Someone Is Using Her Nudes

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where we got rid of Natalie. I know I've been listening to your comments and we have replaced her.

Oh David, look who's here, it's the octopus teacher.

We replaced her with the octopus teacher.

It's great to be here, David. I want to let you know that I fell in love with a shark, so I'm doing a lot better now.

The shark, isn't that the thing that killed the octopus?

Yes, yes, quite a twist of fate there. But you know, it turned out the shark was actually pretty sexy and I love him more. So it's a lot of fun.

All right.

Yeah.

Can we start the podcast with such a horrible joke? Well, people, well, people want to tune into the rest.

You know, I went to the aquarium in Long Beach and they had the craziest octopus there and it was so fucking cool.

After seeing that, you're like, it was sexy.

Yeah. This thing was, you're like, oh, you know what?

I get it now.

I got it. Like the tentacles were coming up on the glass and I was like, yo, this thing is magnificent. Let me fuck it.

All right. Roll into our music.

I want to open up the podcast with a question.

Oh, okay. Jesus. Someone's fucking— sounds like an idiot.

Yeah, well, I have a question.

Okay, go. Um, look at me. I want to open up the podcast. Who fucking talks like that? I know.

I can't believe I just did that on my own volition.

All right, what is it?

Uh, no, what was I, uh, how long would you last in prison?

Me?

Yeah, be honest.

What does last mean?

I don't know, be alive.

Like, when, when would I want to leave? Probably immediately. What does that mean?

I'm ready to go now.

Guard, please call Taylor. She'll be picking me up. Um, I don't think I'd last in prison at all. I mean, I've always said, I always— I think it's crazy to ever go to prison. I was like, I would rather die. And I've always stood by this, and you always disagree with me.

Oh yeah, we've talked.

Prison is my big— is like, what is my— literally my biggest fear other than getting sick.

You do all right, they'd give you a job there.

No, I don't want to do it. I would never want to do it.

Good. You'd run like the audiovisual department.

I'd rather be— what?

You'd run the audiovisual department.

The morning announcements?

Yeah, you do the morning Good morning, Cook County Prison State Penitentiary. Oh, I love this guy.

Today, Luis, uh, he did get shanked, but he will be making a full recovery. Mark is serving solitary confinement for the next 8 days. Mark, we wish you the best.

I've thought about it.

You've thought about being in prison?

I feel like I'd low-key like thrive.

Yeah, I know why. Because you're being surrounded by 100 women. You love that. I was like, sign me fucking up. I thrive. Who says that about being in prison? Unless they're in love with women. There's no fucking way.

No, I'm just saying. I mean, have you watched Orange Is the New Black?

No, but I'm sure it's great.

I would 100% be like, I would like have my own squad. First of all, I'd be so fit. That's everyone says that. It's like, I just want to go to prison to get fit because there's literally nothing else to do than work out. I'd be so fit.

You'd definitely kill it in prison. I know that for a fact.

And then I'd be like head of like my pack, but my pack would be like kind of peaceful, but it's also like, don't fuck with us because like, you know, and I don't know what I'd be in for. Hopefully nothing crazy. But like, I feel like I'd come out from prison and I like have all these like prison friends and then they'd all come out and then I'd like help them and we'd have like fucking community. It'd be sick.

Yeah, it would be sick.

Let's send you.

Okay.

Do you want us to send you to prison?

Well, will you bail me out? Like after a couple of days?

No, we'll send you there for a year and we'll have a beautiful podcast when you come back.

You're going to need some time to, you know, get your squad together and make some friends.

You imagine Ella goes to prison for a year just for our podcast? She comes back. It's only a 10-minute story.

Joe, cut it. Joe, cut it.

We're just like, what? And I was like, yeah, honestly, not much happened.

I read some books and got some tattoos, and that's about it.

Oh, fuck. Yeah.

Tay in prison would be good.

Taylor in prison.

Taylor would become someone's like— I like showers too much. I don't think I would last.

That's your problem.

That's the thing. I'd get killed by Ella. First of all, the showers is a dude thing. I don't think it's valid for women. What do you mean?

It's a very penis thing.

It's a very penis thing. The shower. What do you mean?

Like to get—

Are you not— You're not saying you're scared?

She's saying she's saying this is dirty. Cleaned.

Oh, oh, oh. Just like showers. Both me and David are like, you're not going to have a dick in your ass. Don't worry about it.

No, I think— I think you'll be fine. I think in prison you shower every day.

Yeah, you should. It's not that dirty. So you know how I know we've talked about my nudes a lot. I remember how we were—

Ella loves talking about this. Just fucking show it to them. Show it to us already.

So you know how I told you guys that, like, Once I did like a photoshoot with my friend, she focuses on like nude bodies and like very sexual things. Like, that's just her thing. And so once I did the shoot with her, it was like literally we were on vacation.

