Sex Orgies Without Jason

What's up guys, welcome back to Views, the podcast where Jason's been working out more.

Yep, I'm loving my new body. It's my same body and another one on top of it.

All right, roll the intro music. What's up guys, welcome back to Views. I just want to make it clear, I only like Natalie for her looks. Thank you, Jason. Your personality is cool.

Can't even follow that.

Means you're ugly. No, listen, everybody here has a beautiful personality and beautiful looks. That's why I'm friends with you guys.

Even me?

Yeah, you're all right. I mean, let's be honest, right? Like, I give you a lot of shit for being an ugly guy. Yeah, but you're very, very handsome.

Oh, come on, David.

No, like, genuinely incredibly handsome. What's your motive for your age? What's my motive? No, I'm just being honest. Honesty is my motive.

You two are both fucking out of your minds.

Why?

You never know what you're gonna get in here.

It's so funny.

Compliments.

You could get a compliment, or you could get ripped to shreds. Or you get ripped to shreds, right? Pretty fun. Natalie's mom was a gymnast.

Uh, really?

She was not.

When did she quit?

And when she got the RV.

We just tried it.

Same time she picked up her drug addiction.

Oh my God, dude, I wish—

sometimes I wish your mom was like I wish your mom would like at least phone in so when we make fun of her, she can like have a little rebuttal. Yeah, because we do make fun of her often and I think she can't like get her two cents in. Does she? Does she listen to these at all?

No, no, absolutely not.

You definitely have the wackiest mom.

I don't think she's that wacky, right? Yeah, your mom's pretty wacky.

My mom's not wacky. She's fun.

Your mom's not wacky.

Wacky is a different definition.

Your mom's just interesting. Yeah, yeah, your mom's just like really funny. Like after spending time with her, I was like, wait, she's not like a regular person. Like it took me a— like, right, Natalie?

Yeah, like a minute.

It takes you—

it takes you first. First you go, oh, it's an old lady, right? And then you have to unwrap that and be like, get to the person. Yeah, that's in there.

And then you're like, oh, this is a different human.

Yes.

Yeah, that's what your mom has been. Natalie, your mom is actually very scary.

I don't know anyone as loving as my mom. Mom.

Your mom's extremely loving.

Not one person, right? She's so giving.

How would you describe Natalie's mom?

Jason's just trying to talk up his mom because he knows that she listens to the podcast. Mom, I love you.

How would you describe Natalie's mom if she— to a random person?

Cookie. Cookie.

Uh, she's like fun.

Yeah, fun. Pretty.

Fun. Um, she's like, she's like the type of person like—

first though. Yeah, before pretty.

Cookie first.

Natalie's mom is like the type of person like she lives in a townhome, or she did, She was in the area.

How does that describe—

No, no, no, hold on. I'm not done.

I'm not done. So I'm painting the picture. So imagine you come over to Natalie's house. She lives in a townhome, and you get there, and Natalie's mom has a flashlight attached to her forehead, and she just started digging in the middle of the living room, living room, and she's digging a hole into the ground like 30 feet.

Okay.

And she comes out, she's all muddy, and she goes, you won't believe what I found down here, Natalie. That's, that's like what kind of mom Natalie has. Adventurous but misleading and like very confusing.

We pulled up on her once outside your house in Vernon Hills, and it was like 5 o'clock in the afternoon. She was just like, I just haven't been able to— gotta get the stuff from the storage unit.

Just so out of breath. Yeah, like she's running, like she's running 7 companies.

Yeah, I hadn't done anything yet. Like, got a late start. Yeah, yeah.

And it's so funny, right? Yeah, we pulled up on your mom. It was in our hometown. Very quiet place, and she's just like so out of breath. And I, I turn to Jason, I go, she's like the type of person that like has like a couple things to do throughout the day but makes like a whole meal out of it, right? Is that what she is? I mean, 100%, like, 'cause like, like she was fucking— it literally looked like she was running like the Northwest branch of all of Chase Banks. Like that, like she was like, she looked like she was stressed. She looked like she was the president of the United States, just like completely out of breath, like I've been working all day.

Well, she gets very in her own head about like doing things. Like she realistically has like 3 things to get done that are are like fairly manageable. Yeah, but she'll like— I don't know what it is. I don't know how to explain it either, but I know exactly what you're talking about.

Did you get along with her growing up?

Um, up until like I was a teenager.

So no, when you're a child you do get along with your parents for sure, right? No, but then when you hit 13, 14, you rebelled?

100%. My mom and I were like sisters though, so it was like, it was like fighting with my sister.

So she was more of a friend than a mom?

That's so funny, like when you turn—

I mean, she was definitely like a mom because she disciplined me and like was very like hard on me and like a motherly figure for sure, right? But it was also like just us two living together, so it was—

were you like that as a teen too, Jay? Like where you flipped on your parents and you were like all of a sudden—

no, I was never like that.

Why?

