Taking Her on a First Date

What's up guys, welcome to Views, the podcast where, uh, oh, who gives a fuck?

What world's ending, huh? Nothing. I mean, let's have a great show.

Okay, Jason's in this kind of a mood today. Thanks for coming back to the podcast. Um, now let's try this entire podcast. This is an idea. Let's do this podcast, me and you are cuddling.

Oh, I love this idea.

Let's see what emotions it evokes in our head. Here, get really close to me. No, Jay, you stay right there. Okay, Matt is positioning herself. This entire podcast, there's gonna be a lot of love. Okay, now explain to the viewers how close we are right now.

Okay, right now I have my left ear on David's right chest.

My right titty. All right, guys, get ready. This podcast is about to get real hard. Hard for me to— All right, no, no, it's okay.

Now I feel uncomfortable. I don't really want to be here anymore.

Sorry, this podcast is about to get real dope is what I meant to say. Okay, roll the intro music.

So where do we start this? I am leaving the Vlog Squad. Oh, I don't know how to say it.

And we really should have had a better name than Vlog Squad.

I remember when that name came up, you and Scott were like, we got to change it. We can change it. And I was like, yeah, sort of too late, guys. Yeah, already named.

It was like the people that watch our videos, like some of our viewers had a group chat and they named it the Vlog Squad and they started calling us that. Scott and I saw it first and we were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, what the fuck is going on? Why are they referring to us as a group? Like, like we shouldn't— we shouldn't be referred to as a group because I thought group nicknames were so lame. I was like, don't call yourself anything, just fucking be you, right? Um, so then the Vlog Squad stuck, and now everyone calls us the Vlog Squad.

I remember hearing it for the first time being like, wow, that's catchy, that sounds good. I think, I think you need to relook at it and say, you know what, Vlog Squad's not so bad.

I know, but I think—

and guess what, you couldn't come up with anything better.

Yes, that is true. Yes, you're right. But like, anything else?

Like, also, coronavirus is gonna fucking kill us all.

I don't know why we're arguing about this, so irrelevant.

Let's, um, let's about the coronavirus for a little bit.

Sure.

What is— what's going on? So here's the thing, when talking about the coronavirus, it's so timely that I feel like it's constantly changing. So if you're listening to this podcast even a week after we talk about it, it may be a completely different scenario, right? But currently the NBA just suspended the entire season, schools are canceling, Tom Hanks was— is the first celebrity that has been infected, Trump banning all flights. All flights? No, I think it's out of the country now, isn't it?

No, it's just Europe.

Oh, it's just Europe.

See, again, it's changing. Yeah, I don't know.

I mean, I'm also just making things up. You're like, wow, really? Someone's gonna listen to this podcast and they're gonna go, you know, I heard Trump banned flights everywhere. Literally, we're gonna ruin someone's life.

Don't take anything we say seriously. I mean, um, all right, don't listen to this.

Turn this off.

Um, okay, what do you think about the whole situation?

Concerned about it.

Yeah, I was reading up on like diseases and viruses and the Black Plague. Like, I know at the time was different, but it killed 25 million people, I read, which is like a third of the population in Europe at the time. 25 fucking million people.

New Rochelle, which is right outside New York. Yeah, there's an attorney there that infected like 50 people. So now they have like a 1-mile radius like that's quarantined.

When you say quarantined, is there— are there police officers?

Yeah, like the National Guard's going in.

The National Guard is there. They cannot leave or enter.

And it's just like— and the thing that's hard is like we're supposed to go to Chicago tomorrow. And like, on the one hand I want to go, and then the other hand I'm like, I don't know, things could change in like 12 hours and we just shouldn't go. Or we could get there and like, who knows what's gonna happen. So we had this huge argument today where I was like, I'm not going to Chicago. And Dave was like, I thought you were kidding yesterday when you said that. I'm like, no, I'm not kidding. Then everyone like jumped on me about going to Chicago, and then I got like really upset. I hate when fucking people grill me. Yeah, I don't know, especially when people that aren't going to Chicago start grilling me. Like, it's one thing if I understand, like Natalie's on my ass about going to Chicago because it'll make her trip better if I go. But like, when like Brandon was like, hey, why don't you go? And I was like, Brandon, we talked about this. We're supposed to fucking say anything.

I understand.

I get, I get, I get why you don't want to go to Chicago, but I also keep saying I don't think it's that bad, but I have a feeling.

What if we get stuck there? What if we can't fly back? Right.

We have to drive. We make, we make a whole journey about how—

I'm curious how far this is going to go. Like, I'm curious if there's going to be like no more gas stations, no more gas. Like, I'm curious if it's going to get to the point where it's like where it's like it never gets to no electricity, right?

That can probably run. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

I don't think it'll get there.

I think this is a little—

I think no gas is the furthest it'll go. You think it's extreme? They fucking— they canceled schools. Yeah, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, but because of the NBA. And at first it was okay, all NBA games will be held without any audience.

Yeah.

And then they went even backwards. They were like, fuck it, no NBA games.

You know, I've been around a long time, right, Dave?

Oh yeah, I've never seen dinosaur age.

I've never seen anything like this. I am—

it's crazy because why is it so extreme? I feel like I haven't heard enough about it for it to be so—

because they don't have a cure, they don't have a vaccine, and people can really start dying.

You know what I can't stop thinking about? This is making me tear up just thinking about it. Oh my God, that one scientist— because I love reactions— in the lab that's been working on this for fucking months, right? Just super late one night He's there with one of his like assistants or one of his lab partners, right? And he looks through the microscope and all of a sudden his fucking eyes widen and he goes, Jill, Jill, get over here, look in this microscope right now. Look at this.

