The Public Hates YouTubers

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason and I give you really good life advice. Jason, I'm gonna start off with a common saying and you're just gonna end it for me. When life hands you lemons, you—

You know, be careful, 'cause lemons, they can give you canker sores. Don't eat too many.

Make lemonade.

When life hands you lemons—

Look, lemons, don't be fooled. They're beautiful, but when you bite into them, they're very sour. So they're not like an orange. Is that it?

Yeah, I rolled in some music. What's up guys, and welcome back to the podcast. This is Jason. Nice.

Why can't I talk about things in the room?

See, now it doesn't even make more sense.

Why can't I talk about things in the room?

We started—

we can waste a good 5 minutes describing that wooden box.

We started the podcast and Jason starts talking about this box that's in my hand, and I'm like, stop talking about things that are in the room. People cannot see it.

People can— people, you know, how do you think the blind watch TV? You describe stuff to them. Okay, my, my, uh, grandma was blind and I used to describe Baywatch to her all the time.

How'd you describe Baywatch?

Go, oh, this David Hasselhoff, this tall man, hairy chest. And she go, oh yes, yes.

Um, guys, this is The Views Podcast. I'm David, that's Jason. Jason's the older one.

I'm Jason, I'm old.

Um, okay, well, right now let's just get get to the meaty stuff. The Met Gala is going on.

Oh, I'm furious. I thought we were going to talk about this.

Yeah, I want to talk about it.

Okay, it's fine.

I think it's so interesting. I don't know what the Met Gala is.

I, I don't even really know what it is.

It's just a bunch of like celebrities go out and they just dress up.

Like, do people perform?

I don't think so. I think it's like a really— it's a dinner, I think. It's like, yeah, it's like a 15-minute dinner. Anyway, like every celebrity goes. It's crazy. And Liza— Liza was interviewing Everybody at the gala, like every— she was the main interviewer at the gala.

Donald Glover I saw, Ariana Grande I saw.

Donald Glover, Ariana Grande, shit, I don't know, all of them. Madonna.

Rihanna.

Yeah, Rita Ora, all of them.

Big Nick.

Big Nick. And it's so crazy, 'cause I was watching all her interviews. These were— I was editing today, right? So like the interviews were coming in online like one by one. And like it's her interviewing Madonna, and then Michael B. Jordan, and then like Cole Sprouse, and like all these like— top celebs, and I'm like, I'm editing a vlog where Jason jumps into a pool, and I felt so fucking like useless.

You did? Yeah. Oh no, dude, don't say that.

I couldn't finish my edit because I was like, oh, I was like, I can't believe I'm editing this shit when Liza's over there interviewing the Pope.

Oh, that's, that's funny. But that's that— you have to understand that you're doing your thing, just like Donald Glover does his thing. You do your thing.

No, I don't, I don't need to be talked out of like a bad mood. No, Liza, I hear what you're saying. Liza absolutely fucking killed the interviews.

Um, she did great.

She was so nervous for, um, she obviously, you know, rightfully so, but just absolutely destroyed. I mean, she, she was like a natural. What do you think about the Met Gala?

I, I didn't— I got very upset reading some of the tweets.

Yeah, people are really, um, particular about people's outfits.

People, I guess, are upset that she's a YouTuber and that she got to do that.

Some people weren't happy about Liza being a YouTuber and being at the Met Gala. Which is like the worst, like the worst part about being a YouTuber is that fucking, no one's transitioned like properly other than like Justin Bieber.

Yeah, you said something to me today when you were writing your vlog, you're like, Jesus, if Liza can't do it.

No one can.

No one can.

If like, if people don't let go of the fact, but okay, so like when Liza first went on the carpet, people were like, oh, this sucks, it's a YouTuber. But like I feel like after they watch the interviews and they see how much better she was than like past interviewers, they'll let it go. That's all it takes. Like all you gotta do is prove yourself once.

That's fine, but just to comment on someone's outfit I think is so stupid because I could care less about what people wear. And the fact that people take that seriously, it's—

that's what it's all about.

But I just want to see all those people without, without like food and water and like stripped to their like basic like needs.

And the fact that all the people that are leaving mean comments, yeah, I want to see them without food and water.

Yeah, I want to see them in like an apocalypse, and then I want to, I want to be in a in a car that has oxygen.

Yeah.

And then I'm driving by the people that left the mean comments for Liza, and I'm watching them, they're grabbing their necks and they're suffocating for air.

Really?

Yeah. And I want to watch them die, and I want to go, oh, come in our car. Oh no, no, no, you left that comment about Liza. I'm sorry, you die now.

Um, no, but all in all, Liza did great. Have you ever been to— have you ever been to a fancy event like that where we're not welcome?

I've been down to Red Lobster. Yeah, on Friday nights.

They didn't kick you out?

No, I got kicked out, of course. I get kicked out of everywhere I go. But you were there. Yeah, I was there. I interviewed Bradley Cooper at Red Lobster once.

Really?

Yeah.

What was Bradley Cooper doing?

