Picking My Friend Up From Jail

What's up guys, welcome back to Views. It is the Christmas special. Special guest Natalie and Jason is actually still here for the Christmas episode.

Merry Christmas everybody, we hope you're having a wonderful time and hope you got all your gifts and all your stuff together.

Jason wanted to record this episode because, well, first off, Natalie wanted to tell me what she wants for Christmas. Do you— are you expecting something from me? Of course.

Really?

You're not gonna get me something for Christmas?

No.

What? I paid for that dinner for your birthday.

We're family, bro.

That was December 1st. That counts.

$6,700.

Thank you for remembering how much it was.

It's a lot of money for a dinner.

It's disgusting.

Wouldn't you rather have a gift?

Was it actually $6,700 or are you making a 6-7 joke?

No, no, it really was. I remember.

No, I think that there—

I think it was like $5,000. I don't think she's just making jokes.

I think they reimbursed you, so it's just the flat, like, minimum.

Okay, so what do you want for Christmas?

Not that we need to argue about it. I want my boyfriend. I told you that.

You want me, don't you?

Yeah, that's what I want.

If I—

if you want you wrapped up in a bit, I'm celebrating Christmas in Carlsbad.

You're celebrating in Illinois. If I surprise you Christmas morning, I was under the tree with just a little bow over my penis.

I love that.

What would your reaction be?

So grateful.

Really?

Yeah.

Would you want me rock hard or soft?

I think soft, because obviously the whole thing is a joke in general, so I wouldn't want you to be hard because that'd be creepy.

Are you under the tree and like your legs are just coming out? So you can just see your legs and your penis.

And like the tree looks like my penis.

Yeah. Yeah. So it's just legs, really.

And then I'm laying down like I'm posing for a magazine. Oh, and there's like just like a little bow over my penis.

No shirt, no shirt on, nothing.

No.

What?

What family members would see me?

I just want to make sure if I'm going to do a surprise for you.

It would be Homero.

Homero, you're still like that?

Your two sisters?

My dad, probably the first one to see you because he's the first one that wakes up.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, maybe I'll have him help me. Position the bow.

Oh yeah, you would love it.

It's right.

He'd love for you to be under the Christmas tree.

If I called your dad and was like, I have this idea, it's completely serious. I want to surprise Natalie naked under the Christmas tree.

Oh yeah, he'd be down.

Of course. No, actually, what do you think he'd say?

David, he'd like laugh, like try to laugh it off, and he'd be like, are you serious? Okay, are you serious?

Wrap your penis?

What?

All right, do you need help?

Or you think he'd be down?

Yeah, of course. He'll do anything for you.

Wow, that's really sweet.

Yeah, we have a lot of good parents that way.

What do you mean we have a lot of good parents?

Well, I feel like there's a lot of good people out there that like would go the extra mile for you, right?

Oh, are you talking about like everybody's parents?

Yeah. Oh yeah, but there was somebody else's parent that was really cool.

Ask me what I want for Christmas.

What do you want for Christmas, David?

Um, I just want to be left alone.

Really? Yeah, it's like a day off. Nobody texting you, nobody calling you, just in bed by yourself. No one's at the house. Would you really enjoy that? I don't think so.

No, it actually worries me how much you don't love hanging out with me every second as much as I love hanging out with all of you guys.

Oh, please.

What?

You're so twisted and evil.

It's like, how can we explain it?

Why?

Did I just say something manipulative?

Yeah, but like, it's not like I'm like, hey, I want to go bowling tonight, you're gonna come hang out with me, right? It's like, okay, we're gonna come to your house.

You said that, we'd definitely go bowling.

I've suggested bowling actually several times and nobody has wanted to go this entire fucking holiday season.

Oh, oh, is group decision to not go? Because I would never, like, I'd never shoot down bowling for the group.

Or like, if we're gonna watch a movie at your house, it's like you're the one picking it.

Like, nobody else gets to say, because I've seen the most movies, I have the most experience. No, I have an excuse for everything.

And like, if we're ordering food, it's like, well, what's David hungry for?

Do you want a burger?

You just ordered a fucking shrimp toast avocado. That's disgusting. You definitely have freedom to order whatever you want.

It is. Does everything need to be on your terms?

No, it's—

you never come and hang out with me at my house.

I can't fit. There's no room to breathe. I'm suffocating in there, Natalie. Please.

If Natalie had a terminal illness, would you go to her house and watch a movie?

If Natalie's mom had a terminal illness—

my mom.

Hang on.

Sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

I know you want Jen dead, but just stop. Knock on wood. We love—

no, I love Jen. Can we stop with those jokes?

Oh, shut up. You're such a weirdo.

But I have to balance out the fact that I just said—

I thought it was interesting you said Don't you want to spend it? I don't think it's manipulative. I think he really does like spending every second with you.

Yeah, I don't know why she reacted like that. Like, I'm just like, but you're right, it is on his terms. It is on my terms.

I get that.

We're just doing everything David wants to do, which is fine. Like, we're having a great time.

Well, he writes the checks.

Yeah, for sure.

Unfortunately, David wants to do the coolest things ever.

Well, like watch Cheaper by the Dozen 2.

It's a classic. Way better than the first.

Do you not actually like—

because they're on the lake.

It was good, but I just don't like how, like, when I'm with you hanging out, it's kind of hard. Like, there's not really a boundary there, and you will ask me to do work, you know? Like, I will have to— I'm still working. Like, I still have to do— like, I still have obligations. And if I'm—

oh, so that's why you like your, your break?

Yeah, that's why I need a break.

Uh, okay, that makes sense.

