Sex With Two Girls

What's up guys, welcome to Views, the podcast where I could see one of Jason's testicles from here.

And that's Brian that you're looking at. What would you like to see, Larry?

No, I mean, Brian's, uh, Brian looks like a pretty stretchy guy.

I'll tell you something, man, I cannot get out of an automobile without crushing my nuts. It's really bad.

What do you mean?

I just can't get out of an automobile without crushing my nuts. And okay, you know when you get in a car, right?

I also have Um, that part.

Oh, you have that problem too?

No, but I never crush them.

So I mean, it's because I'm older and my nuts are down to my knees, but you— it's awful.

And you just— you get out of the car and they get caught somewhere?

Yeah, they're just like— it's so painful. Ask your dad if that happens to him.

I'm good. I don't have this conversation with him. All right, roll in some music. Hey guys, welcome back to the podcast. I'm David, that's Jason. What's up guys? We're two, um, What would you call us, YouTubers?

Yeah.

We're two YouTubers, social media guys. I was actually at a party, and just to show you how little respect people have for YouTubers, I was at a party and I was with Charlie Puth. And Charlie Puth is a big-time musical star. And this girl came up to us and she started talking to us. And she didn't know who Charlie was. She didn't know who I was. And I explained to her, I'm like, yeah, Charlie has this song, this song, this song. And she's like, oh, OK, yeah, I've definitely heard those songs. I know who you are. And then she asked me what I do. And I go, I'm actually Charlie's groupie. And I'm like, he's one of the best guys ever. He takes care of me. I just hang out with him. I kind of sleep at his house and keep him company. And she was so into it. She was asking me all these questions. And then I kept that up. And then 3 hours later, she came back. And she's like, well, you're not a groupie. What do you actually do? She was kind of on to me. And I was like, I make videos. I make videos on YouTube. And she goes, oh, you're a YouTuber. And her respect dropped for me, from me being a guy who clenches on to the fame of Charlie Puth to being a YouTuber. She lost respect for me. That was a big wake-up call for me. I was like, wow, OK.

A groupie, which is a girl who goes from city to city waiting to suck the rock star's cock.

It's not a girl. It could be a boy.

Or a boy. Either way. It's normally— the definition is sex.

For a groupie. I know we all know what a groupie is, but what is a groupie?

A groupie is somebody who tries to have sex with a rock star, traditionally. And like follows them around.

And is that what would happen?

Yeah.

So back in the day, like when Bon Jovi would tour around, he'd have groupies.

There's groupies.

And then these girls, or whatever he was into at the time, they would have sex with him? How does this work? Or would he be like, would he be weirded out that these girls are following him around?

No, no, no, no, like, I don't want to pin this on Bon Jovi, but back in the day— No, no, Bon Jovi, let's take Bon Jovi, he's happily married.

No, no, not Bon Jovi.

Not Bon Jovi, but yeah.

I'll make up a rock star.

Led Zeppelin had groupies.

Oh, okay.

Right, so Led Zeppelin, they come to town and there's girls that follow them from town to town and they try to get in the hotel room and they try to have sex with them. That's the definition of a groupie.

And how would the girls pay for their hotels when they would go from town to town?

Well, they probably would stay in a van or sleep in their car. They wouldn't actually have enough money for a hotel, most of them. Or maybe some of them do. Or there's NBA groupies. There's girls that follow NBA players around from city to city.

Oh, interesting.

And that's their life.

Were you ever a groupie?

Yes.

For what?

I was.

You know the magician Doug Henning? You know David Copperfield?

Yeah.

Yeah, I was a groupie, one of his groupies from '87 to '92.

You slept in the van?

What?

You slept in a van?

I slept in a van.

That's so interesting. I've always wondered that. How does a groupie pay for things? Would the rock star pay for their stuff?

Not at all.

No?

Not at all. It's just a privilege for the rock star to have sex with you. They're giving you the honor.

Oh, really?

Interesting. Yeah, I mean, that's the way it used to work.

I heard a story once about rock stars that they would have a guy from their team go out and take videos of all the girls that were outside of like their venue. And the videographer would like record and be like, "Who's your favorite member of the group?" And they'd be like, "I love Tommy." And then he'd be like, "What would you do with Tommy?" And be like, "Oh, I love him. I'd make out with him." Whatever. And then they would make separate tapes for each of the guys. And the guys would watch it back and they'd pick the girls that they thought were the cutest.

[Speaker] Oh my gosh.

Wow.

That'd be the life, huh?

I don't know. I think that's kind of fucking weird.

I think it's kind of weird to send another man out to get you a girl. That's a little strange. Imagine if I was like, Jonah, go see what's going on at the 7-Eleven.

I hear that about a lot of celebrities. They'll be at bars, and they'll send a security guard and be like, hey, Mr.— I don't know. I don't want to put anybody in this, but so-and-so wants to come talk to you. Wants to come hang out with you.