Pictures you had in your resume.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

So she took some photos of me and they're like, she on her Instagram, she like has all these kind of photos of herself too. And so she posted one like This is almost 2, 3 years ago. You can't see my face. So I, she, I knew, and I was like, it's fine, you can't see my face, it's fine, whatever. And then since then she's deleted them. And then she DM'd me the other day and she's like, dude, look at this. And she was like on her Discover page and she somehow happened upon this girl's profile and was looking at her stories. And this girl in her stories had my photo and was promoting her OnlyFans and was like, swipe up for my OnlyFans. And it was the photo of me, like my photo. You can't see my face, but I obviously know it's me. My friend knows it's me. Took the photo and so she DM'd the girl and she's like, hey, like, this isn't you. Like, this is my photo. Like, where'd you get this? Do you mind? Like, can you take it down? Like, what the fuck?

And the girl's like, you have that nice of a body where someone's using it to promote their OnlyFans. Out of anybody they could have pulled off Google Image, they were like, this is the one.

I mean, but that's the thing. And so she was like, and they don't follow each other though. They don't follow each other. Fuck off. They don't follow each other. So she was also kind of weird. This photo's been deleted for a while, so I'm like, where the fuck did she get this?. And the girl answered and was like, hey, like, I'm not taking it— like, kind of like bitchy, like, fuck that, I'm not taking it down. Also, um, I got the photo off another OnlyFans, LOL. Oh my God. So she didn't even get it from my friend, which means that this photo is on someone else's OnlyFans and they're fucking making money off my photo of my body.

It doesn't even have your face.

And it doesn't have my face. I mean, luckily— I mean, obviously they couldn't use it if it had my face in it, but like, it's literally just my— like, it's my It's just my body and I'm in underwear. It's not nothing crazy. And I was just like, I can't do anything about it.

Is it like— so there's no actual nudity, just you in your underwear?

No. Yeah, it's just me in my underwear. It's like you can— you can—

yeah, that's crazy.

It's fucking insane. And I'm like, I don't know, like, I can't do anything about it. And I told my friend, I was like, this is fucked up. Like, I should put these fucking on an OnlyFans. Like, this bitch is promoting her OnlyFans.

Jason has the same story too, except they use his picture for an obituary.

Yeah, we are No, no, you know Forest Lawn in Burbank? Yes. Yeah, I'm all over the casket.

They thought Jason died.

That'd be a really funny like brand deal if you got like a brand deal with Forest Lawn, like the funeral home.

Yeah.

Hey, are you like me? Are you gonna die soon?

Come pick your casket.

This was interesting. This was very interesting.

Here comes the dinner.

Yep, here comes the dinner. David, you're so smart. Okay, so I got a text last week, really nice text. Hey, let's all go have— we're all gonna go have dinner, uh, Thursday night. And I was like, huh, really? David wants to have a dinner? David, Mr. Order before I get there so I can eat in 10 minutes and be back in my car. And I was like, this is weird, this is some weird shit. And then I started to text back something snarky, you know, and I was like, nope, you know what, I'm gonna be positive. I'm gonna be like, you know what, maybe Dave's starting, starting some new businesses. Let me be positive. And I wrote back, great, I'd love to, blah, blah, blah, blah. We go to the dinner, we get there, it's beautiful, very nice. This motherfucker leaves in the middle of the dinner.

No, wrong.

It's a team Dobrik meeting.

I left after an hour and 45 minutes. And how I know is because Jason was timing me because he was curious how long it would take for me to leave the dinner.

I took bets. I bet, I bet 50 minutes.

And I stayed longer than anybody thought I was going to stay.

No, no, no.

That doesn't mean anything.

What do you mean?

We all have a low opinion of you.

No, I genuinely thought you were going to stay for the whole dinner. I thought that you— you were the one that instigated the conversation about having the dinner, thinking it's such a great idea. We should get the whole team together. We've done some really amazing things. And then you fucking peace.

I was— I was in like— when I— when I started the dinner idea, I was like, I'm in a good mood. And then dinner came around and things just ruined my mood. So I was not there anymore.

What was your thought process?

I don't know. I just wasn't—

maybe like, maybe we just kind of like grow up mature and like suck it up a little bit.

I did.

David walks up to the table and he was like, Ilya made up some lies like, I got a surprise for you. Whoa, whoa, I got a big surprise for Dave. What was the surprise?

He gave me his fucking ring from Cartier.

Uh-huh. And he needed to do that during—

it was here and I was like, crap.

And he couldn't give it to you after? It was a special thing. No, it's bullshit. Now back me up. Deadass, I gave my ring. Deadass, you could have given it to him. You see him 24 hours a day. You could have given it to me anytime. Why did it need to happen at that point?