Who has it the best out of all your friends?

That's actually really—

Natalie, Ilya, Alex, or John, or me?

It depends how much they worry about their future. Okay, right.

So like, what is that? What does that mean? What is that? How does that—

you kind of know what I mean because I kind of don't know what I mean either, you know what I'm saying? Like, currently, right now, I think Alex has it the best because he's just learning to be a DJ. He's just like kind of DJing.

He's just chilling.

Not kind of, he's DJing, but he's chilling and he's like, you know, he doesn't have responsibilities. Yeah, he's using the sauna in the middle of the day, but John now has a job.

Right.

Yeah, that's working for me.

Okay, so like Natalie obviously probably makes the most, making money.

Yeah, but I think Alex has the best setup, like fun room, fun vibe.

I think I have the best setup. Really? I think my setup is really good.

Really?

I think I'm really blessed.

What's your setup?

I do the podcast twice a week and then I, I edit it. It takes me a couple hours. It's a total of like 10 hours of work.

Yeah, but then we make you do like 14 hours of makeup and—

That's true, that's true. But I liked— I like doing that. And I know that is true.

When you were in the Squidward makeup, yeah, one of the comments was, poor Jason, when will David let him go? That was a gun to your head for the Squidward.

It is crazy, you've transformed like a lot recently. I feel like you've done like 3 or 4.

I love transforming Jason.

I know, you're the best.

It's really sad though. When like, when it doesn't work, when it doesn't work and Jason's in the makeup and you could just hear the life leaving him, like especially with Squidward, because Squidward, we couldn't get any jokes and Jason's never seen SpongeBob.

Yeah.

So that didn't really help.

And I got paid to do it.

We were doing like a promo for SpongeBob too. And Jason was like, I was like, Jay, talk about like, like Squidward, let's plug the movie, but have Squidward complain about it. Like the laughter is too much, blah, blah, blah. Complain about it. And Jason goes, "That darn SpongeBob, always stealing my spotlight." And I'm like, "Okay, wait, have you never seen SpongeBob?" He's like, "No, I've never seen SpongeBob." I'm like, "You just sat through 4 hours of makeup to be Squidward and you've never seen an episode?" Yeah, that was a mistake. That's really funny. You kind of did a good job.

Yeah, it was good.

The vibes were good. Wait, what was I going to say? I was going to say something.

How do you think your Christmas morning is going right now? Like, what are you doing right now?

Oh, I'm having the best time. I love— Christmas. I love Christmas morning. I just had my entire family over for Christmas Eve dinner. It's the best. We play games, we drink wine, it's amazing. We dance and sing, and then we wake up in the morning.

What if there's a bomb that went off in your house and you have no idea and you're talking about it?

And then I died?

Oh, you know what I mean?

Oh, right. This is like—

this is the Christmas episode, but we're recording it 3 days before Christmas, and Natalie just spoke in the tense as if everything already happened, right? But what if that's not what happened?

Who would put a bomb in her house?

I don't know.

They'd go after you. They wouldn't go after her.

Jen.

Oh, that's true. Jen's got a pass. Jen's not gonna be there.

And yeah, that doesn't— that doesn't—

no, Jen's in LA.

Yeah, that's what she wants. That's her alibi.

Do you think your mom—

I was in the RV, explosives in the living room under the tree, right by my penis while I'm soft, exploding.

Oh shit, you're in there too.

Yes, exactly.

Just revealed your cock to the entire family.

Jen plants the bomb on Natalie's other side of the family under the tree. She notices I am there, she gets like a little extra laugh, and she's like, uh, 2 in 1, and then leaves on her fucking broomstick, flies away.

And then after you guys are blown up and you and Natalie are dying on Christmas morning, your last words— Natalie leans over and she goes, hey, that's not the only bomb. And she lifts her right leg and she goes— and that's the last thing you hear, and then you die.

Oh, okay, so that's like, that's like when we're getting out of energy.

Yeah.

Oh, oh, I thought she'd like do that in heaven.

Okay, maybe we could, we could, we do a rewrite, put it towards heaven.

You think you're going to go to heaven, Nat? Cuz I like— it's pretty obvious you're going to hell, but do you think that there's a chance?

I don't like how you paint me out to be like some like evil woman.

Like, evil woman, evil woman.

That's my theme song.

That's a funny theme song. No, I'm kidding. Obviously I'm kidding. You get weirdly defensive about it, which makes me think maybe you are.

Because, because I like— people like actually comment that and like it hurts me. People think I'm mean.

She really cut to it there.

I mean, not that it's solely your fault, but I am a bitch.

What do they say about you? What's something you've read that hurt your feelings?

Um, gosh, I don't know. Well, like that I fell off or something. I don't know.

Oh yeah, you fell off.

Actually, no, I actually get the reverse. A lot of people actually like hype me up now. They're like, oh my God, she's gotten more beautiful. How crazy.

Yeah, right now, just right back. Well, you never got on.

Yeah, where the fuck are you?

That was my greatest comeback of all time. I was on TikTok Live, it was me and Batch, and this fucking like really fucking hotshot TikTok livestreamer gets on and he's like, well, well, well, look who it is, two guys that fell off. And then I go, and one that never got on.

That's pretty good. What did he say?

He went, ah damn, he goes, fuck, that was good.

That's really funny.

Yeah.

I love when humans can roast each other and just have fun.

Yeah, I love when I have the joke ready. Lots of times I don't. Lots of times I just take it. I go, oh no, okay.

