David’s Assistant Called Him Crying

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason is back.

I'm here.

Thank you for coming.

Thank you so much, David. Um, I woke up today and I said, okay, I'll do another one.

Yeah, well, no, I, I mean, I'm, I'm quite literally saying it because you scared the shit out of us last podcast.

What happened last podcast?

Oh, you don't remember? I remember you told all of us you were gonna blow your brain out. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you feeling after that one? It's not the same. Okay, let's roll intro music. No, but we're back. Are you feeling better after the last one? You got some really nice comments.

Oh, I know, I know.

Were you fishing for those?

Totally. It had been a while since I heard anything nice about myself.

So you went to the most extreme place just in hopes of getting anything positive.

Whatever works, man.

And it worked. And I was, I was telling Jason, because in the last podcast we also talked about me ending the vlogs, and I was like, I was like, honestly, surprisingly, a lot less people were for me ending the vlogs. I thought more people would be like, I thought more people would be like, yeah, David, on to the next one, what else you got? But everyone was like, no, fuck that, stay with the vlogs.

Of course, of course everyone's gonna say that. That's what they know.

Yeah.

And that's what they love.

When I told that to Jason, Jason was like, yeah, I was surprised people weren't more mean to me after I told you to end the vlogs. And I'm like, well, you also earlier kind of did say that you wanted to kill yourself. And he's like, yeah, that probably saved me. So yeah, no, so I guess the, the, the reviews are back and people don't want me to end the vlogs, which I feel like kind of— they didn't really understand what I was saying.

A lot of people said they wanted the podcast though.

A lot of people said take the podcast more seriously.

Yeah, that was what I got. Did you read the comment? You don't read the comments.

I did, but I clicked on a lot of those profiles and they were created very recently.

Haphazardly.

Yeah. A lot of those profiles seemed like— and I tracked the IP address and it was to like a small home in Studio City. It was really weird. Every account was coming from one computer.

I got to get that VPN.

Henry is the cutest. 123 Henry is the cutest.

124.

It's just Jason's dogs. All the names are named after his dog.

I was at the gym the other day.

What the fuck? You're just like on autopilot.

No, I was just going to launch into a story because I Didn't know if we were done with that one. Were we done with this?

We can keep talking. I mean, that wasn't even, like, a story. That was just me checking in on your mental health.

Well, I appreciate it.

You're like, "Are we done with this shit? Can I talk about it?" Well, yeah.

I mean, probably part of me wants to just get off it 'cause I'm embarrassed.

Oh.

You know?

You brought it up, bro.

I didn't bring that moment up! You brought up last week!

Last week you were like, "I had this dream where it feels like I wanna end it all." Yeah, I'm embarrassed.

I'm embarrassed that I brought it up, but—

That's not embarrassing.

That's how I was feeling.

I think a lot of people are feeling like that.

Really?

Nah.

Who else is feeling like that?

No, I, I, I, well, I just, I'm saying like in general, like I feel like with the pandemic, people, dude, the pandemic is fucking crazy.

It's a bummer.

I don't think people actually, you heard it here first. The pandemic is a bummer.

It's a bummer.

Straight up. I don't think people realize how like actually bad it is. We, I went to the stupidest line I've ever said.

I went to, I went to Boston and we just sat in the house.

No, it's not even that. I'm saying like existentially, like, it's like— I hope I'm using this word the right way— like, it's like fucking with so many people. Like, imagine being a kid like that's entering high school and now you're missing out on junior, senior, freshman year of college. You're missing out on all those years, like all those important years to develop as a person, and like all those years to like, like figure out what you want to do with your life.

We thought Wyatt was a loser last year.

We're still there.

Because I would go around and be like, man, he's got no friends.

Yeah, you know, but how's he doing now?

Great. He's got like— he's so many people.

The pandemic has helped your son.

Oh, at the pandemic ending, like, in other words, 9th grade.

I don't think it's— I don't think it's ended.

Well, it's not ended, but 9th grade, he, he would like, this guy has no friends, this is so sad. And we thought it was him.

Oh, but it was a pandemic.

But now he's in 10th grade and he is in school and he's got so many friends and everything.

I was about to say, there's no end in sight for the pandemic.

That's That's what I'm like trying to say is like, this has like, like what you're going through and what you're like thinking, like, what the fuck do I do? I think a lot of people are experiencing like, right, myself included. Right. I'm just not as open about things as you are because I don't want to get taken away by, by the police and locked up.

Um, no, I, I just feel like I'm, I'm stagnant, you know, like, oh, here we go.

I'm kidding.

Yo, yo, let's hear that.

I like want to do something something new, you know what I mean? Or I want to like— I want to like be in the groove like we used to, and we're just not in the groove.

But that's not possible.

Not right now.

Yeah, yeah, it's just the world's not like that, bro. It was so fucking— the world was literally so different. It was everything about it. Not only were we extremely different and we were like young and we're like, what is this, what is that? And we were just like experiencing everything. Yeah, I know, but like it's just so different. It's— dude, it's so different.

Is it— is it that different, or are you guys just a little bit older?

No, it's definitely very—

it's different, bro. It's like going out, everything is not the same. Like, I don't care where you go, like, it's— there's just like a different energy about—

it's like there's like this dark cloud, like, subconsciously in everyone's mind, you know what I mean?

And it— it does sound like— now that I'm listening to Ilya say it, it does sound like it's just in our own heads, but I don't know. I would hate to speak on behalf of all of humanity and say there's a dark cloud over everybody.

Like a different feeling. But yeah, it's an atmosphere.

It's definitely different. As if it was always 72 and sunny. Now it's about 65 and with like wind, 30% more clouds than normal.

Well, like, for instance, like, what will you do on New Year's?

Well, Stassi baby's throwing like the best party, so I'm good with that.

Well, actually, I was just telling Jay, like, well, she is.