Because the vibes were right. Because the vibes—

no, the vibes weren't right because you walked up to the table and you go, come on guys, what do you want me to say? This is fucking miserable.

And then JJ, we're walking, we're walking away from the restaurant and like it's all quiet. He turns me, goes, should I have said that?

I felt so bad.

And then you left in the two-seater. That little fucker, he tried to move in on your two-seater and ditch me there like that. And he's like, is there room in the car? And Daley was like, no, Joe, there's no room. And then so then Joe and I were stuck there talking about you the entire night, talking about David. Then after you left, then everybody's like, I think David likes the color blue. I think he likes the color blue too.

Wait, what do you mean?

This is like, it's all the people that you pay to fucking work for you sitting there talking about you, and me sitting there like, uh, It was weird. It was, it was like going to like a David Dobrik fan conference or something. Honestly, it was a business dinner for your business.

That's why I started to hate it.

Yeah, I know, I know.

That's why, like, I'm just giving you shit. I started to hate it because like, like I was hearing stories and like people were like sharing stories of their best David moments and I was like, what the fuck? It felt so weird. I know what you mean. Jack was like, Jack was like, do you remember the Seeking meeting back in New York? And I was like, yeah, it was a pretty normal meeting. And Jack was like, David sat on the floor and demanded equity. And I was like, I don't recall sitting on the floor. Maybe I asked about equity. And it was like, it was like this big, like, look how crazy David is. And I was just like, this is a weird thing for me to sit on. Like, I'd rather go and you guys can have a discussion on your own. Like, I just didn't want to be there for that.

It felt like I think there was one person that did that. That was like the story you just shared was the only incident that I know.

There was a lot. No, there was a lot of that, bro. That was a lot of it. That's why I left. I was just like, I can't do it anymore. It was literally left and right. I'm telling you. I was there. I know why I left.

It was fine. Like, whatever. Yeah.

And then I texted every— I texted Joe. I'm like, be honest with me, because I know Joe's the most honest with me. I'm like, Joe, be honest with me. What are they saying right now? And he's like, surprisingly, you're fine. Surprisingly, no one's pissed.

No, because they, they all started drinking. And so then I drove Ilya's car home, right? And then, David, the one thing you missed— well, you've probably seen it before, but I'd never seen it before. Fucking— we got in the car and Taylor and Ella and Natalie were in the back seat and They were drunk and they put on WAP and they got really fucking dirty. Like, Joe and I were in the front like, oh my God, like, Joe and I are looking at each other like, is this happening? Like, it was Taylor like, there's some hoes in this house, certified freak, 7 days a week, bomb-ass pussy. I was like, whoa, right? It was something else. That was a fun part of the night. And then Ilya gave you a Cartier ring?

Yeah, he gave me a Cartier. Where is it? That was— so this is what happened. I'll be honest, I'll be honest. Yeah, yeah, please. So, so, so we're sitting in the back, we all go to the bathroom, and I go to Ilya, I'm like, Ilya, I gotta get out of here. And Ilya goes, me too. And I go, thank God. And I go, I go, we gotta come up with an excuse. And he goes, okay, I'll just say I have a surprise for you. And I go, but what if someone deadasses you? And he goes, I'll just get you a surprise, I'll get you something, I'll get you something. So we go back to that, we go back to the dinner We go back to the dinner and Ilya's like, we have to go. I have a surprise for David.

Yeah.

And then the worst lie I knew right away. No, no one believed it.

No one believed it. And then Megan goes, deadass. And he looks at me and I go, yeah, tell her. And he goes, deadass. And Megan goes, what the fuck? And then we leave. Like, you know, obviously that whole thing happens with me saying miserable and whatever. And then we leave. We're in the car and Ilya's like on the phone with Best Buy seeing what stores are open because he's like, what do you want? What do you want? I'm like, well, I like TVs. And he's like trying to see where he can buy like the biggest flat screen. And I'm like, dude, I'm like, you're like thinking too much about it. Like, just go home and surprise me with something random, right? With like something random. Like, I don't care what it is. Like, if you don't tell me what it is, it's a surprise. And you didn't lie on deadass. I'm like, literally go in there, get a sock and pull it out and be like, this is my lucky sock. And so we get back to the house. It's just me and him. I go to lay down because I'm just not feeling well. So I lay down and Ilya comes into my room and he goes, close your eyes. And I go, okay. And he goes, he goes, here's this, I want you to have this. And it's his ring. It's his Cartier ring that he's had for like 2 years. And I'm like, wow, you want me to have that? And he's like, yeah, it was my surprise for you. And he's like, it's my lucky ring. I'm like, I don't think it's your lucky ring. You've only had it for like 2 years.

I've had it for like 3 years.