I, I had no— I know I always wondered why I wasn't. I just had no need to be. I was just like, oh, my parents were great.

I always wondered why I was like that. Like my mom—

yeah, why?

I don't understand why you were like that.

I don't know.

My kids, I'm waiting for them to flip and I don't think They will.

No, my, my mom would like, literally, she'd hold me in her arms. Like, I'd be giving her hugs, like long hugs. And I remember her telling me this. She'd be like, she'd be like, like, I'm cherishing— she'd literally say, I'm cherishing these moments because I know when you turn, when you become a teenager, it's not going to be like this. And I would literally respond and go, what do you mean? Why would I never— why would I want to stop giving you hugs ever?

She saw the twinkle of Satan in your eyes.

That's, that's the shit I would say. I'd be like, I have no idea. Like what you're talking about. I'm always going to be giving you hugs and stuff. And then I turned teenager and I was like, no, that's it. Like, I don't, I don't love anything. Like, I got really cold. I don't know what it was.

It's weird though, that like you can— you can—

I'm for karate. Did we talk about that on the podcast?

You mentioned it on the podcast, but then we were out last week in the RV. Any time you were upset, I love saying it so fucking much. It made me laugh. And sometimes I just— you're being in a bad mood in the RV and I would just say it to myself and I was fucking dying.

Yeah. Last, last thing on the last podcast I mentioned, like, my dad would like— we'd have to go to church and I'd have to go to piano and have to do taekwondo. And I would hate doing all those things. And every time we would do it, he'd know that I hate it. So he'd come into my room and he'd go, time for piano, because he'd know I fucking hate it. Or like, time for church. Oh my God. And the worst thing he would say, the thing that fucking pissed me off every Sunday morning, he'd go, the bus is leaving. That's what he'd fucking say to church to all my siblings. They'd go, the bus is leaving in 10 minutes, everybody. And it was like this, like, cheaper by the dozen bullshit. Like, you know what I mean? It just fucking pissed me off so much. Me, Jason, Natalie, and Taylor went RVing the other day. We gave out a bunch of gifts to people like Xboxes, PlayStations. We gave a couple of people $10 grand. We got some cars for people. iPads. Yeah, we did a whole bunch of stuff for people and it was really fun, but it was the biggest pain in the ass, like tracking people down, pulling up the right way, like making sure that the sun was facing the right direction when we were filming, like all of it, like was a major pain in the ass. So like a good 8% of it was like me yelling at Jason because he was the driver, yelling at all of us. Yeah, I was yelling at everybody. I was definitely yelling.

I was yelling.

And like we were in the car and like Jason— Jason, okay, but Natalie, be honest with me, Jason would like— Jason was not a good driver. I don't know what he was doing.

Okay, but you have to understand.

Go ahead, go ahead. I'll take my time.

No, no, Natalie's about to take your time.

You said that in your text today. You gave me a little like, thank you. David gave me the rare thank you.

Let me read it. I texted Jason today.

I didn't get a fucking thank you text.

Oh, you did? Oh, I did.

Where was my thank you text? You texted me back.

Mine was undercut with, but you're still a shitty fucking driver.

I texted Jason today. I said, thanks for help. Sorry I yelled. You're just a horrible fucking driver.

Yeah. Why can't you just say, thanks for help. Sorry I yelled. Just leave it at that.

Well, I wanted to be silly. I didn't want to just be like, thanks for help. And like, no, I was definitely yelling at Jason because like some of the ways he would turn just made no sense.

Oh my God, there would be— listen, there would be— Natalie would say, there's a girl, she's da da da da, her name is Genesis, she, you know, her family's out of work. And we'd be on our way and I'd have the address, and then on the way for the address, David would see some fucking schmo on the other side of the street on an 8-lane highway. Right there, right there, right there. And I'd be like, oh What? What? What are you talking about? Turn around, turn around.

I gotta go give that guy an iPad.

Yeah, yeah, I want to get that. And then expect me to turn the fucking RV around? It's not that easy. I would love to see you do it.

Dude, watching Jason turn around that RV, oh my God, it was like he was fucking controlling a planet. He made that entire thing, he made that thing look like he was like driving a ship.

First of all, the first minute I'm in the RV, you guys start yelling at me. Okay, because I don't know how to drive an RV. I was much better the next few days, like once I got used to it.

You floored it out of the driveway.

Just getting out of the driveway, which is on like a slant in and of itself, and you fucking gunned it. And we have hundreds of consoles in the back, everything goes flying. And I was like, seriously, that's how we're gonna start this trip?

Not only that, but like the whole thing was funny because every like, every like 30 minutes it'd get like hostile in the car for about like 10 seconds because of you. Yeah, right, right, because of me. And it was really funny to watch Jason's face because I could tell Jason was holding back so much like anger, but like he just didn't want to let it out because he just wanted to get through this entire trip. It was like, like, right?

Am I right? I don't think I was holding back a lot of anger.

Oh, I could tell.

