Natalie Caught David Crying

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. I want to be very clear before we start the podcast, Jason and I are just co-workers. We are no longer an item. At one point, okay, there may have been some feelings.

That's fine, that's fine. Just do the podcast, just do the podcast, just do it. We'll have a business relationship and that's fine, David. Whatever you want, because apparently I thought we had something more But we don't.

You finished?

Are you finished? Are you finished ruining lives?

I've been done with this for a while, Jay.

Oh, okay, fine. Well, who's Terrence? Who's Terrence?

He's the fucking— he's the landscaper.

Oh, okay, so I guess Terrence just comes over and landscapes at 11:30 at night. Is that what you're trying to say?

No, he was making sure the sprinkler system was on for the morning.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny, I don't think there's a sprinkler system on your couch underneath a blanket watching The Notebook?

Well, I'll have you know there was definitely a sprinkler system under that blanket because Terrence can do things to my body that you can never even imagine. At least something's getting wet around here. I roll in for music. What's up, guys? Welcome back to Views, the podcast. Where once in a while Jason and I get along. May not be today, may not be tomorrow, but there is some light at the end of the tunnel.

And I want to add to that and say that David is playing a mind game right now, which technically is not being nice. He's holding it over my head to see if he's going to be nice to me on this podcast. And I guess we'll have to see. But that is the roller coaster that I live with every day.

We went to, we went to like a Halloween party a couple of days ago that's like It's like a big— it's like known as like a big Halloween party.

Sure.

Um, it's actually like, it's my favorite party of the year. Um, it's at a huge— it's one of the biggest houses in LA.

Um, and how big we talking?

Like, how big is the house? Yeah, it's probably like a $30, $40 million home. It's like, it's huge, it's huge. Um, and it has like a beautiful view. And we walk in and, and basically there's like characters all up along like the front door that are like Welcome to the house, come play with us. You know, like they're like scary, whatever, scary people. And then you get in and there's a guy there that says you have to collect all, you have to collect all the tokens. You have to collect these like coins. And the person who has the most coins by the end of the night wins a prize.

Oh, nice.

And this is like an optional game, right? It's just a party, but then there are characters all around the party that are dressed up as like demons monsters, and you can go talk to them and they'll help you find these coins. And 99% of the people aren't looking for coins. They're just there to have fun, get drunk, dance, whatever. But Jonah, Jonah was all over the fucking coins. So the second we got there, he's looking for them. And I looked for one of the coins myself, and I went up to one of the women that was dressed as like a, I don't know, some kind of a bird, like maybe a raven or something. And I was like, can I have a coin? And she goes, do you trust me? And I go, yes. And she blindfolds me and she blindfolds me and she takes me to like the middle of the dance floor and she dances with me for like 2 minutes while I'm blindfolded. Wow. Yeah. She's like making me like spin her around. She's spinning me around and stuff. And then she whispers in my ear. She's like, thank you for trusting me. And then she takes— she, she brings me to like the corner of the house and she makes me get on my knees and bend down. And I have to bow down to this like monster sitting in this big throne.

No way.

And I bow down to him. And then the monster guy pulls out a coin and gives it to me.

Wow.

And that was one of the coins.

That's so cool.

And that was like one of the tasks. And it was really cool because it was like, it was in the middle of the party. Like if you were at the party, you would never know that there was another game. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't like a cheesy party where you're like, you have to do the games. Like no one was doing them unless you really wanted to and you really wanted to look for it. Which that was my favorite part is the game was disguised in the party.

Yeah.

And then, yeah, so that was the only thing I did because I was like, I know I won't be able to get the most amount of coins. I don't know. I would rather just hang out with friends. But Jonah, Jonah was trying to get all the coins. By the end of the night, he had 9 coins. Wow. Yeah. So he did it 9 times. And he was trying to get more coins. And he went up to one of the guys dressed in the mask. And he's like, sir, I am here for another coin. He was talking like this, like he was out of a movie. And the guy, the guy that was in the mask, took him to the corner and pulled his mask off and goes, yo, buddy, you have the most amount of coins. Can you please stop playing? Seriously, you've already won. Isn't that crazy? And that's fucking crazy. So Jonah walked away with like, it was like, it was like a rock that he won. Like, you know, like one of those like, like spiritual rocks.

Sure, sure.

But that's what he won. He was bummed out. He's like, I want a fucking rock. He literally spent 3.5 hours doing it, like just walking around the house looking for these people. It's a cool rock. But, but yeah, it was really fun.

That's awesome. This weekend I was in New York City. I got a death threat when I was in New York.

Why?

Someone on Instagram gave me a death threat.

What'd they say?

We know where your hotel is. We're going to come kill you.

You're kidding.

No more. No more father for Charlie and Wyatt.

No, they didn't. Yeah. Swear to God.

Swear to God.

Are you fucking serious?

So every time I would leave the building, I would be like, like looking around.

Wait, you're kidding.

I'm not kidding.

Someone actually messaged you that? Yeah.