It was my lucky ring.

I wore it like every day.

Yeah, just because you wear it a lot doesn't mean it's your lucky ring.

That's my only ring.

That's what it was. And it was just really funny that like now I had this Cartier ring because Ilya was forced to give it to me just so he could leave this party. That's pretty good.

Yeah. So end of the story.

So now I have a ring. And then we got back and fucking an hour later the girls got back and they brought home a kitten. Someone dropped the cat off at our fucking doorstep. Yeah. And it was in a bag. And in the bag there's a clickbait hoodie, the cat, and a makeup bag. It was really fucking scary. And that's it. And the bag just— and then we took the cat over and we, we give it away to one of our friends. Last podcast we talked about these TikTokers called the Vibe Crew, and they're like, they're like 8 to like 14-year-olds. Super young crowd, super young crowd. And last podcast we also talked like the dirtiest podcast we've ever had. All we talked about was 69ing. Like, it was, it was like the grossest podcast we've ever had. Super sexual. And it was so funny because I, I go on to Instagram the next day when the podcast goes out, and it's just, it's just, I get tagged in an Instagram story. It's like 7 members of the vlog, of the Vibe Crew hanging out in their Tesla, holding a cell phone up to their ears saying, we just listened to David Dobrik's podcast and we heard them talk about the Vibe Crew. Like, it's like fucking these like literally 10-year-old people and like they're all just listening to this. So I almost don't want to bring them up again because I don't want them to listen to this and hear that we're mentioning the Vibe Crew along with all the other fucking shit we talk about. But Vibe Crew, we love you guys. Stay true to what you're doing. I support you guys. I'm excited to see what you guys got coming out.

I was sitting with myself thinking with my thoughts the other day. I don't know, I thought it was kind of crazy that like I was thinking about the universe and space and things that like really weird me out. And I was not high, I was just sitting there and thinking about a bunch of random weird shit, right? And I was thinking, and I wrote it down because maybe you guys have an opinion on it too, but, um, Isn't it kind of crazy how we don't really know, like, why we're here on Earth or how we're here on Earth and how there's, like, different life forms or if there's different life forms?

Yeah, we talk about that literally.

Like, what is this?

What are you in the second grade?

Welcome to Astronomy with Natalie.

Yeah, it's fucking nuts.

I thought you had, like, a new fucking idea.

Yeah, we talk about this all the time.

It's like the most simple question in the world today.

Natalie, how is that simple? It's simple because, like, obviously no one, nobody knows.

Yeah, but how does nobody know?

Oh, that's—

what do you mean that? What do you fucking— first of all, I'm surprised that, like, you know what that is? It's an entry-level question for those types of talks, right? Like, it's like a very, like, um, I'm new to exploring the world. Like, you feel— you almost sound like an alien that's trying to fit in.

I mean, that's literally like, what is the point of our existence? Like, how do we just, like, not know?

Like, I don't get it.

Yeah, you sound Fucking crazy, man.

Yeah, you sound bizarre.

What's the existential question we all come across?

Right.

But this late in the game, when you're 24, I think about this a lot. I think about this a lot.

I just—

I know, but you—

well, I have—

I have—

it's just so funny because I completely know what you're saying, right? We're on the same page here.

Yes.

Okay. Oh, Natalie's agreeing.

I ask myself that question every, every year.

Right, right, right.

Am I here? What's my purpose?

Right, right, right. It's definitely a question that comes up. It's just the fact that it was written down and it was like— and it was like— and she started with like, I have something I thought of. Like, like Gandhi over here just came up with this, like, what is life?

Okay, here's another one. Oh boy. Okay, so I also was thinking it's crazy how air works. That's my third one, actually.

Wait, really?

Really?

Can I read it? Can I read it? Is it actually your third one?

It is my third.

Let me read it. No way! Okay, Nelly has 3 things in her notes, and okay, yeah, her third one is literally, what is turbulence? Pockets of air, but there's really nothing there. It's so bizarre.

That's what she has written down.

Good.

Okay, I didn't read your second one. Read the second one.

What's your second one? Well, my first— this was my first one. I went with the second one with the universe. I thought that would be more interesting. Okay, the first one is Isn't it crazy how time is all relative? Like, what does it mean to not have enough time in the day? Who made up time? Like, someone just came up with—

That's interesting. That's cool.

That's interesting.

Thanks, guys.

That's cool.

That's way cooler than your second one.

Yeah, the second one was like—

Well, the second one's bigger, I think.

Yeah, but everybody thinks of the second one like—

Well, that's what I think. That's why I think so crazy about the second one is that everybody fucking thinks that everyone knows it.

And yeah, but that's like, that's like, it's like, that's like what starts a discussion.

What did you think I was trying to do? Fucking win the Nobel Space Prize?

