Starting an Only Fans

Hey guys, so I feel like we shouldn't start the podcast without mentioning what's obvious right now. What's going on? Jason's aging at a crazy rate. No, that's not it.

Oh my God, that was twice. The cold open and again you hit me. Wow.

No, I guess with everything going on with the Black Lives Matter and the George Floyd stuff and all that, I'm not really good at talking about issues like this. I don't know why, because I feel like every time I mention it, I feel like I'm a toddler trying to explain my thoughts.

Sure.

But, um, and you're stupid and I'm stupid. But I think what the obvious thing to take away from all this is what happened with George Floyd is completely, completely unacceptable and inexcusable and absolutely mind-blowing. It just doesn't really— I don't know, especially when you watch that video, which I recommend people— I don't know. I don't know if you should or you shouldn't.

I don't know.

Maybe it'll spark something in you to, to protest or to, you know, reach out to people. I don't know, but I— the video just makes you feel such bizarre emotions. It's such a weird thing to watch and experience. And I did— I do say this, I do think that, you know, regardless if you saw the video or not, I think everybody is more or less on the same page now, um, which is that there needs to be changes made, and it's ridiculous that it's taken this long. And some people are angry. I mean, a lot of people are angry to the point where, you know, they want to loot and destroy stuff. And I think, you know, those people have the right to be angry. But you also have the right to be safe. So when you're going out and you're protesting, which I really do think you should do, because, you know, as much as it is important for me to voice my opinion, like on my socials and to donate and do all that, every little part counts in a movement that's as big as this or as big as this has to be. So even if you're, you know, not like not donating or even if you're not doing anything like that, like going out on the street or talking to a friend or educating someone around you has such a grand effect on this whole thing. And yeah, I just want to make it clear that we stand with the people that maybe feel like they haven't been represented and that feel like they haven't had a voice. And yeah, I just— I don't know. See, I'm not good at putting it into words, but that's pretty good. Thanks, man.

That's right.

Good. No, and I just want to say too, I mean, personally, I stand with the protesters. I stand with Black Lives Matter. And I donated last night. I saw the protests yesterday.

I donated too.

And I hate that I have to say that.

I know. I hate that I have to say it too.

Right. Yeah.

I know.

I don't want to say that.

You have to—

you have to—

part of me, like, he should open his fucking wallet. I did, but I did.

I, I donated a lot, but okay, I probably donated more than you.

More? No, I probably donated more.

How much did you donate? I'll say it at the same time. What?

No, I'm not gonna say how much.

At the same time.

Here we go.

1, 2, 3. $25,000? Yes.

What'd you say?

$50,000.

$50,000?

$50,000. No, of course I can't fucking afford $50,000. I was gonna say no, but I did donate. And, and yeah, and I, I think that It is, it's time for change. And something, this is finally, there's been a lot of horrible incidents over the last 5, 10 years where, you know, of police brutality. And, you know, people are finally standing up and it seems like this is gonna do something. And we need to get bad cops off the force.

I've had a couple conversations with people where they brought up, they were like, okay, but I don't understand why people are looting. I don't understand why people are like, being so violent about this. And at first I really didn't get it. But I think after talking to a couple more people, I'm starting to understand it. First off, not everybody is violent. And a lot of the people that are being violent and that are looting are people that really just want to be violent and loot in the first place. And now they have an excuse to. But even, even if you are like part of the movement and you are looting, like this is a tweet that I feel like summed it up perfectly. This woman tweeted, "How does looting, rioting, and destroying your own community bring justice for anyone?" And this girl quote-tweeted saying, "IDK, but they tried peacefully kneeling and y'all had a problem with that too." Well, that always made me extremely upset when they would get upset at Colin Kaepernick for taking a kneel during the national anthem.

I never understood why that was a problem. You know, okay, who cares? The guy wants to take a knee.

Bottom line is, take care of each other, be careful out there, And, you know, you don't have to go outside and make a difference. You don't have to go protest. You can even informing a friend of what's going on. Educating them is very important. Be safe. And I should say this for my fellow undocumented illegals like me.

Woo-hoo!

If you do get arrested, there is a number you can call. 310-313-3700. I know nobody's listening to this in jail, but if you have a friend that got arrested and that is DACA, that is something you can reach out to. It's the National Lawyers Guild, Los Angeles. Okay, cool. Okay, I'm going to start the podcast now.

What's up, guys?

Welcome to Views, the podcast where— guys, Jason just turned 47, which gives us a couple more years.

A couple years left.

Yeah, a couple of years left.

Let's enjoy this podcast and just pretend it's probably our last.

What the fuck, man?

Roll intro music.

Right before this started, Jason and I found an owl outside with a broken leg. So now animal control is going to come and pick up the owl. We're basically heroes once again.