What is it, Bob? What is it, Jill? Hang on, wait, let me finish.

Jill, Jill, look at the virus.

Hang on, I'm finishing my sandwich, Bob.

Put the pastrami sandwich on. Look, look at the— look at the virus.

Okay, fine.

Where's the virus, Jill?

It's, it's gone. The, the antibodies, they're They're not there anymore. Bob, what did you do? Bob, Bob, I've never been so turned on.

They have sex and they knock over the cure.

Jill, I married— I don't care. Um, no, but that would be cool.

But imagine how like fucking good that scientist is gonna feel when he finds the fucking cure. Like, that must be the fucking best feeling. You fucking pick the cure up and you run out of the office, be like, fucking eureka, I fucking have it.

Yeah.

And then what would you do if you were the scientist. I don't want to be the scientist. I would love to just be the scientist's friend, and I'd love to be there. Like, I'd love to just, like, just be, like, a part of that.

I'd love to just film it.

I would love to film it. Oh my God, I'd love to film. And guys, if you're a scientist and you found out the, um, and if you're really close, please let me know to finding this cure. How long do you think it's going to be till they find the cure?

Please let me know.

Oh, don't ask me. I don't fucking know. You want me to just take a guess? I heard 6 months today, and then I, I heard 2 years last week, and then I heard 6 months today.

So I told Taylor to go to the grocery store because I was like, go buy water bottles because I have a feeling everyone's just going to fucking snatch them up. There's going to be no water bottles soon. So I was like, just go buy all the water we can get, get like the filtration system, whatever. How was the grocery store?

Everyone was standing in a circle surrounded by just a pile of the last waters and there was like 5 left. And I was just looking at all of the other people staring at them. And then I took the 5 and I ran.

Wow. Why were people staring at them?

Yeah, Taylor. Taylor tells that story in such a weird way.

She told me that quick enough.

Yeah.

What do you mean they were staring at them?

They were— I mean, like, because everyone was like waiting and we're all standing there like, are you gonna grab the last ones or am I gonna grab the last ones?

You're like being polite.

So like, I felt bad for taking like the rest, but then I kind of was just like, I gotta—

out here at the Ralph's grocery store.

And doesn't, doesn't the— doesn't the coronavirus make you like— it makes me really take stock in like the last couple years and like how good things have been going for us. I mean, and then you're like, fuck.

I mean, for anybody, I always think like, as fucked up as the world is and as like horrible things that are going on, like, it's still fairly— I don't know. I hate saying this because there's always somebody listening that goes, really? It's not that great over here. But like, everything could be a lot worse. Everything could be fucking a lot worse.

It's about to get worse.

You think?

It's definitely going to get worse before it gets better.

David just did the shittiest thing he's ever done to me, guys. I just told David and Anna they should not go to Chicago. I was 100% genuine and honest.

Manipulate.

He goes, This is a manipulative tactic that I use on people.

It's so manipulative. You know, you shouldn't even do that.

It's like I will stop caring about you then. 100%. I'll stop caring.

I've literally—

I'll turn off all my feelings.

I think there is something dangerous coming. I think there is too much activity going on. Does that sound like a maniac? I think that with like I think there's so much information being shared so quickly and so many people are like responding to it, right? I think somebody's— something's gonna combust. Something's gonna happen. Like, like even with like TikTok now, it's like everybody now, even fucking 7-year-olds are communicating with the rest of the world. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah, like I feel like 50-year-olds are on TikTok.

Yeah, like it's fucking crazy. Everybody now has a fucking— has this voice and I don't know, I, I, I'm very scared by it. There's something that like, I don't know if there's gonna be a correction or something's gonna happen. It's gonna get really weird. It's, it's either— it's gonna get really funny.

I'm so freaked out about coronavirus because in my mind I'm like, oh, did someone make this? Right, the thinning of our society.

Well, here's the thing I don't get about coronavirus, not to go back to it, but like, we don't know if it's like maybe it kills you in 3 years, you know what I mean? Yeah, maybe you have it, it goes away, but then it fucking comes back because it's always in your body. And then it kills you and your head blows up in 3 years. Exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or you have the coronavirus and that means the zombies that are already out there can smell you.

Oh my God. I've never thought of that. That's a pretty good movie. That's a pretty good movie idea.

Damn good movie.

Like everyone got coronavirus in 2020. No one thought anything of it till 2022.

Dave, how's your relationship with Natalie going these days?

Oh my God, I fucking hate her. No, it was funny though. Natalie went to go get a checkup. Yeah, um, she had the flu, the regular flu, and I came home and I saw a doctor's note on my fucking door that was basically said that Natalie cannot work for the next couple days. Yeah, and it was signed by the doctor.

And then I went home that night and I saw she posted two new TikToks.

You have a TikTok?

Yeah, it's like she, she put that note on your door and I was like, good for Natalie standing up for David, right? I was like, good for her. I was like, you know what, she's she needs to rest. And then I went home that night and there was like TikToks of her like getting her hair done.

I was like, oh, she's just a brand deal. They were all—

they were all TikToks.

Um, they were good TikToks.

But yeah, the doctor told me that she was gonna— she was like, do you work? And I was like, yeah, just like every day. And I was like, yeah, every day, like really hard, you know. It's just like really strenuous, stressful.

My favorite was Natalie posted a picture on her Insta Stories. She has a new TV in her room, so she posted a picture of the TV like, this is nuts. But I saw that and she included the corner of her computer with an email open. And I responded and I was like, nice try. Did you purposely take that picture so I could see in the corner of your screen that your email's open so I know you're fucking working?