Yeah, it is quite often you're just kind of—

it is quite often. I don't feel like rebuttaling, and I don't have anything to say. Like, the other thing is too, is like, there's certain people that like, I don't want to go there. I don't want to like say the mean thing. I have a problem like going too far. And then like people are like, Jason, why'd you say that? Yeah, it's the worst.

I have friends like that.

Yeah, mine turns out mean because I'm so attractive.

What?

Oh, are you talking about evil?

Hey, I watched Chappelle's special.

Dave Chappelle's special?

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah, it's good. I thought it was great, but it's the best joke.

Oh man, I heard Louis CK say something that was funny.

What did he say?

He said, I'm so old I may have to get circumcised twice.

Oh, that's really good. That's really good. Do you get it?

Yeah.

He's like, penis is so droopy. Yeah.

Yeah, that's awesome.

And then you don't have penis.

That's awesome. Now you want to hear more penis jokes?

I do love penis.

And if you could re-up as a girl or a boy in your next life, what are you going to do?

No, I like me. I like who I am.

You like girl?

Yeah, I think so.

Yeah, but you'd be able to start fresh.

Yeah, but like being a man is like, really? Yeah, men are so gross. Like being a woman is like beautiful.

Uh, Nelly, have you— be nicer, Dave, it's Christmas.

Remember when today she looked exactly like Meg from Family Guy because she had that parka on?

Oh yeah, she is very Meg from Family Guy. Yeah, Nelly has a lot of moods. She's kind of like a dog.

Yeah, sometimes she looks really beautiful, sometimes she's grouchy.

Yeah, sometimes cute.

She's got it all.

Sometimes she's pooping in the wrong place. No, I'm not creating a scent in the room.

Stop saying that. That's the other thing I get. People think I like shit myself. They send me that in the DMs. You're probably shitting yourself right now.

I'm not.

That's the hate comment that Nelly hates the most. What's up, diarrhea girl? Actually though, hey, did you hear that, um, I cut you off about the Chappelle special too.

No, I don't have anything to say about it. It's great. Oh yeah, quilt. That was someone commented, wait, so they played December 19th Wordle?

So guys, the other day we talked about Wordle, and as one of the tiebreakers for Wordle, Julia made up her own word— not made up, but decided her own word for us to do the Wordle on, and the word was quilt. We talked about it on the pod, and then 3 days after the pod went up Yeah, the fucking— the word, the official word for Wordle was quilt. And everyone was DMing me like crazy, like, you won't fucking believe what just happened. Um, and people are like, I wonder if someone from the New York Times listens to the pod, and all these questions. So I want to have a little challenge here for the New York Times.

There's no way.

Okay, they're listening.

The word was probably decided the entire year out.

Yeah, that's what I would think.

Yeah, every day. And also, there's only so many 5-letter words, and quilt's like a pretty fun word.

There's a lot of 5-letter words, I feel.

Wordle editor Tracy Bennett. Maybe I should just DM her. I was gonna give another word suggestion, but it's kinda hard to decide words that they haven't used.

I don't think she's taking suggestions. I think they take Wordle really seriously, and they take themselves really seriously. You ever talking to somebody, and you wanna get out of the conversation so bad, and then you just laugh really hard? You're like, "Ahahaha, right!" Oh, wait a minute. Now you're doing it to me.

Fuck.

Damn. I guess you do do that. Want to get out of this conversation?

J, J, J. Who else is around here?

That was good. That was really good. That should just be the podcast. Did you hear the girl's story that she was with Diddy the night before he got arrested?

No, I didn't.

I heard you guys talking about this.

I thought she was kidding.

Wait, she was with him the night he got arrested?

Yeah, she was just like hanging out. She was with one of his sons.

She was at a Diddy party?

No, not really, but she was with him. She was with one of his sons, and she was like, they were like, oh, we're gonna go back to my dad's place. So she goes back, and a bunch of strippers there. The strippers are like, hey girl, how much you getting paid? And she's like, I'm not getting paid, I'm just trying to have fun. And, um, and then the next day, then she eventually, she met Diddy, and she wanted to leave because she wanted a sandwich. She was really hungry.

This is a real story?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah. And she tells it like a lot, like a little bit more scared than I'm telling it. Like looking back, she's like, I don't know what could have happened, right? Because if you watch the documentary, they find like all the baby oil in the hotel. And right before she was there, like the documentary shows Diddy in that hotel. She was in that hotel right before he gets arrested.

Oh wow.

That's what's so interesting about the documentary is that he's filming a documentary days before he's arrested. So when he gets arrested, he doesn't pay the guy. So the guy just sells the footage to 50, and that's what you're watching. You're watching 50's doc and Diddy's doc together. That's what the doc is so interesting.

Wait, what doc was Diddy filming?

His own. He was making his own, like, Diddy doc about getting arrested and going to jail. And who knows? He's just filming. He's filming just like we would be filming.

Wow.

Except he's about to be arrested.

Okay, so what was her story with being at his party? It was just the fact that she left because she needed a sandwich?

Yeah, no, she went back and she's like, when I get drunk, I get really hungry. She's like, all I want to do is eat. So we went back to this hotel. She's like, and I remember going back to the hotel and being like, why is the FBI across the way? Like, why is the FBI occupying the next building over and looking in at our hotel room? And they were like, oh, she could see it. Yeah, like, and that you can see it in the doc too.

The FBI is staked out there watching him, just like waiting for the moment to arrest him. Yeah, why were they waiting for so long? Why didn't they arrest him?

Like, maybe they needed the warrant from the judge or whatever it took to— for the DA to get clearance to go arrest him.

And she was partying there while that was happening?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's fucking madness.

I don't know. So, yeah, so that was what happened. And anyways, free Diddy.