Yeah, but I am. But no, no, no, I was— I'm being serious. You can't even make those jokes.

So fucking funny. I thought for sure you're like, probably watch Spider-Man with Alex.

No, no, no, no, no. But timeout, timeout, because we were having a dilemma of what to do. We actually were going to go to Lebanon for a little bit.

Really?

Yeah. For what? Our buddy invited us and he's like, come to Lebanon. And we're like, what's there? And he's like, it's Lebanon. And I was like, that's enough for me.

Yeah, that's fun.

I thought that'd be fun. Chicago was an option. Arizona was an option. I don't know. But, but I'm saying like, even though there are things to do, it's still different. It's still like— miss— it literally feels— I hate to compare it to an Avengers reference, but it feels like when Thanos snapped his fingers and half of the world is gone. Like, it feels like that, that type of eerie vibe. Like, like we're not all— we're not our whole selves.

Yeah.

What happened at the gym?

I was at the gym.

Oh, hell yeah.

I was at the gym in Boston. I was at a Lifetime.

Here's the story for you guys.

Yeah, so it's at the gym, and I was at a Lifetime, which I love. Oh, you guys, you guys introduced me.

Hold on, where did you go to Lifetime?

They have all over in Boston.

I do love Lifetime. As much as I don't like talking about gyms, I'll fucking—

bro, you love life.

I'll give it up for life. Lifetime's the best.

You guys turned it on, man, I'll tell you.

It's because it's more than a gym. It's like basketball, soccer, it's like a lifestyle thing.

You can go there for like a full day.

Lifetime.

Yeah, get your hair done. Yeah, yeah, you can.

Yeah, uh, and Lifetime is now offering discount codes. There's ads.

Um, no, and I, and I'm just my own business. I'm doing sit-ups. Right? And this really, really pretty woman comes over. She's probably like, I don't know, maybe she's like 40 and, uh, really, really pretty. And she puts her mat like right next to me.

Wow.

This is—

you know how big Lifetimes are?

Yeah, it's massive.

They're huge.

It's so crazy. I have butterflies currently, and you haven't gotten the good part, bro.

She's like where Ilya is, uh, like right next to me.

Whoa.

And she's like doing sit-ups, and she's like looking at me and like putting her thing. She's like putting her headphones in and like really getting into it. She's in really good shape. And I'm like, this is odd, you know, they never get hit on or whatever.

And so then what do you do at this point? Do you stop working out? Because that's probably embarrassing to continue your routine at this point. Do you just go, ah, okay, that was enough, I'm just kind of lay there?

Yeah, there was a part of me that was like, am I gonna keep You know, looking pathetic. And so then I just keep doing my sit-ups or whatever, and I stay on the mat for a long time because that's how long I want.

I can't get up because I'm stuck.

Pierre's not going to— isn't there to lift me up. So yeah, so then— and she's not leaving, and I'm staying the time that I'm going to stay there. You know, I'm there for 20 minutes. She's not leaving either. And it's like all going in my head. I'm like, this is really strange. She's looking at me, blah blah. She gets up, she finally gets up after the 20 minutes.

And, uh, this has been a while.

And I'm like, okay, okay, whatever. And then I look over and there's her AirPod case. She left her AirPod case.

No way. Yeah, shut up. You know, she— we're all under agreement, it's on purpose.

Yeah, I mean, in my mind I'm like, you know how you like, you work, of course you work it up in your head. You're like, oh yeah, I mean, I'd be an idiot not to think that this is something.

Dude, that is so cool.

Okay, and then I grabbed her AirPods up and I threw them out.

Hey, I grabbed it, I bring them to the front desk and I leave them for lost and found. And let's hear the story.

And at the lost and found, I found my old sweatshirt, the one I've been looking for.

So I pick up the AirPods and I go looking through Lifetime. It's huge. And I find her and she's on the StairMaster with her friend. And I just walked over and I just go, I go, hey, "Are these yours?" Like that. And she couldn't have been a bigger asshole.

Oh.

She just goes, "What?!" Like that. And I go, "Your case. Is this your AirPod case?" She's like, "No?" And I was like, "Oh, oh." "What the fuck?" "OK." Oh, this story sucks.

"OK." Wait, wait, what?

And then I was just like, I started to like freak out and I started to walk away and she's like, oh yeah, yeah, they're mine, they're mine. Like that. Oh, and that was it.

And they were hers.

And they were hers.

Yeah, she was awful. I'm sorry.

Oh well, that sucks, man. That's happened to me. Not, not with AirPods, but it's definitely happened to me.

But do you ever— have you ever had that where you're like working up in your head?

Yes, all the time. Yeah, I have. Every day, honestly. Like I'm driving by a girl, she looks at me, I'm like, yep.

Honestly, yeah, I do, but it just never ends that poorly. I'm not even— I'm not trying to make— I'm not trying to put you down, but like, that's pretty shitty. That's— and I knew that the story was heading that direction. I was like, of course.

Did that ruin your day?

No, not at all.

I was like, give Jason a win. I was so excited. I really wanted you—

it didn't ruin my day at all. Like, I had— what was I gonna do?

Does that happen to you often where there's like hot 40-year-old women around you?

No, I don't see— I don't see a lot of women my age at all.

That's the worst. It's like, there are hot 40-year-old women. Like, those exist. Like, that's the thing. Yeah, you could be a hot 70-year-old woman, but like, for them to be single, they're all in the OC. Neo OC, Orange County. Oh, they're all near. Okay, what's a Neo OC? Why don't you move to Orange County?

I work with you here.

Oh, should we just move the whole thing down?

I was thinking about it.

Yeah, I'm—

we should honestly, we should move to Costa Mesa or like Newport.

I'm so down.

They do have Tommy Bahamas there. I'll probably move this bitch.

That's enough for Dave.