And it wasn't for David. It was for the general public because it was like a Monday afternoon. I don't want people to be like, why is she sitting in bed watching TV? Why is she not doing work?

Completely manipulative.

100%.

So the both of you are completely manipulative. Is that what you're telling me?

The way you're saying it's really funny.

It's hard. I'm having a tough time with that.

So both of you are malagloblachure. You guys are— you got me on that. You guys are—

you say it, you say it.

Manipulative.

That's good.

Thank you.

You said it.

So you guys are both manipulative.

Manipulative. It's— I can't say it. How was that, not having some time away from Dave?

It was so nice. And I know David— it was a day that we were posting the vlog too, which is one of the most stressful days of the week. And I know David was having a tough time, and I didn't hear a single peep.

I didn't text her. I didn't come in.

He didn't text me.

He didn't call me.

He didn't say my name. Thank you. No, I didn't even say her name.

I didn't even yell my name once.

You know what? I was here. And he didn't. I know, dude, you're right.

I want to—

because I didn't want to get the fucking flu.

Yeah, it wasn't because he was trying to be nice.

No, it's you.

You're growing up.

But Natalie, let's be honest. Like, yeah, cool. A day apart with me was like, dope. But like, would you be able to do a week?

I mean, yeah, I've done it before.

No, I know. But where would you go crazy? Where would you be like, okay, I kind of miss David. 7 years. 7 to 10. Our high school 10-year reunion is where I would like to see you. And that's about it. Like, I feel like it would take me, honestly, like, it'd take me like a month to miss you, but like really miss you, you know what I mean?

Like, I'm already planning what I'm gonna do without you when you go to Chicago. I don't know, I was thinking about on the drive over, I'm like, it's gonna be so great when he's gone.

I mean, I won't make any money, literally, but Jason has the best time when we're not here. From now on, so backwards.

From now on, I'm gonna say we're leaving just so Jason makes these fun plans, and then I'm gonna be like, boom, bitch, I'm still here. And then so then when he goes out in the middle of the night and gets drunk like he normally would, I'd just fucking drive, bro. Crazy thing happened.

What happened?

Well, first off, let me, let me tell you what the tennis thing, the less crazy thing.

No, no, no, no. Tell me the crazy thing.

I just thought this was weird. I was playing tennis and as I'm practicing, like, you know, the courts are closed. It's one court. Yeah, it's one court per fence.

Yeah.

So we close the fence so the tennis balls don't leave. A kid comes in and he goes, can I have a picture with you as I'm hitting balls? I thought that was the strangest thing. I was like, this is probably the worst time. You're like mid-practice.

Oh, that's so funny.

You don't think that's true?

No, but I know why you're saying that, because you like— you hold tennis in a certain regard.

Oh, okay.

But I get it. But—

but I guess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was—

that was like my me time.

Yeah.

Oh, I guess that was like me having dinner with my family.

Yeah.

Yeah, I get it.

But I could totally see that.

The other day someone asked me as I was peeing to ask for a picture. Oh, I don't know. It was weird. And then I— and then I changed in my car. I was leaving tennis and I was so sweaty. I changed my pants and my shirt and everything in the car. And this kid walks up to my car, like, as I'm changing in my front seat, and he walks into my car. Oh, oh, shit. I'm so sorry. Is this a weird time? And I was like, I was like, it's fine, man, whatever. And he goes, if it's not too awkward now, can I ask for a picture? And I was like, it wasn't awkward till you fucking said it was awkward. So I took a picture with him. We had a shoot here at the house. I thought this was fucking crazy. This girl came over and it was a full staff came here for the shoot. And she was like, I'm actually like, I live 20 minutes from your hometown. This girl told me, I was like, oh cool, where? And she's like, I live in Lincolnshire. And I was like, oh cool, cool. Yeah, I play tennis right there. And she's like, yeah, I actually played. I played at Stevenson High School. I played at the high school next to your high school. I was like, oh no way. Yeah, I played at those courts sometimes. I was like, where did you practice? And she's like, Lincolnshire. And I was like, oh, I played at Lincolnshire sometimes. And then I was like, who's your coach? She's like, Russ. And I was like, Russ was my coach. And then, and then I go, I only remember one. I only remembered like one person from that class because I had a crush on that girl. So I was like, all I remember from that class is Kimmy. And she goes, I'm Kimmy. I was like, what the fuck? The girl that was on the shoot the entire time, I didn't know, was the girl I had a crush on in my tennis class. You didn't recognize back in my hometown? No, I didn't recognize her. Right when the words Kimmy came out of my mouth, I was like, oh my God, I'm fucking talking to her.

Wow.

Like, I didn't even think about it. It's so crazy. What a small town, like, small world situation. But it was so crazy because, like, she didn't remember me and I didn't remember her that well because we never really interacted because she was so much better. Right? Like, she was like one of the best in the state, like a really, really good tennis player, and I was like a level below her. So the coach would always send her to a separate court and then he'd like coach the rest of us. So like, we never really interacted, but it was so crazy seeing her in my house. Yeah, like 6 years— 6, 7 years later.

Yeah, that is wild.

What a bizarre thing. I do this thing where I put my phone up and, and I record me playing tennis because I'm like waiting for like the coolest, craziest shot, but I still haven't gotten it. It's It's been 3, 4 days playing tennis.

What do you do?

I put my phone up like on like a stand and I just record me playing tennis for like the full hour.

Oh, to hope that you get something good?

Yeah, but nothing.

What are you hoping to get? You just connecting?