And I notified Instagram and everything. It was scary. It was kind of scary. Like, I knew— I looked at the profile and the kid was like a 15-year-old kid and he had like lots of friends that were like commenting on his pics like, yo, man, you're the best. Can't wait to see you on Friday night at the dance. Sure. Stuff like that. But at the same time, I was fucking so scared.

Wow. He was like 15 years old.

Yeah.

Did you tell the police?

I told security.

And you're like, hey, someone may be coming to kill me.

Yeah.

What did they say?

They were— they took it very seriously.

Oh really?

Yeah, they were like, okay, they're like, we're gonna— we'll watch you. And, and they were like, why— the guy was Russian, he was like, why, why would someone want to send you this? What would be the reason? Did you do something? And I was like, I'm a YouTuber. He's like, um, he's like, I actually want to kill you too now. So that was scary. I'm glad I made it out of there alive.

Wow. Yeah, welcome. That's a really scary thing to get.

It's awful.

And you know, no more dad for Charlie and Wyatt.

And you know the kid is just screwing around. Yeah, it's It's not funny.

Yeah, that is really scary. And then I'm— and then what do you say that I'm gonna—

I almost called you, but then I was like, what did he say?

I'm gonna beat your ass till you bleed.

Yeah.

No, David, I never actually mentioned that part. How did you know that he sent that? Oh, no reason. I actually sent the threat. When Jason's out of town, I know where your fucking hotel is, bro. You don't get back to LA, I swear to God. If you don't get back to filming. Yeah, that's pretty scary.

Yeah, that sucks.

So I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm alive. Kind of put a damper on the, uh, the place I was staying at though. So I would go out, I had like a mustache.

No, you didn't.

And a trench coat. Um, there's a supermodel that's over there.

That's my assistant.

Oh Jesus, Natalie, I didn't know that was you.

She's hard. She's hard to—

she's— she's hard. What? She's hard what?

Hardly a supermodel.

That's not what you're gonna say. I think you were gonna say it's hard to be around someone so attractive.

That's what I was gonna say. She's hard to miss.

Hard to miss. Oh, okay.

Yeah.

Natalie is in a Japanese robe with wet hair. She's now sitting down to do the podcast with us, or to yell at David. I'm not sure.

What do you have, something to say?

One or the other.

Oh yeah, I guess we can— I mean, we can talk a lot. We can talk a lot about it. We went to go— we went to go visit a porn star the other day. Her name is Emily Willis. She invited us on set. It was a girl-on-girl scene.

Very nice girl.

Very nice girl. Now, what'd you think of it? That has like a really interesting perspective on it.

Okay.

Um, what did I think about it?

Talk a little louder, says the guy who literally just whispers through literally 2 years of podcasts.

We're literally under a blanket and 8 pillows.

We're thinking of hiring someone to double your voice. We— you and I, we went out looking for soundalikes last week. We've got—

okay, go. What'd you think of going to visit Emily? Um, Natalie was like the most uncomfortable. I think she was. She's not uncomfortable, but she was just like, she always looks like that. The person who wasn't the most into it. Like Carly and Aaron really wanted to see it, but Natalie was like, I don't know if I want to go see this.

Yeah. Yeah, she wasn't really watching. Yeah.

Um, what do I say? Um, how did I feel about it? I don't know.

I just You yesterday, you're saying on the bus perfectly, you're saying give you a different perspective on that.

Okay. Um, well, it's interesting because I went out and I was trying to like talk to my friends and like explain like what I had done during the day, right? And explaining to somebody that you just watched two girls have sex is like, yes, yes, I had the same experience.

Go, go, go, go.

It's not like, it's not even easy to, like, I don't, I don't know how to explain it to make it sound okay.

As soon as it came out of my mouth, everyone was like, What? Yeah, you fucking weirdo.

Wait, what do you mean?

Like, I went out that night too with my friends after the porn star. Yeah. And I was like, I was like, oh, I went to a porn today and these two girls had sex. And they were like, what the fuck? It's just not something that you can just say to people.

Oh, interesting.

But in the moment, like, as we were like— she came into the car, was totally cool. Like, she's a very normal human, normal girl. Um, she's— which you would think that like a porn star would just be like, you know, walking around naked and just talking about sex and saying the most like, just everything sounds sexual that comes out of their mouth or whatever.

They're naked.

Yeah.

And but then like she was completely normal and she brought us into the shoot and like made us feel totally comfortable. Like it was because it is her norm, so it's not weird for her to be surrounded by people just watching her naked, right? Um, and so throughout the whole thing I was just like, oh yeah, this is like totally normal. And she was like doing her thing, getting like fucked by this other woman And I left like feeling like, okay, that's like— that's— I had more of a respect for her profession because it was like, when you watch what she's doing, it's, uh, you can like tell it's like, it's like a job. It's not the way that porn stars have sex is so much different than like actual sex.

So I don't know, they're like having sex, but they're also definitely playing it up a little bit too. Right. Making it theatrical, right?

Yeah, it's a performance. It's literally a performance.

Like when people have sex with David, you know, they, they have to play it up a little bit, like they're enjoying it, right?

Exactly like that.