I say this about podcasts a lot, like Zane and Heath were like, let's just fucking move to Texas and do it there. Like, taxes are better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just think people find you less interesting when you're in— when you're not in LA.

You still be in LA, like, technically.

No, I know, but I'm wondering, I'm wondering for people listening, is that like a thing? Like, like if I lived in the Midwest, if I lived in my suburb neighborhood, like, I feel like you wouldn't want to listen to us as much because our stories are so like There's no chance of there being like this great crazy story, you know what I mean? Like, and I feel like people listen to our podcast because there's a chance that one podcast we're gonna have a story that's like, wow, that's such an LA story. And I think it's so subconscious that people don't even pick up on it. But like, I think that's like what keeps people tuned in, like for a good percentage of our audience.

Yeah, I agree with you. I think LA has this like weird stigma around it.

How—

yeah, like everyone, everyone say that you should get on a plane to go to Chicago to get content.

That's the app.

But that's different. That's different.

3 times a month.

Yeah, but yet it is living here and getting the content, bro.

Don't go to Antarctica to your content. But that doesn't—

yeah, but who's to say that if you lived in Chicago you wouldn't get great stories?

It's not that— it's not the great stories. I still think even if you're a celebrity—

you're talking about celebrity?

No, not even celebrities.

No, it's just like, it's just like LA for a lot of people. I know a lot of people are gonna be like, no, fuck that, I hate LA. But a lot of— for a lot of people, LA is like this like dream place to live, right? So I think like us being in it and like us talking about it kind of like—

it gives you credibility almost.

It kind of— no, not that. It kind of like feeds that part of somebody's like, okay, let's, let's, let's all tell us something really interesting that happened because we live in LA. It rained.

Got anything?

Um, I don't have one thing.

Like, yes, I have something.

Okay, go. Yesterday, LA specific.

Yeah, yesterday we were in the hot tub and David ordered bottle service to his house. What do you mean?

Like, you could have done that in Chicago?

Not really.

100%.

Yeah, he could have easily done that. Not easily. They have all the time in Chicago.

Not easily, Jay.

Not easy. He's right. That is kind of crazy. I don't know, I just think like making videos is easier out here because people just want to contribute to entertaining stuff.

Oh, I think it's much easier to like—

okay, you tell me, you tell me an LA story. I know you have a fucking good one.

My LA story?

Do you ever drive by like David Spade?

I used to work for David Spade.

Did we talk about this?

Yeah, we talked about it.

Was he great?

Yeah, he's great.

He seems really fun.

He's really funny because his character on stage is like kind of a shit.

What does that mean?

Like, he's just kind of like, you know, like a twat. Like, fuck everybody. Kind of like that's his persona. But— and he's really nice.

I have one story that I— that I used for like 2, 3 years about like a celebrity being mean.

Natalie was mean to me once.

Well, I said celebrity. No, it was like 6 years ago now. There was like a celebrity. I came up to him with a camera and I was filming him.

Oh, yeah.

And for like 2 years I was like, that guy was so mean to me. And then like time went by and I was like, no, I was totally wrong in that situation, right?

I'm the person—

I walked up to him with a camera. It was like one of the first times I ever filmed in my life, and I was filming immediately. I didn't ask for permission. I didn't do anything. And it like took me a little bit to realize. And then like it was like a year and a half, 2 years later where I was like, oh, what the fuck? No, I was totally wrong.

Is it wrong of me to take the celebrity side in most instances? Uh, I mean, it Like, there's a guy, there's a guy, um, really funny comedian, and he was like, you know, just talking shit about like Jim Carrey. And, um, and I was just kind of like, bro, you, you have no idea what it's like to be Jim Carrey. Like, one time I sat in a circle with Jim Carrey and talked to him.

Why a circle?

Well, I was at a party and— Hey, no, no, no, no, like we were just standing in a circle. We went to Alanis Morissette's house.. We got invited to a— do you know who that is?

I love how you were just talking about how, like, being in LA doesn't contribute to anything, and now you're talking about the circle you were standing in at Alanis Morissette's house with Jim Carrey.

Well, this is like 20 years ago. Doesn't matter. Okay, okay, bro. Anyways, I was at Alanis Morissette's house. I was saying, like, recently.

Like, I mean, like, Bob Saget was there and we were doing blow off.

I wish I could do blow with Bob Saget.

Okay, go, go, go, go.

No, and, and Jim Carrey was there.

And you could just see, like, he couldn't be there because everybody wanted a piece of it.

Like, we were all talking to him in a circle, and even I, looking back, was this fucking idiot. Like, I was like, what are you doing next? What? What?

What?

Like, I couldn't, you know, like, if I saw him now, I'd be much more chill. But back then it was like the height of Jim Carrey fame, and he just like, he couldn't even interact with anybody because people were so fucking stupid.

Right.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I kind of do, but also like, like, what is— what you just said, like, what are you doing next? That's an interesting question.

I guess so.

Like, that's like, that's something like, if Jim Carrey is in, in the mood where he loves what he's doing, which I'm sure 20 years ago he was like, like more gung-ho than he ever was about anything, right?

Like, I'm sure he'd love to talk to you about what he was doing next, but maybe he just would want to have like a regular conversation and he can't.

But if I found a regular person, I would ask them what they're doing next, right? Like, that is a regular conversation. That's true. It's not like you were like saying stupid shit to him. Like, that's like, that's a real human conversation. What are you doing next? What are you up to next?

Right, right.

Like, oh, you work here? What's your goal? That's literally like the fourth question I asked. I don't think that's crazy, but I do understand, like, is it wrong to take the celebrity side? I mean, it's just different. I just think like, it's just every situation is different.

Like, obviously Like Justin Bieber. When I see Justin Bieber, like, and paparazzi and stuff, I feel bad for him.

I mean, that's fucking insane, bro.