There was one thing you said to me that made me really upset.

What did I say?

And I held onto it and then I mentioned it like 2 hours later. Oh, I remember. And you go, you go, you still on that?

What did I say?

We were driving and it took me a while to understand that like you were just gonna start pointing out random people even though I'm headed to a destination that I'm following.

Like as we were driving to a destination, I would point out random people and be like, let's go give that person an iPad. Let's go give that person a PlayStation. Yeah.

And then he goes, you go, and then whatever, I flipped around and I missed the guy that I was supposed to find. And David goes, you and me, man, you and me, no, we're not meant, we're not meant to work together.

Oh my God, yeah.

He goes, we're not on the same vibe, we're not, we're not meant, you and I, no.

We don't make a good team.

We don't make a good team!

That's what I said.

I said team! 4 fucking days about that. Then he goes, if Liza was here, Liza would have known exactly what I wanted.

I said Jeff.

Yeah, or Liza, or Jeff. Maybe you said Jeff.

Yeah, I said— so it was like, yeah, I said, I said good team. I didn't say anything else. I was like, yeah, me and you don't make a good team.

Yeah, me and you don't make— how could you say that?

But I was like, I was like, podcasting, YouTube, okay. No, you didn't say that.

Yes, I did. No, you did not say podcasting, YouTube.

Yes, I did.

You said straight up we don't make a good team. Yeah, the guy that you picked to fucking do this job with you for 4 days.

Yeah, okay, I said that the first day. I said that the first day, and then, and then, and then I was like, man, we should have brought Jeff.

Oh yeah, when you said that. Yeah, we should have brought Jeff. I told Jeff that. He loved that.

What'd he say?

He's like, aha.

Um, no, but then, but then 2 days in, I was like, oh shit, we couldn't have brought anybody but Jason because it was a lot of work and no one was desperate enough to be there with us all those times. No, it was a lot of work.

It was.

It's crazy how much work went into that. And like, it's like when you watch the video, it looked like it was like—

it looks like one day.

It looks like one day. And it looked like it was like we just drove down one street and we were like, here and here. It looked like we were like throwing rose petals to the left and right. But really it was like, turn the fuck around. And Natalie in the backseat is like, it's fucking hot in here. Natalie in the backseat, are there even any fucking windows on this bus? And then Jason would turn the AC on. And the RV wouldn't go past 20 miles per hour because, I don't know, the AC for some reason was connected to the engine. And Jason was like, I can't turn on the AC, Natalie, because then we won't be able to get home.

Oh, and then the day I wanted to work out, I came in, everyone's fucking mad at me, everyone's pissed at me because I wanted to work out, which is bullshit. Go look at the text. Natalie hadn't even gone to the bank yet.

The second day?

No, this is the third day, because the first two days I came and I was on time. We didn't leave for two hours.

The second day? I thought it was second day.

It was second day.

It was second day.

No, it was third day.

No, it was the second day. It was the second day.

I'm telling you it was the third day.

Jason—

Okay, but you're wrong and we're telling you it's the second.

Fuck it, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Let him think that he's right on this one.

It was Monday. We went out Saturday and Sunday and I worked out Monday.

Okay, whatever.

Go.

It was the third, second day, whatever. And I was like, Jason, tomorrow we need to start earlier. We need to start at 10:30 because today we did not get done nearly as many houses as we should have. And he's like, oh, I can't. I gotta work out at 10:30. And I'm done at 11:30. And I was like, okay, listen, man, I haven't posted in over a month. We don't really work on a lot of stuff. We don't really have a job right now. Let's get this thing done and push your workout a little bit.

Like, or work out earlier.

Yeah, or work out early. Like, we finally have something to, to, to like get done, and he's gonna go work out. And guess what?

I tried to move it.

And guess what? Yeah, I couldn't move it. Then he shows up at 11:30 and we didn't get everything done.

And then anyways, when the day went to shit, you blamed it on me. That I went and worked out because you weren't ready.

Yes, I was.

No, he was at the bank. I guys, I looked, I looked at the text.

She was at the bank at 11 o'clock because you told her that you, that you weren't coming to 11:30.

What about the other 2 days that I came and you guys just sat around thinking the video was gonna materialize by just sitting here?

I love how people just watch this video and everyone's like, oh, so beautiful. Yeah, tune into this podcast and it's just like, you're a fucking cunt.

And the sandwich. Oh, but behind the scenes, the third day I came— oh, the workout day, which was day 3. I came in and so I know I'm late and everyone's fucking pointing at me. They're mad at me. And then Taylor gets sandwiches. Taylor gets David this smelly Italian sandwich. David fucking opens it up. It's got fucking mortadella on it, whatever's on it, and he eats half. He goes, huh, how's the other half? Have the other half so we don't have to stop. Like that.

I'm like, bro, we're in this man for 8 hours.

I didn't fucking get lunch.

I don't sound like a gorilla.

Yeah, when you got food, when you have an Italian sandwich in your hands.