No, but you were saying that it looked more like an art, like watching the two girls have sex. And then I, and then I added, you're also watching two girls have sex, right? Like if you're watching a guy and a girl, right, it's gonna be a lot less beautiful and more like, oh whoa, this is pretty fucking intense.

Uh, I see what you're saying.

Like we were watching two girls hook up and it was like, oh, this is like so pretty. Because I feel like girls like are like like beautiful, like the—

like their bodies.

Yeah, like a girl's body is like— it's— it is like art. But then when you put a guy in there, it's like, fucking Christ, look at that dick. Yeah, it's just like gross. So like, I feel like we had— we had like— we had like the cleanest, um, like we had like the cleanest example of what like porn would be.

I compared it to like professional wrestling, you know, it's the same exact thing. It's like you come in, you do these moves, this, and somebody, you know, and then there's an ending, you know. And that's basically what they did. They had a bunch of moves that they do, you know. She went down on her, she, you know, then she came, came around and sat on her face or whatever she did. It's the same thing.

Yeah.

And I didn't get turned on at all.

Oh, me neither.

I mean, it was like completely not anything.

No, no, no, it was, it was, it was just like people acting.

Yeah, like, yeah, exactly.

No, but it was, it was really cool, and they were all so, so nice.

They were super nice.

And they were, yeah. And it was a beautiful house and it was just like, it was great.

Yeah.

And we talked about in the video, we talked about, uh, Emily has a scene where, um, where she gets stuck in a washer and the worst, it's, it's called stuck porn. And it's where, it's where, where she gets stuck in the washer and someone comes behind her and has sex with her.

I was stuck, I was stuck in the washer this morning. I was just doing my laundry and luckily no one came on and Fuck me.

And then the next morning after the video went up, the trending searches on Pornhub— this is all in a row, by the way— it's Emily Willis stuck, Emily Willis washer, Emily Willis stuck washer, Emily Willis washing machine, stuck washer, stuck washing machine, Emily Willis. And that fucking crazy— those were the— all the trending searches on Pornhub were about Emily Willis and her being stuck. Yeah. And then the top comment was, if you're here from David's vlog, her being stuck in the washer starts at 4:15. Oh my God, this is really, really funny. I hung out with, uh, I hung out with David Blaine in New York.

How is that?

Dude's crazy.

In New York or on the plane?

In New York.

Okay, and, and where'd you go?

I went to his office.

He's got an office in New York?

Yeah, and it's like, it has like all these like—

does he have an elevator or does he just snap his fingers and you go up to the fourth floor?

I'm just trying to see like what I can mention because there's a lot of like secret things in his office.

Like what? What could be so secretive?

I don't know.

What can't you mention? He has a— he has a dinosaur in there. I mean, what? What? He does? All dinosaurs are extinct. What are you talking about? Don't talk about it.

Not the stegosaurus Blaine, the tea Blaine. You know what's interesting about David Blaine?

What?

I was hanging out with David Blaine, and I've— I've kind of made— like, if somebody asked me who the most interesting person I hang out with—

yeah.

I think I have to say David Blaine.

Sure.

He has— he's like, first of all, he was showing us a little of his, like—

but go ahead.

He was showing some of his video that isn't released yet, like, of his, like, new special. And it's just so interesting. I was like, it has every single celebrity you can think of, like, in their home, like, in the most intimate setting, really, like, with their kids.

Wow.

And, um, and it's just because— because there's not a single person in the world that doesn't want magic. You know what I mean?

Right.

Like, he has literally the ticket to anything because everybody wants to see magic. Sure. Everybody. You can be— you can have any—

you could speak any language and you're like, yeah, no arms, no legs, you want to see magic.

Yeah, yeah.

Um, yeah, I don't know, can't say much about it.

Can't say much about it.

I— what's it like? What's it like when he's not doing magic? What's that like? Must be some funny moments.

Yeah, he's goofy. He took me for a motorcycle ride around the city.

Did you go on the back and grab his waist?

Yeah, well, I grabbed his shoulders.

How was that?

I went for his waist right away, and he was like, and he was like, don't worry, you don't have to do that. And I was like, okay, that's funny, because there's like a backrest.

That's pretty sick.

It was cool.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

David has been doing a ton of magic lately around the house because he hung out with David Blaine once, and he's like obsessed with magic. I came over here, he taught me a trick, so I came over here. No, no, no, no, no, you No, you are so into it. I came over last night.

I'm showing everybody.

Yeah, he was, he was in the middle of like 5 or 6 different tricks last night with Heath and Mariah.

So I did this trick to Jason where, um, where I have him pick a card and then he puts it back in the deck and somewhere on the trick I go, I go, did you drive here? And he goes, yeah, I drove here. I go, you didn't leave anything in the car, did you? And he goes, no. I'm like, oh, never mind, never mind. Okay, so put the card back in the deck. So he puts the card back in the deck And, um, and then I show him his card. I'm like, is this your card? And he goes, no. And then I go, oh, say it like that. Yeah. He goes, no, that's not my card. And then I go, and then I go, okay, let me, uh, let me check the rest of the deck. And it's the card's not in the deck. And then I go, wait, Jason, Jason, did you, um, you sure you didn't leave anything in the car? And then Jason goes, oh, come on. So then I take Jason outside and it's sitting on 4 of Spades. It's the 4 of Spades is sitting in the windshield of the car.