I mean, that's, that's an insane life. Like, there's no way he can be normal.

No, it's insane at all.

He can, he can be in his house with his wife and maybe, maybe that's about it.

But it's not even like that. When I, when I picked him up to shoot the video we did, like, it was like he came out of his house and the second he stepped out there was 4 paparazzi cars, right, sitting at the end of his street waiting for him to step out. And then they're shooting pictures of him step out. He got into my car and then they followed us around everywhere.

Everywhere the entire day? Yeah, it's crazy. Did they ever leave at one point and go, we have enough pictures?

No, they just— they— I dropped them off back home.

How long were you with them for?

2 hours.

And they followed you the entire time?

Entire time.

Can you file, uh, restraining orders against those people? Why? It's like stalking.

No, Justin Bieber's listening to this. He's like, restraining orders? No, but Why don't I think of it?

But there has to be something that you could do.

What can you do? Now you're asking? You're a public figure. That's, that's like, that's just the part of the job, which is like, which is like, you know, it is what it is.

Like, yeah, but that's like, I get like, you know, having fans and like whatever, but being stalked like that is like, I think it's fucking insane.

I think more than anything it's dangerous too.

Like, it's like, it's how Lady Di died. Who? Lady Di.

Princess Diana.

The paparazzi were chasing her through London and the guy crashed the car.

Fuck, man.

Yeah.

Wait, what happened? Because I know that. But did the guy crash into her? They were there, or she was— she was getting chased at her driver crash.

The driver was trying to outmaneuver these paps on motorcycles and he crashed the car trying to get away from—

the driver die?

I don't remember.

How is it not illegal to do that?

That's fucking— they were on motorcycles too. Yeah, I just wish you can't escape that.

I just wish like people would chill out about celebrities.

What do you mean? I think people have. I went with Corinna to Chicago.

How is that?

Oh, did you, uh, did you have sex with her? No, no, no, because I wanted to ask like during, during the watching the live.

I would never ask him that.

How come you will? Wait, what do you mean? Like privately? Like that's like privacy-wise?

I just wouldn't ask you that.

Wow, come— I will, Jay. I'm his fucking best friend, bro.

What are you talking about?

Interesting.

I've never shared that stuff, but that's like— it's also Corinna. Like Corinna would flat out tell you too. Like that wouldn't be like something I just guess I don't want to know. Like, that wouldn't be something she'd keep a secret.

That is strange. You've never asked him about like any type of like girls or anything?

But no, we didn't. We didn't have sex. Why?

I wouldn't ask Wyatt either though.

Why?

Yeah, why would I ask if you had sex with Corinna? Because you were on her fucking private jet and she obviously wanted to have sex with you. So my question is why?

I don't think she wanted to.

She literally— are you fucking lying? She said she's gonna give you a blowjob.

That's not sex. Deadass, we didn't do anything.

I know deadass you didn't, but you're a fucking idiot for not.

You think? Yes, bro.

I just like think like It's like bananas how you like are not attracted to her.

No, and she's my friend.

What does that even mean? Like, it's just like you can't have sex with your friends or what?

No, like when you get really close to a person, it's like difficult.

I don't think you're that close with her.

I'm pretty glad to not be able to have known Corinna for fucking literally 7 years. So have I, but I would totally do it. And I think the Mile High Club is like a very special thing that like I'd want.

Oh, you haven't done it yet?

Why are you saying it like it's like the easiest thing to accomplish? The Mile High Club?

You? Yeah.

No. And you know, there's, you know, there's this— I looked up, I— someone asked me the other day to go to space because they're doing space flights now, right? Fucking crazy.

Jesus, what fucking year is it, man? The things that come out of your mouth sometimes.

And there's a thing, it's called cosmic sex. It's actually illegal, but that would be—

gonna be aliens at Stassi's party.

But it's Mile High Club, right? And that's cosmic sex. What?

Yeah, so you got a Do they provide a partner or—

No, no, it's illegal. Oh, you can't do it. You can't have sex on a spaceship. But I was just like wondering, like, that's pretty fucking crazy.

Wait, wait, wait. They are offering this or they're not?

Because, yeah, I was talking to this girl about cosmic sex and I was like, it must be really difficult, like, in space, right, to have sex because someone has to be strapped down.

I'm like, have a suit on.

No, don't you? No, not when you're in space. I'm not saying like out on the moon. That's fucking almost You get a ticket for that. If a Martian sees you, you can't have sex out on the moon. I'm saying in your space station.

I think I'm too slow for the podcast. Someone asked you to go on a space flight. Yes. And then what'd you say?

I said I would love to. And? And then somehow we got wrapped up into—

How much?

Free? It's like a million dollars.

They want you to pay a million dollars?

It's anybody. Anybody can do it. It's the new fucking flights. Everybody's going.

I think it's like $250,000.

It's a million. But yeah, no, then we just started talking about like cosmic sex. Like, is that even possible? Like, that must be the highest level of like— and then obviously there's Martian sex, which must be crazy. No one's had sex on Mars other than maybe one of the rovers. Um, but like, that's pretty miraculous, like, even to think about that that's a possibility.

No? Well, yeah, we'll be living on Mars at some point, right?

You think?

See, they found water on Mars.

Like, like a bottle? Like, uh, yeah, someone left this Evian here.

What do you mean they found water? You mean they found ice?

They found an underground lake. It's pretty crazy.

Yeah. Really? Yeah. We're going to have to move there. This planet's done.

What do you mean done? Like in like a couple hundred million years it's done?

No, I think pretty soon.

You think?

Yeah.

You think we're going to see aliens in our lifetime?

I think they'll be here next week.