Well, no, like sometimes I do like cool trick shots, but like I never hit them. Like I spin around. I sound like a fucking toddler. You should see me. I spin around.

And by the way, it's— I'm not playing anybody. It's just the ball machine.

And it's pretty embarrassing because sometimes it'll just go straight at my head. No, but yeah, I don't know. I've been having a lot of fun playing tennis. It feels really nice.

Yeah, good.

Guys, we have a— we have Madison. Did you just sniffle, Madison?

Actually, one of the coronavirus symptoms is not a runny nose.

So yes, it's a dry nose.

Dry nose.

See, I know this too, my friend.

Good. I'm glad. Right.

So friendships are being broken apart here. Madison is actually pretty impressive. She knows— you know a lot about the coronavirus.

I wouldn't say a lot. I think I just try to keep up with like facts because yeah, you're good at knowing facts. Yeah.

Yeah. So you came in here and you started blabbering a bunch of facts. You're just like, you just blasted them all off. Give me some of the updates.

Well, I mean, we have, we have way less hospitals and hospital beds and room in the US than Italy does. And they're on a full lockdown right now. And I think people need to just take that into account. 3 weeks ago, there were barely any cases in Italy and now they're on a full-blown lockdown. People are barely even allowed to leave their houses. All supermarkets are empty. And I just think that the US is likely to have something similar happen. It's an airborne virus that could—

it is airborne.

It is airborne.

Yeah, I've seen that it can live on metal for up to like 10 hours.

Yeah, no, 5— up to 5 days.

5 days?

Yeah.

So this is— fire is getting stronger.

And there's also a rumor that there's heat. There's rumor that there's people saying, well, if you go to a warm climate, it completely kills the virus. That's also not true, because if that was true, wouldn't they just stick everyone who's infected in a sauna for 20 minutes and be like, oh, the virus is gone? It doesn't live as long. It shortens the lifespan of that.

I think they're saying when the virus is out and about in heat.

Yeah, but no, it doesn't kill it completely though. It just shortens like the life— did you just Cough, my guy? Was that a cough? No, sorry, just clearing my throat. Yeah, David has a dry cough, a fever, and he's very fatigued at the moment, so.

I actually have a very wet cough, thank you.

You have a very wet cough.

I'll cough right on you and you'll feel the saliva.

But my point is that I think everyone just needs to take it seriously and be clean.

Right, I get it.

Stay at least 6 feet away from people, don't go in crowds.

And there's a whole thing about how a lot of kids, I will say, I said this myself, I was like, I don't care if I get it, I'll be fine. It's not about you. It's about the older people that you're going to infect, like our buddy Jason. We're both like our buddy Jason. Well, Jason, I thought it was 70 and up people, like people are like bad. So like 40, but apparently it's 40 and up. Thank you, Madison Beer.

You're welcome. Now let's play Hot Seat.

What's Hot Seat?

Yeah, let's play Hot Seat.

It is when you put someone in the hot seat, you can ask them anything, like crazy questions. Yeah, honestly.

Really, David?

I'm an open book, dog.

David, how, how long have you been in love with Madison?

5 months. Oh, Jesus.

5 years would have been more accurate. Oh, when you first saw me on the gram.

What the fuck does that mean? Yeah, whatever. I fell hard.

Well, don't you love Jesse Eisenberg?

I do.

Yeah, he's like the best, the coolest nerd in the world.

Sure.

Yeah, he's just, he's just cool. I think it's everything for characters. Like, Matthew Gray Gubler is dope, but like, his character in Criminal Minds is who I fall for.

Madison loves Rick and Morty.

She— Jason has a character called Carmelita. It's a, it's a, it's like a It's a prostitute, basically.

Interesting. So other side of the spectrum.

Does that sound— is that something that makes you—

if it's an intellectual, then you never know. She could be.

Carmelita is not the most intellectual, but it is a really good character that he does.

Thank you so much, David. It's good to be here.

What is your biggest turn-off? Uh, like, what's a deal breaker?

People who are really arrogant and people who lie. I hate liars. Yeah.

I think David's arrogant.

Uh, I think he can be, but I don't think he's an arrogant person. No, I think he can— he can definitely, like, show some arrogant Qualities that you're not— like I said earlier, I said earlier that David has like 6 moods, and I could come in and I could be okay, he's in mood 2, he's in mood 5. There are so many.

That is really interesting that you—

there are definitely multiple.

Like, tell me some of the moods.

Okay, so like mood 3 is what I said he was in before, is when he's like super energetic and he's in his like quirky kind of like I'm gonna make a bunch of jokes and be goofy and silly mood, which is my favorite David.

Yeah.

And then there's like mood 1 where he's really introverted and he's on his phone and he's not talking to anybody, and he'll probably go to his room before midnight and like just not want to speak to anyone. He's not so And then there's mood describing a crazy person.

But yeah, basically he only speaks in Spanish.

No, but you have a lot of different moods. And I was— yeah, I was basically saying that he has multiple moods and multiple personalities.

Yeah. It also depends like how I wake up, when I wake up, like what I'm feeling.

Like sometimes you had just napped. He had just taken a nap.

Yeah, I'm a little bit energetic now. Like I'm ready to go. And Madison walked in and Madison always wears like the nicest sweatsuits. Like they always look like she's like going to the most fancy, like, sleepover ever. Yeah, I don't know.

And it just puts me And what does that do to you?

Well, she looks so comfy and I go, we're having a sleepover, and I start bouncing up and down on the back.

That's genuinely what happened. I just get so excited throwing pillows at me. What's your biggest turn-off?

My biggest turn-off?

I think David are just on our first date right now on the podcast. That's really what's happening.