That's fucking crazy.

Okay, that's a good story, guys.

To continue the podcast, I have my, my forever friends here, Taylor and Alex.

Jason is off doing his Christmas things. We're giving him a break. But don't worry, because I'm turning it up with these two, the only two people on Christmas. We're recording this on Christmas Day, by the way. So you're getting this podcast Christmas Day and we're recording it Christmas. It's basically like you're at a live show.

So Jason's going to be editing it on Christmas Day.

Jason will be editing this. Well, no, I want to do this in one go. So no editing. We just give it to him as like a Christmas gift, like packaged. So don't say anything racist, Taylor, because we can't be cutting things out.

Okay, I'll be careful.

Okay. Taylor's here. Taylor, I've known for about 3 years now.

Oh my gosh, I'm just kidding.

She gets so offended. Taylor hates when I challenge our friendship, right?

Yeah, well, because I just— I don't think you actually, you know, remember that it's been almost 8 years.

We were at the bank the other day, and like, it was like a pretty like stressful environment because there was this guy right next to us that like pulled up at the bank and was like, hey, I was here earlier and two fucking idiots served me here and they're complete idiots and they shouldn't be working here. I don't care if it's their first day. And then I turned to Tay and I was like, Tay, like, would you— could you work here? Like, and be part of this, like, ecosystem? And like, you could just set— you could just see, like, how uncomfortable it makes Tay when I— when I ask her if she could work other jobs. For some reason, she's like a little kid when I ask her questions like that because it makes her think I'm like giving her up for adoption.

But you kind of do it all the time.

Well, now I do it all the time, but when I initially would do it and I was like, Tay, like, how do you feel about maybe not working for like a couple weeks? She would like go into like a serious panic.

I just love working.

No, what is it? Why do you— why can you not, um— what happens if I, if I just decide I want to go my separate way and move to Jamaica?

Then I'll support you.

And you'd leave me?

You would come with?

No, and then I could have to move to Jamaica.

Oh, you'd support me by moving to Jamaica?

Yeah. No, I just—

Is there a place you wouldn't follow? Now that you have a cat, I feel like—

Oh my gosh. Yeah. Don't even get me started.

I feel like maybe it's a little tougher, but we are at the— anyway, we were at the bank and I had to get money out because I was getting like a Christmas gift and I never go to the bank, but there was nobody here. So I was doing, you know, Natalie's duties and Brooke's duties. I was going to the bank to get a cashier's check and I've never even been to this bank. I don't even know who I bank with. I don't know my passwords. I don't know anything.

It's crazy.

This is my first time at this specific bank.

And mind you, they didn't believe that David was actually David because he doesn't know any of this information.

They were like, do you have a driver's license? I'm like, I don't carry a driver's license.

You don't have—

I don't have a credit card.

Oh my God.

All I have is a passport. I do seem like a stranger walking.

Don't I look like a David Dover?

Come on.

But luckily, the 3 kids that worked there all knew who I was. And the woman's like, listen, I understand they know who you are, whatever. 'Um, but there's a password on your account. Like, this isn't— this isn't—

this isn't normal.' Like, they can't get in without it?

No, they know the password.

They're like, you're like looking at it.

They're like, 'You verbally have to tell us your password or we can't give you the money.' Like, because my account has multiple restrictions on it set by my accountant and stuff like that. And I'm like, 'I have no idea what the password is.' Like, I don't know the password again to any of my logins anywhere. And then the banker— the bank— so the woman's like working at the computer, and then the teller behind The woman starts going like, starts mouthing things and like starts like doing like this like airplane signal. And he's like pretending he's an airplane.

And I'm like, what?

And the woman like doesn't really notice me.

And he's like airplane. And he keeps making like these sounds. And then he's like charading me my password 'cause he's looking at it. And then I'm like, okay, obviously it's not this, but it was very close to this. But I'm like, okay, I'm like, try Airplane Pickle. And Taylor's looking through all our passwords on this note sheet we brought in. And Taylor's like, Airplane Pickle's not on here. Where would you get that from? And I'm like, it's there, Taylor, look. And the bank teller's looking at Taylor. I'm like, Taylor, shut up. I'm trying to kick, step on her toe.

I'm like, I don't see it. I don't see it.

She's like, where did you pull that out of?

I don't see it.

But Airplane Pickle's password I used like a really long time ago, or very similar to that. And then I got into my bank account thanks to— it was like kind of like a heist, honestly.

Yeah, that's crazy.

But the guy, I've met the guy before, like, you know, he was doing me a favor and it was my money. I wasn't stealing. But Taylor's here. I've known her for 8 years.

Thank you.

And Alex is here. I've known him for the longest time too. When did I meet you?

Uh, when we were like 12.

That's crazy. I think I've known Alex the longest out of all.

Yeah, I mean, I'm like double Taylor. She's got nothing.

How did you feel like— because we were best friends when we were 12, right? And then we kind of tapered off when Ilya came in.

How did Ilya come in?

Yeah, did you feel— was there some sort of like during high school when Ilya came in? Yeah, were you like, were you like, fuck, Dave and Ella are getting really close.

No, no, because I, I had— we had our alone time, right? And then—

wait, wait, what do you mean?

What do you mean?

Like, you would go hang out with the cool kids in Ilya.

I would not hang out with the cool kids in Ilya.

Why, dude?

Why do you say that?

Who would I hang out with?

The cool—

like, like Ryan Opitz.

Um, oh yeah, but who were the cool kids at your school?

Like, were they the football players?

Roy.

Damn. I have this—

like Pierce. I have this superpower.

A little stoner period with the cool kids.