My question is like, what's the rush to like, like leave Earth? You know what I mean? Like, Earth is so like resourceful. I feel like we should just fix it rather than—

He's like, Earth has Saddle Ranch. Where would we go? No, seriously though, like, why would I want to— he doesn't even like— no, I know, I know. Earth has Xsport and Lifetime Fitness. It's gonna be hard to lift in zero gravity.

Oh, but actually, like, that will be tough for you to lift.

Why, why wouldn't people just want to fix Earth? Why would they want to go start something new?

How will you work out?

Because I, I think it's people—

I think it's curious, you mean?

I think people are so curious, and it's, and it's honestly, it's— this is gonna sound basic, but I think it's just cooler to leave Earth than to fix it. Isn't, isn't that, isn't that what it is? Like, I don't think, like, I think Elon Musk wants to— I'm sure he's also fixing the Earth, he's trying to, but I think, like, dreaming of leaving it is a lot cooler than, like, I'm gonna go to the ocean and clean it up. Yeah, right. Like, I think that's how it is. Yeah. And I think he thinks that humans are just at a, probably at a level where they can't fix the Earth. Like, a lot of people would have to collaborate on fixing the Earth, so people think about leaving the Earth. I don't know, you're like a real artist. Best. Thank you.

Yeah, you also— you run your business like shit too. Thank you. Don't you think he should fucking— can I talk about something on this podcast?

I mean, I will say this, Jay. I don't mean to blow smoke up my ass, but I truly do run this shit like shit. And you do. And you know what it is? It's a very twisted compliment to myself because I really truly do not care about anything other than making things good. Yeah, it's true. And I hate to say it in like a way where like it like I do not care about them.

Like, you don't care about the money?

I don't ever. And I know people are like, look at his house. I can, I can buy it and it's great. And I only do these things, I only buy these things because it makes everybody around me happy. And I know it sounds fucking bizarre.

Oh, I remember when you were buying this house and I saw Natalie and I was like, Nat, you think this is a good idea?

She's like, yeah. And I didn't care for it. I saw this house first and I was like, I don't like it. And Natalie goes, what do you mean? This is everything you've wanted. And I went Really? And I'm being completely honest. I'm being completely— my happiness comes when everybody else is happy. And I'm not just saying this to be like cheesy, right?

So in a way, the house, you do get happiness. It's the same—

it's the same way when you take me to a place you like eating at, right? And I shit on it, right? And then the next day I bring people to it because I know you like it, right? So I know people love the place. I don't care for it, but it makes me happy that other people are like other people acknowledge this place is good, so I want to take people there. It's the same thing with anything in my life.

So like, I started—

that's why my business is run like shit, because I just don't care. I just want to make the videos.

I really don't care about money, but I do.

I think money is important because money can make so many other people happy.

I told him today, and I was going to tell you this before you leave, I was going to tell you this off camera, but he makes these videos every week. There's a lot of time that goes into them. I sit there all day. Joe sits there all day. He makes zero. Zero from the videos.

Yeah, yeah, that's fucked up. I was thinking about that the other day.

You were thinking about it the other day? It should be your number one priority that you, you do that to yourself.

That's so fucked up. What's your— what's your— what's the option here?

Like, I haven't fucking—

for people that don't know, go to OnlyFans, go somewhere.

Hold on, for people that don't know, I haven't— I don't think people a lot of people know. Well, we've talked about it. Yeah, I haven't made a dollar off YouTube. No, you don't make any money, like 3, 4 years. Yeah.

I don't get why you and Natalie don't understand this, but you can keep doing YouTube while posting on a paid platform, right? Like, your extra content could be on a paid platform, but your regular, like, weekly stuff can still go up on YouTube.

You can still do that. Okay, I had a meeting with, like, a paid platform person I was kind of gung-ho about it before. I was like, yeah, let's do it. But like after the meeting, like I went fucking gray to the face and I was like, ah, it's because they pitched you something.

Like, I just feel like it's so fucked up to charge people to charge people. Yes. Oh, fuck it, Dave.

But your shit is, dude, it's extra content and you're putting in your— but it's not—

he won't put out the extra content. It's not good enough.

But it's— yeah, like, and why would I want to put the greatest content behind a paywall? Like, I want to put the best content for free, and then I— why would I make shit and then charge people for this shit?

I'm not saying don't— I'm not saying make shit. I don't think you should—

the, the— I know, but if I make something great, I'm not going to want to put it behind a paywall. I'm going to want to put it out so everybody can access it. That's it. It's just like, it just doesn't make any sense.

Why? HBO's behind a paywall.

But that's different. How is it different? Because you get a plethora of things, and, and HBO like very much needs the funding to create shows like that. Like, shows are expensive. I mean, I know my blocks are expensive.

HBO's $16 a month.

What I would be down for is if there was like, if there was like a paid platform for like maybe YouTubers in general. Yeah, and it wasn't like, you know how like all YouTubers have like their own like little subscription app? Yeah, but like imagine if there was an app where it was for like, like a certain genre of YouTubers and and you paid $5 and you got them all. Uh, like, that would make sense to me. Like, I'd be down to do that if, like, one subscription paid for multiple people.

Saying that for literally 2 fucking years, bro. I've been saying that someone is gonna start that, and if it's not you, someone will do it.

But have somebody else do it. I don't give a fuck.

Okay, so then fucking meet with somebody and then do it.

I don't even want to do that. I just want somebody to do it. There was the idea. Someone do it. It's just so hard to do. It's so hard. I understand it's difficult to get so many, like, creators.

I, I, I I know it's gonna be very difficult, but I think that you should fucking seriously take into consideration do it yourself. Like, you can make a lot of money for yourself and be a lot of money for a lot of other creators that are also getting stiffed on YouTube. It's not only you, it's so many fucking people that make—

I understand, I understand.

Whatever.

You are the best at it, man, at dodging money.

Mm-hmm. You're just the best. I've never seen anybody like it. You have to adapt. You have to adapt. You have to change. You have to change something. I don't know what it is. You have to change it. And I'm not even talking about the podcast just to make more money. I'm talking about just you.