Right.

Yeah, and then that's how you get introduced to whoever you're talking to.

I dated a girl that was approached by a Hall of Famer basketball player. And he sent the man over.

Oh, yeah?

Did I tell you this story?

He sent the security guard over?

Yeah, he sent his guy over and was like, hey, so-and-so wants to talk to you. And she was like, no, no, I'm good. I'm good. And then the basketball player came over, and he was like, hey, I'm in room 704. And she was like, no, I'm good. And he goes, what? Seriously?

Really?

Like that? She's like, yeah, I'm good. He's like, no, no, stop playing. Like he had never been told no before.

Oh my fucking goodness.

Yeah.

It's kind of like you.

Yeah, kind of like me when I go down to the—

Could you imagine if that's how you were with girls? No, I don't want to sleep with you. Come on, quit fucking around. I know you want some of this Nash gravy. Natalie has a story that she's been saving for the podcast. Did you write it down?

Yes. So, when I was in like the third grade, I grew up, my parents were never together and I grew up with a single mom. I know, this is so sad. Not sad at all. But, and I sat at this table with like, with kids just in like my third grade class and one of the girls that I was really good friends with sat at the table with me. Her name was Cherie. And she—

did you try to make up a name?

No, that's actually her name. I just don't— she's not gonna listen to the podcast. I just said it like she listens to the podcast and she's gonna hear me calling her out, but she's not.

Um, you're gonna get a text from her. There's someone that knows Cherie. Guys, if you know a Cherie, make sure to play this part of the podcast to Cherie.

And she was a very— like, her and I played violin together and we went to the same, like, piano lesson place. Like, she was very conservative and, like, well-grounded or whatever.

Yeah.

And my family values were definitely a lot different than hers. And so, one day, we were all just sitting around the table, and I was trying to explain to her like my family situation, 'cause like it's really hard for a kid to understand like divorced parents, I guess, and, or at least in that time. And I remember just like, she was like, "So, your parents were never together?" And I was like, I was like, "Yeah." She's like, "But they had you as a baby. Like, you were, you're their baby." And I was like, "Yeah, I'm like, I'm their child." And she was like, "So, you're a bastard." And we're in third grade. I was like, "I guess." Like, I had no idea what that meant. This is like not a sad story. I think it's funny 'cause there's just like a little third grade girl that was just like, "You're a bastard." And I was like, "What are you saying?" Cherie, if you're listening to this, you asshole. I remembered that for the rest of my life, Cherie. Yeah, look at me now, Cherie. Fuck you.

If it makes you feel better, I was a one-night stand too.

Yeah, I wasn't a one-night stand, but Natalie was like, nice shot, Karina.

My parents actually loved each other.

No, I believe you.

Karina's also here. Karina, you were bullied in high school, right?

What do people call you?

Called me SpongeBob.

Why?

I had like buck teeth and like my nose didn't grow into my face yet.

People would literally call you SpongeBob?

Yeah.

And this girl—

where— what schools are people going to where they're calling them like serious?

Like 20 minutes away from each other.

I know, but people didn't call anybody names like that. Like SpongeBob. Yeah, dude, Jonah just said he used to be called Kirby.

This is what happened is I was in, um, I was sitting in one of my classes and I like had just gotten there late and this girl behind me was talking and saying like, yeah, I'm gonna like make a shank out of a toothbrush and like stab her in the belly button. And like she was talking about me. Like I found out later she was saying it right in front of me to like all the people around me and no one stuck up for me. She literally threatened to like kill me by stabbing me in the belly button.

Why didn't she like you?

I don't know, but like I look at her now sometimes every once in a while and like I feel bad, you know what I'm saying?

So, okay, okay, they call you SpongeBob?

Mm-hmm.

In what situation would they call you SpongeBob? Like in the middle of the cafeteria, on the bus? Like what?

No, just like behind my back kind of like shit, I guess.

Really?

Yeah, people were really mean to me in junior high.

What kind of a person were you in junior high?

I was just like average, I guess. I don't know. I was fine in high school, but yeah, junior high, like, and I was in like a— at one point, I was like friends with these 3 girls, and like one of the girls I was friends with was friends with the girl that would bully me, and like every so often, like she would go and like I guess people used to call me Bieber.

There was like this one Russian guy on my bus that would call me Bieber all the time, and I would like— I know it doesn't sound like an insult because we've been over this. I know Justin Bieber is one of the most successful people in the world, but at the time it was like when he had his flippy hair and like it was like if you looked like him, like you got made fun of. So people would call me Bieber all the time.

Wait, one last thing. This kid would make fun of me on the bus, and I remember one day I was so fed up with it that I remember I kicked him as hard as I could in the shin, like, as hard as I possibly could, because I was just like done. And I remember kicking him and being like in tears, but like I didn't want to show it because it hurts so bad. And I like hadn't taken my shoe off all day. I was at school all day. I got home and my whole toenail was black and blue, and like blood came out from under it. How hard I kicked it.