He had got some salmonella, and I was filling out the report.

Oh, you used to work at Red Lobster? Tricia, your girlfriend was telling me she used to, um— I wish she would—

Red Lobsters.

Oh, she could tell the story a lot better than I can, but, um She used to— one of her jobs used to be to do makeup on dead bodies.

Trish is amazing. She has had so many jobs.

Yeah, she says like—

you know what I really admire about her?

What?

She, she is a self-made woman.

Oh, 100%.

Like, she's tried every job. She's been on like Price Is Right trying to get famous. She, and she'll just say—

she was on Ellen DeGeneres for reading fast. Yeah, Trish killed it. Yeah, she killed it. She did a great job. Um, No, but one of her jobs was she used to put makeup on dead people.

Yeah, she was a mortician.

It's fucking terrifying. So she was telling me, I asked her, what was the scariest part about doing that? And she's like, someone would come in and they just went through a windshield. And their head was almost cut off their body, but she had to make them look presentable for an open casket.

Yeah.

Fucking nuts.

Kind of like me tomorrow night for a birthday party. She's going to have to make me look presentable.

Yeah, basically. Basically the same impossible task. Um, but, but she quit because she couldn't do it. I mean, that, the, that's really stressful.

Yeah. She also hasn't had the jobs long. She would always, she always, you know, throws that caveat in. No, she quits.

She quits.

I don't think she was a mortician for too long. I know she was a massage therapist, probably for like 2 weeks, right? And then she just decided she worked at Ralph's.

She worked at Ralph's.

Yeah, that's the best.

Um, Jason, people have been sending in a bunch of stuff.

I, I have a crazy email that I thought was good to read.

Okay, read it. Go for it.

Okay. Hey Jason, my name is Brooke. Whoops, please don't disclose my name on the podcast if you answer this.

Oops.

Okay, I'll take it out.

No, no, keep it in. No, it's— dude, there could be millions of Brooks.

Well, that's what's kind of funny about it, is she's really secretive, but nobody knows who you are, Brooke. Yeah, and I'm from Belle Plaine, Minnesota. I love you.

Well, now they know.

All right, I'll take your name out.

Okay, no, hold on, hold on.

What? You—

I can't believe you read her location, dude. Bell Plain, Minnesota. It's literally the smallest fucking place in the world.

It is.

It's Brooke, Andy, and Sam that live there. No, fuck that. Don't read that. Don't read that anymore. Let's, let's read a different email because I love the fact that you said her name, but, um, but I can't.

But this is pretty funny.

Yeah, we'll read another one. Here, I'll read one by, by Brianna. She doesn't care that her name— she doesn't care about her name being disclosed. She's facing a problem. Her friend Delaney recently got a new boyfriend, John, and she doesn't like John. Ever since they got together, she's ignored me and never talks to me. I don't know if I should still be friends with her or even make an effort anymore. I feel like she doesn't want me anymore. What should I say? Delaney's 16, and I don't know how old John is. This is the old situation where like a boyfriend gets a girlfriend, right? Sorry, where a boyfriend gets a girlfriend. That makes me—

where your girlfriend gets a boyfriend.

Yeah, where you're— where your best friend gets a significant other. We all go through this.

I started dating Trisha, you were so upset.

Yes, I was upset, but this is a situation where her best friend got a girlfriend, so this is a little bit different.

My best friend, you.

This is a little bit different.

Go ahead, I'm listening. No, um, what wisdom do you have for them, oh great Dave1?

Listen, uh, Brianna, say 3 Hail Marys and 3 Our Fathers and John will go to hell. Um, no, I mean, no, you should still be friends with her. I feel like, Brianna, let's be real, if you found, if you found someone that you were— you're 13 years old, but if you found someone that you really liked, you ditch your to, because that's just how shit works for the first like couple weeks, right? Because you're like, you're like so in love with the person that you just met, your head over heels, that it's like there's no going back to your friends, at least for a month.

When the boy— when the guy fucks her over, it's important that you're there for her.

Yeah, well, yeah, when John is a little bitch and he breaks her heart, then you got to be there for your girl and make sure that she's— make sure that she's okay.

Yeah, you got to be a good person like that.

Yeah, 100%. Tell me about where you found yourself in difficult situations where you needed someone's help.

Well, the IRS was looking for $75,000 last year. And so I asked you to help me start a YouTube channel.

Other than that.

Oh, other than that.

When you were a kid, did you ever run into problems that you can share some wisdom onto other people?

I mean, I was an overweight child.

Of course. A child?

Sorry. And adult. Uh, so yeah, I had a lot of problems with, um, once, you know, people would just like tease me or whatever. Um, what was your question?

What's something that you learned from your childhood?

I learned that don't expect much of people.

Fuck.

Lower your expectations.

Jesus.

That's the main thing I learned.

That's the—

you'll be, you know, inevitably everyone will let you down.

Oh my God, and that's Jason.

Not everyone. My mother never let me down, but definitely my father let me down, and definitely like my friends. I, I didn't have good friends.

How did they let you down?