But money's fine. It's coming. I bought Bitcoin like 5 years ago. Like, so much of it.

No, you didn't.

You don't know this?

No, I bought— don't even entertain.

I bought 800 coins 9 years ago. Um, no, I don't know. Yeah, maybe I'll change something. I don't— fuck, I want to make a movie.

Don't give me that, bro.

So then make a movie, bro. What's wrong with you?

Yeah, I don't know how to go about that though. Yes you do, bro.

You could easily make a movie.

You fucking roll your eyes every time I say it.

Yeah, because I want—

I—

this is selfish. Why? Because I want you to work with me.

Well, you'd work with me on the movie.

I'm not making money doing that.

You're like, the movie's gonna fail.

No, the movie will be good, but you can't make any money, bro.

That's fucking crazy, Jay.

You can't. You might be able to, but I won't make anything.

What are you talking about?

I get paid to do—

it's gonna make a good movie.

No, it doesn't work like that.

It does work like that. I understand it's like the same chances of winning the fucking lottery, but you can make a good movie.

So tough to make money on your first film. And like, unless you're like either A, you're like hooked up with like really big people.

What the fuck does that mean? It's so tough? What earth are you living on? Look at where we are. So tough. It's so tough to live in this house, but having a YouTube channel—

what does your vlog cost?

What are you talking about, Jay? Of course it's tough. He'll back me up here.

Oh, how much money does a movie cost?

Missing, missing the argument here.

Like, he said you have to get $40 million minimum.

So tough to make them— to make, uh, to make money.

Make a movie and make money.

Jay, he wouldn't release anything that's like bad. And, and if he doesn't release something that's bad, it's bound to make money.

I, I agree he's not going to release anything bad, but where's he's going to spend— a movie costs so much money.

Yeah, you have a budget and like obviously Natalie's gonna help me now.

He's gonna pay.

Oh, now he's gonna pay for it. Yeah, she's got your card.

Yeah, she's— she has my card. Can you please tell Natalie to pay for some more warm water in my house? I don't pay for anything anymore. Do you think Natalie bought her own house using my credit card?

You should check.

I should check. Uncharge $1.6 million. I'm like, that's why I didn't fucking buy this in Studio City.

I, I like the— I was gonna make a movie. I had an idea over break to make it.

You made movies.

I'm gonna make a documentary. Really?

Yeah, documentaries are dope.

I'm gonna make a documentary called This Is 50.

That's like your— you love making movies about your age. That's like, that's what FML was. You literally made a movie called Fuck My Life.

Oh yeah, that's true.

Wait, wait, what is it?

I just like that title.

This Is 50? Yeah, yeah, it could be cool. Is 50 Cent in it? Yeah. Oh, then we're good.

Wait, do you want your movie Lloyd Banks Do you want your movie to be in theaters?

No, just on iPads. Yes, I mean, yeah.

I mean, I don't know if you want it to just be like a Netflix release.

There are no movies in theaters anymore.

Yes, there are. Spider-Man just grossed $1 billion, first in the pandemic. Give me a chance, Grandpa. I know I can do it, I swear.

I just think it's like, I think it's, honestly, I'm not being the grandpa.

You know who you are? You're the dad. You're the dad at home that's like, you're gonna move out to LA, kid?

And what?

I am being that. Dance under the spotlights like a little twinkle fairy? No. No, come here and work at my construction site.

No, I'm being forward thinking. I'm not being a grandpa and I'm seeing the landscape, which is movies. Yeah, if you wanted to do it like fucking 10 years ago, 20 years ago, okay, okay.

There's just like the worst movies still do well, but maybe it's not an all-theater release. Maybe it's the thing you sell to Netflix. These— whatever, we're arguing about nothing. Let's just end the podcast here. Okay, that's fine. It's been a wild ride. Jay, don't cry. I'm gonna check in with you. I'm gonna call you once a day just to see if everything's all right.

You can call me once.

Shut up, shut up, pointing the cameras. At least fucking pretend like we're friends. It's officially the new year. It's 2022. I'm joined here by Taylor and Jason. So the new year just happened. Tell me, what did you guys go to any New Year's parties? How was it? What was the vibe?

It was nuts.

Really?

Oh my God. Was there—

it was crazy. It was just like John Legend, John, Chrissy.

Wow.

That must have been really—

Wyatt played piano with John for like an hour.

Yeah.

And Chrissy showed us all these new recipes.

It was just your family?

Yeah, it was Phineas, Billy, um, it was all, you know, and, and, you know, like John was on the piano.

A full album with your son?

He had a, a 4-track with him, so he did a little, but John was hogging the piano. Oh my God.

And Billy, that's a John Legend thing.

Billy is like, can I get in there? You know, and it was awkward, like it was a little tense in the room because people were like, a lot of the, um A lot of the women were like, come on, like, let Billy get in there.

How was the actual New Year's with your family? That sucked.

No, no, it was, it was fine. Fucking Wyatt. We made a family plan, you know.

I, I got my ex-wife, my New Year's, and I wasn't anywhere near him. I thought of him for a second. I was like, don't go there, don't go there. Bring in the New Year.

Why do you hate Wyatt?

No, I'm kidding. I don't. He's truly the best. No, he's great. I mean, I saw Charlie, I saw your daughter for back in the other day. Yeah, she seemed very sweet. It was nice to see her. She was nice to me.

She's trying.

Yeah, I remember yesterday. I, I don't like New Year's because this is gonna sound stupid, like first world problems, but like there's so many things to do. Yeah. And there's so many like people you agree to like say hello to throughout the night. So you're going to like 4 parties and you feel bad at which one. Like, like we got invited to one and I was like, fuck, we have to leave to go say hi to the other people. And now I feel bad that we won't be there for the countdown. Does that make sense?