What did he do when you kicked him? I don't remember.

All I remember is kicking him and having a black and blue toe. So it was just instant karma for him bullying me.

Yeah. So when I was called Bieber I mean, I mean, so hard for you. Yeah, it doesn't sound bad, but it was like, and it was like that Russian guy that would always call me Bieber. He was the worst. And I remember, did I tell you when I like snapped?

Yeah, on the bus.

Yeah, I snapped on— that was bad. Don't do that. Don't do that. Just ignore people.

I used to snap all the time, but I've gotten more calm.

Did you snap back?

I was really popular in high school, by the way.

Did you snap back at your bullies ever, Jason?

Yeah, yeah, I would get like that nerd rage. Really? Yeah.

When did you snap back at a bully?

A bunch of times. You just have enough, and you're just like, that's it. And you just fucking go crazy. And then you just look like a— I went to that place of like, all right, I'm going to get so crazy that they'll eventually be like, all right, this guy's fucking crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah. And that sometimes works. What's the best way to deal with a bully, David?

I think just ignore them. I mean, I snap back, and I fucking confront them.

What if the person works with you, though, and you have to see them every day?

Whoa.

How would you deal with a bully then?

That just sounds like a toxic relationship. I wouldn't even be around them. Why do you see him every day? You can't get a new job?

I have this job and there's this one guy who's like really mean to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you can't get a different job?

Nope, I can't.

Why?

Because I have a podcast with this person.

Why don't you just take it up with HR or someone that can help you out with this?

I did, now they told me to fuck, go screw.

Oh, she's on his side too?

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

She called me pussy as well.

This guy you do the podcast with sounds like a douche, but he does sound like He has you by the balls.

Yeah, pretty much.

Corinna called me the other day.

I called him at 2:30 in the morning.

He was like, are you on drugs?

What's wrong?

Corinna called me like freaking out in the morning at 2:30. I had a flight in 3 hours, and I was so disoriented, and I didn't pick up first, but then I was like, she could be in trouble. There could be something dangerous.

Oh, thanks for actually caring for once in my life.

So I called, and first it sounded like she was sobbing. But it wasn't. You were just— you wanted to call me because you had sex with a girl?

Yeah.

Okay. Which is a weird thing to call someone about.

I don't know.

I just had to tell someone and I just felt like you were the one for whatever reason.

And this is the first person you— this was the first girl you've ever had sex with?

Like full-blown sex.

Did you get turned on?

No, not at all. I was— I was—

Shane was literally like, I'm hanging up now. I have to go.

Which, listen, Corinne, this story is great, but it's more of like a 2:00, 3:00 PM story or maybe like a 7:00 PM story.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like it was the wrong time for sure.

Yeah.

Okay, so explain to me the sex with the girl. How did this come about?

Well, I don't know. I've always like been joking with this girl about like having sex.

Yeah.

And like I've messed around, but like not full-blown like, like I always knew I was into girls.

Okay, sure. So you had sex with this girl. How did this come about? It's funny because we were hanging out like previously, like 12 hours before you called me.

Yeah.

And you were talking about how One of your biggest goals before you die is what?

To have a threesome with two girls.

Is to have a threesome with two girls. And then right—

I hope my mom doesn't watch the podcast.

You can't watch these, you can only listen. And then literally 12 hours later, half of that goal is almost complete. You hooked up with your first female.

Yeah. Well, like I said before, I've already done kind of things, but this was like full blown.

Was it better than hooking up with a guy? Because she knew more about how a girl's body works, and she knew what you needed?

I honestly like it equally. I don't know.

Oh, wow.

Like, I'm definitely gonna do it again.

Sure.

But I still really like— maybe I'll just have to have one guy and one girl.

Would you ever be in a, like, a relationship with a guy and a girl?

Like polyamorous?

Yeah, well, I've always been into the idea of, like, being in a relationship with a guy and then, like, bringing in the right girl to, like, have spice up your life.

Yeah, that's so crazy.

Why?

So, no, it's just cool.

It's like such a guy thing to say, yo, it's just cool.

She's like, oh, this is like amazing. Oh my God. So you're saying if you find the right person and you're dating for like 3, 4, 5 years, maybe you're married, down the road you could see yourself introducing a girl into the mix?

Yeah. My only problem is like I'm a very, very sexualized, over-sexualized person.

Is that the right word? I'm very sexual, but I'm terrified. And believe or not. I know you guys are not gonna believe it. I'm terrified of STDs.

Sure, that's normal.

Terrified.

Yeah.

So I would literally— this sounds so bad, but like, if STDs weren't a thing, I'd probably sleep around like so much more. And I want to like do a lot of things, a lot of different people, and like have threesomes all the time, but I'm just too scared of like getting herpes and dying, you know what I'm saying?

I want to fuck everybody in this room right now, but yeah, for sure.