Biggest turn-off? I don't like when people aren't good at like reading the room, like I just don't pick up on social cues.

Yeah, well, that's very annoying.

It's a very annoying trait that like, like one of the scariest things I could imagine, like bringing a girl to your friends and then the girl saying something that's like super uncomfortable and like double it, and like doubling down on it where your friends are looking at you and giving you weird looks, right? Like, that's how you know it's not— like, when you, you know, when the girl you're with sure is like, is making your friends uncomfortable, that's like a big turn off.

I feel you.

Or, I mean, this is like a more general turn off, but like washing your hands. I think it's so important to wash your hands. I'm not just saying this.

I literally texted myself, my friends today. I was like, we should all take a bath and hand sanitizer. Like, whoa, okay, that's so true.

Texted your friends, let's all take a Yeah, right off.

Enhanced.

Okay, can't breathe anymore. Um, do you think size matters?

This is crazy. No, I honestly told me to ask you whatever.

You don't?

No, I think that what matters is chemistry and passion and how you feel about a person. I'm being so genuinely serious.

Do you think that there's only one person out there for you, or you think you could fall in love with multiple people?

I think you could fall in love with multiple people. I think that there's probably like one person you could have like a I don't know. I think your first love will always kind of like hit different, right? At the same time, I don't really know.

What's your relationship like with your parents?

My relationship with my parents—

you ever tried anal?

My parents is good. It's gotten weird over the past few years, I think, because as you get older, you start to realize that they're just people who like have their own shit and their own issues. And that's a little scary.

That is so scary. That's exactly what I'm realizing now, for real.

Because growing up, you're like, these are just like, this is my mom and my dad, and like they don't have problems and they know everything. And like, if I come to my mom with an issue, she'll be able to solve it. Whereas now, like, my mom comes to me with issues and I'm like, yeah, that's so—

that's weird.

I'm just like, that's such a weird realization.

You're so right.

It's so weird. I hate it. Me and my dad have always kind of had a weird relationship. We like didn't speak for a while. We kind of always have been like weird with each other, but he's— it's just because we have like a lot of differences. But again, as I've gotten older, I've just learned that like he's a 50-something-year-old man. I'm not gonna change him now. I'd rather like have our life—

you know what that feels like?

Be fine.

You know what that feels like? It feels like watching Disney movies and you're in love with them, and then you go see how a Disney movie is shot, right? And then it's just like all the magic is gone.

Smoke and mirrors is gone. The curtain's been lifted, and you're like, what this.

I don't leave any of that magic to my kids. I tell them all my problems.

Well, yeah, I mean, you're a special case that has— No, but I totally agree. Like, like, I just recently have— I found out that, like, oh wow, my parents have, like, regular problems that I have. And like, it totally breaks, like, a wall where, like, you thought your parents were these, like, magical—

When you're, like, in the house with your parents growing up, you're just like, oh, my mom and dad are down the hall. If someone were to come and try to kill us, they'd save me and it's all good. Whereas, like, now I don't know if my parents would be able to save me.

Like, I'm going to be— I'm going to be a dad at one point.

Yeah.

And I hope my kid doesn't trust me and fucking protecting him when someone breaks in the house. No, I know he's gonna think that he's in good hands, but fuck no.

No, but when you're a parent, you, you can protect your kids because something kicks in.

You think?

Yeah, there's like definitely an instinct.

Someone told me once, I was before I had kids, and I was like, what's it like having kids? And, uh, he goes, well, you see that swimming pool? Because we were by a swimming pool. And I go, yeah. He goes, now imagine there's a bunch of sharks in there and your, your baby fell in. Like, you'd, you'd go in to the sharks. And that's— he's absolutely right, 100%. You're right.

That, that does sound like it'd be like—

but like, whereas if David fell in to the sharks I wouldn't necessarily jump into the pool to save you.

Something clicks in. Yeah.

Yeah. You would definitely kill or be killed for your child, I think.

Yeah, you would.

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My skin.

You want it to be worse?

No, I, I like struggle with acne all the time and I just— it just really annoys me. Well, right now it's fine. Right now it's fine. But it like spikes up out of nowhere before I get my period and it just makes me like feel really insecure.

And it's like, what's your favorite part of your period?

Good.

Come again?

Uh, what's your favorite part of yours, David?

Eating a bunch of chocolate. Oh my God, wait, are we just becoming best friends?

There's so much in common.

Do you mean externally, what would I change about myself, or internally, like as a person?

Both. Either, either.

But I mean, yeah, I mean, I, I think literally like acne is just very annoying. Um, but I think internally I would probably— I wish I didn't have to feel like I had to constantly prove myself to people. I feel like people always assume that I'm not smart and that I am very shallow and not kind.

That sucks. That's, that's the—

that's the exhausting—

it's the downside of being super sexy.

It is, honestly. It is. It sounds conceited, but it genuinely isn't. It's really— it's unfortunate. And I've watched like a lot of Megan Fox interviews, and she's talked about this for years, and she's like, it's, it's really great. People think I'm super hot, dope, but like, that is such a stereotype. It's just not a choice. Like, I didn't choose to look the way I do. I don't— like, my parents made me, and this is how I look. But like, the surface only goes so deep, and I just think that like, I know that I'm genuinely such a good person with a big heart, and like, I think that I'm smart, and I think that I'd like care about people. And I have like— I just think I have much bigger and better morals and values than just my looks. So it upsets me that I think the emphasis is more put on my—

I try to—

yeah, that's the toughest part about like, it's just annoying.

It just gets really tiring.

