Having Kids With Natalie

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. So guys, we have some developments here. So my new friend Steve Will Do It just called me. This guy's a maniac. And he says things and I don't know if he's being serious or not, but I assume, you know, I know he's being serious.

I can't tell if it's like, If it's like a bit or—

Well, let me just say first what he said. So the bit that's real, people are on the same page as us. Steve found out, he calls me randomly, he goes, he goes, Dobrik, the house above you is for sale. I'm buying it. And I'm like, what? And he's like, yeah, I want to buy it. I'm going to be your neighbor. And I'm like, what are you talking about? It's a couple million dollars house. And he group chats his mom. First of all, he put on his story this. I'm showing this because it's a public. He put on his story, he said, buying a house next to David Dobrik. We are kind of best friends. And then under it, he puts the song song by Randy Newman from Toy Story. That's "Strange Things Are Happening to Me." So he's really excited about it. And then he puts me in a group chat with his mom and he says, "OMG, Mom, buy this, please, Mom," because his mom controls his finances. And then I texted back, I'm like, "Steve, you have to think about this. It's a big decision, brother. This is a quiet neighborhood. You may not love it." He goes, "No, it's not. Not a big decision." Made 3 mil yesterday. Easiest money I could spend. Coffee and cigarettes every morning, David. That's crazy.

He loves you.

I like how he did. He said you told him to go see the house and what did he say?

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. He said, I was like, you should go see the house. He's like, I've never gone to see a house. That's whack. He's like, I'm not gonna go see a house before I buy it. I'm like, what the fuck? I don't know. I can't, I don't know.

That's so cool.

That's awesome. I don't know how realistic it is.

Well, you know what's interesting is like he lives such an extravagant lifestyle and the piece, I don't see that because he doesn't really— he doesn't have a YouTube channel. Right. So I don't see what he's doing. But when he's talking to you or when we were with him, he is saying the most insane stories, experiences, so many different things.

No, he says really crazy things. If you follow him on Instagram, you'll see an insert like yesterday's Instagram story because he won $3 million at the casino. So yesterday's story was like, just won 3 mil, gave away a million. And then gave my friend $250,000 and then bought two Rolls-Royces. And they're all— it all does seem like he's just word vomiting, but all of those things did happen. Yeah, but the way he does it is so incredibly nonchalant. And like, where I come from, like from my field of social media, like if I give someone $10,000, I'm like, show me what I'm looking for. It's a whole fucking moment. Yeah, sure.

But he's just like, he's doing things off camera.

He'll take it. Remember in Vegas and he started throwing $5,000 chips at me?

Yes.

Just to try to hit me.

Yes.

And I was like, I didn't know what to do. And then it fell on the floor and then I felt like Cinderella picking them up and putting them back on his table because I was like, they're literally rolling under couches here in the private room.

No, no, no, no, no.

What do we do?

We thought we lost one.

We thought we lost one. And Steve's like, you didn't lose one. I was like, I'm sure there's $5,000 under this table somewhere. So, yeah, so he does function a little bit differently.

But yeah, I mean, that'd be just incredible.

It'd be really funny if he was my neighbor.

I cannot imagine Steve and all of his friends living next door.

Yeah, I think— here's the thing. I think Steve listens. Steve has listened to these pods before, so I'm sure he's listening to this right now. There's got to be some rules.

He just wants cigarettes and coffee in the morning. That's the only thing he wants.

I just don't— it can't be like I hear Uncle Tim hollering at 6 AM.

I'll come over and I'll hang out with Steve.

Uncle Tim can't be— yeah, he has like—

Uncle Tim has a whole life. He's not like living with Steve.

No, they all live together.

No, Uncle Tim lives with his—

Oh, really?

Yeah.

I love Uncle Tim. I'm just saying it can't be like this neighborhood will literally turn on me. Everyone here, like, I spent a long time like building up your reputation, building up my reputation in this neighborhood that I'm not some crazy YouTuber. And, um, yeah, we just have to, we just have to respect the code of the neighborhood.

He doesn't do big stunts.

No. Yeah. He's not, he's not actually crazy.

He's not like lighting the house on fire. All he's doing is gambling.

By rules, I also mean like, uh, I can't do cigarettes every morning.

Oh, I see. Now we're getting to it.

Yeah. It's like, it's just a little bit of health. It's like for my health.

Sure.

Yeah.

He's like a Corona in the morning type of guy.

Yeah.

And I just can't do that. I do love a good cigarette.

How come you don't drink coffee? Never had a taste for it?

I'm just like so into Celsius.

Oh, right, right.

And it would just like cut into— I have the same exact Celsius every morning and it would just cut into my Celsius thing. I don't know.

You could pour it in a cup with Steve.

There's something weird about—

Coffee cup.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. David used to do that actually. Yo, someone DM'd me earlier today. They said, I got caught by my girlfriend with open porn tabs. She threw a whole fit, but then I told her that my idol, you, said it's normal for the boys to still watch porn regardless of whether or not they're in a relationship. She responded, oh well, if David said it's okay, then I'm fine with it. Haha, once again, another reason why you're the GOAT.

And then meanwhile you're like, did I say that?