That's why I just go home and have a box of cookies.

I mean, honestly, sometimes cookies are way more satisfying.

Interesting.

And you don't— you're not scared of your boyfriend or husband at the time being more attracted to the girl that you bring in? And would you bring in a girl— would you bring in a girl that's more— that's like uglier than you, so like, so you know?

Well, that's what me and my friend have— me and one of my good friends have this conversation all the time. Threeway is a special thing because you want it to be a hot girl, right? Because you don't want to like hook up with an ugly girl, but you don't want them to be hotter than you and more threatening. So it's really complicated. And also like, they just have to be like They can't be too close to you, but like, you know.

It's like picking an opener when you're a headlining stand-up comic. You want somebody good, but not better than you.

Yeah.

Oh, wow, right.

But it's also, then the STD thing comes in. You make sure they're clean. Like, what is their past? Do you ask them for their records? Like, I don't know.

Yeah, 100%.

I'm weird. All my exes— Todd can vouch for this— before we make things official, I make them get tested.

Let's say you're hooking up with another girl and your husband, and your husband is obviously more into her than you. Do you get mad even though it was your idea?

I don't have a husband and I've never been in this scenario.

I'd have to trust my husband and I feel like if I know my husband genuinely cares about me, like, no offense, but like to me, an example of this is like hooking up with somebody who you have feelings for versus hooking up with someone on a one-night stand. The person you have feelings for is gonna feel so much better in the long run. So it's like, yeah, they might have a great time that night, but like in the long run, That's your wife, you know, like you might have a great time then, but I don't think that that would hopefully change anything.

Sure.

I think it has to be the right person.

No, that makes sense.

I think it's less problematic than you think.

I feel like if you're in love with somebody and then you happen to have some sort of sexual escapade, you're still gonna be with that person you married and you love.

Yeah.

Yeah, so yeah, when are we setting this three-way up?

The Fuse podcast three-way?

No, I mean, I just, I've always joked around with this person and—

Where were you?

Set the stage. Where were you? What happened?

What night?

Explain.

Go into detail.

What were you wearing? No, no, you got to explain. Like, you got to go, were you at a party? Were you drunk? Was she drunk? What happened? Like, explain.

We both just were like, let's meet up. I don't want to say where we met up, but we were at somebody's house.

Great.

Let's just say that we are at mine and we were in the bed. And were you drunk? No, we weren't drunk.

And then all of a sudden, did it start off as making out? Did it start off as a joke? Like, oh, I'm gonna kiss you, and then it actually happened?

I mean, I mean, explain it to me real slowly. And from the beginning, grab myself. No, I mean, we've always joked in the past, but that night it was kind of joking but not really.

Sure. And then she— who made the first move?

She— I think she made the first move.

Wow. Okay.

And then we just started making out, and then next thing I knew, we were naked.

Oh my fucking goodness, that is insane. Yeah, that's honestly— that's how Jason's— Jason and I's brainstorming sessions go too, to be honest. We're thinking of vlog ideas, and then all of a sudden we're naked.

Yeah.

We were actually brainstorming, you know.

Yeah, Jason's on top of me and I'm coming up with ways to shoot him with a paintball gun.

Yeah, and then what?

Then she just left?

She stayed the night?

What happened?

Um, you tell the worst story.

You literally tell the worst stories. It's like you weren't even there.

I just don't want to give too much away. People are already gonna freaking probably know.

How?

How could you possibly give up? It's the story.

It's okay, no one's gonna know, right? No one's gonna know.

I'm overthinking. Okay, so I went to their house. We got naked, we did some crazy things, and then I ended up—

Karina, you're the worst storyteller.

We went to their house, we did crazy, insane, unbelievable things you guys couldn't even imagine, and then I left.

Took off my pants and ate my pussy.

No, that's not what I'm saying. It's like, the— Karina, Chase is like, that's what I'm talking about.

No, I'm saying like, there's a lot of people that haven't hooked up with the person of same sex. Like, there's people that have an experiment, like How did that even, like, I can't even like—

Okay, like I said, it started as a joke. We've always joked around. We've always been like, oh yeah, like, I'm gonna fuck you, but like, we were friends already, so it wasn't anything crazy.

Sure.

And then one night I went over there thinking it was gonna be the same joking friendship, and next thing you know, we were making out on her bed.

Okay, I feel like you skipped like an important part.

What was the important part?

Who was the like— Who was the top in the relationship? Who like took charge?

Now you're getting into like a weird part.

I think she did. No, but I mean, like I said, that's why I went over there not knowing that we were going to hook up.

Yeah.

And then all of a sudden—

You want to give her a little shout out right now? Who's this girl we're talking about?

Did you text her the next day?

She actually sent me a goodnight text.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

OK, guys, and now this is the other end. This is who Corinna hooked up with.

You want to introduce yourself?

I hate you.

Natalie.

There was something I wanted to say.