And Like when David Blaine does it, you're like, oh cool. When David does it, you're like, oh man, did he come stick the 4 of spades on the hood of the Tesla before I got here? Like, yeah, but when David Blaine does it, I'm like, ooh, maybe he did make it magically go there, but I know you don't actually have any magic.

When David Blaine does it, there's like magic, but then when I do it, you go, okay, so he got Taylor, his assistant, he got his assistant to run out to the car and put it on. On the windshield after Jason chose it. Okay, right on. Makes sense.

David Blaine, do not teach David Dobrik any more magic tricks. We got enough magic in this house.

See my Instagram story?

Leave the magic to the greatest one, David Blaine.

It's a story. I was teaching him how to post on Instagram.

Yeah, I did see that. That was—

he doesn't know how. It's so funny.

What was he doing?

He didn't know how to post an Insta story.

What was he doing?

Blaine is one of the greatest magicians, like, ever.

Yeah.

And he's— and he's very hard to track down, I hear. Yeah. Like, he's very hard to shoot with and stuff. So I don't know how we've been able to hang out with him 3 times now. It's pretty exciting. But yeah, we were teaching him how to post on Instagram and he just— he has no fucking clue. And it's crazy because he's literally— he's lived underwater for 7 days, like, and he's held his breath for a very long time. He used to hold the record for it. He can fucking put spears through his arm. He can do crazy things, but he doesn't know how to post an Insta story. It's the funniest thing.

Didn't you go on a bike ride with him?

I did. He took me around New York City. He goes, he goes, David, you have to go on a bike ride with me. It's the craziest thing I do. And I go, what? And he goes, just get on the bike.

That's the craziest thing he does.

Yeah, because he fucking whizzes through traffic.

Oh, you know, pretty sure sticking a knife through your arm is pretty crazy.

I would agree. After the bike ride, I was like, you did stab yourself. You did stab yourself about 2 days ago.

He has the best delivery when he talks to you.

Yeah, he is.

It's literally the best when he's like, got you in a trick. Yeah, he was talking to Aaron the other day. He's like, okay, yeah, he's so good.

And he knows how to do tricks in any situation. Like, he'll adapt to any— like, let's say he's at an airport, he'll make like an airport trick happen.

Really?

I mean, yeah, he's really good at that. That's awesome, guys. I know this wasn't highly requested, but Joe's around, so we're just gonna do it. This next segment of the podcast has not happened in a while. It's called Joe's Podcast. It's where we give our editor friend 15 seconds to say and do whatever he does in return for editing the podcast.

You're not editing the podcast today, except today he's not editing the podcast.

We're just giving him free 20 seconds. Go, go!

What's up, Wheaties? Happy Halloween! The JTWP is back forever. We have rollover minutes, so I'm gonna be here for the next 15.

Nope. No rollover minutes.

I went trick-or-treating last night, contrary to the fact that I'm 45, and I picked up some candy for my good friends David and Jason. Ooh, candy, I love candy.

Here you go. Goddammit. Thank you. It's a fucking York Peppermint Patty and an Almond Joy.

I knew he was gonna bitch about the Almond Joy. I knew it!

Almond Joy.

And I've got a Hershey's and— Joe! What's that? David, look at this! Picked those out for you, bud. He put razor blades in my chocolate! There's razor blades!

Oh my god, Joe.

Another visual gag from Joe on an audio podcast!

Joe just gave Jason Milky Ways with razor blades sticking out of them.

I had no idea that was there.

Oh my God, I'm glad mine's not— I'm glad mine's not razor bladed.

Too bad David Blaine's not here, he'd chomp right through these.

All right, that's all the time we have for Joe forever.

Love you guys. All right, now on The Views podcast, it's time for a good old-fashioned roast battle. Natalie Maridueña is here, the lovely and the beautiful. She'll be judging it between Jason and David, and we're going to start The roast battle now.

Natalie, if I had a dollar for how stupid you were, I'd have so much money I could buy you another house.

Oh, over to Natalie.

Well, okay, you know what? You have ugly face.

Oh, right back in David's court. 1 to 1.

That's pretty, pretty good.

You know what, Dave?

What?

You're really, you know, Natalie, have you ever had a good burn on anyone in your entire life?

I'm just too on the spot.

Do you remember any?

Um, no, not that I can recall. I'm just really like, if I'm, if I'm, if you get me real fired up, then like the spicy attitude comes out. Otherwise, like, I can't just like force myself to be mean right now.

I did career day this morning. It was pretty fun. Marnie was all crazy about me bringing this computer, and I was like, they're not going to be able to hook your computer up, it's a public school.

Yeah.

And then we got in there, first class was Wyatt's class, music class, orchestra. And I got to tell you something, these 8th graders, they just did not want to talk to any of us. It was really awkward.

Nobody?

Nobody. Marnie and I both went— Marnie did her thing about being a TV producer, and then I did my thing about being a YouTuber.

They cared about nobody's career?