I don't know if I said that. Did I say that?

I mean, if that's the one thing somebody took from you, I mean, I feel like I may have said that.

Probably said both.

Like, is it okay to watch porn while you're— Yeah, for sure. I mean, I still stand by that. Hector, you're welcome, brother.

Yeah. That's why I don't understand the porn argument unless you're there like watching porn twice a day and like you have no sex life. But like some people just—

Whoa.

Why are you making it twice a day sound like it's some fucking crime, brother? Please. Oh, like when you're in a relationship, when you're in a relationship.

Yeah. Like if you're watching porn, you're not having sex with your partner. I think that's a problem. But if you're doing both and you're balanced, Like, who cares?

Okay, Natalie. Wow, I didn't know you're such a spokesperson of porn. Did you see this? Non-porn, really? Because I can talk about this all day with Natalie jerking off and everything. So let's change the subject quickly. Did you see this guy, Radio Man? Have you— do you know who this is? Yeah. You don't know Radio Man?

No.

Do you know who he is?

Radio Man?

No.

I know Radio, the Cuba Gooding movie.

No. So there's this guy in New York. His name's Radio Man.

Okay.

And he like, he's always around celebrities. He has the appearance of a homeless man.

Right.

But I'm not sure if he is. And he wears a radio around his neck and celebrities love him. So you always see like George Clooney chatting with him, Keanu Reeves, every celebrity under the sun knows who he is. Yeah. And he's become such a staple of New York City that he is in. Like, every movie that's shot in New York considers it to be a good luck charm to have Radioman in, in shots of New York. Oh, so you'll have like recently Anne Hathaway shooting Devil Wears Prada, the new one, and it's a shot. You see Radioman in the background with his bike and the radio around his neck. Wow. So like, it's really interesting and like, I've definitely seen him places and now I'm like just putting it together. Everybody knows who he is. His name's Craig Costaldo, and he's just like the good luck charm for film in New York.

Wow.

Like they just put, like everybody knows him. They put him in as like a background actor in like all of your fucking favorite movies from like Spider-Man 3 to Bourne Supremacy, Godzilla, Shutter Island. Wow. Yeah. He's just all, he's in the background of all these films. Kind of crazy.

That's kind of cool.

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Hey, what's up? It's David Dobrik. I'm here and Natalie's a bitch. But I'll tell you something.

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It's so funny. The other day, Natalie, we were in the car and, and, uh, Natalie was like, oh, maybe we could have John do it. And you go, You go, Natalie, he's not a real person. He's not real. We can't count on him.

Well, we've been giving John tasks, right? Right. Because we, you know, we hired him.

Yes.

If you watch the videos. But like, I think we've been putting too much on him.

Oh yeah.

He like, he has too much responsibility.

He can't. And I'm telling now, I'm like, Natalie, you have to stop pretending. Or you have to pretend like he's not an employee. He was just hired for the laughs and the yucks. And like Natalie and Bella are getting really upset when he doesn't get something done. I'm like, John isn't really hired. We just got him out of his job so we can vibe.

To hang out.

To hang out. Okay. So like that's all it is. Stop putting stuff on him and being stressed out. That's my bad. It's not his responsibility. His responsibility is no responsibilities.

What do you think of that?

I mean, I think if you're on the payroll, you gotta put some work in, but. I understand.

Do you consider Jon's pickleball time work?

I realize that when he's out there playing pickleball, I'm like, bro, I know you're supposed to be doing something, not pickleball.

He's not the best at like, he needs things to be spelled out.

Even when you spell it out, it's—

What happened the other day with the boxes? We were doing the mystery box thing bit and he had to wrap the box. What did you say?

He had to get a box. David was like, okay, because he had messed something up on the prior bit. So he was like, when you talk to Jon, You have to clearly bullet point, lock in with him, make sure he's looking you in the eyes and make sure I'm saying exactly. So I locked in with Jon and I told him exactly what he needed to do. He needed to get a box, wrap the box, and then get a silver platter to put the box on. And I said, Jon, do you understand? He said, yeah, yeah, of course I got it. I was like, okay, say it back to me so I know you know. And he said it back to me. And I was like, okay, you can get this done by tomorrow. And he was like, yeah, of course, it's easy. Tomorrow, the next day comes around.

Mind you, this is his only job for the day.

Yeah. His only job is to wrap some boxes.

Oh, wow. And get the silver platter. It's not like there's other things.

And the next day rolls around. There's nothing. Nothing was ever done. And I had this conversation with him at noon on a Thursday. Nothing was ever done. And then Saturday comes around, we're going to film it. Still nothing done. He did get the boxes. But he got these legal filing boxes. It's like not a gift box.

Yes. Yes.

I don't know.

Yeah.

I know exactly what you mean.

They were just tossed in the corner.

None of the boxes are wrapped. They have to be looking like—

Like a present.

Like a present.

Yes.

None of them are wrapped. They're just all sitting in the corner. I just called off the bit. I was like, forget it.

Yeah.

It's like, who cares?

You're like, we're not doing this anymore.

No, that can't happen.

I know. But now I'm just supposed to not ask Jon anything.

So yeah, I told Natalie, I was like, just give him a break, man.

