magic Dragon?

No. Okay.

Do you think that's real?

Well, here's my question. Do you think that it's real? Oh, my friend actually called me the other day. Yeah, he's like, you part of the Illuminati?

Yeah.

He's like, is it real?

Really?

Yeah. And I'm like, no. Well, I responded, yes.

I was like, yeah, you did.

I was like, it's fucking dope. I'm so happy they invited me.

They just assumed that because you're somewhat successful, right?

That, that— I mean, but it's like, it's kind of fair. I don't know. I feel like I've been around like enough, like celebrities to be like, there's no way that the Illuminati is real because these guys are like actually real humans. Like, you know what I mean? Like when you think of the Illuminati, you think of like shady celebrities. Who are like doing things like under the table, like murdering, right? Murdering people. But like, at least the celebrities I know, they're pretty cool. I don't—

they don't need to murder people.

Yeah, as far as I know.

Big houses.

Yeah, like they have huge houses. Like, why would they be murdering people?

Telling people to stay home?

No, but I mean, I guess I don't know. I don't know. I can't wrap my head around there being— I do think that there is like a group that makes some decisions, but I don't think it's as like Yeah, as we think it is, right?

Like, I'm sure there's no group, there's no nothing. What are you talking about?

Oh, you don't even think like that the president— yeah, you think—

yeah, Jay-Z and Beyoncé and Obama and, uh, Hillary Clinton all get together.

Hillary Duff.

Yeah, and Hillary Duff, right? And they all get together and they decide what's gonna happen, and they sacrifice babies. Oh yeah, and that was how Beyoncé got famous because she brought in a baby and sacrificed her. Not on her talent, not on the fact that she's a beautiful woman, that she has a beautiful voice.

Like, I'm sure like the president President Trump's secret meetings. Aha, I know it sounds crazy to think President Trump has secret meetings.

Yeah, this is what I hate about you and the rest of the vlog squad members whose names I won't talk about. Okay, it's so fucking frustrating. Like little things that you guys will say, like, like someone will be like, oh, I don't know if coronavirus is real. I'll be like, okay, I'm fucking getting up. I'm walking out the door. It's so frustrating.

Coronavirus being real is different than me thinking that the president has secret meetings. I mean, why is that a big deal? Why is it a big deal to think—

The phrase "secret meetings," but finish your thought, dumbass.

You won't let me because you're already judging me.

Okay, go. All right, go ahead. I'll hear you out. You have one minute. Go.

I think that there has to be meetings that are had that maybe that if the public knew— okay, maybe I didn't think this through. But I feel like there have to be meetings that the public can't know about because it would cause some sort of, you know, mass chaos.

Yeah. Trump doesn't go to those fucking meetings. That's why we have a pandemic on our hands. Exactly.

Okay. But, but it's probably beyond that. But it's probably like maybe this pandemic is to— maybe this pandemic was, you know, was made to take our eyes off of the aliens that landed.

What is with you fucking young people who just fucking insist on being like, no, it's about something else. Stop searching. Put your feet on the ground and fucking look around you and read a newspaper.

I'm not crazy. I'm not searching.

It infuriates me.

I'm just— my options are open. I'm just— dude, I'm just—

I'm just a kid. Then this is David's next argument. I'm just a kid, man.

Stop yelling at me.

I'm just a kid. Stop yelling at me. Meanwhile, all you do is yell at people. Let's fucking go. Hey, I was thinking about this the other day. I was thinking about—

That's it? You're going to drop this conversation?

Yeah, it's pointless. I mean— What do you mean? Go back and listen to it. The part where you go, I mean, what about when, okay, like president. Okay. I hadn't thought this through.

I know that there was kids listening and they were like, come on, David, get them, get them. And then they heard me start talking and they were like, fuck, fuck, this guy's an idiot. No, I get it. I didn't articulate that properly.

That's okay. I mean, we could keep going if you want.

No, I'm just saying, I'm just confused.

Like, I don't know much about it either.