They were just dead to the world, except for Wyatt. Wyatt was like, talk about Vine, tell them about your tour, talk about, um, talk about merch.

Really?

They don't care. I don't think these people care at all.

Wait, it was like just a dead crowd?

They were dead, but then we went to the 6th grade class after, and they were really into it, so that was nice.

Wow, 8th graders didn't care about being a YouTuber? I feel like that's like the coolest thing.

I think it's the music class. I think they're just like, oh, socially kind of whatever, kids or whatever. They were just very quiet.

and then I'm, then I'm walking out and there's a big crowd of people following me and they're like, Jason, Jason, right? And I was like walking out, I was like, oh cool, because that was cool. And then I walked by the principal, the guy who busted you, yeah, and he grabs me and he goes, oh, come, come, come in here, come into my office. And I was like, okay, okay, what's going on? He's like, I want you to do an announcement over the PA system. And I was like, oh, okay, okay. And then he goes, Good afternoon— good morning, students. We have a guest announcer right now. Get ready for David Nash.

You're kidding.

Yeah. And I go, it's Jason. Jason Nash.

You're kidding me.

No. And he's like, he goes, oh, Jason Nash. And then I get on there and he's like, he goes, say something funny. Do your catchphrase, you know. And I said, I don't have a catchphrase. And so I started, I was like, hi, it was great to be here at the school today. You're all really great and very inspiring. And then I said some lame joke. I was like, all right, I gotta go to work and get shot with a paintball gun. And then, you know, I expected to hear laughter, but it was over a PA system, so there wasn't any laughter.

You just hear classrooms erupt down the hall.

Yeah. Wait, then, and then as I leave, he grabs the mic and he goes, okay, that was David Nash.

Are you fucking serious?

And I go, Jason. Jason Nash.

Wait, you've been to his office multiple times?

I've only been a couple of times.

And he thinks your name is David?

I don't know. He kept saying David. I think he kept thinking David Dobrik, David Dobrik, David Dobrik. This is the guy from David Dobrik's blogs. So then he messaged— just thought in his brain, David Nash, which, you know, if we ever got married.

And what was the— what was the— what was the announcement about? Like, who is this principal? He's just like, like just in the middle of third period, he's like, hey, come on. Yeah, really?

Well, he's a former stand-up comedian because the day that he busted us—

so funny.

Remember when he busted us?

Well, you got to clarify, what did he bust us for?

David and I went to the school to pick up Wyatt and Josh Peck was with us. And David, you know, the kids got excited to see Josh and David was sort of— you were, you know, they— there was like kind of a mob that happened.

Sure.

And they— and so he, he reprimanded me, called me— this is like a couple years ago.

Yeah, we got out of the car and we were shooting something and and with like Wyatt or something, and a bunch of kids came over and, you know, yeah, it got a little— it got a little intense.

Yeah. So then I got in trouble.

So the next day the principal like called Jason and was like, hey, you guys can't be doing that, whatever. So I thought they became friends.

I thought he was going to bust me. And instead he was kind of like told me he was like, you know, he was a stand-up comedian and he was interested in the business. So we had like a whole conversation. So he was just having some fun.

So he like just in the middle of like 4th period, he was just like, It was in between periods.

Or maybe it wasn't. No, it was the start of fourth period. It was the start of third period.

And he was just like, hey, I'm going to fucking announce something to the whole school.

I guess he threw me on the mic. I didn't know. I didn't want to be—

It sounds like a principal out of like a movie.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, come here, come here, come here. Check this out. When I hit this button, the entire school hears me. Yeah, I know. Aren't you the principal? Like, Like, that's pretty— that's pretty funny.

I wanted to stay the entire day. And then Marnie— Marnie went up there to talk about movies and TV. She works in TV, and all the kids wanted to know about was Stuntman. That was all they—

who do you think— who do you think is cooler to the kids, Marnie or you?

I don't know. They were pretty interested in TV, the second class. They, they knew her shows too, like SWAT and Timeless and So that was kind of cool. That made her feel good because I think she felt like no one was going to care what she said. She did good.

What were the other families' careers?

There was only one other woman that we saw, and she, she was a music supervisor. I met an animator. I met a guy. Oh, I met a— I met a guy with a German Shepherd attack dog, a policeman.

Did you get his number so I can have him on the vlog to bite you? That's a fun fact. There's a deleted scene from the vlog. We had a German Shepherd actually come once and chase Jason around the backyard.

And it wasn't intense enough for David to include.

Yeah, the bite was too nice. This is a true story. We had a police— a police guy bring his police dog over and it was still kind of like a baby police dog. Like, it wasn't like grown enough. And Jason ran around the backyard and it chased him and like started biting him. But the dog— Jason was in like gear. He was like protective gear, but the dog wasn't biting hard enough. So we never ended up using the footage. But we shot it for like 2 hours. It's kind of fun.

It's kind of fun.

Yeah.

And Natalie yelled at me the entire time. You are so fucking slow.

You were running around like literally so slow because you weren't even— the dog didn't even think that you were trying to get away from it because you were going so slow.

That thing, you get out of breath when a dog is chasing you.