Like, you know, look at you playing cool boss.

Yeah, he's such a chill boss.

I am cool boss.

You shouldn't be cool boss.

I know everybody's role.

It's not gonna help.

Natalie has to work hard, really hard, harder than anybody, and everyone else has to chill.

Everyone has such a fucking hangout.

You give Natalie all the work and then everyone else just kind of plays pickleball with me. That's our motto here.

I love these roles we have here.

Is there anybody out there you want to collab with, Dave? Have you seen anybody like on TikTok? Do you like— even if they live in like Bulgaria?

Oh my God.

Yeah, there's actually a guy in Turkey I want to go collab with. I've been talking to him.

What's he do?

So he can grab things really fast. I don't know if you've seen him.

You showed him to me.

Yeah.

Yes.

So he'll have like 14 lighters on the table and he'll start a stopwatch, grab the lighters.

Yeah.

And then stop the stopwatch all under like 2 seconds.

Oh, wow.

And it'll look like It's actually fake. Okay. I'm fully convinced that it's fake, but I messaged with him and he's saying, come to Turkey, you'll see. Like, he does this for real. He doesn't really leave his city in Turkey. Okay. But that is my— and the next thing I go out for. Yeah, it's probably that you'd travel for that.

You'd go to Turkey for that bit.

That's exactly the time. There's, there's, there's two bits that I want to do that have that, that are the main reasons I'm doing the vlog.

That and Can Head.

No, well, that's not one of them. One of them I don't want to say because it's a surprise. Okay. And it's just some— it's just like a purchase that I've been wanting that'll come in February. So something I ordered.

Right.

And the other one is there's this family in Russia that lives with bears.

Yes.

And I have been— this has been on my list of things to vlog forever. It's two bears. The bears come inside into the family's house and they'll sit on the couch. They'll sit in the kitchen while the family eats. I've been wanting to go fucking film with these guys forever. I don't know why every time I ask Natalie or anybody that's working with us for more details about this family, it just goes completely unnoticed. Can you explain why?

They're really hard to get a hold of and then communicate with because they don't speak any English.

What do you mean? Just say when we're coming. Yeah.

And then he ghosted me.

He did?

Yeah.

But you were talking to the actual family?

She was talking to the bear.

I think I was talking to somebody that knew the family.

Okay, so we still don't have contact.

Even like on the family's page, I think there's a WhatsApp number that I tried to reach out to and I never got a response.

Yeah. So that's the dream bit.

Yeah.

And then this Turkey one would definitely be up there, but we'd have to like pair it with another bit. I think it'd be funny if like, because Turkey's known for hair transplants.

Yeah.

I think it'd be funny if like—

I'll pair it with the transplant.

Yeah. Like pair it with like, it's like me and Ilya going like, we're going to Turkey just for this bit. Nothing else.

And then you come back.

Yeah.

When all of our heads—

Yeah, I think it's really funny.

You should get a hair transplant.

Um, I think there'll be a time for that.

I'm like, not right now, but like, I feel like— well, maybe right now. I feel like you could change up your hairstyle that way. Like, I would love to see David Dobrik in a different haircut, you know?

That is true. You know what I thought would be a really good brand deal for me? What would be, um— this is where we're talking to someone, we could say this, right? Because, you know, God knows if anything will ever come through here in Los Angeles. There's a lot of empty brand deals that start and they never actually unfold. But a hair transplant, like, brand deal would be really sick.

A hair loss product.

Hair loss product with me. Yeah, because I don't get more messages about anything else than my hair because I'm always showing my hair product that's just like this, like, minoxidil, minoxidil, a combination of things. And people are always curious as to what I use. So I think that would crush. And where we're from in Chicago, Brian Urlacher used to be a big quarterback.

Yeah.

Bears player.

Yeah.

He was a linebacker. Yeah. Okay. Sorry. Linebacker. Yeah. I don't even know him from that. All I know is he is plastered all over the suburbs and the city.

Like still to this day.

To this day. He hasn't played in like 20 years. For his hair loss.

Oh wow.

And it's like, that's how I know him. I don't know if the billboards aren't being bought again or what's happening.

They update like.

Oh, they are?

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. So to this day, this guy is still like the face of hair loss. And I think I could be that guy. I could be like the new age guy for that. For some reason, I don't know why. Like, nobody is losing hair at a rapid pace like me other than maybe Ilya. And if we could turn this fucking ship around, it would be a true, you know, true story of a hero.

True. This is very true.

Okay. I have some questions for you, Dave.

Okay.

I wrote a bunch of questions. Natalie and I thought this would be a fun idea for you.

Really? Yeah.

A bunch of would you rather choice questions.

I love would you rather.

Here we go. Would you rather, would you rather eat my toenail or watch Natalie have sex?

Oh, what? I'd love to watch Natalie have sex.

Okay.

I would eat your toenail to watch Natalie have sex.

Oh my God.

Not because I'm like, not because like I would think it's hot. I'm just like so curious. Oh, it's like seeing like Jonah's penis. It's like, or driving by a car accident, you're like peeking your head out the window. Like you got to see what's going on. That one's an easy one.

Would you rather cut off the tip of your left pinky or do a video podcast?