Fucking second question was so boring Todd fell asleep.

But yeah, that's it.

Wait. Oh yeah, I saw that.

What the hell happened? Wait, Natalie's not done. I'm not done. She wants to find out where quesadillas come from.

I got pulled over today on my bicycle. I didn't have a helmet.

I said that the other day. I was like, why doesn't he have a helmet? And then, and then I said, and then I said, oh, I think in California you don't have to wear a helmet.

Right.

Do you—

don't have to wear one in Illinois. You have to wear one in California. What did the guy say? I got pulled over. I got pulled over for not wearing a helmet. And the guy, like, you know, first off on the mic, he's like, he's like, pull over, go right.

And he's like, take the key out.

I hate that.

He's like, he's like, he's like, take the key out. Like, honestly, on a speakerphone, he's like, take the key out of the bike and throw it on the sidewalk.

Oh, really? That dramatic?

Yeah. Yeah.

This is serious.

I feel like every biker in L.A. runs.

That's fucking crazy.

Yeah.

I feel like he thought I was going to run.

Shit.

So I threw the key on the sidewalk. I get off the bike and he's like, so you're not wearing a helmet. And you also— I can't really see your license plate. And to both, I was like, I was like, yeah, like, I have no excuse, right, for not wearing a fucking helmet, right? I was like, yeah, like, my bad. Like, that's all I could say.

Like, I'm sorry.

Excuses.

He's a fucking dumbass.

And so, and so he made— he made me fucking call a friend to bring bring me my helmet.

And where were you?

I was a friend.

I had to call David to bring my helmet down.

But what part of town were you in?

I was in Studio City.

I got— oh, so not that far. Yeah, I was really lucky.

That's good. But usually cops don't care. Like, I don't pass— I've passed by like a good 10 cops without my helmet. Really? And like, they just kind of look at me weird. But you know, but this cop cared. Yeah, I should probably wear—

gonna have that guy fix it for you. You want to explain what your reasoning that you gave to me of why you don't wear a helmet? Oh yeah. First of all, this is the first thing I said when you got this bike. I'm like, bro, wear a fucking helmet. Like, you're just going to die.

Yeah, I'll explain. When I'm riding a bike, I want to be free. I want to be free like a bird. Like, I just want to fucking— like, if I have a helmet on, I feel like I'm in a cage. Like, it's just claustrophobic, like annoying, fucking hot. If I have no helmet on, I'm just like free.

I'm just chilling. I get you. That's literally like the audio will play at your funeral.

I wanted to be a bird.

But I get that. Rest in peace, Ilya Fedorovich.

That's why—

with the birds. That's like when they say, like, you know, the guy, like, rock climbs and like, yeah, but he died. He loved doing it. That's what he loved to do, right?

So it's okay. I definitely see myself dying in like a bike accident.

You love it that much? You're cool with dying? Yeah. Yeah.

Well, there you have it. Not yet, maybe in like 20 years, but I'm down.

No, you don't get to make that decision.

I do, because like, I'm actually very careful on my bike.

When you die and it's like something like that, how do you want me to react?

I just honestly, I don't want you to be sad at all and just know that like I went out being happy. And I want you to— I want you to play this at my funeral. Actually, I'll think of something to play at my funeral.

I'll send What song do you want me to play at your funeral? When I— when I— when there's walkout music for—

we—

Lip Gloss. Okay. When I walk out— for when I walk out to talk about you, you want Lip Gloss to play? Yeah.

Fuck.

Okay. We got to make that happen. Gloss. I don't know, but my lip gloss is popping. My lip gloss is cool.

What if you don't die happy? What if you're torn apart by bears?

Well, that has nothing to do with him being on a motorcycle unless he's driving through Utah. Then yes, that would be dangerous.

Well, okay. It's so funny, like I get like all these dirty looks from like other motorcyclists, like all these other bikers. Like I'll pass them, I'll like be friendly. Yeah, and they'll like give me the signal to like wear my helmet.

Oh yeah, I want to say something. I want to say something. I've been holding this for a while. I'm about to— me, because this is going to affect you the most. Um, I want— this is, this is actually going to be something that's going to— a lot of people are maybe going to be upset with me about after I say this.

Okay.

They're going to think I'm having another dinner.

They're going to think I'm naive. They're going to think I'm stupid. And I agree with them to some point. I do think that this is— this is how I currently think. I don't— you know, I'll get older. I'll— maybe I'll change my mind. But right now I'm about to say something pretty controversial. So, so, you know, buckle down. I, I absolutely— I cannot describe to you how much I fucking hate nature. Oh my God. I hate nature.

Didn't you just go on like a crazy walk in San Francisco and stuff?