Did you ever think— did you ever believe in stuff like that?

You know, I was never a moron.

You were never a moron?

No. Where would you go back in time if you could?

Like, what moment?

You know, maybe no change anything, but if you go back and like see something, like if I could witness something with my own eyes. Yeah.

Never thought of that.

Probably like want to like watch my dad play football or something in high school.

Oh, you're talking like that, like personal life shit. Personally, I'd love to see like Jesus Christ. Like, that'd be crazy.

That would be good.

I'd like to see Jesus Christ.

That's a good one.

Without, like, touching anything or fucking with anything.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like just to look at somebody.

Yeah.

I'd want to go back 2,000 years.

And what if you got back there and it was like, it's just a normal day?

Here's my question is like, is the whole, the whole year system, right? Like some people are religious and some people aren't. Are they, are the years, are they founded on religion or is religion founded after the years? Does that make sense? If you go back 2,021 years, you're at 1 BC. And BC stands for Before Christ. So all years are technically religious because they revolve around Jesus's death.

I guess so.

So what do they revolve around if you're not religious? Like, what is— what is that? Like, what is that? You know what I mean?

Everyone else has just accepted the years. They don't have to—

they don't think about it. They're just like, oh, they're just years.

Think about it.

Okay.

You know, it's like— it's like Marty still orders this— this matzo ball soup for Passover and nobody fucking likes it. And it's like, right, I know, I get it. It's like a Jewish tradition. No one wants it.

Isn't it also crazy if, like, Jesus was around, if he was a real person, which I think he may have been 2,000 years ago? That's not that long. No, like, at all.

No, like, not at all.

That's not long ago at all.

Good advancements. I can't believe we don't have a fucking cure for this coronavirus after all the shit that we have. We have so much shit, like, all the technology.

Yeah, but this brings me back to my point.

What?

Maybe they do have a cure. You don't think— okay, this one is more realistic. You don't think that they actually have a cure?

Well, I mean, you know, if you look at AIDS, AIDS took, I don't know, 20 years to come up with a cure.

But they don't have a cure yet.

I mean, they have drugs that help though.

Yeah, but it's nothing.

You're right. They don't have a cure. Yeah, you're right.

Publicly, like they don't have like a cure.

But this is what—

this is what I think. I think that with like the advancement of like, let's say that is true, right? Like that there is no cure or some shit. Sorry. Let's say that they are holding back a cure. I think with the advancement of social media and all this like technology, it's so easy to communicate stuff to a large group of people no matter who you are.

Right.

So in like 10, 20 years when it becomes an easier thing to find a cure to things, it's going to be a lot harder for the government to try to cover any kind of cure up because a guy is going to be able to go, I have the fucking cure, it's here, I'm tweeting it out or I'm sending it out. I'm putting it onto the internet.

We're here now. Right, right, right. Not even in 20 years.

No, I'm saying, I'm saying, I'm saying maybe the cure was founded by one person that was— that the government was able to silence him. Oh, but once more people are coming across the cure because—

oh, I see.

Because medicine has progressed so much and everyone's like, oh, it's easy, this is the cure. And then when more people get their hands on it, then it's going to be so much harder for like anybody to be like, are you smoking a lot of weed? Yeah, I will. Listen, we took a fucking weird turn on this podcast. I just, I just figured I'd go down that, that rabbit hole.

I'm most proud of Dave.

I don't know. I guess if I was to think about like, like doing what I do, like just like, yeah, doing what I do.

He didn't understand.

Yeah, right. I was making fun. I said it weird. You'll be doing what I do. You'll be doing what I do. No, like, I've— like, dude, like, it's crazy because as a kid I wanted to get into the entertainment industry so bad.

Did you ever want to be like a movie star?

Yes.

You ever picture yourself in movies?

For sure. I wanted to act. I told you, I did that bullshit thing where they go on Nickelodeon. Does your kid want to be an actor?

Yeah, you told me.

Yeah, I did that bullshit thing.

That's great.