Oh my God, if you and Natalie were hooking up, I would move back to my hometown and I'd never come back again.

No, you would be extremely horny all the time.

Are you on crack, Corinna?

No, I am not.

You think that's what turns me on?

You are in love with Natalie and the thought of women hooking up with each other.

Don't even lie.

Oh, actually, that's not true.

Well, that's great, Corinna.

Thank you, Corinna, for sharing with us that story. I'm going to go use the bathroom. I'll be back to continue the podcast.

We're going to take a break right now, guys. David needs a minute.

Maybe 10, maybe 25. I think I'm going to move.

What?

Yeah. Natalie's kind of scared of the people that keep coming up to our door.

Did you have an incident?

And we're married, so we got to move out of here. So we didn't have an incident, but so many people come up here. It's like, it doesn't make any sense. And they all hear me say, please don't come to my house.

Yeah.

'Cause that's the first thing they say is they go, I know you told people not to come to your house.

Right, but I'm the one person that could.

But can I be the exception? Yeah, and it is scary 'cause people come at random times and it's like, I don't know. People will come at midnight just fucking banging on the door.

Yeah, I've left at like 12:30 the other night and there was a guy just standing in the driveway and I went, oh! Like that, and he put his hands out and he went, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and he just froze, and he's like, I know I'm not supposed to be here, I know I'm not supposed to, and I'm like, bro, you cannot just be here. It was late.

And I'm still super nice when people come.

You are, you're super nice. You have the patience of a saint.

Thank you.

I'll tell you that much.

I'm very patient.

You have a lot of awful qualities about you, but with the fans, you are great. What did you say?

What? What did you say?

I said you have a lot of awful qualities about you.

Oh, okay, I thought I heard you say that. It's actually right by your street.

Oh, you already picked a house out?

I found a house there.

Oh shit.

$8 million.

Perfect. A drop in the bucket.

I can't afford $8 million. It's so weird because buying a house is like, you don't like actually spend the money. You kind of just like put it in a separate account.

Yep.

Because then you get it back later when you sell the house.

True.

Most of the time, like 80% of the time, I feel like.

Maybe you need to go somewhere where there's like, you know, gates, like a gated community.

Ah, but that's too far out. I don't want to do that.

It's not. There's gated communities around here. There's houses with gates all over. There's private roads and stuff.

I don't know, man.

I had— I've got a moving situation myself. I moved in Zane and Matt today into my house.

Oh yeah, you have new roommates.

And last night I had to tell my kids that they were no longer— that both Zane and Matt were moving in.

Yeah, you have two rooms that your kids stayed in.

Yep.

And I was just paying too much in rent, and the kids are moving out, so your kids can't live with you anymore, but your two teenage friends are moving in instead.

That's not true. My kids can still stay with me, but they don't get their own room.

That is, they'll just share your room?

Yeah, for now. Which we've done that before.

No, I'm totally—

Charlie was not happy about it.

She wasn't?

Well, she doesn't like Zane's videos.

Really?

So no, she, she, um, she was not happy. He was fine.

What did she say?

She was like, um, she like, she like went and she closed the door to the kitchen. She was like, can we sit on the couch and have a talk?

No fucking way.

Yeah. And I was like, yeah. She's like, um Daddy, it's just kind of like, I like your friends, but it's like I'm a girl and like, you know, it's just hard living with all these boys all the time.

Oh my God, how old is she?

She's 10.

Holy fuck. Yeah, that's insane.

She's like, you know, I'm going through girl stuff. I was like, no you're not.

Yeah, well, Daddy's about to live on the fucking street if you don't let my friends move in because I can't afford rent, you little shit.

Sometimes I do explain money to them and they have no concept of it.

Sure.

So I was like, I'm spending $7,500. I sat around like, honey, it's $7,500 a month in rent. And they were like, yeah, and what does that mean? You know? I'm like, okay, never mind. Let me explain it another way. I have no idea. I can't afford it.

Let me explain it another way. Daddy doesn't want to sleep on cement anymore. Daddy, Daddy wants to live here, so he needs to split the rent with teenagers.

Daddy wants to pretend that he's 25 as well and make videos all day. But they were all over today and it was great. It was fun. It was just like Bellingham.

We've been, we've been having a lot of problems with our plumbing at my house recently.

Oh, Natalie's—

I have a feeling it's Natalie's dogs.

And you know what? Before I thought that maybe our plumbing was old. Yeah, but I've been keeping tally of how much Natalie eats. Yeah, it has to be because, because Natalie's very skinny, so it has to be going somewhere. And guess where? It's going into our plumbing. So I know she thinks that her eating 17 candy bars a day isn't affecting us. Oh, here she comes.

Here she comes.

Here she comes to complain as she has cookie dough ice cream in her hand.

Listen here, bitch. I eat like shit because you eat like shit, and I don't have any other choice. When you go to a restaurant, I also have to order from the same restaurant. So when you order fucking Buffalo Wild Wings or Chipotle—

Preach.