Yeah.

I want to start this podcast off with just saying the heroic deeds that have been accomplished off camera. You maybe didn't witness all the help that we've been doing to this owl, but it has been done.

And I made to be sure to bring it up on this podcast in audio form.

Yeah.

Just so you know what I hear.

Something surprising about David that I learned.

What?

So when I moved in, you know, there would be centipedes and spiders all over the fucking house. And one day I learned that David actually does not kill any insects. He, just like me, puts them in a plastic cup and lets them go outside.

Well, I've just always been told that it's bad, bad news.

And like, I don't know anybody that does that except—

what? No, a lot of people do that.

I don't know.

It's definitely a European thing too. Do you— if you see a spider in your house, what do you do?

I move to kill it and then it disappears. And then my kid. Yeah. And then my kids go, no, no, no, no, no, don't kill it. And I go, okay.

Yeah, yeah, no, it's just such a bad idea to kill it.

Yeah, I wouldn't kill it.

Yeah. What's the point? I don't think— I think 50% of people don't kill.

I've never seen anybody do what you do ever. Really? Yes. Deadass. I've never seen anybody. I always thought I was like, man, I'm like a good person for doing it.

It's not even like a good person thing.

It's like a superstitious thing.

I like how you guys think that this owl is going to live. It was like, well, so someone's going to come and like, you know, fix the owl up. The L's fucking done.

What are you talking about?

I mean, I had this whole experience. I've told you this story before with the deer in my house.

Yeah, you've had a deer inside your house?

We had it. Yeah, we had a deer in our backyard with a broken leg. And then the woman's like, yeah, they're gonna come, right, rehabilitate it. And then they send this guy over and he brings his gun out. Oh my God, he just puts the gun right up to the deer's head. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing? He goes, I'm gonna fucking shoot it in the head.

Oh no.

And I go, wait, wait, wait, the woman on the phone said you're gonna come rehabilitate it. And he goes, rehabilitate it? Where? Where the fuck do you think I'm going to— it's broken.

But I feel like a deer and an owl are different.

Yeah, right.

You know, deer might die.

Well, when a horse breaks its leg, they kill it, right? They put it down. Like, that's like a thing. I hope I'm not making this fucking shit up.

What's the owl going to do?

Well, that's like in racing, I think, right?

Right. I don't know. I think it's in general. I think it just causes the horse too much pain for it to—

like, the horse can't do anything.

I mean, I've literally seen TV shows where they're like repairing birds. Like birds.

Like, I think birds are different because they just have— You just got to fix the legs.

What doctor in this state of the world right now is going to take a whole day to repair that owl? Who? Who? No pun intended.

There's no way you did that on purpose.

I swear to God.

You did that on accident?

I did that on accident.

No way you just did that.

It was subconscious. It was subconscious.

I don't know.

Listen, meanwhile, the owl's in the box behind us. Someone's taking it off.

Animal control told us to put it in a box, right? And I asked if I can keep it, and she was— she almost said yes.

First lady did.

The first—

first—

first she was like, no, that's not a good idea.

And then I—

and And then I lied to her and I was like, no, he's really chill. He likes us. And she was like, really? Because usually when you find an owl on the side of the road, they're like, they'll hiss at you and stuff and like perk up. And I lied to her even though he was like really aggressive with us. I was like, no, no, he's super cool. Just, just to be clear, I'm petting him right now.

Just to be clear, Ilya was the one who put the owl in the box, not David. So don't let— don't take all the glory here. David sat there with his camera, his camera phone for TikTok, because now he shoots on TikTok.

I was very close.

I got right in. I don't know. Regardless, we're going to try to save save the owl.

I love that it's Taylor's birthday today and it's just been all about this owl.

Just really? Really? Yeah, because they, they look like your favorite cupcakes. No, they look like confetti cupcakes with chocolate icing. That's literally your favorite cake.

No, it's not.

Yeah, it is.

Why? No, it's not.

Taylor, what's your favorite cake?

Oh, um, I love vanilla just like David.

We've programmed her right.

What's Taylor answer? Vanilla.

I like whatever David likes. Vanilla.

And then when Taylor came into the room this morning, David called her into the room and we had balloons.

Hey, why am I the only one sitting on a fucking towel, man? What the hell? I sit on the couch today, David goes, Taylor, get Jason a towel, his ass is all sweaty. Yeah, Natalie's not on a towel. Ilya's not on a towel. I have to sit on a beach towel.

Yeah.

Humiliating.