Yeah, 100%.

And it's It's like a really shitty feeling.

So tough for you. Yeah, I know. All the parties you were invited to with all the amazing people with millions of followers.

I can't relate more, David.

Stas, I love you, man, but I gotta go.

What did you— what was yours like, Taylor?

She cleaned mine. Yeah, literally, I cleaned up your Subway.

You cleaned up my Subway? No, you're with Sheila. Yeah, her and Sheila are like two peas in a pod.

No, we literally sat on our phones.

Is she the one we went to the movies with? Yes.

She's really cool.

Yeah.

They're like, literally the same person. Yeah. Just one's a brunette and the other is a blonde.

I picked up In-N-Out. I was in the In-N-Out line for like— I thought it was going to be like 2022 and I was still going to be in that In-N-Out line.

Yeah, that's how— that's how people bring in—

I won't go to In-N-Out because of that reason.

I won't do it because of the long lines. I was so— I was at— I was at the party we were at for like— it was 11:56 and it was like and I was like, I really wanted to leave everything shitty in the new year. So I was like, and I dropped my phone and it cracked. Yeah, like I have cracks all—

I mean, I mean, good thing you have another one.

Yeah, but I cracked it and I was so happy. I checked, it was 11:56. So I was like, thank God, it's like still left in the new year.

Still Betty White dead, left that.

Oh my God, come on.

Well, what? No, I mean, that was the capper on the year. Everybody, everybody said that. Everybody was like, are you Are you fucking kidding me? This year's been so bad and Betty White dies on the last day?

Yeah, but I feel kind of bad for saying you left her in the new year.

Well, I mean—

At least mourn her for a proper time.

Okay, yeah, whatever. My apologies to the White family, but we were crushed. Everybody, I think, was like—

Yeah, you were really hurt by it.

Yeah, it's just like, could this year get any worse? I mean, yes. Well, it can't because it's over.

Right, right. Now it's over. But yeah, New Year's was fun. The countdown was weird. I was really hoping to get like— my goal for the countdown was to get like a really fun shot of like streamers and everything going on. But I was at someone else's party, so it's like hard to do because I don't want to like step in and be like, here, take these streamers and pop them at midnight and then look at the camera and wave. So I was like recording the countdown and then like my friend was like on the mic like 5, 4, 3, and then like I panned to the crowd and like like, then the crowd was like so awkward because everybody was like looking around for like people to kiss. Yeah, but it was like, but like it was so strange because no one put like their hands up. It was like one of these like, like they turned to like the person next to them and they went, New Year's! Like everyone wanted a kiss, but like, and it was just like, it really like—

well, I was watching the TV and people were like full-on making out with masks on.

It was so weird, like on the New York ball drop.

Yes, I was just like, wait, I like— it was like they were double masked, just like making it like— it was so strange.

I don't know, they do that. I mean, I think it's still whatever, it still counts, right? Yeah, like it's not like you have to touch other person's saliva to like experience a kiss, but it's okay. It's just getting really close, putting the faces.

Oh, so this is like two strangers decide to make out and they leave their masks on?

I don't think it's strangers, I think it's literally people like—

no, I think they were like getting engaged. Like it was weird, just take it off.

I don't know, I was reading this thing and for $255,000, you can buy a package that lets you celebrate New Year's Eve in Sydney from 8 p.m. to 2 a.m. Then you get on a private jet that arrives in Los Angeles at 8:30 p.m. December 31st, where you can celebrate New Year's Eve all over again. Oh, that's pretty fucking sick.

No, I mean, I don't like—

pretty cool. I guess you get to see it twice.

Yeah.

You know, that's cool. What do you do in L.A.? Well, there's no New Year's here.

Yeah, I guess you're right. I just thought of that. I originally thought it said New York's New Year's, right? I was kind of excited, but I just read it for the first time properly. And to say, yeah, the New Year's here isn't the best.

Go to Saddle Ranch.

The other day I was getting on a flight with Corinna. She invited me on her private jet. Taylor calls me fucking freaking out. Like, I'm telling you, like in, in brutal tears. And, and what happened?

Well, David decided to book my flight out of San Diego.

Oh, I heard this whole story from Jess. Go ahead. Yeah, I'm in. I'm clued in now. Go.

Oh, because I was on the phone with Jess. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, and so I decided to call Jess because we needed some help with a bit we were doing.

Yeah.

And, uh, David decided to book my flight out of San Diego because he needed a car when he landed there for Christmas.

Um, this is because we're getting my sister a car for Christmas. It's the pink Beetle. Yeah, that's why this is all— you have to do with San Diego.

Okay, it's pouring down rain and David's like— it's like I was like, I'm gonna have to leave now, like I'm gonna be late. I'm not going to make my flight. And he's like, what? You're fine. It's only like 2. And I was like, yeah, I think that it's 3 hours of driving.

Airport timing infuriates me.

Why?

Yeah, because you just don't work like a normal person. Like, flight leaves at 2:27. We can leave here at like 2:17.

Like, no. But then he doesn't think. So he doesn't know it's a 3.5-hour drive in rain. Have my suitcase in the back. So I'm going. Get on the freeway. I'm entering the freeway and all of a sudden my, like, on my little screen it's like blinking and it's like giving me an emergency warning. And I'm like on the phone with Jess and I'm like, I don't know what's happening to my car. And so like you can't stop because it's just, you're getting on the freeway and all of a sudden it's like gateway module emergency and it's telling me to pull over.

And I'm like, And her hardware malfunctioned, right? So like, yeah, the car was just turning off. Like, the actual software was not in my—

like, brake. I just kept feeling like the brake go, but I wasn't hitting my brake. And I was like getting on the freeway, so I was like, I can't even— so I pull over to the side. I'm in like the very side of the freeway, like little margin area, and I can't open my— the driver door this way because there's just cars zooming by, and I can't open the passenger door because it like stops at like the, the wall that was there. So I'm like squeezing by, like trying to get out of my car because I'm like, I don't know if it's just gonna blow up. Like, I think the worst case scenario, which my car would just like blow up, and, and I just imagined it.