McDonald's, or you buy us ice cream for our refrigerator, somebody's got to eat it. I can't let it go to waste.

Yeah, David, what's up with your choices?

I did not buy this.

And you know how I know I didn't buy this for— this ice cream, I didn't buy this for you?

Because it's an open container and you're just eating it out with a spoon like it's yours. You know it's just yours.

No, you know, it's—

Natalie eats like, like a madman. I mean, she literally— she snacks. We had breakfast, yeah, and then right away she had food after that, and then she snacks. It's, it's, it's Honestly, it's incredible because she's in such great shape. I don't know how she does it, but it is affecting our plumbing. And that's what I want to do. That's what I've been trying to talk to her about.

It's also tough when you're trying to shoot and she's crunching.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That I can agree with. But our plumbing issues are all from your bathroom.

You don't know that at all.

There is one.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

Who's the guilty party?

Mr. Chipotle.

There's one plumbing line. All the house is on one plumbing line. And there's another plumb—

plumb—

She's getting choked up because she's a fucking liar.

No, the whole house has two plumbing lines. One plumbing line is for David's bathroom and his sink and his toilet and his shower, and the other plumbing line is for all the other rooms in the house. What plumbing line continuously gets fucked up? David's one plumbing line that comes from your toilet. Whose toilet gets backed up and starts spewing out shit? Your toilet, not mine.

I think this is the moment where David just fell in love with you because the way he was looking at you was so interesting.

I was just disgusted.

You were like, you were like, a girl that can talk about my dumps. And be okay with it.

I'm in love.

No, I was trying to see— I was trying to see how legit she was by what she was saying. But it's this bathroom in here that gets clogged a lot, which is actually the toilet you use.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, you know what's really funny is when we're all out together and, um, and you're kind of leading the charge because you're the leader, and then you, you've proposed the vote as to what you want to do, and you're like, we can do X or we can do Y, and you obviously want Y.

Sure. And then everyone—

this happened the other day on the tour bus— everybody raised their hand for X. It was like, who wants to go out to dinner to the Greek place? Because that was my suggestion. Yeah. And everyone No one raised their hand.

And then the next one was like, who wants to go to iPic?

No one raises their hand. And then you're just kind of like, okay, okay, okay, well let's take another vote.

Yeah, when my vote doesn't go, then I start thinking of other things I want.

Yeah.

So then I'm like, okay, no one wants to go to iPic. Who wants to just go to my house and order food?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean.

'Cause you just didn't want to go to that Greek place.

Yeah, I didn't want to go to the Greek place.

Why not? How come you never want to go to a nice restaurant? It's crazy to me.

It's just such a waste of time.

It's so nice to sit down and you can talk about ideas. You can come up with so much sitting at a nice restaurant.

I'd rather go to iPic where you can watch a movie and you can eat at the same time.

David now enjoying some ice cream with his friends.

You know what?

Oh, look who's snacking! You just made fun of Natalie. Here you go, Natalie, take my mic.

You look like a baby.

You're a big fucking hypocrite. Look at you.

I only got this because you were eating it.

Well, I only got it because Reggie was eating it, so, you know, that excuse is not valid.

Oh, look, it goes back to me.

We're two peas in a pod. Or in your case, two huge logs in the toilet that clog the fucking drain.

So you can't say stuff like that about me.

It is really—

millions of people. That's— well, what is— what are the grossest ways to say you're going to use the bathroom? I have errands.

What?

Dropping the kids off at school.

I'm from the Midwest, so like some of my friends would say the most disgusting thing. Yeah, take a dump is so gross because take a dump is like, that's a human being saying that. I gotta take a piss. I hate that. I don't know why I hate, I gotta take a piss. I gotta go drop the logs. I gotta go drop a log.

I gotta go to Browntown.

Reggie said I gotta take a deposit. I've never heard that one.

Take a deposit.

How does that work?

Take a deposit. That sounds like you're taking poop from somebody.

Drain the lizard.

Drain the lizard. That's kind of cool. The elephant's got a spray, Natalie said. Natalie, if you've ever— Natalie, if you ever say that to me— Natalie just went, the elephant has to spray. Natalie, if you were sitting at dinner with us and you went, I gotta go because the elephant's got a spray, I would fucking vomit my food back onto the plate and leave the restaurant.

What's the most intimate thing intimate thing that you've had to do with Natalie? Like, has she ever had to put like cream up your butt or anything like that because you were sick?

The most intimate thing I've ever had to do?

Yeah, what's like the most embarrassing? Did she have to like ever hand you toilet paper? Can you think of anything?

I don't know if this works, but he didn't let me follow through with it, but he like, when I first moved here, you clogged the toilet, like really, your toilet, if we're going back to this topic, really bad. It was a week where we had Chipotle body times, and I remember he didn't have like a heavy-duty plunger, so I had to go out and buy a plunger, and I was like, okay, I'm just going in like plunge it, right? And then he was like, no, like, he was just like, no way, like would not let me into the bathroom. He was like, do not fucking go in there. And I was like, okay, I'm so sorry.