Oh my god, this is evenly balanced.

Yeah, this was the one where we were like, oh, we should ask him this and play a whole game.

Left pinky, like a little tip, not just a tip.

Like shave the skin off?

Like underneath the nail, not the whole—

Oh, fuck.

So you have to chop like—

How long is a video podcast for?

A couple years.

Fuck that. Well, no, I'm going to play these questions in reality, please. I'm not going to try to be humorous about them.

Great.

I will do the video podcast.

Okay, great.

But it is over.

I would just say you just—

it's not easy to make that decision.

I would say cut your pinky.

I'm actually surprised. I for sure thought the pinky nail was gone.

Your pinky will grow back.

Oh, pinky nail.

So like the tip of your pinky. So like, look at you. Look at the tip of the nail and then beyond the nail.

No, no, no, no. Let's be honest. Like, let's be realistic.

Like, yeah, you wouldn't be able to do—

a video podcast would make all of us so much more money.

Yes.

Or I'd lose the top half of my pinky. Like, if I'm being completely, completely honest.

You're being a sensible person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I do understand why that question is incredible.

It's well done.

Yeah, weighted perfectly on both sides. But I mean, any rational person would have to choose.

Would you never have to sleep or never have to eat if you could? Would you rather?

I think about never having to sleep all the time. Could you imagine if you never had to sleep? What is it? What is it like? What's the statistic? 30% of your life?

That's a tough one for me.

30% of your life you're asleep?

I would love to not have to eat.

Are you on fucking meth? Yeah, eating is like the best part.

I know, I'm over everything and I overeat.

That's the stupidest question.

I have food problems.

That's such a bad question. That's such a bad question.

You answer it.

Not having to sleep, for sure.

No, that one's AI.

Jay, that's so— that's such a bad question because like eating isn't only like eating, it's like hanging out. There's actually no benefits to sleep if you don't have to do it, but like eating, you're like, oh yeah, you're right, you're like communing with people, you're like hanging out, you're like meeting people, you're going on dates, you're hanging out with friends. Yeah, like that's so important.

Would you rather have dinner with Robert Downey Jr. or get $1 million in cash tax-free? Oh wow, one dinner, 3 hours, maybe 2.5 hours, it's just you and him.

Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Can I rephrase this question where it'll be more balanced? 'Cause that, I think I would choose the money.

Of course.

But if you were like, if it's video, am I recording with him?

Let's throw that in. It's a, yeah, it's, you get some funny clips for the vlog.

With Robert Downey?

Yeah, who's really funny.

Is he— does he do— does he—

he does whatever you want.

Oh, whatever I want. He'll like put the Iron Man outfit on.

Whatever.

But if, if he puts the Iron Man outfit on and like is in character, yeah, then you'll take it, no questions asked. No questions asked. If he's a character, he says I love you 3000 to me, just we go through the lines and I have him for 3 hours and I could literally feed him anything and he'll like do it. Yeah, 1,000%. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, that's, that's a Better question.

I mean, yeah, that's like— but that's— that I would take that over $10 million tax-free.

Would you take $10 million to not see John and Alex for one year?

These are pretty good.

That's a good question. So John and Alex were best friends since you were 6. Well, they would want me to take that.

Yes.

But I wouldn't— I wouldn't like keep all of— like, can I give it to them or no?

Sure.

Oh yeah, for sure. Okay. For sure. I think they'd be really stoked.

Would you rather let Natalie cut your hair or have you give a sponge— have her give you a sponge bath?

Whoa. Now this is weird because I am like, I'm insecure about Natalie seeing me naked.

Yes.

But I'm also really weird about people cutting my hair.

Yes.

I feel like at one point in my life Natalie will give me a sponge bath, but I don't think she'll ever give me No.

You think I'm going to bathe you before I cut your hair?

Yeah, for some reason I think there's gonna be a moment where I'm just gonna be like pretty old and I'm gonna need it.

You're gonna have to use that money, honey, and get somebody else.

I think it's gonna be up to you. You wouldn't give me a sponge bath?

What are you talking about?

Like, if you— like, this is why I see it. If you got like—

if you got into like a tragic accident, there was truly nobody else to take care of you, yes, I would be there for you. But that's, that's not gonna happen. Like, you're gonna— there'll be somebody to bathe you.

Yeah, but what if I'd want, like, your touch? I was like, I only trust you. What does sponge bath mean too?

Nude in the bath, and it's bathing all your other parts.

How many of your toenails do I have to eat for that?

If you were bedridden and needed a bedpan, which one of your friends would you ask to change you?

Bedpan is when you change—

like, you can't get up to the bathroom, can't go up to go to the bathroom, so you have to have someone come in and change the poop.

You're peeing and pooping, like, laying down.

Yeah, you're in a full body cast.

John, because he's seen the inside of my asshole.

That's very— I'd want John too.

Yeah, John's like the most, like, medically—

yeah, he feels like he, he kind of gives like nurse vibes. I don't know why.

Yes, like, like if you, like, even if you had like a rash, like, he's Filipino. Yeah, like caretaker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, it's like— and you feel like he has, like, he signed the— what is it? What's the act?