Okay, so I was having a meeting before Jason came over for like a product that's like pretty like high-end quality stuff with like a guy who's like a very high-end guy. And Jason walks in, he's got fucking basically a barbecue sauce stain on his shirt. He's like super sweaty, like literally looks like he was just pushed out of an asshole. And his entire backside, he's wearing cargo shorts, but the entire backside of his cargo shorts is like super dark brown because it—

that's because I was hiking with Todd and Jeff and they went down a really steep portion and I had to go down on my butt.

No, Jason, your butt was wet.

It's sweaty too, so it's sweat and dirt. It's not poop.

Exactly. It's sweat and dirt. So that's why we gave him the beach towel to sit on the couch.

Oh man, whatever.

So humiliating.

Yeah, it was. It was embarrassing how I called it out in front of everybody and I was like, get Jason a beach towel. His ass is wet. That is— that was the wrong way to say it. I should have said it quieter.

Hey, thanks for coming to my birthday party for 20 minutes.

Here goes.

And then leaving. That was great, David. Yeah, really, really. Why come at all? First of all, why come at all?

It wasn't a birthday party.

It was.

Yeah, it was.

No, it wasn't.

It is. It's a birthday weekend.

It was you and your kids, and I was gonna stop the day after my birthday. Yeah, I was gonna stop by and say hello with Ilya. So we stopped by.

You didn't even let me know you were coming.

Yeah, cuz it's a surprise.

Oh, you didn't say surprise.

Yeah, I literally honked my horn. I said, surprise, bitch! And you literally went, oh, it's a surprise. That's what you said out loud.

I invited Natalie to come up to hang out with Marnie because I knew they'd get along, which was so awkward, by the way, after you left. Natalie and Todd talking to Marnie.

Oh yeah.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

What did I say, Nat?

I said something like, oh, you're like, so, Natalie, have you ever wanted to ask Marnie anything?

And then I was like, oh my God. And then I think Todd was like, did you just think that they have the same personality, that they get along?

Um, no, I might get along with Marnie just fine.

Yeah, no, they get along great. They actually do have the same personality.

They are very similar.

Cold.

Yeah, they're very cold.

Yeah, and withholding of love. Now you do have the same personality because you have that personality where I can definitely be a bitch, but like I can also be the other side. You can. So like when I used to— when I, when I first started dating Marnie, I had like my whole group of friends that I would introduce to her, and they would, they would be like, I don't think Marnie likes me. I don't think Maria likes me. And then she would do this thing where like it took, and then once she warmed up, they'd be like, oh my God, they felt really special. But it was like, no, you could have just been nice in the beginning. You know what I mean? Like I'm vouching for these people. You could have just been warm to them from the start. Do you know what I mean? Like if you withhold attention, stop looking at your fucking phone. If you withhold attention, keep it in. If you withhold your love from somebody, then when you give it to them, they're like, oh my God, right? It's like special.

Sure, I guess.

Yeah, no. Well, whatever.

No, yeah, definitely.

Thanks for coming to my birthday party for 20 fucking minutes.

Okay, what's the problem with that?

It's this— it's just, it's just lousy. It just sucks.

Should we not come?

Huh?

Next time, would you rather me not come or come for a little bit?

Well, no, I'll take you for a little bit.

Yeah, that's— I thought that was great.

But why can't you just— because right when you left, I said to Natalie, I was like, we were walking on the beach, it was so nice. I was like, why does he do that? Why can't he just vibe? Why can't you just hang out for a little bit?

I don't know, I just— I, I, I— okay, did it bother you?

I was—

because I was wondering this.

I was like, I wonder if it's gonna bother him more that he thinks that it's bothering me that I only stopped by for a little bit and I drove all that way, or does it bother you more that I just didn't stay in general to hang out with you?

Oh, I know you're not worried about it. I know that's what you like to do.

'Cause I, yeah, it was an hour and a half drive to stop by, and we stopped by for like 12 minutes, but like, I enjoy driving, so I did it for the ride.

I know, but I just wish you had stayed.

I would've stayed, but I got there and it was a lot more family-ish than I thought. It was like this small house, and it was like—

Yeah, but you're the guy that can make that fun.

Right.

You have that personality. You're the one that can like break the ice and be like, oh, Marnie, are you drunk? Which she was. Or, you know, oh, Jason. And then David said something really funny. Like, we were out on the beach and David was looking at the bedrooms, which were really close together. And Dave was like, so have you been fucking Marnie this weekend or what?

The bedrooms were so small.

I know.

I was like, you guys are definitely hooking up again. Where were you sleeping?

Yeah, I was also wondering that because there's only two bedrooms.

I slept with Wyatt in the same bed and Charlie and Marnie slept in the other room in the two beds.

You know, you weren't just like, you guys didn't both get drunk and just like, hey, let's just try sleeping together.

We didn't have sex until we were married, David. So why do we do it now? Right?

Does she still have a boyfriend?