Me being one of the best looking YouTubers, it's like tough for people to understand that there's more to me than just my looks and the videos actually have substance. No, but genuinely, I used to have like really good looking guy friends in school too, and every time everybody thought they were complete fucking idiots.

Yeah, they're like, oh, that guy's a douchebag, he's not smart. But like, then you get to know them, you're like, actually, that's crazy.

It's like, I'm just trying to come up with questions.

You thought about getting here cut.

I was actually thinking his hair looks like better than usual.

David, have you ever taken Madison on a date?

I have not.

Why not? I don't understand. You guys get along so good. I mean, this is a slam dunk here, the two of you.

Where would we go?

That's your job.

Thank you, Jason.

Figure that out.

This is—

this is okay. Here's my ideal first date.

Tell me if you make TikToks in your bathroom.

Yes, that is his definite ideal first. If that's his first date, we've been on plenty.

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Here's an ideal first date. We go, we go on a canoe ride.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Biggest water sports person ever.

Never been on a canoe, nor will he ever go on a canoe.

I will go.

I actually— fun fact about me— when I was on sleepaway camp, I took a canoe over to the boys camp in the middle of the night on the lake with no lights, tried to go hang out with the boys, and then I got kicked out of camp and I'll never be welcome back.

Yeah, you went by yourself?

Yes, took a— stole a canoe by yourself across Brant Lake to go to the boys camp because I was just trying to be a little a little flirt.

Okay, but where'd you get caught? Like, before—

in the middle of the lake. They drove up on a speedboat and they were like, excuse me.

No, you didn't. Yes, you did not get caught in the middle. There's no way you got caught in the middle of the lake.

Why is that no way?

You know where you got caught? You know where you got—

there's like patrol people on lakes.

Can I tell you exactly where you got caught?

Where?

You got caught like at the door of your cabin where you're about to leave, and then you explained to them what you're doing. But over the years, in the canoe, you have made that story better, and you're all—

you're believing it. Maybe. Honestly, that's a possibility.

Over the years you've lied to yourself about the story?

Maybe 12 years old, right?

Right.

There's no way you got caught in the middle of the lake.

My memory says that I was literally rowing my fucking boat and I got like pulled over by the canoe people.

That's just too good of a story to be real.

Damn. Okay, well, I guess, uh, my memory is just—

your parents have to come get you?

Oh yeah, I was like kicked out of the camp. I can't even go back and like sleep like on visiting trips.

Who was this boy that you were seeing and how was he so—

well, so we had social girls, and the boys would come over to like on their buses and they would hang out with us. And I was hanging out with a group of them and they were like, you should come to the boys camp later tonight. And I was like, honestly, I'm down. Like, we weren't gonna do anything, we were 12 years old, but it was just more like, you know, being flirty and whatever. And I got in the middle of the night on a canoe and I fucking canoed my ass across the lake. It's very close. You're picturing like an ocean. Like, it was like a very small little lake.

I don't know, man. Okay, it's a little suspicious to me.

Okay, why don't you believe her?

Why would she make that up?

She wouldn't make it up. But, but I have—

I literally can like call 0.05. They will say that Madison Beer is not allowed on— maybe, maybe you're right.

Maybe it was not as dramatic as I have stories exactly like that where like over the years I've added little bits to it and now it's my truth. Like now I don't know the story in any other way.

That could be true.

I feel like I embellished some of those stories. So, um, do you want to go on a date?

Oh my God, are we gonna go canoeing?

Yeah, I mean, whatever you want.

I don't know, you have to plan this.

What is a date? Listen, really, I was thinking about this, like, what is a date? Yeah, right.

Do you not know what a date is?

No. Madison, explain to me what a date is.

Uh, I, I think a date can be many things. I think a date is a romantic—

I mean, sounds like she wants to go canoeing, bro.

Yeah, dude.

Who are you texting right now?

Uh, no one. Um, okay, so it sounds like we're going canoeing.

I'll go on a date with you. Yeah, I will.

Don't say it like that.

No, it's not a chore.

All right, Jason convinced me.

Are you gonna film film it?

Of course he's gonna fuck.

Am I allowed to film it?

Next vlog title is literally gonna be I Take Madison Beer on a Date.

Do you want— do you want to click on that? Can I film it, or is it like weird? No, right? If it's—

now, Madison, as a girl, when he like starts to like talk about a date and then he goes, by the way, can I bring my camera and film this shit? Does that like turn you off?

I think it makes it disingenuous for sure.

Yeah, really?

Yeah, that's how his mother feels.

Okay, no, I— okay, I'm only saying that I bring my camera because like, I think there's moments you can capture, especially because we already have like a public friendship.

But I think that like, right, I'd never bring my camera on a date with a random girl.

That's what I was gonna say. I was like, the only reason I bring a camera with you is because you're just my friend.

And there's also a lot of like every single conversation.

Are you playing a part right now? You're literally the most romantic person I know. No, I'm just like, he is so romantic. Oh my God. Yeah, like if he's into somebody, he'll like get flowers. He'll be like, Jay, get the fuck out of here. I'm gonna see this girl. Like, hold on, timeout, timeout, timeout. You are very romantic.

I've never— I didn't know that.

I'm not playing a part right now. The camera—

I mean, you're playing dumb.

Oh yeah, I'm only saying the camera because she's my friend. Or do you like want me to take her on a proper date?

Yeah, I think I do.

I think you can bring the camera. I'm fine with that.

Oh, so what are you—

here, are you— no, but I'm saying that like, I know you, I know you, you would bring flowers, you would have like wine and cheese.

I wouldn't do that.

I do something special. I'm like, I cannot picture David.