Oh, you're right.

When you get Jersey Mike's No, I'm okay.

The next day Jason brings over a chicken, brings over—

oh my god, brings over one. Yeah, brings over— wrong with the chicken? Why? Why? Because you guys— I don't want to eat McDonald's.

He brings over one chicken, like, like, like a rotisserie, rotisserie chicken, and he goes, I brought this for all of us to share, for 4 of us in the car. He said that, and I said, I got us a chicken. And I was like, oh, and you don't—

you don't want to go down this road, my friend. Yeah, you don't know. Do you know what he said to me? You know what he said to me? Yeah, thank you, Jimmy.

This I did. This is one thing I will confirm myself.

I got the chicken, and I go, oh, hey, I got us a chicken. And David goes, well, David goes, oh, well, I want all of it.

What? I did say this.

He goes, I want all of the chicken. Like that. Who fucking talks like that?

I will not deny this.

And then I ate half of the chicken, and then he's looking at it, and he's like—

Why didn't you eat the other half?

Yeah, why did you only eat half the chicken? I thought a real man would eat the whole thing. Mr. Real Man over here playing actor. Xbox with his high school friends.

It was a fun trip, but that's exactly what I said about the trip. I said, hey guys, we all like are like despising— like we all hate it right now, but we're gonna look back at it, we're gonna think it's fun. Like, that's— that's—

I did look back at—

that's kind of what it ended up being. It was a great like bonding thing too, and it seriously felt like we were road tripping. Like, we got to every single corner of LA. Like, we went everywhere in like— everywhere, everywhere within like 50 miles, I think.

Yeah, the rotisserie chicken is a questionable, like, item to bring along on a hot RV road trip.

I'm sorry, what?

A rotisserie chicken? What's your name?

Shut up. It's just J.

It's a weird thing to fucking share. Yeah, especially during coronavirus season. Like, we're all gonna fucking dip our fingers into this rotisserie chicken.

I said I got you and I a chicken.

I know, but it's so— bro, not even that fucking— this is the worst person to share anything with. We're going around, we're in the bus, We have our gloves on, we're like around, I mean, we're keeping our distance from everybody, but we're still out and about. And fucking, we pull over to get McDonald's, I see this dude fucking chowing down at McDonald's with his gloves still on his fingers. He's eating his food with the gloves still on his fingers. I was like, Jay, what the fuck is the point of wearing gloves if you're just gonna eat food with them?

I don't think that's what happened, 'cause I didn't eat McDonald's. But I did at one point eat with fucking gloves on, I was hungry.

That shit was so weird. I was like, dude, like Jayce is just licking the gloves after he's done with his peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

Because I, I didn't know how to do anything because I don't know where to clean.

This is what I realized about Jason. Yeah, not good at multitasking.

Not the worst.

The worst at multitasking. Because what— and Jason will come to us like every morning and we'll be like, Jay, why didn't you shower? And he'll be like, because you called me, you called me, and then I also had to eat breakfast, and then I had to breathe, and it was tough to get everything at once. Like, Jason's just not good at doing multiple things at once.

What did you give me a multitask to do that I couldn't do on the trip?

What was it? We were driving by somewhere and we told him this, like, I don't know what it was, but we told him to like, he was like, I was going to turn, but then Natalie said something.

Oh yeah, I was giving you directions. Like I had— I don't remember.

Jason's not good at multitasking.

Oh my God. Okay. Now the amount of things David has spilled on this shirt this morning, he's been up for 2 hours. There's tea, there's yogurt, there's milkshake, there's coffee crumb cake.

If that were me, if I had a stain on my shirt, he would just pick it apart.

See, now you understand Jason's perspective.

Yeah, but I'm not gonna say anything. You know why? Because I like you and I think it's okay to spill stuff on your shirt.

But Jason, you like consistently have stains on your shirt.

You probably do too, but I don't look because I don't fucking care. I don't consume myself with stuff like that. Now he's looking around at me to find something that he can pick apart. Go ahead, go do it, go do it. Pick it apart.

There's a stain right under that guy's foot on your shirt. Where?

That's a sweat stain.

Oh yeah, that's just a stain that wouldn't come out in the wash. I ran over here. I come over here today and I run, and which I think is good, like, and David's like, what the fuck, Jay, man, you're gonna die. Look, you have a bear chasing you. Maybe you shouldn't run, old man.

No, maybe you should just walk. You left out Natalie. You left out a lot of parts.

You showed up to our front door like dry heaving. I thought you were about to collapse and die. That's a little—

you see me work out, that's what happens.

I know, but every time you work out, I'm a little scared.

And then you're like inside the house for like maybe 40 seconds, hacking up shit.

Yeah.

And then I went outside to hack up.

Exactly. And then you decided you're like, oh, better make these loud noises in the backyard. And then you went out and all I hear is, oh yeah, oh my God, it's like, it's like a fish out of water. That's what it felt like.