But, but, but like, I wanted to do that. I wanted to do entertainment so bad.

You did.

Like, that's all I wanted was just to like somehow, somehow be an entertainer, but But I didn't know how. I was like, well, I can't really act. I don't know how to get in it. And like, I didn't know like at all how to do it. Like, I was like, how the fuck do I do this? And then fucking Vine came around and then, and then this YouTube thing and it's literally perfect. It's perfect. It's exactly what I want to be doing.

Yeah.

It makes no sense. Like there isn't a profession that is literally more fit for what I want to do.

Isn't that funny? And it wasn't around.

It's so fucking bizarre.

It's like, maybe you're right. Maybe this Illuminati shit, maybe there's something to it.

It's literally like putting my hand in like the perfect glove. Like, it fits so perfectly, Jay. Yeah, like there's no other thing that I'd want to be doing.

Yeah, because you're not an actor, you're not a host, right? I'm like, not a musician.

No, I'm just this guy, and I'm like, and I'm making content that I'm like proud of, right? Like, I'm not like half-assing this bitch. Like, I'm really working hard.

Good.

And like this weird lane that like wasn't there before, and it's so confusing, and I'm just like, how is this so perfect?

It's like, I don't know, I feel that way too. When I, when I used to do stand-up and stuff, and before I got on Vine, or even before that stuff was around at all, when I would do stand-up, I'd be like, oh my god, I hated all the other stand-ups so much. Like, it wasn't collaborative in any way. And then when I got on Vine, I was like, wow, this is so much fun, and people like aren't assholes about it, and everybody has their own thing that they do, and you can go in and collaborate, right? It's crazy. And now I see these celebrities, they're on the fucking platforms now.

How do you feel about celebrities or anybody, anybody of success giving advice to like people that aren't, that haven't like experienced that yet.

Celebrities giving advice about what?

Like, how do you feel about like, like I was thinking about this the other day, like people ask me for like advice.

Sure.

Like, on like, they'll be like, how do I get my channel started? Or how do I do this?

Right.

Like, I'll give my advice, but I'll also be like, fuck, like I don't know if it's like—

it's right. Yeah.

Because it's like you kind of gotta do it on your own. And like, right. And like the steps I took, like there was luck involved, there was the right time, you know, like, and it's like, and it's almost weird for me to give advice to other people about something that they gotta figure out on their own. Like, I almost feel like I have this like privilege where I can be like, oh, this is what you should do when it's not true. Because like, whatever, whatever you're asking me, you kind of gotta figure it out on your own in a way.

Oh yeah.

I mean, you can give broad advice like don't let people, naysayers bring you down or stuff like that, but you can't like give like, like this is what I was watching. I was watching this really successful businessman and he was giving advice to these kids. And he's like, what company do you want to work for? And the kid's like, blah blah blah. And he's like, so go outside their building, call them every day, call them every day and say you want a position at their office. Call them every day. And that's so fucking incorrect. Do not call an office every day. That's fucking crazy. And one of the comments on the video was like, I did this and they blocked me from ever calling them again. Exactly. If you fucking called me and you said you want to be my assistant, you want to work for me, you call me every day, I'd fucking— I'd have to get a restraining order. I'd fucking go crazy. But like, that's the type of advice that may have worked for that guy. Yeah, in that one instance. And now he's giving it to other people, and I almost feel like he doesn't have the authority to be giving.

I mean, most of the time you're gonna give people that advice, they're not gonna do it.

I don't know, I'm getting deep about something that really doesn't matter. But yeah, I'm just saying, it's a good topic. Sometimes I give people advice and I go, I don't even know if this is the right thing to say, but I'm saying it anyways. Alright guys, well, that's all the time we have for the podcast. Thank you guys for listening. It's been a wild ride. Jason, it's been a pleasure talking to you.

Wash your hands, guys.

Wash your hands. Stay inside. Order some food. Watch a couple movies.

Make love.

What?

Sorry.

A lot of people are stuck with their families. All right, we'll see you guys later. My name's Jeff.