I just went to Utah. Yeah. And I cannot put fingers— I cannot explain to you how much nature just aggravates me. I have, I have never been so— What does that mean? I don't know. And I never knew I could be so angry.

I was just so—

Like, what do you mean you don't like nature?

You're a country person. I was just on a hike and I was like— and, and like, I was on a hike because I was, you know, I like to run every day and now I had no choice. I was like, okay, I'm gonna go hike. So I was hiking through the mountains and I was just— everybody I saw, I just got angry at. I was like, why are you here? Like, I was so mad. I was so mad. I don't know what it was. I was just getting so angry. And it feels so wrong because everybody loves nature. You count running as nature? Uh, do it. Maybe. Yeah. Um, yeah, yeah, that's—

that's— so you go— when you go hiking, you're pissed that you're out there?

I'm not pissed. I'm just like, there's something— I don't know if it's my family that like made me hate it, but like my family was always— they loved the outdoors and like they loved deep-seated Maybe, but bro, I cannot—

everything with him is deep-seated trauma that he refuses to actually confront.

But I hate it, Jay. I hate it. I was so angry.

I was just—

I would just— I— because I don't get it.

I don't— yeah, because you never like the beach.

Like, when I go to the beach, what is so cool about something that's been there for exist— like, for every fucking— it's been there for millions of years.

What is so cool about that?

I can tell you for me it's cool.

What's cool?

I can tell you for me, yeah, it's calming.

I don't see— I don't find it calming.

I find it frustrating.

That's fine. It feels like It feels like everything that I've worked for has just been erased, and now I'm stuck with the dirt and the grass and the leaves. What's cool to me is a skyscraper, like something that somebody made.

I mean, that's cool too, but it's like, it's so much cooler than nature.

Like, if I want to be calm, I want to sit and watch, like, look at a skyline.

I mean, the reason why you have lights and you have a city and you have a home is because of nature. Like, that's what's so beautiful about it, is like it naturally occurs. Like, nobody made it. It just literally started and exists, right?

From this— when you're in nature, don't you go, oh wow, like, this is what it was like before, like, everything? No, you never sit there and go like—

I honestly don't. I'm not just trying to say this to sound edgy and not like nature.

I just— no one thinks you're edgy.

I just— you're not like in nature. Well, I just felt—

because a lot of times— yo, man, Dave's fucking cool, man.

A lot of times I take the opposition and like I say things like like just to get a rise out of people. But like right now I'm being genuine, like in a private room.

I mean, it doesn't make sense why it would frustrate you.

I don't know, I don't want to keep talking because I feel like I'm just pissing people off. But like, that, that is just how I feel about nature. And I really don't think too many people agree with me on this one. This is the one where I'm gonna take—

I got so many D— I, I don't usually get a lot of DMs. I got a lot of DMs this week about the podcast last week about defending Ilya, about the 69 thing. They were so funny. They were like, Jay, thank you so much for defending Ilya. I'm so proud of you that you backed Ilya up. They don't talk to him like he's a chimp. So many people on my side. Mind you, a lot of the guys that were defending Ilya were fucking— look just like Ilya.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? White BMW and a Gucci watch. It is a time— I just realized I didn't even— I was joking about the white BMW, but you actually drive a white BMW and wear a Gucci watch, which were both jokes.

Did you get a lot of DMs about the podcast last week? Just no? Was I the only one? No, he's pissed. I got it.

He's out. You know what I thought was really weird the other day? I was watching a TikTok and it was this— it was this little girl being held by her father, like a maybe 2, 3-year-old girl. I don't know, very young. And they're at a bakery and they're watching the baker bake. And the baker blows flour, like blows flour right onto the glass. And with the flour, he draws a smiley face and it like— it just makes the girl smile. And you just fucking— you just think to yourself, holy fuck. Did this baker just influence this girl to be a fucking like chef herself when she grows up? Like, is this interaction going to mean so much to her because she's so young and she's so easily like imprinted on or whatever?

Like, I think about that all the time with my kids. The little things I say, I'm like, did I just fuck them up for life?

Like that, you know, a little backwards.

You know what I just thought about? Maybe the reason I love food so much is because I would have so many positive interactions at restaurants. Like, I had— it sounds crazy, but this is real. Like, like all my birthday parties as a kid at restaurants, always eating like Portillo's. Lots of birthday parties at Portillo's.

Oh, that is so interesting. And with—

and my parents were divorced, I'd only see my dad at dinner.

Like, he would take me to dinner and we would have like a good time. Jason, who'd you have an interaction with? Like a baby raccoon? I'm gonna be like that raccoon digging through the trash.

Fuck you guys.

Wait, when's your birthday?

This weekend. Friday. Your birthday's Friday? Yeah. What are you doing for your birthday?

Nothing, just hanging out.

I guess we can't do anything.

Fucking hate birthdays, Jay. Hate birthdays.