Yeah, she has a boyfriend. He's stuck in England. It sucks. I feel bad for them.

That sucks. But yeah, okay, I understand. I get it.

Yeah, it's what— it's who you are.

I'm sorry, I didn't— I'm surprised. I even asked Natalie. I was like, Natalie, was Jason upset? Was Jason upset that I laughed? And she was like, yeah, he was all right. I don't know. I felt bad. I felt bad. But I also needed to leave.

You know, our friend Joe, and we always say because his girlfriend's really good looking, Oh my God, you heard this?

Yeah. Did you hear? So fucking funny.

So funny.

Yeah, Jason makes this joke about Joe. So Joe, he edits our podcast, he's a really, really pretty girlfriend. And Joe's like, uh, Joe, you know, the best way to describe him is Joe.

He's average Joe.

He—

okay, the best way to say he's dating out of his league.

Yeah, yeah.

And Jason makes these jokes. Jason always goes, uh, too bad Joe's girlfriend is blind because there's no way she can see who she's dating because she's so, so much hotter than Joe is.

And at least His girlfriend streams on Twitch and literally there was a comment the other day like, how is she streaming? She's blind.

Oh my God, she plays the game so well for a blind person.

And someone was being serious. Like, we mentioned this on the podcast a couple of months ago and someone has gone a couple of months thinking Joe's girlfriend has been blind because, because she's dating Joe.

And Joe called me yesterday and he's like, dude, people on the stream think Annalise is blind and she's some magnificent gamer.

And I was like, dude, lean into that. Lean into that.

She could be the first blind gamer.

They walk— they live really close to my house and they walk their dog over at night. I saw Anneliese last night and I was like, Anneliese, you made it up the hill. Okay. Did you hold Joe's arm? Or—

Oh, that's so great.

It's so great that you live a full life.

Jay, if I move, would you consider buying this house?

Yeah, I would love to.

But then you still have the same problem of fucking people showing up.

No. Well, if I move in, I think they'll stop coming.

They'll just come. Hey, is David— No, he moved. And then it's just a kid going, everybody turn around. 18 cars. Oh, fuck.

When I was at the beach all weekend, um, no one bothered me. Literally no one.

Oh really?

I mean, not one kid came and asked for a picture. And the minute you showed up and Natalie showed up, it was like all these kids came around. I was like, what the fuck? I was like, you think one of them would recognize me?

Oh, that is interesting.

Yeah, it was interesting. And then to myself I was like, well, they probably shouldn't want to bother me with my kids.

No, that's what it is.

I think that's what it is.

No, I don't think that's what it is.

100%.

Because I saw some kid after you left, and I had seen him all weekend long, and he came up to me, he's like, is David still here? And I was like, no, he left. He's like, you lying? I'm like, I'm not lying, he left, he's gone. I mean, they think you're lying. That's the worst, because I try to be chill with everybody.

That's funny. The other day, uh, the other day we talked about, um, about my type being Latinas under 5'5".

Uh-huh.

Just all over Twitter, like all these like Latina girls under 5'5". Like, one of the girls was like, she's like, I'm 5'8", but I will cut off my ankles.

Oh my God.

And I wanted to, I wanted to address that real quick, guys. It does not matter how tall you are. It's all that matters is the size of your heart.

Ilya, have there been any points since you moved here where you've gone, oh, I think I made a mistake?

No, no, no, no, no.

How many times have you almost gotten close to punching me in the face?

Oh my God, so many. Honestly, so many times. Probably like 5, 5 times.

Nerves.

But like, I could tell that like recently Like I've gotten on his nerves at least 5 times over.

What?

Um, just some, I call him out on like some stupid shit sometimes. We were fucking watching a movie yesterday. I can't explain it. Cause it's like, okay, fuck it. It's, have you seen the movie Focus?

Yeah.

Okay. So the whole point of that movie is that they're pickpocketers and they pickpocket people. And Margot Robbie, we kind of find out towards the middle of the movie that her goal is to steal this dude's watch that's worth $200,000.

Okay.

And at the end of the movie, they're on this big heist and they steal $26 million, €26 million, and they're like fucking so well off. But then right before the movie ends, all the money gets taken away and Will Smith gets shot. And it's like they're down and out. And Will Smith's like, what are we going to do now? We're fucked. And then Margot Robbie goes, no, we're not that screwed. And the camera pans down and it reveals her watch and then it pans back up and then the movie ends.

There was no panning.