I know, but you were going so slow it looked like you were taking the dog for a walk. I think that's why he wasn't attacking you, because he was like, oh, cool, we're just walking around.

Hey, you excited to go to Miami with me next week?

No, no.

Why not?

Yeah, I'm pretty excited.

It's pretty fun.

Like Miami. Miami's a fun place.

I think it's great down there. Super fun times.

America's Most Musical Family premieres today. The show I did.

How are you feeling about it?

Pretty good.

I feel good. I don't know. Are you— are you— are you scared?

Yeah, I'm pretty scared. I've never been like a part of something that's so big and is not controlled by me, right? Like, I have no idea how it turned out. You know, you don't get to redo shots like you do on YouTube. It's so— it's so weird. Every time I see myself on video that I didn't record, or I wasn't like— I just— I'm like cringing watching it. Like, I get so uncomfortable. I don't know what it is.

Why?

Especially because it's so weird because I'm on camera so often, but you control it. Yeah. And I think there's something about me that, like, like when I'm like hosting something, it's not 100% me yet, you know what I mean? Like, it doesn't— it's not like 100% David. It's still like like a, like a hosting version of David, right? And I think that's what makes me cringe is like I haven't figured out how to be like entirely comfortable yet in front of the camera, right? So I'm still kind of like, oh, that's not how I should be acting.

I used to audition for hosting stuff. I was terrible.

You weren't good at hosting?

No, it's hard. I think hosting is way harder.

You surprise me when you're bad at stuff.

It surprises you when I'm bad at stuff?

No, I said that the wrong way because I've been around so long.

I should probably be good at something by now.

No, it like It like, like, like you're a good actor.

Yeah.

And then sometimes we'll have you like, like, like resay a line, like a joke, like a— like we'll have you like say a joke or something.

Yeah.

And you just can't get it and you can't— and you can't get it right at all.

That's because your direction is bad in that moment.

No, that's not it at all.

Because you'll do this thing where you're like, you tell me exactly how to say it, how you exactly want it, which is the worst kind of directing, which is like Sure. Wait, and then, and then I try to do exactly what you want, and then you're like, no, no, no, that's not it, because what you really want is me to be myself but do it the way you're doing it. But then I tend to be like, well, he's fucking yelling at me right now, so I guess I'll just do it exactly as I'm hearing it.

What I hate is when we go to like, when we go to like, let's say we have a bit where we're like doing stuff with the firefighters.

Yeah.

And then every time you go, okay, I have a couple, I have a couple jokes written down, that's when it's the worst. You're, you're always good like off the cuff. I hate when you write stuff down. Because I feel like when you write stuff down, all you do is think about the stuff you've written down and you're not letting yourself just flow like you normally would. And then you're just like caught up on it. Like, you know, you know those, you know those moments when you go, when you go, when you go, Dave, Dave, Dave, turn the camera on, turn the camera on. Those are fucking— those are the best.

Fuck you. Fuck you. I've had some good moments where I say turn the camera on.

I mean, I'm only saying this because you're the funniest person, but, but it's like when you write stuff down, it's It's always a disaster.

Oh, whatever. That's not true. Like the time when we did the thing, the jokes in the car, there were funny jokes in there.

What jokes in the car?

We went and wrote, I wrote a bunch of jokes to be yelling out of the car and you didn't like any of them.

Oh yeah, that's exactly, that's like the best example.

That's the best example, right? Okay, well cool, I'll just quit the vlogs and go work at fucking Starbucks, you asshole. Yeah, well you're fucking, let's see what you're bad at. Being communicative. Um, really? I thought I was pretty honest just now about being appreciative of the older people in your group that work really fucking hard. How about that?

I am bad at that.

Yeah, you know what? I love it. David doles out the fucking love. I do. Everybody around here, oh no, Carly, how's your day? Come sit next to me. Oh, Aaron, I'm so glad you're here. Let's try on outfits. Taylor, you're the best. But when it comes to fucking Jason Taylor's laughing at that one. She's like, I actually haven't heard that one yet. Ah, ridiculous. You know what, David? You know what's gonna happen? One of these days I'm gonna move back to Boston. And you know what?

You're gonna have to go fucking way and move back to Boston.

Well, what would you do if I moved back to Boston right now?

I think that sentence would have been better if you say, one of these days I'm gonna drop dead. That would be more accurate. Then I'd be like, ah, you're right. Fuck, I should be nicer to you. No, I am appreciative of you. I really I'm telling you, you're the most important. And I actually say this all the time. You're literally the most important person in my videos. I literally say this all the time.

Oh, that's nice.

And then— You never say that.

What are you talking about?

How often do we—

You've never said it before. This is the first time you've ever said it. Don't start with me, Pepper Potts.

Finally, someone's on my side about how much we say this to you.

You never say it to me. This is the only time you've ever said it. Did you know, did you know I have dates written down in my diary when you've complimented me? And there's only 3 dates in there.

I didn't know you had a diary.

Yeah, I have a diary.

Well, maybe I'd compliment you more if you didn't have a fucking diary.