They, they were just out for themselves. I always felt that way. I felt like I was a very giving person, and I always felt like I gave more than you ever let anybody down other than your family. I never— other than my two kids. Yeah, by doing this podcast every week. Yeah, Daddy David's here, hurry, he's gonna yell, he's gonna yell. Yeah, I mean, I let people down all the time.

If there's someone listening right now that you've let down and you wanna apologize to them, give them a little apology.

Max, I'm sorry, you know, about the pickup basketball game last week.

Fuck, what happened?

I missed the game-winning shot and—

What was the punishment for missing?

I got kicked off the team.

For real?

Yeah, I'm not on the team anymore.

What was the team called?

The Sharks.

The Los Angeles Sharks?

Studio City.

Oh, it was very specific. Yeah, it was like a small team.

It's a league I'm in.

Yeah, yeah. And it's— and it's all men your age?

It's all women.

Okay. And how did you get on the team?

I lied. It was a woman.

Okay, well, right on.

It's all women in wheelchairs and me.

And are you in a wheelchair?

No, but these— they're like really good.

Okay, so it's fair. It's fair that you're on your legs.

Yeah.

And these— okay, it 100% makes sense.

Yeah. And they think I'm a woman.

Yeah. Guys, Cinco de Mayo just happened. Did you—

I'm on a Onewheel, actually.

OK. I'm drunk.

Don't cut me off then.

I'm sorry.

I'll back off.

Cinco de Mayo just happened.

God, you were so drunk. No, I wasn't. Yeah, you were wasted. I was the only one that knew. I knew you were drunk on Friday. I could tell. You were acting normal.

So my friends told me that they're going to a party in Vegas. And the way my life works is wherever they go, I kind of have to go with my camera because I have to document it in hopes of them getting super wasted. Um, and but how much—

really, how many times have you actually gotten good footage from that being wasted, bro?

That's the part of the game.

Once.

But that's the game.

Once or twice.

It's always 50/50. You never know what you're gonna get.

It's not 50/50, it's 95/5.

No, it's not true. Anyway, they told me they're going to Vegas to party. Um, I was super pumped. They went ahead of me one day because I had to post my vlog, so I stayed back and edited. And the next morning I hopped on a flight by myself and I got to Vegas at like 2 PM, I don't know. I got to the house where they were staying at, where the party was taking place, and the door was open, so I just walked in. I went straight to the backyard, and it was— I think it was about like— there was about 5 people in the backyard. And I go, and I go, and I go, I go, so where's the party? And they all looked at me like I was fucking insane. They go, dude, there's no party. Oh, we didn't say anything about a party. And I was like, I was like, come on, Is it later? And they're like, no, no, no, we just came here to hang out. We're just sitting by the pool.

Well, how did you get that information in your head?

Did you know for some reason I thought you're flying to Vegas, so there has to be this huge party, right? Right. Like there has to be like 800 people come into a house. But that wasn't the case.

I've gotten tired of getting older.

They were just grilling and I was so confused. And it was like 2 PM and I played a little beer pong. I played some ping pong. And then at around 4 PM, I booked a flight back. So I stayed there for 3 or 4 hours, and I booked a flight back to LA so I can get back and shoot my vlog. So I was in Vegas for like 4 hours.

And what was the best part of it?

The best part?

The actual best moment you had in Vegas? The cooking the chicken? I saw that on Instagram Stories.

My Uber driver.

What'd he say?

When I got in the car, he goes, "Spirit Airlines?" And I'm like, "Yeah, how'd you know?" He's like, "I can just tell." What? I'm like, "Oh, the cheapest airline." He thought you were trash?

I think so. That's weird.

I don't know if he was being mean or if he was actually—

What an odd thing to say.

But I was flying Spirit Airlines.

How did he know?

Because he's fucking— he's a psychic.

Maybe he just saw you were a kid. He assumed that's all you could afford.

He said he saw that I had a backpack and if I was flying— and Spirit charges up the ass for carry-ons. So he was like, you only have one bag, so you must be flying Spirit because you don't want to pay more for carry-ons. I'm like, well, I guess that kind of makes sense.

I had a nice conversation with my Uber driver today.

What happened?

He was telling me he's from Germany and he's Armenian. And he said that, uh, Germany's really racist, and he said no one's racist here. Like, he was, he was saying all these things that I was like, I wanted to hear but I didn't believe.

Germany's really— you wanted to hear that Germans are racist?

No, I wanted to hear that it's not racist here. I was like, really? That's your experience?

Oh, he said it's not racist here?

Yeah.

Oh, that's just one—

it's way better here.

That's just one guy's experience.

Pretty interesting. I was telling him about New York.

New York, by the way, German people listening, that's just one guy. Okay, so Germany's not racist. Let's make that clear.

Yeah, that was just his experience.

And America's pretty racist.

Good 15 minutes on this. Yeah, just me being really clear with everyone that we're not saying Germany's racist.

The title of this podcast is What the Fuck, Germans. Um, yeah, okay, what were you saying?