There was definitely panning. And I go, and I go, when did she have time to steal that? And he goes, steal what? What are you talking about? And I'm like, what do you fucking mean? What am I talking about? Like, how did this movie just end? Do you not see how it ended? And he goes, they just smiled at each other. Why were they smiling at each other like that? And I was like, because she has the fucking watch. Because she has the watch, right? I got so mad at him. I was like, how did you miss the fucking watch? It's such a big part of the movie. It literally ends the entire movie. And I was like, I can't— and I got so— I got like personally offended because I'm like, okay, now I got mad at myself for trusting Ilya as much as I have before. I was like, I can't believe I had this guy fucking move out here to work with me if he can't notice the ending to this fucking movie.

Like, that's—

that's where I get—

why do you take it so personal?

I get so pissed at him. And I go, I go, Ilya, I feel fucking betrayed. And he goes, and he goes, Say that shit one more time. And I fucking just come out screaming. I go, yeah, I probably do have to say one more time because you probably missed it the first time. I was just fucking furious with him. These are the types of like arguments I get into with Ilya. Just like little things that I've noticed about him.

And like, that's when I really want to punch him in the fucking face.

Yeah. And he'll go, he'll go, he'll go, you better stop.

I'm going to punch you.

And I go, okay, stupid.

I don't know. Who cares?

You think dinosaurs are ever going to make a comeback?

Like dinosaurs? Yeah, they're coming back.

I heard so many things evolve. Like, why not evolve into dinosaurs?

That we would change into— we were once dinosaurs.

So dumb.

Like, like, yeah, animals are always evolving, right? Like, apparently some people think that, like, man came from apes. What if it's like, what if the rats are going to evolve slowly?

This is fucking Pokémon.

Talking about exactly fucking Pikachu evolving into fucking Charizard.

I'm just saying. I'm just saying, what if animals are going to start evolving backwards and they're going to get stronger and bigger?

Who? Which animals?

All of them.

Like, what if the giraffes start flying? I fuck it.

I really wanted it to work.

Yeah, me too. Really did. I didn't believe anything I was saying, but I was just like, let's see if I can make it work. Jason, type in sex into your search.

Okay.

And see what the last text you sent that had the word sex in it.

Okay.

Okay.

This is fun. Oh, man. It's all from dudes.

What is it?

What's the last one?

Happy birthday, you sexy stud of a man. From Sam Sheffler. Sheffer.

Sheffer.

And then John Austin and Brooke wrote That's it. Can I have sex with your mom? You do yours. Type in hand job. See if anything comes up.

Oh, hand job's good.

Let me see if I have a hand job.

That's a really specific one.

Mine from the last person. It's the last person that wrote hand job. It's you.

I texted Jason. I think I'm having an out-of-body experience. Giving yourself a hand job.

Give yourself a hand job.

Give your—

what was this? Was this like a caption? What the fuck was I saying?

Oh, you're just sending me a note for the, for the podcast of a story that you wanted at 12:45 in the morning.

I texted you, give yourself a handjob.

So I, as I will remember to remind you when we do the podcast that you have a story about giving yourself a handjob. Oh, did you have a story about an out-of-body experience?

No.

Isn't that what it is? That's what this is.

Oh, it was a joke.

You remember this?

What was it, dude?

You know, oh my god, that's so funny. You got really high.

Fuck it.

We both got really high.

Do you remember this?

Yes.

We got really high and you go, dude, I think I'm having an out-of-body experience. And I go, man, give yourself a hand job. Because it was like, it was like, it was like another dude jerking you off. Oh, that's funny. I never saw the light of day.

That's funny.

You should tweet that. That's really funny.

I had this idea. I told Natalie she's starting OnlyFans.

Literally the worst idea he's come up with.

And she's like, that's not really my brand. And I was like, I know, we're gonna make it your brand. You know you can make a million dollars a month off OnlyFans?

Yeah, I know. Easy.

And that's the thing, I was like, if I'm going to ever sell my body and exploit myself, why the fuck would I cut David in? Like, why does he deserve a percentage of that?

Hang on, what kind of OnlyFans? Like tasteful photos?

Exactly, that's what I said. I was like, Natalie, you're not fucking fingering yourself on this thing, you're, you're just showing a little nipple.

That's what I was gonna say shoulder. Yeah, I was gonna say pictures like this.

When I mean nipple, I mean like lingerie.

Like, oh, like Natalie in lingerie.

Yeah, so not like—

it could be, and it's gonna be fucking empowering. It's not gonna be some weird shit, you know what I mean?

It's so not Natalie though.

It's not Natalie, but that's why I think people would pay. Natalie, did you know that I dug a hole in my shower that peeks right into yours?

I literally— that is one of the— something that I think about often.

No, you fucking don't.

I do.

You think I would do that? You genuinely think I would put—

no, I don't, but like, I have this weird paranoia about like being like watched.

I thought you were gonna do the cameras in the toilet.

Shut up, Jake. That is the most disgusting thing, putting a camera in the toilet.

So gross.