I have the superpower where I can tell if a person's hot or not based on their name. So Taylor, give me somebody from your school.

Uh-huh.

Like, give me a girl's name.

Okay.

And don't tell me if she's hot or not, and I will tell you if it was a hot girl based on her name. Okay, go ahead.

Macy Julinski.

Yeah, now that's really tough, but I'm obviously leaning towards hot.

Yes, she was.

See, it's incredible.

Now give me another name.

Oh, actually, this isn't fair because you're not going to call out somebody that's not hot because that'd be kind of rude.

Right.

Staley.

Staley.

Staley.

Staley.

Ugly.

Yes. No, but that just reminded me of like—

Taylor Hudson.

Ugly.

Yo, you know what was crazy? That we used to do gym.

Yes.

Without changing.

With—

what were you gonna say?

Wait, what do you—

well, without showering. No, we change into the clothes that we sweat in for 5 days before.

Oh, that's crazy too.

Yeah, and then we don't shower.

There used to be a time where there was PE, like in elementary school, where you just go and you just do activities in your clothes.

Was there?

Yes.

Oh, like elementary school?

Because I remember someone saying that was weird because going into middle school I was terrified because I was like fuck, like, I'm gonna have to change in front of people.

And I was always uncomfortable about my body, and I was like, oh my god, like, I can't fucking— I can't—

I can't change in front of people.

I can't have people see my nipples. Like, I can't do it. But then there's this guy who made it really comfortable. Remember Austin? Austin, the guy who'd pee in the urinal with his— with his, like, pants down? No, no, with his pants down to his ankles.

Oh yeah.

Yes. So this is Ken Argrade, who would pee with his pants down all the way to his ankles and full butt. Everything was out. And it very much made me a lot more comfortable, to be honest, to see him like assless, like with his ass out and everything.

It gave me the confidence to change in gym class.

But yeah, that is kind of crazy that we would just get fucking sweaty as dick. So weird and so sweaty. Gym class wasn't like you didn't— you didn't opt out of gym class activities, right? Like everyone participated in it. Yeah, and gave it their 100%.

I mean, if you like sports, yeah.

Yeah, but it wasn't like, um, how do I say it, like it was cool to participate. It wasn't like frowned— like, like all the cool kids, all the athletic kids, yeah, would try really hard. Therefore you'd actually come back drenched and then you would like put on your shirt and you'd go back to school. And I remember one of our art teachers was always like, none of you are wearing fucking deodorant. She wouldn't swear, but like she'd be like, none of you guys are wearing deodorant, you guys smell disgusting. She'd say it literally really every time. Do you remember her?

It's Ring?

Uh, I think so. Was that the one that was allergic to perfume? No, that was a different one because that wouldn't make sense. But she was like, none of you would wear deodorant. And at the time I wasn't wearing deodorant because, like, I don't know if it's because I'm from Slovakia, but like I was a late bloomer to everything. And like my parents didn't really like— didn't buy me deodorant. They also— my mom for a long time like made working out seem like it was a thing for like 30-year-olds. So like when people started working out in school, it was like the same reaction I had when I found out kids were masturbating. I was like, wait, you guys are doing this this early? It was really weird. So like, so like I didn't get to deodorant till I was like probably 16 and I didn't get to masturbating till I was like quite recently. And then working out took me till 28. But, uh, but yeah, so maybe you'll start carrying your ID when you're 40. Yeah, exactly. So I'm a really late bloomer just because I'm from a third world country or a different country. Um, but, uh, but yeah, so we would go back sweaty and yeah. Okay, so you weren't offended that, uh, Ilya was slowly moving up in the ranks?

No, no, no. I knew there's still like, you know, a special, special bond.

It's crazy. Yeah, I saw a meme the other day that's like, that's like friend, like guy friends, especially. You can like attest to this. Like guy friends cannot text for like months and then they can, they flip a switch right when they're back. I don't think girls do that.

No, I think it depends.

I recently just had a gathering with my high school friends and I do think that that stands for like guys are way more laid back. When it comes to like, we don't have to talk every day. But girls, I think it's like, there's some that, you know, you have to keep in touch with, and then there's some like, I haven't seen the girls that I was just with, we barely talk, but every time we're together, it's like it was, we're back in high school.

Really?

Yeah.

Hmm, I don't know about that. I think guys are better.

I definitely agree.

No, no, no, I actually could kind of see it anyway.

High school's, I feel like with Tayshia's good.

No, but no, not only that, but I feel high school is a rare exception. I think like—

oh, that's true.

Like, I think everybody in high school—

like, are you just like reminiscing the whole time?

But we also like have kept up here and there. Like, we got— we went to like colleges that way.

This was nostalgia bait, brother.

Yeah, but I, I feel like— so when I first met you guys and understood your high school friendships, I related so much to like my own because I loved high school. My high school friends were like what raised me in a sense. But I feel like a lot of people don't have that. Like, I know certain people that we became friends with after high school that weren't our friends in high school.

Hey, remember when you moved to LA and you—

I didn't have friends, but yeah, I always think about that.

It made me so sad.

Really?

So sad. I think about it, like, I'm not even kidding, I think about it once a month.

I know, because you always bring it up.

But you had no friends. I thought Tay knows people in like—

No, there was like a moment in LA where she was like she was like teetering between friends and she didn't have like a connection between anybody.

And it was really like close.

Yeah. Like I felt like I was Tay's only friend.

Yeah.

And she didn't have like all her girlfriends and everything. And it was really sad.

It was before, like, I met everyone here.