Oh, nothing. I was telling him about New York and how great New York is, and that when I lived there, it— you— that is the least racist place. New York, I think. Yeah, something about it. It's not that it's not racist, but everyone's so racist that it's not racist. No, no, everyone feels like on an equal footing there. Like, like the guy you talk to at the deli, or the guy, the cab driver, or the businessman, they just, they all feel the same. Really? Yeah, like they all kind of have the same opportunities. I think that's how I always read it.

As, as if— but in LA, it's like you have—

doesn't feel that way. Like, I could go down to the deli when I lived in New York, and the guy will be like, um, hey, I went to the opera last night, you know what I mean? And have like a full conversation with an Iranian guy who went to the opera last night. And then maybe I went to the opera too, and I've never been to the opera.

I think it's because New Yorkers have like this like confidence. I think so, yeah, where they can talk, where they— where they're so happy to be themselves, so they're, they're all— you know what I mean? Like, it's easy to have a conversation with a confident person no matter what they're working.

Yeah. And also, I think the city is so hard to live there that everybody shares that common experience of like, bro, if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. Exactly.

Mr. Jay-Z, you should go move to New York. No, I can't.

Never talk to me again.

I couldn't make it there. That's a fucking tough place.

You don't like New York?

Think about that. Like, I, I was always thinking, like, I've heard that, I've heard that statement, if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere. But like, genuinely think about like making anything in New York happen.

Donald Trump made it in New York. He's not making it.

1 in 20— he's the president of the United States. Well, he doesn't have the shittiest hand. Um, 1 in 21 people in New York are millionaires.

Is that true? Yeah, 1 in 20 in Manhattan.

Really?

Yeah.

Oh, you're being specific.

I think it's Manhattan. Yeah, I've heard that statistic before.

It's fucking unreal.

Yeah, but it's so expensive. Like, my, um, millionaires— the kids, the kids' aunt lives there, and you know, they, they do pretty good, and they have like a 2-bedroom apartment, and I think the apartment's like $3 million.

And $3 million? Yeah, fuck.

But they're not like— they're— they don't have like jobs that they're like—

what's the point of it? What's the point? Come out here in LA.

There's like a buzz. There's just like a high when you walk around the city. There's just so much to do.

Do you think that— do you think that they shop online, all the people in New York?

No.

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No, I'm just going on.

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I, I don't know.

They don't want to see us succeed.

DJ Khaled, you're right.

Let's start— let's talk about him. What the fuck? What was he— sorry, excuse my language.

Yeah, why are you swearing so much?

Sorry, we got kids.

Kids listen to this.

Do they?

I think quite a bit. Yeah, you're right, according to this email they wouldn't let me read.

Well, okay, now that you mentioned that, let's talk about DJ Khaled not eating pussy. What's up with that?

Oh yeah, I heard about that.

Sorry, that was so gross. A lot of, a lot of gentlemen don't do First of all, that's a weird—

A lot of men with big egos don't do that.

Really?

Yeah.

So you do it all the time?

Yeah.

No, it's just—

Did it this afternoon.

I don't care. I don't care if DJ Khaled doesn't do it. I don't give a fuck. But why would he say that? So explain what he said to the people listening.

Well, I didn't hear what he said, but I heard— Go ahead, you should explain.

He goes, DJ Khaled basically said that he's a king and that that a woman should perform oral on him and he doesn't do it to the woman because he thinks it's gross and, and he has to be treated like a don by his, by his queen. And he said that in an interview. How nuts is that? What was he thinking? How embarrassing is that to his wife?

Um, yeah, I mean, I, I think he's a dick.

You think?

I don't like him at all. He was awful when we saw him perform.

Well, yeah, I mean, sucked. Where do we see him perform?

We saw him perform somewhere. I'm not gonna say where, but he was— it was like, I just— I was expecting so much. I was like, oh, this guy, it was— he just— he just said the words over and over. He just would be like, get up, get up. He played the record and then he came out and he was like—

he mixes the songs, you got to give him credit.

Yeah, but why— why would you come out and perform that? It makes no sense.

It's— it's kind of like the DJ Khaled is like— is like how I picture him I can make great barbecue ribs.

I'm not gonna go out in front of 20,000 people and fucking make them in front of people.

Yeah, get up, get up, ribs! Fucking put your hands up, ribs! It doesn't—

it doesn't make any sense to me that you would want to watch him perform that because all he did was go, get up, get up, yeah, and another one.

But he made the songs, dude. It's like, so what?

So I don't need to see them live. It's like no sense.

It's like, uh, it's like, uh, uh, who wrote Harry Potter? It's like J.K. Rowling going to library and reading her book to people. Like, that's kind of cool.

No, it is. I don't think it's the same at all.

I think it's the same.

Did you enjoy it?

J.K. Rowling reading a book in a library?

No, DJ Khaled.

No, he fucking sucks, man.

All he says— why are you arguing with me?

I'm just, I'm just taking the other side. I understand. No, I don't think he sucks. I don't think he sucks. I just, I just think the comment he said was really weird.