HIPAA.

Yeah, you feel like he's under HIPAA even though, even though he's not.

But he's the closest thing to a doctor around here.

Yeah, there's like this confidentiality that I feel like comes with him.

Yes, John carries a code with him.

Yeah, yeah, until it like slips out and he like says something on accident, like, oh, Natalie has a rash in her asshole. Like, I feel like he'd use that against you.

Yeah, by accident. Um, would you Rather never play pickleball again.

Oh my God, there was one time with John, we were live streaming on Twitch, and I hooked up with this girl that I didn't want to talk about. I never talk about my hookups. And this was like, I don't know, this was like 4 years ago, whenever I was live streaming, I don't know. And I remember I called John something on the stream. I was like, you fucking idiot, whatever. And like, John doesn't know how to like argue on like line. Do you know what I mean? It's like, it's a different type of argument than you would in person. Like you don't say everything in person. You go fucking crazy, whatever. You could say whatever you want, but online you gotta watch what you say. But I remember him, I was like, John, that's the dumbest thing I've ever done. Really dumb. And then he was like, Dave, yeah, should we talk about who you hooked up with last night? And it was just really funny. And Alex and Ilya were like, what the fuck? It was just really funny because he doesn't have like a filter for that kind of stuff. So like, yeah, so very well, if like, yeah, if I ever like was like, John, there's a rash inside my ass, he would definitely bring that up like on a date. Like if he was like, he was like double dating with me and his girlfriend and a girl I liked, he definitely like, if I said something to offend him, he would go to the darkest, deepest corner. Yeah. And that's what he would use against me.

Would you rather go on Jason's podcast or sit in solitary confinement for one week?

Jason's podcast.

Yeah, definitely Jason's podcast.

Solitary confinement. That doesn't look good.

I feel like that like affects you for life.

Well, so does being on the podcast. All those clips, everything you're gonna get from that. Oh yeah.

Would you rather—

Yo, did you know my Foodie Boys podcast came out?

Oh, I wanted to talk about that. I've been watching the clips.

Yeah.

It's so funny. David, that fucking Foodie Boys clips, it— have you— do you ever see something and your entire mind, like, shifts.

Wait, why? Why? What is it about it? I don't know how many they've posted.

It's like you're— I was like, oh my God, he's fucking 13. Like, that's who he is. Like, I've never seen you more at home than with the Foodie Boys. Yeah, this is your thing.

Yeah, I like it because there's just like such an innocence to them. They're just like, they just want to talk about fun stuff.

They were tasting the wafers and you gave it to them and then you go, you go, okay, the masters are at work here, waiting to see what they would say.

The worst part about this fucking podcast though is they forgot to turn my mic on for the first hour. Oh no. Yeah. So if you watch these clips, my audio is coming from all their other mics, like in the room. Oh, that's okay. But no, this was a big deal for me and the mic wasn't on for an hour. We record for an hour 45, like, fuck, dude.

I didn't notice that in the clips I saw.

Really?

I don't think you notice that kind of stuff though, Jay.

Yeah, I mean that.

Oh, well, maybe if I was like listening to it, I would.

Maybe. Yeah, no, it's definitely—

I felt like I heard you fine.

There's— I think there's just so many mics in the room and it was quiet or it was fine.

I tried to find the full version, but is it on YouTube?

I don't actually know where they post it.

Where do they put it? Just, just, just, just on the middle school website?

I don't know.

Yeah, it's so That's really funny. But yeah, no, it's an honor. So thank you for— thank you for having me on, Foodie Boys. Go listen to the pod, @mdfoodieboys on TikTok. Um, okay, continue, Jay.

Okay, would you rather work out for 3 hours every day for the rest of your life or never have fast food again?

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

I would probably give up fast food because I do— I like good food too, like, like You know, catch.

You'd give up fast food so you wouldn't have to work out 3 hours a day?

You have to choose one.

I mean, 3 hours a day is a lot.

3 hours a day is ridiculous.

3 hours a day for the rest of your life.

What kind of working out is this? Is this cardio?

You have to spend the whole time with Ilya.

Oh my God, no, fuck that.

I'm giving up fast food for sure. Yeah, Natalie would give up everything. Natalie would give up water to not hang out with Ilya. I'd probably go with the working out, to be honest.

Would you rather hit a World Series home run or sink an NBA championship 3-pointer?

This is—

Oh, Dave's like, I don't care for either.

No, no, no, no, no. I've always— not an NBA 3-pointer.

Okay.

There's something to me about a college 3-pointer that's so much cooler. All the comments after a college 3-pointer are always like, you know, he's getting laid. And I just like, I can't imagine like coming off the court and being a college kid and just That's like a different kind of—

there's something sick about college basketball. I agree.

Yeah, there's something about it that feels cooler to me than an NBA 3, even though like NBA 3 is like the whole fucking state is rooting for you. Yeah, there's something more passionate about like a college where like you're fucking— you're going to experience your 5 seconds of fame or 15 seconds like no one ever— no one ever has. Yeah, you will be the king of the school for that night. And I think that is like a really cool experience, and I just love I loved high school.

So, like, do you remember the story from that movie Air, the Michael Jordan movie?