No, I wouldn't do that. I, I do cute stuff in my own way, but I would not do like wine and cheese.

Oh, okay.

Especially because David and I both Both are sober. Like, yeah, so the wine would be emptied into the ocean.

It has to be something that I like. Like, I'll build— like, I'll build a fort. You like forts?

Pillow fort? Like a blanket fort?

Yeah, I'm not stupid. What kind of other fort would you have?

What?

Yeah, yeah, like, I'll do it.

Tough because the ground is hard, huh? Forts are tough.

Yeah, and we can get one of my little star projectors that I have in my room.

No, but I would get a bunch of— I would get a bunch of blankets.

Yeah, make a huge—

what do you expect out of a first date?

I expect nothing. And I think the only dates that I've ever actually thoroughly enjoyed have been ones like that, that are actually like fun and are things that I enjoy doing. Like, interesting.

At the end of—

like, going to dinner is great and all, but like, it just gets boring and I'm just like, let's do something fun.

Yeah. Would you rather prefer like a drive-through? Like, we go get something like fast and then we go out?

Or like, do you go out like clubbing or something?

No, no, no. Like, go out and do an activity? Or would you rather want to go like to a sit-down dinner like Olive Garden?

No, I'd rather probably do like an activity.

Do you think Madison fucking Beer wants to go to Olive Garden?

I was waiting for that, man. I would rather build a fort and and put a star projector in there and play hot seat.

I'd rather eat a fort than eat at Olive Garden. Yeah, I'd rather eat the pillows in the fort than sit at Olive Garden with you.

What's your ideal date, David?

I think it's canoe.

You like the canoe?

Yeah, if you ever see me out on a—

on—

in the ocean with a girl and she's in a canoe, just know that she's the one. Because, um, there's something about a canoe that's like, it's only you two. You guys are stuck on this little thing in the middle of the water and you have to figure it out. You have to like talk together and like figure out how to do it. And like there may be an accident where maybe someone falls in the water, and then it's all cute, and it's like, it's all so cute, and the only, only fun things can come out of it. And imagine if it starts pouring, like even more fun. Like it's just like so hilarious. Like there's— I think canoes are just the best.

Madison, do you have somebody that you have your eye on right now?

Not really, no.

Wow.

My music.

It's incredibly—

just your music.

Convenient how we're both just super single.

My— yeah. Are you open to dating I'm never the kind of person who's like, I refuse to have— if something comes that I feel like is right, then I'm never opposed to it. But at the same time, I'm not like particularly looking for anything, right?

That's how I am.

I don't think looking for things is healthy. I think it's how you get yourself in a bad situation because you have false feelings for people when you're like avidly looking for a boyfriend.

Interesting.

Yeah.

And how does it— see, what I never understood is how people date somebody. How do people date somebody and they only date them for like 2 months?

Yeah, that's never— I've never had a short-term boyfriend.

Yeah.

Like, if I want to date somebody for, like, a long time, like, the only, like, serious girlfriend I've had was, like, Liza, right? And, like, I guess I did date somebody for a month, but you guys were together for what, like, 3, 3 years? Like, 2, 2 and a half.

Yeah. See, Jack and I were together for almost 4, and then my ex and I were together for 2 and a bit. And then I did date someone for, like, 3 months.

Yeah.

But that was also not a— like, that never felt like a real relationship. We were going out together and we were, like, hooking up and, you know what I mean? Like, it's like— it's like there's just a difference when you're in an actual committed long-term relationship versus like a thing for 2 months.

With Liza, it took me a couple months just to be like, okay— and took us both a couple months to be like, yeah, let's date. Like, we, we have to really get to know each other, be comfortable with each other.

Yeah.

And that's why, like, I don't understand the people that like date someone for like 3 months. Like, shouldn't you have already known it wasn't going to work?

Yeah, I agree.

How are you 3 months in and you're realizing so soon that this person isn't the right fit for you? Like, that's—

well, when you're desperate— not that you are or Madison is, but other people, sometimes they want— they want to try things and say, oh, maybe this will work.

All right.

You know?

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

I feel like going on two dates with somebody or like kissing someone twice, I would know that they weren't for me. Like, I also have a very, like, intuitive personality where I feel like I'm just good on picking up on, like, who I click with and who I don't.

Well, listen, I'm down to clown.

I'm on Amazon right now, David. I found a canoe. Oh, you really want me to get it?

Yeah, sure.

It's $269. $269.

Madison, can you split this?

How much do canoes go for these days?

Madison, can you fund me for this canoe? All right, guys. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Madison, I have to go.

And we have some canoeing to do.

You guys want to see David and Madison go on a canoe date? Tweet David, tweet Madison. Let them know, because I'd like to see it. I think it's pretty cute.

I'll go on a date with Madison. Like, I know I'm not just saying that like in like a— in like a, oh, I have to. But that'd be pretty interesting to get to know Madison.

I think, you know, I'm pretty—

I can tell that she's interested in you.

Are you interested in me?

You know, I've had a crush on you. Let's not— let's not have to revisit this, right?

He's asking. I think—

yeah, I think we've all known that.

The last time she was on, she— I got the feeling that she had a crush on you, but it was over it. But now she just said she still does.

I, I think—

just curious if it's, you know, if this light is still on.

Yeah, I mean, I think, I think with having crushes on people, I think like I had a crush on Madison, like a huge crush. I mean, I, oh, you know, I talked about that, but I don't think that's anything that like ever goes away. I think that's like, that can be like, yeah, relit. It's like a candle, you know, you could blow it up, but you can relight that bitch at any moment.

Yeah, but like, until you're until the wick is gone.