So gross.

Yeah. And there's so many stories of it, like janitors at like office spaces that like, you know, they put cameras in, then they get busted.

Oh really?

I'm always so curious. That's how they know it's the janitor.

Wait, that's so gross.

Who do you think had access to these women's bathrooms? After hours, maybe Carl. He did just get a bunch of GoPros. I don't know, I wouldn't want to like watch people peeing. That's not my thing.

Yeah, that's really weird. That's not even like—

that's not peeing. That's not what I'm worried about.

Is there any kind of sexual— what if you are into peeing and then you get number 2? Yeah, fast forward. Hey man, hey, I just came from the water slide.

Check this out, now he's about to pee. Oh shit!

Fuck!

Damn, that's where all those tacos go. Yeah, okay, this is a weird topic. Let's talk about something else.

Wait, Ned, do you ever go poop while we're all awake?

No, she's nocturnal. She's a nocturnal shitter.

No, I mean like, you wait for us to all like go to bed and like then you make your move.

No, I don't fucking revolve my life and my toilet schedule on whether or not you guys are awake all the fucking day.

She's bold.

Let's go around the room and say when everybody poops. Go ahead. You poop at the same time?

Yeah, I usually, I usually poop right before I jerk off. Like, honestly, dude, when's that?

Strange.

What?

Yeah, dirty. It's so many things, like so many chemicals coming up.

Yeah, but then he gets it all out and he's good.

Just getting it out of every tube. And then I throw up to end things. Things off on a good note. I like the shit puke. Shit puking. Come on.

You know, I'm paying for private school next year and there might not be any private school and I'm paying all this money for nothing.

That's bullshit.

It's really funny.

It's fucked up.

What did I went through?

So much.

Conan's bit. No, Conan was like giving a speech at Harvard.

Yeah.

And he's like, it sucks that like your families are paying $100,000 for you guys to go to school, but now it's just turning into a big online course.

Yeah.

And that's why we're also streaming this to the University of Phoenix. Like, hit a button and the Harvard logo switched to the University of Phoenix.

Oh my God.

But yeah, that's crazy. Like, you pay all this money for a school and now people are— yeah, no, you should definitely not be paying the same amount for online school.

My mom told me that a lot of the colleges are going to go away, that Harvard will always be, and Penn and big places like that will always be, but that like, like Apple's gonna start having like their own schools, and big companies like that.

Amazon makes so much sense. Yeah, that makes so much sense.

So then you could just go work there.

Makes a lot of sense. I love that.

Wait, wait, wait, go work there? You don't have to, but you're telling me that Amazon's just gonna have a school just to teach people about Amazon?

Yeah, or stuff that—

or like the business world?

Yeah.

And then people graduate just to work at Amazon, and like the school won't be called Amazon, but it'll be like that Amazon pays for this. Dude, Amazon's gonna be everywhere in a couple fucking decades.

But college is kind of outdated, isn't it?

Very outdated.

So weird. I mean, are we just saying that because we didn't go to college?

No, I went through it and I still But there's something about it that's necessary. Like, you can't take that away from kids. That's a very, like, important— like, it's, it's so important to have that social experience.

But so many kids go to college still. Like, I mean, obviously, if you look at TikTok, it's like college, college, college.

Oh, but that's what I'm saying. I'm saying, like, you can't—

but do you think that will change now?

I don't think so.

David, I have a question for you.

Okay.

Do you ever see a world where you would maybe fall in love with a man? Uh, Illya, will you take this rose?

I was, I was in the car the other day and I don't know how we got to this, but I was like, yeah, I could see myself, like, I could see myself, like, you know, being into guys down the road, like, you know, whatever. And he was like, that's cool, dude. Just don't ever try to fuck me.

You're first on his list.

Oh yeah, you're first. I'm gonna fuck you first, dog.

He is very passionate about you. Yeah.

Yeah. I mean, listen, I want— I'm going to want to try it out. Not you.

Not on me, though. Why?

I mean, you want to fuck me?

I mean, literally, the way you reacted to that Focus story that you told is like a crazy girlfriend.

Yeah.

I mean, if you really look at it, that's something like, you know, if you had—

that's funny because I told him, I was like, if I ever get a girlfriend, I'm going to make her watch that movie and I will never talk to her again if she reacts to the way you react to that movie. That's what I told him.

Now rub my feet.

Power on my feet. So Ella, you've been working here for a little bit. I was a new assistant. Jay, go ahead, give her some questions.

Ella, have you noticed anything interesting this week? I'm not around much, so I don't get to see much going around here. Anything interesting?

So it's a lot of sitting on this couch. We go from couch to bed, from bed to couch.

We're going a lot of beds.