What was it?

It was like they were deciding who to give the big Nike contract to, and he was trying to convince him to give it to Michael Jordan. And the guy's like, no, I'm not going to give it to this guy Michael Jordan. Who the fuck is Michael Jordan? So why should I give it to Michael Jordan? And he goes, when Michael Jordan was a sophomore, they were in the national championship. And Dean Smith, who's like one of the greatest coaches of all time, He's like, he could have given the ball to the seniors. He's like, he gave the ball to Michael as a sophomore and he fucking sunk the shot. He's like, and that's why you need to give him the Nike contract. And it turned out to be right, you know.

That's crazy.

Isn't that crazy?

Wait, wait, why did he feel that way about him?

Because he just knew. He's like, this is the guy. There's no sophomore that's gonna hit the winning shot under pressure like that. There's something about this guy.

Damn, I love stories like that.

Yeah, it's fucking sick.

That makes me—

and he was right.

Do you think anybody's ever looked at you like that, Natalie, and been like, yo, you have to— like, maybe like at a restaurant they're like, dude, we ordered too much. Do you think then—

that's our girl, tap her in.

Someone then turns and goes, see that girl right there? She's really good under pressure.

Natalie walked in with Mendocino Farms today, and David was complimenting you. He was like, that's a trendsetter.

No, she's so good.

He was like, damn, she got Mendocino. Come on, Tay. Gotta get her game up.

No, Nat's incredible at ordering food. It is like she—

It did look good.

No, trendsetter is a proper way to describe it. She knows what I'm gonna want days before I want it. She knows what's hot.

She's really—

It's really—

What's something else that she ordered that caught your eye?

She just knows. It's not that. It's like when we're at a restaurant, she knows exactly what to get at that particular restaurant.

I'm like really good. Like, I just know what's like mainstream good.

It's gut feelings.

Universally good.

The only thing I can compare it to—

it's like, I know what you guys want to eat.

The only thing I can compare it to is when I was in my vlog prime and I was making vlogs and my parents called me and they were like, well, what happens if the next one's not funny? And fucking the bottom of my stomach, I just felt, don't worry, I got this. That's how Natalie is with restaurants. It's like, well, how do I know if Natalie's going to get it right this time?

And she always does.

You just have to trust her.

She's like Michael Jordan.

No, it's quite literally like that. It is. She's a savant. It's an honor to eat with her.

Wow.

Would you drive cross-country with Jason for $100,000?

That's it? No, but Natalie sent me— this game's triggering a lot of fun stories.

I would love that. That'd be so fun.

So this is—

Can I pay you $100?

Yeah, you can pay me $100.

Okay, so this is what I want to do. Okay, listen, ready? This is a good idea.

I'm gonna talk to Steve.

Uh, I would totally do it for $100 grand. Road trip, no questions.

Uh, would I do that with Jay? What is that, 30 hours, 34 hours this trip?

No, but it's got to be fun too.

Oh, like we have to like— oh, we can't just like cannonball run it. We gotta like actually—

we gotta spend like a month going around. Like, do you like— like what speed?

Just spend a month? That is a fucking meth. Come on.

Sorry, I thought we were having a good time.

No, but there's a really good road trip, Jay, through the UK.

Okay.

You start at the top and you make your way down.

Oh, fun.

I want to do this for the vlog.

Oh, that's great.

These are the towns you hit. You start at the town called Twat, and then you go through—

this is all real.

This is all real.

And you already have a first joke for the vlog.

It goes from the top to the bottom.

Natalie, you were born here.

Go ahead.

It gets better.

Yeah, you start from the top of the UK and go straight to the bottom. It's a 22-hour road trip. Okay, you start at Twat, then you go to Cock Bridge.

Oh Jesus.

Then you go to Dick Place. Oh, then you go to Cocker Mouth. Then you hit Penisston. Then you go to Cock Alley. Then you go to Fingering Hole. And then you go to Ass Hill. And then you end up in Shitterton. Isn't that incredible?

Isn't that funny?

That's incredible.

It's like a real— that's a really good vlog.

Wow.

And with like a fun song under it. Wow. I think it's amazing.

You should leave now.

Yeah, I think I want to do it for the next one.

Really? We're going to London?

I mean, why not, right?

Is that how long of a trip is it?

22 hours, but like it's probably 2 days.

It's like Scotland and England.

Oh, you get to go to Scotland too?

You start— it starts in Scotland.

Oh my gosh, that's amazing.

I think it's worth it. I think we'll knock it out either the next vlog or the vlog after.

Would you delete all your socials for 100 million? Mm.

Oh my God, I would fuck that. $100 million. Hell yeah, I'm out.

You could just get new socials tax-free.

Sure. You can't do— you can't get new socials. Come on, you could, but don't make it that.

But think about it. You get the $100 mil.

No, I understand, but don't make that part of the rule.

Yeah, that's tough.

I write the rules, so that's how I'm— that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, but if— but like, if he starts a new account, like, it's going to be easy for him to like grow that, you know? People are going to be like, oh, this is David's new account, and then be like, oh, David got $100 million, just delete the old one.

Let's see what he's doing with $100 million. Yeah.