But like all candles, the wick does disappear.

Exactly. That's why this—

but then you can pour the wax all over your hand and it's even more fun because now you're ready to go out.

Now we got sexy time.

I don't know why you like this guy.

I honestly— my brain is wired very strange.

Wax all over you?

No.

Oh, like that movie Fifty Shades?

No, I saw it in Wolf of Wall Street.

Wolf of Wall Street, where he's—

where? Yeah, where she's pouring— no, she's pouring wax all over his back. What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done in the bedroom? David, you said I could say whatever I wanted. You literally said—

I don't know.

What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? Why don't you answer first, then she'll answer?

She said she wants to be in the hot seat, not me. I was never like, I want to be in the hot seat. I'll tell you what the kinkiest thing I've ever done.

Let's fucking hear it.

I dressed up as a dinosaur.

I fucked toddlers.

I put peanut butter all over my body.

Did you eat it? Not—

No, I obviously did not.

I was like, you're perfect. I love peanut butter. I put— I put jelly all over my body. She puts peanut butter all over my body. We just jump on each other.

Ew. That is so gross.

That is fucked up.

Now, didn't you guys make Jonah the peanut butter baby once?

Yeah, we did.

Amazing.

The kinkiest thing I've ever done. I don't know.

David doesn't know what the word kinky means.

That is so wrong.

It's very offensive to the BDSM community to use the word kinky.

Okay, what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? Fucking queen of kink. Tell you.

Yeah, because you know what actually is a fun fact? It's when to talk about a sexual experience you've had, you should have consent from both people who partake in it to talk about it.

Okay, you can tell. You can tell people what we did.

We did.

I don't care.

What did we do? Maybe go to fucking iPic at 10 minutes before it closed. You can get fucking chicken tenders or whatever you like to eat from there.

And then David wants to leave 20 minutes.

Spring rolls. Spring rolls. And then literally made us leave 15 minutes in. We ditched Jason. That was super hot.

Yeah, that was super hot.

Super hot.

Listen, we don't have to get into the kinks because Madison doesn't want to share, and I know she's not a kinky person. The kinkiest thing I've ever done.

I'll tell you right now. Sexual questions to ask me.

Literally, that's what you wanted.

No, hot seat is not just—

That's what you wanted. Okay. If you could, you could change one thing about David, what would you change?

What the fuck?

That's fucked up that I had that question in my head. I was like, I don't want to know.

I would—

Here it is. It's going to be some bullshit thing.

No, I actually don't know. I would— I don't think there's a lot of things I would change because it's more like an umbrella thing about him. I feel like he's very genuinely was such a good person. And I think that the way you portray yourself on— I think you put too much pressure on yourself, and I wish that you took some of that pressure off, because I think that when you don't put as much pressure on yourself, that's when you get the best shit. I wish you also valued the people who are around you who actually like had your back and wanted you to succeed more. I think sometimes you get very like caught up, or like not caught up, but you get excited over people who genuinely don't care about you. Whereas like Jason's even said with me, he's like, the reason I love Madison is because she genuinely like wants you to shit. She wants to get content. She wants you to film the podcast. She wants you to do things right. Like, you don't— you don't have that many people around you that do that other than like your very close circle. And I wish sometimes you took a step back and you appreciated those people more.

She wants you to appreciate her more, I think. Yeah, I know for a fact that he appreciates us.

Yeah, yeah. But he doesn't appreciate you enough, which is fair sometimes. I think he was I think you, like, group me in with all of our other girlfriends, whereas, like, name one time any of our other girlfriends have ever been like, let's brainstorm ideas. But it's like, I don't know. And I feel like sometimes you group me in with people and I'm like, I stand the fuck out, David.

I agree. I completely agree. You know how to get a girl.

Thank you.

Thank you. No, I do agree. You do. You definitely have my— you definitely have my back when it comes to that.

Good. That's all I ask for.

Thanks for putting this together. You're like the modern day Chris Harrison over here. You mean Jason?

Jason's a cupid over here.

I always say to David, I go, why? Why don't you date Madison? I don't understand.

What's his answer?

He'll be like, I don't know.

He's just like, sort of spazzing out.

It's not the time.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Jonah, Jonah, where's Jonah?

Where's Jonah?

He's also— he's also the master of not answering.

Yes, I agree.

He just doesn't answer.

He's the best at beating around the bush until you, like, go on a new subject and then you don't forget the question. The best.

The best at manipulating you.

100%. The most manipulative person.

I am so good at manipulating. And I don't mean in this—

that's not a bad way. It's not a bad thing.

I don't mean it in like a dark way.

That just shows that you have a good understanding of people and how they to like get in their head. Like, that's not a bad thing.

Word choice is very— like, word choice is very important to me. Like, even like, like when Natalie calls you about something, like I'll run it through, like run through with her like exactly how she should say it and what words you should use. All right guys, that's all the time we have.

What'd you learn today, Dave?

Um, that I'm pretty dope. You guys like me a lot. No, no, no, I learned to, to respect my elders.

You learned— you learned that Madison's got your back and that he should therefore appreciate her more.

Yeah, but how are her back scratches?

I would—

my back scratches? Have you seen these nails, dog?

I know, I've been looking at them all day because I've literally just been thinking about how good those back scratches would be.

I'm the best.

Oh, good back scratches are the best.

Well, next— tune in next podcast when I fill you guys in on how exactly those back scratches went. And, uh, thank you guys for listening. Go check out Madison's stuff, go check out Jason's stuff, go check out David's stuff. That's me. Um, this has been a Views podcast. My name is Jeff. Bye.