Good call.

That was me being respectful.

Yeah, good job. That was it.

That was the first day on the job. Now it's like, you will fucking put your face in there. No, I don't know what intimate moment we had. I broke her head once. We were playing. It wasn't intimate. Wait, what? Natalie, here.

This weekend we were at Rhode Island. Someone from the audience— I came onto the stage or whatever, and someone from the audience was like, what's your best, like, most— like, such an endearing question, like, what's your best, most fond memory of Natalie?

Yeah.

And he like puts the mic away and he whispers to me and he's like, should I talk about the time we played soccer? And I was like, you mean the time you cracked my head open? That's your most fond memory?

We were playing soccer and I was trying to keep like the ball away from her and I pushed her and she tripped over a bush and the upper body, like the upper part of her body, like smacked the, like the cement wall. And she like cracked the top of her head open.

Oh no.

Yeah, she was bleeding and that was really fucking scary. But it's like one of those memories that I have forever. Like when you make your friend bleed, that's like fucking serious. Yeah, it wasn't the fondest, but it was like the first memory I can think of with Natalie, like the earliest memory.

What was the hardest time as a kid in your life? For me it was going to a new school and being fat. That was the worst.

Mine was just arguing with my parents.

How old were you?

17 and below. Like, it was just like—

just an argument all the time. Your brothers and sisters, are they arguing with them?

I don't think so. Not as much as I would.

Interesting.

Like, it was like, um, just like fighting about like piano, about having to do taekwondo. It was constant. That's all we would argue about.

What was taekwondo like?

The worst.

You didn't like it?

No, because I have like delicate feet and like it would— I know it sounds so lame. And I did taekwondo for like 4 years, but they never got like tougher, and I was so like, I hated kicking.

Why do you need tough feet in Taekwondo?

Because so about 2 years into Taekwondo, I really started thinking about— I have this weird thing where sometimes I think like when I move my arms, like, okay, make a fist with your, with your hand. Okay, like, you know how your fingers kind of when you make a fist, your fingers go together and they fold.

Yep.

I would do this thing where I would think about every vein in that finger folding and I think about the muscle and I would think about the blood like folding. Oh wow. And it was like really gross and I started thinking about that with my feet and I started thinking about like the impact of like, of like what, what like part of my muscle would hit or what part of my bone it would hit or what part of my vein and would give me like an eerie feeling. Yeah. And I just, I really was like, I started to get scared of like kicking things.

All right.

Because I was like, fuck this. And then one day I went swimming. I went There's like a gross lake that's by our house. It's not really a gross lake, but no one swims in it. It's just one of those lakes.

The one I jumped in?

No, not that one. It was a big lake. And my friend's like, we should go swimming in it. So we fucking swam across it. It was super badass. And then for our age group, we were like 13, 14. And then a week later, I had like a huge infection on my foot. It was like— I don't know what it was, but I blamed it on a spider bite. But it was probably like bacteria from the lake. And I went into Taekwondo, and I showed the instructor my foot. And he was so disgusted. He's like, you need to go home. And I never came back after that. That was my last time at Taekwondo because of my foot, which is amazing. And my parents made me go to Taekwondo first to teach me respect. They watched too many Karate Kid movies where they were like, you go here, and you'll start making your bed, which I didn't really agree with. But I did it. I don't know.

Tell me one thing from Taekwondo that you remember.

That I learned?

Yeah.

The only thing I remember is I got kicked in the face.

And it sucked.

And it sucked. And there's blood all over my, my like little like white suit. And I was— and there was like a chunk of my lip missing and I had to go to the ER and I got like 6 stitches.

Oh my God.

And the guy wasn't actually supposed to kick me. He just kicked me on accident.

David, I need you to help me with something.

Fuck, bro.

I'm lactose intolerant and I shouldn't have had that ice cream. Fuck you, Natalie.

Can you explain texting to me? Text etiquette. I mean, I understand how to text.

What do you need to know?

Tell me the right way to text.

I mean, it's difficult because you gotta—

When you joke, are you supposed to write LOL?

No, no.

You're not?

No, not if you're being sarcastic. I mean, it depends who you're talking to.

Let's say I'm texting you and I'm like, you shot me with a paintball gun. The night before.

Yeah.

So you text me and you're like, hey, how's your back? Well, you'd never do that, but let's say you said, how's your back, right?

Sure.

And then I text back, not good, you asshole.

Okay.

So like, but I mean it like, hahaha, not good, you asshole. Like, I'm not mad.

Oh.

But I write that.

Oh, that's a good one.

What am I supposed to write? How do I type that out?