Well, this is also your detriment. I feel like we're constantly telling you things and you're like, you never say this because you just forget. But we— I multiple times a week, you are praised for your amazing talents.

Yeah.

What you are. Taylor, have you ever heard them compliment me once?

It's an unsaid.

Ah, no, no, no, no. Thank you, Taylor. Thank you. Thank you, college graduate. Thank you. It's an unsaid thing.

You have to— like, you both appreciate Jason so much, but you show that through like, no, no, Jason needs to be here, like, we can't do it without him, that kind of thing, right?

Yeah, we don't— but we don't send you Hallmark cards.

So what do you want me to say, that I love you every day, or what?

That'd be nice.

Yeah, we don't— we don't— we don't— okay, maybe we can send you an Edibles Arrangement once in a while.

That'd be funny. We just set up our rotation.

You are so alike, it's disgusting. Natalie and David, you are so alike. You both have like emotional disconnects that really need to be worked on. You really need to be working like that fight you had when we were driving home from Pittsburgh about Natalie's laptop. You were both wrong, by the way. How are we both— you are both emotionally void of like all the nutrients that are emotionally good. A good human being should have You are just like, I'm totally—

you're emotionally void.

I'm using a ton of words right now and David's so confused. I just used void and bereft and he's like, fuck, I gotta look that shit up.

He's currently—

Taylor, what does void mean?

You're emotionally void.

No, I'm not. I'm— all my emotions are here.

No, there's just— there's times where you need to be emotional and there's times when you don't need to be overly emotional.

Uh-huh.

There's no disconnect. There's just a certain—

you guys just don't show any emotion. I understand that Natalie and I actually cried last night together. Yeah. Bullshit.

Yeah. She came into my arms and I held her.

Bullshit.

I swear to God.

About what?

Go ahead.

I'm not really sure how to continue and comment on this one because it's because it's because it's between us.

Because we're emotional and we keep some secrets to ourselves.

Lying sack of shit.

Natalie, it's okay.

Go take another Instagram photo in a fucking Iron Man costume.

Stop it. I'm so sad.

See?

No, console me again. Wrap me in your arms again.

Come here, Natalie.

Yeah, you guys are weird. The two of you, you're exactly like—

why? Because we actually don't like you at all. There it is.

There it is.

No, we do.

We do. She really cry in your arms last night?

No.

No.

Crazy.

Have you ever cried in his arms? No. Have you ever cried in front of him?

I think she would cry because she is in my arms and she'd be like, please let me go. That's the only time she'd be crying.

I don't know if I've ever cried. Have you ever cried in front of him?

Have I ever seen you cry? Yeah, I've seen you fucking cry. You cried literally the other day.

Like, I've made you cry.

When did I? That's true. Wait, when have you seen me cry?

I broke the door down.

I didn't cry, though. I didn't. You didn't make me cry.

The story sounds bad.

Okay.

Okay.

Because it was. It was fucking terrifying because you're a monster.

No. So did I already talk about this? No, we had a Nerf. She shot— she was shooting me with a Nerf gun, right?

And I was like, Natalie, jokingly, like, in his butt, like, it doesn't hurt at all.

I was sick and I was— I don't know what I was doing editing. I was just not in the mood. Listen, she was shooting me in my butt and I was like, Natalie, I said, Natalie, please stop or I will have to shoot you. That's what I said. I said, Natalie, don't do it or I'll shoot you. And then guess what? She fucking shoots me in the ass again. So I'm like, okay, fuck this. So I walk right past her, out of my room, into the garage. She knows that I'm going to the garage to grab another Nerf gun, fully loaded, automatic, ready to fucking fire at her fucking ass. So she runs into my bathroom, locks herself in.

Yeah.

And I'm like—

and I'm pounding on the door like, Natalie, let me in! I need to shoot you! I've already said I'm gonna shoot you! Like, I have to— I have to, like, I have to follow through with this. I have to shoot you. I can't go on the rest of my life.

Why would I ever open the door?

Why couldn't you let it go?

No, I even was like, I I was even like, Natalie, just come out. I'll shoot you in the leg. I just want to do it just so I know I have done and I can move on with the next step of my day.

You're crazy.

You're psychotic.

And then I was like, Natalie, stand back. I'm gonna fucking break the door down. So I kicked the door in and I broke the lock.

You didn't just break the lock. You broke the entire door and the entire door frame.

Okay, I broke the entire door.

It was out of a mood.

And this isn't why she was why she— I thought she was crying. It's because then she ran out, and as she ran out, she fucking trips and eats shit and falls right on the fucking floor. And then she's on the floor, and I'm like, sorry about this, and I shoot her when she's on the floor. And then she fucking— she gets up and she just goes to her room and slams the door, and she's in her room for like 10 minutes. I'm like, Natalie, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I wasn't like— it hurt, so like I was like in shock when I fell because I didn't think I was gonna fall.

She was like embarrassed.

Yeah, I was embarrassed.

That's why she went to her room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Joe was there, like Joe saw her fall and it was like, it was pretty embarrassing.

And I'm sitting in my room and David genuinely thinks that like he really hurt me. And it was so funny because like he never shows emotion, right? And so he was on the outside of my door and I locked my door and he's like, Nat, come on, you know I didn't mean it, like just come out, okay?