I've heard that before from a lot of black dudes.

From a lot of black dudes?

Yeah, from like famous black dudes. I've heard them say that, like rappers.

Oh, rappers?

Yeah, they say it a lot.

Really?

Yeah.

I don't know, maybe I think it's just like an ego thing.

Yeah, well, apparently they get— well, to defend DJ Khaled, they say that, you know, that's how you can get like throat cancer and stuff.

Really?

From a woman's vagina?

Yeah, from fucking—

from oral sex.

You heard it here first.

They say Michael Douglas got throat cancer that way from hooking up with too many girls, for me eating too, um, having too much oral sex on a woman.

Get the hell out of here.

Yeah, you never heard that?

No.

Yeah, that's why he got throat cancer.

Is that true or is that a joke?

It's what he says.

He said— oh, but he says it as a joke. No, no, he said seriously.

No joke about— there's no, no joke about throat cancer. It's not a joking matter.

I was talking to someone, I was talking to someone the other day and, um, they had Bruno Mars perform at their birthday party.

Really?

Apparently he doesn't perform oral sex. No, sorry, these have nothing to do with each other. No, um, it was a different story. Um, he, um, he's— he charges a million dollars for like a 2-hour performance at a birthday party. Yeah.

No way.

Isn't that a lot?

Was it Scott?

No, it wasn't.

Was I not invited to Scott's birthday?

I told that to my assistant. She's like, yeah, that makes sense. A million dollars is a lot, right, for 2 hours? Or is that just like—

yeah, that makes sense.

It makes sense for Bruno Mars to come to my birthday party for 2 hours? A million dollars?

Yeah.

Bullshit, bro.

Yeah, a million dollars. Well, what would you pay him?

I'd pay him $350,000. You'd pay like, um, for 2 hours, you'd pay like the Dixie Chicks $350,000. What would you pay me if I came to your birthday party and I read poems?

Fucking wouldn't let you in the door.

I wouldn't be on the list. You don't think it's insane?

You not to come? Um, no, I think it sounds about right. A million dollars for Bruno Mars, the top, top, top, like, what are the top upper echelon entertainer right now? Bruno Mars, right? Is he in top 10?

He has to be.

He has to be.

He's huge. Might be top 5, maybe.

Tell me a performer who's bigger than Bruno Mars right now.

Michael Jackson.

Michael Jackson's dead.

What?

Um, maybe Taylor Swift is bigger than—

sure, Taylor Swift would probably charge up the ass. You know her, she'd be more than a million dollars.

Okay, yeah, I mean, here, look at it this way. You're Bruno Mars.

Okay, actually, you know what, give me another celebrity.

No, hang on. You're Bruno Mars.

I'm Bruno Mars.

You tore over the world. Sure, you're fucking— you're in recording studios, you're playing Brazil. Okay, so you have a night off, so there's a birthday party. You don't know this fucking person. They're like, you gotta come down to, uh, Costa Mesa, okay, and perform at this 16-year-old's birthday party. How much you gonna do that? What, that night?

$3 million?

Yeah, exactly. That sounds awful. So a million is still—

you're right. Okay, a million.

Why else would he get out of bed? He wouldn't even get out of bed for less than $1 million.

I love that phrase.

Yeah.

Like when my manager— my manager will be on the phone with somebody and like, and he'll just be like, listen, David's not going to get out of bed for less than $10 grand. And I'm like, wow, I mean, I'd fucking— I'd hop right out of bed for $10 grand, but sure. I think it's the coolest phrase.

That's a really funny sketch.

It's like the most badass. Like, listen, man, my client's not going to fucking twiddle his thumbs for $10,000. You got to put something on the table that he's going to appreciate.

If you ever get a promo from like Blue Apron or something, something that we should shoot that.

Oh yeah, if I'm on the phone with Blue Apron and we have $100,000, I go, nice fucking try, Blue Apron.

The video is literally you getting out of bed and it takes like a good 60 seconds.

Me getting out of bed for my Blue Apron. Um, no, fair enough. You want to read— you want to read another email?

Yeah, I do. Okay, I'm gonna read the one we already read.

Okay, which one is that?

From Brooke.

Okay.

Hey Jason, my name is Bleep. I love you and David's videos and podcast. I was wondering if you could maybe give me some advice.

Can I say something?

Yes.

I waited for you to read this email again, and I waited for some time to pass by, and I even said, do you want to read another email? Because I wanted you to just fucking change the name, for God's sakes. Change the name. I'm going to bleep it. No, you don't need to bleep it. I wanted you to change the name, change the name, and just read her email. You could have replaced her name. But you went right back into it, and you went, OK, I'm going to read Brooke again. Fucking shit. Just read Brooke. Goddamn it. Brooke, we're sorry. Go read her damn email.

We're ruining this girl's life.

Brooke's listening to this and she's like, we haven't even read the story yet, and she's like, please fucking don't, please fucking don't, please don't. Guys, from now on, if you send us emails, please use different names.

Yeah, don't send me.