Do you guys talk? It sounds like you guys— seems like you guys talk about a lot of things that aren't important or don't need to be talked about or that are not going to happen. Like if David could one day turn into Iron Man. Yeah, sort of my job to help David achieve his goals. So we're working on the suit.

I think, yeah, I think a lot of the job is just listening, you know, and just nodding and saying 100%, that is a great idea.

What have you told your friends? Like, I'm sure you've talked to your mom so far. You've only been here a couple weeks. What do you say to your mom?

I mean, they ask me what I do and I say, um, you know, I do a lot of things. I don't think they know what what to do with me.

What did they— but what do you say, like, about, like, how's the work? Like, let's see, your mom or like your friends go, how's the work environment? What do you say?

I say it's like nothing I've ever experienced before.

That's great. See, I'm telling you, Jay, it's amazing working here.

I know some of my friends are like, that's so awesome. Some of my friends like, but are you working? Like, did you go there? I'm like, you just chill at his house? I'm like, yeah, but that's part of the work. But I have to say, I have a lot of friends. I grew up in Rome, and I wasn't— I was surprised at the amount of people in Italy watch you. You have a big fan base there.

Oh, you're talking about Italians?

Yeah.

Well, I love pizza, and I've made that very clear throughout my videos.

That's exactly why.

So I know this guy's okay. He like a pizza just like us.

Exactly.

Jason, have you ever seen David make out with anybody in person?

No, never.

Yeah, me neither.

Yeah. It's so funny how you always give me so much.

I've been in a club and David told me to stop making out with somebody.

Oh, that's funny.

No, Jenny, what the fuck are you doing? Oh, yeah, yeah, you're right, you're right, you're right.

That has happened more times than I would want.

That's funny.

I'll make out with Natalie right now to prove to you guys that I can, I can do it.

I don't think that's what we're saying.

No, Natalie, let's show everybody that I'm cool.

Okay, come here.

Gross.

Give me some gum.

Give me some gum because you fucking stink.

I can't kiss it. I can't be near anybody without some gum.

Are you a good kisser?

Remember that time when David was Remember that time? Remember that time when Dave was like, wouldn't it be cool?

I'm a good kisser.

I don't think I'm good in bed. I'm very good kisser.

How do you know?

Because I just know I'm a good kisser.

Just, I just know.

It's just like, like I can just kiss.

If someone told you like, wow, you're a great kisser, has anyone ever said that to you? Yeah.

I mean, I paid them, but I believe they said it.

Yeah, no, that's definitely said.

But you know, who said that?

Marnie, your ex-wife.

Marnie's definitely charmed by David. I I have to say, I'll give him— I'll give her that.

Yeah, I'm good with, uh, women.

I'm good with people like Natalie. That's my weakness. That's why—

that's my strength.

Your weakness.

I think— I think finally Marnie was like, well, here's the one person that could do something with Jason. I gotta— I gotta hand it to him, right?

Taylor, if I walked home— if I came home and Taylor was having sex with a dude, it's Jeff, what would you do?

Oh my God, would you be mad?

Taylor, can I tell you something? I've actually— I wanted to say this for a little bit. Can I be honest?

Yeah.

One day I thought you were having sex with Josh.

What?

Yeah.

Yeah, we— yeah.

Me? Yeah.

What day?

It was like a week. It was like a week of events.

A week?

Yeah.

You guys like were like talking and like you drove him home, I think, or he did. Yeah. And there was like that week there was a few—

would do that.

You too?

Yeah, I was literally like, what the fuck is wrong with my friends taking my assistance? What's going on? And I was like, and I was like, yeah, Ella, I'm telling you this.

Please do not fuck my friends.

Please.

Yeah, I still haven't.

Okay, so you did it. You never did.

Are you serious?

Obviously, I know you haven't.

That's the first thing you told me. You said, especially Todd.

Wait, did I tell you that?

Yeah, you said— I remember it was literally like one of my first days and you were like, Taylor, just don't have— you can't do anything with any of my friends. Like nothing with— especially that one, especially Todd. And I was like, but it was specifically Jeff and Todd.

Hey man, I'm sorry, you somehow got through my cock block.

You broke the walls. Um, yeah, no, should we tell him? We thought you were Wait, what?

I said, Ella, should we tell him?

Oh, gross, gross.

Um, that's so funny. She got Dima the other day. Dima was like, who? Someone was making like insinuations with Ella and Dima.

Zayn is fucking Ilya. All my friends fucking my hometown friends and my assistants.

Um, did you give the speech to Ilya? That you gave to Taylor?

No, because all the girls—

oh, so all the guys that work for you, they can fuck whoever they want?

No.

Is that what you're saying?

No.