'Not good, you asshole.' Well, you don't say that because that's just— that's— that's— that'd be so difficult to understand. Well, sometimes when people text me, right, and you'll read my text, you'd have to say something like, 'Oh, hi asshole, not doing too well, lol.' What's the difference between that and 'asshole's tough' because there's no way of asshole coming off as like— ah, asshole's just like a not good word.

Because sometimes when I'm getting texts from other people and like we're in the car And then I'll be like, man, I can't believe this person. And you'll be like, they're joking.

Oh yeah, you're not good with— you're not good with picking up humor even in real life though, which is so weird for a guy who like deals with like comedy. Like, it's so strange how you can't pick up on people like making jokes with you. It's really interesting.

Yeah, I'm really bad at it.

Yeah, people just want to be your friends and you just get offended.

It's like the worst quality for a comedian.

How you doing, Stinky Jason?

What?

I'm fucking smelling you? Fuck, go fuck yourself. Who are you? Who the fuck are you? Why are you wearing my merch? Take that fucking shit off. My friend Reggie's here. He was circumcised when he was 10 years old. I guess it's like tradition with your family?

No, in the Philippines it's tradition.

To get it done later?

Yeah, like when you're a teenager, like when you hit teen.

So I came over to—

People have parties in the Philippines for getting their dicks circumcised.

Oh wow.

Because it's like their way of like, oh my god, you're an adult dick.

It's like your bar mitzvah.

Basically, like for Jewish people, it's— they call it like a bris, which is like they prick the penis and stuff when they're a baby. When they're a baby.

That's crazy. So I came over to his house. He was 10, his brother was like 13. I was friends with his older brother. And they're both holding their pants like away from their penis. Oh my god. Like walking like they just got hit in the nuts.

Literally torture.

It's so interesting because they were full-grown humans at this point and they're in so much pain. I don't know. I guess I don't really have much to say other than that.

I still remember that like day like when you guys were like— when you guys came over and it was you, Michael, and Alex and you guys were like trying to like tap John's dick.

Yeah.

Literally. And he was like—

We were trying to hit John's balls.

Yeah, and then literally downstairs My mom got— was like so mad at David and John because they were wrestling and John literally just got his fucking dick cut off or like circumcised.

Stop wrestling with him, he has a new set of dick.

Did it hurt? Uh, no.

I think he was just really—

We were passed out. We were like passed out but like—

Wait, wait, wait, you went under? They gave you drugs?

Oh yeah, he didn't even know that's what he was going in for. His parents told him it was to see the dentist.

No.

Yeah, and then he woke up with literally— yeah, with half of his penis.

No, it's your fucking skin.

Oh my God, Richie, that's so fucked.

No, that's awful.

Yeah, and literally I like couldn't pee. It hurts so fucking bad.

What did they tell you you were going in for?

We were going for like a checkup, like quote quote checkup, and literally I was knocked out because like I hate shots and he was like, Oh, it's just like your physical, whatever. I was like, okay. And then I got a shot and then they had to put like an— they have to put like an IV in like my arm. And then the lady was like counting like, okay, 10, 9, 8. I was like, are you being serious?

Because I was just kidding about him having a dentist and—

No, really? I thought, I thought you knew.

Oh, you finished?

But literally, you had no idea you were there for your penis to be circumcised?

Literally, we had like a physical, then like the tape app before that happened because like they checked down there. If you're like, I don't know, so like, yeah, and then basically like I was counting with her and then literally by 3 I was like closing my eyes and just like I remember like waking up and they're like, okay, here's your apple juice and here's your apples. Apple juice, they gave me fucking apple juice.

And here's your new dick.

Literally.

And then what did you think Did you think right away, like, why does my dick hurt?

Um, yeah, basically. I was like, the first time I saw it, literally I was like crying. I was like, Mom, it doesn't look normal. And then like, it was just so weird. I mean, at least now it's like—

I'm so proud of you.

Oh my god, that's a harrowing story.

He's a hero.

Well, I think that's, uh, It's a good way to end the podcast, don't you?

You think?

I think so.

Okay, well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast.

Fucking know that. David, what you got going on this week? Got anything to plug?

Nothing.

Nothing? Are you at 10 million on Instagram yet?

9.

Okay, let's get him there, guys.

Give me the 10 million on Instagram, guys. Well, that's it. Thank you guys for listening to this podcast. Make sure you guys like and subscribe.

Come see me in San Diego Saturday night. I'll be there. I'm taking a limousine. Wow. To San Diego.

I don't know how that helps with the people coming to see you.

Look for me.

You just wanted to brag.

Someone offered a free limousine.

Guys, I'm taking a limousine, so if you see a limousine pull up, it's probably me because I'm fucking rich. Um, someone gave you a free limousine?

Someone gave you a free limousine.

Oh, that's nice.

Look for Jonah out the sunroof. And that's it.

Jonah gave you the limousine? I wouldn't trust that limousine. All right, well, thank you guys for listening. It's been a Views podcast. My name is Jeff. See you guys later. Bye-bye.