He has to be like gone, gone.

Actually may honestly help with the algorithm and everything. I'll be like a fresh account. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, then for sure I'm going to take the $100 mil. But I think even if you have— if even if I had to delete all my socials, $100 mil tax-free, I would. Would you rather live off the grid?

Dude, but why don't you have to finish it? I already do that.

What?

I already eat nothing but grapes. Okay, but what's— okay, what's that? What's the back end?

Watermelon.

Uh, grapes. Grapes are so— first of all, can I say this something? A little quick PSA on grapes. They're actually extremely bad for you.

Wait, actually?

They're high in sugar.

I don't know, I'm just taking a wild guess because I was at the airport.

Oh, this is not based in fact?

No, of course not. Um, I was at the airport and they have these little, um, you know, like the little grape cups they have? It's like a cup. It's like a cup of grapes.

Yes, we're familiar. It's pretty straightforward.

I know, but I'm just— but you've— you've— everyone's seen them visually, so I just I want you to know this.

9 grapes.

It's not that, huh?

You get like 9 grapes, right?

You get like 30.

Okay.

And on the back of it, guess what it said? What? 150 calories.

Okay.

That's fucking insane, Jay. Because when I eat grapes, I eat the whole bag.

30 grapes for 150 is pretty good.

Yeah, but that's not how I look at grapes. I look at fruit as like a nothing.

Well, I think it's like zero. Yeah.

Yeah. Like when you eat grapes, you expect to not need anything. But now I've realized when I'm eating this full bag of grapes, I'm eating like 500, 600 calories of grapes.

Yeah, but isn't it like good calories? Don't you just burn it right off? Like, it's not like you're having peanut butter cups.

Is there such thing as good calories?

Yeah, 100%. For sure.

Okay.

But yeah, they say there's a lot of sugar, but like, do you really think you're gonna gain weight from eating grapes? Like, if you went the whole day and just ate grapes—

I have a question about grapes.

Okay.

So you know the story of Adam and Eve?

Yeah.

You know how like they had everything? Yeah. But so Adam and Eve were the first people on earth according to Bible.

Yeah.

Right. And Eve was made out of Adam's— what was it? Torso?

I have no idea.

I don't know. Regardless, Jason's Jewish. Jason, you don't know this story? Okay.

Anyway, I'm a Jew.

Okay. So there's two people named Adam and Eve. I don't know why I keep setting this up. Everyone already knows this. But they could have anything in the land. They could go to any garden except they couldn't eat from this specific tree.

Yes.

And this is Pastor Dave. And this tree, this tree had an apple on it. It was an apple tree. And God was like, eat anything except from this tree.

Yes.

Yes, we know. Get to the point.

Well, the point is they took from the tree because the devil convinced them.

Yes.

To eat from the tree.

Yes.

Do I need to cut this out?

No, no, no, no, no. Please keep this rolling. What would you do in that situation?

If God told me not to?

That's not fair though, because I don't think Adam and Eve knew of God as we know of God.

Right, so what are you asking?

I think God to them was probably like a normal guy because it was just them and God.

Sure. So it was a neighbor, huh? He was just a guy in the neighborhood, like a neighbor.

Yeah, but you could tell he was a little more holy.

He was Steve.

And he had his—

yeah, Steve is God.

He was like— he had his shit together.

Sure.

He was like Steve. And then the dirty neighbor, the devil. Yeah. Was like, "Now you should really eat from the tree." Yeah. Okay?

Yeah.

So put yourself in their shoes. Would you eat from the tree?

Probably, yeah. If I was hungry, I was like—

But you have access to all the other apples in the land.

Just don't—

God just said, "Just please don't touch this tree." I mean, yes.

Yeah, no, I wouldn't. I wouldn't. If it was a neighbor, if it was Steve Will Do It that was like, "Don't eat from this tree," I'd be like, "Okay, Steve, I won't." Okay, I think so too.

Yeah, but I just— but putting myself in that situation, yeah, and maybe 20, 30 years passed by, yeah, and that tree is made to be such a point, I'd be like, what's going on here? And then like the devil comes and he's like, you don't think it's weird he's not letting you eat from this tree? Do you know what I mean? It just depends on how persuasive this devilish snake was. I've thought about this quite a bit. I'm like, is this 'Cause, you know, the Bible makes it seem out to be very clear, don't take from the tree. But how good was this? Was this like a Mark Cuban sales type of person devil? And he was like really selling me on this tree.

A Tai Lopez type?

Right, so like, yeah, was this Tai Lopez selling me a course? And it all starts with the apple from this forbidden tree.

And you're hooked.

So I don't know. Yes, I definitely think if my neighbor—

Devil's in front of a private jet.

If my neighbor was like, please don't eat from my tree, 100%, I would never eat from his tree.

Right on.

But I just, I wonder how it was all packaged together.

You think, um, you think Eve was hot?

Was Eve hot? Yeah, dude, that's a really good question. What was Adam like? Was he hot?

I don't know.

They had to have been like the peak humans, right, at the time?

I guess.

Yeah, like it had to have been the most beautiful. I think— do you think people—

like a Tom Brady and Gisele?