Yeah, no, I said that because I knew the guys in my friend group were scumbags, and I was like, Taylor, there's gonna be some guys are gonna try to fucking approach you. Stay away from them. And second of all, all the girls in our friend group are basically taken. What were you gonna say?

I wasn't—

I was waiting Oh yeah, no, I didn't fuck Jeff.

So yeah, because there was, there was these times like after the parties.

I think it also had a lot to do with Jeff. Jeff was like, I'm gonna fuck your next assistant.

Oh yeah, it was like, you know, Jeff would say shit like that as a joke, and then at one point I was like, man, I think he's being serious.

No, I know exactly because I drove him home because he asked me for a ride, right?

Yeah, that dude Uber's everywhere. It's kind of weird that all of a sudden Oh, okay. And did you go over to his place?

Oh my God, no. I listened to you.

Even if— and what if he was like, hey, do you want to come upstairs?

No, I wouldn't.

Okay. Because we have Jeff here right now.

And I'm just like, what? Fuck.

You know, there's not another side of me. Like, I'm really not that, like, I'm going to get on dating apps and, like, hook up with random people. Like, I'm not like in L.A., like, Right there.

Yeah. What you see is what you get with you. There's not like a crazy side where you go home and you like tie people up.

I feel like—

I feel like if I like—

now I always think that I'm like, what is that like when she goes home? Yeah, there's some crazy—

no, like, I feel like now she's at a shrine of—

what?

You just kneel to a shrine of David, light the candles.

She doesn't sleep.

She just waits until it's time to go back.

8:30.

I guess I'll pop in early this day. Blows out all the candles.

There's not another side. I mean, I feel like throughout quarantine, like, we've been together like every day, so like you guys have seen, you know, um, other parts of Taylor.

Yeah, right, right.

Other sides. But like, yeah, no, I, I think that Yeah, I guess what you see is what you get. I mean, there's definitely, like, different, like, personalities of me, right?

But so you're not hooking up with Jeff?

Bottom line.

Bottom line. No, no.

And if you were to choose one of my friends to hook up with, this is— you can answer this honestly. Who would it be?

Jonah.

Jonah. It's always a safe answer.

It's Taylor's birthday today.

Ilya, you had—

you I thought finally we'd give her a moment.

No, no, fuck that, Jay. She has her shrine of me to go home to.

It's Taylor's birthday today. Hold on. Ilya had orange juice for the first time yesterday. Yeah, it is Taylor's birthday.

Taylor, happy birthday.

Fuck me.

Happy birthday.

Um, no, uh, Ilya, you, you, Ilya, you had a crush on Natalie before you moved out here.

Yeah.

Um, how has that changed Is that—

do you like her more or less now that you've been living with her?

I like her the same amount.

That's so safe.

Be honest. More or less?

I like her the same amount.

That's my honest answer.

So you still have that crush on her?

No, I don't have a crush on her.

So you like her less?

I guess so.

What has made it— what is it about Natalie that you like less about her now?

Man, you're really going to fucking put me on the spot. I don't know what to say. You know what to say. No, nothing, I guess. Like, realistically, nothing.

I feel like I'm the same person. Like, I don't get, like, more disgusting when you, like, know me more. So I know you feel that way. Whatever. No, you're fucking disgusting too. So.

Yeah, well, okay.

Is that it?

That was really awkward. Why the fuck did you say that?

Because I thought Ilya was going to be awkward about it.

I'm not awkward about it.

I'm totally—

You did.

You knew he was going to be out there. I literally thought you wouldn't have asked it.

No, I thought it's going to be funny. And he's going to say something like, I mean, I don't—

okay, here's the thing.

I don't want to make fun of her.

Okay? And then like, I also don't want to like say that I have a crush on her because I don't. But I also don't want to be like, I don't have a crush on her because of this reason, because there is no reason.

You're in a tight spot.

Yeah, yeah, right.

What I thought you were going to say was, oh yeah, I had a crush on her then. Hahaha. It's over now. It's funny. We can look back and laugh on it, right? But it didn't sound like that. Well, I just—

I just don't know.

This is how he answered that question. He was like, like, listen, dude, like, I have some things to say. I just don't want to hurt you. That's how it came off.

No, no, that's not what I mean. I mean, just like, you know, we're chill. Vibes.

All right, guys, all fuck when I leave. Do you? Like, all of you? Oh, be honest with me.

Ella's too new. She don't know yet.

All right, guys, I'm like about to leave. Taylor's like bringing out lingerie.

What's that, Natalie? Which one are you wearing tonight?

All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Thank you to everyone joining.

Congratulations to Taylor for turning 23 years old. That is the best age. Taylor, happy birthday, Taylor.

Happy birthday.

Um, we'll see you guys later. This has been A View's Podcast. My name is Jeff. No, not that Jeff Taylor.