It was before McClain. Oh, wow. Yeah. And like, and like, she was like, she was like verbal about it where it was like triple sad. So like, so like I think about it a lot, like a lot. And then now I think about how many friends she has now and like she's too many. Yeah, she's too many. She's basically like a Siamese twin to McClain too. Like they're literally lesbian lovers. Like it's fucking insane. Um, so it's, she's made a serious pivot. So I'm proud of you, Tay.

Oh, thank you. Just took a little bit of time.

Just, yeah. What advice do you have for people that are struggling to find friends in new cities?

Just keep putting yourself out there and it'll come to you.

Where did you meet your best friend now?

My best friend, McClain.

Yeah.

I actually, it's really scary because I think at my high school reunion the other day, our little meetup, I talked about McClain for like an hour and they were like, wow, she sounds great. I texted McClain the next day and I was like, oh my God.

I met the most wonderful best friend.

That was literally me.

Oh, you know what Alex told me the other day? That I bailed him out of jail.

Did we talk about it here?

What?

I bailed you out of jail.

I picked you up from jail.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's crazy.

You have a really good memory. I'm shocked you remember that.

I have a really bad memory. Like really bad memory.

Like an incredibly, incredibly terrible memory.

When you're arguing with Natalie, you seem to think you have 100% correctness.

Well, I remember things with Natalie, but like what? What do I remember?

You remember random things, but then you forget other— I don't know. I think it's just like if something there's something in your brain where like you remember certain things, like even going back to like memories in high school, like you remember very specific things, but then some, some things just go over your head. Like you, it was never like really specific, but like completely meaningless.

I'll meet a girl right now, like I'll hang out with a girl once, twice, 3 times, whatever, and like you won't remember. And my mom, my mom, my memory will just be wiped clean. Like, I'm telling you, like clean. Like where it's like, where it's like, are there so many? No, it's like I'm just like so bad at it. I don't, I don't have a memory. I don't know what it is.

I think something's happened to me recently that's like, just like, no, that's why I have to remind you that we've known each other for so long because sometimes they actually do think you're like, oh, it's been like 3 years.

I think my storage is full because of high school.

I genuinely think I have to like upgrade to 2 terabytes.

I think something going on. I think, I think, I think I hold so many good memories.

I think I hold so many high school memories. Okay, sorry, what were you saying?

Um, I bailed you out. Yeah, I didn't bail you, I picked you up from jail, and I don't remember this at all.

Yeah, when I was like, I don't know, 20, um, so like almost 10 years ago, I got, uh, arrested or detained.

Well, arrested because you went to jail. Did it get put on your record? Yeah, arrested.

Yes.

Damn, you're like a rapper.

Yeah, for, for weed. Possession.

And, uh, how much were you carrying?

It was like an eighth.

An eighth, which is like how many little baggies? I used to love— I used to love buying weed in high school.

It was like—

oh my God, I think it was like $80.

$80?

Yeah. So it's like, were you there the first time?

Oh, oh, okay, so I led you down this road. Hell yeah.

Yeah, you did.

I would—

Alex smoked with me for the first time.

And then—

How old were you?

And then you got—

wait, let me let you—

sorry, let you finish your story about how you got arrested. Were you— where were you smoking where they found you?

We were smoking, we were hotboxing a car, 2 blunts, classic.

Incredible.

And then we drove—

2 blunts with 3 people?

Yeah.

My God.

We drove to McDonald's at like 1 AM and my friend cut off a cop and my friend in the back is like, yo, you just cut off a cop.

I started freaking out.

Because I had, I had a scale on me because I was like—

You had a scale?

Yeah, a scale. I had it in a mason jar because I was like trying to smoke for free. So I would like, I would like sell a certain amount just to get me enough to smoke the rest for free, if that makes sense.

Oh my god, that's like, that's like some crackhead shit.

And my friend—

You weren't even—

You were a drug dealer just to get high off your own product? You weren't even a drug dealer for profit?

I wasn't even making money.

That's, that's kind of the scariest kind of drug.

It was terrifying.

Okay.

My, uh, I just told him like, yeah, I just don't want to get shorted because like I didn't have a lot on me. Um, so I just like, I got to make sure I have the right amount, um, and I don't get shorted. My friends like back me up without communicating with each other. They just like, they told the cop that he's on that.

Yeah, they told the cop he's not a dealer, he's only doing this so he can have enough to keep smoking this illegal substance.

Yeah, or I don't, I don't know exactly what they told him, but yeah.

What do you mean back you up? You still went to jail.

Well, no, because that was just for possession, not for like with intent to distribute.

Oh, so, so you— they, they didn't book you for intent?

No, because they're like, this kid's just really poor. Yeah, that's really crazy.

And, and I— well, I kept everything on me too because I didn't want to bring anything in my house, so I always like had my shit on me.

So the cop was like, that's crazy. So the cop literally was like, I'm gonna give you less of a charge because I know you're just hiding this from your mom.

That's really— and then what time did I pick you up at?

So then, yeah, I obviously didn't want my— didn't want my parents to know, so I called you because I knew you were probably up like playing COD or something. And yeah, I was like, it'd be like 2 or 3 AM, um, and you came and picked me up.

Wow.

I'm on the line, police station.

Wow, that's amazing. Yeah, yeah, no idea I did that. That's really fun.

That was—

dude, there was nothing better than the whole process about weed. Because like, yeah, a crisp $20 bill would exchange you for a beautiful baggie. And every time you got a new bag of weed, the first thing you do is you open it and you smell it and you give it to your friend. You go, smell this. And every time it's like, whoa. Every time that was the reaction, even though it's like, yeah, they all smell like weed. And then best part is like making the plans and then you'd all get into one car, drive into a neighborhood that you don't really think that a lot of cops visit, and you'd park in the guest parking of a neighborhood and you'd just get really high. And every car that comes by is like— it's like you're in like—

it's like that is the cop.