This is a better question. Do you think people started out ugly or started out hot? And do you think there was— you think?

Yeah, what is ugly and hot?

You know, I mean, like, what do you— what are you saying?

But what— no, no, people had bones in their I'm not saying that. I'm saying like, I'm saying like, not Tara Sanders today. I'm saying like, was there a moment— what moment came first? Oh man, she's kind of ugly.

I don't think—

oh man, I'm fucking— this woman is fucking way better looking than the rest of us.

Yeah, which one?

Which one do you think came first?

First of all, I don't think looks were a factor at all whatsoever. I think it was just like this innate attraction, so you just—

sure, whoever went for it birthed the best children.

Yeah, shut up, Natalie. There's no way. There's obviously looks are like, I'll fucking see a good-looking deer. I'm not even attracted, but that's because you're like, that's a beautiful deer, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's not even the species I'm attracted to, and I'll know the difference between what's a pretty deer and what's not. Cut this part out. I know the difference between a sexy— no, no, but do you know what I'm saying? I think it's always been—

I got one more good one.

Wait, no, no, stay on this.

Okay.

Stay on this. Don't move. Wait, wait, wait, wait. So you don't think that animals are attracted? You know, you don't think—

Yeah, I'm sure eventually at some point.

Wait, that's actually a good point, Natalie. Now I'm like rethinking it because now I'm like trying to think like if we did have these animal instincts from the beginning.

Yes.

Do dogs— are dogs like, that's a hot dog? No.

No. Yeah.

Right?

Like does a Rottweiler look at a poodle and it's like, yep, that's like That's like the hot celebrity A-list dog?

Nope.

No, I don't know.

Okay, I don't know.

But I mean, like, you know, if someone has like a nice body— if one of the cavewomen had like a nice body, you'd be like, oh yeah, I like her better.

What does that mean though? Think about it. What does that mean, nice body?

Because yeah, you don't know, big jugs. I don't know, whatever you're into.

Why would they— okay, whatever.

I mean, you like deer, so you can't relate, but So yeah, I'm like, why are you bringing up cable? Dave, you going hunting again this weekend? Would you rather go back to high school when you were 17 for one week?

I mean, what on earth can compete with this?

But yeah. Or go back and star in the first Avengers movie?

Oh my God. Oh my God. Uh, sorry. And this is my next question, obviously, is, uh, will I do The Avengers movie Justice.

Yeah.

Oh, Avengers movie. Wow. Of course, if I'm like— that's setting myself up for life and like coolness and funness.

That's true. Uh, this one's, this one's dumb.

Can you please sit up, Nat?

Oh wait, I got one. I got a good one. Would you rather have a baby with Natalie and raise a child for 18 years or never be able to have kids?

Oh shit, that's good.

Do I have to have sex with Natalie?

Yes.

Yes.

No, you're still a fucking pervert, dude.

You have to fuck me.

Are you not putting the mic up because you don't want this on the podcast?

I just don't like when Natalie gets fucking weird like this. Look at how much she's kicking her legs ever since you presented this, this sexual question.

Now they're wide open.

Natalie's fucking the whole room.

I gotta open the door.

Hold on. All right, well, that's all for Would You Rather.

Really?

I mean, I have some other ones, but they're not that good.

I actually kind of really like this segment.

Yeah, it's a good one. Natalie said to do it and it worked out.

Wow, Natalie, it's really nice when you like actually give tips that work out.

I know, it's crazy.

Would you rather fire Taylor or not speak to Jason for a year?

Oh, I would never ever ever ever fire Taylor.

Got you.

I have told Taylor— this is a real thing, it's a real story— yeah, I've told Taylor that no matter what, I will always have her back for the rest of her life.

Oh, so I'm really nice.

I have made a promise to Taylor. She—

Tay is the best.

Yeah, she's the best.

She's one of a kind.

Oh, she's like—

she really is. I was talking to her last night, and Nellie's so jealous.

Yeah, I never got that kind of bromance.

Um, you, you kind of have it just because we're like, we're like best friends from our hometown, but Taylor was like newly added. Yeah, like, like, I, I really like Taylor. Like, Taylor's like—

I think Alex, John, Ilya, they all get it. Taylor—

oh, you don't think you have it?

I definitely— I don't think I have it.

Really?

You get to spend a lot of time I'm so lucky.

You really are. You know, when we were doing the Views podcast tour, a lot of people would pay a lot of money to see me.

I want to know about my future security.

No, it's not about your security. It's about the fact that you get to listen to me speak every day. What an honor.

I get to hang out with him. Nobody else has to hang out with him as much as I do.

You get the Views podcast live. That's so nice.

Yeah, you get to hear him, you know, pontificate on religion and Adam and Eve. Yeah, talk about fucking deer.

I am so glad.

And you get to hear moving in.

Yeah, I'm turning— I'm gonna turn the pot off soon and you're just gonna get to hear it all day.

Yay! And you decide to go home, and I get to re-listen to the podcast after we're done. Yeah, it's amazing.

All right guys, that's all the time we have for this podcast. Thank you for everybody that joined us, mainly Jason and Natalie. And we'll see you guys for the next one, which is in one day on Thursday. See ya, bye!