Yeah, why would, why would Brooke go, hi, it's Brooke, but please don't say my name? Okay, go, go.

Okay, I was wondering if you could give me some advice. I'm 16, I never had a boyfriend before. I've known guys that were into me, but I just didn't feel the same about them. I'm talking to two guys right now. I won't say their names for the sake of their privacy.

There we go, Brooke. Now we're making progress.

But one of them is 18. He lives 45 minutes away. He smokes weed and I've never met him. That's—

the guy sounds cool.

I know I've probably made him sound shitty, but he's really nice and attractive. LOL. The other one I've known for a long time. He's sweet, attractive, smart, funny, and a hard worker. Anyway, even though I've known him for a while, I only realized my feelings for him about a year ago. Anyway, I guess I just wanted your input on how I know who is right for me. Thank you so much for taking your time to read and respond. Sincerely, Maggie.

Okay, so where does the other one live? Sorry, I missed the last part. I was thinking about the 18-year-old smoking weed.

It's okay. He lives 45 minutes away, smokes weed, but she's never met him.

Oh, and then the other guy—

and the other guy, he's known for a long time. He's sweet, attractive, smart, funny, and a hard worker. Are you Anyway, even though I've known him for a while, I only realized my feelings for him about a year ago. So it sounds like she's like got this like mysterious dude on the phone who smokes weed. I think people do that a lot. They're like, they, they, they paint a picture of someone, what they want them to be. Yeah, she doesn't actually know him. And then she's got the guy that she knows right in front of him. She's like, well, he picks his nose and stuff. Okay, I'm not that into him.

No, you just— you described the guy that you know a lot better than, um, than the weed smoking guy. But I know what you have to do. How old is she?

16.

Okay, well, meet the other guy, um, if it's safe. Uh, don't, don't do it if he's like—

the guy that smokes weed?

Yeah.

Why?

Because she's gonna realize how much she likes the other one.

No, she's not.

You think she's gonna like—

she's gonna get into weed.

Oh shit, she is?

I think so.

Stay away from him. Wait, I don't know. I mean, this is classic.

'Cause it's like, you know, men and women, boys and girls, they do this. You know, they have something good right in front of them and they don't see it. It's like David, he never fucking likes me. He doesn't realize how valuable I am.

I didn't realize till Trisha started taking him every fucking day how much I needed him. So maybe this is like a Trisha and Jason and David situation. And you need to—

David's the weed smoker.

You need to just, yeah, go for the guy that's right in front of you because it's a 45-minute drive and you live in Bell Plain That city sucks. Don't say where he lives. She lives. You already said it. We already said where she lives.

Brooke.

Okay, anyway, you live in a city that's really small, and if you found a special person in it, that's all that should matter. You shouldn't have to travel 45 minutes to hang out with a guy who smokes weed.

Fuck. You know this city, Bel Air.

Oh, and he's 18. That's not okay. I didn't even think about that.

Yeah, it's not okay.

Oh no, stick with the guy. The 18-year-old who smokes weed, who the fuck cares? No, that guy's a bad dude. He can be up, he can be doing some bad shit. No, screw that. I like the other guy.

How's your mansion going?

My mansion?

Yeah.

I don't like you referring to it as a mansion.

Why not?

Well, because I'm trying this new thing where I want to be a lot more humble on the videos. Too late! No, I—

What are you talking about?

I want to be— No, I seriously—

What's wrong? Did you hit your head?

Yeah, really hard actually.

You want to be more humble on the videos?

I just want to be down to earth, and if you can refer to it as a palace from now on. No, it's doing good. I've been spending a lot more time there.

How's the pool coming?

It's not. It's not coming.

What's going on?

So, we paid— let me give you guys the boringest update on the pool.

Be down to earth. Talk about your infinity pool.

Okay, so I've been wanting to build this pool for a while, right? There's this infinity pool in my backyard. That's— I mean, it's not there, but I want to. We pay these guys, um, we pay these guys— it's a lot of money, $30,000 to $50,000. Sure. To start, um, examining the soil. It's just a soils report that costs that much to fucking check the soil out, man. I can do that. I can put my hand in the soil and tell you what kind it is— mushy or wet or moist, whatever. Anyway, um, and they— and it's been 4 months and they haven't come to the house, and we don't have our money.

Um, so you don't have your specs or anything?

No. So we told them we want our money back, and they haven't returned our calls yet. Seriously, we called, we called one of the guys and he's like, can you call the other guy? I'm actually in Indonesia right now. I'm getting a transplant. And we're like, what?

Where did you find these guys, Seth? Yeah, Jesus Christ, David, I told you not— I told you to use Marnie's guy.

I know, I know, I'm fucking listening. I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. They probably took my money.

God damn it.

But we're gonna get the money back. I have, I have hired 3 assassins.

Yeah, right.

They're all dogs, but they have the fucking best noses in the world.

That sounds like a great movie.

Yeah, 3 Dog Assassins.

Yeah, look at Duke, he just perked up when he heard that.