Yeah.

And then Natalie was like, should we call somebody? And I was like, Jason, what the fuck's going on?

Fucking hate your youth. I hate it so much. I can't wait till you're old.

It's crazy that it's like, it's that bad.

Huh? Yeah.

I mean, you know, you run up this hill and old age snuck up on you, right?

Yeah.

Like, you still feel like, like a couple of years ago. Do you remember being young and like healthy?

Yeah, I remember it like it was yesterday.

Wow.

Before I met you, I was really healthy and getting in good shape. Even, even in my, like, early 40s, I was like, that's what's so crazy. Doing pretty good.

It's been such a drastic turn of events for you.

Well, I think that someone's watching someone in pain has never pissed me off more than watching you in pain.

For some reason, everything pisses you off. Everything. Every, every time.

Time we're like walking towards the car and like I see you're hurt, I go, what?

Why?

Why are you hurt? Like, I cannot like comprehend it.

Like, if I'm stretching out or something, I—

like, you're just always in pain. And I'm like, yeah, I have no hip. You're not— but like, you're not that old, bro.

I have no— I have no hip.

What happened to it?

It's gone. So I have no—

what did you do?

I wore it down running too long. So one of my hips is missing. One of my like joints is like missing. It's like bone on bone. So then that affects my leg. So my leg's all cramped up, so I just— I can't— I can't either have to have surgery or wait for this stem cell shit to grow back.

So that's why it's fucking pissing me off.

Maybe like, maybe you shouldn't be running then. You should be doing—

I shouldn't— I shouldn't be running, but I can't go to a gym. There's no gym.

Yeah, but you can do body weight stuff, right? Isn't that just as effective?

I, I, I have nowhere to do it.

What do you mean? You have a patio.

I don't have weights.

You don't need weights. I just said body weight.

Do you love working out?

It's probably the only thing that like will change my mood and make me happy. It's the only thing.

Is it because— is it because it's the thought that, hey, I worked out? Or is it because like it does actually like releases chemicals in your body that like—

it releases chemicals in my brain and it actually makes me euphoric. What? Yeah, I know. It's literally the only thing. Like if you ask me, Jason, what would you want to do today? I would say, oh, go run at the beach. That would be like my ideal thing. Like Casey Neistat and I talked about that. Casey planned a vacation where he would just run every morning.

Yeah, but why is it that I don't like running? Why is it not like a universal thing that everyone likes working out?

You don't get endorphins released when you work out. You don't feel good.

Yeah, but only because I worked out and then I'm just fucking tired the entire day, right?

That happens to me too.

I just feel like shit. Like, I feel like I literally wasted my entire day by getting some exercise done.

Yeah, that's true.

And everyone goes, you just have to do it a little bit longer. I've done that for like months, and it's just like every day, it's just like—

you're so lucky. You're just at this point, you don't have to fucking work out. I'm so—

I definitely have to work out. I don't—

well, your body doesn't change. Like, you really— like, you just have the same body regardless, you know?

Same with my dad. I've always talked about this. I feel like my dad works out.

Dad's in crazy shape.

Yeah, he's in really good shape.

He actually works out a lot, so maybe if he didn't, he would be fat.

No, but I'm saying if my dad— like, if some— if another person worked out as much as my dad, yeah, they'd be fucking ripped, right? Like, I feel like he's always working out, right? Maybe he is ripped.

He is kind of ripped.

Yeah, he's kind of in good shape. Your dad, you think my—

if my dad and I got into a fistfight, who'd win?

Your dad would fucking kill you. Time for an ass kicking and then piano. Looks like you should have worked harder at taekwondo. Oh my God. Stop it, Paulo. Stop it. Stop beating him senseless.

That does sound like—

He challenged me to a fight. What do you want?

That does sound like a conversation my dad and I would have. Like, it does. I don't know why, but I feel like at one point he did pick me up from taekwondo and like, hit me something like, you know, like as a joke. And it was like, yeah. And then my mom was like, what the fuck was that? It does feel like super real to me.

Don't hit him, Paulo. It's obvious he's a big pussy.

Constantly my parents teaming up on me.

The only thing he's good at is video games. That's funny. How's this gluten-free bread that you've been snacking on?

It's the best.

Are we sure it doesn't go right to our asses?

I mean, it definitely—

it's—

he got— it's very like— there's definitely a lot of sugar in here.

No doubt it's delicious. But is it like kind of like—

well, Natalie told me I can eat as much as I want. That's what she said.

You need to just figure out what you need to eat. It's your body.

She literally went— she went, oh, and this bread's even healthy. And I go, really? And she goes, yeah, you can eat as much of it as you want. Yes, you did. You said it yesterday in the car. And then I was like, really? And then I had one slice, and then I had two, and then when you left, I had three more.

It's so funny how you won't just do your own diet. You rely on other people to tell you what's good, and then when it's bad, you fucking lash out against them. Taylor, what the fuck? My ass is huge. No more gluten-free bread.