But you could see where this is all coming from. This is insane. I mean, it's already an exaggeration. She was pulled over very safely. Cars were going very slow because it was raining. I think, I think what happened is you later calmed down.

He had that little smile on his face like I was just like freaking out for no reason.

Well, he can be good in a crisis. Well, because he's usually pretty good.

She was freaking out for no reason. So I, I was— I definitely don't know who to believe.

I had to finish my story.

I had a smile on my face because I was like, Taylor, like, your car's not gonna blow up, right?

Right.

Like, you can— I knew it wasn't— you can even leave your car there and just go. But it was like, then she got out of her car and she's just like like, my car's rolling away. And I was like, okay, definitely not rolling away. No, because if it was— because if it was, that's not how you'd be reacting.

It was really—

okay, so, Jake, you know what happened? She probably took her foot off the brake, and you know when you put the car in park, it still has that little inch, it moves forward. That's what happened. And Taylor took it as, it's fucking loose, it's going down the highway. Um, so she started panicking more and like fucking sobbing, Jason, sobbing. And I'm trying to calm her down and like, and and okay, I'm sorry if it came off as like I was making fun of the situation, but I was trying to be as like nonchalant as possible. I know, because I know it wasn't a big deal and I know you could figure it out, but you were in fucking full-on tears and I had no idea what—

I was stressed. And so what happened?

Okay, so then I tried to get out my passenger side. I'm like squeezing through, and I kid you not, the whole— okay, so the brain of the car literally stopped working because there was a recall on that part. I looked it And when it gets wet, it just like—

no, we're in an Audi.

They're the worst. Okay, well, sorry. No, I love it. But, um, so I literally— I'm trying to like—

well, I don't like to talk shit about Audi because they are cool, but they do break down.

No, but did you see like what she just did? She was like, well, it's like as if Audi executives are in the room.

Well, she does— seems like she likes the car a lot.

I do. I really do. They are cool. Okay, so I'm squeezing out of the car, like trying to get out of my car, and I kid you not, I swear everything turns off, like the whole car. So I'm like, okay, it's off. Like, I literally— I'm not gonna try to turn it back on.

Like, it's just off.

It's tough to get to the climax.

Sorry, I just— I have to—

okay, I'm blabbering. Taylor loves setting up her stories.

Yeah, because I like to be validated.

Taylor will tell you about like a good salad she had, but she'll first tell you who was sitting around the table and where she met those friends.

I just paint the picture.

She'll be like, I had a Greek salad and first of all, Cindy was sitting across from me and Cindy I met like when we were 7 and our moms loved each other.

But one time our moms got in this big fight when we were in Vegas. I'm a bad storyteller.

No, you're not a bad, you just include a lot of details. Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, go.

Well, I just didn't know, like the car just stopped working.

But why did you think the next thing in your car turning off would be an explosion?

I mean, 'cause it just stopped. Like, I literally just took it to get service.

Self-destruction in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

60 or more people killed in random incidents in Audis today as they keep exploding.

20 Audis this New Year's Day have been pulled over and randomly exploded.

That's what— okay, apparently—

no, I know, I know, I know.

Q5, Q5. It's raining, it's the highway.

Hey, listen, I don't want to make fun of you for the situation because I feel bad because you're actually stressed, but from now on, you just gotta take a— you just gotta take a breather.

From now on, I'm calling Jason.

Call me.

I'm there. Jason will fucking make you even more panicky. Jason will be like, you know what, you're right, it may blow up.

No, call your loved ones, say goodbye.

You want me to patch through to your mom quick?

No, the whole thing turned off. I'm getting out of the car and it starts rolling forward. I'm not kidding.

Yeah, okay, hold on, wait, this is—

and then he goes, Taylor, was it in park?

This is a bigger— this is a bigger problem here. Did you— did you not think I helped you on that phone call?

No, you didn't.

Okay, because I think I did, and you're like, Jason, he helped a lot. I feel like I was, I was on the call with you for 40 minutes, and yeah, and you're completely like just throwing out everything.

I was scared.

I understand. I think the whole thing, the whole thing could have been avoided. You, you had her drive the car down there and then fly to Dallas.

It's a little complicated.

In his defense, bro, you, you, that's like, that's you, you always insert yourself in these ways that just make it so Guilty.

Fucking difficult?

Guilty. Like, why is he having you drive to San Diego, change your flight, and fly to Dallas? Like, that's bizarre. It's bizarre thinking. And you know who goes along with that bizarre thinking? Old Natalie. And I know she's not here to defend herself, but she's guilty of it too.

Yo, I'm so happy Natalie's not here to defend herself. Let's fucking shit talk her right now. She deserves it.

She's in Mexico having a good time.

Let's fuck her up right now. Okay, let's do it. You go first.

Well, you know, I just don't like her face.

You hear that, Natalie? That's all the time we have for today's podcast. Please send your peace and blessings to our little Taylor.

I literally just get on here and talk about my car issues. That's all I've been on here for.

You want to talk about other things? No.

Oh, okay.

I love it. Yeah, no, people need it. People need to see this perspective. There's a lot of people out there that are scared to drive.

If you have an Audi 2021, get that checked.

Don't drive in the rain.

Q5, get it checked out because there's a recall on the gateway module.

You heard it here, folks, guys. You heard it here, folks, guys. You heard it here first.

And that's all the time we have for car talk. I'm Sam, this is Billy.

I hope you guys have Happy New Year. May all your resolutions come true, and we'll see you guys around. My name's Jeff.

Bye.