Jason, Jason was sitting here for the first 25 minutes of the podcast, there was a piece of gum stuck to his arm. And this is every podcast we do something, he can't seem to get to the garbage to throw the gum out. He has to attach it to some fucking body part.

I'll take a gum break.

No, don't. Okay, he's taking the garbage now. You can't do that. You can't just get up in the middle of the podcast and do this.

I can. What's— what— where is everybody running to? That's what I'm so tired of. Everybody, everybody's always running. Brandon called me with a problem today.

What did Brandon call you about?

I can't even tell you because you know how secretive he is.

Okay, change his name.

Kevin called me.

Kevin said he's a small dick.

But you know, that's what I hate about young people.

Yeah, I'm sure there's a lot of things you hate about young people.

It's so annoying. Everything is the biggest deal ever.

Yeah, okay, that makes sense.

So and so gonna be there? Because if they're not, then I gotta go. I don't fucking know, just fucking work it out.

You're right.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, you call the place. You have a different outlook on life.

And you know what else I realized the other day?

Darker and shittier.

You know what I realized the other day?

That you're dying?

Yeah, inside. I took my shirt off and I looked at my stomach, and you know, it's really big. I mean, it's bigger than ever.

Sure, sure.

Literally like It's like a girthy thing going on.

Really? You know what, the biggest it's ever been?

Oh, by far, easily the biggest.

Well, congratulations.

When I went, when I, when I went sky jumping in Vegas, they had to weigh me, and it was— I, I was shocked at how much I weighed.

How much was it?

I don't want to tell you.

Come on, can I guess? Yeah, 240.

No, I don't weigh 240.

Oh, you weigh less?

Yeah, I weigh less.

Oh, 220.

Do you think Yeah, 219.

219?

Yeah.

That's not bad.

It's bad.

Yeah?

It's really bad.

What are you doing to change the weight loss?

Do you know what's really funny?

What?

And this is really unfair to all the women out there and the teenage girls that listen. It's a fucking man's world because I'm a fucking catch.

Jesus Christ.

Can you believe that? I'm 45 years old.

Did you hit your head?

No, think about it. I look like shit.

Shit.

Yeah, right?

Yeah, 100%. I agree.

Yeah, I look like shit. Yeah, I'm bipolar. Yeah, I have divorced— I have 2 kids. I live with 3 25-year-olds.

Sure.

I think Kristen's 22. I don't even know how old Kristen is. I just lie to myself and as to how old Kristen is. Like, one time I think I heard her say she was 22, and I was like, oh God, no. And I am a catch. That's— women would find me. I could still date.

100%. And why is it that you think you're a catch?

Because the— because, you know, men can be like fat and old, and women— I guess women can't. It's a double standard.

I know what you mean.

Don't you think?

Um, yes and no.

You don't think so?

I think— I think, um, I think you're giving yourself too much credit. Um, you think so? I appreciate that you think that I can— hey, I'm still sexy as fuck. It's cool, but I think— no, I mean, first of all, I don't think—

I didn't say I was sexy.

No, I think you can be a catch no matter what. It doesn't fucking matter. I mean, you're a catch, but a woman that's the exact replica of you with the same life can also be a catch. Do you know what I mean? It's just— it's how you carry yourself.

I don't know.

I think so.

You think it's how you carry yourself?

Yeah, I think it's— I think if you were dumpy about you being fat and hideous and ugly and smelly and gross and pathetic and wimpy, then it would resonate, and that'd be That's how people would view you.

Hey, look who's not humble now, me. I guess I'm the one who needs to do some work on how I appear in the videos.

No, but I mean, I think it's all about how you carry yourself. Back to the New Yorker, you know, the New Yorker working at the deli.

Right, let's bring it full circle.

He can be a slob, but if he's confident, then that's all that, that's, confidence is so fucking important. It's so important.

Yeah, you know what, this guy helped me with my Ford today. He came over and he was like the nebbish dude, He had— he was bald. He was probably like 55.

Sure.

And he said he was really confident. He came over and I almost didn't talk to him because he was so nebbishy. I went to the big— the bigger guy that was there, like the football player looking guy.

Jesus, okay.

I thought he was in charge. And he was like, no, no, no, over here. I'm Larry, nice to meet you. And then— and he was in charge. And yeah, you're right, because he said— I said, I'm going to Bali tomorrow.. And he's like, oh yeah, I've been to Bali. I've been all over the world. And then all of a sudden I was like, oh, okay, Larry's the guy. So it is, it's how you carry yourself.

It's amazing. And go to Bali. Definitely go to Bali.

Yeah.

Where are you going this weekend?

I'm going to Bali tomorrow.

I think you're gonna Bora Bora. Is it the same time?

Oh no, I'm going to Bora Bora.

You're fucking—

I don't know where to find—

you forgot where you're going.

Make sure I tell my kids the right place before I go.

Kids, I'm running down to Walgreens. Dad, you're going to Bora Bora. Oh fuck.

So we're not getting Twizzlers? I'll try to see if I can find something in Bora Bora.