I don't know. I don't know what's healthy anymore.

Watching you three together fight, like when you and Natalie are fighting and then Taylor's there, it's like Taylor's like the fucking little kid. Fucking parents are fighting. It made me think of my own childhood watching you two fight.

Yeah.

Taylor being like, I can fix it. Okay, it's all right, Daddy, come back. The puzzle's not broken.

Daddy, come back.

It's such bullshit, Jay.

What is bullshit? Your fucking giant house and your fucking ruling of the internet? Is that what's bullshit? Why do you always— The beautiful girls that want to sleep with you? The fact that you reject Madison Beer all the time and all the internet loves you for it? What's bullshit, man? What's the problem? The fact that you're real good-looking and everyone loves you? Got a beautiful smile, you're a hit on talk shows. What is it? Your cool friends like Todd and Jeff and Scott? Charlie Puth, Benny Blanco. What is it? Yeah, you're right, man. Things are pretty good.

What? You know what's bullshit? What is that? Why is it that all the, all the good things that taste good, why are they all bad? Why is there not one thing? Why is there not one food that's— okay. Yeah, you're right.

I was going to say, like, broccoli. Like, broccoli tastes pretty good.

Broccoli's so good if you cook it white, right? And put oil on it and salt and stuff. Yeah, when we went to Master's that night for Jack's birthday—

Broccoli is good with ranch. What? You know, I also used to love ranch until I found out— guys, if you don't want your taste in ranch to be ruined, skip this part of the podcast. There's mayo in it. Did you know that?

I think we talked about that.

That's like the whole thing. Like, ranch is mayo. Like, that's like the whole— like, it's, it's mayo with a little bit of spice. Yeah, I'll say that's what makes ranch.

Ranch is disgusting.

You didn't know that?

No, I had it.

It's so fucking—

ranch is disgusting.

You didn't know that?

I did not know that.

Does that make you think it's fucking disgusting?

No, I love mayo. Like, I put mayonnaise on everything.

Okay. I think I already talked about this. Why I hate mayo. Did I? Yeah, I guess I can't remember why, but yeah, it was from a movie and it was just like this girl looked in the mirror and all she saw was like a big stack of mayo. She was like overweight and she, like, hated her weight and she just saw mayo when she looked in the mirror and it made me so disgusted by mayo. And I can't even if I like It's crazy how I like— I don't hate the taste of mayo. I hate the thought of mayo and I can't get past it to like even see if I like the taste.

The consistency of mayo is a little odd too. Like, yeah, I don't use a lot of it. It's kind of weird.

Same thing happened with me with shrimp. There was a stand-up comedian had a bit about shrimp, and once I heard it, I never wanted to eat shrimp again. Yeah, shrimp is weird because like shrimp, he basically says it's like, that's like they just feed off like poop.

Yeah.

Eat fish food. Yeah.

They feel like cockroaches. They're like the cockroaches of the sea.

That's the bit.

Oh, really?

That's pretty much what he says in the bit.

And once I heard it, I was like, oh, Yeah, that's, that's what they feel like. They're like, they're really gross.

Jim Gaffigan.

Oh yeah, yeah, Jim. Yeah, I know Jim.

Funny guy.

I don't know Jim.

I do.

I know, but do you?

I do, I do. In fact, his kids are fans of the vlog.

Oh, right on.

Um, now David can't say anything like, oh fuck, they're fans.

I wasn't gonna make fun of Jim, I was gonna make fun of you.

He's great. Jim's great. He's really funny.

He's not your friend, he's funny.

He would say he's my friend if I called him right now.

Call him right now. You have Jim Gaffigan's number? Yeah, Jim's a big comedian.

I haven't called him in a few years, maybe 10. Okay, here we go. Oh man, I hope he like pretends like he doesn't know me.

Yeah, put the phone right up to them. Okay, Jim Gaffigan is a pretty big comedian.

I'm also calling him during a pandemic.

Yeah, right.

This is not the best time to ask him if he's your friend. Come on, Jim.

Hi, this is Jim. I'm not here right now. Please leave a message. Sounds like he blocked you, Dre.

When you've finished recording, you may hang up or press 1 for more options. Okay, I gotta go out. Hey Jim, it's Jason Nash calling. My podcast partner here says that I don't know you, but we do know each other and he wants— he thinks I'm full of shit, but I do know you and I'll call back.

That's not what I said. I said ask him if he's your friend.

Are we friends? Yeah, are we friends? Call me back.

Do you consider Jason a friend? If someone was like, hey, Jim, list your friends, would you say Jason Nash?

Well, no, he wouldn't say he's my friend, but please call us back.

At least send us a text.

Yeah, call us. I know there's a pandemic.

Don't worry, I'll make sure Jason deletes your number right after this.

Bye. Oh man, I hate— he's gonna call back and be like, uh, hi, uh, where did you get this number? I know what he'll do. Anyway, yeah, I'm friends with big comedians.