Yeah, it's like you're in a Terminator movie and like there's just like drones flying around and like you have to avoid every single headlight because it's a police officer. And like when you get high, obviously you get you get way more paranoid. And that's why I always say, like, getting paranoid when you're high is my favorite thing, because, like, I know it's not real. I just enjoy it so much. The sweat of, like, fuck, fuck, because it's so temporary and you feel like this, like, fucking criminal, but you're really just trying to get to Taco Bell. Um, that's like the whole, the whole mission, though. That's really funny. Okay, sorry, so where were we going after that?

My friend smoked weed in high school, but We got drug tested, so they would have to— everyone that smoked would carry pee, and it was always the girls. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

No, you're on it, Tay. Wait, dude, get with it.

Yeah, what do you not understand?

So that they can test negative.

Oh, because I understand.

Yeah, everyone would carry—

or everyone who smoked weed would have to carry pee on them because They are.

I am confused, like at all times.

That's what I'm saying. Yeah, because we would just pee in your bag 100% of the time on you.

Like, and that's why, like, the girls with like bigger tits would like hold it like the perfect spot is like in your tits. But like clearly I couldn't do that.

Damn.

I also didn't—

I only like tried it because you had smaller boobs.

I also just had a really bad experience my first time, similar to your story. It was hotboxing car, and then I was like paranoid. Um, but no, my girlfriends with the bigger tits, they got away with it because they would— you have to have it on you. Like, it couldn't be in a bag, right?

Because you can't go to the bathroom with a bag.

They would get you. Like, our school is like smart and like sticklers. Like, they would get you when you were changing. Like, I had performance dance, and you would have to change into your dance clothes, and they would give you the slip. Like, and you have to go immediately. Like, as soon as you get the slip, you have to go with whatever's on you.

Yeah, that's wild. So people would just have like little mason jars of their own piss?

Like little, like tiny— yeah, they would just keep little tiny vials.

That's fucking—

what did they test you for? Like with no—

they would test us for like— well, they said that they would like test us for all drugs, and they specifically would point out or like call out the party people, which was definitely my friend group.

But how is that even like legal? You can do that in a school? You can randomly—

yeah, you know, did I never tell you the story? I think I've I might have told it on the podcast before, but a teacher reported me, and this was when I was brand new to the school.

Oh, I remember this.

Yeah, and reported me, uh, for smelling like alcohol. And I was so innocent, like never touched alcohol in my life, and I was scared shitless. I literally— I will never forget. And they were like, they were like really mean to me. And I went to the dean's office and I sat there shaking, and I had to blow like blow into the little thing, and it was 0.00. And they were like, then after that they were so nice to me. But when I did meet my new friends and became like a part of the party people, they would always, at every single school, every single school dance, I was always like one of the ones who would get like had to be breathalyzed.

Oh wow, at all the school dances.

You're a little troublemaker. Well, they had you, they had you on the most wanted list. I was, I was talking to Taylor Fritz, who's the number one tennis player in the US, and he's training for the Olympics. And he was telling me the Olympics, they're not for like a couple of years, right? Just to be clear, that the summer of the next year after. Well, regardless, they're not for like a year or two.

Yeah.

But he was telling me that now, like when you're entering the Olympics as he is, they can come and drug test you whenever they want, wherever you are in the world, and you have to report where you are. Every day or two to the people. So he just took a— he just took a— he just took a, like, a vacation to Tokyo, Japan, and obviously has to check in. Like, he has a probation officer, like, literally probation officer but for the Olympics. And then they just showed up at his hotel and randomly drug tested him. Like, that's how— that's how—

wait, for steroids or for, like, weed?

Steroids. Oh, and drugs.

Yeah, really?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And that's like the Olympics.

Isn't that fucking That's crazy.

So you can't just like all willy-nilly just decide like, oh, I want to go to fucking Europe.

You can, but you just, you have to tell them and then they'll find you in Europe. They have people in every country and they'll like show up to your hotel if it's like, if you randomly called for it. But yeah, he just got someone to come to Japan. But okay, the story I was trying to think of earlier was I was there for the first time you got high.

Oh.

Which was like How did that get us— why did I smoke weed before you? That's like—

'Cause you were cool, dude.

I'm telling you. 'Cause you were sick.

I don't know. It all just depends on the people you get around.

Who did I smoke weed with for the first time? Probably Mia, right? Yeah, it was Mia. Yeah. So it was Mia. And then shout out Mia for getting me introduced to the marijuana. And then I went back and like, I had very much had the exact same personality as a kid as I do have now, where like, if I try something, the first thing I want to do is like, my friends have to try it. Like, there's no fucking way around it. Like, yeah. So I probably went to you and I was like, you got to try it. It's incredible. And then what happened?

So we went to this guy's house, into this guy's basement, like classic stoner basement.

No, no, no. Like, I don't think people ever understand how classic stoner basement this was. Like, this was— I think he, like, lived with his grandma who, like, was blind. It was like, I mean, it was like, oh, so, like, you know, in Deadpool where that woman's blind? Yeah. And, like, Deadpool lives with that woman and she doesn't really know what's going on, but she does. That's exactly what was going on with this guy. And he was in the basement basically probably selling drugs to the whole community. And, like, that was probably the best place to experience it for the first time because he had, like, all his little bongs on the table, all the different kinds of weed. And walk me through how that was, the first experience. Were you nervous?