I don't know, maybe call them something else here.

Um, yeah, I'm going there on Wednesday. Well, first Trisha's having a big birthday party tomorrow night. Yeah, and that David was invited to, which is good.

Yeah, wait, what's, what's the plan in Bora Bora?

I thought that was the funniest joke for weeks.

Yeah, Trisha kept telling me— his girlfriend kept telling me that she wasn't inviting me to the fucking birthday party.

Everybody but David.

But she was, she was kidding me, and she kept doing it, and it was like I was laughing at first, but then it got like so real, 'cause it was just me and Trisha in the car, and I'm like, you know what? We've been driving for like 12 minutes, there's no one here, like she has no reason to be a douche. I'm gonna ask her about her birthday party, and then out of the fucking blue she goes, yeah, everyone's coming but you. I'm like, what the fuck?

What a good joke.

It's a joke that went on too long. But yes, I ended up getting invited, thank you very much, I'm very excited. Apparently she's buying herself a car. Yeah, she— that's kind of her thing.

She— when she gets back, she's gonna get a car.

Yeah, I asked her what car she wants, and she's like, a Ferrari. And I'm like, what kind? And she's like, a red one. That's how— that's how she's gonna get a car. Um, possibly. Yeah, if there's any Ferrari and McLaren or Lamborghini people out there right now that sell cars and want to give me a good deal, hook it up. Thanks. That's— that's the only plug.

Yeah, and if there's anyone out there who rents their Ferraris, because that's David's big scheme, is to buy a Ferrari and rent it to people.

Yeah, that's my idea. I wanna— I wanna— I wanna buy a Ferrari, and I'm only gonna drive I drive it like 2 days out of the week.

So, um, yeah, email us if you think that's a bad idea.

So the rest of the days I'm gonna rent it out, but you have to be 30 and over to rent it, so I think it'll be a good—

great. So less people are around to rent it.

Yeah, so less money in my pocket. Um, but I mean, I'm excited for the birthday. What's one thing you're gonna do in Bora Bora before we end the podcast?

I'm gonna go and, uh, swim with sharks.

Really? Is that it? Is that your— is that your final?

Swim with sharks, canoe, and read. I'm gonna read your biography that you wrote.

But you're not gonna swim with sharks? That's not where you're ending it? That's not your final— that's not your goodbye?

My goodbye? Yeah. My goodbye to the podcast?

No, I'm saying Jason's tired.

No, I'm wide awake.

No, you're tired. No, I'm wide awake. No, um, no, I meant what if you get eaten by the sharks?

But then you should have said that. Um, yeah, if I get eaten by the sharks, that would suck. I do have a lot of fear of dying on vacation.

You also have a lot more meat on you than before.

So I'll be okay.

No, they're gonna want more. They're gonna call their shark buddies, and they're gonna be like, hey, oh, fucking Rick, get down here, we got a fucking good one. We haven't attacked in 12 years, but it's worth it now. We'll get a full-course meal for the next 7 weeks.

I hope— I hope they feed well on me.

Yeah, I hope the sharks are endangered. Guys, um, Views podcast is being announced soon. Um, I know we keep talking about it. There are 9 cities.

We probably should announce it today. Today is Wednesday.

This is when we're supposed to announce it.

Yeah, we're taping on Monday, guys, because I'm going to Bora Bora.

I mean, we're going to different cities. Let's just give them some. We're going to Houston.

Yeah, why don't we just read them off?

Yeah, are you just gonna give it to them like that? Yeah, let's just read it off, guys. We're gonna give you the tour dates to end it, to end this podcast and end it right. End it right. All right, hang on, drum roll please. And guys, by the— oh Buy the tickets. We haven't figured out yet who's going everywhere, like who's coming on the shows, but it'll be a good time. I don't want to give away anything.

Well, tell them a little bit about—

No, no, we're not giving away anything yet. Just the, just the dates.

All right, we've been working. You guys ready? Go get your pens and pencils.

The dates for the podcast are June 9th in Lynn, Massachusetts.

June 10th in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

Boom, boom.

Saturday, I'll be on vacation for a while. Saturday, July 7th in Denver, Colorado.

July 14th, Fort Lauderdale. July 28th, Atlanta, Georgia. August 4th, Newark, New Jersey. Newark. Newark, sorry. August 11th, Houston, Texas. August 18th, the Philippines. Just kidding, I'm not out of the country. I'm sorry, I wanted to fuck with someone that was in the Philippines. Philippines. Someone in the Philippines just fucking went, what the fuck? To one Philippines listener, one Filipino person. Um, no, I'm not allowed out of the country, but I totally would because I have Filipino friends and I fucking love Filipino people. Okay, um, yeah, August 18th, San Jose, and the final one, the final stop is August 25th at the Chicago Theater for all my Chicagoans. We're gonna be there. That's it for today's podcast. Make sure you like, subscribe, go buy our merch, tweet me @daviddobrik, tweet him @jasonnash. We'll see you guys later for a great Views podcast. My name is Jeff. I'll see you guys later. Bye.