That is cool, man, that you knew so many comedians.

No, it's not. There's nothing cool about it. I mean, they don't talk to me now. You know what I mean? Yeah, I saw a guy yesterday. I was down at the store and he lives around here and he was like my friend and he was like just this like sketch comedian and now he's like directing like fucking huge movies, right, with like Andrew Garfield and like I was like, I couldn't believe it. I was like, good for you, man. I wanted to—

do you remember you?

Oh yeah, yeah, we see each other because he lives around here. And I wanted to say to him, do you ever have a conversation with somebody and then afterwards you think of what you should have said? Yeah, all the time. I should have said that to him. I should have been like, wow, man, I can't believe you used to like put a wig on and like be goofy and be like do dumb sketches, and now you're like directing like Oscar-worthy films. That's what I wanted to say.

Oh, I had that moment with Natalie when she took me to the dance.

Yeah. What did you want to say to her?

I wanted to say how pretty she looked in her dress. Oh, this is the time when I liked her and I had like a really big internal battle in my head, like how I was going to tell her the next day. I was like, okay, I'm going to sit next to her on the bus.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

I haven't heard the extended version of the story.

Well, that's kind of all I got is like, I think it's okay.

You can keep going.

It's like 2 days of me going because she's just next to me on the bus. She's probably going to sit window seat.

Did you ever say anything?

No, I never said anything.

Why not?

I don't think she— I don't think she rode the bus.

Who's your friend? Wolfie Sydney, right? I actually—

I want to bring this up, too. It's really funny. So I have a friend named Cindy. Her Instagram handle is Wolfie Cindy. I don't know if it still is. It is, right? Yeah, it definitely is.

Yes. Why is it Wolfie Cindy?

First of all, she's like a beautiful model, like very, very, very, very pretty girl. And her name's Wolfie Cindy, I think. I don't want to get this wrong. But it's because she was a fan of Twilight and she was a fan of like the Wolverines, like Taylor Lautner and all them.

Wow.

So she, she made her name Wolfie Cindy and it just kind of stuck.

Wow. And she still has it that way.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is Garfield Jason.

This is Garfield Jason.

I was just— I was a fan of the comic strip Garfield since a boy.

Just something. Yeah, really.

Instagram handle.

I am Iron Man Dave.

What are you into, Natalie? What would your nickname be?

I'm the— fuck, I fucked it up.

Goddamn. You just said—

I said, hi, I love being a bitch, Natalie.

Bitchy Natalie.

Do people ever call you Natty Light?

Yeah, I was Natty Light for Halloween one time. Like the can. I dressed up as the—

but that wasn't your nickname.

No, no, no.

How do you make a can?

Now, what are some nicknames you've had?

Nat.

Wow. Welcome back to the podcast, guys.

Hey, Nat. I use that one a lot. Nat.

Lena.

Someone's called you Lena?

Yeah.

Why?

Oh, Natalina. Oh, that's pretty good.

Natalina.

Yeah. Oh, Lena.

Oh, I like Lena.

I don't.

I don't like Lena either.

I like Natalina. Natalina.

And then I can't say my name anymore without singing.

Yeah.

Natalina.

My name used to be Crazy Davey.

Yeah. Crazy.

And Candleman. I had a nickname Candleman when I played tennis.

Why?

Because you were so lit?

No, there was no reason. Lit wasn't a word back then, right? So I don't know what it was.

You were on fire?

I don't know. I had no idea what it was. It was just my friend called me Candleman.

That stuff doesn't happen anymore.

Just no one would come in here and give you a nickname and everybody would go, yeah, you know, that's such a high school thing. Oh yeah, I think it's great.

Oh, I thought you were saying like it doesn't happen in high schools anymore.

Anymore. No, no, it just wouldn't happen around here. Like, Zane wouldn't just walk in here and be like, you know what, man, I'm tired of calling you David, you need to need a new name. Yeah, you're Crazy Hair Man. Whoa, Crazy Hair, I like it. His hair is crazy.

I love how— I love how we're saying that you can't give nicknames to people when we literally changed our friend's name from Nick to Jonah because he looks like Jonah Hill. I think it still happens.

That's pretty weird, actually. I wonder. I wonder if that caused any psychological damage on Jonah.

I mean, it is kind of crazy. It fits him so well.

Yeah, Jonah so well. Nick is like, Nick, Nick. He's not a Nick at all.

We'll say Nick. Like, I'll be like, like a brand will reach out, but we want to also work with Nick. I'll be like, I don't know.

And then, yeah, who's Nick?

And I'll be like, what are you saying? Oh, Jonah. Yeah. You want to work with Jonah? Yeah. I love Jonah. I think it's such a good name.

Yeah, it's really—

I think he likes it too. I guess the best is— the best is introducing him to people because I'm always like, hi, I'm David. This is my friend Jonah. He goes, hi, I'm Nick. And it's so confusing. I don't know. I feel like he kind of does like the name Jonah at this point.