And I'm like, you're making me seem weak. I was like, now get the fuck out of there.

No, no, no. And then I heard him like pacing back and forth in the hallway. He's like, Reggie, get in there. Tell her that it's okay, that I didn't mean to hurt her.

So you let him squirm there?

Oh, I let him squirm for like 15 minutes.

I just heard fucking crying because she just wanted to admit it.

No, I never cried. I just was in shock.

And then she came out and she went to go grab 4 Oreos. She went to the kitchen, she grabbed 4 Oreos, and as she's chewing on them, she's like, oh, I wasn't sad. That wasn't sad. Okay, whatever.

I was gonna say, have you actually ever seen me cry? Like legitimately? Because I didn't actually cry then.

Have I seen you cry?

Have you ever cried in front of any— or have you seen her cry?

I've seen David cry.

When?

What the fuck?

Oh, I saw him, but like I've seen him cry too, actually.

You've seen me cry?

Yeah, you cried. You cried when the last week when I read that thing about Charlie. You totally—

yeah, that's different.

That was just like a tear up.

No, like legitimately, like, yeah. Sobbing.

What was he crying about?

You haven't seen me sob.

Yes, I have. Week 2 on the job.

No way, you've never seen me sob. I know for a fact you haven't seen me sob.

Yes, I did. I, I walked into your room and you were— you were crying. Yeah, it was right after he broke up with Liza, and I was out with my friends and I got a call from Ilya, and Ilya was like—

I wasn't crying.

He's like, David, his eyes are watering right now, you guys. His eyes are watering.

No, I swear to God, I wasn't crying.

Yes, you were.

Okay, maybe I was crying.

Look at you two. You won't admit you're so alike.

I wasn't crying.

I wasn't crying. You're so afraid to like put your defenses down, the both of you.

I was crying. Who gives a fuck?

I got a call.

A little bit sad.

Wait, let me finish. This is actually a really funny story. This is like exploiting your weaknesses.

Um, I got—

I was out with my friends like on the second— my second day on the job is— can I say that? Is when like David and Liza broke up. Just coincidentally, right?

Isn't that crazy? The second she got here, it was when we broke up. I got fucking movie.

That's because she was supposed to be here 6 months before that. No, Natalie.

And she's the first person— she's the only person I told.

Yeah, yeah.

Like, until like 4 or 5 months after.

And well, except for Ilya. So yeah, um, but I was out and about doing stuff, and at night, and I got a call from Ilya, and he was just like, hey, are you— can— do you mind going home? Like, Dave's not— like, he's really sad, he's really upset. And I was like, oh yeah, okay. And I've never like, I've never experienced like David have any sort of emotion, right?

Sure.

And so then I came home, I knocked on the door and he's just like sitting in bed. Everything's just pitch black dark, tissues like everywhere. You don't remember this at all?

Genuinely, I'm not just saying this because like, because like I'm trying to be tough.

Wow.

I know I'm being serious. I'm being dead ass. Oh, I don't. Because I put on Because I just blacked out that entire— because I know every time I was around Natalie, I was making sure I wasn't crying.

You're saying she's definitely— she's making this up? Is that what you're saying?

I definitely cried. Sure, with a breakup. Unless she put her ear up to the door and she was just listening to me cry. I've never— I was never like crying in front of her.

You're saying Natalie's making this up then?

I'm thinking that maybe I was crying and then she came in and I wasn't crying, but I was never like, Natalie— like, I was never doing that. Like, that was never a situation.

You were what? Yeah.

I mean, I don't know if you were like full out, like tears flowing, but you were like, oh, like a baby. Like, I don't know.

Like, what do I do? I don't think that happened.

I mean, not those exact words, but yeah, it's okay, Dave.

That's okay.

No, I'm telling you, that never happened.

It's okay. It's okay.

No, I'm being fucking completely okay.

If you were sobbing like a bitch. Fuck you.

Fuck you.

No, we all cry. This has been fun, guys. This has been a fun podcast.

I really like that. That's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you guys for listening.

Come see me in Boston next week, November 6th.

Oh my God. How many tours are you in, bro?

I'll be in New Jersey. I'm in Virginia next weekend. Come see me.

If people are listening to this podcast in 3 years, none of these outros are going to make sense because you just— it's you just plugging random places.

Oh, shoot. Maybe your plug of America's Musical Family, because that'll make fucking sense because it'll be canceled.

That'll live forever.

Oh, really?

It'll be online forever.

So will my comedy shows.

Yeah, right.

You— yeah, right. I like how I, I offered you a roast challenge and you did it with Natalie because you knew I would fucking beat you.

Yeah, that's it. Yeah, maybe I didn't want to waste my time with you.

Oh, really? Yeah. Why don't you go cry in a black room again?

Oh, fuck you. All right, guys, that's all the time we have for today. Thank you guys for listening to The Views Podcast. My name is Jeff.

Sorry, nice hiccup there, Nat. Sorry, that's your brand. I love it.

Genius. We'll see you guys soon. Bye.