They should be called death days. Why do you hate birthdays? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on.

Fuck birthdays, man. It's literally like it's a year closer to your death date.

You're running out of fucking time. It's literally the most negative fucking holiday.

That's not why it's negative.

Yes, it is.

It's one of the many reasons.

There's probably 15 reasons that are negative. I think it's negative because Because everyone just like puts so much pressure on. Yes.

Yeah, there's, there's a lot of pressure on like to be for it to be really good and like fun. Like, fuck that. Like, I just want it to be a regular day.

Like, if it's fun, great. If the pressure— yeah, there is.

There's so much.

There's so much something that's fun.

No, you should just— it's a, it's an— like, you're supposed to celebrate your life.

That's you guys. You guys live in this world where everything's got to be like fucking—

it doesn't have to be epic.

I don't agree.

I know it could literally be you and your friends hanging out on the couch.

Yeah, but like, people just like people in the back of their minds like, oh, it's Ilya's birthday.

Like, hey, I even fucking hate when people wish me happy birthday. I wish people didn't know it was my fucking—

oh, I hate birthdays, but I love when people wish me happy birthday.

No, I hate— oh, I love it. My birthday, I love it. I get texts all day.

Oh bro, remember in high school your popularity was judged by how many people said happy birthday on your birthday wall? Yeah, that's how, that's how I would check to see who was the most popular.

I would literally go home at school, like after school, and like go check the number to make sure it was like over 100.

Yeah, right, like over 100 was a number to hit. I remember I was on Facebook and like, and it was like midnight when it was my birthday, and I had like 13, like right as midnight turned. I was like, holy fuck, like I'm in good standing, so it's gonna be a good day. Like, I think I'll make it past like my 60 mark, which is what I'm trying to beat from last year.

Like when I post and the video does good in the first hour and then tanks.

I'd have to ask, I asked my friends, like my home, like my close friends, like Alex and like John, to comment on my— to put something on my birthday wall because I wanted to add to the amount of people. Because like then Facebook would put out a notification like it was Miranda Jacobson and 45 others wished blah blah happy birthday.

But then you would also like measure the status of like how good friends you were with someone and the popular person by what your birthday happy birthday was. Was it like a sentence? Yeah, it was. If it was just happy birthday smiley face, you're like, you don't really know them. But like, I would always put so much effort into my birthday wishes on Facebook because I wanted to prove that I was like really good friends with these people. It's like, oh my God, I love you so much, remember that time? Like, right, like, you're the best person in the world, and like go on and on and on.

I'm so glad I'm off Facebook.

At the time it was fucking lit.

David dies right now. What do we all do?

Yo, I thought about this yesterday.

Go look for a new job.

Why are you trying to kill me?

It's just been a weird week and I was like, what happens? Like, what do we do?

Like, what's the order?

Like, well, you can't post.

Like, who becomes David?

No, but like, no, like, what do we do? We come here to this house and we're like, are we all out of a job?

That is interesting.

Yeah, you're out of a job.

Like, I just fucking moved to L.A. What the fuck do I do now?

Yeah, that would be weird. Like, what happens then? Yeah. Is the business dead or does Natalie take over and start posting as me?

Like, actually, what happens?

What do you want?

What do you want?

Tell us right now. If I die?

Yeah.

I don't really see how the business would continue.

It would be it. Unless, like, we'll just, you know, there has to be funny.

You guys are all reading my will and it's like Ilya is like rubbing his hands, like getting ready to receive most of the money. Natalie's like there. She's like, okay, I know a lot's coming to me. And then it goes, I know. And all the, and all the proceedings from David Dobrik LLC will go to Taylor. Everyone looks at— everyone turns around to look at Taylor in the back of the room, like, wiping a dish off. She's washing the dishes and she's just like, what?

I don't know. That'd be really funny though. The first thing I thought of when you said that, like, what if you died? I was like, the money goes to Ilya.

That's like the first— that is my code right now. What would you do if I died and you came to work and Natalie's like, hey, Tae, David's dead. I just walked in in the room.

He's dead.

Well, God, she would probably think that I did it.

First of all, she choked Natalie out.

Natalie, I think Natalie killed David. I don't think so. Well, I'd go looking for you because just to make sure you didn't run away somewhere.

No, I'm dead in the room, Tae.

Oh, not like the immediate, like, what do we do with his body? It's like, what are our next steps?

What do we do next?

Oh, figure out the will.

No, not like that. Like, like as a person, you don't come in here like, he's dead. Uh, what's the will like? What are we with the person?

Yeah, I don't know, go to therapy after seeing a dead body.

Do you cry? Yeah. Ella, you would cry, obviously, if I died.

We would be all depressed.

I think I would eventually cry. I don't think that would be the first thing I would do.