Yeah, I was freaking out because, like, I, for some reason, I was— my sister had just had a baby and I was like terrified that I'm like a bad uncle. I'm like a criminal uncle.

Oh, I remember that.

Yeah, I remember that.

I remember sitting there. There's no better feeling than being there with your, like, best friend who's about to get high for the first time and you've already experienced it? Because I remember—

I don't know if I ever got that, like, on the other side of it.

Like, you got to, like, pay it forward?

Yeah.

Maybe with John. Maybe we went to, like, Dew's Pizzeria once in Chicago, and Illy and I gave him, what, $100? Yeah, $100, which was crazy at the time. Like, John was, like, so against weed. And we're like, John, we'll give you $100 if you get high.

That's hilarious.

And John getting high is like, if you know John, it's already like a crazy level of of like whatever he's on. So it's set up to the next. Okay, sorry. So you're doing, you're about to smoke weed.

Yeah. And it was a bong, which was like the most complex concept to me in the world.

And everyone always says you don't get high for the first time, but I don't think that's true. I think that's just like a thing that people say.

It's definitely not true.

Yeah. I don't know if they want to, if they're like gatekeeping the industry, like, yeah, you got to do more if you want to be like, I think they're also, I think that's like a saying that you say just to, like, ease people into it.

No one gets high the first time, but you can.

Yeah, I was—

it's like obviously not a thing. No one gets high.

I feel like it's like the opposite because you don't know how much— like, I remember the first time I was given a blunt, I just kept going because I was like, I— you think of it like a— you see people smoke cigarettes.

Oh, I have a—

I have— I'm a strong believer in, in, like, I've— I say this today, I don't think it matters how much you smoke. I think one hit can do you the same as 20 hits. Like, I'll smoke a full joint.

So not true, dude.

That's not true.

Maybe for you.

I don't know.

I don't know. I just think like one hit can really knock you on your ass if it goes down the right pipe or hits the right part of your blood, or 20 can do absolutely nothing and you're smoking like Snoop Dogg and it feels the same as, as hitting once. But I remember you got high and then I told you, I told you.

Yeah, he David told me to just scroll on Twitter the second, the second after you hit it, just scroll on Twitter. And then there's going to be a moment where you're like, oh my God, I'm so high. Like, what did I just read?

Did it happen? Yeah.

And then like after 3 minutes, I like come to realization. I'm like, oh my God, he was right. Like, it's exactly how you described it.

That's really funny. And one of our favorite things to do— well, we only did it like 3 or 4 times, I think— but was to go to Dunkin' Donuts after we were high. Did you go with me to this?

Yeah.

And Dunkin' Donuts, if you came at the right time, they threw out all their donuts in a bag around the dumpster. And like, no, but they threw it out really cleanly. Like, the dumpster was gross, but they'd like double bag this. Like, they double bag all the donuts. I'm talking like hundreds of donuts. And they were still good because it was from that day. So we'd go there and we'd go into the dumpster and we'd pull out the bag of donuts. And, you know, obviously when you're high, you eat them. But some of our friends, a.k.a. Eric— don't want to dox him here— but Eric would go around. And another popular thing, you know what you would do with the donuts, right?

Yeah.

What?

Like you throw them at cars?

No, you throw them at mailboxes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So you drive—

it's such a weird thing.

But because it makes such a funny noise.

Yeah.

Especially especially if it's jelly-filled. It had like some good thickness to it. And the way like the custard would like plop like on a mailbox was so funny. But it was vandalism. So you were like, it's better than— there were people, there's this guy named Josh.

Yeah. Oh my God. I was just going to bring that up. Who was like the next level of mailbox hitting.

Mailbox hitting. He'd take bats to mailboxes.

They would, yeah, they would drive around like on a pickup truck and just, and they would lean out to the side and just drive by mailboxes and whack.

Which is really funny because a mailbox The sometimes the mail would explode. I've never seen it, but I think I saw it in a movie, Benchwarmers. I think that's where they got it from.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I think that's where it originated from. And then, you know, you get the right mailbox and it blow up with all the mail. But it's a federal crime to tamper with the mailbox.

So it's like you really shouldn't do it.

But yes, a big thing was—

oh, you're right.

Yeah, you're right. Throwing it at cars because I remember like cars would pass by and you'd like try to hit a car, which is also like so fucking insane. So illegal.

It's so insane. But yeah, that was the best part of getting high as a kid.

And then obviously going to Taco Bell was like the next level. I can't recommend it anymore. But I think, guys, that's all the time we have for today's pod.

I have to wrap it up.

I hope Christmas was incredible for everybody.

What'd you get, David?

I got socks again. That was the first thing I opened was socks.

That's good.

What did you get?

Um, I got money.

Your grandma sent you money?

My grandma sent me— actually, she sent me an ornament with me and Theodore, and, uh, that's really sweet. Yeah, and a little coffee cup with me and Theodore, and it says Cat Mom. So yeah, she sends the best stuff.

Uh, I hope Theodore lives forever today for the sake of You really love that cat.

Remember when we went to go get the cat and you were like, we're making the right decision?

Yeah, and I did.

Wow, you really did. You really crushed it.

Oh my gosh. Yeah.

Well, thank you for joining me, everybody.

Alex and Tay, um, Merry Christmas from the Views podcast fam to all you guys, and we will see you guys for the next one. I think my next pod will be from Australia for New Year's.

Actually, I don't know.

You're from—

no, no, it'll be from here. No, no.

Yeah. Oh yeah, the next pod will be with Jason, um, because Jason comes back right before my flight to Sydney. So I'll see you guys on Tuesday.

Bye. Bye.