I think he does too. Like, if you had given me a nickname and let's say you called me like Trashbag or whatever, I'd be like, yeah, I'd like— I'd like it no matter what it was.

Yeah.

You know what I mean? Because it would just be specific to you guys, right? Right. I used to have these thoughts, like, when I would leave here, you know, and I— it gets to be like 10:30 and I'm like, I'm going to go. And then you're like, no, stay, stay, stay, Jay. We're hanging out. Yeah, right. And but I was like, but I'm too tired. And I would always think when I left that after I leave, I— all you guys have sex with each other. And I'd be in my car driving home like, and like, Natalie's like looking out the shade like, okay, he's gone. All right, everybody take off their clothes.

Wait, deadass?

I mean, yeah, I think about a lot of stuff. I had that thought, sure. I was like, oh, I wonder, I wonder if they all like sleep with each other once I leave.

When— why would it be once you leave? Like, why?

Obviously, I just don't— I know I wouldn't be invited to something like that, nor would I probably be comfortable doing something like that or want to participate in something like that. So then I thought, oh man, if you want to be invited—

it sounds like, you know, I don't want to be invited at all.

I, I'm just wondering if you guys all sleep with each other? That's it. That's a simple question.

I go, sounds like you want to be invited. And you go, wait, so there is sex parties? So, so you guys are having sex?

You guys have orgies? Vlog Squad orgies?

No, I have— we've never had— we've never had sex with each other. No, no.

You've never watched Jeff and Scott shower?

I think Todd has said that too a couple times. Todd was like, yeah, do you and Natalie have sex? And, uh, we don't. Jealous.

I mean, even as you say that right now, I don't— I don't know if it's true or not.

It is kind of crazy how no one would ever know if Natalie and I have sex. Yeah, no one would know. No one.

We're trying to say, baby, unless someone knew.

What do you mean? Nothing. What do you— what do you mean?

I know nothing.

One time, unless someone put a camera in one person that's a room.

One time we were here and, and, uh, and Jonas said something that he's like, I know you guys bang, I know you guys bang. And I was like, I remember this. I was like, huh? I was like, hmm, I never thought about that. I know you guys bang because I don't think about that stuff.

That is interesting.

I wouldn't care if you did.

I want to talk about this. Um, I find this really interesting if you're like into the digital world at all. Um, I'm on this thing called the Community app. And basically, um, it's a phone, it's a phone number that they, that they assigned to me. And it's my phone number is 847-250-9391. And you can text me and, um, and it doesn't go to my phone, like I'm not getting fucking texts all day, but I have access to all the texts, which is really great because, um, we just used it to like surprise people with things. Um, so like what's so good about it is Right now we have a little over, you know, 200,000 people added that have our phone number. And I can see— I can use the app and I can text everybody back. I can text everybody back at once, or I can text just the guys back, or just the girls. I can text back only the people that live in San Jose. I can text only the people that live in the— in North America.

And I could like birthdays.

Yeah. And like, I could— like, if it's like, I can I can single out the people that have a birthday. So like, let's say 7,000 people have a birthday today. I can send all of them a message that says happy birthday. So just those 7,000 people get it. And now, and now we're going to be using it like when quarantine is over, because like when we go to different cities, yeah, it's so great because when I'm like, hey, I'm in Boston, come see our live show, instead of me making an Instagram story that doesn't apply to the majority of people watching, right? I can literally send a text just to Boston. And be like, hey, here are tickets to my show.

That's so sick.

And then I don't even have to put out like an Instagram anymore, right? So yeah. So we want to do more surprises, guys. Text me so I have your number. I'm not just plugging this because I— I'm— because I'm being paid to— because I'm not being paid. I genuinely think it's great. And my number is 847-250-9391. Once you text me, I'll be able to text you guys if I'm ever in your city and I'm surprising people with stuff or whatever it is.

Ideas are funny, huh? What do you mean ideas are funny? Because I remember when that idea was floated to you and you were like, I don't know, right? But then, but then what won you over was the fact that you have this database of people that really like you and that want to hear from you, right? And that makes it good.

The people that run the app, I just had a phone call with him.

Yeah.

And he told me that an artist sold out all of his tour dates.

Yeah.

Without sending a single tweet, single Instagram, nothing. It was all done through text.

Yeah.

It's crazy.

It's incredible. You didn't have to send out a single Instagram post. All you had to do was text because those are his most dedicated supporters, right? And they're like, great, we got the text, we're coming. And sold out every fucking city. Crazy. All right, guys. Well, that's all the time we have for today's podcast. Thank you guys for doing this. Jason, thanks for being a part of it.

Thanks for having me.

You're always a friend of the show. We'd love to have you back.

You have me swing by and drop in on your podcast.

Yeah, man. Thanks for coming.

Thanks for keeping me on the periphery.

And we'll see you guys around.

All right then.

My name's Jeff.

Bye.