Oh my God, you're psychotic.

I think when Todd starts, uh, stops coming around as much because he actually liked, uh, you more, then I would start crying more.

No, I don't think I would cry either first because I, I experienced similar situations and I literally—

I think you—

I would be frozen and not cry until like 3 hours in.

Oh man, I wish I could just fucking be dead tomorrow.

But I've never seen a dead body. I've had people die, I've never actually seen their dead bodies.

My dead body would be super weird. Yeah, my dead body would— I feel would be like the weirdest out of all your dead bodies, you know?

Yeah, I think so too. Me, I'm already dead, right? Like, if you saw me dead, you'd be like, oh yeah, Jason, wake up.

Oh, Jason, you actually look like you showered today.

I think— I mean, I would immediately cry, but that's just— I agree that people, like, react differently. I would react like that. But I saw a dead body— like, my— when my grandfather died, I was like, fucking open casket for—

no, that's crazy.

So fucking weird. And it was like— it was so weird. But the thing—

my friend— AJ, I dare you right now, if I die and it's an open casket, I dare you to make out with me. Oh, you have my permission.

Just do it.

Okay, I'm down. I'm gonna tell everybody that I said that it was okay on the podcast.

I don't know if that's how that would work. This is okay, what I'm about to do to the, to the body. I'm gonna put my tongue in David's mouth.

I know it sounds weird. You have to say it fast too before some people start freaking out. I have to kiss David real quick.

He said in the podcast it's okay.

That'd be so episode 244.

Jason, if David does die, like, whoa, me, Natalie, and I will be assistants.

Oh, fuck yeah, that'd be so great.

Hold on, hold on, you just signed me up for something that I did not want to do.

Wait, I have a better question. What would you do if one of us dies?

I mean, uh, ZipRecruiter has actually— which leads me to my new ad. But what I would actually do if one of you guys died, it depends. I think I'd react differently for everybody.

Okay.

If Natalie died first, because Natalie, I would be ecstatic.

Thrilled. I think he would be so lost.

I'd start— No, Natalie, I'd be really bummed. Now, that would be the bummest.

Obviously. But I'm saying, what would you do? Like, you just asked us a question.

What would you do?

The bummest. What would I do?

I'd like— I feel like you wouldn't know anything.

I'd call everybody. I'd call everybody. And now he died, right?

Yeah. Call me right now.

I'd be like, Jason, Hey, what's up? Knowing me, I'd probably be like, Jason, guess who died? Two more guesses. Ah, someone closer to me.

I don't know. Okay, fuck it.

Killing—

where's right next to me?

Ilya?

Natalie?

Natalie's dead? And I'm like, yeah, isn't that crazy? That's really sad.

No, I don't know.

I actually don't know how I would react if any of you guys died. I'd be pretty sad.

I mean, I, I would hope you'd be sad, but I'm more just like, well, you're gonna— like, I generally feel like if Natalie especially were to die, that you wouldn't actually know what is going on in your life.

If Natalie—

like, you would wake up and be like, what's going on? You're like, where am I?

I mean, if Natalie died, if Natalie died, it'd probably take a big break from like posting things.

Oh, 2 days later, Instagram— don't do me any favors.

Sunset, it's so nice. Guys, Natalie passed away, so we're doing 30% off all merch. This is what you would have wanted.

You have RIP merch?

Yeah. Oh my God, RIP.

It's the Natalie RIP collection. Limited edition. It's embroidered. We have Natalie's name embroidered in the RIP. It's like a bedazzled bubbly letters. It's really nice.

She's in the Ford Bronco here.

It's beautiful.

Auctioning it off. Yeah. What would you do with the money if you're in charge of the will? What do you do with it?

I think that, that David would hand it off to me knowing that, like, knowing that, like, I would do something responsible with it.

And I think that's it.

30 jet skis.

But fun. Joe's next video, call everybody to go Who wants a jet ski? Responsible?

You're the worst with money.

I think that he'd give it to you not because you'd be responsible with it, because you would do like the most fun thing with it.

You would just take it off yourself.

I would give it all to your parents. You know, I wouldn't even think twice. I just give it all to your parents.

Really?

Yeah.

I feel like if I die, my will would say like, Ilya, here's all my money, but you have 24 hours to spend it. Make sure you record it. Like, that'd be really fun. Like, if you had—

that's a lot. But then like, we could get a sick house, a fucking yacht.

A villa in Italy.

Italy? I don't have fucking $300 million, but— All right guys, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for listening. Jay, thank you for being the co-host today. Thanks for having me. I think I'm gonna have you back next week. You fucking killed it this week. Thanks, brother. All right, we'll see you guys later. Go check out the new perfume, go check out Jason's merch, and, uh, my name is Jeff.

Bye, guys.